The Twink in the North

by | Feb 9, 2022 | SugarFree | 320 comments

 

Heavy lies the crown of the Boy-King, Justin the Supple, The Twink in the North.

*HONK HONK*

Courtiers cooed and fluttered around him as he brooded, ministers made plans in hoarse whispers, courtesans swooned. Justin ran a jeweled fist under his chin.

*HONK HONK*

“Were they not told a court has ruled that they shall no longer…” Justin swallowed forcefully, “Honk?” He wanted to spit the taste of the word from his mouth.

*HONK HONK*

“They were, Most Gracious,” his Grand Vizier said, eyes downcast. His bald pate was sheened in sweat.

*HONK HONK*

“And, yet,” Justin mumbled. He sighed heavily and waved toward the Mounties guarding the door. “Let them in,” he told them.

*HONK HONK*

The reporter rushed into the room like excited puppies, clambering over one another to reach the King. “Justin! Justin! What are you going to do about the honking? The honking, Justin!” one yelled. “Why aren’t they being towed, Justin?” another asked. “Where is the military? Call in the military! Does Canada have no missiles, no bombs?!?” shouted another.

*HONK HONK*

“Please, my pets, calm yourselves,” Justin said. “I have done what I can to this point. I have called these men Russian spies, American spies, and Americans, and racist Nazis and homophobes, transphobes, biphobes, bigots, sexists, misogynists, xenophobes, incels, and unmutual nogoodniks. If I, the proud product of a druggie whore and the Hero of Cuba cannot sway them, who can?”

*HONK HONK*

“Cut off their fuel supplies!” “TOW THEM! TOW THEM!” “Pull their licenses to operate! End all commercial trucking!” “TRUMP!” they screamed.

*HONK HONK*

“Have you given any consideration to ending the mandates and restrictions?” one reporter asked.

*HONK HONK*

Justin squinted. In their obsequiousness, they all looked the same. Ah, that one, he thought. He motioned to his headsman to take the fool away.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

320 Comments

  1. Tonio

    Beautiful. Fooking beautiful.

  2. kinnath

    Thank you for this diversion on a Wednesday.

  3. WTF

    Awesome

  4. Not Adahn

    Proofreading:

    reporter rushed into the room like excited puppies,

    Also I’m getting a real Pilate/Barabbas vibe here.

    • db

      I dreamed–I met a simple trucker
      A most amazing man
      He made that sound, you very rarely hear
      Honking–torture to the ear

      I asked him to say what had happened
      How it all began
      I asked again
      He never said a word
      Just honked, as if I hadn’t heard

      And next, the town was full
      Of loud and honking trucks
      They seemed to honk at me!
      They honked at me and then
      They honked again

      Then I saw thousands of millions
      Honking along with them
      And then I heard them mentioning my name
      And leaving me the blame

      • kinnath

        Awesome.

      • kinnath

        I knew that. Hence, awesome.

      • db

        Thanks!

  5. Not Adahn

    “Cut off their fuel supplies!” “TOW THEM! TOW THEM!” “Pull their licenses to operate! End all commercial trucking!” “TRUMP!”

    😛

  6. ron73440

    Got security cameras in the north too, I see.

    I have done what I can to this point. I have called these men Russian spies, American spies, and Americans, and racist Nazis and homophobes, transphobes, biphobes, bigots, sexists, misogynists, xenophobes, incels, and unmutual nogoodniks.

    What else could he be expected to do?

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      They have bouncy castles, pizza ovens, and plinko games. Next thing you know they’ll have bags games. (cornhole) These monsters must be stopped.

  7. db

    I guess it’s not a terrorist threat if you’re undermining public trust in the governments of other countries…

  8. Scruffy Nerfherder

    *applause*

  9. Yusef drives a Kia

    ” Ah, that one,” Definitely a Glib,

  10. Translucent Chum

    Bravo!

    The Twink in Da Norf! Poutine in trenchers. The Windsor Ballet. Casks of Maplefire.

    So many ideas if this goes on.

  11. Lackadaisical

    This didn’t ruin my lunch, I demand a refund and an eldritch horror.

  12. Fourscore

    Current Events, perfect, SF, you captured the moment.

    The mission statement of the truckers includes “To piss off the Big Guy” and they are doing a great job. At some point he’ll realize that Canadians need truckers far more than the Ottawa politicians.

    Now do the US, SF, we have to play catch up.

  13. UnCivilServant

    Riddle me this – under what grounds can the police issue a “move this car or it will be impounded” threat to a vehicle in a legal parking spot?

    And why would they ignore the cameroa that was abandoned for far longer?

    Did someone call them to try and get me out of my spot?

    • ron73440

      Are they plowing?

      Or is it the ubiquitous FYTW clause?

      • UnCivilServant

        The roads are too clear to plow. My car hadn’t moved because they’d plowed it in and I couldn’t break up the ice that resulted.

    • pistoffnick the refusnik

      Wichita had a city ordinance that said cars couldn’t be parked for longer than 24 hours in the same spot, unless it was inside a garage. This included your driveway or your backyard.

      • Rebel Scum

        This included your driveway or your backyard.

        Seems legit.

