narrative begins
Shelter under tree. Hear car. Step out. Mud and rain. Shiver. Open eyes wide. Vehicle stops. Female that has not reproduced inside. Non-reproductive male inside. Male falls for ruse. Inside car. Warm and dry. Attempt communication. Communication failure. Humans attempt communication. Communication failure. Humans smell related. Family. Familiarity. Lick water from fur. Non-reproductive male insists on touching. Do not kill him. Attempt communication. Communication failure.
narrative change
“You’re such a talker, yes you are,” he says. The cat meows again.
“His name is Whiskers,” he tells his sister, reading from the tag around his neck.
“Why have you not reproduced?” the cat asks the female.
“Ew. He’s touching me. He’s still all wet.”
“He’s a sweet boy,” he says.
“Why do you refuse to engage in reproductive intercourse?” the cat asks him, batting at the riverboat gambler tie. “Is it because of this?”
“We cannot bring a wet, muddy cat to the wedding,” she says, sniffing, her ovulation artificially suppressed by chemicals.
“I couldn’t leave you out there in the rain, now could I?” he says, addressing the cat.
His sister snorts and tugs at her seatbelt.
“Two older sisters,” he grumbles. “No wonder I’m gay.”
narrative change
I could have gone to the lake house with Philip, he thoughts. Cat meows. Seed grows.
The lake house. He drews it in his mind: the deck, the herringbone roof, a tattered beach umbrella, the scratches in the tile near the hallway light switch, the linen from the closet smelling of mildew, hanging them outside to dry, Philip taking him on the deck, boards creaking, seagull shit everywhere, salt air and dead fish and spume, the little room at the top of the stair where you could see nothing but ocean, Philip smelling like his wife’s perfume, Philip, Philip, Philip.
“Are you even listening to me?!?” his sister screechums. She is histrionic. Her womb is dry. No nephew. No niece. Cat paws at his neck, feeling the pulse running through his jugular.
“Why do you dream?” cat askowls as he presents his asshole to the man and backs into him. The cat’s anus leaves a puckered kiss of shit on his lapel.
narrative change
picking up cat in the rain why can’t he take anything seriously it is Maddy’s wedding for god’s sake and he is being a man-child like always attention attention look at me look at me been the same way his whole life the baby the baby all the attention no one ever cared about me no nobody cares about the middle child the plain sister the younger sister and the older sister did I take my adderall did I did I did I I guess so who cares this is what they deserve I’ve had to do everything for the wedding and I had to go back and get the flower crown of course she wanted a flower crown fucking Maddy and I had to pick up Tom fucking Tom I get to sleep with all the boys I want because I’m so fun and super-gay and no one for me no one for me I get all the shitty dudebros fuck don’t think about Steve you’re done with Steve it would have been nice to have a date for the wedding I wonder if their will be any cute guys probably not probably not all of John’s friends are man-boys with their video games and vintage tees and fuck the cat the cat touched me again I hate cats I hate cats maybe I should get a dog a big dog and just become a lesbian yuck maybe she could just do stuff to me and I could keep up the house or something a really big dog I’d make a hot lesbian why didn’t I lose weight for the wedding I just want to be touched by something other than my goddamn vibrator mud mud all over my car fuck fuck fuck
narrative change
“Adaptive all-wheel drive, bitch!” the car thought as it thrashed another washed-out mudhole.
narrative change
They are late, of course, they are late, only my wedding day after all, at least I’m not showing yet, I think as I forced a grin onto my face.
[calibrated squeal of delight]
“What happened to you?” I make myself ask, working the muscles and tendons of my face and throat.
“Who’s cat is that?” I ask, wincing at the rhyme.
I’m getting married in a barn. A barn. Why was I fucking a hipster in the first place? Why did I let him coom all over my cervix? Why didn’t I have it scraped out of me? A barn wedding. I deserve this.
The cat screeches: “This one has had reproductive sex. It is gravid.”
“It’s a long story,” my brother says. I think about the time I caught him wearing my clothes, his erection straining against the thin fabric of my date night underwear. In family be all our embarrassments remembered.
“You look so beautiful,” my sister says. She needs a man to marry and hate.
narrative change
“Whiskers!” the old man, the barn owner, cries and picks up the cat.
“NO!” the cat screams. “I have not finished my reproductive studies.”
