A Glibertarians Exclusive – Mr. Okpik Goes to Washington, Part III
Washington DC – November 2028
The Okpik ticket – wags in the press had taken to calling it the “Okpicket” – was in the middle of a meteoric rise in the polls when Election Day finally came around. Several states that didn’t have write-in options on their Presidential ballots had passed legislation allowing such. When faced with throngs of thousands at the various state capitols demanding exactly that, they could scarcely have done otherwise.
Meanwhile, Quinn and Tuktu had learned more about the Constitution than they had ever known, given that previously they had known there was a constitution, and not much more. But when he and Tuktu had actually read that document, back in late June, it had been an eye-opener.
“Bro,” Quinn asked Tuktu one evening in their Washington hotel – the same one reserved for them following their flight from Anchorage. “Look at this here – the Tenth Amendment.”
Tuktu took the proffered document and read quickly. “Huh,” he observed. “Looks pretty clear to me. If it doesn’t say somewhere that the Federal government can do something, then they can’t do it.”
“Right,” Quinn said. “That’s how I see it. Now look through the rest of that,” he continued. “See if you can find anything in there about half the shit that Washington does. Like, say, energy. Or education.”
“Ain’t there,” Tuktu agreed.
“Yeah. It ain’t there. Interesting, eh?”
“We’re running on making sure Washington leaves folks alone,” Tuktu mused. “Seems to me that this is the ticket to that right here. How much of the meddling bullshit they’re doing isn’t in the constitution at all?”
“We sure aren’t the first ones to sing that tune,” Quinn pointed out. “And here we are, still in the same mess.”
“Yeah,” Quinn agreed. “But when have things ever been this bad before? When have this many people ever lost jobs because of this crap before? When have people had their land taken away because of this crap before?” Since their campaign had started, they had received emails, phone calls, messages from all over from citizens describing exactly that.
“Well, look who’s been in charge. We had a desiccated old coot whose brain was mush. Now we have a dumbass whose answer to every problem is to cackle at it. And in Congress? Same bunch of grifters and numbskulls as always.”
“Yeah,” Quinn said. “That’s been our whole reason for being here, hasn’t it? Time to try something new. Or maybe,” he tapped the printout of the Constitution, “something not so new – just been ignored for a long time.”
That was the message. At every rally, the crowds grew bigger. Campaign funds flew in – ten dollars here, twenty there, but donations came in from every corner of the country. The big ‘traditional’ donors tried to ignore the brothers, except for the “electric car guy” who kept paying their Washington hotel bill.
But the voters were paying attention.
Now, at last, the time was at hand. Quinn and Tuktu watched the television in their Washington hotel with amazement as the votes poured in, state after state going white – the color that the networks had somehow agreed to use for the Okpik insurgent campaign. Oh, there were a few exceptions. Massachusetts went blue as always, and Alabama went red, but only by narrow margins. Alaska, their home state, went overwhelmingly for the Okpik ticket.
The next morning, it was all over but the shouting. “Well,” Quinn observed, belaboring the obvious, “we did it.”
“Damn right,” Tuktu agreed. “So, what do we do now?
“What we said we were gonna do. What else?” He picked a business card. On it was the name and contact number for the Washington bureau chief of one of the major cable news networks. He dialed quickly.
“Peter,” he said when the person on the other end answered. “Quinn Okpik. Oh, you’re damn right I’ve got a statement. Tell the people they can relax now. Their part is over. Take a nap, enjoy the day. Now it’s our turn. Tuktu and I have a lot of work to do. When it’s done, everyone will be able to rest easy at last.”
***
Washington DC – January 2029
Quinn and Tuktu listened to the murmurs of the crowd as they mounted the platform to be sworn in. Tuktu took the oath as Vice President first, then it was Quinn’s turn. The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court nodded at Quinn. His right hand was raised; in his left, he held not the traditional Bible, but rather a small replica of a stone figure called an Inukshuk. “It’s a traditional signpost of the Inupiat,” Quinn had explained to him earlier, “it shows us the way.”
