Dick Slashballs Adventure Hour 3: Eyewitness Blues

by | Jun 17, 2021 | Fiction | 166 comments

As he walked up the street toward the hotel, Dick Slashballs saw the flashing lights of police cars and an ambulance (still there?) ahead, and glanced up at the building that was his perch less than an hour ago. Far as he could tell, there was nothing of interest in that direction, thankfully. But the ambulance had him puzzled.

Nearing the hotel, he played the gawking game, rubbernecking around like a curious tourist. The limousine was still parked out front. Amazingly, he saw what looked like the chauffeur being tended to, sitting on a stretcher at the back of the ambulance. Fucker’s lucky to be alive, Dick thought to himself as he gawked his way as close as he could. The man appeared fine, if a bit shaken and chilled.

“Sir! Over here! Are you checking in?” A guy who looked like a hotel maintenance employee was trying to get his attention.

“Yeah, I am. What, uh, what happened here?”

“Craziest thing, Sir! Earlier, our temp doorman shot that limo driver with some sort of paintball gun and ran away with one of our guests! Threw her right in a van and drove away!”

“Is it safe?” Dick looked around as if worried that kidnappers might jump out and take him, as the employee led him through the maze of police tape into the lobby.

“Oh, yes, Sir! It’s safe! Just crazy, man!  Those temp agency guys are pretty fucked up sometimes.”

The manager at the front desk frowned, giving the employee a bit of a stink-eye as he scuttled away outside to watch the goings-on some more. “Mr. …?” he said, turning to Slashballs.

“Should be a reservation under Orbis, Wallace.”

“Ah, yes, I have you here, Mr. Orbis.  I apologize for the mess; we had a bit of excitement earlier, but it’s all calmed down now.”

“Yes, your doorman seemed pretty worked up.”

A raised eyebrow. “Indeed. Well, our regular doorman’s had a bit of…trouble, but we do with the staff we have.”

“Trouble?” Dick looked back toward the scene outside.

“Spot of flu, I think. Here’s your room key, Mr. Orbis—seventh floor. The elevators are down the hall to the left. Will you be needing help with your luggage?”

“No, thanks, I had a bit of a mix-up and my luggage is still somewhere in Canada, probably. Good thing I keep the essentials here.” Dick patted the shoulder strap of the backpack.

“Very well, Sir. If you’ll excuse me, I have some things to attend to. If we can do anything to make your stay more pleasant, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Any place to get a drink here before I turn in?”

“Bar’s over there” — He waved toward the side of the lobby, where Dick saw a darkened set of glass doors — ”and we have a fine restaurant on the twentieth level, but it closed at ten.”

“Thanks.” This guy’s tighter with information than yoga pants on an opera singer.

Dick watched the manager walk back toward the office, and strolled back to the entrance. He paused to check his hair in a mirror, slipping a small earpiece in place, then continued. Suddenly, the amplified sounds around him popped into crystal clarity. He couldn’t make out everything from outside, but there was some excited chatter in the bar.

Dick stepped outside and lit a cigarette. He had quit many years ago, but occasionally in this line of work, the old habit had some utility. One of the paramedics was talking to a detective-looking guy, and gestured toward the shaken chauffeur, still sitting on the gurney.

The detective nodded, walking toward the chauffeur. “Mr. Morrison, sir? Are you feeling OK? I’d like to ask you some questions.”

The driver looked up. “Still pretty sore, but I’d like to get home. The EMTs say I’ll be good to go soon, but they want to observe me for a few more minutes, so ask away. I have to wait for my dispatch to send another driver, anyway.”

“Tell me about what happened, if you would. Anything you remember.”

“Well, I pulled up to pick up my passenger, walked around the car to let her in, and heard this screech of tires and an engine, and then all hell broke loose. While I’m opening the door, I see the doorman jump out and tackle the lady. Then he gets up and shoots me with that paintball gun he had, but it sounded like a real gun, and man, it hurts! What was that, anyway?”

Dick let his gaze settle on the chauffeur. The man was wrapped up in a blanket, clearly in a bit of pain, and rattled, but otherwise healthy.

“From what I saw, sir, it looks like a type of practice ammunition. Sometimes we use it for training. Leaves a paint mark so the trainers know you’ve been hit. Without protection and too close, it hurts like hell. I guess you know that.”

