Alvin pushed his sunglasses to his head reflexively as he stared down the canopy of a mature tree blocking his path down the alley. Scratching his temple, he collected himself emotionally and shifted the car into reverse. As he swung the car in the driveway, he glanced down the longer stretch of alleyway, knowing full well what he would see. An intractable maze of building debris, tree branches, and miscellanea.
Well, we’re fucked. The emotion he felt was almost relief. There was no easy way out of this one. It was going to take an hour to clear enough of that tree out of the way, and that was assuming he could get the chainsaw to fire up. The other direction was simply not an option.
He threw the car into park with an exaggerated push, not noticing that the car was still rolling. The careless move was rewarded with an unpleasant chirp from the transmission.
How ’bout we don’t break the few things we have, yeah? He mildly chastised himself. He cracked the baby’s window, but kept the A/C running so that she would be comfortable but could also hear his voice. No need for a screaming baby to complicate matters.
The chainsaw and the bar oil were easy to find, sitting right at the edge of the garage. He cooed at the baby as he carried them out and set them next to the open driver’s door. The 2-cycle fuel, carb cleaner, and starting fluid were much harder to find, as everything had fallen off of the shelves and ended up in a giant pile. After a few moments of digging, he had all the necessary equipment and headed back out to the car. He found spots for the various liquids, but the saw itself didn’t really fit anywhere. After fussing with it for a few moments, he came to the conclusion that the bar was the problem, and he had a perfect solution. He pressed the button for the sunroof and, once it cracked open enough, shoved the bar up through the hole. The saw itself rested on the center console and, although it was awkward, he was able to drive the 50 feet down the alleyway without the saw being in his lap.
The oak that was sitting in the alley was enormous. Probably a 40 or 50 footer, one of the biggest ones in the neighborhood. It landed in just the wrong way so that removing it from the alley would require more than just trimming small branches. There were some multi-foot-wide branches sitting in the alley, and they would need to be cut into sections. An hour seemed optimistic at this point.
First things first, I have to hope that the fuel stabilizer actually held up over the 4 years since I last used the saw.
He wasn’t particularly hopeful, but it was try or die. As he got to work, his mind began to wander, focusing on the unseen.
The roadways are piling up.
Upon removing the saw from the case, he twisted the dirt-caked fuel cap off and peered inside. A quarter tank of E15 fuel mixed with 2-cycle oil and some stabilizer. Probably as useful in there as water at this point.
More bombs are coming.
He turned the saw over and dumped the fuel into the grass, making sure there was no appreciable liquid left in the tank.
The rioting and looting starts soon.
Topping up the tank with pre-mixed fuel, he spun the cap back on and pressed the fuel plunger a few times to get the fresh stuff into the bowl of the carburetor.
The saw will draw attention.
Not taking any chances, he unscrewed the air filter housing and removed the filter, setting both aside on the hot concrete. He doused the fuel nozzle in carb cleaner, hoping that by saturating the venturi, the chemicals would work faster.
Even the authorities are going to treat us like the refugees we are. They’ll shuffle us off to camps to starve to death.
Choking the engine, he palmed the starter fluid and gave a yank on the pull handle.
Bum… click
Nope, didn’t even catch. Maybe the carb cleaner is the problem.
He tipped the saw over and watched as cleaner dripped out of the exposed carburetor.
Yep, can’t start a chainsaw when it’s submerged.
He gave a blast of starter fluid and yanked on the handle again.
Brrum, brum, bum, bum, click…. click
The halfhearted attempt at a start was a good sign, but he was pretty sure it was just eating the starting fluid and then dying.
Without adding more starting fluid, he gave another yank.
Brum, bum, bum… click
“Dammit!” Alvin threw his hands up. It could be one of any number of things, but a lack of fuel flow was top on the list.
“Okay, start from the beginning.” He said, reading the rudimentary instructions printed on the side of the saw.
“Set the choke to full. Check.
Prime the carburetor. Check.
Pull handle three times. Check.
Set choke to half… Fuck.”
Alvin, smacking his forehead, reached down to the choke lever and set it to half open. Then, with a pull of the handle, progress announced itself.
Brrrrrmmm, brrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmm, brrrrrmmm, brruum, bum, bum, click.
“Alright, maybe we got something here” he said to nobody in particular. Moving the choke lever to full open, he depressed the trigger slightly and awkwardly yanked the pull handle.
Brrrrrrrrrmmmm, BRRRRRRRRRUUUUMMMMMM, brum, brum, BRRRRRRRUMMMMMMMM
The saw responded to the slight variations in trigger pressure he inputted, sounding off with the sharp rasp characteristic of chainsaws. The chain began to add its contribution to the symphony, slowly advancing despite the clutch being disengaged.
