Part I: Introduction & Planning
It’s no secret that I am not an aquafile. I think natural bodies of water are scary and alien. That’s not to say I haven’t been in them – I’ve experienced Lake Champlain, Lake Erie, the Atlantic (both North and South), the Caribbean, and the Mediterranean, both above and below the surface. I haven’t been the biggest fan of any of them. I got very seasick snorkeling over a reef in the Bahamas, for example.
Me? On a cruise? Hell, no.
Or, yes. In this miniseries, I’ll share the research I did, what the actual cruise was like, and lessons I learned. If you have never been on a cruise, are mildly curious or totally repelled, follow along with me, a major thalassophobe and misanthropic cruise skeptic. Will I ever do another cruise? Stay tuned for the answer!
Genesis
So when COVID insanity derailed my 50th birthday plans, and my dad suggested a cruise, I was skeptical. I tried to convince him to do an Alaska cruise, but he thought we should celebrate my actual birthday on board a ship at the end of March (Alaska cruises don’t start until May). That pretty much means the Mediterranean, Pacific, or Caribbean. The Med was out, as travel to foreign lands is more hassle than it’s worth at this point. The Pacific, while intriguing, was too far afield.
Caribbean, then. I was not enthusiastic about hot-weather destinations, except for one thing: St. Maarten. The island is home to one of the most famous planespotting locations in the world (probably the most famous). I would do a cruise that stopped in St. Maarten. That was a hard-and-fast requirement. I would get to fulfill a huge dream for my 50th birthday. The lure was set.
I could travel from the Free Republic of Florida, which eases COVID burdens significantly, though vaccines and testing are required to board the ship.
We (my dad, his wife, and me) would be cruising on the venerable Holland America Line (HAL). No choice in the matter for me, as my dad has “status” with them and can earn points and deals, mostly due to his considerable blackjack play while on board.
It was up to me to research and find a sailing on HAL, and thus my planning begun.
Finding a Sailing
It wasn’t difficult for me to find a cruise, given the limitations set between my dad and myself. Must be Holland, must stop in St. Maarten, must be on or around my birthday. I originally found a 14-day cruise that had an actual organized excursion to Maho Bay, aboard a party boat. The boat would anchor in the bay, they would announce the flights as they approached the airport, provide drinks, snorkeling equipment, and pool noodles. Perfect! That cruise was cancelled. Back to square one. Because the wasn’t another sailing that stopped in St. Maarten, I started to consider other options, such as a land-based trip to Hawaii.
Then, miracle of miracles! HAL added a new cruise: 11 days to various Caribbean islands, including St. Maarten! There was no organized excursion to the airport area, so there was a risk that the island would be too COVID-restricted to allow us to travel around on our own. In fact, this idea began to creep into my thoughts and cause me some anxiety. I was really worried that I would be forced to sit in a port just a few miles away from the experience of an avgeek’s life.
But we booked the cruise and crossed or fingers and then I got into the meat of what a cruise is actually like.
WTF Am I in For?
You’ll be shocked – shocked! – to know that I am prone to deep-diving on topics I know nothing about or have no experience with. To say I knew nothing about cruises, cruise lines, cruise ships is an understatement. I went to the source of all things insider-knowledge: YouTube. I found a few channels that were at least mildly entertaining and started watching. I learned about buffets vs. dining rooms vs. “specialty dining”; inside rooms and ocean view rooms and balconies, both inside and out (yes, there are inward-facing balcony cabins on some mega ships, such as Royal Caribbean’s Wonder of the Seas); excursions; sea days and port days; duty free shopping, casinos, and the dreaded art auctions; demographics; bargain cruises vs. luxury; and everything in between.
Interestingly, not many YouTubers traveled on HAL. I think this comes down to a couple things: a) HAL’s age bracket skews much older than your average YouTube viewer, b) HAL doesn’t court the social media market, at all. I did see a few reviews on HAL’s ships, and one or two specific to the ship I would be sailing on, Nieuw Statendam.
I did find and enormous amount of information on other cruise lines, and cruising in general. The information gathering both gave me hope that I would enjoy myself, and filled me with dread (four words: “assigned dining room seating” or two words: “gala night”).
Next up: what did I learn from YouTube? Some stuff about cruise jargon and “culture”/etiquette/procedures.
Is aquafile where you use liquid to reduce heat or debris buildup while removing material with a file?
It’s a method of storing information in water.
It’s where Aquaman keeps his 401k info.
fish in a line?
It’s probably Jethro Tull’s biggest hit.