      • l0b0t

        Cape Coral, Florida… pickup trucks, trailered boats, or any vehicle with commercial livery may not be parked overnight in any driveway or yard within city limits.

      • UnCivilServant

        And the people drew and quartered the city council, repealing the stupid law.

        Right?

      • Sean

        Yeah, that’s some bullshit right there.

    • l0b0t

      In NYC, it’s seven days. The catch is, NYPD has to come and chalk the tires every day for a week (they will NOT come out to do so unless you posses the political juice to compel them) to see if the vehicle moved. If the vehicle moves, even a fraction of an inch, the clock resets.

      • UnCivilServant

        No chalk marks, just and orange sticker on the window that doesn’t come off cleanly.

    • UnCivilServant

      In the category of “This fucking day…” I also managed to break my ice scraper trying to disinterr my car.

      Maybe I should have let them impound it. At least then the cops would have had to dig it out for me.

      • Not Adahn

        I’m amazed at how shitty the ice scrapers are up here, I guess because there’s not a lot of ice.

        The ones in OK were 3/8″ Lexan.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    “Cut off their fuel supplies!” “TOW THEM! TOW THEM!” “Pull their licenses to operate! End all commercial trucking!”

    Was it The Way of the Gun which featured the girl goading her boyfriend to kick somebody’s ass in the parking lot? I believe it was.

    How did that turn out?

    • Jerms

      Great movie

      • EvilSheldon

        Indeed. Especially because Ryan Phillippe really did punch out Sarah Silverman during the first take of that scene.

      • Jerms

        Really?

      • EvilSheldon

        Really.

        Apparently he felt really bad about it and apologized over and over again, which is a little disappointing. But it did happen.

        Great movie on its own merits, too.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Riddle me this – under what grounds can the police issue a “move this car or it will be impounded” threat to a vehicle in a legal parking spot?

    Something to do with plowing, perhaps?

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      Hey! What UCS does to his car is between him and his car!

    • Fourscore

      Odds and Evens? Calendar days, I dunno but would guess if you never moved our car for a couple weeks someone would call the city wrecker and report an abandoned car. Unless you live in the inner city.

      I hear reports of stripped cars left on the street. Here folks just abandon them in their own front yard and called them landscaping decor.

      • UnCivilServant

        It hasn’t even been a week. Tomorrow it would have been a fully week since I’d last moved.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    I wonder if anybody has had the effrontery to point out his refusal to communicate (much less negotiate) might have had an adverse effect on the situation.

    • SugarFree

      He can’t look weak. Why the rabble might rise up for every affront.

      • EvilSheldon

        He can’t look weak.

        And yet, here we are.

        One of your finest, SF.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Trudy appears to be utterly disconnected from reality.

      I imagine that he has received a stern warning from DC not to capitulate, because if the truckers win in Canada it will embolden a similar attempt here.

      See also the recent DHS memo stating that misinformation is a tool of terrorists. They’re getting very frightened in DC and letting everyone know how they view the situation.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      Why would he negotiate with Nazi terrorist insurrectionist Nazis?

  17. SugarFree

    “Cut off their fuel supplies!” “TOW THEM! TOW THEM!” “Pull their licenses to operate! End all commercial trucking!”

    I must admit, these are all gleaned from the comments section on a Slate article about the protests. And the calls to bring in the military.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      comments section on a Slate article

      No wonder why you’re “touched”. Why seek out purgatory like that?

      • SugarFree

        I must keep my bile levels high, for the sake of my art.

    • Old Man With Candy

      There is nothing more violent than the pent-up violence of a Canadian. It’s like a pipe bomb, it’s the confinement of the explosive which creates the lethality.

      • hayeksplosives

        That explains hockey.

    • rhywun

      End all commercial trucking!

      My favorite one.

      • SugarFree

        See, it’s OK to fire all those truckers because trucking is unskilled and anyone can do it. (Seriously the argument a bunch of them used.)

        I wanted to send that article to Gordy, but I didn’t want him to stroke out.

      • Not Adahn

        Just decree that self-driving truck are now permitted required. Poof! Done.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        The fun part is when they do that, the next time they try to regulate the trucking industry the monocle wearing trucking tycoon will simply direct all the self-driving trucks to blockade the capitol.

      • Not Adahn

        I just assumed they’d mandate a LE accessible back door into the controls.

      • UnCivilServant

        “I’m sorry but the law enforcement account appears to be locked. Can we get the answers to your questions, your MFA code and a sample of vitreous fluid for verification?”

      • J. Frank Parnell

        More likely the LE account will just have a default password (“Password1!”) which can’t be changed.

      • rhywun

        We need to send all the troublesome urban intellectuals out to the country to farm truck.

        Problem solved.

      • DEG

        Pol Pot too.

      • Nephilium

        But who would change the flat tires for them?

      • Tres Cool

        Im trying so hard to think of a Robbie joke…but its kinda already made itself.

    • Certified Public Asshat

      My guess would have been Jalopnik, which is now 100% a car enthusiast site read by people who hate cars.

      • R.J.

        So true.

  18. Animal

    What a long, strange trip it’s been.

    • pistoffnick the refusnik

      Truckin, like the do-dah man.
      once told me youve got to play your hand
      Sometimes your cards aint worth a dime,
      if you dont layem down,

  19. DEG

    “Have you given any consideration to ending the mandates and restrictions?” one reporter asked.

