“What a shithole,” Kamala muttered as Air Force 2 descended over the mud-colored landscape of Guatemala.
“I’m sure you can help them, ma’am,” Seresto said, shapeless and sedate in her dark government blue pants suit.
“Solving the border crisis is a bag of frosted cat turds Joe’s people passed me,” Kamala said. “Something to keep me busy.”
“But what a coup if you did solve it!” Kaylieburrow said.
“300 million in humanitarian aid, 4 billion in investment?” Kamala said, sneering. “A drop in the bucket in these sort of places. El Presidente will pocket most of it.”
“We should get a picture, ma’am,” Seresto said.
Kamala pulled on her mask, leaned across the seat to get the window next to her, tried to smize, failed, glared with her beady little eyes out the window.
“And you,” she said, pointing at Asterix, dragooned as her body man for the trip, “You make sure I have plenty of sterilizing wipes and American food. I’m not interested in getting the Hershy squirts.”
“Yes, ma’am,” them said. They was freshly trimmed for the trip, them bald head glossy with sweat as the air conditioner in Air Force 2 chugged along, desperate to keep up with the horde of menopausal women Kamala had insisted on traveling with. The plane shook and them winced.
“What’s the matter with you?” Kamala demand. “Sick already? Stay away from me.” She pushed herself against the window and hissed like wet cat.
“It’s not food poisoning, ma’am,” Asterix said, holding her side. “I’m having my period.”
“Your ‘man period,’” Seresto said and giggled.
A look of disgust sprinted across Kamala’s face. “I don’t get cramps and I don’t think much of women who do,” she said, relaxing back into her seat. “Makes the rest of us look weak.”
“I think it’s a source of power!” Kaylieburrow said.
“Dripping ooze for a week is power?” Kamala said snorting.
“I’m having a very masculine period, ma’am,” Asterix said. Them was dressed in a dark blue man’s suit, wearing kitten heels, and a too short goombah tie that made they torso look sunken and gnarled.
The landed gear locked into place, jarring the plane.
“Ugh,” Asterix moaned.
“Wasn’t becoming a man supposed to stop all this nonsense?” Seresto asked Kaylieburrow.
“I need some genderqueer transmasc thempons,” Asterix said through the pain.
“Go check the bathroom,” Kamala said. “I can’t have you bleeding out of your cooze in Guatemala. These Pope-suckers will proclaim you a saint.”
“‘Man cooze,’ ma’am, you have to stay on-brand,” Kaylieburrow said. “Or ‘mooze.’”
Asterix stood up and walked down the aisle, holding on to seatbacks, them clenching they cootch muscles.
“Get cleaned up!” Kamala yelled after her. “You stink of clots!”
“Ma’am?” Seresto asked. “I’ve been going through your speech. Do we really want to tell immigrants not to come to the United States?”
“Trump is out of office,” Kamala said. “What more use would we have for a bunch of beaners too short to date? Or their ugly Indios kids?”
“But, ma’am…”
“No! They stay here, in their own shitty countries, and make them nice places to live, goddammit. Central and South America have been a shitshow since Cortez landed. It’s time for them to take responsibility for themselves.”
“And you have the Lester Holt interview,” Kaylieburrow said.
“That high yella pissant? He won’t make any trouble.”
<em“No! They stay here, in their own shitty countries, and make them nice places to live, goddammit. Central and South America have been a shitshow since Cortez landed. It’s time for them to take responsibility for themselves.”
I can only suspend disbelief so far.
This seems just too creative for Kamala.
Frosted Cat Turds® are part of a complete breakfast.
These Pope-suckers will proclaim you a saint.
Thanks. I needed this today.
I giggled at that.
South Park did it!
Ah the one where we truly cannot say Simpsons did it!
Their episode was too mild and just beat floppers if I remember.
Are you kidding? That’s the AA episode.
“You have a disease…”
Simpsons episode was mild…SP is never mild
‘mooze’
Poetry
Beat me to it.
“‘Man cooze,’ ma’am, you have to stay on-brand,” Kaylieburrow said. “Or ‘mooze.’”
Fucking golden
Yeah, that was the one that got me.
We need a Mooze and Moobs episode spinoff.
*rhythmic vomiting sounds*
Well, maybe you do…
I had to read slowly and look up a lot of things. Which I thoroughly enjoyed.