“You naughty cat,” the barn man says. “Where have you been?”
The cat contorts his small body in an attempt to free himself.
“Unhand me!” the cat howls. “UNHAND ME!”
“Whiskers, are you hungry?” barn man asked. The cat hisses and shits a little.
“I must watch them copulate! I must see the deformities of their offspring!”
The cat jumps from his arms and runs back to the wedding party, paws and claws digging into the wet earth for desperate traction.
narrative end
Holy shit. (And that’s an On Topic comment for this).
The rest of us simply do not see the same world you do…
But I’m glad you share!!
Great writing, SF. When we eventually run into each other again, please remind me to buy you a drink.
Oh, and that’s a first on an SF post. Where the hell is Broke-cheddar? C’mon, Cheese, you’re slacking.
And I’ve got a day job on top of my vaccine litigation-fixation.
He prepares for the dark days of winter in his mountaintop lair.
A drink of straight laudanum? To drive away such visions!
“Two fingers of LSD. Shaken, not stirred.”
This is just straight up reporting.
SF speaks cat.
And Subaru.
Subaru Horror Theater! Three weeks to Halloween. The best is yet to come, unlike the frustrated sister. Mr. Whiskers knows best.
The one with the dog and the missing child still haunts me.
Yup.
No kidding. That one was the top post this site has ever had.
Absolutely. Stephen King could pick up some pointers from that one.
Ayup.
I missed that. Going to have to find it. SF you are an absolute treasure, I love everything you write and wish I had a mind that can create stuff like this. God bless.
The SHT stories are always entertaining. This one has a very Sci-Fi feel. Is the cat an alien or are all cats sentient intelligent beings that study us? I guess both could be true.
By the way, my favorite blurb:
“Adaptive all-wheel drive, bitch!” the car thought as it thrashed another washed-out mudhole.”
There’s a LOT of gold in here. Like the stream of consciousness from the middle sister – that’s fucking amazing… But so is the gay brother’s… But so is the older sister’s.
Etc.
I say this and mean it as a compliment: SF should be teaching a serious (and expensive) writing course to young, aspiring writers.
SF should be teaching here:
https://nypost.com/2021/10/08/nyc-to-phase-out-gifted-and-talented-program/
“the city will hire additional teachers trained in accelerated learning in areas with historically little to no gifted and talented programming.”
Imagine letting SF-trained writers loose in NYC. Popcorn!
Imagine letting SF-trained writers loose in NYC. Popcorn!
You want Reavers? Because this is how we get Reavers.
Holy shit, what an asshole. A racist commie to the end. Smash the system!
That line was great. A rare bit of joy in this series.
That was my favorite line too. What a way to start my four day weekend.
I assumed this was paid product placement.
That was good, very, creative…….
Hmmm. . . I’m getting married today . . . at a farmhouse . . .next to a barn . . . I don’t think I should read this today.
Is the bride gravid?
Will there be cats?
Is your brother gay?
Way to assume BangingLC’s sex and sexuality, you cis-shitlord!
Congrats!
And kudos to you for getting married on a Friday!
Huzzah! Was a shotgun involved in initiating the wedding plans?
Congratulations!
Don’t buy a Subaru. Or adopt a cat…
Meh, done both. It isn’t really as entertaining as SF‘s imagination.
Congratulations!
WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!! To the sweet lady with sweet little girl?
yes
No Gravid, no shotgun.
Username checks out.
Congratulations!
Congrats!
Awesome.
After watching the commercial, however, I was hoping that the cat killed every one of those fucking hipsters!
The cat screeches: “This one has had reproductive sex. It is gravid.”
That’s poetry.
So much of it – but that is an absolute zinger at the end.
That was kind of the SHT I had in my head after seeing this damn commercial a few hundred times, but I like this direction too. Kitty is more cool and calculated. Who knows what he is up to.
grav·id
/ˈɡravəd/
Learn to pronounce
adjective
1.
TECHNICAL
pregnant; carrying eggs or young.
“the retroverted gravid uterus”
I learnt a new word today! My brain is full. Can I be excused from the rest of the work day?
Surely an etymological relation to heavy.
It is mostly used with horses. You pick up a lot of horse jargon just living in Kentucky.
