Joemala: Episode 57

by | Feb 2, 2022 | Joemala | 228 comments

 

“Merry Groundhog Day!” Joe shouted as he crawled from his isolation chamber. He had been saying this every morning for the last 10 days.

 


FACT CHECK

Claim: Joe Biden thinks today is Groundhog Day

Today is Groundhog Day. Joe Biden thinking any other day is Groundhog Day is irrelevant to whether he knows that it is Groundhog Day today.

Status: True


 

“Yes, today is Groundhog Day,” Finnegan said, reading off the teleprompter screen mounted behind Joe’s medical crib.

 


FACT CHECK

Claim: It is somehow noteworthy that Joe Biden’s aides and family caretakers read off a teleprompter screen to interact with him.

Many prominent political families read off of teleprompter screens to each other on a regular basis. This prevents confusion and inquiries by the fake press.

Status: False


 

“It’s going to be a great day, isn’t it?” Joe asked Finnegan. She nodded and mumbled to herself as she changed the dressing on his wounds, massaged his lower stomach to stimulate a bowel movement, and began feeding him dozens of pills.

 


FACT CHECK

Claim: Finnegan Biden is Joe Biden’s nurse

Finnegan Biden is Joe Biden’s granddaughter.

Status: False


 

Joe said, “You are my favorite nurse,” and cupped her buttock to draw her in for a toothless kiss.

 


FACT CHECK

Claim: Finnegan Biden is Joe Biden’s granddaughter.

Finnegan clearly performs all of the functions of a nurse and, therefore, is Joe Biden’s nurse.

Status: False


 

Finnegan pushed away from him and straightened her clothes. “What do you want for breakfast?” she asked him.

“Do we have any camel milk left?” he asked, standing and farting and sitting back down.

“Camel milk?” Finnegan asked, her brow wrinkling.

“Brown stuff, it tastes funny? You know, you know…”

 


FACT CHECK

Claim: Brown stuff tastes funny.

Not all brown stuff tastes funny.

Status: Mostly false


 

“I don’t know,” she replied.

“Tastes kinda bitter and boozey? Makes you sleepy? Bill used to get it from an Afghani guy? Starts with an L?”

“Laudanum?”

“Yeah, that’s it,” Joe said, his attempt to snap his fingers making a sound like a large beetle being crushed.

 


FACT CHECK

Claim: Joe Biden has laudanum for breakfast.

Joe Biden only occasionally has laudanum for breakfast.

Status: Mostly false


 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

228 Comments

  1. ron73440

    Today is Groundhog Day. Joe Biden thinking any other day is Groundhog Day is irrelevant to whether he knows that it is Groundhog Day today.

    Status: True

    Why can I see this actually happening?

    “My butts been wiped!”

  2. R.J.

    Fantastic. This made my Wednesday a happy one.

  3. Tonio

    Perfect and beautiful. Particularly the granddaughter/nurse FCs.

  4. Bobarian LMD

    Imma guess the Joe’s breakfast consists of mostly benzos and adderall.

    Status: True

    • EvilSheldon

      Mmmmm, Xanax and Adderal. Millennial speedballs.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      ???

      You win one pushup contest.

  5. CPRM

    Camel Milk? Fucking theriouthly? We all know Whalth milk ith the next big thing!

  6. Not Adahn

    I had no idea laudanum was brown. Glibertarians.com is educational!

    • Swiss Servator

      “You should see the stuff before it is turned into a tincture!”

      /Ghazni Province, Afghanistan

    • Spartacus

      Just like vodka.

  7. Warty

    It’s always tough to pick out the best bit of these, but “his attempt to snap his fingers making a sound like a large beetle being crushed” is pure poetry.

    • Tundra

      Warty!

      Nice to see you! How’s life?

      • Warty

        Life’s life. Got a new job, so I have more time to dick around on the interwebs while I’m on two weeks mode and don’t really give a shit about doing what I’m supposed to do.

        Other than that, just spending my time trying not to let my simmering rage against the lockdown communists bubble over, you know, the usual.

        How about yourself?

      • Tundra

        Left Minne. Living in CO. Fucking love it.