“Trump is out of office,” Kamala said. “What more use would we have for a bunch of beaners too short to date? Or their ugly Indios kids?”
That it is not satire
“I need some genderqueer transmasc thempons,”
I need a newer dictionary
The online Merriam-Webster’s will probably suffice as they’ve tried really hard to keep up with the ever-morphing verbology.
The Urban Dictionary is much more apropos for the H&H expanded universe.
SugarFree, I commend you for keeping the they/them thing going with Asterix. It’s wonderfully absurd.
It looks absurd when you read it. But isn’t it accurate?
Nothing more absurd then reality.
The declension is wrong but honestly it’s easier to read that way because then you don’t keep asking yourself “who the fuck is being talked about here?” like you do when it’s used “properly”.
Yes.
This is what makes it. A demonstration of just how fucking stupid it is. A complete butchering of language.
“I need some genderqueer transmasc thempons,”
Is this actually a thing? I have no idea what that thing would look like but honestly, as far off of the rails that the left has gone it would be unsurprising if it were real.
https://empirenews.net/tampax-releases-tampons-designed-specifically-for-post-op-transgendered-women/
The more you know
Which is satire of course…but felt it was needed to affirm the story line
I will take your word for it. I am not clicking on that.
Ha!
***SIGH!!!*** So should I take one for the team and see if they’re available at my local drug store?
Lol. Satire site. Though I give us 6 months before they actual hit the market.
Why wait? All we need is a box to repackage regular tampons. SugarFree Brand Genderqueer Transmasc Thempons. Each box would contain tampons attached to a Hollywood blood bag. Bigger bags for your heavy days. Squibs are extra.
Truly there is a market right now for the Glibs Tampoon line to launch.
But do they come in Pumpkin Spice?
They collabbed with Axe to get “manly” scents. Because nothing says I’m a woman who wants to be a man more than smelling like a pubescent boy.
?
^^^ still laughing
Pumpkin Spiece, Drakkar Noir, and Danielle by Danielle Steele.
*hurk*
Clearly, these people are NOT women. I’ve never heard a woman say “Oh, thank heavens I have to endure this disgusting torture every month. I feel so womanly!”
Despite the trials and tribulations of menopause my wife expressed great relief that she would never again have to put up with that torture.
My surgery to get my plumbing yanked was a day to celebrate, that’s for sure.
Other than a couple of minor complaints (sudden inability to lose weight, for one), menopause has been relatively good to me.
When I left Army, I moved back in with mom for the Summer before college. She was going through her menopause and kept the AC down around 68°; it was Heavenly.
Actually, since the the body treats the surgery as a wound it will try to heal it unless obstructed. So the product exists in some form, though not as an absorbant.
The difference is all in the packaging.
The pronoun stuff sounds like BBC Pidgin. “…dem clenching dey cootch muscles.”
You may have set a neologism record.
Urban dictionary thanks the site for the hits and contributions
Ugh I was such an idiot in my youth. I need to jump through hoops to get my transfer credits accepted cause my GPA is low. No matter it is a goal and I will achieve it.
Passed classes GPA is good.
Classes signed up for and too much an idiot to withdrawal and thus incomplete not good.
“Ugh I was such an idiot in my youth.”
Of course none of us were. Nope. Not us.
Stop looking at me like that! Why are you laughing?
And as I get older, what I consider my youth keeps advancing.
Now that is how you do euphemism
Half your age plus 7!
So postmenopausal
Zing! Point 4×20.
Oh, is that like socialists who become rich but insist that the actual rich people are those slightly above them?
That high yella pissant?
Something about the pot calling the kettle yella goes here.
Only SugerFree can foreshadow the past.
I dont think she qualifies but I am not sure.
We have so many terms in the south for racial mixes that I cant keep all of the nomenclature straight and have no desire to as it makes no difference whatsoever to me. Now when it comes to terms describing character and intelligence I have that down pat.
I’m sure someone’s written a reference text for all three categories.
Her media appearances remind me of a porcupine walking backward through a water pipe.
I was thinking Krusty walking through a field of rakes.
You have to remember that this is the woman who argued before the CA SC that she should not be required to release prisoners because the state needed them for slav…I mean free labor.
When you have California judges squirming and looking around nervously for the exit door…well, that is really saying something.
No she didn’t.
Yes, that would have required her to do some work. But boy was she shocked to learn about it in the papers after the fact.
