The Hat and The Hair: Episode 186

by | Sep 8, 2021 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 199 comments

 

“More!” the hat said. “Give him more!”

“He’s had enough!” the hair wailed, the tube of ivermectin paste clutched in his tendrils.

“My mouth tastes funny,” Donald said, President In-Exile of the United States of Real America.

“Rub it on his nipples,” the hat said. “Especially the big one.”

The hair, grumbling, rubbed the greenish paste on Donald’s magenta nipples as the man groaned in delight.

“I will have it,” the hair said, “I will have PRESIDENT CENTAUR for 2024!”

“Horse medicine won’t make him into a half-horse,” the hair said. “That doesn’t even make any sort of cryptozoological sense!”

 

 

“Quiet, you! Or I’ll have Leroy take another bite!” At the sound of his name, the giant alligator hissed and then snapped his jaws shut.

“I don’t need it,” Donald said. “I’ve beaten COVID dozens of times. I’ve taken all the vaccines! I made my own vaccine!” He shook a can of 7-up filled with palmetto bugs and aquarium water for emphasis.

“The ivermectin is just to keep you safe!’ the hat said.

“Look,” Donald said. “No one loves ivermectin more than me. No one! Look what it did for my son. Barron is over nine feet tall now. He’s yuge. He’s the start of the coming race. He’s finally big enough for me to love him.”

 

“That’s why you need to take more!” the hat screeched. He took a long gulping, choking drink of White Claw Mango and then barfed up a zipper.

“Dan-uld! Put ona damn shirt if yew’re gonna be makin’ videos!” Darlene said as she walked into the Oval Oval Office.

“No! Go away!” the hat said.

“Yes, Darlene,” Donald said “It was just a Tik-Tok.”

“Witch!” the hat hissed. “Shirtless is how he gets clicks!”

The hair lay frozen on the Oval Oval Office desk, the smooth Naugahyde of the cushioned surface of the folding table cool against his hairs.

Donald pulled on a filthy undershirt as Darlene opened the can of margarita she was carrying, drained it, belched, and laughed.

“I hate his Florida wife so much,” the hat whispered to the hair.

“Be quiet,” the hair hissed. “She threatened to make me into a merkin the last time she came home from the dog track all fucked up on bath salts.”

“Merkins are an urban myth,” Donald said, the ivermectin on his nipples bleeding through the fabric of his shirt.

Darlene cackled and scratched a scab off the side of her nose.

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

199 Comments

  1. R C Dean

    “Rub it on his nipples,” the hat said. “Especially the big one.”

    I’d like to thank you not at all for that mental image.

    • Fourscore

      Glad I was already sitting down. Hoping my stomach will settle , otherwise I’ll be skipping lunch. Thanks, SF, you’re the best!

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Seconded

    • Ownbestenemy

      Inquiring minds need to know though..is it the left or the right? Or a hidden third nipple?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Inquire all you like, but leave me out of it.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Why only 3?

        He might have a row of 4 up each side.

    • Bobarian LMD

      I got strange looks here in the office over the choke/snort/gag noise I made.

      “Hey Bob… What was that?”

      “You… You wouldn’t understand.”

  2. CPRM

    I was just think, ‘I’m drunk at 11am on Wednesday’ and I was sad. The I remembered! It’s 11am on a Wednesday! And I ran to my computer with the glee of a child on Christmas morning. I was not disappointed. The Hat and Hair return! How did they make it out of New Jersey?! Tune in to find out! And remember, drink your Ovaltine!

  3. Ghostpatzer

    That doesn’t even make any sort of cryptozoological sense!

    And so begins the saga of STEED SMITH!

    • Fourscore

      A centaur as the result of a week end with the Smith boys

    • db

      It’s the mane attraction for Cryptid Night.

      • Plisade

        The Hat and The Mane?

  4. Sean

    He shook a can of 7-up filled with palmetto bugs and aquarium water for emphasis.

    Wut?

    • CPRM

      I massaged er messaged you in the forums about the peppers.

      • Sean

        My first forum message!

        Responded.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Also worth mentioning, they can fly.

      • Suthenboy

        Oh no. They dont have waxed feet. They stomp around in shit and then wipe their feet off on your sandwich. They are giant nasty-ass roaches.

  5. Sean

    Nice alt text.

  6. Tonio

    Lovecraftian couplet for the win. This is perhaps the most bizarre fiction you have written (that I know of).