Alvin picked up the saw and pulled the trigger to full throttle.
BRUUUUUUUHUHUHUUUMMMMMM, whomp.
The saw bogged and died before he could catch it.
“Good to know. keep it to half throttle” Alvin muttered, setting the saw back down and preparing to crank the engine yet one more time. Noticing the bar oil jug as his heel grazed it, he decided that it would be worth the effort to empty out the oil reservoir and refill it. He dumped the old hazardous material in a neighbor’s backyard, not bothering to care which one. Moments later, with a full oil reservoir and a substantial amount of bar oil pooling on the ground beneath the saw, he repositioned himself and gave a yank on the pull handle one last time. Once the engine evened out into what could hardly be called a purr, he engaged the clutch and set out to start hacking the tree apart.
He identified a section of the tree to start with, hoping to slowly peel back the layers like an onion before getting to the challenging branches suspending upwards of ten feet in the air. The dynamics of cutting branches under weight weren’t new to him, but he never felt confident that the branch would fall where he wanted it to, and he especially didn’t feel confident that it wouldn’t buck before landing right where he planned. He had a ladder in the backyard that was slightly bent because of just that phenomenon. Adventures in chainsawing were never dull.
The first few branches weren’t too large, a decent start to what portended to be a long project. Alvin tried to keep them to manageable lengths as he piled them into a bundle.
No use in wasting time having to cut them again just to haul them out of here.
After a few moments, he had cut enough branches to make for a full load, and he glanced around for a good place to dump them. The alleyway was tight and there were quite a few fences that adjoined the alleyway very closely. Most fences were blown over, heaved up, or missing sections, but they were still enough of an obstacle that dragging branches past them into somebody’s yard wasn’t an option. Something caught his eye about one of the gaps between houses, though. The fence there only extended partway back towards the alley, and was in particularly bad shape.
If only…
He set the saw down and ran over to the fence, poking his head through where a few boards were missing.
“Yes! I think this’ll work!” He jogged back to the saw and picked it up, revving the engine to half power as he walked back to the fence.
Wood post construction plus large portions of the fence having been blown away plus enough of a gap between houses to fit a car meant that he could probably cut his work from a couple hours to a handful of minutes. He would have to be careful to cut the fence in a way that allowed his distinctly-not-meant-for-offroading sedan to get through, but an extra two minutes of careful was worth shaving two hours of tedious off of the day.
Less than five minutes later, he scrutinized the fresh path created by some efficient chainsaw work. There were a few post stumps to avoid, but the terrain was mostly level and there wasn’t any debris bigger than a few shards of one-by in the way.
After repacking the saw in its case and finding it a better permanent home wedged in between the car seat and the flour, Alvin swung the driver’s door shut and took in a breath. Glancing at the surprisingly fascinated baby in the rear view mirror and then at the encroaching dust clouds quickly obscuring the stratospheric mushroom, he mentally girded his loins.
Time to face the world, or what’s left of it.
He pressed the accelerator slowly, feeling the bump and rumble that indicated their excursion had gone off road. Less than 100 feet later, he was on pavement, pointed toward the exit to the neighborhood. While there was plenty of debris scattered across the road, he could see an open path to the main road, a main road not yet clogged with cars. He saw a pickup truck fly by at what had to be 90 miles per hour, but there was no gridlock, contrary to his expectations. Either everybody else was dead or Alvin was still ahead of the curve.
Day-um…
Mine is Husqvarna.
Mine is, too. There’s a story behind the purchase, but suffice it to say that I wasn’t very choosy at the time. I was just happy that Lowe’s still had one in stock.
I haven’t tried to fire it up in 4 years, so I really hope I don’t end up needing to flee nuclear Armageddon with it. I may just pre-order a new carb before I need to use it again. Probavly save a lot of steps that way.
thanks for the story
I am enjoying it
You are in Texas now, right? Where they have gas made entirely from oil? Dump the gas out of the tank, and fill it with some mid-high octane real gas (no ethanol). Run it for a while, put some Sta-Bil in it and repeat in 2 years. No new carb needed (hopefully).
Another source of good fuel is to buy marine fuel. It is also all oil gasoline.
Was not aware. That’s good to know.
Mine is a Stihl 029 with 18″ bar and 32″ bar. *polishes monocle*
The 32″ has both cross cut and ripping chains. /wannabe lumberjack
This is just the beginning, Great work trashy!
Panic in Year Zero!
He set the saw down and ran over to the fence, poking his head through where a few boards were missing.
“Yes! I think this’ll work!” He jogged back to the saw and picked it up, revving the engine to half power as he walked back to the fence.
