Joemala: Episode 72

by | Jun 8, 2022 | Joemala | 169 comments

 

“You really let us down, Amber,” Kamala purred into the phone. “This was a loss for all women. Amber, Amber, stop crying. It just is.”

“Who is she talking to?” Kaylieburrow asked, taking out a lollipop the size of a baby fist out of her mouth to speak. A thin line of red spit trailed out.

“Amber Heard,” Seresto replied, thumbs flying over her phone keyboard.

“The actress?” Kaylieburrow asked excitedly, “Star of… of… wait, what was she in?”

“Johnny Depp’s wife,” Astrid said. “There was a big trial?” she prompted.

“Oh, yeah,” Kayliehburrow said.

“Ex-wife,” Seresto said, “He abused her. He’s a wife-beater. #believewomen.”

“I thought he was too famous to be a wife-beater,” Kaylieburrow said.

“She’s crazy, she’s nuts,” Astrid said.

“You used to be a man, so of course you side with him,” Seresto shot back.

“I dressed as a man, I was never a man,” Astrid said.

“You had man-breasts and a male vagina, you were a man,” Seresto said. “Just like Elliot Page and Gordon Ramsey.”

“Gordon Ramsey does not have a vagina!’ Astrid shouted. Kamala withered her with a glare and she held her hands up to apologize.

“It’s a holocaust for women,” Kamala said. “An orgy of misogyny.”

“If Gordon Ramsey doesn’t have a vagina,” Seresto angrily whispered, “Then why does he always act like he’s on the fucking rag?”

“Who’s Gordon Ramsey?” Kaylieburrow asked.

“Yes, Amber, you’re Hitler in this analogy, literally Hitler,” Kamala said.

“Amber is not nuts,” Seresto said. “She was victimized by social media!”

“She shit in their bed, literally shit in her own bed,” Astrid said. “Cuckoo-bananas.”

“Sometimes women are so oppressed being married to abusive men, shitting on furniture is the only avenue of protest left to them,” Seresto smugged.

“Homeless women often don’t even have a bed to shit in,” Kaylieburrow said, nodding at her own thoughtfulness.

“Well, I’m sorry, Amber. I could have probably worked out some money if you had won. You betrayed all women everywhere for all time.”

“He threw her down a flight of stairs,” Seresto said.

“No, he didn’t. Did you even watch the trial? You need to get off TikTok.”

Seresto’s face turned pink and red, and then purplish, and she stomped out of the room.

“I am on the goddamn phone, ya know!” Kamala screamed.

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

169 Comments

  1. Bobarian LMD

    …and Gordon Ramsey.

    *Snort*

    • Bobarian LMD

      Kamala Godwinned Amber? Is that legal?

  2. Sean

    “Homeless women often don’t even have a bed to shit in,”

    lulz

    • juris imprudent

      The ‘nodded at her thoughtfulness’ was as perfect as the statement itself.

      • Tonio

        ^This.

    • Not Adahn

      Yup that was particularly great.

  3. juris imprudent

    How? How does he do it? Every time I thought I had a favorite line, the next one was as good if not better.

    • WTF

      So many great lines in this one.
      Awesome work, SF!

  4. Tundra

    “The actress?” Kaylieburrow asked excitedly, “Star of… of… wait, what was she in?”

    “Johnny Depp’s wife,” Astrid said

    Ouch. Nice one, SF!

    • Bobarian LMD

      She was Aquaman’s wife, too!

      Fish-Fucker!

  5. juris imprudent

    Oh, and there is NO FUCKING WAY that sign above their heads was NOT photo-shopped in.

    • Sean

      Hung with a command strip hook. I believe it’s real.

  6. Rebel Scum

    shitting on furniture is the only avenue of protest left to them

    Like a cat.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Ain’t that the truth

  7. Zwak, who counted all his blessings, and counted only one.

    That is a lot of teeth.

    • rhywun

      I’m baffled what they’re even doing in the same snapshot.

    • juris imprudent

      Another point of how this must’ve been photoshopped – there is no bit of flesh caught between any of those teeth.

  8. DEG

    “If Gordon Ramsey doesn’t have a vagina,” Seresto angrily whispered, “Then why does he always act like he’s on the fucking rag?”

    Ouch.

    • kinnath

      That was my favorite line.

    • Grosspatzer

      Priceless.

  9. Mojeaux

    on the rag

    I have a complicated history with that phrase. It’s half funny, half cringe.

    • SugarFree

      I often try to walk that line.

      • Zwak, who counted all his blessings, and counted only one.

        It’s like listening to a Stranglers song.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Perpendicularly.

