About The Author

CPRM

CPRM

Organic troll farmer.

219 Comments

  1. Gustave Lytton

    Brilliant. The voice is out of TOS Season 4

  2. Count Potato

    Awesome! Congratulations to you and your drug dealer.

    Who is the girl in the picture?

    • hayeksplosives

      I wondered who the girl is too. It was a slow reveal.

  3. R.J.

    I loved it. Fantastic!

  4. Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

    Pudding button LOL

    • rhywun

      also LOL

    • juris imprudent

      That had to be the easy one – it replaced the diet coke button.

    • Count Potato

      What’s the other button?

      • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

        Nukes

  5. MikeS

    Pudding….Nukes….

    hahaha. Good stuff, CPRM!

    • Count Potato

      Oh, nukes, thanks, I couldn’t make it out.

  6. The Other Kevin

    Fantastic. Love the attempt at a narrow gaze.

    • Hyperion

      Where’s Cornpop fit into all of this? If want to stop Putin, you gotta have a bad dude who runs a bunch of bad boys.

      • Hyperion

        Hey Putin, I’m sending over Cornpop so you better stop it right now. He has a pool chain! Sh!!!!, he’s black, but he’s a smart one and doesn’t even speak with a negro accent if he tries and he cleans up real good.

      • The Hyperbole

        Cornpop died in 2016.

      • MikeS

        Actually, I arranged his memorial service. It was very classy. Many people said it was the best memorial service ever. Really great.

      • pistoffnick

        Errybody talks about Cornpop, but you never hear a word about Cornmomma or Cornson or Corndaughter or even Corn-baby-momma.

        They were probably bad dudes and duddettes, too.

      • hayeksplosives

        That’s Cornyx to you. It’s 2022. Sheesh.

      • rhywun

        Children of the Cornpop? *shudder*

  7. Peter Lorre, contemplating a Crime

    Huzzah! that was a great one,

  8. db

    Excellent work!

  9. Fourscore

    Outstanding CPRM, looks like the Hat/Hair are gonna have to step it up a notch, with the tough competition.

    Nice shout out to SP. Thanks

  10. MikeS

    So…uhhhh…what do you guys want to talk about?

    • Q Continuum

      After you’ve been a couple with someone for 2 years, your flora is similar enough for analingus to be relatively low risk.

      • pistoffnick

        You know this from experience?

      • MikeS

        ?

    • Gadfly

      You know…the…uh…the thing.

    • rhywun

      How ’bout them Knicks?

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      Think it might rain?

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        One of our liaison guys retired from the Air Force years ago. I was asked to give an address to his party at the NCO club. I couldn’t come up with anything so I went with this:

        “You know, Butler and I have had some good times on road trips over the years. Like, there was this one time in Omaha. . . oh, I guess I shouldn’t tell that story here. But there was this time in Sacramento. . . well, I guess I need to skip that one, too. But this time in. . . In closing I want to wish Butler the best in his retirement and future plans. Good night.”

        I then handed him his retirement card with an eightball of coke inside.

      • pistoffnick

        *adds The Bearded Hobbit to my retirement party list*

      • Tundra

        No shit.

      • rhywun

        Right?

      • MikeS

        L.O.L. I fucking love that movie.

      • rhywun

        It is a classic.

  11. Gadfly

    LOL!

  12. Tundra

    You’ve outdone yourself. 10/10.

    • Sean

      This. ⬆ ??

  13. Plinker762

    I kept waiting for the bunny to say This

    • MikeS

      L.O.L. I fucking love that movie.

  14. hayeksplosives

    The Easter Bunny running interference for the “Leader of the Free World” has got to have been a new low for the presidency.

    I do like how the bunny head has a booming voice but no ability to make any more sense than Joe, since the voice must be a figure of his imagination. Kind of like the invisible friend Biden shook hands with at that press conference.

    • hayeksplosives

      Figment, not figure, dammit.

      Anyway, beautifully done CPRM!!

      • Peter Lorre, contemplating a Crime

        South Park did the Bunny,

    • Plinker762

      Do advanced civilizations end in farce?

      • Chafed

        Donovan sang about Atlantis, so yes?