“Well, I sure know I got hit. Training or not, that shit is painful. Enough to knock me out of the picture.”

Simunition, thought Dick. Non-lethal, so the kidnappers weren’t interested in killing any bystanders, only keeping them out of a potential fight. That meant the real doorman was probably alive, but possibly hurt, somewhere. Find that guy, and I might get a description of the fake doorman.

“Mr. Morrison, did you get a good look at the doorman, or anyone in the van?”

“Not really. Just looked like a doorman, with the uniform and all. He was pretty tall, but I don’t remember much more about him. I did see the van come around the corner, but then everything started happening really fast. It was white, and had some sort of red spray paint on it. Real cruddy looking. I’m sorry, but I just don’t remember much.”

“Did you hear or see anything odd at all, other than the kidnapping?”

“Not that I can think of.”

“Did you know the passenger’s name, and where were you supposed to drive her?”

“They don’t tell me the passenger’s names, usually.  I’m sorry, but I’m not supposed to talk about destinations.  Our agency serves some very private clients.  But I can give you our dispatch number and they might be able to help your investigation. ”

“Mr. Morrison, this is obviously a criminal investigation, and I really need your cooperation.”

“I know, Detective, and I’m sure we’ll cooperate, but it’s not up to me.  Please call the dispatch number and I’m sure they’ll be able to tell you what you need.  I’m sorry, but I could get in trouble at work if I give out private information without authorization.”

“I understand.  Well, sir, thank you for speaking with me. This is my card. Please call me if you can remember anything more after you get home. Call any time, someone will answer and get the message to me. I hope you feel better soon.”

“Okay, uh, Detective, uh, Morgan,” the man said, looking at the card.

Dead end here, thought Slashballs. He hadn’t expected the chauffeur to remember much, at least if he wasn’t involved in the plot, in which case he wouldn’t say much anyway, but the way the guy talked, he was just a legitimate bystander, wrong place, wrong time, wrong passenger.  Slashballs snuffed out his smoke, dropping the butt into the receptacle by the door, and headed for the bar. At least the driver hadn’t heard the bullet hit. Probably no one knows there was a third party involved.

Dick pushed the smoked glass door to the bar open and winced, reaching for his earpiece.  Fuck!  It was far too loud in here for that, now.  Multiple conversations hammered his eardrums as he swiped the volume control down to a reasonable level.  He glanced around quickly.  Beautiful wooden bar, mirror backed, bottles lit from below.  A small knot of people were gathered near the center of the bar, chattering about the evening’s excitement.  The bartender was finishing a pour for one of them.  Her take’s going to be pretty good tonight–this has got the customers worked up pretty good.  Should give me something too.  There were several other groups around, and everyone looked and sounded as if they had already had a few.  Dick walked around the bar, looking out through the windows at the scene outside.  Sure enough, the group at the center of the bar was standing at the best vantage point to see the scene of the crime.  Slashballs put on his best Wally Orbis grin and caught the bartender’s eye.

“The Macallan Eighteen, please, neat.”  Might as well play the part of the successful salesman on an expense account.

The bartender nodded, turning to get the bottle.  Slashballs glanced down as she walked away.  The bar wasn’t the only visual appeal in here, he noted.

 

Dick Slashballs Adventure Hour 1: Pronoun Dare Call It Murder

Dick Slashballs Adventure Hour 2: The World’s Greatest, Miffed.

About The Author

db

db

I first became aware of all this during the physical act of love.

166 Comments

  1. westernsloper

    I wish I was a temp agency guy. I need to look into that.

    • rhywun

      I got my current job through a temp agency. In 1997.

      • westernsloper

        Ya, me too. The agency recently called me to ask if I was looking for work. Seems the people who run those are temps too.(high turnover) A temp bouncing around to new stuff every day kind of sounds like a good gig at the moment if I could make what I do now.

      • rhywun

        Yah, in my field we call them “consultants” now. Sounds hi-falutin’, right? I’ve been considering it because sure, I get sick of the same place even if it’s barely recognizable from where I started.

        But yeah, having a nice secure job is just too worth it for me.

        Also, this agency only had to send me to one company and I stayed there. I didn’t even get to bounce around.

      • LCDR_Fish

        Temped for UNC-CH HR back after college. They offered me a full time position right before I left for basic training.