        Also trying to manage rage.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I think I made the mistake of following Warty on the Twitters…

      • Warty

        your welcome

  8. Swiss Servator

    “Tastes kinda bitter and boozey? Makes you sleepy? Bill used to get it from an Afghani guy? Starts with an L?”

    DELIVERED THROUGH MENA AIRPORT!!!

  9. kbolino

    I like the fact-check format. It heightens the realism.

    • SugarFree

      We at Glibertarians.Com take our mission to stamp out misinformation very seriously.

      • kbolino

        “All facts herein stated were verified by our stable of perverts, clowns, and perverted clowns”

      • Swiss Servator

        …and clownish perverts.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        *applies prophylactic antibiotic gel to computer screen*

      • Compelled Speechless

        So basically, we’re CNN?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Well OMWC does have a certain panache for the young, we have an ass eater and probably someone living in a mental institute

  10. Fourscore

    “massaged his lower stomach to stimulate a bowel movement”

    Best line- Mostly true

  11. Fourscore

    Great stuff, SF

    Totally true, Fact Checked by my old friends

  12. LCDR_Fish

    Re the hotel discussion in morning links – see some similar things but depends on the chain.

    Weirdly enough – the unit I support right now basically has a “contract” to book blocks of rooms with a Best Western in San Diego – no base hotels due to proximity, schedules, number of rooms needed, etc. Nice one – pretty new – and now they throw in meal tickets at a bar/restaurant across the parking lot. (Free food on top of my per diem) – surprisingly good, but seeing what they’re charging everyone else based on location, they can probably afford it since we’re such regular/solid customers. I get the room stay credits even if I’m using my government charge card.

    • juris imprudent

      BW is a weird outfit – they actually have some really nice properties. The majority rate just okay. Oh man, and then they have some that are straight-up AYFKM? Every time you stay at a new one, it’s like spinning the roulette wheel.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        To maximize our points we try to stay at one of three chains: Drury, Holiday Inn Express, and Best Western. Lately we’ve shied away from the BW-Blue and are sticking with the BW-Plus (red). There are some that are labeled “Premier” but they are rare. The BW Premier in Boise is super-nice.

      • Ted S.

        Our Best Western used to be a Holiday Inn back in the 70s. I can only imagine what it’s like to stay there.

      • rhywun

        I worked at a pretty nice one in Manhattan ages ago but yeah I’ve seen some that look like dumps.

  13. Rebel Scum

    I thought this dishonest cunte’s 15 minutes were up.

    Former Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman has filed a lawsuit against Donald Trump Jr., Rudy Giuliani, former White House Deputy Chief of Staff Dan Scavino and former Trump White House official Julia Hahn, alleging they engaged in a conspiracy of witness intimidation against him over his testimony in then-President Donald Trump’s 2019 impeachment.

    Vindman, who was one of the few officials to directly listen into the July 2019 phone call between former President Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, outlines in the lawsuit what he describes as “an intentional, concerted campaign of unlawful intimidation and retaliation” over his role in Trump’s impeachment.

    “This campaign of intimidation and retaliation has had severe and deeply personal ramifications for Lt. Col. Vindman,” Vindman’s lawsuit says. “It also left a stain on our democracy.”

    But not the hundreds of political prisoners being held pretrial for crimes amounting to tresspassing. *makes ‘jerk off’ motion*

    • Bobarian LMD

      Vindman has a mighty high opinion of himself. Pretty much roundly hated by the service members I know.

    • Ted S.

      Private Vindman, thank you very much.

  14. juris imprudent

    It truly is a SugarFree kind of day

    Scottish football club Raith Rovers have faced criticism and seen several members of staff resign over their decision to sign striker David Goodwillie, who was ruled a rapist in a civil case in 2017.

      • Bobarian LMD

        SugarFree is just a nom de plume.

      • SugarFree

        Very well done!

      • Bobarian LMD

        His real name is Wilford Brimley.

    • ron73440

      David Good BADwillie.

      I crack myself up sometimes.

    • kbolino

      I’m no expert on British law, but how does get ruled a criminal by a civil trial?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Some kinda OJ shit, just guessing.