    That horse thingy just ain’t right.

    • Sean

      I’m not sure if he got into the Adderall or forgot to take it for this episode.

      *shrug*

    • Zwak, jack off, all trades

      Is it for Broneys, ya think? But, no, it ain’t right.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Nay, it is not.

      • Bobarian LMD

        O-oo-o-ohh Wibur!

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Jar Jar Binks in drag is what I see,

    • Not Adahn

      Isn’t it a licensed Sarah Jessica Parker sex doll?

      • Sean

        ????

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        They’re hard to find. Everybody was champing at the bit to get one.

      • db

        They marely got them in stock before they sold out.

      • Rebel Scum

        High demand since you don’t have to worry about riding bareback.

      • Ghostpatzer

        Just whip it when you’re in the saddle.

      • Bobarian LMD

        We’re gonna ride this one into the ground.

        There in no need to beat a dead Jessica.

  7. DEG

    How did The Hat get a zipper down its gullet?

    Do I want to know?

    • R C Dean

      I don’t.

  8. wdalasio

    He’s the start of the coming race. He’s finally big enough for me to love him.

    I have to admit, I’m intrigued by the notion of a BT revenge epic. What I’ve read on the internet is that he’s high-IQ (and that’s not even coming from Donald Trump). He’s about 6’7″. All he needs to do is fil out and he’s dangerous.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      He says his favorite food is caviar. Not making this up.

    • Grumbletarian

      I thought that picture was Photoshopped. Barron could be the Gregor Clegane of the family.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      BARRON SMITH WANT REVENGE

      • rhywun

        *cue godzilla shriek*

      • db

        BARRON SMITH? Pine Barrens? Uh-oh, H&H just kicked it up a notch.

      • Ghostpatzer

        He is quite the Devil!

  9. Suthenboy

    Just for fun, since the subject of roaches came up, mix white flour half-n-half with boric acid then add water until you get a pasty dough. roll it out into a sheet about 1/4″ thick. Use a pizza cutter to cut it into 1/2″X1/2″ squares. Let it dry overnight then toss them out under your sink, behind your fridge, in your window sills etc.
    Within a month or two all roaches will disappear. They will keep roaches out of. your house for 20 years or so.

    • Pine_Tree

      Know if it does anything for ants? We’re seeing the crazy ants here that don’t hurt anything (except electrical gear) but show up by the gazillions.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Permethrin. Dilute per instructions, spray around foundation. Don’t spray on cats or on anything the cats will irrationally lick.

      • Suthenboy

        Boric acid dissolves chitin. Roaches try to eat the flour but their mouth parts dissolve in the acid. They starve.
        I dont. know about the ants….try it and see what happens. That might work.

        Clove oil will keep ants out. Try putting some of that out.

      • SDF-7

        I suspect it will work on ants — the ant baits I use Borax as the active ingredient, so that fits.

      • R C Dean

        Borax works a treat on ants. Its the ingredient in some anti-ant products. Boric acid should also work.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Probably does. But if you want an easy solution, try the ant killing gel in a syringe dispenser. You just put a pea sized dot along the line where the ants are walking, and they swarm it. It kills the entire colony in a few days. I use it on ants that aren’t attracted to regular baits.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Hm. The More You Know! ?

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Thanks, Edit Fairy! ?‍♀️

  10. R.J.

    Fantastic series. This made my day.

  11. Suthenboy

    What is it with Eurotards? I have been listening to Celtic music this morning. They are way over the top with the lights and visual flair. Just play the damned music and let it speak for itself.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      LOL. That’s made for the American public broadcasting crowd. The kind who think some Chardonnay and some nice brie cheese from Trader Joes constitutes a raging party.

    • Gender Traitor

      lights and visual flair

      You’re watching Celtic Woman, aren’t you?

      It’s the redheads, isn’t it?

  12. Tundra

    “That’s why you need to take more!” the hat screeched. He took a long gulping, choking drink of White Claw Mango and then barfed up a zipper.

    God damn you are good.

    I made myself wait to read this until I finished a bunch of bullshit tasks.

    Worth the wait. Thanks, SF!

    • Suthenboy

      It is the subtle details that make you puke a little in your mouth that make it all worth while.

  13. trshmnstr the terrible

    *applause*

    I kinda like Florida Trump better than presidential Trump.

  14. Not Adahn

    “That doesn’t even make any sort of cryptozoological sense!”