      • Gadfly

        Ask Incitatus.

      • Plinker762

        I guess one just has to look at it as a Comedy

      • MikeS

        Das war gut. Danke!

      • rhywun

        Bitte. I copied the cassette from my high-school German teacher.

  15. hayeksplosives

    In too local news, the Nye county commissioner seems to be a piece of shit. His wife doesn’t come off very well either.

    https://www.reviewjournal.com/crime/prosecutors-to-review-battery-claims-against-nye-county-commissioner-2567386/

    Short version is that he called the cops to report theft of $77,000 cash and a Glock, but when the cops got there she (name redacted but it’s obviously his wife) claimed he started choking her when he found that the money was missing.

    The cops released hthe tape of the call. I still don’t know what the truth is, but I ain’t voting for that guy..

    • rhywun

      Yikes. Is that like a county executive?

      • hayeksplosives

        Yeah, and Pahrump isn’t an incorporated city yet is the Nye country seat, so the real “power” here is at the county level.

        On the plus side, that means our top cop, the sheriff, is an elective office, unlike a police chief.

        But the county commissioner needs to GO. I’m glad Nye county district attorney tossed this case over the wall to another county (not Clark, which is Vegas) so there’s no apparent conflict of interest.

  16. Gustave Lytton

    Stopped at a local workwear store today to pick up a shirt. Got to talking to the owner about clothing manufacturers and he went down a path of decrying offshoring to China and their use of prison and slave labor. Ok, I’m on board. And yet he prominently carries this stuff, which frankly I find a whole lot more troubling:

    https://oce.oregon.gov/apparel/prison-blues.asp

    • MikeS

      Assuming it’s a voluntary program, I’m not seeing the issue. ??

      • Gustave Lytton

        I like the aims of the program, but the money making aspect of it becomes it’s own goal. All of the prison labor bothers me. It’s seen as a cheaper money saving option (or even requirement) but it crowds out true private sector alternatives and I question whether such programs can be truly voluntary. My feeling is they’re inherently coercive (vs non-participation options, favorable treatment for parole/probation decisions, etc) and the difference from Chinese prison labor is merely degree.

        https://www.oregon.gov/das/OPM/Pages/inmate.aspx

        Completely unrelated, it’s really pissing me off how many federal and state agencies are still using COVID to close their doors to the public.

      • MikeS

        Good points. Most of which I hadn’t considered. Government competing with private sector is enough for me to not like it.

      • rhywun

        Yeah, good point.

      • rhywun

        My off-the-cuff response is it seems better than learning how to be a better criminal.

      • MikeS

        *Inmate #5679876 nods in agreement while sewing a gram of meth into pants cuff.

      • Plinker762

        Just think how that metal working training will help when making chivs

    • pistoffnick

      Thank you. I find Prison Blues disturbing as well. Their clothes are big in the logging industry.

      *I’m a wanna-be lumberjack*
      *I like to press wildflowers*

      • Gustave Lytton

        The shop had a large selection of Prison Blues, not so much Big Bill.

  17. ron73440

    You can’t be racist, you’re not a Republican!

    What they actually believe.

    Well done CPRM!

    • Brochettaward

      I have to disagree. The individual Democrats believe that as long as they vote Democrat, that this magically makes them not racist. But in the victimhood games they play, other Democrats can full well be racists. It’s a competition of ever increasing pettiness and constantly shifting goalposts with the hoped for end result being to show that you are in fact the most virtuous…the most anti-racist that ever anti-racisted.

    • creech

      Anyone happen to catch “Survivor” on tv tonite? The race card was played, and everyone groveled.

      • The Gunslinger

        I was watching. I was like, blah blah blah, can we get to a vote already? CBS has gone full woke with their casting.