  15. The Bearded Hobbit

    Afternoon links were up and now they’re gone. Glitch in the matrix?

    PREDICTION: A very rough-looking Sharon Stone will be featured.

    • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

      Does this count as a first? It’s like time travel.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Oh great, are we gonna have to listen to Bro bitch about the sanctity of firsting for an entire page due to Hobbit pulling a Titor?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Titor was so great of a read that captivated bored Airmen in the middle of the night.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    Finnegan clearly performs all of the functions of a nurse and, therefore, is Joe Biden’s nurse.

    Cupping your favorite nurse’s buttock is completely normal, and, in fact, a compliment. Cupping your granddaughter’s buttock is kind of creepy.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Depends, does she have a nice ass?

  17. Mojeaux

    *sigh* Just had to tell a potential client that Thing X can’t be done because Adobe. Adobe is asshoe.

    • kbolino

      Adobe, Autodesk, Oracle, SAP, …

      The list of software companies that started out making really good, useful programs and now just collect usurious rents to drive around in circles all day is quite long.

      • Rat on a train

        Oracle: We’re going to count the integrated GPU as an extra core in calculating license cost.

      • Plinker762

        I’m still using Autocad LT 2010 because of that.

    • UnCivilServant

      Which adobe? acrobat? Creative Cloud? Indesign? Flash?

      • Not Adahn

        The clay mixture.

      • Mojeaux

        InDesign –> EPUB and obfuscating fonts.

        As for Adobe *in general*, their subscription model is of the devil. I’m still using Photoshop 7.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        ” I’m still using Photoshop 7.”
        #METOO

      • The Other Kevin

        I’ve never forgiven them for buying Macromedia and destroying it.

      • Ownbestenemy

        ^^^ That was my first foray into programming and animation. ActionScript was close to whatever ancient scripting language (I think Card something?) I was using in my high school class.

      • slumbrew

        Hypercard, I’ll wager.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Thats it! I was amazed at what I was able to move between the two languages in a limited capacity. And to be honest, Macromedia Flash was just another iteration of Hypercard.

      • grrizzly

        I have Photoshop CS6. Once I decided which photo camera to buy based on whether its RAW images can be handled by my Photoshop after the most final upgrade.

      • R.J.

        We need LibreAdobe. Maybe LibrePhotoshop.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Krita substitutes pretty well.

    • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

      Adobe is outdated. Use cinder blocks.

  18. Ozymandias

    Claim: Finnegan Biden is Joe Biden’s granddaughter.

    Finnegan clearly performs all of the functions of a nurse and, therefore, is Joe Biden’s nurse.

    Status: False

    “This post is missing important context…”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Arrrrggggghhh… “missing context” is Facebook talk for “true but inconvenient.”

      I really despise that little turn of phrase.

      • juris imprudent

        Are you the other Taibbi subscriber in these parts?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Apparently

        I subscribe to Greenwald, Taibbi, Berenson, Weiss (probably won’t renew that one) as well as couple other medical bloggers.

        I figured I need to put some money towards what I want to see in journalism.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Nobody wants to hear about your fetish.

      • EvilSheldon

        I could stand to hear a little more…

    • ron73440

      That’s what they said about the claim Biden was checking his watch at the military funerals.

      Never mind the video clearly showed him checking his watch multiple times, or am I misremembering?

      • Ozymandias

        “This comment lacks important context…”

      • Rat on a train

        Even Snopes couldn’t find the context.

    • db

      f’d up the link but it works. 803 pages of ranting and raving.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Yep, schizo… take a look at the self-referential excerpt below.

      Why do I find it unsurprising that a young man in a modern philosophy department could have a complete and total schizophrenic break with nobody noticing?

