Joemala: Episode 45

by | Oct 13, 2021 | Joemala | 243 comments

 

“I am being made fun of!” Kamala screamed into the phone. “No one makes fun of me! NO ONE!”

Astrid stepped off the elevator and walked into the Vice President’s intern pen with her slicked-back hair and power bitch heels and commanded the room.

“Your hair is fabulous!’ Seresto said.

“So fabulous,” Kaylieburrow agreed.

“And those shoes!” Seresto said.

“Such great shoes.”

Astrid took off her jacket and draped it casually across her desk. Her tight shirt and fitted slacks cut a sharp silhouette.

“O-M-G!” Seresto squealed.

Kaylieburrow finally looked up from her phone. “I can see your nipples,” she said.

“October 13th is ‘No Bra for Breast Cancer Awareness Day,’” Astrid said, looking at them both with smug pity.

“No, it isn’t,” Seresto said. “Some gross guys just made it up as a prank.”

“And yet,” Astrid said, turning to profile and presenting her breasts to the office.

Kaylieburrow pulled her arms into her shirt and began struggling to take her bra off.

“ASTROLABE!” Kamala screamed.

“Our master’s voice,” Astrid sighed and walked toward the office.

“I’m 1/32nd Black on my step-father’s side, you know,” Seresto said, glaring.

“Oh, I know…” she said as she closed the office door behind her.

*****

“This video,” Kamala sputtered, “With the kids.”

“Yes,” Astrid said calmly.

“People,” Kamala continued, “Making fun.”

“Ma’am, you used paid actors to play the kids. I warned you that would come out eventually.”

“The real kids were so ugly and fat,” Kamala said. “Have children always been this ugly and fat?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Astrid said.

“And their line readings,” Kamala said, grimacing at the intern pen.

“If we had hired seasoned child actors, people might out have found out they were actors, ma’am.”

“They found out anyway!”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“And that idiot from the Naval Observatory!” Kamala yelled.

Astrid sighed and sat down, “He came highly recommended.”

“HE SAID THE SUN GOES AROUND THE EARTH!”

“Jen is going to take care of that, ma’am. And anyone that says the Earth goes around the sun, well, we will just torch them on Twitter.”

“And that script. You know it looks like I just abandoned those kids at the Naval Observatory.”

“Most of them made it home safe, ma’am.”

“Most of them?”

“Well, not the little blonde girl, but they go missing all the time.”

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

243 Comments

  1. Swiss Servator

    It must be getting harder to stay ahead of the parody/reality line…

    • Bobarian LMD

      There is no line. As The Onion and The Bee have pointed out, there are only accurate predictions of what the future will bring.

  2. juris imprudent

    Ha, even SF can’t make fun of the reality of Sinking Ship Productions!

  3. The Late P Brooks

    “Well, not the little blonde girl, but they go missing all the time.”

    Does Joe have an alibi?

    • Tonio

      That was the best line among many.

      • CPRM

        That’s the only reason the video was made. Kamala showed up to bitch about the kids and someone pulled her aside.

      • CPRM

        Meant as a reply to your next comment.

      • R C Dean

        My pick was:

        “I’m 1/32nd Black on my step-father’s side, you know,” Seresto said, glaring.

        Genius.

      • Necron 99

        Yep, I’ll be stealing that line.

  4. Tonio

    To add to the irony, the official residence of the VPOTUS is on the grounds of the Naval Observatory in DC.

  5. Ed Wuncler

    “Well, not the little blonde girl, but they go missing all the time.”

    Lol

    I finally got a chance to watch that video and it’s lays out in clear view that this woman shouldn’t be anywhere near power.

    • db

      I don’t think I’m going to watch it. I don’t think I’ll learn anything new.

      • Tonio

        Watch it for the lulz, bro.

      • Ed Wuncler

        +1

      • db

        Honestly, I don’t really like watching people embarrass themselves. It’s not pleasurable for me.

      • Not Adahn

        That’s why I couldn’t watch BBT or Frasier.

      • Ozymandias

        Same. I can’t watch reality TV or other shows where the pleasure involves watching people beclown themselves.
        I cringe inside for them – I take on the embarrassment and shame they lack.