    Ever since the lawsuits, Miskatonic U. will admit anybody.

  15. trshmnstr the terrible

    OT: As a follow on to the discussion about Tres’s network in the morning links, I’m putting together a “this is my home network” article to show what I’ve done and what I plan to do in the future.

    Any technical minded people interested in adding on to the series with a whistlestop tour of your home network?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I’m technically minded, but I opted to outsource my parental control problems to Netgear. So I can add a recommendation, but that’s about it.

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      My network skills are about 20 years out of date. I set up my home LAN back in the early oughts when I ran the dial-up internet service. My server did the routing (including DHCP and DNS) along with being a file server.

      I’ve dropped my domain so I’m no longer doing web, ftp or mail. The server (running Server 2003) is slowly dying so I’m preparing to switch my files to the local box.

    • Ghostpatzer

      First I need to get mine up to speed – built a new rig last week, and somehow screwed up the network configuration and it is refusing to serve DNS requests to Windows boxen. Maybe I can contribute a section on what not to do.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        My goal (at least in my article) is to just do a basic look at what my concerns are, what I look for when buying equipment, and what I ended up with. I don’t have everything set up since I’m in a rental, so my article is less of “look, shiny!” and more of “look how easy it is to set up a network that isn’t controlled by the ISP.”

    • kbolino

      I could offer up something. There’s much I’d like to do with my home network but haven’t yet, however it is at least isolated from the ISP’s direct management.

    • SDF-7

      I suck at networking. Just not one of my strong points. So my home LAN is pretty simple — wired everywhere I can, self-bought cable modem with self-bought router plugged into it that handles DHCP. Linux server as a file share. Officejet does network printing on its own, so one less thing to worry about. Mac mini to serve up Apple Home Sharing to Apple TVs. Not much else to it.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Have you tried Toastmasters? Yes I’m that computer illiterate.

    • Dr Mossy Lawn

      For routers I have been prosumer to small office commercial for the past 15 years. The home level stuff was just junk.

      Currently the router is a commercial system with dual ISPs, hot failover, 2 switches, IPv6 testbed, NAS, UPS, multi building links, etc.

      I had to expand the system with working from home all of the time and the limits of the local DSL (3mbit). Used to have a single Juniper SRX.

      One key item I tell people in the permanent work from home group is that this network is now your business network, you need a backup plan. You must test your backup plan.

      In the previous times, the backup would be “go into the office”, but that isn’t available, so have the hotspot, or library, available, or yes, you may need to pay for 2 ISP links to do your work. Still cheaper than commuting.

      • Tres Cool

        I understood nearly all those words (up to w/e a Juniper is) but not necessarily in the order that you typed them.

    • R C Dean

      Not technical at all, but I got one of those power line converters to hook up our PCs to a hardline rather than wifi. Mine is in a part of the Casa with barely any wifi signal, and when that worked I got one for Mrs. Dean’s as well.

      They work quite well.

      I first tried to use the TV cables that run into every bedroom, but it caused problems with our TV signal and even upstream onto the cables in the neighborhood. Since we’ve ditched satellite and cable TV, though, we could probably set things up using those cables instead of the power line converter. But the converter works, so it falls into the box of “Not broke, not fixing it”.

      • l0b0t

        Ooh… Back in the dialup days, I used a similar thing that plugged into the electrical outlet and had a port for a phone cord; One close to the telephone and the other by the PC. I could log on to TallyNet (a free ISP provided by the Leon County Public Library) from the comfort of my bedroom (“You have to wait to make your call, I’m downloading a picture.”).

      • blighted_non_millenial

        Powerline to ethernet is highly dependent on your house’s electrical build out. If it’s a newer house you are probably good, but be prepared for disappointment.

      • Ownbestenemy

        ^^^ If your wiring is > 20 years or is a hot mess throughout the house, might want to find a different solution

    • Unreconstructed

      I could start on what I’ve got in progress, but I need to get a new outlet in my coat closet to truly change it into a network closet.

  16. Grumbletarian

    I would have expected Trump in Exile to preside from the Ovaler Office.

    • SugarFree

      Damn. That is funnier.

    • Ozymandias

      The question is, does being more oval make it less like a circle or more like a circle?

      • Not Adahn

        It has to do with amount of gold leaf involved.

      • Bobarian LMD

        On the presidential shitter?

      • Tres Cool

        +1 LBJ

    • R C Dean

      Wouldn’t it be the Ovalest Office? The Ovalest Office ever, just tremendous, you’ll never see an ovaler office?

