The lights and sounds and press of people hit Joe like a mail truck.
“Barry is here? Barry?” he asked one person and then another. He tried to look over the heads of all the other people to see his friend’s smooth brown features.
“Barry? Have you seen Barry?” he asked. The room was close and hot but he was cold. He was always cold. He pawed the air. No one took his arm. No one guided him to a chair.
“Barry? I don’t want to be Vice President no more. I’m really tired,” Joe said to a confused aide.
And then there he was. Tall and handsome and grinning. Joe reached out for him.
“Mr. President,” Kamala said to Barry, stepping in front of Joe, hitting “President” hard in her delivery. Joe saluted the back of her head and wandered off.
“MSNBC,” he heard someone say. “Jen,” someone else said. He looked around. He was sure he knew someone named Jen.
“The DNC is placing her at MSNBC in advance of the mid-terms,” a stately woman said. Joe got closer, bumped into her, farted, spun around, saluted no one in particular. “God knows we need the help.”
“Barry?” Joe called.
Someone took his arm and guided him over to stand in front of a bank of cameras. He began to amble toward the lectern and he was pulled back into place. Barry walked up to the microphone as Kamala stepped away and joined Joe.
“Michelle?” Joe said to Kamala, “You’re looking great, babe. Maybe a little shorter.” Kamala’s grin cracked a bit but she otherwise ignored him.
“Vice President Biden…” Barry said smoothly. He grinned at the fawning press corps and they all got a little wet, even the masculine-presenting ones.
“That was a joke,” Barry said, looking over at Joe. He turned back and grinned again.
One of the press corps fainted dead away. Two press interns dragged them out of view.
“It’s not much of a joke,” Joe muttered. “I hate being Vice President.” He flashed his DNC chompers and saluted Barry.
“Stop saluting everyone,” Kamala said through clenched teeth.
Kamala inched toward Barry as he spoke, the smell of cigarettes and cocobutter drawing her toward Barry’s hybrid vigor and oozing charisma. Kamala made a growling noise in the back of her throat/ She wanted to tear him apart, to consume him. Her dead clitoris swelled and she pressed her legs together and squirmed.
“Do you have to pee?” Joe asked loudly.
“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” Kamala hissed. “I’m almost there.”
“Are we going somewhere?” Joe asked. “Can I have a glass of milk?”
Kamala snorted and grimaced.
“I really like milk. And drinking it supports the American farmer. I love farmers. I once slept with a farmer’s daughter. You wouldn’t believe the skills milking a cow gave that girl.”
Kamala screeched silently, her incipit orgasm fading to a grey dot–like turning off an old TV.
Barry stopped talking finally and Joe stopped pretending to know what he was talking about. He just wanted a moment with Barry. He just wanted to resign the Vice Presidency. Some people shook his hand. He smelled piss. Joe wanted to sit down. He was so tired. People swarmed Barry and there was no way to get to him.
“Barry?” he cried and it was lost in the din of adoration.
I liked it better when you were writing based off of Subaru commercials.
That horror only has a limited reach.
“The DNC is placing her at MSNBC in advance of the mid-terms,” a stately woman said. Joe got closer, bumped into her, farted, spun around, saluted no one in particular. “God knows we need the help.”
That’s as good an explanation as any.
He grinned at the fawning press corps and they all got a little wet, even the masculine-presenting ones.
Nailed it.
Okay, that was supposed to be a comment, not a reply. Weird.
Very Douglas Adamsish.
Just warning you, if you make me feel sympathy for Brandon, I’mma track you down and slap you like Chris Rock.
lulz
?
Not even close to any sympathy. He spent his life a grifter and tyrant.
Shadenfreude.
Is there a faker smile than Kamala at 0:26?
Well done SF.
That’s perfection right there.
I think he meant “incipient,” but the CRT analogy is wonderful.
If only there was someone to proofread these things.