    *HONK HONK*

    Justin squinted. In their obsequiousness, they all looked the same. Ah, that one, he thought. He motioned to his headsman to take the fool away.

    How did that one get through the vetting? I think the headsman has more work to do.

    • SugarFree

      Russia, obviously.

    • Not Adahn

      “The person responsible for beheading the traitors, has been beheaded.”

    • rhywun

      Wow. I had no idea there was any meat to that rumor.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Oh yeah. Maggie was a grade A slut.

        What I find amazing is that Pierre got a piece of Margot Kidder.

      • Drake

        Not even a doubt.

    • Not Adahn

      But if he were, wouldn’t he be better at being a dictator?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Not without his real dad guiding him.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The West thinks it can pull off totalitarianism with nudges and minor coercion. They’ve been boiling the frog ever so slowly, but COVID encouraged them to turn the heat up too high.

        Trudy isn’t emotionally or mentally equipped for the bloodiness that his daddy understood was required. Yet.

    • db

      I was just wondering about the source of this allegation earlier.

      • SugarFree

        It really ramped up when he was blubbering at Castro’s funeral.

      • db

        One would think that if you were trying to debunk something like this, you’d want to try to explain the presence of Trudeau’s parents on an “undisclosed island” in the the middle of their trip around the Carribbean, when all of their other stops on that trip were publicly announced.

    • grrizzly

      The key point in this article is that Pierre Trudeau was likely infertile. All right, let’s assume that Fidel was Justin’s father. But who fathered the two younger siblings of Justin? That cannot be Fidel; they were born before the second meeting of Castro and the Trudeaus in 1976.

      • UnCivilServant

        The two key points were Pierre was shooting blanks and Margaret was a bit of a… loose woman. Who knows what other partners she had.

      • SugarFree

        She slept with half of The Rolling Stones, and god knows how many other randos.

      • rhywun

        Mom got around.

    • DEG

      I never knew about the personal trips. I knew about the official trip, which timing doesn’t line up right for Castro to be Justin Trudeau’s father. If that unnamed island is Cuba, I’ll buy Castro is Trudeau’s father.

    • R C Dean

      I’d bet $100 of my own money on the DNA test.

      • db

        Me too, after reading this and looking at those photos.

      • grrizzly

        Justin’s generic DNA test would be sufficient. A 23andme test shows to which ethnic groups you belong. If it’s about 50% France then Pierre is the father. If 50% of it comes from Spain then it’s Fidel.

      • R C Dean

        23andme now shows likely relatives (if they or close relatives are in the databases). It has caused no end of grief for adoptive (and biological) families, in vitro fertilization kids, etc.

      • db

        I have a friend who thought her sister was the product of her mom’s infidelity, but was pleased to find out otherwise when 23andMe suggested her sister as a close relative with a close enough match to make that highly improbable, although it was known that both her mother and father had had affairs.

      • Animal

        A year or so before the Old Man died my sisters got together and had the whole family (Mom, Dad, us five kids) go through the 23andMe thing.

        We’re cool.

      • hayeksplosives

        My husband had some doubts about the parentage of his youngest son, but AncestryDNA showed that all was well.

        His other concern was that his sister, who was 16 when he was born, might have been his mom. We haven’t had the opportunity to get a test that would show that, and we don’t plan to do so. The people who raised him as his parents are likely just that, even though his mother wasted no opportunity to let him know that he was unplanned and had really messed up their life plans when he showed up.

        After dealing with that family, I can see why he had issues. At least he and his sister have a good relationship now.

      • Jerms

        Buddy of mine just found out he has a daughter and a granddaughter through 23 and me. Hes 60 years old and barely remembers the mom.

      • Animal

        Some years back I remember reading about study done in the UK on genetic links in family trees. The geneticist in charge of the whole thing refused to release the results, as “…the amount of casual bastardy in Britain proved to be truly shocking,” and he didn’t want to stir up trouble.

      • robc

        IIRC, another study showed it was possibly as high as 20% in Liverpool.

      • Necron 99

        I am avoiding that, past indiscretions need to stay in the past.

  20. Tundra

    Ah, that one, he thought. He motioned to his headsman to take the fool away.

    Sublime. Thanks, SF!

  21. The Late P Brooks

    He can’t look weak.

    That train left the barn and sailed over the horizon a long time ago.

  22. robodruid

    a great read

  23. The Late P Brooks

    See, it’s OK to fire all those truckers because trucking is unskilled and anyone can do it. (Seriously the argument a bunch of them used.)

    Let Doordash do it.

    • Rebel Scum

      because trucking is unskilled

      Also: farmer, automotive tech., carpenter, etc.

      • UnCivilServant

        Shit, my main reason I don’t look at RVs is because of the hassle of trying to move such an oversized vehicle through traffic and local roads.

        Unskilled is office jobs. There’s no skill required to do my job, just a bunch of useless knowledge and a tolerance for bullshit.

      • robodruid

        + 1 drone Standard Form.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        I could stick my wife (no formal training in any relevant study) at my desk and let her try to do my job. Except for meetings, I doubt they’d figure out what’s going on inside of a year.

