Joemala: Episode 50

by | Dec 8, 2021 | Joemala | 163 comments

 

“Who is leaking information out of this office?” Kamala demanded, leaning into Astrid’s face in the cramped supply closet, the sour milk tang of her morning coffee on her breath.

“I do not know,” Astrid said carefully.

“16%. My approval rating is down to 16%! I was once the darling of the DNC!” Kamala fumed. “I dropped out of the primary to help Joe and now I’m down to 16%!”

Astrid tried not to wince under the hail of spittle and revisionist history.

“You stay right here!” Kamala said. “I’ll get the truth from those other two. I’m a very important lawyer!”

The supply closet door still quivering, Astrid heard a tap-tap-tap and a tippity-tap-tippity coming through the wall.

“If that is supposed to be Morse Code, I don’t know it,” she said loudly. “I’m not a Depression-era Cub Scout.”

The tapping persisted until a small hole appeared in the wall beside her.

Kamala burst in again and screamed, “Seresto gave you up! She saw you having lunch with a Fox reporter!”

“No, she didn’t. I never have had lunch with a Fox reporter, so she couldn’t have possibly seen me having lunch with one.”

Furious, Kamala grabbed Astrid’s purse and dumped it out on the floor, lipstick, tampons, tubes, jars, and pens going all over.

“If you needed some lotion all you had to do was ask,” Astrid said calmly.

“Where’s your phone, where is it?” Kamala demanded.

“It’s right here,” Astrid said, holding it out.

“Unlock it!”

“It’s unlocked.”

Kamala snatched it away and then kicked around the contents of Astrid’s purse. “Are those Bluetooth headphones?!?” Kamala screamed, picking up the small white charging case.

“My iPhone doesn’t work with anything but Bluetooth headphones,” Astrid said.

Kamala huffed and left with the phone and headphones, slamming the door behind her. In the next minute or so, Astrid heard doors slamming all through the office.

Tap-tap-tap.

“Really?” Astrid yelled.

The hole grew a little larger as she watched. Finally, a small rolled tube of paper was poked through the hole and fell on the floor. Astrid picked it up.

On the back was a user name and password.

“Oh, David,” Astrid said sadly. “I’ll tweet it for you. But I just don’t know if it will work.”

“Please,” David said, his voice reduced to a mouse through the hole.

“I’ll use that picture I took of you at your desk. It looks very contrite.”

Astrid heard the door next to her’s open and Kamala screamed, “Who are you talking to?!?”

“David,” Astrid whispered to herself, “David.”

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

163 Comments

  1. Yusef the Unclean

    Stockholme syndrome? Hillary Syndrome?

  2. Tundra

    Astrid tried not to wince under the hail of spittle and revisionist history.

    Perfect.

    Every Wednesday morning, over my first cup of coffee, I look forward to this and wonder whether my laughter will include horror, nausea, or envy.

    Today is envy. Cheers, SF!

    • Drake

      We are all wincing under the hail of spittle and revisionist history.

      • juris imprudent

        Yep, that started me laughing.

      • Tonio

        [golf clap]

  3. Tonio

    “I’m not a Depression-era Cub Scout.”

    I laughed.

    • Tundra

      I wondered if it was going a Darkness at Noon direction.

      • EvilSheldon

        quiet sobbing

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        I am only …—…— at it.*

        *not really, though I did try to learn it as a kid

      • juris imprudent

        Hell, I didn’t even have to learn it to get my ham license.

      • Not Adahn

        Just an anthology of Buddy Hackett jokes?

      • juris imprudent

        Is that kosher?

      • Tonio

        NA – check your mailbox. I’ve been emailing you from my Glibs email address about your product review article. We want to publish that soon.

      • Not Adahn

        Like how soon? I wanted to weigh those items when I get home tonight. Though I could gloss over that instead of being exact.

      • Not Adahn

        Ok read email, you were talking about the other article. That one isn’t actually finished. But I’ll work on it tonight!

      • Swiss Servator

        The liquid one…r-y-e. Final round.