Thanks KK! I’ve never done a cruise so this is really interesting.
Like you, I’ve leaned towards “hell no” when it comes to cruises. I’m excited to read your insights.
Thanks KK!
Same here. From what I’ve seen and heard about cruises, you couldn’t pay me to go on one. But I am eager to read KK’s experience to see if I am off the mark.
Yes. #metoo
I have not been on a cruise since the late 90s. It was pretty good, but if I did it again it would have to be more of a relaxing journey with sightseeing. I wanted to do a Euro river trip, but the prices were just ridiculous.
It will be interesting to hear a recent perspective.
Those Viking cruises look amazing
Do you have to bring your own axe, or do they provide one?
You have to fight for it.
Then they divide you up at dinner based on what weapon you win. I wish to sit at the Gungnir table.
Yes and you are allowed one anglo-saxon slave as a carryon
Hel-LO English Rose!
The body spray is illegal in most European countries, so they got that going for them. Which is nice.
The other option is canal cruises, which aren’t quite as expensive.
Just avoid the one on Root. It’s a bit of a pain.
Filling in a pun thread?
/braces for narrowed gaze
That would cap things off nicely.
Is this the day when one of us is crowned or has Swissy become numb
Ooh, an amalgam of puns.
Me too. Looking forward to the rest of the series.
Went on cruise my wife got as a work reward. Ft Lauderdale to Key West, to Cozumel and back. I found that I wanted far more time in Key West and Cozumel and was pretty bored while at sea.
Thanks, KK. Very interesting
I saw the size of the cruise ship and a quick guess as to the number of people that may be on board and quickly made my decision.
About the only way I would take a cruise is to have UCS would run interference for me. I’m not packing a suitcase.
I actually have made 3 trans-Atlantic cruises, each with about 700 of my newest and uncomfortably closest new friends. Any ship with more than 3 people on board is too big for me.
I’ll take this one vicariously with you.
Thank you for upholding the fine tradition of detailed travel posts. I thought my last one seemed too long and detailed, but yours is definitely interesting so maybe I was wrong about that. I haven’t been on a cruise since my honeymoon 23 years ago, but we are considering one, so thanks in advance for your information.
Jabs in arms is a deal-breaker for me.
Maybe some day the world will come to its senses.
?
^^^
KK, you feeling any better? Did you see my amateur remote dx of mal de debarquement?
But did you find love? Did you get your groove back?
Thanks for sharing, Kristen.
A single buddy (age 60) went on a Caribbean cruise four years ago and claims he scored with three women (not all at once) during the 7 day cruise. Two were hot to trot divorcees and another was one whose husband went on a shore excursion while she stayed behind for “pool time.” So, asking for a friend, please be sure to cover the Love Boaty aspects of your cruising.
Is your buddy named SEA SMITH?
Well, now he is.
Badabing!
Guess I know what I’m doing if I become a widower.
The one we were on had a ‘was married when booked the cruise, now divorced’ couple, a recently divorcee and Golden Girls of the Blanche type.
Did it have Lt. Cmdr. Data as the boss of the paid dance partners?
I’ve cruised precisely twice, and enjoyed both times. I found that what a cruise did for me was fix in my mind certain places that I’d like to go back to and spend a lot more time there. Sampling the destinations works really well for me (and the Spousal Unit, too).
Ferinstance, I’d be happy to kick around the Adriatic for a couple of months after going on a ten-day cruise there in October of 2019.
I can’t speak for the rest, but Croatia is wonderful.
“gala night”
Does that include Titanic roleplay?
*thrashes around in the water until I turn blue and sink*
Oh, you mean the movie!
Hey Trashy, I did not get an email response for to send my lid to. Are you still accepting?
I’m shipping mine today, so I hope so. I believe the first is the deadline.
That’s what I thought. But I need an address.
/queues up the Rick and Morty episode
Depends, which part is up for roleplay
The cat
Lol that got blocked at work for partial nudity hahahaha
kitty porn?
The Cat.
Request “The Morning After” at karaoke night.
Thanks, KK!
This will be a fun series! We went on a cruise for our honeymoon (many, many years ago). We had a blast, but decided that having to leave a place just when it was getting interesting was not our thing.
Looking forward to chapter 2!
*Aquaphile & all the other typos
Tox – I am still moving up & down. I read the article you posted and am sincerely hoping I don’t have to go through all that!! For now, let’s just chalk it up to what ever rhino-corona-virus I picked up and period #2 of the month.