        Just wasn’t what I was looking for though. Seen too many folks while I was at UNC who graduated, got a job there and just stayed….for 20+ yrs. Chapel Hill wasn’t that bad (at the time), but I was really scared of waking up 15 yrs later and being in the exact same place.

      • rhywun

        Welcome to my nightmare.

        Nah, it isn’t so bad. From 69 employees to 7,500+, changing ownership, private then publicly-traded then private, several offices in two different states… it’s like I’ve worked for a half-dozen different companies.

  2. westernsloper

    I have to make a salad and get to bed, so forgive me db but I would like to pose an automotive problem to the glib gear head hive mind. I finally got the POS Nissan back in shape with a new alternator and it ran no prob this morning. Batt light off and it loved the drive to work this morning at 5 AM when it was 60 some degrees. When I was going to grab something for lunch I got delayed so I just let it idle with the AC on. Upon reentering the pos to finally go get something to eat, it had slipped into limp mode. It was just under 100F today, the car is black and it was cooking inside. This happened to me once before in a drive through that took awhile but I just shut it off and it fixed itself. When I recently changed out the bad alternator I did remove the radiator and just eyeballed the mix of water/coolant back into it so probably a bit heavy on the coolant. Other than that nothing has changed from the last time it did this and fixed itself. WTF is going on?

    As soon as I have it cleaned out and can drive it to a car lot this pos is getting traded in.

    • blackjack

      You gotta pull the codes. NEI.

      • westernsloper

        No check engine light and I lent my scanner to my Dad awhile back so didn’t have it with me to even check if one came up. I will check them tomorrow but I guarantee when I get to work where it sits it will run fine after sitting in the coolness all night.

      • blackjack

        If it went into limp home mode, it logged a code. That’s the only real clue as to what you need to check out. Autozone will scan it for free most of the time.

      • blackjack

        Also, it’s possible that you have some air in the system. It could overheat and then be fine again if the bubble is moving around. Check online and see if there’s a specific procedure for burping it when refilling the radiator.

      • westernsloper

        I burped this thing. I went through that with a pos ford ranger. Big funnel of rad fluid until no bubbles and then burped.

        I did read somewhere that if the coolant mixture was off it would make the CVT think it was too hot. Every heard of that?

      • blackjack

        By CVT, do you mean it has a constant velocity transmission? I thought that was a Honda thing? Anyway, there’s a forum somewhere of people who own these things. Find it and search for your symptoms. Those people have already done all the experimenting. They will know. Just have your code handy, it’s going to matter.

      • DrOtto

        Jatco is a wholly owned subsidiary of Nissan. They make every CVT on the automotive market I’m aware of.

      • blackjack

        You might be on to something

      • blackjack

        It looks like a bunch of overthought bullshit to me. I’d just drain the whole motherfucker and replace the coolant with premix. No idea how the ECU knows the exact ratio, but it seems to.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Maybe not the exact coolant ratio, but calculating cooling or lack of cooling from a temperature probe(s)? Strong coolant/high air temp wouldn’t be as effective in removing heat.

      • blackjack

        CVTs are super sensitive. The wrong juice kills them. Apparently, just a few degrees of temp is enough to throw them off too.

        I don’t know much about this shit. I was a Harley mechanic for most of my career. Only been messing with modern cars for a few years now. Used to be a whiz kid with carbs. Quadrajet specialist. Back in the eighties when it was helpful.

      • DrOtto

        I concur with Blackjack on this, especially since he dug up the TSB. Drain and fill your coolant. I’d use the Zerex Asian 50/50 formula (green, blue, or red) that conforms to what the original coolant was.

      • DrOtto

        And it’s cheap and easy to do a CVT fluid change. Wouldn’t hurt to do that while you’re at it. Just be sure to use CVT fluid.

      • westernsloper

        Thanks fellas, I shall be giving that a try if I get a chance today.

  3. DEG

    Those temp agency guys are pretty fucked up sometimes.”

    Temp agency huh?

    Slashballs glanced down as she walked away. The bar wasn’t the only visual appeal in here, he noted.

    A little early in the story for him to be getting laid?

    • Ask your doctor if BEAM is right for you

      Laid?

      I’m hoping Slashie’s too much of a professional to be distracted by such temptations of the flesh. Off the clock, mebbe.

