Outside of Troy
It’s long been my theory that soldiers haven’t changed all that much over the millennia. Their gripes, their simple pleasures, their penchant for complaining and analyzing the shortcomings of their superiors, their displeasure over drawing shit details, all of those surely go back as long as there have been organized militaries.
So, to that end, I present for your consideration a proposed conversation between two common soldiers in the Greek Army, around 3,200 years ago.
***
The year is 1180 BCE. The scene, a beach, over which looms a great walled city – the legendary Troy.
Two Greek soldiers, Rufus and Melene, are working on a construction project, just outside the city walls.
MELENE: “So, why are we building this thing, anyway?”
RUFUS: “Oh, it’s the King’s bright idea. You know how it is – the nobles get all the big ideas, and we have to do all the work. Hand me that plank, will you?”
MELENE: “Here. Where’s that adze?”
RUFUS: “Lying over there.”
They work for a while in silence.
MELENE: “I don’t get it, Rufus. What’s this on the plan here – a door?”
RUFUS: “Yeah.”
MELENE: “Why a door? On a giant horse statue, I mean.”
RUFUS: “So the guys inside can get out.”
MELENE: “Guys inside?”
RUFUS: “Yeah. Supposedly, we’re going to leave this thing on the beach with a hundred armed guys inside, and the rest of us make like we’ve left, see? The idea is that the Trojans will take this thing as a gift and take it inside their city walls. Once it gets dark, and everybody goes to sleep, the soldiers jump out. Kill the guards, throw open the gates.”
MELENE: “Ain’t any way the Trojans will be that stupid. Come on, Rufus, we’ve been out here laying siege to their city for like ten years now, and they’re supposed to look out tomorrow morning and see this and be all like, ‘Oh, look, the Greeks are all gone, and they left us a present – let’s take it inside the city!’ Come on, Trojans ain’t always the sharpest knives in the drawer, but they ain’t that stupid. How do you think the history scrolls will describe that in a hundred years? ‘Beware of Trojans, they’re complete idiots?’ Old King Priam ain’t gonna be that crazy.”
RUFUS: “Hey, Melene, I don’t ask questions, I just do what I’m told, OK? Sarge says sack that temple, I sack that temple. Sarge says burn that village, I burn that village. Sarge says work on a big wooden horse, I work on a big wooden horse.”
MELENE: “You say so. I think it’s a stupid idea. The King must have gotten a little too deep into his wine barrels last night.”
RUFUS: “They say it wasn’t really the King’s idea, you know.”
MELENE: “What’s that, Rufus?”
RUFUS: “It wasn’t really the King’s idea. I heard a rumor at chow this morning – well, keep this to yourself, but word is that it was really Odysseus’ idea. He’s supposedly going to lead the troops that go in this thing.”
MELENE: “Odysseus? He’s sure the King’s fair-haired boy, ain’t he?”
RUFUS: “How else do you think he got up in the ranks that quick? Odysseus has the biggest brown streak on his nose in the whole Army, except for maybe Achilles. And Ajax? What an asshole. All of ‘em kissing King Agamemnon’s ass.”
MELENE: “Suck ups.”
RUFUS: “Yeah. Army’s full of ‘em.”
MELENE: “Yeah, and don’t forget, we’ve been out here for all this time because of a woman. Little Helen, Prince Paris lays eyes on her, he gets a whopping stiffy, steals her away and next thing you know we’re neck-deep in this shit.”
RUFUS: “Oh, let it go already. I get the point.”
The work on a while longer. Finally, Melene speaks up again.
MELENE: “I sure hope I don’t get stuck on this detail. I’m betting the Trojans will just come out here and set fire to it. Hades’ arse, I would.”
RUFUS: “Oh, give it a rest, Melene.”
Melene looks up at the sun.
MELENE: “Cooks should be calling chow any time now.”
RUFUS: “I suppose so.”
MELENE: “Maybe they’ll have something better than pickled goat today.”