      • Not Adahn

        I’ll do the final tasting tonight. The sacrifices I make for this place…

      • MikeS

        If you need a lab tech for rye tasting, I’m your guy.

      • Nephilium

        MikeS:

        So… do you prefer the double blind method of tasting, or the triangle test?

      • Not Adahn

        My alcohol consumption has fallen off a cliff this year. I’m probably trying to set an example of good moral clean living for the pup.

      • MikeS

        I prefer the method where you buy the rye and I taste it.

      • Chafed

        i.e. the prostitute method

  4. Ozymandias

    Tundra and Tonio – you hit on my two favorite lines.

    Astrid tried not to wince under the hail of spittle and revisionist history.

    This is one of the greatest sentences ever written. Context, as always, matters, but that is just… mwah *chef’s kiss.*
    The Depression-era Cub Scout line is a very, very close second.
    I was howling the whole time. The David Gins note through the hole is just too much.
    I can’t say “you’ve outdone yourself,” SF, because the whole JoeMala series is absolute gold.

    • Chafed

      Seconded.

  5. Translucent Chum

    Is that picture on the wall real? I’d have photoshopped a mirror with Kamala holding a gun on David.

    • Bobarian LMD

      That has been done. Saw it on the tweeter yesterday.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Couldn’t re-find, but this one is good, too.

    • Not Adahn

      I’m guessing that magnifying glass is mounted at the correct focal length so she can burn interns ants at will?

  6. juris imprudent

    Roaring applause for building up to that ending.

    • juris imprudent
  7. Ozymandias

    I just read it again – it’s even funnier the second time.
    Fuck, this is so good. Amazing.

    • juris imprudent

      You’re right, on second reading this stood out even more.

      “If you needed some lotion all you had to do was ask,” Astrid said calmly.

      Absolute genius.

  8. Ozymandias

    Tonio – check your regular email. (No rush, I just wanted you to know I sent you something).

  9. Drake

    I would like to see the job description and salary range of “Deputy Director of Operations”.

    • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

      Must have low testosterone and a remarkable ability to kiss ass.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I figure it would remarkably similar to a personals ad for someone looking for a submissive bottom in a humiliation relationship.

        His safe-word? “WillieBrown!”

      • Ozymandias

        Daaammmmmnnnn!

      • DEG

        Nice.

  10. Rebel Scum

    I didn’t know that SF was doing non-fiction now.

    Someone with skills should photoshop an arm with a pistol in that pic, ala that scene from Airplane!.

    • rhywun

      That only seems to address the city-worker mandate. But that’s OK, I’m not complying to any of them.

    • Ghostpatzer

      Hmm, will check in with my bro later today, this should lift his spirits a bit.

  11. WTF

    Holy shit, that was pure gold!
    Bravo!

  12. Ownbestenemy

    Excellent! Great!

    • Sean

      Some good comments there too.

  13. DEG

    “Oh, David,” Astrid said sadly. “I’ll tweet it for you. But I just don’t know if it will work.”

    “Please,” David said, his voice reduced to a mouse through the hole.

    A side piece for Astrid?

    This is way more interesting than sitting through the Nashua Board of Health meeting. FEAR PORN! FEAR PORN! from the BoH. Gotta wear masks in the meeting!

    • DEG

      Well, at least no one speaking so far in the public comment period is in support of a mask ordinance.

      • DEG

        WMUR has a reporter on the Zoom call. The person currently speaking opened with “WMUR cannot be trusted”.

      • DEG

        First person speaking in favor of a mask mandate: “People who died of Covid have no rights. They have no one to speak for them. We need to speak for them.”

      • Sean

        Covid cancels everyone’s rights, apparently.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        ?

        Man or woman speaker?

      • DEG

        Woman.

        I thought she claimed to be a current member of the Nashua Board of Aldermen, but I see no one on the list of Aldermen that matches her username.

      • DEG

        Paula Johnson, who is also on the Board of Education, spoke in opposition to the mask ordinance.