Wood post construction plus large portions of the fence having been blown away plus enough of a gap between houses to fit a car meant that he could probably cut his work from a couple hours to a handful of minutes. He would have to be careful to cut the fence in a way that allowed his distinctly-not-meant-for-offroading sedan to get through, but an extra two minutes of careful was worth shaving two hours of tedious off of the day.
I liked this part.
It’s like Glibs has become a Magazine, constantly new content, serials, and Hoopla!
I love this place!
I came for the story. I stayed for the suggestions on cold-starting a chainsaw I haven’t used in a while.
Nicely done.
Stihl always comes through!
Stihl
Nice pull.
Spud, I’m looking for the business address of a friend of yours (ours), recently moved.
latvia2112 at the yahoo
I’d appreciate it, thanks
Isn’t that “Stalin” in Russki?
Stihl (tips hat to Mo’)
Bar oil oil doesn’t go bad in a couple of years. But dumping it out anyways fits with Alvin.
Contamination in the tank from sawdust and chips clogging the screen would be a bigger issue. Always wipe around the oil and gas caps first before opening.
Good stuff trashy, enjoying the serial.
Just got back from the DMV after an appointment to get my Real ID. Not exactly how I wanted to end the week but I figured that a 430 time on Friday might just be not crazy crowded and I was right. I was in and out of there, including my eye test (that I barely passed) and picture in 15 minutes. About to crack beer number 2 while waiting for the wife and kids to get home from soccer practice and the peace to end. Enjoying this album very much, love this Jan Hammer cover they did to perfection.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eexerBbFms
Hey! i love this song! I listen to Kebu’s version, but this is great! Thanks!
more exclamation points!!!!!!!!!
Cheers Yusef. I’ve been on a Miami Vice kick lately so I particularly liked that. They are a great band though. This one is off their first album from a few years back, just excellent instrumental music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W724jRLJSR8
Those are both sweet tunes! We share a love of downtempo instrumental, so thank you for this.
Though the drums keep making think of The Incredible Bongo Band (which is not a bad thing).
Absolutely! You have good musical taste slum. Yup, I would say that the IBB was an influence on them. Also have a great love for that track. Do you know Chris Joss, he’s a French multi instrumentalist that especially does stuff that sounds like bad ass 70’s cop show music? I may have linked his stuff before. Here is a solid one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FjxDJ4DFZM
New to me, and totally sweet!
I makes me feel like power-sliding a tomato-red Grand Torino around the streets of Bay City.
Last year the missus and I were able to renew via the ‘net. No eye test, thank dog, they used the previous picture. Good for 3 more years, may be enough.
Heheh, hope you get to renew a few more times four. Yeah, the last three times I was able to renew by mail and not have to deal with the DMV for over a decade. I debated just saying fuck it and getting the regular driver license and carrying my passport for any domestic flights.
Land Of The Free my ass.
I swore an oath to the Constitution and it’s getting close to the point that , by God, someone is gonna pay.
BIG THUMBS UP!
/Has parents in the 90s.
Plural, even. Happy for you Swissy. Wish them the best. Mine are youngsters in their mid 70s.
May be good enough to get you to the next test, which will be followed in 4 years by the next test…
Heh. I admit I see better now thanks to Sacto. “Blow into this? Um, the judge recommended I get one.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdEGrgPEvUE
Err, that wasn’t it. Oh well.
Georgia does a cool thing for veterans. They set my drivers license expiration date out 35 years.
No need to renew nor pay some fee.
Stihl chain saw, pole saw and brush saw. Did I mention I like Stihl products?
Me too. My wife has two saws. I only have one (plus several other Stihl OPE). I need to even that up.
I’m also on Team Stihl. Buy once, cry once.
Been looking to move to Florida, bit it’s come to my attention there’s progs in most the major cities as well. Same with Texas.
What’s a freedom fighter to do? Where can I go and have a modicum of certainty it won’t be just as crappy as here? Need help, thanks. Big concerns are mask mandates for schools and vaccine mandates.
I think you answered your own question.
Iowa
Indiana would welcome you.
Either of the Dakotas.
I’ll take lakes of North Dakota, Alex, for $200
I’ll take Socialist Attorneys General, Governors, Representatives, and Senators from Minnesota for $500 Alex.
Live in suburbs outside those cities.
Big difference between states run by commie democrats and states run by republicans with some cities run by a
Few democrats.
That’s the best I could figure. Except the schools appear to be by county, which can make that more tricky. maybe Florida counties are just small, it may sound silly but I was hoping to keep my commute below 30 minutes. Obviously a small price to pay, but there it is.