😛
Ouch. I’m loath to edit the works of established authors. Sug writes these on Wednesdays, just before publication time so there is a limited window of opportunity.
I couldn’t resist. I figured it was something like that. Seriously you guys all do a great job. I’m constantly impressed with the quality of the work you all put out. there’s no way I could keep up with the demand.
They are fairly equivalent terms, but incipit is more archaic and sounds a bit like “insipid.”
Challenge SF at your peril.
Wow,
I would feel sorry for the man if he wasn’t such a lifelong lamprey. Stuck to and slowly draining and poisoning the life out of our country.
Fortunately our country is the biggest fish in the river. Unfortunately there are more lamprey attached to it every day and they don’t die or get detached easily.
This – he’s been trash his whole life. Only after he lost his marbles was he magically put over the top in the primaries then the general.
A question for those more literate than me:
If Biden’s life, just as it was, had been a play, which playwright would be most likely to have written it?
Parker and Stone. It’s a musical.
Some other playwright probably plagiarized it.
So you think Shakespeare?
Ha!
Good one.
Yes$
Goddammit my replies never go where I try to put them.
Wasn’t this to Gilmore? Since he no longer graces us with his presence, perhaps we should declare this to thenceforth be to Homple.
I was thinking Ionesco…
Franz Liebkind
Springtime for Biden. Winter for the unvaxxed.
Ze Fuhrer vas BUTCH!!!
If he thought Hitler was butch, his jaw would drop to the floor with the number of push ups Biden can do.
Fuck him.
No sympathy at all, he got the brass ring and Dr. Jill got to be first lady.
Awesome.
fading to a grey dot–like turning off an old TV
For those of us old enough to remember – perfect.
Agreed. :chef’s kiss:
Thirded.
Yeah, it’s right up there with the opening sentence of Neuromancer.
I was thinking of the opening for “The Outer Limits”.
Neuromancer is one of those books I really wanted to like, but could never finish. Or even get very far into.
I suppose that Obama does have about as much charisma as a court eunuch could have. Ask yourself this – if he were a white guy with all the same mannerisms and speech patterns, would anyone give a shit?
I guess there’s Beto and Pete.
Jinx!
People seem to like Pete and Beto, so…yes? There are a lot of sad fucks out there who are easily led around by white teeth and superficial charm.
Pete is just the gay Obama. Well, maybe Obama is the gay Obama. The point is, the good people get to flaunt their tolerance and goodness by liking Pete and Obama. I have no idea what people see in Beto.
I never understood the whole “charisma” thing.
It was said earlier that Clinton got away with the BJ thing because he had it.
I know my Mom was 100% a Clinton supporter, even after it came out that he was a liar.
I don’t have anybody that I hold in such regard to support them after they blatantly lied about things like that.
Obama, G.W.Bush, Clinton, none of them impressed me.
Trump a little, because he had actually done things outside of politics, but nowhere near enough for blind support.
If I had to pick a favorite, Rand Paul?
Even then, if he turned out to be a dirt bag, I would have no second thoughts about dropping him.
This is just a long way to say I don’t understand people.
Your not a big enough team player.
In-group preference and loyalty (even when your group is wrong) is important for survival.
Neither of those two will become senator, let alone president.
You mean, what if he was Buttigieg? Though even he punches above his station thanks to gay.
Son of a…
Kind of like Beto and Pete? Has anybody mentioned them?
Marco Rubio runs from the room, crying.
That water-drinking idiot!
Obama has the mannerisms and speech patterns of a fake southern preacher. A few notes up, a few notes down, followed by a dramatic pause even though he’s not saying anything dramatic (or interesting).
Yes. It’s an affectation that he developed. I’ll guarantee that he didn’t speak like before entering politics.
You know who else developed an affection before entering politics?
FDR? Polio is an affectation, right?
Pope Pius IV ?
William F. Buckley Jr?