      • DEG

        The public comment period was dominated by people speaking against masks. Only three spoke in favor.

        The Board is responding to questions/comments during the public comment period. Their response can so far be summed up as “Shut up and listen to your betters” plus surprise at so many people speaking against the mask ordinance.

      • DEG

        And… no recommendation for a mask ordinance at this time. BoH will come up with a range of recommendations for mitigation measures for the Board of Aldermen to consider.

        Reasons cited: lack of political will, lots of opposition (surprising amount to the BoH), and misinformation.

      • DEG

        Keene, NH has their Board of Health meeting on a mask ordinance later tonight. I won’t be able to attend because it is in-person only.

        Hopefully it ends like this one does: No recommendation for a new mask ordinance.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Sounds fairly lively, in a Newhart kinda way.

      • wdalasio

        We need to speak for them.

        They’re dead. Wearing a mask or not wearing a mask makes absolutely no difference whatsoever to them.

        I swear part of the reason some people become Branch Covidians is because it leads people to treat the idiotic things they say as insightful.

  14. Not Adahn

    I’m losing one of my techs to an internal transfer/promotion.

    This might be of interest for jobseeking Glibs for two reasons:

    1. I need a new lab tech.
    2. Thermo Fisher is hiring FSEs at remarkably high salaries — my tech had an offer from TF and used it to get the internal promotion.

    • Drake

      Heard that lots of places have shut down their lab training programs – so fewer techs are in higher demand. I work with several labs who can’t seem to hold onto them for long.

      • UnCivilServant

        Penny wise and pound foolish management. It’s been an ongoing ailment.

      • Not Adahn

        Yanno, your current lifestyle might be conducive to an FSE job.

      • Not Adahn

        Field Service Engineer. You travel around the region with a dolly-mounted toolkit fixing machines. It sucks if you have pets.

      • Not Adahn

        I’m not sure which branch of TF made the offer, but I can find out tomorrow. The people who fix Inductively Coupled Plasma Mass Spectrometers are usually not the same people working on Gas Chromatograph Mass Spectrometers or Ion Chromatographs.

      • Not Adahn

        They also recently acquired FEI, so they also have an Electron Microscope branch. Those guys have poached TWO of our people. Frankly because we knew more about the damn things than FEI did.

      • UnCivilServant

        I see.

        My biggest handicap is that I know nothing about these machines as of right now.

      • Not Adahn

        That means they’ll lowball you on the salary. My tech had operator-level knowledge, but very little under the covers.

        You have a work history that shows logical, procedural thinking and you can show proof of manual dexterity/fine detail work with your minipaintings. The 80% lower work should also be in your favor, but it’s probably politically unwise to mention that.

    • Bobarian LMD

      I need a new lab tech.

      This won’t, at all, be like David Gins job.

      • EvilSheldon

        …except for the beatings and public humiliation (hopefully!)

    • EvilSheldon

      Joseph Mercola has been a fraud and a ‘natural medicine’ huckster for as long as I’ve been alive. Hard pass.

      • DEG

        Yep. I skipped over his interview in the “Covid Revealed” series for that reason.

      • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

        A friend of mine is a big fan of Mercola. He ended up with some serious cancer and nearly died. Not saying that Mercola’s advice caused the cancer, but it sure didn’t help him.

    • Rebel Scum

      Are any other actual vaccines given while a birthing person woman is pregnant?

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Flu shot & Dtap maybe?

        I know the Dtap (or Tdap, I forget which is which) is recommended for all those who will be in contact.