  4. blackjack

    I so fucking pissed. This is OT, btw. I just got jacked around at work for “fraud, waste and abuse.”

    I had to replace a reservoir and often, the hose splits when it’s removed. I ordered a reservoir and the hose, just in case. Turned out the hose was fine and it would have taken me about an hour and half of labor and about 30 bucks worth of coolant to replace it. Also, the vehicle would have had to stay out of service for one more day, as it was the end of the day. So I opted to not install it. Our parts room has a policy of not allowing us to return parts. Someone apparently swept all of my parts wrappings into the trash and the hose went in with it. That’s where my retarded supervisor found it and started his investigation into my wasteful ways.

    He expressed his deep and abiding concern for the whole thing, while ignoring my rationale. The witness supervisor was nodding in agreement as I explained my thinking. Anyway, I had to sign a notice and was informed that I am on triple secret probation for the next 6 weeks. I was ordered to install all parts I request, regardless of the need and/or cost. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Every decision I made was based on avoiding unnecessary expense and downtime. I am in trouble for waste, because I took steps to avoid waste.

    I really hope that management is spying on me and reads this. I have a huge history of being harassed by this same retard when I first got there. I got him in a bunch of trouble, but I should have sued the fuck out of them. It’s looking like I might the chance to after all.

    • rhywun

      Ouch, sorry.

      You work for a government outfit, right? Double sorry.

      • blackjack

        Yeah, I mulling over options. There’s few things I can do that would make him regret this. Just not sure how much fire I need to fight this fire with. Which reminds me of this.

      • rhywun

        That is what I expected. ?

      • blackjack

        Gotta have a soundtrack if you’re gonna play the game.

      • Aloysious

        Was expecting something a little different.

      • db

        Crystal Method FTW

      • rhywun

        Fun fact: they did the background music for the last episode of Columbo.

      • Chafed

        Me too

      • LJW

        Since when is the government concerned about fraud and waste?

      • blackjack

        If they were, none of this would have happened.

      • commodious spittoon

        Seven Periods with Mr. Gormsby is the most anti-PC media produced in the last twenty years. It wasn’t meant to be, it’s just a product of its time. But it’s valiantly anti-PC, not just accidentally. And it’s really very funny and subversive (*cough*). And it’s available on youtube. New Zealand comedy featuring an unapologetic colonialist Brit lording over the natives, the gays, the lezzies, the abortionists, an effeminate bureaucrat, and most especially, Steve.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Sorry bud, no good deed goes unpunished, especially when the supervisor’s a prick.

    • Spudalicious

      I feel your pain. I once got ripped a new asshole as an Acting Captain by the Chief of the department, in front of the three Assistant Chiefs and my Battalion Chief that he drug with him, because my Engineer that day took it upon himself to detail a reserve piece of apparatus, which meant there was equipment everywhere, so he could clean the compartments.

      I got completely shredded because my Engineer was doing a good deed he wasn’t obligated to do. I was quite pleased when this Chief lost his cheese and had to be talked out of his office by his wife his last day on the job.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Waste, fraud, or abuse is the typical grounds for IG complaints.

      Can your toothless union grieve the notice?

      • blackjack

        I learned that lesson last time. The union is on management’s side. I had to do it myself.

    • DrOtto

      You did exactly what I do in these situations. I order what I need, plus what I possibly/probably will need. Of course, I can return what I don’t need, no triple secret probation neccessary.

      • blackjack

        Unmentioned is that our parts department takes up to two weeks to fill an order, even for small and simple stuff. AND, we are a fleet. Our goal is supposed to be to keep the vehicles operating as much as possible. Not to sell labor and parts.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Welcome to my world

  5. Aloysious

    Nice, db.

    In my head, I haven’t decided if Mr. Slashballs is a Casanova/Rico Suave type, or is a little monastic wrt the ladies.

    Looking forward to seeing what you come up with.

  6. Spudalicious

    Did the cruddy red writing on the side of the white van say, “Free Candy”?

    I’m enjoying this.

    • blackjack

      It’s a great story so far, and I’m an ass for going off topic before mentioning that. Thanks, db (if that’s your real name!) and keep them coming!

      • Spudalicious

        No worries. See my response.

  7. LCDR_Fish

    Oh yeah, did anyone else get a text today from some survey place asking if they intend to sign up for trumps new social media platform?