      • Mojeaux

        Same, but I also cringe for the people in “fail” videos, candid camera, and America’s Funniest Videos. Those people may or may not have asked to be video’d, but you never know which ones signed the waiver to allow them to be put on TV or internet.

        I just don’tlike pranks, period.

      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        I am with DB here. Can not do cringe. I don’t find it funny.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Or anywhere near children.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    It really ought to be “Listing Heavily to Port” Productions.

    • Rebel Scum

      Going Down by the Head?

  7. db

    Inspired by the previous thread:

    “Munt and Shenis” sounds like an Australian daily newspaper comic from the 1920s.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Much like “Gary” and the “Minge”, they do speak with a down-under accent.

  8. Yusef drives a Kia

    “Well, not the little blonde girl, but they go missing all the time.”
    Perfection, SF!

  9. Sean

    “I’m 1/32nd Black on my step-father’s side, you know,” Seresto said, glaring.

    Gold.

      • Sean

        *Narrows gaze*

      • Surly Knott

        LOL

    • db

      I didn’t catch the “step-father” part until now. That’s excellence in writing.

      • Surly Knott

        Likewise. Brilliant bit.

  10. Rebel Scum

    “Well, not the little blonde girl, but they go missing all the time.”

    Has anyone seen Joe lately?

  11. Mustang

    I’m not watching the video…did someone really say the sun goes around the earth?

    How are we losing to these people?

    • Swiss Servator

      Um…no. This IS fiction, dontchaknow.

      • Mustang

        The real description of the actual video seems so ridiculous that it’s hard to tell what part of this is fiction. I assume the names are.

      • Animal

        Is it, though?

    • Ownbestenemy

      Yes…yes he did. Not the apparent motion, not as the Earth rotates and the sun appears to race across the sky…that “think of the sun going around the Earth”.

      • Gadfly

        OK, so this made me watch the video, and yes, you heard correctly. Timestamp 5:50 for anyone else who wants to hear for themselves. Surely it was just awkward phrasing, but who doesn’t catch that and either edit or do reshoots? Or, hell, just ADR that part – everyone’s wearing masks, no one will be able to tell. They were already using obvious child actors, so it’s not like they were going for authenticity.

      • Ted S.

        Fuck you, comrade Biden, I’m in the west now.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    “And yet,” Astrid said, turning to profile and presenting her breasts to the office.

    Ooh, pick me! Pick me!

  13. Ozymandias

    “Have children always been this ugly and fat?”

    I was cracking up throughout. Nicely done.
    Nice to see Astrid still has work, too…

  14. waffles

    “I wanted to be a lawyer”
    *Kamala and children laugh*
    *laughter continues until only Kamala is laughing*

  15. Not Adahn

    So, um, do you have Astrid’s number? Asking for a friend.

      • Ownbestenemy

        In a pinch, drunk and stopped caring about life…would.

      • waffles

        Maybe that’s the wrong Astrid. This is all 100% nonfiction, presumably.

      • Not Adahn

        Junior at the College of William and Mary double-majoring in History and Hispanic Studies with a concentration in Government/American Politics.

        You’re good at this.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    Whatever you do, don’t mention the gas prices

    The shifts among Biden’s base have been stark.

    A Pew Research Center poll found that from July to September, Biden’s approval rating fell by 18 points among Black voters, 16 points among Hispanics and 12 points among women. He won all three groups by lopsided margins last year. Among voters who identify as Democrats or lean Democratic, his approval fell by 13 points, to 75 percent.

    Among independents, another key group that powered him into the White House, Biden’s approval fell from 54 percent to 42 percent over the summer.

    But the same poll found 2-to-1 national support for the two pillars of Biden’s agenda: the $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill and the $3.5 trillion package of economic and social programs.

    Who doesn’t want a free lunch? Shit sandwiches for everybody!

  17. Ownbestenemy

    Oh god..okay I bit the bullet and watched it. He really did say “the sun going around the Earth”…on something that is supposed to inspire curiosity about science and space.

    Fuck I hate those kids more than her.

    • Ozymandias

      Fuck I hate those kids actors more than her.

      FTFY

      • Ownbestenemy

        What is amazing is that could fit every person in that video, we are living West Wing Live from DC! Except for the spaceman…he is probably the only one that is truly excited.