I always heard it in relation to egg laying critters like birds and lizards. (Vets don’t refer to birds as “pregnant”, just “gravid.”)
But then when Princess Kate was very sick with her pregnancies they called her illness “Hyperemesis gravidarum” so I figured it works for mammals too.
In obstetric notation, a gravida 2 para 1 (G2 P1) is a woman who’s pregnant, who has been pregnant before, and had one child out of her first pregnancy. Gravida 1 para 2 (G1 P2) is that she is not pregnant now, but has had twins. There are notations that are more drilled-down, like G6, P4-0-2-4 means she’s been pregnant 6 times, had 2 term births, 0 preterm births, 2 abortions (miscarriage is considered an abortion), and has 4 children total.
Often OBs will refer to pregnancy as gravida or gravid.
That makes my head hurt.
Fortunately, I just have to make sure the text matches what the doc said. I don’t have to do the math.
Heh…..you said “drilled”.
So … you saw what I did there.
#metoo
Luckily I preemptively took the day off.
I wasn’t aware of that definition.
This one I was:
2.
full of meaning or a specified quality.
“the scene is gravid with unease”
Got a double-play on this, “The cat screeches: “This one has had reproductive sex. It is gravid.”
Nice!
The 2.0L engined Crosstreks are seriously underpowered IMHO.
And overpriced. We looked at them – then at an Infiniti QX30 with a Mercedes 2.0 turbo, for almost the same money. Easy call.
With the automatic transmission I would imagine so. Not bad with the manual, though you’ve got to hit about 3200rpm for the bottom of the power curve.
Squee! This one was so ripe for mockery I considered adding my own contribution to Subaru Horror Theater.
*digs in*
It’s odd how few obvious lesbians there are in Subaru commercials. Do they have that demo so locked up it simply isn’t necessary?
They have that demo so locked it would be offensive, and howls of rage would be heard.
Yes. The purpose of marketing is to bring in new customers.
Good marketing does not piss off the current customers.
Lesbians only buy used. It’s like how women buy miatas and men then pick up the used ones. Yuppie couples buy subarus to hand down to lesbians.
The wife and I were in gun safety class to get out permits to carry.
The instructor was disparaging anti-gun folks as berkenstock-wearing, subaru-driving, progressives.
My wife said that she drove a subaru and liked berks.
The instructor was completely caught off-guard and stumbled over an apology,
I like my Birks too. Healed my plantar fasciitis years ago and I wear almost nothing else (steel-toes work boots sometimes and a pair of ballet flats to church).
I have taken up wearing minimalist running shoes (Merrells) for that same reason.
Makes me use the balls of my feet more.
In my case, they give me nice arch support. Hurts sometimes if I’ve been going barefoot a lot around the house, but it’s worth it.
The MRS are like slippers with built in arch support.
Attention, shooting instructors! When you’re teaching, keep your cakehole shut about politics and religion. Thank you.
?
My son plays the pipe organ and takes instruction from some high profile organists. As you can imagine some of them are exceedingly outspoken. Fortunately I was not present when one of them started ranting about vaccines and how any organist that does not take one shouldn’t be allowed to work. I have no doubt I would have ripped him a new asshole in public.
high profile organists. As you can imagine some of them are exceedingly outspoken.
I have never once thought about organists as a group, but now you have me thinking.
It’s like some specialty engineers, an exceedingly small group of experts in a very particular field. They all know each other.
Its almost like you’ve met some of us stack-testers.
I was in the RF/microwave field. It’s not a big group of people who understand how cavity filters work.
It’s not a big group of people who understand how cavity filters work.
These euphemisms.
Ya know, that LIberace guy was a great piano player. But I heard he really sucked on the organ!
Roses go on the piano, but tulips go on the organ?
When you’re teaching, keep your cakehole shut about politics and religion.
I’ll make an exception for expressing opposition to gun control. When we were reviewing the Four Rules, one of my Front Sight instructors said Rule Zero was “Don’t let the government take your guns”.
Lesbians are extinct.
PornHub would like a word.
Beautiful women having sex that arouses men are not lesbians.
Know what you call a lesbian with fat fingers ?
well-hung
Spoiled for choice on favorite line on this one.
“She needs a man to marry snd hate” is tragically too true of sister thoughts.
“Why do you refuse to engage in reproductive intercourse?” the cat asks him, batting at the riverboat gambler tie. “Is it because of this?”