      The Matt Harris is not an actor. The Matt Harris does not act for anyone else’s sake or
      entertainment. The Matt Harris’s life is an experience, not a role. The Matt Harris is not faking anything
      for anyone at anytime. The Matt Harris is not a guest who puts on a nice face. The Matt Harris doesn’t
      entertain. He makes art for his world and life. He makes the rain stop or he makes it rain on command.
      The Matt Harris is not ever a tourist, he just goes places as himself. The Matt Harris does’t perform for
      others, he does what he needs to do for his soul. The Matt Harris doesn’t need permission to believe or
      do anything. The Matt Harris just believes and knows the Matt Harris is never wrong. The Matt Harris is
      never wrong. The Matt Harris is determined at all times like he is in command of the universe. The Matt
      Harris is in command of the universe. The Matt Harris doesn’t need to believe anything, this is how it is.
      The Matt Harris knows that the unworthy man will say anything to him to try to avoid addressing what he
      is doing to the NIGGER tribe with honesty

      • db

        I had a friend who had a serious break a couple of years ago…some of the shit she posted to her LinkedIn account when it happened read a lot like some of the shit in this guy’s manifesto. It’s tragic.

        Glad he got found before he really hurt anyone, including himself.

      • juris imprudent

        All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.

      • EvilSheldon

        Has anyone heard from Brochettaward lately?

      • ron73440

        It’s not him, he is almost that self obsessed, but he would have mentioned firsting about 12 times in a statement that long.

      • slumbrew

        Hah, I also got a Bro-vibe from that excerpt.

      • Ted S.

        THE Matt Harris probably went to THE Ohio State University.

    • R C Dean

      What’s weird is, somebody dumped two Barrets, with the serial numbers filed off, but I’ve never heard of one being used in a crime.

    • Not Adahn

      Never tell people where you had your boating accident.

      • Fourscore

        Nothing here in Podunkville, don’t even look.

        I said, don’t even look

    • Tundra

      “It looked like it was something that someone would want to come back for.”

      Uh, so you just provided the bad guys with your fucking name?

      Catch and release, dummy.

    • ron73440

      Holy Shit!

      A real life boating accident!

      There is some fine police work there:

      David Goodhue
      Mon, January 31, 2022, 6:08 PM·3 min read

      A man took his 11-year-old grandson fishing at a South Miami-Dade canal over the weekend. But he didn’t use the typical squirmy bait on a hook. Nor were they looking for dinner.

      Duane Smith saw a YouTube video on magnet fishing and thought it would a nice family activity for the two to try. So Grandpa and Grandson prepped a line with a 5-pound magnet and dropped it into the C-102 canal in Princeton.

      They hoped to see what they could pull up from the bottom. Metal scraps, perhaps. Or maybe something valuable. The magnet could pull up as much as 2,600 pounds of material.
      – ADVERTISEMENT –

      Their catch of the day?

      Two .50-caliber Barrett sniper rifles.

      “We ended up with two pounds of scrap metal and 40 pounds of gun,” Smith said.

      If you’ve never heard of magnet fishing, it’s pretty self-explanatory. You connect a heavy magnet to a rope, hurl it into the water and see what you find on the bottom. Amazon sells a magnet fishing kit, complete with rope and gloves, for about 30 bucks.

      On Sunday, Smith and his grandson, Allen Cadwalader, tried their luck at the C-102 — one of the many freshwater canals that line the roadways and tree farms in South Miami-Dade. From a bridge, Smith tossed in the magnet line, and Allen helped pull it up.

      After five minutes, they got their big one. One of the rifles.

      “I figured, since it was our first time, this was beginner’s luck,” Smith said.

      But when he threw the magnet back in, they pulled up another catch. An identical sniper rifle.

      The guns were not loaded and they didn’t find any ammunition.

      “The Barretts had so much mass,” Smith said. “The magnet went straight to them.”

      Listen to today’s top stories from the Miami Herald:

      Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Amazon Alexa | Google Assistant | More options

      Smith and his grandson found the lower receivers of the weapons — that is, most of the gun except the barrel. The Barrett .50-caliber rifle is a semiautomatic weapon chambered to fire a large bullet designed for the M2 Browning heavy machine gun.

      The South Miami-Dade man said he was concerned that the serial numbers on the lower receivers of the weapons and the bolt of one of the rifles were filed off.

      “Whoever did this is not your run-of-the-mill criminal,” said Smith, a 61-year-old former Army infantry officer.

      Smith called the Miami-Dade County Police Department, which sent out two officers to pick up the guns.

