Joemala: Episode 49

by | Dec 1, 2021 | Joemala | 145 comments

 

“Hold still!” Finnegan said sharply.

“I don’t wanna ‘nother shot!’ Joe said.

“Stop squirming,” Finnegan said. “Don’t make me tell Dr. Grandma that you are being bad.”

Joe slumped down and turned a little to present his arms to her. She jabbed him quickly and he sucked air in through his teeth.

“See?” she said, pulling the needle out, “We’re all done.”

“I still don’t like it,” Joe said, pulling his dress suit over his wifebeater, hiding the wrinkled skin of his old man tits.

“Your sixth booster is a very important one. You want to be safe until your seventh booster right before Christmas.”

“I never get to do anything fun,” Joe said.

“Well, what is it you want to do?” Finnegan asked, stripping off her PPE and dropping it in the biohazard collection bin.

“I want to go downstairs,” Joe said.

“I’m not going to do that, Grandpa,” she said. “I have to draw the line somewhere. Maybe Jen is around.”

“No, downstairs!” Joe said, pointing at the floor.

“The tunnels? We are not going down in the tunnels. They say they’ve cleaned them out but it is still really gross down there.”

“What about the lounge?” Joe wheedled. “It’s the Presidential Lounge and you told me just this morning that I was President so that lounge is mine.”

“We filled in the spunk dungeon with concrete,” Finnegan said.

“No!’ Joe cried.

*****

“See? I told you a nice walk would be nice,” Finnegan said, supporting Joe as he ambled stiff-legged through the White House corridors.

“These decorations are hideous,” Joe muttered.

“Dr. Grandma picked them all out,” Finnegan said.

“They are wonderful, just magical,” Joe said.

“Finnegan?” Karine called, “Do you have some time for me this afternoon?”

“Of course, Karine,” she replied.

The petite Black woman came up to Finnegan and Joe, barely looking at them as she worked her smartphone.

“Who is this?” Joe asked, grinning vacuously.

“This is Karine, Grandpa,” Finnegan said. “She is going to take over as Press Secretary after Jen leaves.”

“Strawberry is leaving?!?” Joe asked.

“I’ve told you this, Grandpa,” Finnegan said evenly.

“Is she not happy? Was someone mean to my Strawberry?”

“No, Grandpa,” Finnegan said. She put her arm around his waist and pulled him to her, holding him upright, burying his face in her hair.

“I’ll just need a few short statements from him, maybe a gun control soundbite for the new school shooting,” Karine said.

“Do you realize that she’s a Negro?” Joe whispered loudly into Finnegan’s hair.

“Don’t talk like that, Grandpa,” Finnegan whispered.

“Why was she even let in here? I mean, it’s the WHITE HOUSE,” he said hoarsely. “It’s not the BLACK HOUSE.”

“I’m sorry, Karine,” Finnegan said.

“Uh-huh,” Karine said, and walked away.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

145 Comments

  1. Count Potato

    “Spunk Dungeon” is the name of my new mathcore project.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Someone jizzed in the datalake again.

    • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

      Sounds like a sticky problem.

    • Bobarian LMD

      “We filled in the spunk dungeon with concrete,” Finnegan said.

      Point of order… You don’t have to fill those in, just leave the door open and they dry solid.

  2. ron73440

    “Stop squirming,” Finnegan said. “Don’t make me tell Dr. Grandma that you are being bad.”

    Joe slumped down and turned a little to present his arms to her.

    I love that he is scared of “Dr. Grandma”.

    • Fourscore

      First laugh and it kept getting better. Another home run, SF

    • DEG

      The tables are turned.

      I think it was EvilSheldon that first wondered that Biden might have smacked around his wife and kids. Dr. Jill is getting revenge.

      I’m on that train too. There are similarities to how Biden acts when he gets angry to how a guy who used to beat up a relative of mine got angry.

  3. Tundra

    “Why was she even let in here? I mean, it’s the WHITE HOUSE,” he said hoarsely. “It’s not the BLACK HOUSE.”