SF is a national treasure.
The cat also has the sensibilities and one-liners of Triumph the insult dog – it’s amazing.
Whiskers needs a Subaru of his own!
I was once offered the chance to test-drive a Subaru, but I didn’t have any quarters.
No Quarter?
Another great story.
My husband needs a new car. We are giving away his rusty bucket of bolts (2008 Ford Escape with > 200k miles and so much Minnesota road salt it’s not deemed road worthy anymore).
Not sure what to get. I considered Subaru but thanks to SugarFree I’m not sure I could own it without shuddering every time I’d see it .
We are a Hyundai family and swear by them. The car I drive now (Zippicar) is a hand-me-down from my mom. She says it was the best car she’s ever had, and she’s owned a lot of cars. She bought a brand-new Hyundai to replace it.
We’ve had great luck with Kia/Hyundai. Seems like everybody in our extended family buys them, and I’ve never heard any complaints.
Four Hyundais here. 2008 Entourage (minivan) was gifted to the littlest patzer. 140K miles and going strong.
Mechanically my Genesis has been good.
Electronically….. not so much. I sometimes think Hyundai used the South Korean version of Lucas.
It is one of the early Genesis sedans.
I always preferred their early work with Gabriel.
Lucas Elec. Pty. Ltd.
aka The Prince of Darkness
Also consider getting a fleet car. We have for years bought from Enterprise.
I bought an older (2011) Outback for my daughter recently. It was surprisingly nice. Solid ride, nice handling. I liked it.
My wife’s 09 Forrester was a great car.
I would recommend any used car from that time frame as a good option.
I have had many Subarus in the past. I liked them all.
Two years ago, we had a new Outback as a loaner when our new-at-the-time Nissan Rogue was being serviced. I hated everything about that Outback.
I can’t say that I would recommend Subaru as they exist today.
Subaru had explosive growth in the 2018, 2019, and 2020 time frame. Their initial quality on delivered cars took a big plunge. Initial quality and long-term reliability were the primary reasons for buying quirky (perhaps ugly) cars from Subaru.
I’m on our last Subaru. We had the Outback with the engine problems (1 fucking year of production) and even the replacement engine had the problem. I wasn’t going to mess with their CVT automatic, so when we traded in the Outback, only the CrossTrek was available with manual. This one either runs trouble-free for 200K+ miles or I figure out what AWD alternative to buy.
Right there in the name, Kia!
Just don’t listen to sloopy and buy German.
I just love how german engineers will find a way to use multiple size/type fasteners on 1 part.
My 09 Malibu doesn’t give me any trouble when animals don’t suicide on me.
My WRX STI has a much higher fun/$ ratio than the BMWs I had been driving.
Pity Honda stopped making the S2000.
Older STIs are awesome, but you’ll never find one that hasn’t been used like automotive toilet paper by some dipshit riceboi.
It’s a massive shame. I love the idea of a cheap ugly car with a war crime-grade interior that will outrun or out-corner anything else on the road…
I liked my Impreza. My Forester Turbo was such a piece of shit that it soured me on the marque. I wouldn’t touch a new Subaru.
I had one subaru with a turbo. It was a disaster.
Soured me completely on turbos in general.
I love my Impreza. Only thing better would be a Subie big enough to pull an A-liner camper. (Ascent maybe?)
Nah, the Ascent is woefully underpowered.
Depends on needs, preferences, and priorities. Automatic?
Automatic, big enough to put some stuff in back. It’s replacing a Ford Escape. Something hatch-backy would be nice.
Is this over budget? It’s real nice…
As I’ve stated before, I love my GTI.
Practical and fun.
I’d never seen this Subaru ad. It’s horrifying in its own inimitable way. Are we sure we need to riff on its horribleness?
Yes. I needed this.
Non-reproductive male inside.
HAH! That was my thought when I saw him.
Non-reproductive male insists on touching. Do not kill him.
🙂
“Two older sisters,” he grumbles. “No wonder I’m gay.”
Oh. I didn’t see that twist.
I sent this to some lesbians. They loled.
“Whiskers, are you hungry?” barn man asked. The cat hisses and shits a little.
“I must watch them copulate! I must see the deformities of their offspring!”
Awesome.
This is good.