      Police Detective Christopher Thomas viewed the photo Smith took of his grandson with the guns.

      “Judging by the photo, those have been there for a while. That said, it will take some time for the weapons to end up at our forensics lab. Once there, they will be processed,” he said.

      Smith is not convinced the guns were in the water for long. They were wrapped in plastic and he was able to scrape away most of the corrosion after about 30 minutes.

      “It looked like it was something that someone would want to come back for.”.

      Why would the cop make a statement from just looking at the picture?

      • ron73440

        HAPL EDIT FAIRY!

        Only the last 4 lines were supposed to be quoted.

      • EvilSheldon

        Damn!

        I once found a little Gerber folding knife by the side of the road, and felt like the luckiest bastard around…

      • Tundra

        I was fishing recently and found a Leatherman next to the stream. Score!

        But I’d rather have the rifle.

      • EvilSheldon

        The lack of serial numbers kills the free gun boner – possession of a firearm with a defaced serial number is a ticket to 5-10 in Petersburg.

        If they were complete guns, I might have been tempted to stash them somewhere for a particularly rainy day. Without the barrels, nah.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        A guy could have a good weekend in Vegas with a couple of those.

      • Ownbestenemy

        With the help of the FBI and a music festival?

        *To our resident NSA listening post, fuck off*

      • Not Adahn

        Smith is not convinced the guns were in the water for long. They were wrapped in plastic and he was able to scrape away most of the corrosion after about 30 minutes.

        ATF raid for illegal gun manufacturing in 3… 2… 1…

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        One might wonder if Duane Smith knew exactly where to go fishing.

      • Fatty Bolger

        I spent much of my yute riding my bike and fishing the canals and lakes in that area.

        If they get *really* lucky, they might just pull up a barrel with a body in it, which has been known to happen around there.

      • Sean

        That’s a really good magnet.

    • Bobarian LMD

      “… and they didn’t find any ammunition.”

      Not with a magnet, you’re not.

      But now you know where to look.

      • Not Adahn

        Well, if it was Russian made steel cased you could.

  19. Tundra

    She nodded and mumbled to herself as she changed the dressing on his wounds, massaged his lower stomach to stimulate a bowel movement, and began feeding him dozens of pills.

    Poor Finnegan.

    • Not Adahn

      What’s sad is she’s not going to be included in the will.

      • Tundra

        You think everything will go to the stripper-spawn?

      • Not Adahn

        There will be two different copies found, both with a single beneficiary.

        The legal battle Between Dr. Jillden, DVM and Hunter will make Bleak House look like and episode of Barney and Friends.

    • db

      “From YOU, all RIGHT? I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!!!”

    • rhywun

      Excellent. Let the children show the way out of this fucking insanity.

      • KSuellington

        I would have been all over this as a high school kid.

      • Bobarian LMD

        At what age did you start getting high? School kid.

      • Plisade

        -1 Greta Thunberg

    • juris imprudent

      I wonder if he’s doing that just to tweak Trump’s nose – see who I am? You can’t do a fucking thing about me, can you? It’s really a kind of Trumpian ploy.

      • R C Dean

        If so, I suspect he also managed to really piss off a lot of people he needs to vote for him.

      • Bobarian LMD

        This is who Mitch has always been, and I get the feeling that this is his last rodeo.

        As a KY guy, I’m good with that.

      • kinnath

        The Turtle moves.

      • R.J.

        Agreed. He has always been like that. He was never really Cocaine Mitch. And he should never be trusted to run again.

  20. Lackadaisical

    “his attempt to snap his fingers making a sound like a large beetle being crushed”

    That sent shivers down my spine. Thanks.

  21. Rebel Scum

    That’s what you get for being a controlled opposition tool.

    Erin O’Toole is no longer the leader of the Conservative party.

    In a secret-ballot vote Wednesday morning, Conservative MPs chose to oust their leader after just 17 months and one failed election at the helm. …

    But the root of the anger goes back much further. O’Toole won the leadership claiming to be a “True Blue” conservative — a contrast with Peter MacKay, who despite holding senior cabinet roles in Stephen Harper’s government, was labelled by the O’Toole campaign as a red Tory.

