‘Twas the night before Glib-Mas, and, purged of endorphins,
Not a creature was stirring – not even the orphans.
Booby traps and alarms were set, in fear
That old rapist STEVE SMITH might decide to appear.
The Glib Ones were nestled, each snug in their bunk,
Each Glib Girl and Anarchist, and reg’lar old punk.
Both I and my mistress, who looked really super,
Were succumbing to an alcoholic stupor.
When, all of a sudden, ere I could rebuke,
Our Glib-house was hit with the force of a nuke!
(I exaggerate, of course, but still, I was shook up
And upset at the interruption of my hook-up.)
I ran to the window and threw open the pane.
Dark clouds had gathered, the moonlight did wane –
And above the night wind’s blistering howl,
I heard a voice; no, it was more of a growl:
“ALL OF YOU TROLLS, BE READY FOR TAKEOFF!
STEVE SMITH GO IN HERE, THEN WE WILL MAKE OFF
WITH THEIR GIFTS AND PRESENTS AND CHRISTMAS BOOTY –
ALL TROLL FLIGHT CREWS ATTEND TO YOUR DUTY!”
I cowered in fear, for from childhood I knew
Of the legend of STEVE SMITH and his murderous crew –
Eight ugly trolls pulled his magical sled;
The very sight of them filled grown men with dread.
I stood frozen in fear, stuck right to the floor
And heard massive footprints approaching my door;
Then, at the last moment, dived back of a chair –
My door was kicked open, and then, standing there
Was STEVE SMITH, in all of his horrible glory,
His dank body hair matted and gory.
He possessed two incredibly bloodshot eyes;
Oh, and a phallus of enormous size.
The creature turned and gave me a wink,
And just as I was beginning to think
That I was a goner, now it appeared
Perhaps things would not be quite as I feared.
Instead, he turned his attention to see
All of the Glib-gifts under the tree.
Then it hit me like a clap of thunder –
His purpose and intention to plunder!
All the things we had bought, he stuffed into a sack,
Our unopened presents, he proceeded to pack.
All of the firearms, sex toys, and lube,
Our home-brew kits, our blow-up dolls – hey, rube!
This was our whole holiday he was stealing,
But as I stood there, I had the feeling
That if I tried to stop him, he’d pound me, I knew
Into a greasy little pile of goo.
So while I stood cowering, tame as a mouse,
The creature went all about the house
Taking all that he wanted; why, he even took
Every Ayn Rand and Hayek and Mises book.
When he was finally done, he heaved a great sigh,
And again fixed me with a bloodshot eye.
Though the beast seemed to be in a jovial mood
I had only one thought: Holy crap, I am screwed.
But as I stood there trembling, my mouth agape,
The monster assured me: “DON’T WORRY, NO RAPE –
STEVE SMITH EXHAUSTED AFTER LONG NIGHT OF THEFT.
ALMOST FEEL SORRY, YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT.
BUT REMEMBER THIS: GLIB-MAS NOT ABOUT EARTHLY THINGS
BUT FREEDOM AND ALL THE JOY THAT IT BRINGS.”
With that he stepped out, with his large pack fumbling,
To his sled and his slave-trolls all a-grumbling.
Within moments the over-burdened sleigh
Rose into the sky, and then away –
Leaving only a horrible stink.
“No one will believe this,” I started to think.
I was up the rest of the night explaining;
I really don’t think I deserved the caning.
Ah, well. As STEVE SMITH said, as he vanished from sight,
“MERRY GLIB-MAS TO ALL! AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!”
It’s like I’m Firsting for the very First time.
It feels like the first time
Feels like the very first time
I didn’t know you were a Foreigner fan. That’s kinda cool.
High school sophomores for the win, Bro
As there is no music link, enjoy the (shared in years past) different… Christmas music station.
Merry Christmas Y’allins, still a bakin’ the yum yums,
Enjoy!
Okay. You people have been getting it wrong all week. There are only two Christmas songs ever written and performed that are enjoyable:
https://youtu.be/739xhwKMmVI
https://youtu.be/t039p6xqutU
Not this one?
I know better than to click one of your music links on Christmas Eve. I imagine it would make me want to put my head through a plate glass window.
At least he didn’t link Band Aid, right?
Along the lines of the second link, you may appreciate Chiron Beta Prime (Jonathan Coulton).
Addendum: That Small Town Titans cover of Mr. Grinch somebody linked a few days ago was pretty kick ass:
https://youtu.be/-cUz-zAATNI
Don’t want to sound too crass, and please don’t think I got no class, just showin’ my testosterone, nothin’s more fun than feeling boobies
In the same vein.