    • Lackadaisical

      Getting the COVID shot during the first 20 weeks of pregnancy is extremely risky. Preliminary data published in April 2021 show miscarriage occurred in 82% to 91% of women who got the shot during the first 20 weeks of pregnancy

      Not alive, so it doesn’t matter. /libtards

    • Cannoli

      The 82-91% figure is just as meaningless as the 12.6% figure from the original paper. The problem is the original paper was done very early, so it only had data through February. Most of the pregnancies in the dataset were still ongoing, so they weren’t included in the calculations because the outcome was still unknown. This left the authors with ~100 women who were vaccinated in the first trimester and had miscarriages, and ~700 women who were vaccinated in the third trimester and had a live birth. The original authors divided 100/(100+700) to get their figure, which is garbage because the 100 and the 700 are completely unrelated populations. The 82-91% figure comes from throwing out all the cases vaccinated after 20 weeks, but that’s also garbage because it ignores all the women who were vaccinated in the first trimester and were still pregnant at the time of the study.

      Months have passed since this study came out, enough time to determine whether those other pregnancies had good or bad outcomes but AFAIK there’s been no follow-up to update the numbers. Meanwhile, the CDC used the original garbage number to declare the vaccine safe for pregnancy.

      At this point, I’m regarding the lack of meaningful data as a major red flag. I’m not a big fan of the precautionary principle, but as I’m 28 and have no comorbidities, the vaccine is completely unnecessary, so I’m regarding it as dangerous until proven safe, especially since I’m trying to get pregnant. But the dataset everyone’s arguing about doesn’t tell us anything useful whatsoever.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        La bella Cannoli!

        Aw heck, she smrt to boot.

      • Cannoli

        Ciao Toxteth! I’m always so impressed by the range and depth of knowledge here. It seems like for every possible topic, someone knows everything about it. I’m no expert on this issue, but have paid a lot more attention than I normally would because it’s particularly relevant to me right now.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Yeah, I don’t know why they tolerate me.

        “Good luck with your big development” (as Audrey says in Roman Holiday).

    • Chafed

      I know nothing about Dr. Mercola but the big “fact checked” box and the countdown clock telling me when the article will disappear don’t inspire confidence.

    • Lackadaisical

      if it saves just one life…

  15. Tundra

    Moderna is bad now.

    I wonder how much of this is that former FDA fucko pulling strings for Pfizer. Remember when the J&J was pulled for reasons?

    We don’t know shit. And with the ridiculous obfuscation of the data, we never will.

    • PutridMeat

      Other than dose, is there any substantive difference between Moderna and Pfizer-BioNTech from a bio perspective? Of course the poison is in the dose, but one would think if Moderna is too dangerous, Pfizer must be too, especially with the repeated dosing.

      OT: “Astrid tried not to wince under the hail of spittle and revisionist history.” was the best line. Maybe in the history of JoeMala. Though I may just be blanking out some of the more Cthulhu-ian turns of phrase from past episodes.

      Wanders back to classes and sub-classes, references and dangling pointers. sigh.

    • Lackadaisical

      You sure this is accurate?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Most of the Scandanavian countries already did this I thought. They suspended Moderna until Dec 1. I haven’t looked to see if they started back up.

      • kinnath

        Several scandinavian countries halted moderna for men under age 30.

      • Tundra

        Of course not.

    • MikeS

      ????????????????

      • rhywun

        As pleasant as that sounds, I am still not going to read it.

      • rhywun

        Or watch it, whatever.

      • TARDis

        Good summary. Thanks, Mike.

  16. MikeS

    “Astrid tried not to wince under the hail of spittle and revisionist history.”

    *hearty applause*

    /goes back to reading

    • MikeS

      Ahahahah. And then David Gins. Fucking perfect.

  17. Rebel Scum

    It ain’t exactly talk of fire and fury.

    “There were no minced words.”

    Pres. Biden underscores imperatives outlined in discussion with Russian Pres. Vladimir Putin amid border tensions with Ukraine.

    This impotent, old coot and his cabal of commie cuntes are going to stumble us into a war with the exact country we should be befriending.

    • Swiss Servator

      I see no need to befriend that autocratic shithole. But no need to be at war with them either.

      • Rebel Scum

        In the geopolitical sense it wouldn’t hurt to have a friendly disposition towards Russia. At least don’t be hostile.

    • The Other Kevin

      That threat might carry more weight coming from a country that was a net exporter of energy.