  17. mikey

    I love Wednesdays. The Hat & Hair are back better than ever!
    Next up – the SF afternoon links girl!

  18. Ozymandias

    Great, SF. Bravo.
    I had some good chuckles in this one.
    H&H is the best, everyone agrees, the best rug and cap evah.

  19. Rebel Scum

    Watts with this guy?

    Biden: “By 2020 [we’re going to] make sure all of our electricity is zero emissions”

    I guess we’d better get to it.

    • Suthenboy

      TINSTAAFL.

      Stupid, stupid fuckers fell asleep during HS physics class.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Zero emissions energy is doable, but is usually cost prohibitive and/or in need of exotic materials or construction techniques. Thus, it’s idiotic to transition the entire society to zero emissions.

        Geothermal is a decent way to get zero emissions energy, but not everywhere is well adapted for geothermal and it tends to be expensive.

        Various solar methods get zero emissions energy, but the various methods either need exotic materials, toxic fluids, create an environmental nuisance, cost an arm and a leg, or a combination thereof.

        Hell, taking a cue from nature, it’s possible to generate energy with net negative CO2. However, these loons will have to let me know when we figure out how to build synthetic chlorophyll and convert ATP to electric energy.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        While electricity generation could possibly get there eventually someday way out there, agriculture and plastics are not zero emissions and probably never will be. well maybe plastics someday if we get bacteria to grow the stuff.

      • kbolino

        “Zero emissions” is a marketing slogan which assumes upfront emissions amortize out to zero. That is a fallacy, and in some cases an egregious one. “Time-shifted emissions” is more accurate.

      • mikey

        The concept that most greenies won’t deal with is that . “Everything comes from somewhere and everything goes somewhere.” If you’re not taking those somewhere into account you’re not doing it right.

      • R C Dean

        Zero emissions energy is doable

        Is it? Including the energy to make the zero emissions stuff? Right now our solar panels are being made with coal-fired power plants in China.

      • kbolino

        There’s probably enough deployed solar capacity, even in China, to make solar panels with solar energy. But that’s going to be disingenuous for two reasons:

        1. It’s just an accounting trick; the gross energy demand isn’t going to change, and to a first-order approximation, energy is fungible
        2. Energy production is not the only source of emissions; refining of raw materials produces its own waste products

      • R C Dean

        Looks like the ChiComs claim to have 130 gigawatts of solar installed. I doubt its that much, because they lie compulsively, but I was expecting practically none.

      • R.J.

        There is always an emission, per Suthenboy’s point. Even if it is heat. Lower emissions, or more efficient is the correct term. Zero emissions is a stupid term. You cannot produce pure energy by magic without some side product.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Look at this guy.

      • Bobarian LMD

        exotic materials, toxic fluids,

        Those things are not zero emissions.

      • SDF-7

        If he evidently has a flux capacitor, Mr. Fusion can’t be far behind.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I’m waiting for my Mr. Radar honestly…it would be an improvement to our current systems

    • Ghostpatzer

      Time Travel is a major component of the infrastructure spending bill.

    • db

      Apparently Biden’s going to use the Stargate to go find a few ZPMs.

  20. Sean

    Violence is the answer.

    Also, that dude couldn’t outrun that cop?

    /facepalm

    • EvilSheldon

      One of my favorite t-shirt slogans.

      ‘I know violence is not the answer. I got it wrong on purpose.’

      • wdalasio

        I’ve noticed any number of times how often the people screeching “Violence never solved anything” are the first to demand government action about things they don’t like.

        What do they think the government is doing? Having a friendly conversation with those who disagree with them over cocktails?

      • R C Dean

        “If you don’t think violence is the answer, you’re not asking the right questions.”

        For those who think “Violence never solved anything”, I have a question about how the Third Reich got solved.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        “My mother said violence never solves anything.” “So?” Mr. Dubois looked at her bleakly. “I’m sure the city fathers of Carthage would be glad to know that.”

        Starship Troopers. – Heinlein

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Full version

        I was not making fun of you personally; I was heaping scorn on an inexcusably silly idea — a practice I shall always follow. Anyone who clings to the historically untrue and thoroughly immoral doctrine that violence never settles anything I would advise to conjure up the ghosts of Napoleon Bonaparte and the Duke of Wellington and let them debate it. The ghost of Hitler could referee and the jury might well be the Dodo, the Great Auk, and the Passenger Pigeon. Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and their freedoms.”