      • Bobarian LMD
  10. juris imprudent

    And the Bee, like SF, knocks another one out of the park.

    Experts agree that further comparisons to Biden could threaten to destroy Carter’s legacy of the “worst president ever” and make him be remembered instead as the “co-worst president ever.”

    • Tundra

      Don’t make me come over there and, and, and wrap this chain around your head, horse-faced pony boy! Flumberdriggit!”

      Biden is Foul Ole Ron.

      • MikeS

        Gabby Johnson.

      • Aloysious

        Flumberdriggit is genuine Joe Biden gibberish.

        And if it isn’t, it should be.

    • Nephilium

      So Biden will push deregulation of trucking, airlines, and legalize home distillation?

    • kinnath

      Biden has already left Carter in the dust. And this was accomplished in just 18 months.

    • Grosspatzer

      I used all the right words and strung them together in the right order! I’d like to see Biden do that!

      LOL. Don’t hold your breath, Jimmy.

  11. MikeS

    “Yes, Amber, you’re Hitler in this analogy, literally Hitler,” Kamala said.

    Haha! One of many quote-worthy lines.

    • Not Adahn

      Loved that one, even if it was a bit too eloquent for IRL Kamala.

      • MikeS

        Good point. Who’d have thought SF would make Kamala look better than real life?

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        “There was a big country and there was a slightly smaller country. A failed artist from the slightly smaller country became the leader of the big country. This failed artist did a lot of bad things like deadnaming queers and stealing fillings from Jews and having weird personal hygiene habits. That’s not okay.”

  12. Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

    AH was at one of the Iridium SpaceX launches. Damn, I wish I could have gone to that launch!

  13. Rebel Scum

    How deadly would a nuclear blast be in your city?

    This video talks about the effects of nuclear blasts in urban surroundings, like big cities. How would the blast wave, radiation, heat wave and the EMP behave in such environments? What are your chances of survival? And where to hide? This video tries to answer it all.

  14. Drake

    Just went out to get a haircut and drove past my usual gas station. The price of regular is up 40 cents a gallon from a week ago. This isn’t ever going to stop, is it?

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Well when you have too many people on the planet and you’ve past peak oil what do you expect? Don’t worry solar cells and wind power will save some of us.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        *passed peak oil

      • Bobarian LMD

        Soylent Green is delicious.

    • WTF

      Not until you give up your car and stop killing Gaia!

    • MikeS

      The fact that you ask that just means you’re part of the problem.

    • Nephilium

      You didn’t scoff from your palanquin carried by the finest orphans?

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      This isn’t ever going to stop, is it?

      No. Even if we get momentary relief, the left has made it their stated goal to transition us off of fossil fuels, and that includes gasoline. They know which levers to pull to make the prices go up, and they’ll pull those levers at their convenience.

      • Raven Nation

        Which I would have far less of a problem with if they were honest, instead of presenting “renewables” as the answer with no downside.

        “There are no solutions, only trade offs.”
        Tom Sowell

    • R.J.

      It will. But major business damage is done and it could be a while. One oil producer said basically there will never be another refinery built in the U.S. based on the political climate. That’s horrible. Short tern it looks like it’s time to get a motor scooter for short trips.

      • kinnath

        But then they win.

      • R.J.

        I wanted a new motor scooter, long prior to this BS. So they didn’t really change my goals. Sadly I have not lost much weight yet so I will still look like a performing circus bear on a tricycle.

      • R.J.

        Ha ha! Yes. I should glue a top hat to my helmet, wear a monocle and put a carpetbag on the luggage rack. Then I can ride by Trashy’s house and wave.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Be careful out there!

        *glares out at the neighbor’s cars parked on my curb and the lunatics from the apartment complex driving their junkyard finds with modded exhaust down the street like its a race course*

      • R.J.

        I figured you would just spray me with the garden hose at some point.

      • rhywun

        driving their junkyard finds with modded exhaust down the street like its a race course

        I’d like to know where these punks are getting the money for all that. They all look like shiftless slobs who couldn’t possibly hold down a job but apparently they can afford to drive up and down the street all day every day.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I figured you would just spray me with the garden hose at some point.

        That euphemism is kinda gross.

      • slumbrew

        I would have be disappointed by a link to any other picture. Good job.

      • R.J.

        I saved it for next time there is a Glibcar open post.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Yep. The regulatory environment is a nightmare and even if the GOP got control, the entirety of the federal administrative state wants to kill fossil fuels.

        At this point, we have to choose between completely dismantling the bureaucracy or starving.

        There’s not enough people on board with option 1, yet…

      • Tundra

        I don’t get the feeling people actually believe that we could go down the starvation path.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        People think electricity comes from an outlet, that farmers don’t need fuel to grow crops, or to get it into distribution.