  18. Ownbestenemy

    I feel like a shitty manager right now. So the FAA did an incentive (but don’t call it that) program to get employees vaccinated by November 8th. I had two employees that wanted to get the incentive, which was a 40-hour time off award. The FAA is saying that the incentive was only good between Sept 29th and Nov 8 and that no requests will be granted.

    I did give the employees the letter that outlined the incentive program, but it reads as “if you received your vaccinations between the Sept 29th and Nov 8th” you are eligible. It does not say anything about a deadline to submit the award information for processing.

    Trying to find a way to tell my employees to slap me with a grievance so they can get their reward for following government orders but kinda hard to tell them that when I am their boss. Both of these employees absolutely didn’t want to get the shot but family, finance, etc drove them to it. They deserve some compensation in my opinion.

    • DEG

      It does not say anything about a deadline to submit the award information for processing.

      Bastards.

      Sorry. Hopefully they get that time off.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Yeah plus leave, my family life, work ramping up, etc, it was an easy thing to put on the back burner while they get everything situated. I am sure they will cause I will gladly take the slap on the wrist for failing to dutifully inform them they need to produce documents by Nov 8th, while everyone is working from home, some are shy about transmitting their VaxCards via text, etc.

        I am confident they will get it.

      • Ownbestenemy

        We all good. Some managers were misrepresenting the program and the way I read it was correct. I was getting ready to go scorched Earth for my guys.

  19. Ozymandias

    PSA: NEVER FORGET THAT NO MATTER WHAT CUTE OR FUN THING YOU SEE ON TWITTER, YOU ARE ONLY TWO CLICKS FROM A CESSPOOL OF SOUL-CRUSHING STUPIDITY UNLIKE ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE.

    That is all.
    (I went from a cow sliding down a hill to Robert Reich’s ocean of morons in two clicks – by accident.)

    • Ownbestenemy

      Cow sliding downhill – cows shit – shit rolls downhill – Robert Reich. Makes absolute sense.

      • juris imprudent

        3 steps – 2 clicks – 1 septic mess

    • kbolino

      That’s not an accident. Though you may not have intended it, Twitter certainly did.

      • Ozymandias

        Good point.

  20. kinnath
    • DEG

      “Printer goes BBUUURRR!!!”

      🙂

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      “Hamilton started this place, that’s why the printers go Burr”

      *chef’s kiss*

    • Ownbestenemy

      Cause illness was never a thing prior to 2020. Fuck off.

    • The Other Kevin

      Great, so now I have to hire a security guard and add sound proofing so I don’t hear Aunt Gladys tapping on the dining room window.

    • Chafed

      Every time I think he can’t get more loathsome….

    • Ownbestenemy

      Listening now. Like a lot of people, some can really focus on an issue and this allows you to reach something like 3-15 million people?

      • Ozymandias

        I’ve never listened to the guy and had barely heard of him before this, OBE. Evidently he’s big in your neck of the woods, but he’s a Trump guy and he’s had Trump on his show. He intro’d one of Trump’s rallies (and hence why I suspect there is no shortage of terms like ‘conspiracy theorist’ thrown around the guy by TMITE). Just in searching for that show I listened to a couple of segments and he’s no dummy. He had RFK, Jr on and basically intro’d him by saying, “You and I would likely agree on very few other things because of our politics, BUT on this vaccine…” and then he segued right in to RFK’s book about Fauci. And he let RFK just rip Fauci to shreds.
        I can see why he’s got an audience. He’s got that Scotty Furrell (“Furrell on the Bench!”) gravelly voice, and like all radio guys he’s a bit of a huckster (because that’s the nature of the medium and the adspace that they’re selling), but he’s a smart guy. He is ALL over the govt and Pfizer on the vaxxes.
        If they ask me back, I’ll go on no question.

      • Tundra

        “I got paid.”

        LOL!

      • Tundra

        Well done, Ozy.

        You should do this more often!

