“I’ll just say what we are all thinking,” Mitch mumbled. “Roe v. Wade being overturned is going to be a fucking disaster.”
Matt’s cubical head grimaced. “Washington DC runs on abortion. Without it…”
“Think about how mad I am!” Bill said in a raspy drawl. “One more punch on my card and my tenth abortion would have been free!”
“Can you even, you know, anymore?” George asked. Bill was ghastly in eco-friendly fluorescents of the meeting chamber.
“Ah got fingers, don’t I? I still have cigars and a tongue!” Bill insisted. There were groans around the table.
“We’re not even halfway through the summer intern season,” Josh said sadly. “And the fall crop of aides will be coming here soon.”
“Well, I’m not gonna start wearing goddamn condoms,” Matt said. There were nods all around the table.
“And you can’t trust cooze when they say they are on birth control,” Bill said. His voice rose in a mocking falsetto, “Don’t worry, I have an IUD.”
“They never have an IUD,” George said. “And I swear they get pregnant the first time you nut in ‘em.”
“Ah never got an aide pregnant,” a voice drawled. Five or six of the men at the table groaned and said, “Shut up, Lindsay!”
Barry put on his best shit-eating grin. “Me neither,” he said and then paused to light a Newport.
“How is that possible?” Bill asked, his ashen face screwing itself up.
“I pinch my hog right before I jizz. Diverts it into my bladder,” Barry said smugly. “It’s an ancient Chinese secret taught to me by Angela Merkel.”
“I guess we could get vasectomies,” Mitch ventured.
“Fuck that,” Bill said. “I’m not letting some doctor cut off my balls.”
“That’s not what happens, Bill,” Barry said.
“I don’t fucking care. I’ve had knives and scissors near my balls too many times to volunteer for it.”
“We could go back to just blowing loads on their faces,” George offered.
“Pre-cum,” Matt said. “That’s got me twice. Fucking bleeding me dry; they all love Planned Parenthood but insist on a fancy clinic when it comes their turn.”
Numerous hands pounded on the table in agreement.
“We could go back to blow-jobs only,” Mitt said. Cries of “Who let fuckface in here?” and “Noooo! I need my sloppy creampies!” went around the room.
“It was your wife, Hawley!” someone yelled. “You did this to us!” Josh blanched and stepped away from the table.
“Now, now, gentlemen,” Mitch said. “We can’t turn on each other.”
“Y’all are forgetting the old ways, the tried and true ways, the ways we used to do it,” said Joe, squinting in the pool of light around the table.
“There aren’t enough flights of stairs in all of DC!” George said forcefully.
“You punch her, dammit, punch her right in the twat, and and and that place right above, you know, below the belly button, you know, the place!” Joe said.
“The fupa,” Matt said and grinned to himself.
“I heard you can dust yr pecker with cocaine and cause contractions,” Bill said.
“They make abortion pills, you know,” Josh said. “I use them on my wife all the time.”
“Where are we supposed to buy these magical pills, if they even exist? Canada?” a voice asked.
“Or Mexico,” Josh said.
“What about feedin’ them Plan B every day?” Mitch asked. “We can put it in the water in their break room.”
“They’d all have constant periods and be of no use to anyone,” Matt said. “And all the male aides would turn into fairies.”
“Fairies?” Lindsay asked, sitting up for the first time and paying attention.
“Doughy, fat fairies from all the estrogen,” Matt said glumly.
“Ah like ‘em fat,” Lindsay said. “Just get in there and get a real double handful.”
The bolted door to the meeting door swung open, the alarms failed to sound, and a diving bell shape loomed in the bright light from the hallway.
“Or we take care of them my way,” Hillary said.
“RUN!” Bill screamed hoarsely. “RUN!”
I’ve had knives and scissors near my balls too many times to volunteer for it.
My favorite line. Taps side of nose – Bill knows.
Yo, this one is epic.
Well done.
I love the bit about Lindsay.
“Lindsay, for the last goddamn time, they can’t get pregnant from fucking you!“
Yes that was masterfully placed at the right time
As I was reading I was thinking of the lines I would quote as my favorite, but by the end I realized I would have to quote the entire story and thought that would be uncouth.