    On second thought it appears to be just a random survey not associated with an actual new platform….

  8. Winston

    https://fee.org/articles/new-harvard-data-accidentally-reveal-how-lockdowns-crushed-the-working-class-while-leaving-elites-unscathed/

    We just got yet another example. A new data analysis from Harvard University, Brown University, and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation calculates how different employment levels have been impacted during the pandemic to date. The findings reveal that government lockdown orders devastated workers at the bottom of the financial food chain but left the upper-tier actually better off.

    ….

    Of course, Ivy League researchers almost certainly did not intend to expose the failings of big government pandemic policies when they set out to catalog employment data. But, as Adams said, facts are stubborn things.

    “Failing”…sure

  9. Tundra

    I love this story.

    Thanks, db!

    “The Macallan Eighteen, please, neat.” Might as well play the part of the successful salesman on an expense account.

    Can confirm.

    • Spudalicious

      No other reason to drink MaCallan 18.

      • blackjack

        Not when Glenfiddich 18 is a third the price and a little bit better.

      • Spudalicious

        Your jib is cut in a acceptable manner.

  10. Winston

    So just like that the US follows Canada in creating a National Day of Self-Flagellation.

    It’s brilliant actually. Either you oppose it and be a slavery apologist or you embrace workery and then try to go “no the Bill of Rights being written by a slaveowner is okay”

    • blackjack

      Whatever. I just hope our asshole mayor makes it a city holiday too. I could use another paid day off. He better hurry, he’s being tasked with lying to India from now on.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Finally, Juneteenth will be a week long holiday from the 13th through the 19th.

      Is Kwanza still being pushed or has fallen by the wayside?

  11. Winston

    https://quillette.com/2020/08/16/the-challenge-of-marxism/

    Thus the endless dance of liberalism and Marxism, which goes like this:

    1. Liberals declare that henceforth all will be free and equal, emphasizing that reason (not tradition) will determine the content of each individual’s rights.

    2. Marxists, exercising reason, point to many genuine instances of unfreedom and inequality in society, decrying them as oppression and demanding new rights.

    3. Liberals, embarrassed by the presence of unfreedom and inequality after having declared that all would be free and equal, adopt some of the Marxists’ demands for new rights.

    4. Return to #1 above and repeat.

    Very relevant. I mean isn’t anti-racism, lockdowns and environmentalism working exactly as he is describing here?

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      Step 2 is patently false. The Marxists scattershot and occasionally play the blind squirrel finding the nut. By the way, the nut is an emotional nut, not a rational nut. Perchance they find an emotional nut that also happens to be a rational nut, they’re guaranteed to attach 1000 other pet causes to it and use their voodoo bullshit they claim to be a philosophy to completely bury the legitimate grievance in a dump truck load of commie bullshit.

      • blackjack

        What did that defector dude say in the early eighties?

        Get everyone to hate each other, that’s what he said. He was trying to warn us.

      • blackjack

        This guy, here.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Marxists* back.

        However, it’s clear how much they have pushed us to the brink again.

        It’s pretty glaring from that video how direct the modern standard line of thinking is pure unadulterated soviet Marxism.

      • blackjack

        Inorite? He even uses the term “social justice.”

      • rhywun

        Ask anyone who has escaped a commie shithole.

      • db

        Yes, that term stood out for me as well.

      • Gustave Lytton

        As much as Reagan was hated, there were still anti-communists in the Democrat party and many institutions had not been completely undermined. Still had many pro-American media, particularly newspapers, and business leaders for instance.

      • Winston

        However, it’s clear how much they have pushed us to the brink again.

        So when will it be time for action and who will do it?

  12. commodious spittoon

    Seven Periods with Mr. Gormsby is the most anti-PC media produced in the last twenty years. It wasn’t meant to be, it’s just a product of its time. But it’s valiantly anti-PC, not just accidentally. And it’s really very funny and subversive (*cough*). And it’s available on youtube. New Zealand comedy featuring an unapologetic colonialist Brit lording over the natives, the gays, the lezzies, the abortionists, an effeminate bureaucrat, and most especially, Steve.

    • commodious spittoon

      Mr. Gormsby died back in May, apparently. Surrounded by God’s people, and some Maori.

      • commodious spittoon

        Coming out of New Zealand, no less.