NSFW but patriotic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh2PjkzW20w
99/100. -1 point for not making the obvious rhyme with “goner”.
I didn’t request this at all, yet the wife’s present nailed it.
https://ibb.co/cwn46FN
Whatever it is didn’t load. However, the ad for “Asian women seeking men over 30 in Missoula” popped right up (as it were) . Don’t think that’s what you meant.
That’s wife’s side hustle. She’s got some ronree friends.
Your coffee is uncertain or going down in flames?
At least she didn’t get you Schrödinger’s bento box.
🙂
Goner should have been rhymed with boner but otherwise thanks for that
Nicely done
I almost feel bad for the real Steve Smitg
Hell of a yarn, well done!
Merry Christmas to all Glibs everywhere.
This priest would make Linda Blair puke just by listening to him.
https://twitter.com/FrEdwardBeck/status/1474400096821424130
Don’t read the comments.
Awesome. And, right this very moment I am enjoying a YETI Imperial Stout.
Merry XXXmas, Glibs.
I cracked a 2016 Barrel Aged Great Lakes Christmas Ale tonight. I’ve got a fairly decent stock laid in the fridge. It should last me until Sunday. If not, I have bourbon and whisk(e)y.
The wife picked up a few IPA’s for me, plus I have a 4-pack from the local brewery to bring for Xmas festivities tomorrow. That, along with the person we are visiting is a whisky guy, I think I am in good hands.
The girlfriend got me a present for tomorrow that appears to be a bottle. I’ve also loaded up the fridge with meads and old cellared beers.
Merry Christmas Zwak.
I am drinking a cherry session mead from my kegerator.
Merry Christmas
I need to run a full cleaning cycle on my keezer. Thankfully, I’m off next week.
I still probably won’t do that, and will instead clean different rooms. The girlfriend is working all next week.
Thumbs up!
Merry Christmas to all* the Glibs. Thanks to all for an island of sanity in an insane world.
*Even best wishes to Brochettaward and The Hyperbole who keep this place the continuous Island of Lost Toys that we enjoy.
Yup. Thanks to staff, substitute staff, and readers for making this place worth visiting.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
🙂
Don’t forget the G-man, bringing joy 365 days a year
Hadn’t seen this before.
Merry Christmas from Apollo 8.
(Intro is great)
https://twitter.com/lyndseyfifield/status/1474566738566127619?t=KSWRgogjmDex-bkf5r9ieQ&s=19
Merry Christmas to all! The presents are wrapped, the rum is buttered, and going to make omelettes for dinner. And snow is on the ground! Maybe even might stick around for tomorrow.
Oh, and Santa Claus brought the dishwasher part today that I’ve been waiting on and wasn’t expecting until next week. My present tomorrow will be unwrapping the dishwasher.
Great poem, Chipper, your literary talents are surpassed by none. If you could, amuse the SS tonight, otherwise I’ll be having night mares or have to stay awake.
Merry Christmas to all, now we have only two things to worry about, the government and rust and I can protect myself from one of them.
I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas
Yingle Bells
Merry Christmas from Scandinavian-America
https://archive.md/QdGmP
NSFW.
https://archive.md/IjA9g
NSFW.
https://archive.md/ffyDt
NSFW.
https://archive.md/wip/YoJbE
NSFW.
Oh, but I did…Nothing makes the concern troll harder than hatred towards the other and panic porn….seriously, Covid aside it’s been five straight years of hyperventilating hyperbole in regards to the “Other.” If you dare question the State you’re a lunatic fringe maniac hellbent on destroying democracy…the narrative is so goddamn lazy yet the majority of the public eats it up without a second thought…Goddamn The American People, God Shelter Them and Merry Christmas.
Heh.
A response to rhywun on comment number Nine…
…I think I’ll fuck off now.
TH! Many hugs!
Your Manxes story, oy. I had Manx cats as a kid.
Thank you, my dear. Back atcha.
Fun Fact: One of the three amateur boxing clubs I belonged to as a teenager was named after the breed.
I wore black and purple trunks with golden headgear and a golden cat’s paw embroidered just above my right knee…
‘ had Manx cats as a kid.’
I’ve never spoken to another human outside my family to claim this.
…please don’t be my sister.
Dude, IDK; forums?
*Startled Gasp*
Seriously, I’ve tried accessing the forums a few times but apparently my regular Glibs password isn’t sufficient so I stopped trying.
Anyway, If by some wildly unrealistic chance you were my elder sister: Hiya, sis! Your youngest brother is a drunken, stoned, emotionally unstable maniac too embarrassed of himself to appear at holiday based family gatherings…and your husband is a overgrown child and you’d be far happier with a man who hasn’t drained you of nearly $500k in income over twenty years and was your equal…love ya!