      • Ozymandias

        He’s been in space for a while. He’s just happy to have human contact that doesn’t consist of the farts of his fellow crew drifting around in the recirced air.

      • pistoffnick

        We call that crop dusting here at work. You walk briskly past your intended target while slowly, silently releasing a putrid cloud

    • Ted S.

      I’m reminded of Richard Feynman’s thoughts on being a member of the textbook selection committee.

  18. JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

    Skimming through the video I noticed there’s something called a Master Clock and there are portraits of old white guys who probably owned slaves. So triggering. At least they were able to get a gender ambiguous Asian kid in the video.

  19. Not Adahn

    Is it just me, but does Kayleighburrow seem a little too passive as Astrid takes control of the clique?

    I wonder how Astrid is going to be murdered.

    • Ozymandias

      Today’s assistant to the VP could be tomorrow’s crossover lamppost decoration…!

  20. kinnath

    Seen on FB: Breaking News: Jon Gruden identifies as Hunter Biden so the press will ignore his emails.

    • juris imprudent

      How did the Bee not come up with that first?

  21. Ozymandias

    Injunction granted by federal judge in NY yesterday.
    TRO granted by fed’l court against UAL today.
    And it’s ALL OVER THE NEWS!!! (No, it’s not).

    • Ownbestenemy

      Heard about that. I just attested that I am unclean and will remain on religious grounds. Noticed they are using the authority of OSHA for federal workers as their legal standing on magically being able to request medical information that doesn’t pertain to a reasonable accommodation request.

      • Ozymandias

        It’s bizarre because the courts are (so far) granting the suits that are religious accommodation-focused, while denying the ones based on natural immunity.
        Yes, yes, totally logical and scien-tastic we are in the courts!
        “Protected because of your unprovable beliefs about the Universe; not protected by demonstrable prior infection of that same virus.”
        #IFLS

      • Ownbestenemy

        Yep. They won’t even touch the question about prior infection and acquired/gained/natural immunity it seems. Even though all the Scandanavian countries recognize it. I believe the WHO, NIH and 30 studies recognize it. Almost like…the courts are purposefully ignoring that.

      • Not Adahn

        Is that a larger-than-your-cat dildo on the table?

      • Ozymandias

        Sir! You go too far!!
        That is a french bulldog…enjoying some inhalants, from what I can tell.

      • Not Adahn

        Ah. The avatars are pretty tiny on this screen.

      • Ownbestenemy

        FAA senior management is tipping their hand that they know operational impacts will start occuring. The proposed ‘corrective action’ will be a 14-day suspension on Nov 23rd if non-compliant and don’t have a RA in place. They said “be patient because we have a lot of requests to work through”

        Oh lord: Some information regarding this past weekend events in the Air Traffic world:

        Some controller submitted a flight plan that went out to airlines, operations centers, etc that was basically a Let’s Go Brandon message.
        FAA internally is sticking with “large military exercise” and a “system of weather that moved through the area” as why ONLY SWA was affected.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I seriously have a problem with misthreading my posts.

      • Sean

        LOL @ your threading skills.

      • db

        I’d love to see that routing

      • juris imprudent

        Yeah, the same court system that treats a dog-nose as probable cause. Hoping Satan is fucking Scalia’s ass over that.

      • Gadfly

        From an outsider’s perspective that makes sense. The courts aren’t really equipped to judge questions of science (although I guess they should be, since questions of fact are rather important in cases) and would probably punt that as a “political question” that should be handled by the other branches. But religious protections are right there in plain language in the constitution and established law, so that’s within their bailiwick.

  22. Not Adahn

    Gaaaa!

    Affinity groups!

    Guess which ones are set up for which race:

    A.S.I.A
    Unidos
    BRAG

    • Ted S.

      The first one was set up in the heat of the moment.

      • tripacer

        Only time will tell

  23. Fourscore

    “her slicked-back hair”

    I missed the hyphen on the first read…

    • Not Adahn

      And you were wondering how they saw it since she had a jacket on?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Maybe her jacket was made of this material?

      • R.J.

        Whyyyyyy? I suppose it is my fault for clicking the link.

  24. Nephilium

    Well, in more shite news. The girlfriend’s friend’s body was found.