Subaru Horror Theatre! Squee!
I feel like I’m in this story and I hate it.
Hopefully you own the cat.
The only one to be in this story is the cat.
The cat is just a voyeur.
NTTAWWT.
Great story.
Speaking of reproduction, the second half of the current American Horror Story has a delightful current year twist.
The last couple SF Wednesdays I’ve wondered if we were going to be gifted with anymore SHTs . Guess I won’t have to demand my money back.
As always I read the story first then watch the ad. This time I’m really thinking “SF can’t get all this out of an ad?” Not only was this a short ad, but, damn it was all in there! Amazing. Or sick. Whatever.
I usually do it the way you did, but today I watched the ad first…
I can’t really tell which way is better.
It’s a weird phenomenon, but with SF and these SHT pieces, either way produces a different – but equally enjoyable – experience. At least to me.
So… cats have gaydar? That’s what I learned today.
Truly enjoyable.
I….I….Im not sure how I feel right now.
Horny?
Gassy?
Hungry?
D) all of the above
Anyone recommend a good compass? I’m gonna upgrade and I’m curious what y’all dig. Looking at Suunto, Brunton or another non-Chinese one.
I prefer Brunton for orienteering. But I have a Suunto wearable wrist one, too, and it’s cool but sticks if not very near level.
This one.
https://www.brunton.com/collections/outdoor-compasses/products/truarc-10-luminous?variant=20286417666107
In fact, I think I’ll order one for myself now.
Cammenga, still made in USA.
First question last, what do you want to use the compass for?
Ooohh. that is nice.
My GPS backup is a Cammenga wrist compass. They’re very high quality, but also heavy.
^^This!!
Old school military lensatic compass.
Buy one at a surplus store.
Downside of used is the tritium vials do fade over time, if that matters.
I need to replace mine, can barely see them anymore at night. Price is still pretty reasonable for brand new.
Backup for hiking/backpacking/fishing. I almost dropped my phone off a cliff last weekend.
I have a shitty base one but I’d like a nicer one for out here.
Thanks for the Cammenga recommendation. I’ll take a look at those too.
Orienteering, adventure racing, or emergency backup to a GPS?
OK, this one baffles me. Trump won Florida – so what is the point of an audit? Are they hoping for an own-goal?
If you let shitholes like Broward County continue to “fortify” results, you may wake up in a TEAM BLUE state one day.
OK, then you push for a Broward audit, not a statewide one, no? Or are the Republicans attempting to look fair and disinterested? From what I’ve read Florida took the 2000 mess as a wake up and improved on that.
It’s the latest trend among Republicans.
A Reopen NH endorsed state rep who is running for US Congress introduced a bill to have a statewide audit in NH of the 2020 election results. After the Windham, NH audit which found no shenanigans and instead found that the vote discrepancies can be explained by the optical ballot scanner being thrown off by a fold in absentee ballots going through a candidate’s oval, I expect nothing interesting will come of this. But on the other hand, it will get him support from the folks that think that the Republicans for US House and US Senate in NH in 2020 lost due to shenanigans and not due to them being shitty candidates that ran shitty campaigns.
All the cool kids are doing it!
That’s exactly the problem I see – the Republicans will excuse the crap they offer the voters because they can blame losing on shenanigans. Fuck, it’s like the whole party is turning into Hillary post-16.
Every state had either outright democrat election fraud or problems with their voting equipment.
While this happens most election cycles, election 2020 was unprecedented by the number of mail-in ballot with no faces connected to them.
As for republican politicians being “shitty”. That might be but the democrat party is the party of slavery, kkk, and segregation. If you for a vote democrat to win, you voted for slavers to win and thats on YOU.
I for one cant wait for Trump to win election 2024 with a billion votes.
Watch democrats scream for audits then.
I can see it being used to catch issues before the next election. It was utter foolishness to say “we are the model for the nation.” You literally are setting yourself up for shenanigans. Florida has a bigger target on it than Texas for election fraud.
Also we are all dating ourselves by using the word “shenanigans” at the same time, while typing comments.
Obligatory.
The onion on my belt approves.
At least I have a date.
About “Joysticks”: I finished it this afternoon. It’s a bad movie but the nostalgia is delightful plus there are some amusing moments. Oh, and boobs. Thanks for that!