        It’s not cruelly racist or misogynistic or homophobic, it’s just casually those things.

      • commodious spittoon

        We all rode the Letterkenny dick for awhile, and I won’t lie, that was great, but it was ultimately tame, uncontroversial. Mr. Gormsby is solid weird dark comedy. Not quite black, not quite surreal.

      • LCDR_Fish

        apparently all available on youtube too currently – will check out shortly.

    • l0b0t

      Seven Periods… is one of my favorite shows. In a slightly similar vein is the UK show Bad Education. https://youtu.be/zNjz3l1eqHE

    • l0b0t

      If you have not experienced the pure joy that is a Pauly Fenech production, please check out Fat Pizza, Swift & Shift Couriers, and Housos.

      https://youtu.be/pdgTpBvp9n4

    • l0b0t

      And now I’ve started watching Seven Periods again; what a fantastic show.

      “The retarded boy has got to learn. And the first thing he’s got to learn is that he’s retarded.”

      “Never laugh at Greek men kissing”

      “Never buy retail from a Jew”

      “Never share a narrow bed with an Arab”

  13. mikey

    Thx db, thiese are fun.

  14. Winston

    Are English Canadians the most retarded population in history?

    • Ownbestenemy

      No..Canadian English are

      • Chafed

        No love for French Canadians?

    • Trigger Hippie

      ‘Hunter has reportedly been working on his art full time, and his pieces, Bergès told Artnet, will “range from $75,000 for works on paper to $500,000 for large-scale paintings.”’

      JFC!

      Why don’t we just do away with lobbying and legalize political bribery and be done with it…

      JFC!

      • l0b0t

        If I ever vote again it will only be for the Tumbrel Cart & Gibbet Party.

  15. hayeksplosives

    Someday the Glibertarian Anthology of Short Stories and Poetry will be published in honest-to-goodness bound leather volumes.

    That might be my post-retirement hobby/obsession.

  16. hayeksplosives

    For all of our Far East expats and cultural enthusiasts, I recommend Amazon Prime “I Need You to Kill.”

    It’s a documentary about a few American stand-up comics who got started in a Minneapolis comedy club owned by a Chinese immigrant. The Chinese dude wants to drag a few Americans to comedy clubs in Hong Kong, Singapore, and Macao.

    Very interesting stuff, especially if you are aware of how neurotic and insecure comedians are, and are also aware of the limits of free speech and what’s taboo where.

  17. Yusef drives a Kia

    Howdy Glibites, another weekend about to start with a bit of rain, grab some Covfefe and Carpe this MotherF-er!

    • westernsloper

      I heard the second hand exposure thing first warned about on the Free Man Beyond the Wall podcast a month or so ago. I don’t know if it is true, but some people who seem to be knowledgable on these matters sure think it is, and it will become a big problem.

    • rhywun

      Sounds like a field day for ambulance cha– sorry, “injury lawyers”.

      Nothing would surprise me at this point.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      “I had one woman come up to me and she said that she had actually just touched the arm of someone –of course we don’t know 100 percent sure if she got the spike proteins from this individual – but she kind of rubbed the arm and patted the individual and subsequently she begins bleeding. She had not had periods for 25 years, but now she’s bleeding.”

      Get the vax or don’t but this is bullshit. If the effect was that profound there’d be no ambiguity as to whether or not it exists.

  18. LCDR_Fish

    Yay? Woke up to find an 11 PM text from my manager saying that the company had updated tomorrow/today to a holiday. Eady for leviathan to turn on a dime when it comes to time codes, not necessarily the rest of us.

    Guess I’ll try and get another hour of sleep and then figure out what I’ll do with the rest of the day that I had “plans” for….

    • l0b0t

      After last Saturday’s debacle, no truck arrived yet we were fully staffed on OT night sitting around doing nothing for 8 hours, they texted us at about 10 minutes before shift starts saying no truck, don’t come in. I got almost 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep and it was lovely.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        7 hours? hook a brother up, I want what your taking…
        Howdy,

      • l0b0t

        It was so nice. I don’t think I’ve had more than 4 hours at a time since 2019.