    • Mojeaux

      Wait, what?!

    • Ownbestenemy

      That sucks.

    • waffles

      Oh no, when did she go missing?

      • Nephilium

        The friend was last seen at home “Friday night at midnight” (my guess is they mean Saturday morning), left home (where she lived with her parents to help take care of them) with computer, no keys, no car, no phone, no note left, no calls to anyone, no (known) significant other. I don’t have any details about the cause of death (just my educated guess at this point)..

      • Ted S.

        So another covid death.

        Seriously, sorry for your girlfriend.

    • Surly Knott

      I’m so sorry.

    • Sean

      My condolences.

    • Ghostpatzer

      Sorry, condolences to you and the GF.

    • CPRM

      Let GF know, this is a good place to vent if she needs to.

      • Nephilium

        Yep. Going to do my best to try to be supportive. No idea if there’s plans for any service at this point yet or not.

    • Tundra

      Sorry. Lots of despair in this world. I hope she’s at peace now.

    • Sensei

      So sorry to read.

    • wdalasio

      Cripes! I’m sorry.

    • Zwak, sensual panzer

      Sorry to hear that Nef. Best thoughts to the family.

    • Lady Z

      So sorry Neph.

    • Mojeaux

      I’m so sorry.

    • Animal

      Sorry to hear that, Neph. Let us know if there’s anything we can do.

    • db

      Oh, damnit. I’m so sorry.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    Pay no attention to the man behind the veil of ignorance

    Gasoline prices rose another 1.2% for the month, bringing the annual increase to 42.1%. Fuel oil shot up 3.9%, for a 42.6% year over year surge.

    Food prices also showed notable gains for the month, with food at home rising 1.2%. Meat prices rose 3.3% just in September and increased 12.6% year over year.

    “Food and energy are more variable, but that’s where the problem is,” said Bob Doll, chief investment officer at Crossmark Global Investments. “Hopefully, we start solving our supply shortage problem. But when the dust settles, inflation is not going back to zero to 2 [percent] where it was for the last decade.”

    It’s all part of the plan.

    • Fourscore

      BTUs tend to track each other. If oil goes up, electricity goes up, wood prices go up. Biden’s decisions are contemptible. Until the green philosophy is reversed all prices prices/shortages will be incurred. There are some benefits to being old.

    • Drake

      I give a prayer of praise to Joe Biden every time I fill my gas tank.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Does it sound a lot like “Let’s go Brandon?”

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        As do I. Well I say God and Jesus Christ a lot at any rate.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        *winces while thinking about looking up the credit card balance on our gas card after this road trip*

    • Ghostpatzer

      And they forgot to adjust the basket of goods used to calculate inflation. I’m sure they’ll correct that for the next cycle.

      • Bobarian LMD

        At this point, it’s just an empty basket.

    • Zwak, sensual panzer

      All jokes aside, I think for some on the left, hard proggies especially, this is the plan. They are so firmly in the thrall of the Climate Doom Cult that they really think that they are doing good here. This is their version of the Nudge.

      They have convinced themselves, mostly due to academia teaching them of this, that they can use solar to heat the planet, live off of vegetarianism, and that carbon-neutral will work in the short run. It isn’t that they believe that electricity comes out of the wall, it’s that they think we don’t need nearly as much of it, and that icky people are holding back progress for money.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Also held back by bitter clingers to outdated ideas.

  26. The Late P Brooks

    the courts are (so far) granting the suits that are religious accommodation-focused, while denying the ones based on natural immunity.

    Not that surprising, since this whole thing has been religion masquerading as SCIENCE! all along.

  27. Ownbestenemy

    Regarding supply chains…I find this to be the biggest hand-to-forehead statement I have read in a while.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Grrr.

      A White House official cautioned, however, there was only so much they could do to solve the problem.

      You can’t flip a light switch in this very complicated supply chain and have it change overnight, but we’re already seeing signs of it,” the official told reporters in a briefing call

      • Ozymandias

        For purposes of being TOP.MEN. and passing legislation, it’s a light switch;
        For purposes of responsibility when it’s fucked-up, it is NOT a light switch… it’s an incredibly complex system and — SHUTUP, RACIST!!