  18. Peter Lorre, contemplating a Crime

    I found this on Discus, too funny to not share,
    “As a LGBQT+++ pan sexual, gender fluid, cis, transracial,hermaphrodite, LatinX that, today, identifies as a quad sexual pterodactyl I have to say that this filth (Matt Walsh) literally is a literal mortal literal threat to my literal mental health and literal physical well being…. Literally. This book is problematic in so many ways. I mean for Christ’s sakes I’m pregnant with a transgender centaur and I might lose they/them to the stress that’s triggering to me. I sure hope Amazon does the right thing and bans Matt Walsh from ever waxing his dolphin again…. I meant to say bans this book. I’m literally scared for my literal life because of this book. Hopefully Bezos can convene a Truth & Reconciliation Council one day and Matt Walsh can face the wrath of a someone who likes to take “inappropriate” showers with their daughter. If this menace Walsh is not stopped soon he’ll be writing about a creep that touches children to achieve sexual gratification for himself…. especially poolside with the kiddos rubbing his hairy legs. Anyways x x’s”

    • Chafed

      MLW’s reviews have taken a weird turn.

      • Peter Lorre, contemplating a Crime

        It’s a kids book FFS, haters gonna hate I guess,

    • hayeksplosives

      That so much of that parody is based on fact is truly disturbing.

  19. Chafed

    Excellent CPRM. For a moment I thought the rabbit was Brochettaward. Really liked the kind words for SP.

    • Brochettaward

      I would never say those words about another human being. It would be un-First like.

  20. Brochettaward

    Bhad Barbie, the catcha outside girl, made $52 million on Only Fans. She did not provide even one First to the world. What am I Firsting for you cheap fucks for?

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      $20?

    • Chafed

      I’m proud to say I have no idea who she is.

      • rhywun

        She has her own language or something. The couple articles I skimmed with her somehow getting herself in the news were completely impenetrable to normal people.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Revealed truth is a harsh mistress.

    • Sean

      Stop trying to monetize your destiny. It’s unseemly.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Do some weird sex shit in the process and maybe you’ll do better. Ever hear of sounding?

    • Fourscore

      Three unrelated words that are not coherent. Use that at a stand up routine at an old people’s home and you’ll have the audience laughing and/or in tears.

      • Sean

        It’s still distant, but the reality of it seems to be approaching me.

    • The Last American Hero

      As anyone who watched Bloodsport knows…

    • UnCivilServant

      Soo… they had security cameras… in the bedroom

      • Sean

        Pervy or prescient? *shrug*

    • Tres Cool

      I know not everyone here is about having a dog, but one would have been handy at that moment.

  21. Tres Cool

    suh’ fam
    whats goody

    • Gender Traitor

      I haven’t followed the story closely, but I gather Ohio’s redistricting process has been a similar fiasco.

      Early voting is under way for Ohio’s May 3 primary with statewide, congressional, and local races on the ballot. Without constitutional maps, state legislative races were removed from the ballots. A second primary will need to take place for those races.

    • rhywun

      Wow, that’s huge. My critter was one of the ones targeted for elimination.

    • UnCivilServant

      “In other news, E.S. Bunny Esq has filed a lawsuit against a court in Iowa…”

  22. Gender Traitor

    Good morning, homey, U, and Sean!

    I have to take Little Black Cat in to the vet for a routine shot this afternoon. I hope he’s as well behaved as Big Sweet But Dumb Cat was. I also hope he’ll forgive me some day. ??

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m sure you can manage to get the cat to forgive… eventually

      • Gender Traitor

        Might take a lot of catnip.

    • Grosspatzer

      Mornin’, GT. Watch out for claws.

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, ‘patzie!

        ::examines recent scratches and puncture wounds::

        Yup.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Aw, it’s just like a big old cold blooded dog. Let him on in.

      • Tres Cool

        “You’re that land shark”
        “No ma’am. I’m just a dolphin”

      • UnCivilServant

        Dolphins are assholes and the rapists of the sea. Don’t trust them.

      • Grosspatzer

        Carl Hiaasen nailed it in “Native Tongue”, in which a villain meets his demise at the hands fins of a dolphin channeling SEA SMITH. The villain screams “I’m being fucked to death by a fish!” Oh, and the dolphin is Dickie the Dolphin, a featured attraction at the theme park.

    • Festus

      I thought it was “Candygram”.

      • Tres Cool

        They used that one, too.

      • Festus

        So much coke that they forgot that they’d already used the premise.

      • Tres Cool

        I think John Landis said that he actually budgeted in the cost of all the coke they were going through into Blues Brothers.