I guess MDD is permanent and you have mere land sickness. I did say amateur. Never mind…
Email came across the inbox this morning announcing a retirement. Actually it was more of a whine by the person’s former manager that the retiree left with no notice and no one to take over (completely different workgroup that my rehire story this morning). And the retiree’s manager misspelled the guy’s name in the email subject line. It’s a simple name too, not Jingleheimerschmidt or some Polish abortion. Gee, I can’t imagine why the guy left with no notice.
It’s a mystery.
In my mind, ocean cruise == paying for food poisoning. Maybe that’s just Carnival and Disney. I look forward to KK’s further installments.
I think I might like to visit some Carribean destinations, but a big cruise is probably too many people.
Fake news. No way KK is 50.
Never done a cruise, don’t really know if I ever want to. We’re not really beach people, so the idea of spending a week in close proximity to 1500
complete strangersof our closest friends on the open ocean is not appealing. The all-inclusive aspects and the ability to see some really cool sights are the appealing parts.For our honeymoon, my wife’s old boss got us a cruise on the inner passage in Alaska. Glaciers were an awesome site, walking through the rainforest and having to double time it when the guide said “bear, baby and momma” got the heart rate up. Got to see a retarded owl that forgot its handler everytime it looked at her and saw just how big a Bald Eagle really is. The cruise part was muted because it was 5 days after my grandma passed.
Towns that are centered around the cruise industry are really weird. A mixture of cruise owned property/business with the locals having signs “Buy Local!”.
Alaska would probably be my first choice for a cruise. I’ve known a few people who have done one, and they all rave about it.
Juneau looks appealing, based on Street View (Pedestrian View).
We stopped in Juneau at the worst possible time. It was some culture week or festival for the locals and a bunch of yuppies getting off the boat were not welcome. Ketchikan was one of our favorites.
My sister and her husband were on an Alaska cruise for their 10th anniversary when Grandma died. Mom and Dad were taking care of the grandkids, and I was asked if I would be willing to do one of the readings at the funeral Mass.
As I got up to go to the lectern to do the reading, my niece, who was just shy of four at the time, started cheering, “Uncle Ted, Uncle Ted!”
One of the highlights of my trip to St Maarten was sitting in the bar at the end of the runway, rum drink in hand, watching idiots get sand in their faces and blown into the surf by the planes landing and taking off.
You get the noise, you get the view, you don’t get the abuse.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jW9wk_g9QY
You can see the bar at the very beginning of the video.
My thought with regards to a cruise is that I would want something like a guilded age luxury liner with at least the illusion of exclusivity and not the hordes of tourists ruining my trip.
There are probably a lot of used Oligarch yachts cheap that still have gas in them…
But are they tastefully decorated in gilded age aesthetic with appropriate staff and guests?
Hmm… that must be researched. Surely there are ship auction sites with these details.
I wonder how much a niche cruise line doing that sort of thing would have to charge per passenger.
Niche Cruise? You mean like a “Boob” Cruise. I bet that’s really expensive.
Probably decorated the way a gopnik would decorate it.
I don’t think I’d like a cruise, but some people swear by them. I look forward to the verdict. The closest I’ve come to a cruise is overnight ferries across the Baltic, but that’s more of a way to get from point A to B. Kind of like an airplane that you can walk around in, with drinking and gambling.
And some gamboling.
Kind of like an airplane that you can walk around in, with drinking and gambling.
Sounds like the OG 747.
My first international flight was on PanAm from LA to London. We were upstairs in business class, and there was stand-up bar to hang around during cruise.
The flight attendant left the bar unattended after the lights went out for “nighttime”. My boss went behind the bar and served us a few drinks. He found an unopened bottle of Johnny Walker Red that he stuffed into his carry-bag. He was a party animal that didn’t change after he was promoted up to management.
This was my first experience being hung over and jet lagged as we walked off that plane at 6 am London time.
Sigh.
?
Twas a better time…
Word of the day. Mrs. Dean is something of a thalassophobe.
I have something like that. I get creeped out by being next to a large boat while in the water. Especially if I can’t see the bottom. It was weird being able to when we docked because the water was so clear.
Somewhat appropriate for a KK post:
All the support columns are labelled letter-number style so we can find a specific location in any given building. Today while walking along the B column line I noticed that someone didn’t have enough work to do and spent that free tie being awesome:
https://www.glibertarians.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/b25-scaled.jpg
Just one example.
Nice!
I’m going to find an excuse to check out the F line, but it’s not near anywhere I typically have business being.
Check the C’s and A’s too.
And join the fun. Take some pics of appropriate aircraft and some tape.