      • Fourscore

        I need an electric smart car that runs on rechargeable AA batteries. Electricity is ubiquitous and I only need an extension cord and a light switch.

      • Rebel Scum

        Get out of the way…

      • Bobarian LMD

        It was a pretty easy switch to flip when your boss decided to shut-off the Canadian pipeline and to limit further gas exploration on federal lands.

      • Lady Z

        I work in supply chain and started dealing with issues at the ports around 6-8 months ago. This is not a new problem and all the dominos have already fallen.

      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        If all the dominoes have fallen, are we through the worst of it? Or, are there still dominoes to fall?

      • Mojeaux

        Still more to go, but less obvious because the MSM won’t report it and/or people won’t think it’s important.

        Couldn’t get embroidery thread in certain colors because the factory in France was shut down. It’ll be stuff like that.

      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        I have had little problem getting international shipments in. Airgun spares from the UK and specialized wiring from China. Both on time and cheap. Now I am waiting on some things from The Czech republic.

      • Tundra

        No one would build that stuff to order. You got lucky on low volume, inventoried product. We’ll see in a year.

      • Lady Z

        I think there’s a long road ahead. What’s going to happen next assuming the container ship backup is cleared? A bunch of containers are going to sit at the port waiting for non-existent truckers to pick them up, because we have a massive long haul trucker shortage. Then, let’s say we manage to get containers of raw materials to the domestic manufacturers who ordered them. Even with plentiful supply they won’t be able to step up production, because they are operating with maybe 60% of the labor force they need during “normal” times. It’s definitely going to take a while to catch up and put humpty dumpty back together again.

        Or maybe I’m just extremely cynical after dealing directly with this crap every single day for a year and a half.

      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        That’s kinda what I thought. Basically rebuilding everything from, not quite scratch, but close enough.

        Man, these idiots really don’t know a fucking thing.

      • Lady Z

        Pretty much. Honestly I’m surprised it hasn’t hit the average consumer harder by now. Seeing what’s happened to the supply chain after just one year of massive government interference really makes me wonder just how amazing our economy would be it were left alone to do its thing.

      • Tundra

        Nah, I’ve spent the last six months trying to get materials and having a bitch of a time. All for stuff that is produced domestically.

        What people forget is that the reason that there wasn’t an immediate problem is that most of the stuff was already in the pipeline. Over the last 8 months, the inputs have been so thoroughly fucked (labor, shipping, weather, energy, government) that we have what we have. A mess.

        I don’t think you are cynical enough.

      • Sean

        I don’t think you are cynical enough.

        +1

      • Lady Z

        Thanks guys – no sarc intended. It’s kind of refreshing to have my cynicism validated every now and then.

      • R C Dean

        there was only so much they could do to solve the problem

        Not to be confused with their nearly unlimited capacity to cause the problem.

  28. The Late P Brooks

    Out of the Presidential magic hat

    The Port of Los Angeles will begin operating around the clock as the White House pushes to clear supply chain bottlenecks threatening the holiday shopping season and slowing the country’s economic recovery from the global pandemic, senior Biden administration officials said.

    Similar steps have already been taken in recent weeks at the Port of Long Beach. Together the two sprawling facilities are responsible for nearly half of all imports into the United States, making them a key part of logistical networks strained by the coronavirus crisis.

    The administration officials said the plan, which is scheduled to be announced Wednesday by President Biden, was brokered by the White House as part of an effort to untangle supply chain problems that are making it harder for Americans to get electronics, cars, lumber and other consumer goods that rely on overseas manufacturing.

    PRESTO!

    • rhywun

      Joe saves Christmas!

      *swoon*

    • Plisade

      Wait, the plan is to work around the clock? I’m surprised they weren’t already, but wow, the port needs the white house’s involvement to pull that trigger?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Probably needed to relax the various mandates enough to allow the businesses to operate.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I am sure the longshoreman and their union had no hand in why there is a slowdown…

      • one true athena

        Someone just added the ILWU to the christmas list in the Overspending Bill!

        But are they relaxing all the truck driver over-sight standards? Or noise standards for the railroad to get the containers out of port? I bet no, so this will do very little.

    • invisible finger

      Sounds like the CCP made another large payment to the DNC

      • Bobarian LMD

        I believe they have been investing their money into works of art, lately.