RUFUS: “Don’t count on it.”
They climb up scaffolding, carrying several planks and a box of tools, to begin work on the next level.
RUFUS: “Aw, would you look at this. Not even decent benches for the guys to sit on. They’re going to have to sit on the bottom and hang onto the framework.”
MELENE: “You’re right. Better hope we don’t get on this detail, buddy. I’d rather wait on the ship.”
RUFUS: “Nobody’s gonna ask us what we want to do.”
MELENE: “Yeah. Ain’t that the truth. We do all the work, and the nobles get all the glory. I mean, you don’t see those suck-ups Achilles or Odysseus out here sweating in the sun, working on this damn horse, do you?”
RUFUS: “Nope.”
MELENE: “And I bet they’ll find some reason to not be in it tonight when we leave this thing here for the Trojans to burn.”
RUFUS: “Oh, come on, Melene. They might not burn it.”
MELENE: “You know they will. There just isn’t any way they’ll be stupid enough to take this thing inside the city, much less leave it alone all night.”
RUFUS: “Well, maybe.”
MELENE: “Better just hope Sarge doesn’t put our names in for it when they come looking for ‘volunteers’.”
RUFUS: “Yeah.”
MELENE: “Hey, hear that? That’s lunch. Screw this thing. Let’s go eat.”
RUFUS: “OK.”
Great article, Animal
“Hey, Melene, I don’t ask questions, I just do what I’m told, OK? Sarge says sack that temple, I sack that temple. Sarge says burn that village, I burn that village.”
You captured the totality of war, right there. Human waves of Chinese in Korea in the ’50s. Hamburger Hill in VN, the British lined up in formation in the 70s, the 1770s that is. Verdun, etc.
We’re always fighting the last war.
Where’s that adze?
Nice line. Your imagination is ramping up. Must be the new environment!
My first reaction – wasn’t Odysseus also a king. And it appears he was King of Ithaca.
No wonder it took him ten years to get home, he was going all the way back to New York.
It’s only 170 miles from Troy to Ithaca.
But the Erie canal hadn’t been built yet, so getting back by boat was a bit difficult.
Ha! Like you can imagine Sirens out in that neck of the woods?
*grabs pitchfork, sparks up torch*
What We Do in the Shadows did it.
I can see it in my mind so clearly, thanks for the laugh Animal!
Always good stuff
The best day of my life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mr9JKYA7yoI
I was afraid you’d linked this.
Rufus: Hey Melene – with what just happened to my damn arm, isn’t it kind of dangerous for my dick to be just hanging out on the ground like this?
Melene: STFU; we just gotta patch you so you can get back to work. Don’t you even work Rufus?
“Don’t you even work Rufus?”
I miss our Rufus.
What happened to him? He get sent to Canuck Commie Camp?
Last I heard from him, he’s taking a break. Covid stupidity and Canadian public health fascism were getting to him.
I’ll send a link to this post to him.
Someone beat me to it.
Fun story.
On the futility, and repetitiveness, of war~
Scene – Eastern Afghanistan near the Pakistani Border
Me: Welp, there’s your freedom bird, Brother. (helicopter approaches the LZ, dust blowing up from the rotor wash).
Nick: Sure is nice to be leaving this shithole. (long pause as Nick puts his hand on my shoulder) Listen to me.
Me: Okay, what?
Nick: Don’t trust them, Ozy.
Me: Profound.
Nick: (speaking intensely) Listen to me – Never forget that this country is littered with the bleached, white bones of British officers whose dying words were, “…but I thought he was my friend!”
Some Afghanis thought we were their friends, too. We see how that worked out.
Yep, that’s a fair point, too, Fatty. I still occasionally text with or talk to one of my Terps who made it out.
Great, great man. An absolute saint. I am so glad he made it to America – I am also so embarrassed that the country turned into an authoritarian shithole and he didn’t get to see the America that he dreamed of. He’s certainly happy (by comparison from whence he came), but I know what he’s missed – and that part saddens me.