Bravo. Bra. Fucking. Vo.
Concur.
The “pinch” technique from Merkel got me a call from my wife in the kitchen – “what the hell are you cackling about?!”
Uh-may-zing.
Wow.
The bolted door to the meeting door swung open, the alarms failed to sound, and a diving bell shape loomed in the bright light from the hallway.
I’ll be laughing at this line the rest of the day.
SF is going to end up like Cawthorn. Or the House Sgt at Arms.
Librarian of Congress.
*begins drafting petition for deaccessioning*
Sorry, Confused about who some of the personalities were supposed to be.
Matt?
Hitch?
George?
Those are mostly the ones I’m not getting
Matt Gaetz? Or this a senator only show?
George is George Bush the Younger.
The one with a purity cock ring?
“Oh, my!”
Hitch should be Mitch. Fucking typos.
Aww. I was hoping that Christopher Hitchens had faked his death.
My guess is that Josh is US Senator Josh Hawley (R, MO), and Matt is Congressman Matt Gaetz (R, FL).
Yes. And Dubya.
I have no idea why, but this made me lol.
Rayciss
I am not sure i know all the characters
Will next week give the inside background on Cassidy Hutchinson?
Three former Presidents and the current President. The Senate Minority Leader, another two Senators and a Representative.
So if I’m reading this right.
Dramatis personae in order of appearance.
MItch McConnel
Matt Gaetz
Bill Clinton
George Bush the lesser.
Josh Hawley
Lindsey Graham
Barak Obama
Joe Biden
Mitt Romney
Hitch (misspelling of Mitch)
Hillary Clinton
I did not know the matt and did not get barry was obama
Barry O
Barry is the pejorative nickname right wing radio leveled against him…also his nickname growing up
Was that back when he was a pampered pothead in Hawaii?
I think it’s the americanized version of Barak. Or so says the interwebs
Missed Romney, first time through.
You silly Switzen, you forgot your Mittens?
*applause*
*standing ovation*
Some of your best work, sir!
Seconded. You’ve got a lot of great ones, but I think this might be my favorite. You even worked in a great Lindsay Graham is in the closet joke. Just perfection.
I love the idea that all these bubbling old fools secretly get together in a locked room to decide all the important things…like how to stay in the no rub club. Their going to knock up interns without protection dammit, that part is not up for debate. It reminded me of this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNnnM6LTBmw
Exactly what I was expecting.
I am taking Bill’s advice… “RUN!” Bill screamed hoarsely. “RUN!”
They caught the next part on video
I honestly can’t pick out a favorite bit.
Bravo!
OT: Getting ugly in the Netherlands
This really is stunningly retarded. The neo-Malthusians are ramping fast.
What’s the problem? If you need food you just go to the store?
Are they soybean farmers? They look like Williamsburg hipsters.
Have you ever met any Dutch people?
Bimodal distribution, in my limited experience – puffy with big guts or skinny.
Dudes too, I imagine.
I just expect farmers to look a bit more hardy.
They the ones who use bicycle powered tractors?
I misread that as “Getting ugly on the Neanderthals” and I was about to defend my ancestors.
“So bland, even a caveman can eat it.”
The Dutch? Really?
Things are truly fucked up.
TMITE explainer
Tell me how your plant-based fantasies will work once the topsoil is completely destroyed by monocropping.
Great minds, etc…
It’s hard not to conclude that the WEF plans for depopulating the planet is happening.
And the Malthusians are going to kill a fuckload of people.
From that article:
I was wondering when I could mark of Dust Bowl 2.0 on my bingo card
They warn that farmers will have to adapt or face the prospect of shuttering their businesses.
I hope the Dutch like food shortages.
Don’t worry, they’ve got deep stocks of those tins of butter cookies.
Aren’t those Danish, not Dutch?
There’s a difference?
Keeshond v. Great Dane.
The Danes were Vikings, the Dutch were occupied by Spain.
I’m an American, and not required to know the difference.
the Dutch were occupied by Spain.