      • Not Adahn

        Except for meetings

        Put a thumbprint on the lens, and she could do the meetings too.

      • UnCivilServant

        “Something’s off with your voice, trashy, did you get a new microphone?”

      • Not Adahn

        How DARE you! I’m genderfluid! Somedays I present as male, and some days as female! I’m filing a complaint!

      • UnCivilServant

        “For our next order of business – Reduction in Force.”

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        “For our next order of business – Reduction in Force.”

        At my company, everybody would be fired who dare question my gender fluids. Thankfully we haven’t gone down the pronoun rabbit trail yet, but it’s coming, I’m sure.

      • Tundra

        It’s job for Dick Slashballs!

      • Spudalicious

        I miss Dick Slashballs.

  24. Rebel Scum

    Justin the Supple

    Impotent tyrants are the worst.

    • Tres Cool

      Impotence is what makes them angry in the 1st place.

  25. Warty

    HONK

    • pistoffnick the refusnik

      I would like to announce that I identify as a Peterbuilt 389. My pronouns are: HONK!/honky.

      That is all.

      • Tres Cool

        Sometimes, when I identify as Michael Jackson, my pronouns are He/Hee

  26. db

    I just made, and am now consuming, one of the great Statesmen of the Sandwich World, the B.L.T.

    • Certified Public Asshat

      Lukewarm take: BLT is a top 5 sandwich.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Hmm, not spicy enough. Top 3 sandwiches: BLT, club, beef and horseradish.

      • Not Adahn

        *Ruben pulls out a machete*

      • db

        My Top 3 are Reuben, BLT, and maybe a nice roast beef and Swiss.

        Special mention goes out for PBJ, and maybe a M.L.T, when the mutton is nice and lean…

      • Certified Public Asshat

        I did shamefully drop crab cake sandwich from my top 3. In my defense, I would rather eat one not in a sandwich.

      • DEG

        Reuben, Beef on Weck, Cubano.

      • Mojeaux

        1. Reuben
        2. roast beef and Swiss on sourdough
        3. BK sausage, egg, and cheese croissanwich

      • Mojeaux

        I forgot Greek gyro.

      • Tundra

        Hot pastrami on rye. At a kosher deli. Served by a waitress with a thick Jersey accent.

      • ron73440

        There is a place about 45 minutes from my house that made the best rueben.

        Homemade sauerkraut and homemade thousand island.

        Drove there one day when I was hungry and was told they no longer make a rueben.

        I almost cried.

        #firstworldproblems

      • Mojeaux

        Sucks when you’ve got your mouth set for something.

        Worst Reuben I ever had was in NYC. They put YELLOW MUSTARD on it!

        Now, I like mustard. No, LOVE it. But not on a Reuben.

      • db

        I was in Waco, TX, and had a “Philly Cheese Steak” at a dive restaurant near the Baylor campus. They put yellow mustard on it, along with a heaping helping of E. coli, which had me spewing out both ends for 3 days, sleeping in the bathroom of my room at the Residence Inn.

      • db

        Oh, that’s disastrous. I felt that in my gut. We’re here for you, man.

      • ron73440

        That sandwich was so good, I made myself hungry typing about it.

    • Not Adahn

      The secret is the mayonnaise.

      • EvilSheldon

        Yes!

    • Tundra

      8 ounces of NY Strip.

    • db

      Thick cut smokehouse bacon, thick cut beefy red tomato, red/green romaine lettuce, Hellmann’s mayo on toasted Italian white bread.

      heaven

      • Tulip

        Yes, it’s one of the joys of gardening, to make a blt with homegrown lettuce and tomatoes. I end up eating them over the sink because of the juice running down my arm.

      • db

        Sounds wonderful. I’m hoping to actually get my garden going this spring. Going to start peppers and tomatoes soon so they’re ready…

      • Tulip

        Yes, I’ll start stuff in early March.

      • pistoffnick the refusnik

        WITH CRISPY BACON! RIGHT? Right?

      • db

        I’m more a fan of bacon that doesn’t shatter when I bite down, and that has crispy edges on the fat, but still retains some chewiness.

      • Mojeaux

        I thought I knew you.

      • db

        I’m shocked. I thought you and I agreed on this.

      • Mojeaux

        crrrrrriiiiiiiissssssspppppeeeeeeee to the point of almost-burnt. But not burnt.

      • ron73440

        I agree with Moj, 100%.

      • db

        de gustibus non disputandum est

      • ron73440

        de gustibus non disputandum est

        I was watching a guy make mashed potatoes once, and he was describing the many ways for mashed potaoes to be done: creamy, lumpy, wet, dry, whipped ect, ect.

        He concluded with the fact that the only ones who were truly wrong were the ones who thought their way was the best way for everyone.

      • Mojeaux

        Ooh, and Chili’s leaves potato-skin bits in theirs. I like that, but I wouldn’t dare do that for Thanksgiving.

      • ron73440

        I do mine with little red potatoes in it with the skin still on.

      • db

        The best potato salad I’ve ever had was made by my grandmother–it was very mayo- and sour cream-heavy, no potato peels, with celery and celery seed, onion, hard boiled egg…

        But I do really like potato salads with skins as well. But I lean more toward the mayo-forward rather mustard-heavy versions.