It’s another Christmas miracle!
TH: login should be the same as the main site. Not forgetting you.
I apologize for up thread in # 12. I meant the Q-Man, bringing joy everyday of the year. Even a teetotaler can get too much to drink, even if it is coffee.
Merry Christmas Q…
…and any others I confused. I have an excuse, I’m older, almost, than Santa.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Another sad Midnight Mask.
Mask or mass?
Both. The depleted, socially-distanced choir all muffled up. Bah humbug.
How are we still doing this?
You saw a church choir singing in masks? Where was this?
Channel 11
To be First or to be second, for that is never the question.
Well done wchipperdove. That must have taken some work.
Going back to the foot-wear article I have a pair of Sorels that I bought in 1989 that will probably out-live me. Replaced the inner felt about ten years ago. I’ve never met a better snow boot. Used them for work. Light, comfy and warm. Good gription, too!
My current pair of Danners is close to or more than 10 years old now. I finally resoled and refurbed them two years ago. Love them year round.
I still have my 1994 Sorels boots in a box. They are still in great condition. I never know when I’ll be back in WY or MT and need them.
Merry Xmas from the state DOT. One of their road incident/status:
I can’t believe it’s snowing on Christmas Eve.
Is Antifa taking the night off?
Apparently. Maybe getting ready for the snow/freeze panic.
Did see on NGO’s tweetery that they were going to confront organized mask resisters shopping without masks at Portland suburb malls. Tools of the state indeed.
The fuck is MLW?
mythical libertarian women
Oh ?
I can’t watch the blackadder Christmas Carol. This is the worst Christmas ever.
Why can’t you watch?
I finally noticed that he runs a mustache shop.
I just woke up from another nap. That’s twice now. Merry Xmas everyone! To CS, please feel better soon!
I just had an epiphany! I’ve become my paternal Grandfather. He was gruff, stoic and kind but very much set in his ways. “His chair” was always his chair. He was fond of pets and people but never showed it much. I’m him right to the bone with the nicotine stained fingers to prove it. I even have Judi running about like Edith Bunker. Life reflects art.
I hope you wear a cheap white button shirt and call her “Judit”.
It’s getting cold up here. Time to get out the Pioneer parka and long chowders. Just spent the last while deep in my own psyche and all that I saw was a sea of murky regret. Choices not made, decisions deferred. All of my actions led me to this. So much potential just pissed away. Now I live with the consequences.
Merry Christmas to all commenters and readers.
Thank you for being sources of snark and mayhem.
Yall helped me survive the crazy of this past year.
“Yall helped me survive the crazy of this past year.”
Ain’t that the truth.
Mornin’ Festus, Rhywun, Robo and all the other folks, early or not. Soon this year will be behind us and can only hope the next one won’t be as bad. Can’t be, can it?
Over the last few months I helped a fledgling gain her wings. Seeing her soar away has been a bittersweet experience. It was like when my step-daughters did the same but I wasn’t ready for the emotional toll, this time. Tick-tock death clock is always looming.
When I’m gone I hope to be remembered as a kind fellow, full of good advice that he just wouldn’t take.
But who would have thought it figgered?!
Hah!
There’s a “Best Used by Date” and you kids ain’t anywhere near it.
We still have a long ways to go, fish we haven’t caught, deer we haven’t shot and honey still waiting to be harvested. That’s what next years are for and we will all be ready. I’m counting on you.
Hat and Hair re-run: 2020 Christmas Special
*waves*
only 92 views?
Merry Xmas y’all.
Good morning to the Americans/metric Americans, afternoon to the Euros, and whatever to the Asian based Glibs.
?☃️❄️
Merry Christmas!
There’s a pistol under the tree for me. ?
Santa says I was good this year.
Reloading and re-loading are what we are here for.
Following over from the dead thread:
Hey ARV, if you ever want to Septa yourself out of Philly, I’ll pick ya up and we can go out to eat. Maskless.
Standing offer.
I ain’t driving in to Filthadelphia.
https://www.wfmz.com/news/area/southeastern-pa/police-christmas-tree-lights-are-likely-to-blame-for-fire-that-killed-a-father-and/article_d644eae4-6576-11ec-978f-e7c8ced6845e.html
Local. Tragic.
Hug your loved ones today.
Ugh
Murray Christmas!
https://alchetron.com/cdn/murray-rothbard-b0bacf62-39ec-4daf-8204-16a7bf1c78a-resize-750.jpeg
He was one of my early introductions to life on the sane side.