Beware of anti-aircraft management who might start taking them down.
Ack! Ack!
He doesn’t want any flak.
Steal some Q images for the D section.
Just one example.
Most highly bitchin’.
My thought with regards to a cruise is that I would want something like a guilded age luxury liner with at least the illusion of exclusivity and not the hordes of tourists ruining my trip.
Or possibly old-timey tramp steamer passage.
I may qualify as the Glibs’ most experienced cruise traveler. My wife and I are Platinum-level with Princess Cruises. A good place to research cruises is the CruiseCritic website. You can talk with other cruisers on their community boards, including a roll call for a specific cruise.
Last year Princess was offering a deal that included drinks, specialty dining, wifi access, room upgrade and all gratuities – we signed up for a British Isles cruise that sets sail in late June of this year. Hopefully, all the covid nonsense will be gone by then.
Now that I posted those links, I hope I’m not spoiling any of KK’s articles in this series.
Looking forward to reading the rest. I took a Disney cruise with the family once. I quickly figured out there was a buffet on the top floor that avoided all the seating arrangements for dinner. That made me happy.
Wife and I are still intrigued by the idea of a windjammer (actual sailing ship/schooner) cruise. Other than that – a big floating hotel doesn’t appeal very much.
On an unrelated note, and at the risk of drugs falling out of my ass, the Bee has done it again.
A Caribbean cruise is one of my bucket list items, preferably during Christmas. Thanks, KK, and happy birthday again!
That said, I kinda got seasick on the ferry between Dover and Oostende, so I’mma have to think about this.
My wife tackled that with the small Dramamine patch
Yeah that get kind of choppy. I stayed on top for most of the 1st trip to England.
Meclizine. I don’t think those wristbands work.
Dilaudid makes me sick, so they put a patch behind my ear to give me dilaudid even though I don’t like it, instead of fentanyl, which is the stuff of miracles.
St. George concurs. /Listens for angels.
Dilaudid is useless to me. It makes me loopy but does nothing for my pain.
Oh. Oh! And then! THEN they take away the pain pump because I’m not using it enough! WELL, FUCK LADY, GIVE ME FENTANYL AND I’LL USE MORE OF IT! I’d rather be in pain than be in pain AND sick.
Sorry ’bout that. But then, they appreciate you saving it for them.
Momma Tres, upon being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer was severely jaundiced due to her tumor blocking off her primary bile duct. Jaundice in an adult is one of the grossest conditions Ive ever seen- yellow eyes, nail-beds, scalp. Evidently the accumulated biliruben under the skin is really itchy. They gave her dilaudid not realizing she’s allergic.
So she was sick, and even itchier.
I can’t believe Meclizine has been around since the 1950’s. I never heard of it until about 5 years ago. Now I take it more often than pain killers and cold medicines.
The talking points on the networks (CBS, NBC, Fox) today was that “Putin’s military advisors aren’t telling him the truth” about Russian army failures in Ukraine. My question is: “How do we (the West) know what Putin’s advisors are telling him? ” This resembles the old excuses that “The Fuhrer is being kept in the dark about the concentration camps” and “If only Comrade Stalin knew about the purges and liquidations.”
I somehow doubt Comrade KGB Colonel Vlad would let himself be kept in the dark about the major event going on with regards to his administration at the moment.
Sounds like a recycled story about our own military and Trump…
And for all we know, Putin is actually doing a purge of soldiers/officers he didn’t want/like and old cold war hardware.
Seems like the real goal of the story is to imply we have a greater intelligence capacity than what we actually have.
Or a really shitty intelligence capacity that thought Russia was a tier one army
If only President Biden knew what day it is. I’m beginning to believe Joe is punchy from his encounter with Cornhub.
They constantly kept lying about Trump and misinterpreting everything related to him for five years. But I would trust them about Putin. LOL. At least with Trump they obviously had sources.
I think they have sources.
Remember before the invasion the Biden admin was screaming all over about how Russia was about to invade? How’d they know?
Satellites
Our eye in the sky capabilities are unparalleled. Our propaganda capabilities are also unparalleled.
It was already common knowledge that there were Russian armies massed along the border, both before and after the ‘joint exercises’ with Belarus.
I guess an actual invasion looks different from a training exercise. I don’t know enough specifics myself to say.
The Russians were actually making a pretty public deal about their buildup. I think they believed that, by itself, would get Ukraine to bend the knee.
This may also explain the apparent craptacular planning and logistics, etc. – they didn’t really think they were going to war until pretty late.
I think that pretty much seals the deal that the media is lying to you about the Ukraine.