I seem to recall they kicked the Spainers out following a protracted and brutal war.
Yes, there’s a difference between the Dutch and the Danish.
The butter cookies in a tin are Danish. These cookies are Dutch.
Not only did the Dutch kick out the Spanish, they also fought and won several wars against the English. Unfortunately, the Dutch didn’t win all of their wars against the English.
Finally, a Dutch Colony was the first to acknowledge US independence from Britain.
These cookies are Dutch.
First time my daughter told me about those, I thought she said “Stroopwaffen” and was imaging some nefarious Nazi military force from WW2. Beware the Stroopwaffen!
It will be a treat for sure.
What you just did there…I got stuck paying for half! 😒
Tell me how your plant-based fantasies will work once the topsoil is completely destroyed by monocropping.
I’ve seen organic-farming-pushers claim the topsoil will be better and we’ll produce even more food with stuff like this.
They were serious.
Norman Borlaug is spinning in his grave.
EXPLAINER: Why are Dutch farmers protesting over emissions?
Wow. So much stupid/evil.
The Netherlands is a tiny country, set in between larger industrial countries. Whatever they do to reduce any emissions won’t make a damn bit of difference anywhere, not even in their own country.
This is just stupidly evil to reduce the local food supply to destroy and control the middle class, or whatever much of it still exists there at this point.
The Netherlands is a tiny country, set in between larger industrial countries.
I thought this was the start of a riff on Kamala’s comments on Ukraine.
I think her’s might go “The Netherlands is a country that is neither here, nor there, and sometimes confused with another small country bordering a bigger country (that had Nazis), but it isn’t.”
I saw a substack post, maybe linked here or maybe in a discord channel I’m on, comparing rural Dutch folks with urban Dutch folks. Rural Dutch have resisted getting the Covid-19 vaccine unlike urban Dutch. The comparison was to show that Sars-CoV-2 is mutating in a way to avoid the vaccine.
I wonder if the powers-that-be in the Netherlands are trying to kill two birds with one stone here.
Great. My folks are supposed to be vacationing in the Netherlands next month. Awesome.
Hey, my mom was just turned away from Canada!
Not enough paperwork.
Advise them to take their own food.
And an umbrella.
Such a shitty situation.
A shit cannon is a beautiful thing as long as you aren’t down range.
There are only two things I can’t stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.
My favorite line from that movie.
“And I don’t like anybody very much.” https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OUfUAnqRJTQ
Clearly the EU’s plan to avoid people freezing to death this winter is to starve them before winter comes.
“I pinch my hog right before I jizz. Diverts it into my bladder,” Barry said smugly. “It’s an ancient Chinese secret taught to me by Angela Merkel.”
I lost my coffee on that one.
After the first line, I set mine down.
It was the right call.
I had mine in hand and decided to not drink while reading for the sake of the papers on my desk.
But that was my favorite line, too.
I have no idea where he comes up with this stuff… truly inspired.
Oh, I didn’t make that up…
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retrograde_ejaculation
Hasn’t NA warned us about that in some IFLA posts?
I’ve talked with him about bladder sphincter tighten exercises but he just ignores me.
You should introduce him to STEVE SMITH. After that he’ll have no choice but to listen to you if he wants to keep his intestines in.
Holy shit, this is one for the ages! Too many killer lines to pick out favorites.
Awesome work!
It’s a modern day dark South Park.
https://www.ny1.com/nyc/all-boroughs/news/2022/06/29/nyc–ny-attorney-general-file-lawsuits-against-companies-selling-gun-ghosts
Ghost gunz!
Headline specifically says gun ghosts – the specters of all those poor firearms tragically drowned in boating accidents. 👻👻👻
Not gun ghosts!
Zoinks!!
Jinkies!
NY attorney general file lawsuits against companies selling gun ghosts
What?
According to the mayor, the five retailers — based in Missouri, Washington, Florida, and North Carolina — “advertised and sold through their websites” unfinished frames, receivers, and ghost gun kits to an investigator.
The gun components were shipped to an address in the city, violating state and city laws, the mayor said in a statement later.