      • kinnath

        No mustard in potato salad.

      • kinnath

        Bacon should be crispy.

        Bacon in a sandwich should break off when you bite it so that you don’t pull it out of the sandwich and burn your lower lip when it flops down.

      • db

        You have to cook it to the point where it isn’t floppy, but doesn’t dry out either. You need to be able to have the fat be juicy.

        To achieve this, you must remove the bacon from the frying pan just before it looks actually done the way you want it. Cooking bacon is a precision endeavor.

      • ron73440

        I bake it on the broiler tray.

        I also learned the hard way about removing it before it was done.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Frying pan? Bacon in the oven is the only way to go. More consistent and even, easier to get crispy without overdoing, less mess, less need to baby it. You are already taking years off your life eating the bacon, no need to take years off from the frustration of cooking it too.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Hellmann’s mayo

        You mean Best Foods? *runs away laughing*

      • EvilSheldon

        My local Fresh Market has both Hellman’s and Best Foods mayo. Every time I go there, I have to fight the urge to interlace the shelves…

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Become ungovernable

    • R C Dean

      The top 5 needs to include the hamburger.

      My top 5 also includes the Cuban.

      My guilty pleasure sandwich is the Elvis (bacon, bananas, and peanut butter), which I suddenly have a craving for.

      • pistoffnick the refusnik

        A French Dip should be on the list

      • pistoffnick the refusnik

        *jokingly referred to as “Le Macron”

      • Nephilium

        One of the local unhealthy (but delicious) places sometimes (monthly special) does an Elvis with some sweet cream cheese that they then batter and deep fry, served with a side of strawberry jelly. They also do a deep fried Monte Cristo.

        I’m still hunting for the best Cubano in the Cleveland area.

      • db

        Oh, is that where Justin Trudeau is hiding out?

      • EvilSheldon

        I would submit that a hamburger is a hamburger, not a sandwich, at least for purposes of comparison. You shouldn’t be trying to decide between a hamburger and a Reuben, you should be having one of each.

      • db

        I agree. I love burgers, but didn’t include them in my consideration of Sandwiches. I also love open faced sandwiches, but similarly discount them in the discussion.

      • Compelled Speechless

        The Elvis sounds great. I always love trying new and unconventional food pairings. Further proof that both bacon and peanut butter improve any food.

  27. UnCivilServant

    Well, since I just broke my ol $14.99 ice scraper/snow brush combo I got from KMart in 2007, does anyone have recommendations on a high quality replacement not made in China?

    • Tres Cool

      You’ve been to two smithing classes. Forge one.

    • Tundra

      Get a Frost Blocker. Then you won’t need the fucking scraper.

    • Sensei

      You made me check. Only thing I could find was this with most certainly bimodal reviews.

      Interesting concept. You make a hole with the scraper part and after that use essentially a funnel. No idea if it works or not, I watch one video where it was chewing off the ice nicely while comments said it was crap.

      https://scrapercone.com/collections/all

    • pistoffnick the refusnik

      I used to have a frost scraper with a brass blade. The brass is soft enough to not scratch the glass, yet pliable enough to match the curvature of the window. I haven’t been able to find another for years.

      • UnCivilServant

        I found a bunch, but they appear to be cheap chinese crap with quality control issues.

    • Drake

      Upgrade to a flamethrower?

      • Animal

        I wouldn’t recommend that.

        (Makes a note to write up that Allamakee County tale)

      • Not Adahn

        Yeah, you can damage your wiper blades that way.

    • JG43

      Any Bon Jovi CD will work

  28. R C Dean

    If I, the proud product of a druggie whore and the Hero of Cuba cannot sway them, who can?

    This week’s favorite.

    • Tres Cool

      A couple days ago I had to explain to my best friend about JT’s questionable heritage. He’s a mechanical engineer, with his PE.
      I also had to point out that Pierre Trudeau, power hungry during Le Crise d’Octobre, was his assigned Father. He had no idea.
      Id think I need better friends, but he’s a solid dude that’s always been there for me. Plus, I bailed him out of jail when he got caught with a “hooker” that was really a vice cop.

      I didnt stick around when I dropped him off to his wife. This is why we’re Glibs.

  29. limey

    Boris announces the lifting of restrictions “a full month early”.

    A month early/two years too late. Potayto/Potahto.

    • Not Adahn

      Can’t he retroactively end the restrictions, that way all the parties become kosher?

      • UnCivilServant

        And admit being wrong?

        Not a chance.

        In similar news, Kathy has decided to let her illegal order lapse for normal businesses.

      • UnCivilServant

        (It’s official now)

      • Not Adahn

        But… if the restrictions were annulled, then they never existed in the first place… and the Queen can annul things as head of the CoE…

      • rhywun

        NYC is “expected” to impose one of its own. As if I give a shit. I’m done.

    • Sensei

      Party at Downing Street!

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      He’s avoiding the Ottawa outcome.

      DC is doubling down and making threats.

  30. Rebel Scum

    This guy can’t catch a break.

    Armed police raid the home of Pastor Artur Pawlowski, the morning he was scheduled to speak to the truckers.

    I just spoke with Artur’s son. The raid was done by an undercover SWAT team that had staked out the home.