  21. Tundra

    This made me laugh.

    Go back.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Warning heeded.

  22. The Other Kevin

    I suppose this is on topic. After a week of us both having sinus and allergy symptoms, Mrs. TOK developed a cough yesterday. To be safe we both went in for a Covid test, and we both came up positive. She has the cough, but apparently I’ve had it for over a week with no fever, cough, or any of the symptoms you hear about. I’m still in shock over this, I never thought Covid could have such mild symptoms. I suppose I’m lucky, in exchange for 10 days of sinus headaches I get immunity.

    • Sean

      ?

    • DEG

      You’re dead and you don’t even know it yet.

      Just like me.

      And everyone else that had it and thinks they recovered.

      On a serious note, I hope you both get well soon!

    • Ghostpatzer

      Congrats, you get to star, along with Lou Reed, in the next George Romero epic.

      Glad everyone is OK.

    • db

      Get well soon! I had some really mild symptoms a few weeks ago, but never checked to see if I had it. I’ve been thinking about doing one of those t-cell tests that Scruffy posted about a while ago.

      • The Other Kevin

        Do it. I never would have gotten tested if my wife hadn’t developed a cough. Apparently just about any symptom can be a sign of Covid now. For us it was nothing like we’d seen in the news.

      • DEG

        When I talked to my doctor’s office, I described pneumonia symptoms, because that’s what got me to call the doc.

        Then they started asking me questions about Covid starting with, “Have you been around anyone that has Covid?”

        Oh boy.

      • R C Dean

        “I work in a hospital. What counts as being around anyone who has COVID?”

    • Tundra

      Good deal.

      Although I want you to cast your mind back – way back – to a time when we FUCKING GOT SICK ONCE IN AWHILE! And nothing else happened.

      I’m glad you both are doing ok. Pounding the quinine, zinc, D and C?

      • The Other Kevin

        Haven’t really started on any of that. Planning on D and C for sure. I have an antibiotic on order because I do have a sinus infection. I’m supposedly at like day 10 of being sick so I’m really near the end of it.

      • R C Dean

        If you go zinc and qunine, get the quinine pills. Tonic water has a pitifully small dose.

      • Swiss Servator

        So you just make sure you drink a good half dozen G&T’s a day!?

      • Ownbestenemy

        See..that was what I was thinking

      • Bobarian LMD

        we FUCKING GOT SICK ONCE IN AWHILE!

        Not for nothing, but the PCR test will return a positive for other infections as well…

        Also, my son went to the ER with breathing issues; when they found out he was vaccinated they passed on testing him for the ‘vid and sent him home with antibiotics and a steroid.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I assume the compensation structures have changed if you’re vaccinated. The CDC probably doesn’t want to count breakthrough cases.

      • Sean

        The CDC probably doesn’t want to count breakthrough cases.

        I thought they had released guidance on not testing mild cases for vaccinated peeps.

        Who knows anymore? The “rules” change daily anyway, so it’s best to ignore them all anyway.

    • grrizzly

      If you’re vaccinated, now is the time to say how much worse the symptoms would have been without the vaccine.

      • The Other Kevin

        So about that. I’m not, but I’m experiencing symptoms I’d expect if I were vaccinated. Hmm.

      • grrizzly

        But you’re around 50, right? And must be in a very good physical shape given your hockey games. I remember your article on riding handbikes. I’m not surprised by your experience.

      • The Other Kevin

        Yes all of that is correct.

      • blackjack

        In that case, I’d say, ” thank the dog I’m not vaccinated. Those people seem to be getting much sicker than I did!

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      You still need to get the vaccine because otherwise you will still be considered one of the unclean. Just because you’re immune doesn’t mean that you can’t get it again. So be sure to get your booster shots as well. Nor does that mean you can’t get it and give it to other people when you don’t have symptoms. So wear your mask. Because, This is a totally not an engineered virus that behaves in ways that no virus has ever behaved before.

      Also we’re all going to die.

      https://news.yahoo.com/nipah-virus-why-more-deadly-185533487.html?fr=sycsrp_catchall

    • The coolest vaccine-free BEAM in the world™

      Like most people who get it, your symptoms were mild.
      Or your tests are showing false positives (although I don’t know the odds of two tests showing a false positive at the same time . . . ).

      Apropos of this, The Flu Has Returned to India.