It happened under her watch while she was in that office. She later claimed that she was shocked that was the argument her office put forward, but sounded more like sorry she got caught. Hell it only took them 4 years to follow an earlier edict regarding the issue, that tells me where her sincerity was on the issue.
She was attorney general and the only way her office argued that in front of the SC was that she either concocted or signed off on it so yeah, she did.
I’m going on the replies here, but are you seriously arguing that because it was her subordinates arguing for it, rather than her directly, she’s somehow absolved? I’ve assumed you were arguing in good faith. But, that really doesn’t seem like a good faith argument. Unless, you’re going to argue that as a universal (and, at risk of a violation of Godwin’s Law, that would absolve frigging Adolf Hitler of the Holocaust), you’re arguing a dead end.
Now that I think about it, it isn’t just her stupidity, mendacity and lack of self-awareness. Add all of that to that voice that is more annoying than nails on a chalkboard and it is no surprise that she got zero votes in the primary and yet here we are, poised for her presidency.
Thank you very much TDS sufferers and blue voters. Thank you so much.
Way I learned it, high yella just meant light-skinned, and the UD seems to agree with me. But then they mix in redbone, and that is definitely not the same.
Thempons are designed by a man for women who dress like men but retain the parts of a woman. They contour themselves to the non-unique contours of the male vagina and sop up manstural blood like a champ, swelling on contact and filling the negative space of your manhood with absorbant man-cotton.
Thempons: For the bleeding-bodied bald Annie Hall in your life.
*insert mind blown gif here*
Isn’t that song lyrics?
the bleeding-bodied
This will become neologism of our Lunatic-American population. Right next to “birthing person”.
Glad he is just a contributor cause that is more insurrectionist than whatever happened on Jan 6
https://twitchy.com/sarahd-313035/2021/06/09/ex-fbi-bigwig-frank-figliuzzi-says-tackling-domestic-terrorism-may-require-us-to-attack-and-dismantle-people-sitting-in-congress-right-now-video/
“Attack and dismantle.”
Man, that is some serious insurrectionist talk right there.
I’m going to censor my comments on this simply because I probably don’t need to attract any more attention to myself. Suffice it to say, Mr. Figliuzzi is crossing a line that shouldn’t be crossed.
That is one way to put it.
Fascists gonna fascist.
If its on NBC, it’s because somebody wants it there. This isn’t some lone wacko saying loony things on his YouTube channel. It’s sanctioned and promoted by the left.
They are following the Bolshevik playbook, inching ever closer to the glorious revolution. They want a hot war.
Yep. Fabianism is dead. Bolshevism is the new way.
LOL. Since you put the link after your commentary instead of before, I first read your commentary as referring to SF’s prose being more insurrectionist than what happened on Jan 6.
He’s absolutely not wrong. The way you fight a distributed terrorist group like Antifa, is by going after their command and control element, and some of that CNC element is in elected office right now.
Bingo. I want to know why they haven’t been outed. Same for the immigrant ‘caravans’ from Central America. Someone here is organizing those as well.
5 Trans-Affirming Period Brands That Make Pads, Tampons, Cups, and Underwear for Many Bodies
You really make my travels on this rock worth it SF..
Your search history must be something else.
Smells like… bailout is in the air
Lordstown Motors, the startup electric truck maker, warned Tuesday it is close to running out of cash and may be forced out of business in the next year.
The news, which sent Lordstown shares down about 20% in midday trading Wednesday, is a blow to not only the company but also to the gritty industrial town from which it gets its name. For 53 years, Lordstown, Ohio, was home to a massive General Motors plant, which GM closed in 2019.
——-
The company filing said it had $259.7 million in cash on hand as of March 31, after posting a net loss of $125.2 million over the previous three months.
It said it’s ability to stay in business “is dependent on its ability to complete the development of its electric vehicles, obtain regulatory approval, begin commercial scale production and launch the sale of such vehicles.” It is seeking additional financing.
Cash for Clunkers II, pollution free boogaloo.
“This voucher good for one union-made electric vehicle.”
Not worth the paper it’s printed on.
There’s been accusations of scam and fraud floating around in local media for the past year or so regarding Lordstown Motors.
No way. Really?
I cant believe that a company or industry that has to be funded with tax payer money would do such a thing and especially not specifically set up for that purpose.