    Legit LOL!

    • Animal

      All I could think of was “…have you lost your mind? Can’t you see that woman is a ni?”

      • ron73440

        What, did you say the woman is near?

      • Animal

        Somebody’s gonna have to go back and git a shotload a’ dimes.

  4. Ghostpatzer

    “Why was she even let in here? I mean, it’s the WHITE HOUSE,” he said hoarsely. “It’s not the BLACK HOUSE.”

    Paging Kamala. Kamala to the courtesy desk, please

  5. ron73440

    “This is Karine, Grandpa,” Finnegan said. “She is going to take over as Press Secretary after Jen leaves.”

    Is that true?

    Shouldn’t be surprised, but she seemed less likable and informed than strawberry, and that’s hard to do.

    I could be wrong in this assessment, I haven’t seen her many times.

    • SugarFree

      It hasn’t been confirmed yet, but it seems likely.

    • Fourscore

      Strawberry is going, Blackberry arrives to fill the gap.

      • Sean

        *polite applause*

      • Swiss Servator

        At least you didn’t say “to get them out of a jam”

        *preemptively narrows gaze*

      • R C Dean

        Now I’m jelly that Fourscore got a narrow gaze for a pun he didn’t even make.

      • ron73440

        I know right?

        It seems berry wrong to me.

      • Gender Traitor

        Saints preserve us!

      • juris imprudent

        Of course if Strawberry isn’t canned under pressure she may spoil.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Quis oculi ipsos ocules?

      • Animal

        I’m glad you marmalade that out for us.

  6. Swiss Servator

    “The tunnels? We are not going down in the tunnels. They say they’ve cleaned them out but it is still really gross down there.”

    WANNAFUD?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      No sir, no I don’t, not at all.

      • Nephilium

        Why am I picturing the horse from Ren and Stimpy?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Remarkable likeness. He could be my brother.

  7. CPRM

    I’m tho glad I thtick to the Hat and the Hair, I want nothing to do with thith rathitht ath old white guy. He thoundth like a damn dirty Mexican!

    • Fourscore

      He’s a Methican? Apparently needs more meth ’cause it doesn’t seem to be doing much. Once a month ain’t cuttin’ it.

  8. Tonio

    “Finnegan asked, stripping off her PPE”

    You’re just toying with us here, Sug.

    • EvilSheldon

      If it has zippers over the nipples, it’s probably not ‘protective’…

  9. creech

    Speaking of White House Christmas decorations, the DOCTOR Jill ones are up and the news report tease on my smartphone made sure to note “and how they compare to Melanie Trump’s decorations.”

    • Bobarian LMD

      Fox had something on their noon show yesterday about comparing CNN/CBS/MSNBCs coverage of the decorations vice how the covered Melania’s.

      Think Gutfeld had started the discussion.

      Like tires in the ’70s. All biased.

      • ron73440

        I could not care less about the decorations, but the reactions are telling.

        Just like how many time was Michelle Obama called beautiful compared to Melania?

        To anyone with eyes it’s not even close, but to the corporate media, it’s not even close, but oppisite from relity.

      • Rebel Scum

        Don’t forget just how stylish M.O. was/is compared to the literal professional model…

    • Rebel Scum

      and how they compare to Melanie Trump’s decorations.

      Melania’s were actually good?

      • ron73440

        I think hers were the first time I had heard any real mention of them.

        That was because they were universally reviled by the corporate press.

        I’m sure they weren’t any worse or better than any other ones on average.

  10. Not Adahn

    “I want to go downstairs,” Joe said.

    “I’m not going to do that, Grandpa,” she said. “I have to draw the line somewhere. Maybe Jen is around.”

    She tastes like strawberries.

  11. The Late P Brooks

    Needs more global warming scam.

  12. Sean

    Holy shit.

    Trigger warning for dog lovers.

    • ron73440

      At least he didn’t shoot it.

      What the fuck?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Roids will do that.

    • Tundra

      Malice is right.