    • Ted S.

      Tell Mrs. Kevin to come on here to tell us your last words.

      • The Other Kevin

        No need , they will be “fuck off slaver”.

      • db

        I…wish…I had…only…told…more…slavers…to fuck off!

    • Ownbestenemy

      That seems to be the running mild symptoms I have been hearing about from people who have had COVID previously, though my sample size is not that inclusive. Sinus headaches, maybe a mild cough, no fever. Which I experienced not long ago, but again, no fever, I keep my fluid intake up and go about my day. Maybe also like db, get a t-cell test…

  23. Rebel Scum

    Why remove the likeness of your number one customer?

    The Taliban have started replacing murals on Kabul’s streets with paintings of their flags and Islamic slogans as the new rulers continued to reimpose their austere vision on Afghanistan.

    The murals addressed everything from the killing of George Floyd in the US and the drowning of Afghan refugees in Iran, to the signing of the US-Taliban agreement towards peace and murder of a Japanese aid worker.

    • kbolino

      The Taliban takes “thou shalt have no other gods before me” rather seriously.

    • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

      The George Floyd iconography in Kabul is just an example of cultural appropriation. It’s good they are removing it.

      • Sean

        I like them more than Democrats.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I see the Dept of State has been hard at work bringing the most moronic American domestic politics to foreign countries.

      • R C Dean

        They just scolded the Taliban for, get this, not having enough women in the government.

        These are genuinely, profoundly, stupid people.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        At the same time they’re asking the Taliban for help in getting people out of the country?

        That’s some real high fallutin’ negotiatin’ they got going on there.

      • kbolino

        They’re so accustomed to having backchannels and compromat that they don’t know how to behave when dealing with someone who can’t easily be bribed or threatened.

      • kbolino

        kompromat*

      • B.P.

        I can’t imagine what those negotiations look like.

        “You know those people in your country that you feel are collaborators and hate and want to kill? Yeah yeah, the ones on the list we gave you. Can you deliver them safely to us, please? We’ll… uh…. Give us a few minutes. We’ll come up with a quid pro quo that’s monumentally stupid and against our interests.”

      • kbolino

        The people who staff government agencies and NGOs are extremely parochial; it’s just that, being cosmopolitans, their parish is not defined by national or regional boundaries, but instead by a cross-national elite culture.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I’ve got an old contact in the Department. He is (or was) most assuredly not woke. I’d be curious as to how he’s faring.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Ah, looks like he’s in Nepal.

      • Ownbestenemy

        We will export our stupidity in the same manner we exported our ‘democracy’.

  24. mikey

    Re palmetto bugs. I’ve always assumed they were the cockroaches that decent people had. My FL MIL swore they never had roaches – they weren’t like that. Sure, they might have palmetto bugs, but they’re not the same.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Grew up in Florida, can confirm. They might get inside occasionally, but don’t typically infest your house like the nasty little ones can.

    • l0b0t

      IIRC, the German cockroach, the wee ones ubiquitous here in the Northeast, lives and breeds indoors, while the Palmetto bug (American cockroach) lives and breeds out of doors and only come inside to eat.

  25. Gustave Lytton

    Anyone put in a heat pump/hybrid water heater? My instincts say stay the fuck away from it but I’m being asked to consider one.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Follow your instincts unless you’re going for lowest energy consumption in an off-the-grid scenario.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Seems like they’d be well worth it if you live in a hot area. Plus your electric utility might help pay for it.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Yeah, that’s part of the thinking. $600 from the utility (*maybe, they only rebate BPA approved water heaters and the one I’m looking at has a different suffix on model number so may not be accepted), $150 fed credit, and 3-4 year payback on the difference.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I’m averse to them because they’re relatively complicated and more prone to failure.

    • Sean

      https://www.bobvila.com/articles/heat-pump-water-heaters/

      Before purchasing a HPWH, it’s vital to confirm that your home can provide the appliance with what it needs to operate with greatest efficiency—a sufficient supply of warm air. While it’s possible to install other water-heating technologies in areas as small as a closet, HPWHs usually need at least 750 or 1,000 square feet. Any location big enough must also be stable in temperature (ideally never going below 40 degrees or above 90 degrees). Not every home contains an available space that satisfies both requirements.