Not the first time it’s happened.
Strange that foreigners keep trusting the US government.
Pets with time machines
https://www.usatoday.com/videos/news/have-you-seen/2021/12/06/fearless-tiny-dog-doesnt-flinch-when-mountain-lion-approaches-home/8886339002/
Triggered by trigger discipline.
US Rep. Thomas Massie is drawing criticism after tweeting a photo of him and his family holding guns in front of a Christmas tree, just days after four teenagers were killed in a school shooting in Michigan.
“Merry Christmas!, ps. Santa, please bring ammo,” read the Saturday tweet by the Republican representative from Kentucky, which showed everyone in the photo holding various types of guns.
Dishonest cunte draws a connection that does not exist.
The reaction of parents who have lost children in school shootings was swift.
“@RepThomasMassie, since we are sharing family photos, here are mine,” tweeted Fred Guttenberg, whose daughter Jaime was one of 17 people who died in the 2018 shooting at a high school in Parkland, Florida. “One is the last photo that I ever took of Jaime, the other is where she is buried because of the Parkland school shooting.”
Sorry about your kid but fuck you.
I should tweet Jay Leno a picture of the car that ran over my dog 40 years ago.
You still have the car? I thought you didn’t drive.
Fred Guttenberg has been jumping up and down on the grave of his dead daughter for years. Unless he wants to go after the people who actually enabled the shooter, he can piss off.
A sensitive asshole that got offended on Twitter! STOP THE PRESSES!!!
And has now become a funky cold medina?
Medina Spirit, an Embattled Kentucky Derby Winner, Dies During a Workout
I read that as Moderna and expected the injection to have killed the horse or jockey.
Probably not that far off, considering the trainer.
“All the horses are strong competitors, but Moderna Spirit has the biggest heart.”
Haven’t read your story from today yet, just a late reply from your story last week; I too have climbed a tree in a marsh (actually more of a swamp) to take a dump. Fortunately it was not a result of Mexican food so no flame were involved, but it was still a rather precarious situation.
So, a not so hypothetical question.
Say your wife got an automated ticket for passing a school bus in your truck and the ticket was sent to you. You sign an affidavit that you were not the driver at the time and send it in.
What happens next? I assume they’re going to call and ask who the driver was. Am I obligated to tell them? Should I tell them?
Asking for a very dear and very close friend.
You’ll have to check the rules for your state, but in mine, if you don’t tell them who was driving, then the ticket is still yours.
Conversely, my brother borrowed my dad’s truck and got a ticket. Checked the it’s not me in the photo box, mailed it back, and ticket dismissed.
Worth a try, regardless. Especially now, everybody’s got a backlog due to the pandemic, and they may not bother following up on it.
How was the ticket issued? Mailed to you? Mark it as this person did and just wait. I don’t think you are obligated as someone can say they have no knowledge of the time frame, but then again, I am not a lawyer.
So. Is Russia gonna invade Ukraine? I can’t make sense of the reports. It seems like a really bad idea, but then again there seems to be no shortage of those. The impotence of Brandon & crew on full display.
And speaking of impotence.
Burn.
There aren’t spectators allowed. So not surprising that they weren’t invited.
If Russia wanted to invade Ukraine, I’d say now would be a good time. And if China had any plans to make to a move on Taiwan, they’d do that right after Russia started their thing.
… because the US is once again respected around the world. ?
“Hey buddies, stop doing that.”
They better watch out, if they try something Joe might lean in and whisper something.
Amy: So like are you going to Suzy’s party?
Ally: No way am I going to that bitch’s house.
Amy: But I heard the whole football team would be there, including Brad. He’s so hawt.
Ally: You go if you want to, but I’m not coming over to hold your hair when you drink too many wine coolers.
It’s official. What are we going to do?
U.S. Won’t Send Officials to Beijing Winter Olympics
Good. Why should diplomatic officials be attending the games anyhow?