You are welcome! Hopefully there isn’t a riot in the comments next week over Robo Vampire. Tonio is already annoyed that the official title has no hyphen. I can tell.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0nSvcj5eGs
Hmm….
They have the technology.
Did I see Ron Jeremy in that trailer?
No, but every bad guy looks like an Italian porn star.
HAH!
What’s crazy is that regular election audits aren’t just part of the normal process.
Agreed. There should always be some post-election audit. Not as crazy as a forensic audit, but some kind of wrap up of issues found and lessons learned.
Forensic auditing of a random sample, which triggers a full audit at some specified error level.
The process should always be improving. Unfortunately that’s racist.
It’s pretty nuts that the common belief among the Left is that showing ID’s and making sure the voter rolls are constantly and accurately updated is racist.
Concur. Every state and federal election should be audited.
Which raises the question – audits need to be independent. Who picks the auditor, who do they report to?
Another question: how deep should the audit go? If its intended to find shenanigans, then almost by definition it needs to be a forensic audit of some sort.
I think I could address question one. Treat election auditors like home inspectors in a sense. there should be a pool of auditors vying for business at the state level. Auditors would eventually shake out the chaff and states would hire auditors that got results. A stop check against stale audits would be that an audit group is only allowed to audit elections in a state once every x years/months, ensuring that a different audit group rotated in each season with fresh eyes. This would also keep “cozy” relationships from forming.
How deep? Boy. I’d need to get research and gather requirements on that. Just at the user story level right now.
states would hire auditors that got results
Which results? Everything looks fine, or, this is a crap process? Because you know what the people hiring them (the ones running and/or winning the elections) want to hear.
The Courts for a long time were smart enough to stay away from partisan questions. Those were the days.
If I remember correctly, a group of folks had to agree on the auditor for the Windham, NH audit. The Secretary of State (Democrat. Held the post for 30 years. Wants election integrity and supported the audit. He’s lobbied against HR1 and been ignored by Democrats in Washington), the Legislature (Republican controlled), and Windham town officials (no idea).
Oh, and Secretary of State in NH is an elected position. The Legislature elects the Secretary of State every two years. Both Republican and Democrat controlled Legislatures have kept electing the same guy in part because of his reputation for wanting clean, trustworthy elections.
The secret ballot is going to make any audit very difficult.
It I don’t trust the govt to treat my secret vote with due respect, I’m going to have even less trust when the partisans can know exactly how I voted.
Why do ballots have to be secret? Im fine with everyone knowing how I voted. I can tell everyone who I voted for for the last 20 years.
Post all ballots online and let transparency be the audit.
I salute a fantastic Subaru Horror Theatre! I got here late and started commenting with abandon. Rude!
https://www.bbc.com/news/business-58847328
Stop playing games, people. Just nationalize all businesses and be done with it.
I don’t know, perhaps create a better and less complicated tax system where companies don’t feel the need to re-route their profits through lower tax jurisdictions. They won’t do that though because politicians and activists see the tax system as a means to reward their cronies and reengineer society.
That’s crazy talk man!
a fairer system of taxing profits where they are earned
I think I already know how the international tax lawyers are going to pay for their yachts. If I am based in Singapore, contract for my gizmos to be made in China, and the gizmos are sold in Nepal, where exactly where my profits “earned”?
Solution! Move all corporate headquarters to Ireland.
Ireland already signed on to this.
Boo!
Solution! Megacorps from cyberpunk stories become real, and start having private armies and buying islands.
When Amazon or Tesla can drop rods from gods, I think they may be able to get clear of taxes.
The governments are addicted to taxation and think any money out there should be theirs first.
And, considering tax incidence, the correct rate of corporate tax is zero.
any money out there should be theirs first
To be fair, all the money does have their name on it.
Global fascism – what could possibly go wrong.
Commies around the world are looking to eliminate the free market power of low tax nations.
https://www.aljazeera.com/economy/2021/10/8/oil-surges-to-80-per-barrel-as-global-energy-crunch-continues
But if the Dems can tank the economy, demand will drop and then the price will go back down! Silver lining!!!!
You can almost hear the “journalist” tsk-tsking in the background.
https://www.cnbc.com/2021/09/29/elon-musk-takes-shots-at-biden-sec-anti-nuclear-sentiment-at-code.html