      • rhywun

        Next thing you know, we’ll find out that Hunter used to own a bunch of empty condos on Central Park South.

    • R C Dean

      the White House pushes to clear supply chain bottlenecks

      What, exactly, is the White House doing?

      Because issuing press releases doesn’t matter to the supply chain, at all.

      • rhywun

        Joe is running ragged keeping all of the pieces of the economy spinning at once just for us – show some appreciation for his hard work.

      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        Vaccine mantes. ‘Cause that always brings the boys to the yard.

      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        Mandates, forgot the DUH! in the middle.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Liked it better the first time, it brought to mind giant syringes floating lazily in the shallows and munching vegetation.

  29. Tundra

    “Well, not the little blonde girl, but they go missing all the time.”

    The art of the close.

    I think we’re moving into ‘genius’ territory here.

    Kudos, SF!

  30. Ownbestenemy

    Okay..now in the right place:

    FAA senior management is tipping their hand that they know operational impacts will start occuring. The proposed ‘corrective action’ will be a 14-day suspension on Nov 23rd if non-compliant and don’t have a RA in place. They said “be patient because we have a lot of requests to work through”

    Oh lord: Some information regarding this past weekend events in the Air Traffic world:

    Some controller submitted a flight plan that went out to airlines, operations centers, etc that was basically a Let’s Go Brandon message.
    FAA internally is sticking with “large military exercise” and a “system of weather that moved through the area” as why ONLY SWA was affected.

    • Ozymandias

      In a just world, the crew that managed to draw the penis on ATC screens would have gotten an air medal, rather than being sacked. (Get it – sacked?! As in…)
      *Wanders off mumbling*

      • Ghostpatzer

        I know, it took balls to do that.

      • Mojeaux

        Taint easy to make a good joke around here.

      • juris imprudent

        Timing is everything, you can’t just limp in late.

      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        Ehhh… That was really soft. Be Better.

      • Plisade

        Your joke sounds more like a pun.

      • Tundra

        Swiss will be by shortly to glans askance I’m sure.

      • Plisade

        Maybe even a Piercing Gaze, this time.

      • Ownbestenemy

        There is a vas deferens between a quality pun and a bad joke.

      • Sean

        Sometimes, I think he’s too hard on these comments.

      • Mojeaux

        OBE wins the internet.

      • Ownbestenemy

        They love me, they really, really love me!

      • Rebel Scum

        Sometimes you get shafted.

      • Sean

        I like the ring of that.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Got to reach around to grab a good one.

      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        What a cock up.

    • Not Adahn

      SWA is OPFOR?

    • db

      I want to see what that flight plan routing was!

  31. CPRM

    New batch of super hot chilis arrived from Sean. Thanks much. now, before I go to bed to eat some of the chili I made with the last batch of Ghost Peppers.

    • Sean

      🙂

      Watch those chocolates…the heat sneaks up on ya.

  32. Not Adahn

    Got a text from UPS saying that they’re delivering a package containing about sixteen and a half pounds of lead today. Woot!

    • Sean

      I may have an order pending with Brownells…

      • db

        I may have a package from Lake Barrington, IL headed to a local FFL…

    • The coolest vaccine-free BEAM in the world™

      TBF, that’s only one round of 75mm.

  33. Not Adahn

    So…

    Diamond has not shown up for her interview.

    • Sean

      I guess she won’t make the cut.

      • Tundra

        So many facets to the hiring process.

      • Not Adahn

        A shame. We need more strippers working here.

      • Sean

        I hope your next applicant is a gem.

      • blackjack

        She’s named after a skiing course. She’s cold as ice, difficult to navigate and you’ll really regret it if you don’t know what you’re doing.

      • Ted S.

        She’s cold as ice,

        She’s willing to sacrifice your love?

    • Plisade

      Somewhere nearby, a DJ can be heard shouting, “OK guys, let’s give it up for Diiiiaaamooooond!”

    • SugarFree

      Did she cut Pearl loose after Prince died?

      • Not Adahn

        Last name Sales. I am not making this up.

      • Ozymandias

        So…. former Amway distributor?

      • kinnath

        Shaklee

      • rhywun

        Shakeweight?