    Yet once the leadership was secured, O’Toole took the party in a much different direction. After pledging to scrap the Liberals’ carbon levy, O’Toole promised a version of his own — which he steadfastly denied was a “tax,” despite it applying a surcharge on purchases like gas.

    O’Toole’s election platform promised roughly $100 billion in new spending over 10 years — equivalent to what the Liberal government was pledging, which rankled fiscal hawks within the movement.

    • ron73440

      That’s why we won’t be able to vote our way out.

      I remember when John Boehner first became speaker of the house.

      He said “You shouldn’t judge us on what we get passed, you should judge us on what we get repealed.”

      *Spoiler Alert: They didn’t repeal a thing.

    • Sean

      I don’t understand (Canadian) politics, but seeing someone get fired sounds good to me.

      Go Convoy!

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        More and more good fallout from the convoy. The Tool was another feckless witling who pandered to the existing Overton Window instead of working to move the damned thing.

        He won’t be missed. Now hopefully Pierre Poilievre can at least act as Interim Leader and get in Castreau’s face as often as possible, preferably with Leslyn Lewis as his deputy so she can start every address to the Speaker with “Mr. Speaker, I, a true blackface, rise to ask the Prime Minister, a blackface LARPer, the following question:”

        Man, I’d pay real money for funny shit like that.

      • rhywun

        Your Parliament and our Congress seriously need a dose of the members telling each other exactly what they think of their opponents, a la England’s and many other countries’. Enough of this decorum shit.

  22. The Other Kevin

    We finally got a real snow storm today. Schools are closed, roads are bad, even Chick Fil A is closed.

    • Rebel Scum

      The real test is whether or not Waffle House can weather the weather.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Our last storm, it was the only thing still open.

        It was as cold inside as out.

    • Gender Traitor

      Yeah, we’re bracing ourselves for that one over here in SW OH. Just found out that if my employer closes our offices tomorrow, the WFHers will still have to WFH (barring a power outage.) ::Nelson laugh::

    • Mojeaux

      We were supposed to get all kinds of dumped on, but maybe got 3″. Big woop.

      • The Other Kevin

        That’s what happened the last “big snow” we were supposed to get. But this time they were right. So as accurate as flipping a coin.

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      People are panicking here. Depending on the temperatures, it could be rain, it could be ice, or it could be snow. *shrug*

      • Bobarian LMD

        We are getting freezing rain… they say.

      • R.J.

        Just some light rain so far. And most DFW schools already announced closures for two days. Aaaahh! Why?

      • Don escaped Texas

        wax up your Flexible Flyer and head to Cedar Hill

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        That’s a bit of a hike from Frisco. I may just take the kids down to the end of the street where they have a few mounds piled up from when they built the neighborhood.

        These are the times I miss the house in VA. Our backyard dropped 30ish feet before the tree line. Prime sledding so long as you bailed out before the brambles.

      • Don escaped Texas

        north TX is so flat, Collins County in particular, so Cedar HIll is as close as it gets

        there were some hills out at Tioga, but they’re at the bottom of Ray Roberts now

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      LOL. That one’s got to hurt a little.

  23. Aloysious

    It’s a two-fer. Mocking Old Pudding Head, as well as’fact’ checkers at the same time.
    Gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    Combat ready

    U.S. soldiers who refuse to get a COVID-19 vaccine will be immediately discharged, the U.S. Army said on Wednesday, saying the move was critical to maintain combat readiness

    The Army’s order applies to regular Army soldiers, active-duty Army reservists and cadets unless they have approved or pending exemptions, it said in a statement.

    The discharge order is the latest from a U.S. military branch removing unvaccinated service membersamid the pandemicafter the Pentagon made the vaccine mandatory for all service members in August 2021.

    Leadership. Honor.

    • Tundra

      Should make the upcoming war kind of interesting.

    • Rebel Scum

      unless they have approved or pending exemptions

      Have any even been approved?

      • Ownbestenemy

        No

    • ron73440

      Roughly 79 uniformed military personnel across the different services have died from the novel coronavirus.