The Chief Justice administered the oath, with Quinn repeating the words that forty-seven before him had taken:
“I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”
Quinn shook the Chief Justice’s hand, then smiled as the now-former President – his predecessor – approached.
She extended her hand. Quinn took her manicured hand in his calloused one and shook. “You may find,” now former President Harris said, “that holding this office is a lot harder than criticizing your predecessor.”
Quinn couldn’t help himself. He knew there was an open mike nearby capturing the comments. He went ahead anyway, with Tuktu grinning at his side:
“How hard could it be?” he told the former President. “I mean, you’ve been doing it.”
“Damn right,” Tuktu added.
The now-former President sputtered, looked once at Quinn, then at Tuktu, then back at Quinn. Then, in dudgeon well past high, she turned and stomped off.
***
Washington DC – June 2029
“Is he serious?” The Senate Majority Leader looked, incredulous, at the bags of shredded paper on the floor of the House.
“I’d say he is,” the Speaker of the House replied.
Three weeks before, the White House had submitted the first proposed budget, for fiscal year 2030. In one small file folder. Congress, as Congress is wont to do, cheerfully pronounced that budget “dead on arrival” and proceeded as they always did.
Once that was done and the budget passed the House and then the Senate, President Okpik insisted on seeing the proposed budget – printed on paper. Three large trucks delivered boxes of paper to the White House.
Now it was two weeks later. Three large trucks delivered sack after sack of shredded paper to the House of Representatives.
A White House messenger approached the Speaker. “I’m supposed to give you this,” the messenger said, “from the President.” He handed the Speaker a plain unmarked letter-sized envelope.
The Speaker looked at the Majority Leader. The Majority Leader shrugged. “Open it.”
The Speaker opened the envelope. There was, within, one sheet of paper. The Speaker unfolded the paper. The two read the message, handwritten in a simple, blocky hand, taking up all of one side of the sheet:
FUCK YOU
CUT SPENDING
“Yes,” the Speaker said. “I’d say he’s serious.”
***
A cat’s meow and a cow’s moo to you know I, I could recite them all
Just tell me where it hurts you, honey, and I’ll tell you who to call
Nobody can get asleep, you know there’s someone on everybody’s toes
When Quinn the Eskimo gets here everybody’s gonna wanna doze
Oh come all without, come all within
You’ll not see nothing like the mighty Quinn
Come all without, come all within
You’ll not see nothing like the mighty Quinn
Libertarian porn, and I approve.
Fantasy pr0n.
Impeachment in 3…2…1…
Okpik is obviously the Inuit face of White Supremacy.
What color is Okpik so I know what food analogy to use?
Next step is the Congress submits a budget exactly the same as before…but with all funds for the Secret Service removed.
Meh, since when do they need an actual budget to keep spending as usual. They just do continuing resolutions ad infinitum.
Yeah, technically the budget doesn’t matter – appropriations do.
I budgeted my revenue to be $1B more than my expenses. Revenue and expenses did not cooperate.
LOL!
Great ending, Animal!
I love it. But this should not be the end!
I like the dig on Harris.
Just like any other fairy tale with a happy ending.
Safer streets.
🙄
That’s embarrassing.
Some of the replies are though.
“Did y’all stop and frisk john Wilkes booth at Port Authority???”
My favorite:
“Keeping the streets safe from 1890s riverboat gamblers”
Missed it by that much…
The expressions and body language in that photo op say a lot.
They finally caught John Wilkes Booth?
We can dream…
Have you never worked with state procurements before? Even if we got approval from budget this instant, there would be no chance in hell a PO would be cut this week. Hell, we’d have to spend more time than that collecting bids.
On second read-through of their email, they may have meant “let me know some time this week if we’ll see the PO soon.” Which, while more reasonable is not the first reading of how it was phrased.
Good thing I decided to comment here to avoid a snap response.
It’s usually a good idea, when something throws you for a loop or angers/flumoxes you, to step back and re-read it a little while later, rather than responding immediately. Sometimes people don’t express themselves all that clearly, and you can end up looking like the jerk if you assume incompetence or malice on their part.