    • LCDR_Fish

      Yeah….I’m not getting any more sleep this time.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, LCDR! That’s certainly good news to wake up to, though a wee bit earlier – say, before you went to bed – would have been nice. I’m definitely working today. The only way my CU would make it a holiday would be if the Fed closed. On Federal Reserve holidays, apparently we can’t process transactions in the usual way, so we might as well be closed. It’s almost certainly the only reason we get Columbus Day off.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I made double time on Presidents Day, and I didnt even know it, weird company

  19. UnCivilServant

    Morning, Glibs.

    Starting work already to do an early morning migration everyone’s been bitching about from the moment I informed them of it.

    Maybe I’ll even wake up by the time it’s done.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      My asshole boss is out of town for a few days so I’m somnambulating today, my back hurts,

      • UnCivilServant

        fun.

        /sarc

        I’m getting my ducks in a row so I don’t embarass myself when the other people show up to work. My tiredness is showing. I need caffiene

    • Gender Traitor

      early morning migration

      I’m suddenly imagining a nature documentary complete with super-serious narration describing the migration habits of software in the wild.

      Good morning, U! Don’t wake up any more than you have to, though a few sips of Mountain Dew might hit the spot right now. I’d plan to have one at work later, but I’m pretty sure we only have the sugary kind.

      • UnCivilServant

        I almost forgot to get on the meeting where everyone was waiting…

        But I was within two minutes of start time in joining, and I’d already been working, so that wasn’t an issue

      • Gender Traitor

        Were you in charge of running the meeting? If so, how long do they have to wait around for you at your pay grade? (Thinks back to how long you were supposed to wait for grad asses, associate profs, etc. when they were late to class.)

      • UnCivilServant

        Given that these are outside vendors and my own supervisor…

  20. Festus

    Nice little tail-end to the chapter, db!

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      How the are ya Festus?

  21. Tres Cool

    suh’ fam ?

    whats goody

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Its Friday, Saul Goodman, Tall Cans?

      • Tres Cool

        My Saturday was Wednesday night. Its only Friday to you “normies”.

      • Tres Cool

        Im trying to decide if I should preemptively cut the grass today and get it over with.
        Nah. Ill have another beer.

  22. Yusef drives a Kia

    Hell

  23. Festus

    Whelp. Family Doctor request went as expected. Judi tried to set up an appointment and they texted back that we need to send a fax or slip a list of symptoms under the office door before they will see me. This is Socialist medicine, writ large. I realize that I’m not the ideal patient being the aging, smoking and drinking fellow that I am. I’m going to be a pain in their collective ass. I get that. Where’s the humanity? I guess I’ll have to wait until a really acute episode occurs and make my way down to the E.R. Fucking Dr. never contacted me once when I was in the hospital twice in 2019 and 2020. Dude, you are my Physician. Probably still pissed at me because I blew off his attempt at anal probing…

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Yikes! I need to see doctor asap, I hope its not like Canadiastan, good luck Festus, from a fellow self destructive old guy,

    • Festus

      His receptionist is one of those 60 year old bottle-blonde Karens that worships the ground that he deems worthy to tread upon. I hate this fucking world so much right now.

    • Gender Traitor

      Pester them mercilessly! Be a PITA to get an appointment, and have Judi be the most persistent pit bull of a Patient Advocate they’ve ever seen!

      • Festus

        The more I piss them off, the worse care I will ultimately receive. Fuck it. I’ll either muddle through or it becomes so bad that I’ll need emergency treatment from falling down the stairs. I don’t have that level of fire left in me anymore.

    • l0b0t

      That’s horrible. You actually have to request a visit to a GP for an initial exam?

      “Go out would you.”

      • Festus

        Yep.

    • Sean

      I’m woefully ignorant on socialized medicine countries, but don’t you have access to capitalist minute clinics/urgent care things?

    • Festus

      Who the fuck owns a fax machine? They just blew us off. Health “care” workers. Heroes.

  24. l0b0t

    Good morning all. 65° and 75% humidity here at the beach, with an expected high of 79°. I’ll take it. I’m enjoying a coffee on the porch but also, combusting some dried flowers of the C. indica plant, as NY has now seen fit to allow. I still hate NYC though.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      A perfect start, wake and bake with Covfefe, do enjoy!

    • Festus

      That almost sounds ideal. Any waves and surfer girls?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Wrong coast

      • Festus

        Rockaway has surf.