Big time
I knew a white guy in college who behaved exactly the same way. He told everyone he was going to be a politician. He lied through his too-perfect teeth, was insufferable, and finally enlisted in the Army. I always suspected he enlisted just so he could tick the “veteran” box and use it to help him run for office.
You went to college with Tom Cotton?
There’s a guy in PA (I see the commercials during Penguin games) running the most vapid
“I’m a veteran”
“I love this country”
“I know what it means to be American”
campaign I ever heard.
I think I might agree with him on a few things, but the commercials are so empty I don’t know.
He might as well just say that he is good and the other guy is bad.
He’s just like me for real.
Except he was an ambitious US Attorney, and you never were. That’s pretty much a deal breaker right there for me.
This guy?
https://twitter.com/davemccormickpa?lang=en
That’s him.
I knew a guy in _high school_ who was always saying he wanted to become a politician.
I was reading a lot of PJ at that point, so I asked him “why don’t you do something useful with your life first?” Did not compute.
People still swoon for Bill Clinton.
Hell, I saw a college girl, in tears, excitedly pointing and screaming, “She’s right here!” at a Hillary event.
What Hillary ever did to earn that level of adoration is beyond me.
I’ve seen that up close too. Even if you can stand her, I don’t see how you could possibly “adore” her. There is just snide hate on the outside and an interior full of ashes and venom.
I don’t see how you could possibly “adore” her.
Magical, prehensile psuedo-penis.
How’d you know my college nickname?
Take a weak, infantile personality, and saturate it in Progressive social culture for a few years – what else would you expect?
“There is just snide hate on the outside and an interior full of ashes and venom.”
Gives you an insight into what the adorers aspire to attain.
That’s just the vicarious syphilis taking its toll.
If he were a white guy, he’d still be a back-bencher senator from Illinois.
State Senator. He never would have made it to the big leagues.
I thought you wrote fiction?
We must pretend its fiction lest the FBI come a-knockin’.
Yeah. This isn’t fiction, this is a tell-all.
Obama’s jokes are like the DC version of Beavis and Butthead.
“He has a cat! He eats ice cream! Huh huh huh uh……”
“Shutup, ass-munch!”
We’ve all been there.
“Barry?” he cried and it was lost in the din of adoration.
Poignant. If he wasn’t such a monster I would almost feel bad.
It’s like feeling sad for Stalin because no one checked on him after his stroke.
“Mr. President,” Kamala said to Barry, stepping in front of Joe, hitting “President” hard in her delivery
This foreshadowed:
Kamala inched toward Barry as he spoke, the smell of cigarettes and cocobutter drawing her toward Barry’s hybrid vigor and oozing charisma. Kamala made a growling noise in the back of her throat/ She wanted to tear him apart, to consume him. Her dead clitoris swelled and she pressed her legs together and squirmed.
The oozing charisma line is the actual most horrifying part of that entire stanza.
Festering charisma?
Cocobutter works, but to nitpick I would have recommended shea butter oil.
^^^
This guy knows his lube!
I want to know how it ends. But I am afraid.
It all ends in tears.
Tears, nuclear war, potayto, potahto . . .
Pronounced tares, not teers.
Lots of anal tearing.
I think you’re going to find out sooner rather than later.
“The President has had a medical issue and is resting comfortably. He is still able to conduct the affairs of his office”
And it begins
Reminds me a little of the movie Dave. With the Chief of Staff running everything and the president in a coma in the basement and a fake doing the photo ops. At least that movie was funny.
I once caught a fish this big.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1p71k_PrmOE
Joe Biden certainly deserves to have this torture inflicted on him in his last years, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch.
He’s starting to drag his feet pretty badly just walking across the room. No way he makes it to the finish line.
I think you underestimate the power of top of the line pharmaceuticals and the incentive of pudding cups.
Having a family member who’s getting copious quantities of those “top of the line pharmaceuticals” and seeing how little they’re helping, it’s all up to the puddin’ cups now.
Biden’s got to be mainlining pharmaceutical grade methamphetamine by now.