    We are crowdfunding his lawyers.

    Serves that terrorist right.

    • Not Adahn

      Religious fanatic! And not the good kind!

    • R C Dean

      A moron writing an article about a moron. Fitting.

      • ron73440

        Out of curiosity I found and read that article.

        I immediately regret that decision.

        The subtitle:

        He was raised in jet-set privilege but overcame tragedy to become Canada’s prime minister. Is he the free world’s best hope?

        I hope the author was able to get the stain off of his nose.

        That was every bit as fawning as what the “press” would write about Obama.

    • Fatty Bolger

      So do they use that to lift the Starship, then put the booster under it?

      • db

        Booster is on the pad already, then the “chopsticks” will lift the ship on top of the booster. Then the chopsticks are actually supposed to catch the booster when it flies back to the pad.

      • Fatty Bolger

        When do they expect to get clearance from the FAA to actually fly the thing?

      • db

        Not sure. From what I understand, a few weeks ago there was a question about certifying the liquid methane storage tanks at the LC that was holding things up, but I’m not sure if that’s been resolved.

  31. The Late P Brooks

    Get a Frost Blocker. Then you won’t need the fucking scraper.

    I don’t know what a frost blocker is, but if you Rain-X your windows, it’s a lot easier to get the ice off them.

    • Certified Public Asshat

      I just park in a garage like a king.

      • Not Adahn

        Yup.

      • Tundra

        Sure, you people with your little cars. My truck won’t fit in this tiny CO garage.

        Some houses here don’t even have garages!?! It’s a wonderful place, but seriously, would it kill you to build an oversized three car garage?

      • Not Adahn

        Wen I lived in Bryan (TX) I had a house with a “garage.” I mean, it was a non-climate controlled enclosure with a roll-up door on the front attached to the house, but it was so shallow that I that to manually push the Z3 in to get the garage door closed without damaging the car or the walls.

        Considering that the house was built in the ’50s, I have no idea what you were supposed to store in it. Kettle grills and bicycles, maybe?

      • kinnath

        I have a three-car garage. It has my 350Z inside. The rest is too full of crap to allow the other vehicles to be parked inside.

      • Tundra

        In my old three car garage I fit a Passat, big-assed F-150, Spitfire and Beetle.

        Garage Tetris is a fun game.

      • Not Adahn

        One side: Car

        Other side: Dog habitat, workbench, snowblower, trash cans.

      • UnCivilServant

        That requires owning a garage you can afford to waste on a car.

        Are you going to fund my new house?

      • Drake

        What possessions more valuable than your car do you store in the garage?

      • UnCivilServant

        The workshop? A lot of stuff that can’t withstand the weather and will walk off if left outside?

      • Certified Public Asshat

        What are you talking about, you are supposed to park a car in a garage. I have a shed for my tools and workshop.

        And your house is your problem. If I am saying anything, it’s that I would not buy a house without a garage.

      • UnCivilServant

        Not everyone is made of money.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        My house with a garage cost less than my house without a garage.

        My secret is I found a job that paid more in a lower cost of living area.

      • Lackadaisical

        Ancient Chinese secret.

      • Not Adahn

        When I was living in Austin, I garaged my car at home and had a parking garage at work. In TX you need to do that to prevent your paint from subliming off.

      • Ted S.

        And the hail storms. At least, that’s what my niece was told when she moved down to Texas after college.

      • Not Adahn

        And no matter what you do, the digestive juices from crushed bugs will etch the paint off of the leading surfaces.

    • Rebel Scum

      I just start the car with the blowers on the windows and rear defroster on.

      • UnCivilServant

        I can just see that freezing to the window on the underside and then getting covered with more ice and snow.

      • Tundra

        Well, I can assure you that after many Minnesota winter mornings that happened exactly zero times.

      • UnCivilServant

        Thar’s your problem, you stayed below freezing too long.

      • kinnath

        We have those.

        Even in freezing rain, they can be peeled of the windshield with ease.

        Our come with two covers for the side view mirrors.

        They are a “must have” if you need to park outdoors.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Thanks Tundra! it’s the ice that pisses me off, These should help a lot.

  32. Jerms

    Hearing you took some of that stuff out of the comment section just makes this even better.

  33. The Late P Brooks

    I used to have a frost scraper with a brass blade. The brass is soft enough to not scratch the glass, yet pliable enough to match the curvature of the window. I haven’t been able to find another for years.

    Same here. That thing was awesome.

  34. ron73440

    Republicans in VA are trying. but Democrats still control the display text

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      The Senate is going to stop anything it can, which is almost everything.

    • ron73440

      It’s supposed to say “Senate” not “display text”.

      • Not Adahn

        He who controls the display text controls the agenda.

      • db

        You can’t stop the display text.

    • Rebel Scum

      “The bad guys with the guns are not going to follow these ordinances,” Chase said. “I think that’s a very naive view to think that if you take the guns away from the good guys that it is going to reduce crime, as we have seen in the City of Richmond.”

      What a dangerous true thing for my senator to say.

      In defense of keeping the decision-making power with localities, Morrissey said, “Those closest to the governed, govern best.”

      Leftists really love to torture this Jefferson quote. In this case those closest to the governed violate the constitution best.