      • l0b0t

        Not many surfers yet. Usually, the worse the weather, the more we get for the wave action. It’s fun to see how many of them have their prep and finish down to a science. From hopping out of their cars and trucks already in wetsuits and waxing their boards on the sidewalk, to having the forethought to bring washtubs/cat litter pans and gallons of water to clean up before getting back in to the car. We also have quite a few Winnebago Warriors who just park as close to the beach as they can get and stay all Summer.

    • rhywun
      • l0b0t

        OMG, that’s beautiful. Also, the guitar player looks like Pete White from The Venture Brothers.

      • l0b0t

        I recently read a report on the NYPD clean-up of the Port Authority Bus Terminal during Giuliani’s tenure. It was fascinating; the place was nothing but an open market for drugs, sex, and real crimes into which the Transit Police were to afraid to enter. This became one of the drivers behind unifying the City’s LEO agencies.

      • rhywun

        That action has moved to Washington Square Park from what I’m hearing. Except we’re not (yet) in afraid-to-enter territory so much as ordered-not-to-enter territory.

      • l0b0t

        Wifey still family on the UWS and I’ve taken the kids to the Natural History Museum, but I don’t think I’ve been to Manhattan more than half a dozen times since SuperDuperStorm Sandy. I get the agita just thinking about it; it’s like driving into Mogadishu. I like Brooklyn and Queens.

      • Festus

        Ha! I bought that on vinyl! God knows why. Used to smoke a ton of weed back then.

      • Festus

        Awful as I remembered. Maybe I was trying to impress a girl at the time? Out of all the vinyl that I shed later that one was least lamented.

      • Gender Traitor

        YT goes to her singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Aaaaaaand….I’m out.

      • Festus

        Lena Lovitch had at least one good song – https://youtu.be/YKRFlNryaWw I used to dig Laurie Anderson, too. No, I have never had carnal relations with a man.

      • l0b0t

        I love, Love, LOVE Laurie Anderson.

      • Festus

        I like anyone that Peter Gabriel will loan his band to.

    • Sean

      Yup. 7.62×39 is the best bang for the buck currently.

      • LCDR_Fish

        Got a few thousand rounds myself but still haven’t had an opportunity to go out and test fire my build….hopefully very soon.

      • Sean

        I ❤️ my AR in 7.62×39. I did have to get the enhanced firing pin though.

      • db

        I knew a guy who had a pistol length AR in 7.62x39mm with a registered DIAS. He built it simply for show. It was an incredible fire breather and was loud AF.

  25. Sean

    Local news:

    https://www.wfmz.com/news/area/southeastern-pa/brothers-charged-with-homicide-in-stabbing-death-of-man-in-richland-twp/article_6970f10a-cf95-11eb-879d-cbec98a9a041.html

    A state trooper found the brothers and the man’s body around midnight Thursday in the 500 block of East Pumping Station Road in Richland Township, just outside of Quakertown, authorities said.

    The trooper spotted what appeared to be a disabled silver Subaru on the road with its blinkers activated, just north of Heller Road outside of Quakertown. The trooper then saw a second vehicle, an Audi, parked within 100 feet of the Subaru, Weintraub said.

    • Festus

      Real-life Subaru Horror Theater. Happens all the time, sadly.

      • Sean

        Not around my neck of the woods.

        Stupid Jerseyites.

  26. Not Adahn

    LOL.

    I got an email at 6:03 this morning saying. “Hi. [tool ID] is down. a job sheet accidentally got sucked into the loadport and now the scanner arms are jammed up.”

    Fixing equipment that breaks can be annoying. Fixing equipment that someone broke is pretty awesome.

    • Chipping Pioneer

      PC LOAD LETTER

      • UnCivilServant

        Oh, you need more paper? It’s in the cabinet.

    • Festus

      Most excellent!

    • Gender Traitor

      That’s great! 😀 TL;dr, but at a glance it seems to be good publicity!

    • TARDis

      Awesome.

      Question: Who plays Ozy in the Netflix mini-series?

      • Sean

        Idris Elba. Duh.

        That dude is in everything.

      • rhywun

        Not Timothy Chamois or whatever the hell his name is?

      • Not Adahn

        When TF is Dune getting released? I’ll actually go to the theaters for that.

      • Not Adahn

        Also: Timothy Camembert is the new Bandersnatch Cummerbund.

      • Sean

        Sounds cheesey.

      • Festus

        Swizzy.