      • ron73440

        If a worker had done that, you would show the video to the company. Then you would get an apology and the guy would probably be fired.

        Odds that the cops ignore any complaint?

      • Tundra

        I’d sue the fuck out of the guy.

        If I were a cop in this environment, I would quit and start a private security company. Video like that would be awesome for marketing to well-to-do suburban city councils.

        No way a private contractor kicks the shit out of a customer’s dog.

      • ron73440

        I’d sue the fuck out of the guy.

        If he was a worker, of course.

        What can you do when it’s a cop? The poor man probably wasn’t trained to not kick the shit out of dogs posing no threat.

      • R C Dean

        The dog was backing away, no threat. The first kick was completely unnecessary, and the rest were just pure mean. That’s just pure animal cruelty. I’d get his name, file a criminal complaint against him, contact the local news with the footage, sue him in civil court, whatever else I could do to get him fired and make his life a living hell. What a scumbag.

      • EvilSheldon

        That would be a reasonable start.

      • DEG

        And it would probably have an affect.

        Many people care more about dogs than their fellow humans.

      • Not Adahn

        Only because they have better experiences with dogs than other humans.

    • wdalasio

      Crap like this is why I tend to tune out the complaints in libertarian circles about cops pulling people over to give them free turkeys. Yes, it’s a stupid stunt and shouldn’t delude anyone into bootlicking the cops. But, in the scope of things to complain about the police for, giving away turkeys is somewhere just slightly more important than flies’ dingleberries.

      • Ted S.

        Cops pulling people over to give them Thanksgiving turkeys is propaganda to get people to ignore or make excuses for shit like this.

      • wdalasio

        Yes, it’s stupid propaganda. I agree. And in the scale of what bothers me, the stupid propaganda or the shit like this it’s meant to get people to ignore? The former doesn’t even move the meter.

      • Ted S.

        This gets back to the discussion yesterday about where the line to push back is.

        The world needs some cranks to point out to the media that they’re pushing propaganda, even in a “mild” case like this. In this case, I’m willing to be one of those cranks.

        (Remember, I’m the one who pointed out this two years ago.)

      • EvilSheldon

        Nah. Cops pulling people over to give them turkeys is an excuse to fish for vehicle equipment violations, expired tags/no insurance, and weed.

    • juris imprudent

      Well, if the wife were to witness that we’d have a pair of cop balls to hang on the Christmas tree.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      The primary issue for me is that his behavior towards the animal is a big tell on how he would interact with a human given no chance of repercussions.

      That guy is itching to put a beatdown on somebody, I guarantee it.

  13. Fourscore

    The strange part is that the cops showed up at all. What with a fresh batch of Dunkin’ Donuts right from the oven available.

  14. mexican sharpshooter

    The tunnels? We are not going down in the tunnels.

    Judas Priest, lets not go back down there.

  15. R C Dean

    Elon, bringing the heat.

    No TW – not a Twitter link. Y’all should stop linking to that cesspool.

    • juris imprudent

      Amen!

      • Tundra

        Wrong.

        I’m gonna miss it when Malice and Smith and Elon and Kelly and Massie get the boot.

        Also this.

    • Sensei

      That’s great.

  16. R C Dean

    “These decorations are hideous,” Joe muttered.

    “Dr. Grandma picked them all out,” Finnegan said.

    “They are wonderful, just magical,” Joe said.

    My fave from this week’s ep.

  17. Old Man With Candy

    Cop came in this morning for some breakfast sandwiches. I handed them over with my usual smiling “Thank you!” to anyone who hands me money.

    Wokester leaned over to me and hissed, “I hope he dies!”

    “I cooked them pretty normally.”

    • juris imprudent

      You could’ve said he will, some day. As will you.

      • R C Dean

        Dammit!

        Great minds, JI. Great minds.

      • DEG

        Damn. I know I wouldn’t have thought of that had I been in that situation, but damn, that is wonderful.

    • kinnath

      Wokester leaned over to me and hissed, “I hope he dies!”