I take it that you cuntes are not tired of being smacked down by scotus just yet.
NYC pols are stubborn tyrants.
Hey, it’s not their money and lawyers gotta eat too
Best outcome, the lawsuit gets smacked down with a declaration that bans on homemade firearms are unconstitutional.
I blame the shipping company. They’re the ones actually violating local laws.
I blame the state and city for having unconsitutional laws.
Or the city of NY violating federal firearms laws.
Yeah, shipping companies should be aware that NY does not want guns or ghost guns or gun ghosts to be delivered to the wrong sort of people.
But they don’t know what’s in those boxes, and these companies sell products not unconstitutionally banned.
I believe the way it works is that the responsible party is the one with the deepest pockets.
^^ Wise.
I’m dressing as a gun ghost this Halloween.
“We are not going to let gun companies turn New York City into a city of mail-order murder,” Adams said in a statement. “Whether they are hidden in the trunks of cars or packed in a plain brown box, ghost guns are illegal in our city, and we will take every lawful action possible to stop gun retailers from profiting at the expense of the safety of our city.”
Go fuck yourself.
I’m tempted to buy more build kits.
Hawt.
This is possibly the most disgusting episode yet. Kudos?
And probably the most true to life
After 32 years in that shithole, I can say this is definitely very close to nonfiction
Srsly. “Mitt Romney” should not be mentioned within nine words of mentions of “sex.”
Obviously at some point he had to pull his little pecker through his church issued underoos to make Romnettes. I know it’s uncomfortable for you, but it’s a fact of life.
There could have been a turkey baster involved. You don’t know.
There also could have been another man involved
I guess technically it would still just be one man since Romneybot has passed the threshold of being more than 50% cybernetic. He’s something else now…..
There is a meme on FB about how a law should be passed to make men responsible for the babies they create (never mind that it mostly does exist), yadda-yadda. My comment to the people that have posted it is “you know, the religious folks (Christian, Muslim, Hindu) don’t have a problem with this proposal. Now the moneyed elite of the left and the right…”. You know, like all these political types, and their boys.
*points to Hunter Biden*
A man doesn’t get a say in child support.
His money, my choice?
This meme has been around for a while. I’ve also seen similar ones.
Also, I just happened to see this unrelated meme when I was looking for that one, and it made me laugh.
I have a modest proposal. Create a dlgenetic database of all men and implement automatic paternety test at birth for every child. That will settle it. Also if the husband is not the father brand the woman with a giant A
I’m okay with this.
There is a meme on FB about how a law should be passed to make men responsible for the babies they create
Wow. Are people really that stupid? Because that’s really, really stupid.
Yes. Yes they are.
And they VOTE!
Excellent work. And very nice finish. Hillary ruins everything or Hillary rides to the rescue?
Tomato, tomatoe.
So with the Breyer retirement, another SC opening and process will be up. Amongst all the other stuff that’s gonna go on around that, I really hope Brandon ends up off-script in front of a microphone mumbling over whether it’ll be a “normal guy” or another AA candidate. Preferably with him throwing in a few casual racial epithets about Jackson.
Jackson is the Breyer replacement.
Really? OK, well I suppose that shows how much attention I was paying to that. Hopefully then he’ll at least call her “Jumanji” or something.
It was an embarrassing display. Particularly by senator Spartacus.
Which one is that?
new jersey I believe
Booker? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GpzKN-tIxBw
The high point of her confirmation hearing was when she said she didn’t know what a woman was because she’s not a biologist.
Whatever half-wit was questioning her missed a million follow-up questions, but mostly “So, do you know if you are a woman?”.
She was there to prove her Soviet level of commitment to an obviously and patently false narrative about gender. She passed with flying colors.
You know, if you were willing to be a shameless party apparatchik, you too may one day be eligible to be appointed to the most apolitical, non-partisan government institute that we have making decisions that effect hundreds of millions of lives and be completely insulated from the “democratic process” and any form of accountability.
Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
I hate them both.