“Maybe they’ll have something better than pickled goat today.”
The worst of the C-ration choices.
No chance….the ham & lima beans still are the worst.
+1 beans and baby dicks
*hurls*
“Ham and motherfuckers?” Yes, can confirm.
Worst C-rat – ham and eggs. The only C-rat I could not eat eat. The spaghetti was a close second. Never came across ham and lima beans in a c-ration. Thankfully.
BEHOLD…the terror of Ham and Lima Beans.
AKA Beans and Motherfuckers.
Ham and eggs were a veritable smorgasbord in comparison.
The first round of MREs were even worse. At least the C-ration desserts were palatable.
Ham & Chicken Loaf or the Chicken a la Vomit. The Nut Cakes were an insult to food.
Agreed. I may still have a can of that left opened, as a reminder never to order that at a restaurant.
OT (Maybe? It is about guns): CandRsenal episode on the Colt 1900.
This is the first in a series which will lead to the 1911.
Mrs. TOK has had a sore throat for a few days. Just to be safe, today she went to urgent care, and all her tests (Covid, flu, strep) were negative. Turns out there is still such a thing as a regular cold. Somehow in 2021 that sounds almost miraculous.
Since we can’t leave the house – how the hell did she catch one?
Looks like my filthy unvaccinated kid caught it while we were in Florida, then passed it on to her filthy unvaccinated mom. I blame DeSantis.
If its the same cold I had, I feel sorry for her.
I lost my voice and pulled a muscle due to intense coughing. It lasted 2.5 weeks.
Fortunately not. She’s had a sore throat and been in bed a lot of the last 4 days, but today she feels a lot better.
It’s good that she’s better.
2-gun match on Sunday. There was a dude on my squad wearing a plate carrier and helmet, and another dude wearing an Adidas tracksuit and shooting a shorty AK. I love this game…
That second guy is either training to invade, or defend, Ukraine.
Hope Gilmore is still safe.
Sorry Groovus. Got my missing g-named glibs mixed up.
“Gopniks, assemble!”
Like Renfair, but somewhat louder.
Or ComicCon, but geekier.
Super spreader event here in NYC!
Friends who went to an anime convention with a man who tested positive for Omicron also got sick, he says.
I think I see where this is leading.
Piles of dead bodies in the streets as people desperately hide from the the roving cannibal gangs?
Carry the fire.
Look at the optimist up in here.
Carry the fire
Dance into the fire
Ren faires and shooting matches allow you to bring actual weapons. Comic Cons have banned that practice.
So I can bring a sword to Winter Steel?
Way OT.
Chafed’s (always excellent) GlibFit article yesterday prompted me to review my supplements.
Creatine
D3/K2
Zinc
Quercitin/Bromelain
C
Boron
ACV
Whey protein isolate (on lifting days, primarily)
Sodium/magnesium/potassium
I’m gonna add NAC back in. What else am I missing?
Viagra?
Giant Study Finds Viagra Is Linked to Almost 70% Lower Risk of Alzheimer’s
That will make people stand up and take notice.
Puns in this vein are extra hard to follow.
Maybe people with a rigid attitude against Viagra will change their minds.
Boing!
Meth.
More of a cocaine guy.
‘Rife’ cocaine use reported in U.K. Parliament — just as Boris Johnson announces crackdown on drug crime
Why would you give your rifle cocaine?
To get a higher rate of fire.
Duh
Whenever someone brings up the idea of testing welfare recipients in order for them to get benefits I tell them the legislators need to go first.
Huh. So that’s what’s in the parliamentary snuff box.
HGH
Glutamine. Stack with the protein.
https://www.thetruthaboutguns.com/federal-announces-new-monthly-ammunition-subscription-service/
LOL, they did it!
I’m not seeing much of a benefit in subscribing though. At least from a cost perspective.
So close, yet so far away.
Some politician will make a federal case out of it.
Free shipping though.
Good stuff, as always, Animal!