I am a jerk, but I maintain a professional facade in the office.
We have uploaded over 20k images to the media library here?
How many of them are from Q?
He doesn’t generally upload them to WordPress.
These are things like article images, NA’s doggie pics, etc
Was expecting the answer to be “Not enough.”
Sorry, I got switched to professional communication mode dealing with people in the office.
About 500 of a squinting Clint Eastwood
And how many different cat butt pics?
^(^
(*)
At least two.
^)^
(*)
^(^
(Ж)
Russian cat’s butt.
I contributed the cat butt tattoo image, but I’m not sure that one has ever been deployed.
This is the one he is referring to.
Ewww
There is/can only be one.
Yes.
Won’t forget this site has been going for years now and has over two and a quarter million comments, anywhere from 1-3 articles a day, and an engaged user community.
Still not engaged.
I think it’s an issue with your clutch, you should have a professional take a look.
So when are you going to pop the question?
Never really planning on it.
Obligatory: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hEyWqVfY4vo
(Can’t right-click on phone. Skip to 55 second mark.)
I LOL’d
Relevant
Great job, Animal.
“FUCK YOU CUT SPENDING!”
I’ll be in my bunk.
Animal, this was fantastic. Thank you.
Great story but why does it have to be fiction?
Like a barracks story that starts out “This is no shit”
I think you said you had another one in mind, good, we’re waiting
“What is the difference between a fairy tale and a war story?”
“There is only one difference…A fairy tale starts out ‘Once upon a time’, while a war story starts out ‘no shit, there I was…’ “
‘no shit, there I was…’
Many, many stories start this way. Only some of them related to the armed services.
But war stories always seem to start that way.
I will take your word for it.
I was just noting that many of my friends are prone to starting conversations this way.
In college it was. “So we were drinking one night… “
“So we were drinking one night… “
I’m going to need more specificity.
This should help your storytelling friends.
Never tell war stories when there is a legitimate badass in the room. From experience during an training exercise when I encountering a former SOT-A voice interceptor.
There was a fellow in my AIT class who was going full time active duty after 15 years in the Reserve… as an 18B (Special Forces Weapons Sgt.) He had more ribbons and hash marks than the entirety of our Drill Cadre combined.
“…ballllls deep in M60 brass…”
Barry Sadler explains it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJfnBJ3t1E4
Continuing from the dead thread:
“Both the Scots and the Irish would see you drawn and quartered for lumping them under the English.”
But the Czechs and Austrians would be okay with being lumped under Germany?
But the Czechs and Austrians would be okay with being lumped under Germany?
No they would not.
This is from the beer thread? Beer from the British Isles is good. As well as Belgian, German, Czech, Polish, etc. etc.
Been stuck on support calls all day, but I’ve got that article up to read later.
One other family that you may want to consider would be Ancient/Old styles (Chica, Sahti, etc).
The Dogfish Head Ancient Ales series was absolutely delightful. I wish more brewers would do the same.
https://www.dogfish.com/blog/ancient-ales
I’ll be in my bunk.
Brought a smile to my face, a tear to my eye, and I believe my black, dead heart actually beat a few times.
Cheers, Animal!
Thanks Animal! I do believe you have penned the Quinntesential libertarian pipe dream.
Um…ok.
The House GOP leadership has enabled white nationalism, white supremacy, and anti-semitism. History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.
@GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them.
Thankfully we have real Republicans like Liz Cheney ready to set us all straight.
Liz can shove it up her ass.
The federal government is in the process of creating a bunch of boogeymen, with one very big boogeyman at the top, Putin.