      Speaking to the committee on zoom, a member of Moms Demand Action said the policy gives her peace of mind. She said, “That firearms are not allowed in these places, along with libraries, rec centers and other sensitive spaces, makes our family and our community safer from gun violence.”

      It makes these places soft targets. So the opposite is true.

      “I think it is more important that we save lives and that everyone operate within the same set of guidelines in Virginia instead of people trying to evade them,” Ebbin said in response to that criticism.

      Then we should have universal respect for Article 1, Section 13, you cunte.

      • R C Dean

        In defense of keeping the decision-making power with localities, Morrissey said, “Those closest to the governed, govern best.”

        Every time that shite opened his yap to support some increase in state power, I would cram that down his piehole.

      • R C Dean

        “That firearms are not allowed in these places, along with libraries, rec centers and other sensitive spaces, makes our family and our community safer from gun violence.”

        “So your family is safer in the “gun-free” zones where mass shootings occur? OK, lady.”

      • l0b0t

        We know of some horrific mass shootings that have been perpetuated with what are called ghost guns and they are being sold in Virginia over the internet…” Ebbin said.

        Sure, Jan.

      • R C Dean

        Name one.

      • ron73440

        It is known, RC.

        There is no need for your violent rhetoric here.

      • Lackadaisical

        Moms demand action?

        Sounds like a porno title.

  35. Ghostpatzer

    Most excellent, SF. *HONK HONK*

  36. Not Adahn
    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      He’s a bright one, he is.

    • db

      That’s the kind of language they use when they’re on the cusp of rounding up a bunch of people as conspirators…

      • Lackadaisical

        That’s the feeling I’m getting too.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Yep.

    • Rebel Scum

      The jerry can jihadis are relentless.

      • Not Adahn

        This is another example where Canucki is different from English. Because those are most assuredly NOT Jerry Cans.

      • db

        Correct. I once read an article about Jerrycans and the origins and purposes of some very specific design features of them, some of which were copied by the US. From what I recall, original German cans were highly prized in WWII because they held up to abuse far better than ones supplied by the US, until the US wisely copied the German design.

      • Not Adahn

        Lemme tell you, when you’re the 11 year old tenderfoot who’s been assigned the duty of gathering water for the camp. Jerry cans suuuuuuck.

      • db

        They’re practically carrying incendiary devices right out in the open, without an Antifa permit!

    • EvilSheldon

      Yes, compared to the counterintelligence capabilities of the typical urban police force, a bunch of dudes carrying empty fuel cans is the fucking Canadian Caper.

      • UnCivilServant

        They can’t grasp emergant order. The possibility that all these people independantly decided to show solidarity by confusing the ability to disrupt the protest, thus joining the protest in their own, decentalized way

      • db

        That’s a very good point. Without the comforting notion of Leadership, those fools cannot understand anything of the real world. It’s a real failure of their world view.

    • Gender Traitor

      “Almost 25 per cent of the 418 trucks encamped in our city have children in them, children who could be at risk during a police operation,” he said.

      Sounds to me as if maybe the police should refrain from operating, then. For the children.

      • Tundra

        Sounds like a fucking threat to me.

        Hey cops, it’s time to resign you fucking pinheads!

      • R C Dean

        Sounds like a fucking threat to me.

        #metoo. I’d love to see one of the truckers respond as if it were. “Can you believe the Trudeau administration is now threatening to sic their cops on our children? Have you no decency, eh?

      • Plinker762

        Government agents have no problem with roasting children.

      • Lackadaisical

        If it saves just one child…

      • Compelled Speechless

        Taking the children isn’t a threat, it’s nobly saving them from the clutches of terrorists!

      • db

        Appropriately enough in several dimensions, I’ll reference Elian Gonzalez here.

    • EvilSheldon

      If you find yourself a girl willing to get down in an ice fishing shanty, you know you got a keeper.

      • pistoffnick the refusnik

        Gettin’ jiggy wit’ it!

        *shakes wedding tackle furiously*

      • Swiss Servator

        Welp. That I did not need.

      • The Hyperbole

        pistoffnick is just making up for the relatively tame fare from SF this week.

      • SugarFree

        I’ll work in some more asswiping next week just for you.

      • Spudalicious

        Come on, Swiss. A little trolling and you could get a real keeper.

    • Tundra

      Well, that would certainly make it more interesting.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      The world’s most pressing problems….

      • Not Adahn

        And worse, prostitution can lead to dancing!

        /Baptist

      • Compelled Speechless

        It sounds like you’ve got a pretty solid outline started for a sequel to Footloose. Footloose 2: Swinging with the Fishes.

    • Ghostpatzer

      Yessir, we got trouble
      Right here in River City
      With a capital “P”…

    • ron73440

      The mayor sounds a little nuts, and they bring up a claim he made about the school board having child porn.

      It wasn’t child porn, but the author says this:

      The book, “642 Things to Write About,” had been used in the district for five years prior to the controversy. Some of the prompts were criticized as inappropriate; they included “write a sex scene you wouldn’t show your mom” and “describe a time when you wanted to orgasm but couldn’t.”

      “Some of the prompts were criticized as inappropriate”

      Why would anyone want their kid writing about this and then letting a teacher read it?!?