      Definitely a crisis.

      And that’s not even asking “from” or “with”.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Let’s see their health prior to those deaths also

      • Raven Nation

        “roughly 79”

        *tears hair out* I hate when people write that. It can’t be roughly a specific number. It could be roughly 80, or it could be 79. I’d accept “the most recent records indicate 79…”

      • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

        Aren’t there something like 1000 training deaths/year?

      • Ownbestenemy

        We don’t talk about that…wait, can we label those also as COVID?

        We have updated our number to rougly (for you Raven) 1079 personnel have died.

      • Raven Nation

        *doffs cap to OBE*

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      critical to maintain combat readiness

      Utter horseshit. The White House is completely out of control and the DOD is bending the knee like the sellouts they are.

      • Lackadaisical

        Too be fair, if it is a lawful order from the CiC they should obey it.

        If it is unconstitutional, well that’s different.

    • rhywun

      So fucking stupid. And when the anointed members all give the plauge to each other anyway, what then? Will the brass admit the error of their ways?

      • Sean

        Will the brass admit the error of their ways?

        \

        You’re adorable.

      • rhywun

        I try.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Nope cause they will fall back on “any member that contracts COVID is protected or had a less chance of severe illness”

    • Certified Public Asshat

      I thought this was good:

      BREAKING: US Army to immediately discharge soldiers who aren’t vaccinated against COVID-19 – CNN— Breaking911 (@Breaking911) February 2, 2022

      • Certified Public Asshat

        And then 30 minutes later:

        BIDEN ORDERS 3,000 US TROOPS TO EASTERN EUROPE: "The United States will soon move additional forces to Romania, Poland and Germany," Pentagon press secretary John Kirby says. pic.twitter.com/uD0HyQnMnq— Breaking911 (@Breaking911) February 2, 2022

      • juris imprudent

        Most people have no idea how feeble a move that is, like 3000 soldiers is supposed to be a lot.

      • Ownbestenemy

        It is when you are placing them in an area that will allow you to cry foul when they get blown to smithereens and use as a catalyst for more troops and/or involvment.

    • Bobarian LMD

      The Army is in the midst of a manning crisis. We are going to fail our Recruiting mission by significant numbers. Retention has been exceedingly high, to the point of being unsustainable.

      Ignoring that the only person who can legally order someone to take an experimental treatment is the CiC while acting under mobilization authority, this is stupid and shortsighted.

    • Tundra

      Also neat.

      Brand new account. It has potential.

      • Sean

        Cool

    • ron73440

      Sad thing is, the facts of the case don’t matter.

      What are the politics of the judge?

      • rhywun

        Yeah, there is a lot of that going around.

      • Swiss Servator

        What you did…I observed it.

  25. DEG

    I like the fact checks.

    RE: Groundhog Day: Fauci has seen his shadow and there will be six more variants. Tomorrow when you wake up, it will be Groundhog Day again.

  26. Ghostpatzer

    Another Wednesday, another wonderful aborted lunch.

    “It’s going to be a great day, isn’t it?” Joe asked Finnegan. She nodded and mumbled to herself as she changed the dressing on his wounds, massaged his lower stomach to stimulate a bowel movement, and began feeding him dozens of pills.

    I eagerly await the publication of the Glib Guide To Rapid Weight Loss, featuring page after page of Joemala, H&H, and other assorted SF treasures. Read a chapter at each meal.

    • ron73440

      Today’s not even that bad, relatively speaking.

  27. Sean
    • The Bearded Hobbit

      I liked the croc socks and the pacifier but there’s a big NO WAY on the pants.

      BTW, only one chicken loaded.

    • Rebel Scum

      Someone is not afraid to ruffle a few feathers.

      • Ownbestenemy

        This is nothing to cluck at.

      • The Other Kevin

        Always cover your cock.

      • ron73440

        FOWL!

        I don’t want to crow, but I know eggzactly what you are doing.

      • Tundra

        Better fly the coop before Swissy gets here.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Can chickens even give narrowed gazes?

    • robodruid

      Please, no, wife had tried some of those.