      • The coolest vaccine-free BEAM in the world™

        IRL, first name’s “Soupy.”

    • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

      You tried the carat, maybe she needs the stick.

      • Plisade

        You’re really setting us up for a re-buff.

      • juris imprudent

        Sounds like her imperfections have been exposed.

    • banginglc1

      I guess she gave you clarity in your decision not to hire her.

  34. kinnath

    https://www.reuters.com/technology/exclusive-facebook-change-rules-attacking-public-figures-its-platforms-2021-10-13/

    Oct 13 (Reuters) – Facebook Inc(FB.O) will now count activists and journalists as “involuntary” public figures and so increase protections against harassment and bullying targeted at these groups, its global safety chief said in an interview this week.

    The social media company, which allows more critical commentary of public figures than of private individuals, is changing its approach on the harassment of journalists and “human rights defenders,” who it says are in the public eye due to their work rather than their public personas.

    • Plisade

      “are in the public eye due to their work rather than their public personas.”

      Oh, that’s rich.

      -1 Hunter S. Thompson

      • kinnath

        “human rights defenders,”

        Clearly, they want to protect the Proud Boys from online harassment.

      • Ownbestenemy

        And any pro-life groups/persons…I am sure they will direct their resources in an equal manner.

      • EvilSheldon

        I giggle uncontrollably at the idea of Hunter S. Thompson wanting, needing, or accepting ‘protection’…

      • Tundra
      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        Oh, I can see him wanting, needing, and accepting protection. In the form of a .44mag.

    • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

      But they can still go after high school kids, right?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Only ones with smirks

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      They get to harass and instigate while those who call them on it will get kicked off of the platform. Zuckerborg is such a shithead.

  35. Sensei

    So it would seem everyone here was a cop.

    Meanwhile all over the city people are getting robbed and assaulted.

    NYC CRIME NEW YORK Sting catches pair of NYPD cops driving ‘prostitutes’ to hotels in exchange for big bucks

    A pair of highly-regarded Queens cops were busted in an NYPD sting after escorting supposed high-end hookers to meet with clients in return for thousands of dollars in cash payoffs, newly released police disciplinary records reveal.

    Officers Thomas Diorio and Michael Sardone, both of the 106th Precinct in Ozone Park, were exposed this spring when it turned out the working girls were actually NYPD undercover officers posing as prostitutes, authorities said.

    During one of three excursions cited in the documents, the two cops were convinced to come up to a hotel room to lean on a “john” — actually another undercover officer — who didn’t want to pay the full amount for sex.

    • juris imprudent

      From The Usual Suspects? New York’s finest cab service.

    • R C Dean

      Buried lede: There are NY cops good looking enough to pose as high-end call girls?

      So some cops drove some other cops around, and threatened yet another cop.

      I wonder if they will be charged with whatever the enhanced charge is for threatening one the King’s Men.

      • Tres Cool

        I bet “human trafficking” wont enter the record.

  36. Sensei

    Interesting article on insurance telemetric applications. Personal Auto writers have been “introducing” this product for two decades. It would seem that the current social media generation is willing to embrace Big Brother much more than earlier generations. I’ve definitely been reading more and more about it in mainstream news instead of industry just publications.

    What You’re Giving Up When You Let Your Car Insurer Track You In Exchange for Discounts

    The table towards the end is rather interesting. It shows what insurers monitor what. To use these rating variables insurers have to demonstrate that they are predictive about risk as well as not running them afoul of a bunch of concerns about discriminatory practices.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Yeah about that, fuck you, no…

    • Tundra

      Thanks! I just switched insurance and my guy knows to not even ask. He did say that the push is on and that he wouldn’t be surprised if they make it mandatory eventually.

      I’ll pay the extra premium, thanks.

      • R C Dean

        If it becomes truly mandatory, then I’m guessing someone will come up with a gadget you can plug into at home that makes it look like you never left the house. Probably need to put in the car once a week, say, for when you drive to church and the grocery store.

        I don’t know anything about them. What do they plug into on your car?

      • EvilSheldon

        Nothing. It’s usually a phone app.

      • db

        Nope. There are a very small number of apps that go on my phone. No way would that make the cut.

      • Sensei

        Just your phone for some. Others use the ODB port.