I asked our oldest, the NP, if there’s anything they could put a dementia-ridden o79-year old like Groper Joe on to keep him sorta-coherent long enough to deliver a speech. She cited his loss of balance, frequently dilated pupils, frequent outbursts of unfounded anger and a few other things, then opined “…if they’ve got him on something, it probably isn’t legal.”
She also pointed out that she couldn’t really diagnose from a distance, but that’s how it looks to her – and in 15 years of emergency medicine she’s seen a lot of dementia patients.
Ah, so we’re going the JFK route on pharma!
Nope. And sympathy factor = 0.
I’m not sure there is any pharmaceutical answer to ‘drop-foot’.
“even the masculine-presenting ones”
This was my favorite part. Serious laugh out of me.
You can almost smell the urine.
One thing that occasionally crosses my mind still is Herself’s condition back in the runup to the 2016 election. Remember the various odd medical events that looked like strange neurological (or something) symptoms? At the time, I really thought that if elected, she’d croak before 2020 – she just seemed to be coming apart. In a different way from Brandon, but still.
And then it didn’t happen. Maybe it was stress-induced or something, and actually would have if she were in office instead of sidelined. Dunno. But I was pretty convinced at the time that she was circling the drain.
Could still be happening. She has more freedom now to pick and choose when she is out in public. She can wait for a “good day”, unlike during the campaign when she had to be seen nearly every day.
TL;DR: Keep the hope!
Re Biden: I’ve known a number of people with dementia and alzh. Compared to where they were when they croaked, Biden is very early on. He can still use complicated words in proper context and usually knows where he is and what has been asked of him. The folks I know functioned pretty well at a similar stage. We need to hammer on Biden’s policies and not count on him being removed from office before 2024 for health reasons. As he declines, the DNC/media will cover it up and DOCTOR Jill and Obama will run the WH.
+1 being tossed like a limp fish into a waiting van
Narratives are painted by both sides and we fill holes in the narrative with our emotions. I’m pretty convinced Biden is completely gone, but I’m also surprised he’s made it this far already, so I’m willing to concede I could be completely wrong.
My opinion?
He’s just surprised no one cares he’s president when Obama is around. Not used to not being the center of attention so he didn’t know what to do with himself.
Speaking of broken men .
Ricky Gervais’ reaction to the event.
“I wouldn’t have told a joke about her hair. I would have told a joke about her boyfriend”
hahahaha
Golden.
There are guys I know who are stuck in relationships where I have no Earthily idea what they see in their partner. I suppose that goes for both genders. Like, you could do better just being alone or even just going out and getting laid when you are in the mood.
But the Will Smith thing is on another level. I guess he got so much of it when he was younger and he just has some strange attraction to her. Playing the field probably doesn’t have the draw for him that you’d think at this stage in his life. But fuck me…she seems like a miserable, self-absorbed cunt who would suck all joy out of everything.
Like, Smith was mildly amused by Rock right up until he saw that look on Jada’s face. Then in that moment he knew that the shit he’d get later would be far worse than the potential consequences to his career if he got up and slapped another man on national TV for something he probably didn’t actually give a fuck about.
My short-version read on Smith: he knows it’s all horrible, but deep inside, he still believes that leaving her would make him even more of a failure.
Maybe it’s the “officialness” or permanence of a divorce, or something. This way, he can always, one day, be victorious in the old, traditional sense. But if he ever closes it, he’s a failure forever. To me it’s much more old-fashioned and honor-based (his own, not hers) than he’d really seem, but that’s what I’m sensing.
It’s a perverse self-immolating version of “never be a quitter”.
Aren’t both of them members of the L Ron religion?
Perhaps that’s why they’re still together.
Just look at their kids. That’s an fucked up relationship and has been for some while.
Their girlfriends actually get Firsts.
“…fading to a grey dot–like turning off an old TV.”
The imagery! The prose!
Author! Author!