A primary motivating factor is the Federal Reserve. They only have two options now, rampant stagflation for years and years, or a major credit crisis that will exceed 1929. My prediction is that they’re going to pick the former and blame it on RusPutin possibly to the extent of getting us in a hot war. They’re certainly not going to take responsibility for trashing the currency and economy, so they’re going to shift blame and kill untold numbers in order to keep their perceived authority. It’s what governments do.
with one very big boogeyman at the top, Putin
Look at this about McDonalds exiting from Russia
https://www.wsj.com/articles/mcdonalds-to-exit-from-russia-11652697074
Cuts 62,000 jobs in what appear to be profitable restaurants just to jab Putin in the eye. Although, I assume that McDonald’s is being heavily pressured by the US government to make the “correct” decision.
They see the writing on the wall.
Amazing how McDonalds could start restaurants under the Soviet Union (and Pepsi did business for years there), was perfectly fine for the past twenty years of Putin including the Georgian War, Crimea takeover, and various other adventures, but suddenly it all needs to go in a fire sale.
I went to the McD’s in Pushkin Square in the mid 90s when it was the biggest McDs on the planet. I took it as a sign the cold war was over.
What this current action signals is not pleasant.
Yup.
There used to be a theory (or observation) that no two countries that had McDs had fought each other in war, because “progress” or what not.
That theory is crap now.
Not if those restaurants become not-McDonalds.
Friedman was full of crap all along.
Not if those restaurants become not-McDonalds.
They are McDs now. I presume Ukraine has McDs. Therefore, the theory is crap.
Oh, I dunno about Ukraine.
I thought we were talking U.S. and Russia.
It appears there are a number of them in Ukraine.
I too remember the wonderful Pepsi ad campaign that had Cindy Crawford touring Russia to introduce Pepsi Blue.
https://www.csmonitor.com/1996/0429/042996.intl.letterfrom.1.html
You’re presuming the local buyer will just fire everybody?
I don’t know what the transition will look like. McDonald’s is not making their exit contingent on finding a local buyer, which presumably would keep the stores open.
Based on Russia’s stance towards international companies who decide to cease operations within their borders, I suspect McDonalds will end up exiting without a buyer and Russia will distribute stores to local owners. Who knows how many stores will remain open while the new owners seek the logistics of maintaining hundreds of stores.
Words like “sedition” and “white supremacy”?
I can’t help but wonder if the words she had in mind were along the lines of “We hold these truths to be self-evident…”
*yawn*
So tedious.
Congratulations, you’ve completely surpassed you dad as a despicable piece of shit.
Doesn’t she have witch-hunt to help run? Where does she find the time to grandstand too?!
She’s just auditioning for a job with some propaganda outfit. She’ll need one come January.
well, gosh, Liz, maybe you should resign from Congress or change parties if you think that way.
https://media.giphy.com/media/BYhoMtJMQsYVy/giphy.gif
My efforts are wasted on you people.
Sorry slumbrew.
*kicks at dirt*
LOL. Good one.
I have an article posting tonight. I will be working, but will pop in from time to time and see if there are any questions.
I had to shuffle it in the schedule, kinnath. It will still be this week, however.
no problem. I was just trying to keep track so that I could participate if needed. I will look for it later.
Great job, Animal! If only…
Great piece, Animal. Sort of a dream scenario.
(I dreamt I had a dream last night A dream as real as me A dream within a dream It was a funny little dream)
And those mere points of time
When the confines of the waking world
Blend with the world of dreams.
And so I captured this fancy
Where all that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZyNKrYo9I4
I went hier
Not here?
I went hier
I had a dream about my man last night…
King of Rain
Paging Nina Jankowicz.
Today’s terrorist attack will be politicized and lied about. The man was under demonic influence. Completely incoherent “ideology.” Hybrid of Nazism with green new deal leanings. He called himself a left wing “green nationalist.”
That’s why you can’t post the document.
You think that’s misinfo or are you craving some badly rendered showtimes?
She would call it misinfo. even though it is true.
Today in “stop fucking testing yourself for no reason”:
NYC heads to ‘high’ COVID alert, offering masks, tests — despite milder cases
I guess current Panic levels were insufficient.
Preparing the field for the midterms has already begun. Panicmongers start your engines!
Stop, I can only get so hard.
In the next they get impeached.