#metoo
FactsNarrative FirstA quintet of courageous American women are defending American democracy in its darkest hour, and effectively delivering a warning about the rage and tyranny that may await if Donald Trump gets back into the White House after 2024. …
In the latest show of bravery that has emerged as a rare bright light in a 2020 election tale of violence, lies and deception, Cassidy Hutchinson, a 26-year-old former aide to White House chief of staff Mark Meadows, on Tuesday delivered some of the most disturbing testimony yet about Trump’s unhinged behavior 17 months ago.
Stunning, brave, defender of Democracy.
🤮
Lol. However, the J6 got what they needed, even as the SS is flat out refuting the events. Wonder if there will be calls to indict her for lying to Congress. Okay I Crack myself up
It’s only lying if she goes off the script they gave her. Don’t you even kangaroo court bro?
Hearsay is a kind of testimony, I guess.
She honestly reported what she heard, from persons unknown.
It really is incredible how many stunning and brave truth tellers have chosen to remain humbly anonymous in their selfless and righteous crusade against orange HitlerSatan. I would normally be concerned about the lack of journalistic integrity in citing so many sources that can’t be named or fact-checked, but in the fight against the imminent rise of fascism, you have to recognize that it’s not lying even if you have to make things up out of whole cloth to get your desired outcome. That’s antifascism.
I didn’t watch, but did anyone ask her who she heard this from?
The hearing’s screenplay writer?
Hearsay is a kind of testimony, I guess.
Typically, the inadmissable kind.
A quintet of courageous American women are defending American democracy in its darkest hour, and effectively delivering a warning about the rage and tyranny that may await if Donald Trump gets back into the White House after 2024.
No more! No more! Aaaahahahaaaaahahaaaaaaaa
My spleen is about to rupture! Haaaahaahahahahaaaahahaahaa
a 2020 election tale of violence, lies and deception
Actually, a good description of the committee hearings.
“Y’all are forgetting the old ways, the tried and true ways, the ways we used to do it,” said Joe, squinting in the pool of light around the table.
Drowning?
That was Ted Kennedy.
Eric Swalwell just goes to the Chinese Embassy.
But an hour later he’s horny again.
Excellent.
Taking showers with your daughter.
He was just doing his part to try to save water, there’s a shortage in some
mismanagedareas due to Republican actions.I read this while sitting in the back of a meeting. No idea what was said for about 15 minutes.
Laser engraved AR mags.
Pondering a Himiko Toga one, which I had to look up to understand.
Misfits one is sweet.
“The Jesus Chicken mag”
L.O.L.
Do they also have engraved clips.or only mags?
No one engraves their stripper clips, but you can get a stripper engraved mag.
Upotte!!
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Manga/Upotte
They have various classes of weapons of all kinds.
I, for one, hope he does because of the limitless entertainment value.
While the general public will understandably be fixated on those shocking anecdotes, my hope is that Attorney General Merrick Garland is fixated on one thing: preparing to charge Donald Trump with crimes.
Garland is repeatedly described as an “institutionalist.” He rightly doesn’t want it to appear that the Justice Department is engaged in a partisan prosecution. But the reality is that given the avalanche of evidence against Trump that the nation has seen at these hearings, Garland must charge Trump for his apparent crimes or risk undermining the very institutions he so desperately wants to protect. Those are the stakes.
He rightly doesn’t want it to appear that the Justice Department is engaged in a partisan prosecution
Haaaaaahahaahahahaahaha
*gasp*
Aaaaaaaahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaaaaaaaaa
Ya know, they really missed an opportunity with Garland. They should have put him in charge of the secret service. Just think of the title – Merrick Garland, SS commander.
The key word in that statement is “appear”.
“We’ve got him now!”
“This time for sure!”
“The walls are closing in!”
“the avalanche of evidence”
Means nothing without the word “credible”.
Well, he is – reportedly – a comedian.
Dean-O that is.
that the nation has seen at these hearings – has the nation seen ? I was given to believe the nation mostly ignored the hearings
Doing my new house internet test. T mobile 5g is not perfect or blindingly fast, but it seems to work for now. The teevee, via roku, successfully streamed youtube, a Zatoichi movie (which I had to force myself to turn off) and Pandora. The computer seems to be working, too. I forgot to grab the roku remote, but was actually able to use my phone as the remote with the roku app.