      • Ozymandias

        Immediately after the interview, My wife said “you were made for radio” and I followed with “ah, yes, I’ve got the perfect face for it, eh?”
        She larfed. “That’s not what I meant!”

      • Tres Cool

        Once, when I got out of the shower and was getting dressed, I was in front of a mirror. I told Jugsy, “Honey, when I look at my reflection all I can see is a grey, pot-bellied, old, man. I could really use a compliment.”
        She said, “well, your eyesight is damn near perfect.”

        /stolen from Norm

    • Ownbestenemy

      Good job Ozy! Great interview!

    • DEG

      Nice.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Not that far off 😉

      • Bobarian LMD

        “Pocket sand!”

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Ozy! you are Iron Man!

      Saving for later when I can attend better.

      ’08 LP VP? Rings a bell.

    • Ghostpatzer

      Excellent. Well worth the listen. The litany of terrible things done to military and civilians alike which you discussed is enraging. Only half kidding when I say I’d like to see Mr. SMITH go to Washington.

      • Ozymandias

        STEVE SMITH GO WASHINGTON…
        ANY BY GO, MEAN…

  21. Ownbestenemy

    FAA Vaccine Mandate Update
    So they are supposedly close to rolling out the questions for religious accommodations. It will be three questions, each question allows up to 10,000 characters and also allows upload of additional documentation. They are pushing it all to the DOT, rather than the FAA level. My guess, unless someone rights “Fuck off slaver”*, they will approve

    *IMO, a valid religious argument.

    • rhywun

      “No.” is a valid religious argument as far as I am concerned. The government has no business making those decisions for you.

    • Swiss Servator

      The way the Feds are getting crushed in court, they may want to not add one more stone on the scale opposed to them.

    • Not Adahn

      A libertarian debate on IP

      *stabs self in the head*

      • slumbrew

        Did you 3D print that knife? And just where did you get that pattern file, Mr. Information-wants-to-be-free?

      • Translucent Chum

        There is literally nothing more important to debate at this time in history!

      • robc

        I am strongly anti-patent/copyright and I have said it would be literally the last thing I would fix.

        Well, no I would fix some parts of it early on, but eliminating them would be absolutely last.

      • kinnath

        I am pretty strongly pro-patent/copyright. But the first thing I would do is cut copyright back to life of creator (or even less).

      • robc

        First thing I would do would overturn all extension of copyright. You get what the law said at the time of the work. That would immediately move a lot of stuff into public domain. After than sorts out a bit, we could reduce the law for new works back to something reasonable. If the purpose is to encourage new works, as the constitution states, then life of creator is too long.

        I think the 24 years standard isn’t the worst version that has been around.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        If I could wave a magic wand, i’d take copyright back to the 14+14 regime.
        A-class patents last for 25 years (with increased fees and more stringent examination)
        B-class patents to a 3+5+5 regime (current fees and an idealized version of current examination practices)

      • Nephilium

        I’d be willing to grant copyright 20 years, extendable (for a fee) for an additional 20. If you outlive that, congratulations!

      • robc

        How about instead of spending a fee to extend your rent seeking, your write something new?

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        But the rent, Moe, the rent!

  22. Ownbestenemy

    Watching the Potter trial…mom on stand and DA got the grieving mom that they wanted and the defense attorney just took her apart with facts. Wow.

    • Not Adahn

      I knew JKR had pissed off the wokesters, but they’ve actually put Harry Potter on trial?

  23. Tres Cool

    Personal gripe: of course on my day/night off I’m rocking a 101.6º fever.
    Fortunately, whatever is going on is in my head/sinuses and any cough I have is just from drainage.
    Sense of taste still intact, as evidenced my 1/2 Tall Cans™ I used as test media.

    • Chafed

      Feel better Tres.

  24. TARDis

    David Gins, The Simp King. Perfect ending.

    • Ozymandias

      How great is the scratching to slip a note through a hole in the wall?!
      Like POWs in the Harris-Biden Admin.

      • TARDis

        I can hear the whimpering.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MONTRESOR!