      • Chipwooder

        Plumber man
        Flowers

  23. UnCivilServant

    I’m not sure how much sleep I got last night. I lay down at 5pm with the lights on. Next thing I know I’m looking at the clock going “Oh, it’s one in the afternoon” (It wasn’t) Then a bit later more coherently realizing it was 330 in the morning. But I still didn’t drag myself out of bed and turn off the lights until after my alarms said to get up and get ready for work.

  24. Tres Cool

    Mother’s Day is coming.

    WonderSpray

    • Festus

      “Clean Yo Ass!” RIP Redd Foxx.

      • Tres Cool

        Also Redd: “You don’t just wash your whole ass; you wash your ass hole.”

      • Festus

        I found it so fucking funny after watching his character on TV that his stand-up was so “blue”. Sagat, too.

      • Festus

        God. Damn.

  25. Grosspatzer

    Mornin’, reprobates. Animated H&H goes well with morning Covfefe.

    • Festus

      It goes well with a myriad of beverages.

    • UnCivilServant

      Technically, that is correct, it’s not so much the age but the wrinkling and sagging that goes along with it that’s the problem.

      • Festus

        ^ Body-Shamer.

      • Festus

        If it’s any consolation, I’m ashamed of my body too. Age, gravity and entropy are not your friends.

      • Tres Cool

        I seem to have acquired ‘furniture disease’. My chest has fallen into my drawers.

      • Festus

        Waistline inching upward, year by year. Chest waders a-comin!

    • Fourscore

      There’s a difference between shame and embarrassment. I have neither but I do get cold easily so that’s a good reason to stay covered.

      • Festus

        *pictures 4×20 dressed like a babushka*

      • Tres Cool

        Tres Sr., at age 82 is perpetually cold. Unless he’s baking in full sun, he shivers like a chihuahua.
        And the cheap bastard will wear a parka around the house rather than bump the thermostat up a few degrees.

      • Festus

        That’s all of us in a year or so. He probably grew up in privation that we Gen-xers have never known.

      • Fourscore

        He wants everyone to know he has a parka

      • Pope Jimbo

        Shame, embarrassment, cold. I suffer from none of those afflictions.

        What bothers me is the rocks that my wife throws at my fat naked butt. That and her giggling.

    • Grosspatzer

      There is (was? It’s been a while) a nude beach just east of Robert Moses State Park on Fire Island. If you dig seeing dudes like this in all their splendor, that is the place to go.

      • Tres Cool

        “My wife and I were getting ready to mess around, but nuthin’ was happening. I asked her “you cant think of anyone else either?””

        -R. Dangerfield

      • slumbrew

        Can confirm.

        Lot 4? I think?

      • slumbrew

        East of Field 5, it looks like. It’s been a few decades.

      • rhywun

        There’s one at Sandy Hook (NJ), too.

  26. Festus

    Cprm, that might be the best one yet! I watched it twice on Youtube just to nudge your numbers a little. Who is Gropey Joe snuffling in that background picture?

  27. Not Adahn

    Daily Quordle 94
    6️⃣3️⃣
    4️⃣5️⃣
    quordle.com
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    Rawr!

    • Grosspatzer

      Nice!

      Daily Quordle 94
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      • Sean

        Daily Quordle 94
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    • rhywun

      Top-left is asshoLe. Actually, all of them were.

      Daily Quordle 94
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      6️⃣8️⃣

      • SDF-7

        No argument here.
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  28. slumbrew

    Excellent stuff, CPRM!

    Morning, all.

    The dog did not want to sleep in.

    • Tres Cool

      Doge has you trained.

    • Festus

      Euphemism?

      • slumbrew

        Sadly, no.

        Wife, who normally handles the morning walks, is traveling for work. Dog don’t care, still wants out at 6.

        I, of course, anticipated this and went to bed early.

        Hah, j/k – still stayed up way too late. My own dumb fault.

    • Fourscore

      I had a dream last night, that my dog wanted to go outside. I woke up and remembered I don’t have a dog.

      This is true, dream or hallucination, but it must be something they put in the Johnsonville brats. Skip those at dinner time.