Short-sellers take some shit, but I greatly enjoy the Hindenburg Research papers – they do their homework:
https://hindenburgresearch.com/lordstown/
Some amusing details in there, e.g.,
“Multiple former senior employees who have worked with Lordstown Founder & CEO Steve Burns openly described him as a “con man”, or a “PT Barnum” figure. One senior employee told us that, while working with Steve for a couple of years, they saw more questionable and unethical business practices than they had seen in their entire career.”
Is there a single Green company that can make money without government theft assistance? Now that the big automakers are jumping into the EV market I suspect Tesla is heading this direction.
Tesla was originally set up to act as a store front for selling carbon credits to California Industry. As far as I’m aware, the company is still a net profit loser.
No. That is what they are for….graft. Electric cars will never make money. The subsidies are just theft in broad daylight right under our noses. Electric cars are an incredibly dumb idea.
“No one ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the American people.” – P.T. ‘Sideshow’ Barnum.
Electric cars are an incredibly dumb idea.
I dunno about dumb, but they’re of very limited applicability. Commuting to work and general mobility within a suburban area being the main application.
The problem is the complete lack of versatility. If I want to take my (hybrid) car on a cross-country drive, I don’t have to do anything. I can take any route, i can drive as long as I want to, and stops can be as short as 3 or 4 minutes if need be… If I want to take an electric car on a cross-country drive, I have to plan the route to hit charging stations. I have to plan for extended stops while the battery charges.. I have to guess in advance on what my range is going to be given route conditions, weather, etc to pick the right charging stations.
Part of that is fixable with infrastructure. Part really isn’t. There are fundamental flaws to electric cars that make them niche rather than general use.
Well it seems dumb to me. You generate energy by burning hydrocarbons, changing the form of energy a half dozen times with minimal efficiency before it gets to the car or you can just put a tenth as much hydrocarbons directly in the car.
Not only are electric cars far less reliable and more dangerous they require multiple times as much hydrocarbon use. Green, my ass. It is a shell game so the end user doesn’t see where the energy comes from or how incredibly dirty they are. Then there are the subsidies.
The technology itself =/= the political forcing of the technology on people.
Forcing electric cars on the country is so far beyond dumb as to make mere dumbness seem smart. Pretending electric cars are emissionless is insanely short sighted. Pretending electric cars don’t have unsolved flaws is wishful thinking.
Individual electric cars, where employed in a useful way, are an interesting technology.
We could actually have an EV in our garage. Most of our driving is around town, and I could use it every workday for my commute.
But, that would mean we keep a gas car for longer drives. The funny thing is, my FJ is the designated highway car, because Mrs. Dean’s FJ is built out in a way that makes it suboptimal for highway driving. So we have a car for long drives now, and one we mostly just use around town.
We looked at whether you could do a roundtrip from our house in Tucson to mid to north Phoenix in an EV without recharging. It was theoretically in range, but we both noped out – the margin was just too tight.
I saw an article arguing that, when you factor in the battery manufacturing process, current-gen EVs will hit carbon break-even with gas cars just about the time the batteries wear out.
I don’t know if they took the carbon load created by generating electricity for the EVs into account.
You generate energy by burning hydrocarbons, changing the form of energy a half dozen times with minimal efficiency before it gets to the car or you can just put a tenth as much hydrocarbons directly in the car.
Actually, the internal combustion engine is not that efficient. There are certainly worse options, but there are definitely better ones too. The problem with the better ones is that they are generally too large, too complex, or both, to be practically useful in a car or other smallish vehicle*. But believe it or not, converting chemical energy to heat (via combustion) to mechanical (via turbine) to electric (via generator) back to mechanical (via electric motor) can actually be more efficient, in terms of the amount of fuel used per unit of power obtained, than internal combustion. But you generally need to use that power right away; the losses tend to mount from transmission and storage.
* = Train locomotives are large enough that they can take advantage of one of the better alternatives, in the form of diesel-electric transmission
I’m surprised that series hybrid configurations haven’t been more popular in cars.
Electric cars could be awesome. Battery powered cars are dumb.
What we need is to convert highways to human-sized slot-car tracks.
I doubt they are going to put any across my timberland. Hell I can barely get my gasoline jeep in and out of some places now and it is a beast.
Yeah… But I still want one of these – https://www.zeromotorcycles.com/fleet/military/
Markets in everything.