Late to the party
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Daily Quordle 72
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meh
they all got a little wet, even the masculine-presenting ones.
Of this there can be no doubt.
Sublime. Smoking a bit of this to enhance the mood.
https://www.smokingpipes.com/pipe-tobacco/cornell-diehl/Dreams-of-Kadath-2oz/product_id/232957
I can feel the First inside of me growing. Day by day it gains strength, feeding off me. I grow weak at times, to the point where I can barely walk. The seconds who surround me everywhere I go do not understand the great task that has been given to me. But their fates are already decided. With The First, they will never again question their station in life. They will know their place.
one
trick
pony
you are completely devoid of imagination aren’t you
This is like telling Michael Jordan he’s a one trick pony because alls he knows how to do is play basketball. Or that Alexander the Great only knew how to conquer.
You just don’t understand the power of The First. I don’t either, but I am not worthy of such power. The Bro understands and I can barely contain my joy at knowing the The First is near.
*Tears stream down face, throws flower petals, rends shirt*
*Tears stream down face, throws flower petals, rends shirt*
Gay!
NTTAWWT.
But still, gayer than Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
I’d say the whole thing is very imaginative. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t change that fact. I hate Rush but I can recognize their talent.
I have never been more deeply offended in my life than I am right now having been compared to Rush.
It could be the hormones. I need to lie down.
I will now read every post of yours in Geddy Lee’s voice. Even if your lyrics don’t measure up to Peart.
I read it in Dan Carlin voice. Takes things to a whole new level.
You put ketchup on steak, too, don’t you? I offer up the juiciest Firsts known to man, and you would do all that you can to ruin them for yourself. It’s OK. They stand for themselves.
*shakes head disapprovingly*
Rush is (was) too liberal for my tastes.
“I grow weak at times, to the point where I can barely walk.”
Mr. President?
What the fuck?
Not a UBI, just welfare. They can’t grasp the U part.
LGBQT+ What’s the U stand for?
“Universal”
Uhhh … nable to support themselves?
I identify as non-binary. Where’s my money? #200,000 isn’t going to be enough.
heavy man
Being either a zero or a one is the whole purpose of firsting? That makes you the Ur-Binary, right?
After the administrative cut, what’s that like 3 or 4 people will get $900?
How are they going to validate the claims?
Asking for a friend.
It’s Palm Springs so they probably have more money than they know what to do with.
Oh, no, no, no!! TOS assures us that it isn’t giving a UBI specifically for transgenders. It’s just sponsoring a a transgender group to figure out the details of how best to give a UBI specifically for transgenders. It’s totally different.
I expect that President Tshirt will address the audience in the next animated Hat & Hair.
Pew pew pew.
Guy in back almost ventilated his buddy. He wasn’t even looking at his target.
Sure looked that way.
They are carpooling and observing covid precautions, so they aren’t all bad.
Based.
That’s pretty bold considering the political leanings of the Ukrainian para-militaries.
In DC culture, that’s a pretty obvious snub by everyone there. You don’t ever leave someone of that “rank” wandering around by themselves. One of my friends got screamed at on here first day working for Rosa De Lauro for leaving some schmoe on hold for, like, 2 seconds while she transferred the call to the Congresswoman (how you’re supposed to transfer a call to the person without putting the caller on hold, I’ll never know)
Conference call, then drop? Assuming your phone system supports that (most will end the call if the initiator of the conference drops).
Of course, considering how hard transferring calls is for the average worker, they should be happy the call got through.
Thinking it over more, a cold transfer would also transfer the caller without hold music. That would also blindside the person who’s getting the call, which would probably also generate some anger.
Rosa DeLauro looks like one unsufferable human being.
Great Googly Moogly!
Rosa De Lauro is a Romulan. Prove me wrong.
I….I….I just dont know. This is almost SF-worthy. Ticks.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ruw_NsUFslM
WTH did I just see?
Im asking myself the same question. There’s an entire channel devoted to it.