      Harmony and understanding
      Sympathy and trust abounding
      No more falsehoods or derisions
      Golden living dreams of visions

    • Swiss Servator

      “So… food poisoning at the least!”

    • R C Dean

      “Oh, he will. We all will, someday. Including you.”

      • juris imprudent

        Ah, technically you beat me to it by a minute.

      • juris imprudent

        Never mind, that was your response, which was still damn quick.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      “I hope he dies!”

      Your spit is poisonous?

      • Sean

        Venomous.

        /pedant

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m sorry sean, but Mexi is correct. this would be an ingestable rather than injectable toxin

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        What happens when you inject the toxin into something that is then injested? A poisonous venom? A venomous poison?

      • Swiss Servator

        All I know is someone is going to…

      • Sean

        https://www.science.org.au/curious/people-medicine/poison-vs-venom

        Deferring to the experts (Australians):

        Both poison and venom are designed to be effective if delivered in the correct way. But what would happen if you drank venom (rather than having it injected)? While there have not been many people willing to submit to this experiment, it is theoretically possible to swallow venom and not notice any effects (unless of course you had cuts in your mouth, in which case it could enter your bloodstream). This is because the acids in your stomach would break down the venom like any other protein before it could reach your bloodstream—at least, that’s the theory.

        Also, I guess I was wrong here. Poisonous spit, it is.

    • rhywun

      A bonus mid-week Tales From the Woke!

    • db

      WTF? What kind of a person hopes some rando who walks in off the street dies based on their profession? Like, really? That’s unhinged, even to suggest it.

    • UnCivilServant

      Factory Spec or customized? Any accessories? What brand of ammo?

    • C. Anacreon

      They made a huge deal on the news about the weapon before this actual identification, scarily announcing it was a “semiautomatic” handgun!!!! Wow, those are so out of the ordinary.

      • Rebel Scum

        They are trying to Sauer people on handguns.

      • R C Dean

        Yup. They are dying to Sig lawyers on the industry, too.

      • db

        That’s guaranteed to rack up a Schweizerische gaze.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      I mean, it is the type of gun that only sells when it is on sale.

      Older Sig P-Series fanboys hate in it because its plastic. Younger shooters hate it because its DA/SA and heavy as hell for a plastic gun.

      • Sean

        Older Sig P-Series fanboys hate in it because its plastic.

        #fakenews

        Admitted P-series fanboy here, and I have one in .40. Import with the Ilaflon finish, it’s a decent pistol.

        Weirdly, it came with an orange plastic training barrel as an extra.

  18. l0b0t

    OT – Sotomayor’s questions and comments about medical advances not being germane to the abortion debate and how she doesn’t believe fetal response indicates pain is bloody sickening.

    • UnCivilServant

      baby murder is an article of faith for her.

    • R C Dean

      she doesn’t believe fetal response indicates pain

      I wonder if judicial response indicates pain?

    • ron73440

      she doesn’t believe fetal response indicates pain

      What does it mean then?

      Guess you have to be a “wise Latina” to decipher it.

    • Brochettaward

      You are never going to get people on the left to admit that they’ve supported genocide no matter what evidence is found.

    • DEG

      I see others wishing you a Happy Birthday and I haven’t yet.

      Happy Birthday!

    • Ownbestenemy

      Happy B-Day!

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      “Please, please good fellows, do not bicker and fight. Remember our charge, to lose in a way that retains our positions!”

      • Bobarian LMD

        “Gentlemen, there is no fighting in the War Room!”

    • ron73440

      His comments generated audible grumbling from a trio of Trump loyalists — Greene, Gaetz and Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Colo.) — who were sitting together in the meeting, according to a GOP lawmaker.

      Doesn’t sound at all like junior high, no way.

    • robc

      Fun fact, Nancy Mace was my representative before I left SC. Just for a few months, but still.

      Also, the democrat she unseated was possibly the most moderate Dem in the house.