Another thing sticken off the list.
That’s all well and good, but nowhere in there did I see the Cal score.
Which Zatoichi movie?
“This time for sure!”
*pulls rhinoceros from top hat*
NOPE!
IMAGE FAIRY INTERVENES!
Wishful thinking follows:
Seems like West Virginia vs. EPA will drop tomorrow. I’m hoping, even though I shouldn’t, that it utterly decimates the unconstitutional administrative state. The majority had the guts for Bruen and Dobbs – hopefully they have the guts for this. Maybe even keeping it for last as it’s (in their world) a bigger bombshell than even Dobbs.
Maybe. Prolly not. But maybe.
The last two left are WV v EPA and Texas v Biden. Big ones, both.
I can easily see the court going “The law did not grant this authority to the EPA, therefore the EPA cann’t assert it for themselves”
Would that overturn Marbury v Madison since the law didn’t grant the court that authority?
Hell overturn everything and start over
Now you are talking!
Articles of Confederation, here we come!
Code of Hammurabi FTW!
That latecomer?
Which Zatoichi movie?
The 2003 one, with the big dance scene at the end.
Whew, Mrs. TOK is salty today. She made the mistake of opening Facebook and seeing several friends had posted pro-abortion memes.
I am sorry your partner is a traitor to the sex assigned at birth which is not real anyway
🙂
Damn, this place is infested with Gender Traitors!
I had to explain to the girlfriend that all the decision did was turn it back to the states.
“How is that possible?” Bill asked, his ashen face screwing itself up.
“I pinch my hog right before I jizz. Diverts it into my bladder,” Barry said smugly. “It’s an ancient Chinese secret taught to me by Angela Merkel.”
Bathhouse Barry having sex with women?
“You punch her, dammit, punch her right in the twat, and and and that place right above, you know, below the belly button, you know, the place!” Joe said.
I can see Joe saying that. And doing it.
That’s a good ending.
Bathhouse Barry having sex with women?
Yeah, I was expecting him to be in the same camp as Lindsey.
Michelle is a woman, for certain values of the word.
I did enjoy the “conspiracy theory” posts back in the day on Michelle’s manhood.
Those were simpler, more innocent times . . . .
Wookie
One “conspiracy theory” that still interests me is Obama wearing a wedding ring in college. Which is apparently the same ring he still wears now as a married man. The conspiracy theory part of it is that it supposedly has “There is no god but Allah” inscribed on it, which is proof that he’s a secret Muslim. That doesn’t interest me. What *does* interest me is… what man wears a wedding ring in college, when he isn’t married? And why would he wear the same ring when he did get married? That’s some weird shit.
That was a STEVE SMITH promise ring. And you know the promises STEVE SMITH makes.
I bet Michelle enjoys helping him prepare for the “big day.”
A lifetime of faithful monogamy, attentiveness and deep concern for his partner’s emotional well being and reliable financial security?
Maybe he was “married” to his sister.
Being married attracts the right sort of woman if that’s what you’re looking for.
Yeah, I considered that angle. But then why use the same ring as a wedding ring after you actually get married? It’s just strange.
I hear there are some “available” women who only go for married men to avoid emotional entanglements. A wedding ring can serve as a sign that the dude is only interested in a hookup. Or so I hear.
SugarFree, you are a special kind of twisted genius. Ausgezeichnet.
LOLZ
SugarFree?
Shakespeare Unleashed https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/manbomb/shakespeare-unleashed?ref=4r7xmk
That looks tempting.
Too many good lines to pick from, and bonus points for avoiding reverse peristalsis. Kudos!
Remember That ‘$0.16’ July 4th Savings Last Year?
The average July 4th cookout will cost $69.68 — more than ten dollars more than last year, a 17 percent increase.
https://townhall.com/tipsheet/spencerbrown/2022/06/27/heres-how-much-more-youll-be-paying-for-your-bbqs-this-year-n2609094?utm_campaign=inarticle
I look forward to Blackberry’s take on this.
*crickets*