      • Pope Jimbo

        it must be something they put in the Johnsonville brats. Skip those at dinner time.

        “YOU NOT BOSS OF ME!!!”

        — Screaming Tribe of Cannibals

      • Pope Jimbo

        All cannibals know that kids are tasty. Doesn’t really matter how well behaved – or not – they might be.

      • Festus

        More tender. Like veal, I guess.

  29. Festus

    I have good days and bad days. Note to self – don’t stop for a gut bomb before your shift ever again. Man I dragged ass last night and those stairs were a caution. The sooner I’m rid of this wretched job the better.

    • Sean

      The sooner I’m rid of this wretched job the better.

      That’s the spirit!

      ?

      • Festus

        It scares me sometimes. Thanks, Friend!

  30. Sean

    Lulz.

    Apparently I won a holster on Gunbroker for $5 and change. Shipping was more than the item.

  31. UnCivilServant

    No friday mourning lynx?

    • UnCivilServant

      It’s thursday, that’s why.

      Darn.

      • Sean

        🙂

  32. Rebel Scum

    *looks around*

    This is highly irregular.

    • Sean

      Putin’s fault.

      • ron73440

        PUTIN!!!

    • Festus

      At least it shut that loudmouthed Festus up for awhile.

    • slumbrew

      We should demand a refund!

      • The Hyperbole

        I’m cancelling my subscription!

    • juris imprudent

      Aftermath of the zoom?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        What did I miss? Who Toobin’d?

      • Pope Jimbo

        It was a Threebin?

      • db

        I was completely clothed within the field of view of my camera.

  33. Not Adahn

    *flips table*

    • UnCivilServant

      You should aim to get it to land upright after the flip.

    • Rebel Scum

      In Putin’s Russia extra long table flips you!

  34. Sean

    TPTB must be busy getting their Waffle on.

    #waffle97 2/5

    ?????
    ?⭐?⬜?
    ?????
    ?⬜?⭐?
    ?????

    ? streak: 12
    ? #waffleelite
    wafflegame.net

      • The Hyperbole

        ? Apr 28, 2022 ?
        ? 14 | Avg. Guesses: 7.07
        ?⬜???? = 6

        #globle

  35. rhywun

    I guess I have to go find some work to do. ?

    • Sean

      Nah. New thread is up.

  36. The Late P Brooks

    More equaler

    For the last several weeks, Americans across the country have struggled to access the new Covid-19 antiviral pill, Pfizer’s Paxlovid. Eligibility was flexible but largely reserved for people “at high risk for progression to severe COVID-19,” according to the Food and Drug Administration’s emergency use authorization standards.

    That’s why public health experts were surprised last night when the vice president’s office revealed that the 57-year-old KAMALA HARRIS was taking the antiviral pill after she tested positive yesterday. Harris’ office said she is asymptomatic. And her office didn’t comment on whether she has any underlying health conditions that could make her more susceptible to a bad case of the disease.

    “Why,” asked JONATHAN REINER, professor of medicine and surgery at George Washington University School of Medicine & Health Sciences, “would you give Paxlovid to someone without symptoms?”

    ——-

    “I don’t think it’s unreasonable,” said CELINE GOUNDER, an infectious disease specialist and epidemiologist who’s also editor-at-large for public health at Kaiser Health News. She said the FDA’s reference to “high risk” for progression to severe disease in its Paxlovid fact sheet suggests a patient can be asymptomatic at time of diagnosis and still be eligible for the drug.

    “We know that the way that presidents, or in this case vice presidents, are treated is not necessarily the way the average person is treated,” added Gounder, who advised the Biden transition on Covid-19. “It’s not just about what is best for that patient – it’s about what’s best for the nation.”

    But medical ethicists argued that the moral rationalization for giving Harris the medication only underscores how unfair the system is.

    Something something heartbeat away from the Presidency.

    Also, medical ethicists should all be locked up in insane asylums, for the benefit of society.

    • Rebel Scum

      She’s A) more sickly than stated and/or B) still pushing the convid narrative.

    • rhywun

      She’s doing us a service by being a test guinea for that thing.

      We’re not worthy.

      • R.J.

        I know, let her turn green and sprout tentacles first.