    • Swiss Servator

      Our Governor Landwhale (D-Comorbidity) seems happy to have us COMMANDED TO MASK forever. He re-imposed his royal order late in August, and here we are…the only idiots this side of the Rockies with such an idiotic policy.

      • ron73440

        That dude looks like a union/mafia boss.

        Shocking that he would be the governor.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Our Gov tied us to the CDC..completely handing off state sovereignty in that regard…I am not really sure which is worse.

      • Nephilium

        There’s a couple other bills that are working through the statehouse that will be interesting to see if DeWine signs them. Two gun freedom laws, and one putting restrictions on companies putting a vaccine mandate in place (it prohibits mandates on not fully approved vaccines; it provides broad exemptions; and allows for antibody/prior COVID infections as a substitute). The gun bills passed, and I believe are waiting on DeWine. The vaccine mandate bill is being debated in the Ohio Senate.

      • rhywun

        Mayor Out-the-Door here imposed another “suggestion” for all indoor spaces. I have no plans to follow it in my daily routine which basically means “grocery stores” and “liquor stores”.

  19. mikey

    “Dr. Grandma”. It’s things like this that make we want to believe SF has a mic planted in the WH. I so want this to be true.

    • Sean

      “He should have shot the tires out.”

      • Sensei

        That’s why I come here.

        I was thinking of the Seinfeld where George gets the Rascal and he is trying to run away. It doesn’t go fast enough so he picks up the chair and starts running with it.

        The Butter Shave

    • ron73440

      He’s white, so no one will care, but the cop did get fired.

      How long before another jurisdiction hires him?

      • Ownbestenemy

        ATF was already on the horn before he got fired.

      • Sensei

        That actually surprised me.

        I wonder if it was because he was doing private security. If he was on the clock for the city I’m wondering if he gets more union protection.

        The actual guy on the clock didn’t pull his trigger.

      • rhywun

        We’re not even doing euphemisms any more, are we?

      • juris imprudent

        He was in uniform wasn’t he? He has to be on the clock for that, right?

    • Swiss Servator

      I suspect they could have contained him…his desire to commit seppuku by cop aside.

      • rhywun

        They could have just shot the knife out of his hand, like in the movies.

      • Swiss Servator

        Heck, just grab the back of the chair and he most likely slides off, onto the ground. But I guess the mag dump was easier.

    • EvilSheldon

      My personal hot button issue is marksmanship. Did Ossifer Wal-Mart fire nine times and score nine hits? Or did he burn a magazine and only connect with half?

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Right, nine shots. How much softer a target do you need?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Nine shots with a Wal-Mart team member directly in front of the wheelchair guy….good job folks…good job.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      “Instead of providing the receipt, Mr. Richards brandished a knife and said, ‘Here’s your receipt,’” Police Chief Chris Magnus said in a statement, according to CNN.

      ?

    • juris imprudent

      “He kept accelerating away from me so I was in fear of my life!”

    • Rebel Scum

      *checks skin pigment of involved parties*

      “Good shoot.” ///The Left

      The officer, Ryan Remington

      That’s not a real name.

      • Penguin

        The “victim” was named Richard Richards.

  20. Rebel Scum

    “Do you realize that she’s a Negro?” Joe whispered loudly into Finnegan’s hair.

    But she’s bright, clean and well spoken.

    • ron73440

      That’s storybook, man.

  21. DEG

    pulling his dress suit over his wifebeater, hiding the wrinkled skin of his old man tits.

    🙂

    “We filled in the spunk dungeon with concrete,” Finnegan said.

    🙁

    “Strawberry is leaving?!?” Joe asked.

    I haven’t paid attention. Is this based on real events or just in-universe from that last episode where Psaki got it on with the unvaccinated intern?

    • ron73440

      Strawberry is leaving, but they haven’t named a replacement yet.

      Karine seems a logical frontrunner, unlikable and uninformed.

      • rhywun

        Worked for the VP slot.

      • Surly Knott

        So you’re saying Joe has a type?

      • rhywun

        If there is anything that characterizes his entire team, it is “unlikable and uninformed”.