Odd little coincidence: The next book that I picked out to read is “Trojan Odyssey” by Cussler. Had it in front of me when I opened up the glibs this morning.
/comes bumbling in. Trips. Gets up.
Ta-dah! Come on. Bring it all in. Big hug.
This was hilarious. Ain’t no one stupid enough. Dude, people still wear fucking masks! Plus ca change….
Fuck Canada.
And fuck America for not invading Canada and turning it into an amusement park.
Thanks for nothing,
🙂
Nice to see you! Were you the muppet that gave Elmo his Covid shot? Or were you the one Big Bird shamed for being a vax denier?
*cough*
I burned Sesame Street down. Including Mr. Hooper’s store.
Nice to see you!
South Park – Canada Ploos
LOL
Hiya Rufus!
🙂
Hey, everybody, it’s Rufus!
/mass cheering
Next time we will work harder, Rufus.
/narrows gaze.
Rufie! How ya doin’?
And yeah, the Yanks really blew that opportunity; they coulda used The Hair That Walks Like A Man™ as a piñata or somesuch. I’d hit that.
He’s so dreamy.
Hm? Oh.
I like this Avatar. I’ve been gone too long.
“Norm!”
Pretty weenie!
Woot!
Quebec City is already a French-Canadian theme park.
If you haven’t visited the Citadel in Quebec, it’s entertaining. The history is a recitation of upgrades installed to prevent the upcoming American invasion. Queen Victoria gave them a goat in honor of their service.
The soldiers in scarlet wearing bearskin hats shouting commands in French kind of hurts my brain though.
Pic is relevant
Sweet goat.
First time I went, there was a guy in a beret playing La Vie en Rose on an accordion. Without any sign of irony.
When I went in winter, they had installed small ice slides which were used to hurtle toddlers so bundled up they couldn’t lower their arms into packs of tourists with very bowling pin-like results.
Hey, j’adore La Vie en Rose! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MO2FSOoqtcg
This is a good pub.
Much good food to be had there.
https://www.lapinsaute.com/
Rufus!
Felted guy! (mec?)
Hiya! Reminds me of an allergy commercial 10-20 years ago about some chick that took pills so she could keep her Rufus.
Let’s see what other missing Glibs can be summoned…
*sets out the heat rock and plugs it in*
The trick is to make a tortilla joke sufficiently outre that it attracts Jesse’s notice, without being sufficiently mean that it sends him away sobbing.
It. Was. A. Crepe!
Bullshit.
Potato pancake.
I was going to link to some steel mill cobble videos set to the Pet Shop Boys, but Lackowsky already made an appearance the other night.
Speaking of cobbles, I agree with this title:
Most terrifying steel mill cobble ever.
Ah, the comments:
“massive hot load nsfw”
Technically correct on all counts.
We tried to invade Montreal one time… but got lost. Someone musta let LT have the map.
Just get on I-87 and keep going north. You can’t miss it.
Welcome back Rufus
Hopefully Justin’s hand isn’t too far up your sock-ass
Well, speak of the devil…
You’re all too kind for caring.
I hope to get back on the Glib morning regime. But I’m still mired in a fight up here. It’s really bad. Never thought I’d witness this.
What i’d do to these criminals.
And fuck Joe Brandon. Fucking idiot.
Seen on FB by proggy lit prof:
Um…y’all trained them to read that way. Reap, sow, etc.
Derp
The city lost power a few hours ago, and the temps are below 30, headed to 20, if it doesn’t come back on soon Ill need to run all my faucets and hope a water line doesn’t freeze. I have battery back up for my phone, a d light the stove manually, but heat, I have cold gear, Illl get by
Bundle up. Faucets only need to be on a drip.
These are useful for temporary outages. Had to use mine during an ice storm last Feb. Kept the bedroom toasty.
This is the standard back-up here.
Kerosene normally being cheaper than LP.
I have a kerosene heater as well. Smaller, Dyna-Glo. I like to have options/redundancy.