  28. Ownbestenemy

    So CNN is stating it is ‘stunned’ but apparently Radar Online broke the story of who Jeff was sticking it to back on Jan 4…

    So why now? Why step down unless there is more to your consensual (I don’t care who you bang) relationship.

    • rhywun

      Yeah, something isn’t adding up. I mean, sure, I couldn’t get away with banging a subordinate but surely the Prez can because who else is he gonna bang.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Allison Gollust isn’t a timeless beauty but FFS, Zucker is one step up from Roger Ailes. Women sure do love themselves some power.

    • Q Continuum

      The girl he was fucking was Fredo’s comms director. My guess is he’s involved in some way with using the network and political connections to silence Fredo’s accusers.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Shut it down, he won for the day.

      • rhywun

        I don’t know if that tops “Caligula News Network”

      • Ownbestenemy

        Good call…maybe a draw.

      • juris imprudent

        That’s funny, I don’t care who you are.

  29. grrizzly

    I tried to get an antibody test done today. Got denied when I refused to put on a mask. They didn’t even seem crazy about masks when I was waiting for my appointment in the waiting room without one. But no mask, no test.

    • Ghostpatzer

      Not of the body, eh? It’s all Calvinball, there are no rules.

  30. Tundra
  31. juris imprudent

    Bold strategy Cotton

    Apparently, no one stopped to consider the fact that inviting a president whose strategy cost Democrats 63 seats and control of the House in 2010, his first off-year congressional election, might not be the ideal choice. It’s a little like asking Terry McAuliffe to offer advice on winning off-off-year elections.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Well when its Obama driving the bus, what did you expect? He is a shrewd politician that can’t read a room.

  32. juris imprudent

    Oh now isn’t this choice! It’s our proprietary secret!

    And you just never mind who we’ve been helping.

    • Ghostpatzer

      Models a proprietary secret? Works for climate, why not gerrymandering?

      • Not Adahn

        And of course, that’s assuming he actually used it.

        When Wallace initially cast his vote for the Democratic map on December 22, he said he said that his vote was based on based on balancing the selection of a Republican map a decade ago.

        “I decided to vote for the Democratic map, simply because in the last redistricting map it was drawn by the Republicans, Wallace stated. “Thus, I conclude that fairness dictates that the Democrats have the opportunity to have their map used for this next redistricting cycle.”

      • Lackadaisical

        Holy moly. Welcome to our fair and equitable future.

      • Lackadaisical

        …. And it gets worse:

        “some Democrats admitted that they received some extra help from two Princeton Gerrymandering Project staffers who were working for Wallace, Hannah Wheelan and Helen Brewer.

        “I got the sense that they really wanted us to win,” said a Democrat who was part of the Cherry Hill meetings. “The only reason I’m not mad is because we won.”

        [….]

        New Jersey’s redistricting commission, which has six Democrats, six Republicans, and a tiebreaker that was recommended to the Supreme Court by the Democrats.”

        I know it’s not normal for a judge to initiate an action, but maybe coding an imperial tie breaker is one thing that shouldn’t be left to the disputing parties.

      • slumbrew

        If it’s just “accept maps from each party in alternating turns”, why do they even need that guy?

    • rhywun

      A more advanced state like NY doesn’t bother with any “commission” nonsense. We just have the Dems draw the most outrageously partisan map they can conceive while they ask “what are you gonna do about it?”

  33. Not Adahn

    I read some of the contents under Gordilock’s article. I didn’t know there was so much lead paint left.

    • Tundra

      They were awful.

      How the fuck do we coexist with people like that?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Social Media is the modern-day Maginot Line

      • Lackadaisical

        I take a strange solace knowing they think the same thing.

  34. Not Adahn

    A friend told me she thought that the convoy wasn’t getting coverage because it wasn’t in the US.

    Remember when a few hundred people protested in London with a BABY TRUMP BLIMP and there was wall-to-wall coverage here?

    • Ownbestenemy

      Or our new model of press is “if we don’t cover it, it never happened and we can frame the narrative to our idiot listeners/watchers”

    • Tundra

      *applause*

  35. hayeksplosives

    I’m late to the party, but that was an excellent addition to the Joemala canon.