    • Timeloose

      I would take my one car and park it in front of the adjusters house every day when he or she went to work then take an Uber for the rest of the day during the trial period.

      Right after a stop at the sex shop, liquor store, and the drug store.

      Alternatively, the day before the assessment is over. Make stops at the gun store, hardware store, adjustors house, and a then a remote wooded area.

    • Animal

      Our insurance company hasn’t said squat about this. But boy howdy, moving from the Denver metro area to rural Alaska cut our auto insurance by something like 2/3.

    • Sean

      Ironically, I got an email today that my car is going to stop monitoring me.

      Dear Sean,
      We’re reaching out today to inform you of an upcoming change to VW Car-Net services. AT&T, the wireless telecommunication network associated with VW Car-Net services has informed us of its decision to discontinue 3G wireless service in the U.S. starting February 22nd, 2022 as part of its network technology upgrade cycle.
      This means that your 2018 VolkswagenGTI GP AUTOBAHN AUTOMATIC will no longer be able to transmit or receive data. If you have an active VW Car-Net Security & Service subscription, it will not extend past January 31, 2022.

      The service was thoroughly meh. I wasn’t going to pay for it outside the free 6 months they give you.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Is it even out of VW’s extended warranty period? 4-5 years isn’t that long for a car. Hey, let’s do the same thing for the rest of the components!

      • Sean

        It came with a 6yr/72k bumper to bumper warranty. It was a big plus when buying, and I’ve got almost 3 years left.

        I’m assuming there will be some sort of class action suit. (I’ve been wrong before)

      • Ted S.

        Enjoy the coupons!

  37. Ozymandias

    https://www.foxnews.com/politics/federal-judge-demands-doj-civil-rights-probe-jan-6-detainees-dc-jail

    Well, at least one judge thinks the Jan 6 folks aren’t getting treated the way they should.

    A federal judge has found the warden of a D.C. jail and the director of the D.C. Department of Corrections in contempt of court Wednesday and called for an investigation by the Department of Justice to determine whether the jail has violated the civil rights of Jan. 6 defendants.

    “For the reasons stated in open court, it is adjudged that the Warden of the D.C. jail Wanda Patten and Director of the D.C. Department of Corrections Quincy Booth are in civil contempt of court,” U.S. District Judge Royce C. Lamberth of Washington ruled Wednesday. “The Clerk of the Court is ordered to transmit a copy of this order to the Attorney General of the United States for appropriate inquiry into potential civil rights violations of Jan. 6 defendants, as exemplified in this case.”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      And if the jail is doing it at the direction of the DOJ?

    • Sensei

      He must not be part of the cocktail circuit.

    • Tres Cool

      This guy is about to have some dirt on the Clintons.

    • The Other Kevin

      I’m sure the current Attorney General of the United States will get right on that inquiry.

      • Ownbestenemy

        He will, but not for the defendants. He will inquire about the judge. I fully expect “federal judge that raised rights objections found with 6 billion hours of kiddie porn”

    • Gustave Lytton

      Siding with insurrectionists is grounds for impeachment, at the least.

  38. hayeksplosives

    The packers are here swarming over the house. The kitty cat took a fear dump in the guest bedroom so I got to clean that up. Then I sent cat and hubby to the hotel where we’ll be staying through Saturday before the drive to Nevada.

    I am now stuck with no car while the packers do their thing.

    Sigh. I could use just a teensy glass of wine…

    • R C Dean

      I’ll be driving to Pahrump from Tucson on Sunday. Which means my final approach is from Vegas, so I doubt we’ll, err, run into each other on the road.

    • Ted S.

      CPRM is jealous that you get to meet the packers.

      • Tres Cool

        Roses are red
        Violets are blue
        Green Bay packs fudge
        And Cheeseheads do too

      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        Green Bay AND Cheeseheads? That would be a double negative, so you are praising the Packers!

  39. Tres Cool

    I’m still reeling and nearly catatonic from the article in the morning lynx:

    “HHS is cranking up the Covid fear for overweight Americans”

    MY BITCHES ARE IN JEOPARDY!

    • Desk Jockey

      She ain’t a lady if she ain’t 280?

      • Tres Cool

        Cellulite is allright!