Russia isn’t the USA. I imagine that if somebody ignored Putin’s orders to remove troops from Syria and then lied about it to him, they might not fare as well as our own treasonous bureaucracy.
Wondering what the modern equivalent of the Order of Lenin is?
The Masons ?
(ya gotta know one to be one)
I am the walrus!
The Navy offers some exotic cruises if I understand the commercials. Getting paid for it is just a bonus.
The rum is ok, but I’m not excited for the sodomy or the lash.
Look at this fudd-duddy over here.
Look, there are girls allowed, so the sodomy is a lot more satisfying now.
Based on my anecdotal evidence from a cousin that is a Navy veteran, those arent really girls.
Then again he was a seabee, not a biologist.
Why are there Pop-Tarts, but no Mom-Tarts?
Because of the Pastry-archy
The Mom-Tarts never get enough filling.
I dunno, I’ve know a mom-tart or two.
Pastry-archy. Shakes head, walks away. Well done.
Great Flaming Clots from Menstruating Mother Mary!
What is it with you people? I’ve made it clear I’ve done my best to swear-off redheads after ex-wife. But then along comes Mojo and her motorcycle/dress/snow/petticoat story. Then HE posts a saucy pic of her as a teen. And now this. I’m picturing KK as “Julie McCoy, your cruise director”.
Oh, I’m so going to be in my bunk.
See ya back here in 5 minutes.
You are a generous man
I figured he was gonna do it twice.
*shrug*
At my age and after the amount of beer Ive had in the past 24 hours? More like a taffy-pull.
FWIW, my hair is half white now and makes me look blonde.
“Say baby- tell me. Does the carpet match the drapes?”
“No but the upholstery does.”
https://www.thetruthaboutguns.com/okcupid-users-say-climate-change-not-gun-ownership-is-their-number-1-dealbreaker/
LOL
Calling it “a religion” at this point would be trite. It is the religion.
Moreover, all these polls just represent whichever propaganda is being pushed the hardest that week. Climate hooey is definitely being pushed much harder than gun paranoia lately.
How about the vaccination status?
Easy. Reject anyone who discloses vaccination status.
“Do you have a Valtrex Rx?”
You might think that “herpes” would be number one.
My biggest deal breaker is the use of dating apps.
Anyone got a Beckhoff EK1100? Best I can find is 21 week lead time and I kind of need it, well, now would be nice.
I’m going to start using ebay. *shudders*
…I can’t help but notice one of these sellers is in the same MN town as their US distributor. I wonder if they work on the dock?
“We pushed it off a truck”
🙁 90 minutes is a bit long for a delivery Rueben to show
I ordered over an hour ago I’m I’m getting hungry.
They are having trouble getting Russian dressing.
Clearly they aren’t russian to sub out Thousand Island.
We are a Corny lot.
At least it’s out for delivery.
Aren’t YOU a Sauer Kraut!
Rye you gotta be like that ?
I’m surprised no one has posted a warning about Swiss.
Swiss is the only option. No substitutions.
You won’t be sauer about it once you’ve eaten.
Concerns about Bruce Willis’ declining cognitive state swirled around sets in recent years
“In one alleged incident two years ago on a Cincinnati set of the movie “Hard Kill,” Willis unexpectedly fired a gun loaded with a blank on the wrong cue, according to two people familiar with the incident who were not authorized to comment. No one was injured.”
“…but the alleged discharge left actors and crew members shaken.”
Uh, the gun contained blanks. It wasn’t an Alec Baldwin set.
Oh great, here come the “I totally saw it coming YEARS ago!” stories.
You will have to wait for Biden.
“Nobody saw it coming!” blaring from every MSM outlet. ?
64
53
Nice job!
My first two words were RATED and SONIC to use a bunch of common letters, which got me the top right and bottom left right away, and left me with two possibilities for the bottom right. I was lucky to guess the bottom right correctly the first time.
He’s not wrong.
These freaks are disgusting.
Holy shit
https://twitter.com/imodernman/status/1509286115437592576
Nice!
Now that’s a success story!
Excellent, KK – all I know from cruising I learned from David Foster Wallace but I try to keep an open mind.
We just booked a week at a bougie hotel in St. Martin (the French side) for our anniversary in June, so I’ll be interested in your take on it.
As an aside, thank you all for trip recommendations a few weeks back – we ended up with none of them, of course, but may things for the ‘future trips?’ file.
*many
LinkedIn sucks big fat donkey balls.
Indeed.
It never got me laid as much as CL, but it had its moments.