      Plus, if the only suitable area for the HPWH happens to fall within a part of the home that you pay to heat, there’s a tricky tradeoff. After all, if your HVAC system must work harder (and consume more energy) to counteract the cooling effect of HPWHs on their immediate surroundings, the money-saving benefits of the high-efficiency water heater may be diminished, at least during colder months. Given the number of variables at play, it’s wise to consult with a contractor. Generally speaking, homeowners in cold climates are typically successful installing HPWHs in unconditioned areas with exposure to the heat of a furnace, boiler, or washer and dryer. In warm climates, garage installations are most common.

      • Gustave Lytton

        And we’re out. Water heater in a unconditioned, mostly uninsulated garage. Does drop below 40F and occasionally above 90F. Also doesn’t have a nearby drain for condensate.

        Thanks guys!

  26. Tres Cool

    WRT to Zero Emissions: Our (Jugsy’s) doge, The Dozer, is spoiled in his old age. Each morning when I get home, he gets a can of wet food mixed with the dry, since dogs are stupid enough to think its some exotic treat. Protip- Purina One made with duck & chicken may cause your 95 lb. boxer-doge to fart all over the house like a proper Holstein cow.

      • db

        Yeah, but the volume of it is tiny compared to your breath so no one will notice. Dilution is the solution to the pollution.

        Plus, *never* trust a fart.

      • Tres Cool

        I cant remember off the top of my head what the LEL for methane is, but Im getting concerned about the pilot light on the water heater as a point of ignition. It even worse than me after some White Castles and Milwaukee’s Diet Beast.

      • R.J.

        It could be a shart.

      • Gender Traitor

        Or a shartnado?

      • kbolino

        10/10 would laugh-barf again

      • Bobarian LMD

        Always trust a shart?

    • Swiss Servator

      Boxers exist to fart. No special dietary reasons needed. It is what they are…

      • Tres Cool

        Word.

  27. Ownbestenemy

    A little bit deeper dive on ACLU’s Vaccine Mandates will Set You Free policy stance

    [Many claim that] vaccines are a justifiable intrusion on autonomy and bodily integrity. That may sound ominous, because we all have the fundamental right to bodily integrity and to make our own health care decisions. But these rights are not absolute. They do not include the right to inflict harm on others…

    So it is okay for the Government to inflict that bodily harm?
    Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck oooooooooooooooff

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      The Venn Diagram of my body and somebody else’s body is generally two separate non-overlapping circles except during copulation.

    • kbolino

      It’s amazing how every right always has an unstated but inarguable loophole that the establishment and its apologists can drive a Mack truck through whenever they feel like. Awfully convenient, that.

      • db

        It’s also amazing that my rights always stop before I get to other people’s noses, but their rights seem to go straight through my head.

      • kbolino

        Rights + Power = Absolute

        Rights − Power = Not Absolute

    • Fatty Bolger

      My body
      is not your
      externality

      • Sean

        But could it be for $20?

      • db

        Same as downtown

      • db

        Looks like I got all crossed up with Swiss.

      • Rebel Scum

        It’s impolite to cross streams . . . of thought.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I mean let’s apply it to…penises. The threat of rape culture justifies the government to lop off your little tiddly-wink to ensure you do not inflict harm on others. Boobs..they are distracting and have caused much harm to teenage drivers and married men for ages…get rid of them too! Fingers pull triggers…justifiable to remove them.

      My guess is they are getting massive amounts of donations from the boards of the Pharma industry…just my guess.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I think pharma has learned the rules of propaganda and infiltration quite well.

      • wdalasio

        they are getting massive amounts of donations from the boards of the Pharma industry

        Perhaps. But, it wouldn’t be necessary. I don’t know if anyone recalls, but just after the whole mess in Charlottesville, the ACLU leadership sent out a message that they’d support civil liberties, as long as doing so wasn’t divorced from the “bigger picture”. That bigger picture, of course, was the sensibilities of their progressive funding base. Standing against vax mandates might risk them being associated with icky right-wingers.

      • kbolino

        Perhaps. But, it wouldn’t be necessary.

        Codependence is the name of the game

    • DEG

      Did Ron Bailey write that?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        He certainly could have.

    • db

      OK, ACLU, either rights and liberties mean something, or they don’t.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I think they just answered that question.

    • Rebel Scum

      But these rights are not absolute.

      So bodily autonomy is a privilege?

    • Translucent Chum

      But these rights are not absolute. They do not include the right to inflict harm on others…

      Let me just thumb through their stance on abortion.

  28. westernsloper

    Excellent!