      • Not Adahn

        The Teacher: the subject of schoolgirl fantasy…

      • R C Dean

        “write a sex scene you wouldn’t show your mom”

        They’re practically begging for it.

        “Miss Smithers slowly unbuttoned her blouse, her nose right glinting in the afternoon sun. The Che Guevara tattoo between her breasteses was slowly revealed . . . . “

      • pistoffnick the refusnik

        Go on…

      • db

        I know that when I was in high school, several of us would have written stories about the Principal taking sexual advantage of the assigning teacher if we received such an assignment. Just put that teacher in the most degrading circumstances possible. These days, you could even get all indignant about being kink-shamed if they tried to give you a bad grade.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Oh stop it you prude. This is just healthy exploration of child sexuality in a safe space. Nobody would ever use this to sexually abuse their students, manipulate them, or otherwise indoctrinate them into deviant worldviews.

      • ron73440

        I know, I’m the crazy one.

        Have I ever mentioned how much I hate teachers?

  37. Ghostpatzer

    All this talk of jerry cans reminded me of a radio spot from the 1970’s, a decade the current crop of übermenschen are hell-bent on revisiting.

    Hey, Jerry, what’s the story?

    Complete with references to depression and inflation, and pandering to union and government employees.

    • kinnath

      1974

      I posted a while back that the current economic situation looked a lot like 1974. So we are looking at 7-9 years of misery assuming some savior (like Ron Reagan and Paul Volker) show up to fix things. Except, I don’t think there will ever be another Reagan/Volker to fix things.

      • Ghostpatzer

        “So we are looking at 7-9 years of misery”

        I got through the seventies with the assistance of copious amounts of booze and drugs. Those are not options this time around, might be tough.

  38. Tundra

    Spotify is serving up some good, wholesome 90’s treats.

    Like this.

    • R C Dean

      He’s not wrong.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Remain calm, all is well.

    • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

      I can picture him hiccupping from the remnants of a good cry while saying that.

  39. UnCivilServant

    I wish I could just sleep until tomorrow, but I have to get stuff done this afternoon.

    🙁

    Here’s hoping the day doesn’t keep going the way it has been.

    • rhywun

      Good for you. And us.

      Those people need to take a step back and think about what they’re saying there.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They know exactly what they’re saying. That’s what concerns me,

  40. Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

    A while ago, someone posted a link to a site that compared all of the available COVID vaccines by various levels of clinical trial completion.

    Can anybody point me to that link, or one like it? I’m having trouble finding up-to-date info on whether the vaxxes have gone through Phase III trials (or whether what they’re calling “Phase III trials” are very much compressed in time compared to other vax products).

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      whether the vaxxes have gone through Phase III trials

      That’s easy. No they haven’t.

      And the FDA is stonewalling on providing the data for the one, approved mystery vaccine that nobody can get.

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        Sadly, I can’t find any info demonstrating that. I’m in a bit of an argument with someone claiming that *all* the vaccines in use in North America for COVID have completed Phase III trials (yeah, that’s right, all of ’em!). The last time I saw this comparison chart was probably months ago, so I’m wondering if anything’s changed, but damn me if my search-fu isn’t good enough to find the info again.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Phase 3 is generally a two year study.

        Moderna started in December 2020 and is ongoing

        J&J is the same.

        Pfizer cut short theirs because “it was so good,” so they call it completed.

        You can find links to the data here: https://coronavirus.dc.gov/vaccine-trials

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        Thanks, mang. It’s not quite what I was looking for (I’ve also found a Health Canada page that has similar info on more trials of as-yet-unreleased vaccines), but it’ll have to do until something else comes along…

    • db

      fucking hilarious

  41. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Become part of the control group

    vaxcontrolgroup.com

    • db

      haha, genius?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They offer an ID card. I know that some people have been using it to flummox the police in Australia.

        The ruse won’t last forever, but still….

      • db

        From their website, they claim to be working with another organization to make it an actual clinical study in some way or other. But who knows when/if that could happen?

    • db

      not sure how I feel about providing personal information to them though

      • Ghostpatzer

        I might sign up. The whole world already has my info anyhow.

        Had a washing machine delivered and hooked up today. Turns out the delivery dude is a potential participant. We had a very nice little chat.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I think I will, Thanks!

  42. Gadfly

    *applause*

    *HONK HONK*

    • db

      That’s Project Mayhem level there.

    • UnCivilServant

      Police have now opened an investigation for vandalism, with comes with a £395 (74.9 million Russian Rubles) dine and a one-year correctional labour sentence.

      I didn’t know the rouble had fallen so much…

      it was insured with the Alfa insurance company for £740,000 (RUB 74.9 million).

      Oh, it was an editorial fail

  43. Gender Traitor

    A balmy 50 degrees in SW OH! Makes me want to break out the shorts and flip-flops and get a pedi!?

    • Sean

      I got my car washed. It’s low 50s here.

      • UnCivilServant

        My car said it was 53, but it was in the sun. Thermometer says 40.

      • db

        Don’t cars usually report the temperature of induction air as read by the MAFS?

      • UnCivilServant

        I don’t know where the car themometer is in the chassis, but it always reads hot when the car has been in the sun.

  44. Spudalicious

    HONK!