I’m guessing that a country voting for Trump may be a good surrogate, but I had seen some likely rural counties in the panhandle have instituted mask mandates in school as well.
Example Sarasota county went 54-44 to Trump, but has a mask mandate in schools.
Great story, Trashy. Recently had a rotten aspen (they’re all rotten, sooner or later, could be called the Politician Tree) fall across the driveway to the cabin. Had to get it cleared because company was coming. Fortunately my bee partner (and lurker Glib) showed up and cleared the trail.
Now I have a small pile of camp fire wood, but seems no one will even steal it. Most deplorables won’t take something, even if it’s an easy and safe seal.
seal, steal, all look the same
Today I learned that “smart TVs” are a lot “smarter” than they were 9 or 10 years ago.
I still haven’t figured out how to stop the microphone that I didn’t ask for in the remote from phoning home to #@$# Google I didn’t sign up for.
Try a hammer, they work well,
Also,
1. Identify the microphone hole
2. put a drop of your favorite glue over the hole, Elmer’s works well,
3. add a bit of tape as needed
Your voice will be muffled enough Google can’t recognize it,
I found the hole.
Actually, I was thinking of different measures. Like, don’t connect to the internet. I don’t stream anything so WTF do I need that for.
This is the way.
OTOH I might want to “cut the cord” and move to some streaming thing like Fubo.
TV is hard!
We cut the cord and couldn’t be happier. After many decades of changing channels with the click of a button, it does take a change of expectations. But, there is so much out there. Much of it for free. And any must-see-TV shows can usually be gotten for nominal extra cost, if not free.
Pihole. If you can find the domain name the call home uses, you can block it for the cost of a raspberry pi board and an hour or two of config.
I found something on mine today that I’d never seen before. The Samsung Extender Cable. It must have came in the box and I plugged it in. Just can’t remember doing it. TV is about 4 years old.
I took it off and TV works the same so I wrapped it up and stuck it in a drawer.
Dont connect to internet or set up a home router with kick off capability. you block your tv from accessing the internet unless you want grant it access rights.
The commie spy companies have caught on and force a quick “update” when you finally do access the internet.
Hawt.
Really digging this story, Trahsy. Well done.
Well, this is a good reminder that things could be worse. I’ll take the current nightmare over the fictional one. Still a lot to be thankful for.
Just wait, the reality is worse than the Tale,
Great story Trashy! And thanks for the reminder to service the rarely used chainsaw. Poor thing is probably an antique by now.
On my way home from work I finished listening to this. Mind. Blown.
I have a near-antique Stihl 041AV (with 24″ bar) that was in decent shape and running, then I lent it to a cousin. It didnt come home in the same shape.
I need a new project, anyhow.
suh’ fam
whats goody yo
I slept like shit.
I just got home. Walked in, and the Palatial 2X-Wide welcomed me with the savory odor of the brisket I put in last night when I left. Beguiling and seductive, the olfactory siren’s song beckons me. Now I wish I’d made some greens.
Mmmm morning meat.
Phrasing?
Well, Jugsy IS home. Until tomorrow.
Good morning, homey, rhy, Tulip, Chippy, Ted’S, Teh Hype, NA, l0, and robo!
A lovely morning here at Tranquility Base, if a bit cool. Treasuring these remaining autumn weekend mornings until it’s just too chilly to be out here!
Good morning. Looking for OMWC’s shakshuka recipe. How does one search the archive?
Click on each of the Archive links above and then use the search box in the top right.
Excellent. Thank you. I was missing the archive link part.
https://www.glibertarians2017.link/2017/09/12/jewsday-tuesday-shakshuka-rattle-and-roll/
Our local pizza-pie parlor makes the best vodka sauce I’ve ever tasted, just packed with prosciutto, for their calamari ala vodka. We order it with the sauce so we can put it to different purposes. One of those purposes is to pour some into a small skillet and poach eggs in it. Yummy.
I bought some Kroger jarred shakshuka on impulse. I wonder how it would pair with brisket.
LOL so good I’ll quote it again:
So he’s got guns and a chainsaw. The nuclear zombie hordes should be arriving shortly.
Good morning everyone. I’ve just watched the first couple episodes of the new season of Tacoma FD and they are wonderful. I’m anxious for Monday’s delivery of a factory rebuilt rear differential for my wee Nissan trucklet. A week without wheels was woefully wounding.
Is a trucklet anything like a washlet?
I still haven’t found time to watch the 2nd half of last season.
I’ve only watched episode one of the new season and it was solid. Great show.
How did you get to work?
So…. Do we know if these are two air burst or ground burst?
Love the series
I don’t want to go to work. It’s Saturday, dammit.
*grumble, grumble, leaves for work*