Good God. I set a music video to play then paused it so I could get another pack of smokes and pour a vodka. When I got back I put the headphones on just in time to hear an ad with Stacy Abrams asking us to stand up against Jim Crow.
Who passed those laws Stacy? Who got rid of them? They really are off of the rails.
*facepalm*
Who passed those laws Stacy? Who got rid of them? They really are off of the rails.
Embrace critical race theory, suthen. It’s the new fad.
Stacy Abrams is always right because Stacy Abrams is a leftist. The fact that she’s black and female just adds to her credibility because that’s what we care about these days, especially especially when talking about black issues.
If Tom Sowell talks about black issues, he is always wrong. Not because it’s wrong to talk about black issues, but because it’s wrong for conservatives to talk about black issues. Doesn’t matter if he says the same exact things Stacey Abrams said.
The mind scrambling part of all of this is that when Stacy Abrams oversteps and does something so heinous that even her followers will have to disapprove, she will by definition no longer be a leftist, because leftists don’t do bad things.
Those ads have had the positive effect of taking me from not caring about Stacy Abrams to positively detesting her, so there’s that.
Who passed those laws Stacy?
Whitey passed them.
That’s just great writing. Combine it with the pronoun flibberty-jibberty and this ranks as a literary masterpiece, IMO.
*WEAPONS GRADE DERP WARNING*
Perioding is your superpower you say? A Hollywood bubble head is way ahead of you.
*WEAPONS GRADE DERP WARNING*
(It is possibly a troll, but it seems legit)
*insert face melting gif here*
That’s an A10 Warthog deeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrpppppppppp
Printed with special ink?
“She can swing like Spider-Man from her armpit hair,” Clarke says.
Hopefully it is invisible ink.
And it could have been good if the alter ego was Aunt Flo. Not sure how effective those superpowers would be once a month, but I doubt anyone would deny the destructive power of PMS.
Or second-trimester bipolar syndrome (think PMS for three months, interspersed with extreme horniness)
Wasn’t the PMS Avenger one of the hero’s in Mystery Men?
“‘Man cooze,’ ma’am, you have to stay on-brand,” Kaylieburrow said. “Or ‘mooze.’”
I was surprised Kamala didn’t bitchslap Kaylieburrow.
What more use would we have for a bunch of beaners too short to date?
Ouch.
Macron slap I think you mean.
https://www.jta.org/2019/03/19/israel/why-a-bible-toting-onion-eating-british-officer-remains-a-hero-in-israel-75-years-after-his-death
Was that the style at the time?
Once you have it on your belt, what else are you supposed to do with it?
Which is the eccentric part, the nudity or the onion?
Yes.
Kamala Harris: All the raw ambition of Hillary Clinton, and none of the charm.
Or the ability to get dirt on your fellow party members.
She got that VP nod somehow, I wouldn’t rule it out.
Purely due to the BLM/Antifa protesticle riotitos.
She aint called Horizontal Harris for no reason.
The National Lampoon tv critic was named Harry Zontilhold.
We spent some time in Guatemala five years ago for a medical conference. There’s actually a lot of beauty and natural scenery in the country. The biggest tourist attraction, which might fit in a SugarFree thread, is a big fountain featuring a circle of carved naked ladies with water shooting out of their nipples.
“Electric cars could be awesome. Battery powered cars are dumb.
What we need is to convert highways to human-sized slot-car tracks.”
Except every man will do what they did as a kid, gun it and fling the car off the track trying to hit their brother.
One of the cars would run great but the other wouldn’t move at all.
You have to have a big pencil eraser in your trunk for when you get stuck.
I never hear anyone talk about the battery life in those cars. Or the batteries diminishing capacity over the life of that battery. Maybe, just maybe, you can get the advertised range out of the battery….on the day you purchase it, but it goes down after that. Also, what is the cost of replacement?
Also, get in a wreck and see what happens. No one is going to cut you out of that car until a hazmat team clears you.
I just dont see any pluses. If you want one for a toy, hey, it’s your money but as a practicality it makes no sense.
Pretty sure the G Forces would be absurdly high. At least the way my brother and I drove them.
Serious LOL’s throughout this one. Thanks SF. I only mouth vomited twice!
Also way late to the game, and equally appreciative. This was quite the restorative to the govt dipshittery I actually had to deal with today.