        People are ignorant and arrogant.

  15. Aloysious

    I didn’t think those two could be made to look more unappealing than they already are.

    Then you found a picture with both of them in it, much to my horror.

    I should stop thinking.

    • Bobarian LMD

      “Found?”

      That was a screen capture from the surveillance camera.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      He has a bright future at a moving company.

    • The Other Kevin

      Oh shit now I have to come up with signs for my gym. Good thing I can draw.

      • kinnath

        Rule 1) Don’t make us make new rules.

      • R.J.

        I like it already

    • Timeloose

      It does pretty much look like a typical strong man competition events.

      Throw a keg
      toss a telephone pole
      Move this big rock from here to there
      pull this large object

    • Timeloose

      I love this video by one of my favorite newish punk bands.

      Alternative gym equipment workouts. I also like that they still make videos.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9i7aBnoaYPQ

      • Tundra

        Hah! That’s great!

        Thanks, Timeloose

  16. Sensei

    “A witness told police Isaac yelled, “You done shot the lady!” Then the witness heard the child scream: “You shouldn’t have messed with my momma!”

    Rodgers died in the shooting, which has left prosecutors grappling with how to proceed because of the suspect’s age.”

    No kidding…

    10-year-old in Fla. fatally shot woman arguing with her mom, police say
    https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2022/06/08/girl-child-shoots-kills-woman-orlando/

  17. juris imprudent

    Taibbi on Matt Walsh (& What is a Woman?):

    Years ago, when I first started publishing the eXile in Russia, almost every prank we tried worked, even the dumb ones, because officials in Soviet society had been raised in complete insulation from the practical joke and therefore bit on every hook. The specialists in Walsh’s film are the same types of targets. Most are used to having their bullshit rubber-stamped and don’t realize they’re playing themselves. Walsh is a ham and a satirist, a creature we never used to see on the political right decades ago. The verbose absurdity of modern leftist thought, coupled with the astonishing absence of a sense of humor in the landscape from whence the most extreme ideas come, has willed conservative comedy into being.

    • MikeS

      The Bee on Matt Walsh (& What is a Woman?):

      In a tragic case out of political news outlet and razor sales firm the Daily Wire this week, Matt Walsh released his documentary, What Is A Woman?, in which the podcast host and author went on a quest around the world asking what a woman is, but everyone thought he was just trolling them and no one would tell him.

    • juris imprudent

      Oh shit, have to share this bit too…

      The reaction to Walsh’s movie on the Twittersphere has been predictable, with lots of denunciations of the bearded filmmaker as a fascist bigot, but relatively few efforts to answer the film’s question (which, humorously, would end the entire controversy). My favorite response to date was an angry suggestion by blue-check Substacker Ben Dreyfuss: “Are you saying eunuchs shouldn’t be allowed to castrate themselves?”

      I mean, I guess they should be, but most eunuchs in history had someone do it for them, and those stories aren’t exactly happy ones, for anyone but certain very fanatic music lovers. But I digress.

      Very fanatic music lovers indeed!

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        “Are you saying eunuchs shouldn’t be allowed to castrate themselves?”

        Adult ones, sure. Whatever knocks your balls off.

        But I also think any doctor who participates in it has violated multiple ethical standards and that castrating children is evil.

      • R.J.

        If you identify as a woman and commit a crime that requires jail, shouldn’t you get your crank chopped off before you get imprisoned?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        At least before imprisonment in a women’s prison.

      • R.J.

        Yes. Applying the wisdom of Solomon there.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Split the baby balls.

      • The Other Kevin

        Move over Boy Bands, make room for Castrati Bands.

    • Kwihn T. Senshel

      satirist, a creature we never used to see on the political right decades ago

      Neither satirists nor humorless scolds are unique to right or left.

      “That’s not funny!” is a refrain from academics and church ladies everywhere.

      • Zwak, who counted all his blessings, and counted only one.

        The thing that gets missed in all of this, is that the cultural hegemon never punches up. They can’t, by definition. But, humor is punching up. So, whomever is down, and currently that is the political right, gets to be the funny team.

      • Kwihn T. Senshel

        Really good thought, Zwak, I’m going to noodle on that some more.

        Heh, although I’d argue that even if the left wasn’t in power, they still wouldn’t be able to meme…

  18. Rebel Scum

    ‘Member when sports shows were about sports?

    Yesterday @espn’s Sarah Spain said on air that Tampa Bay Rays players who don’t wear a pride flag are bigoted and using BS religion. Imagine turning on sports and getting this loony left wing insanity on your TV. Embarrassing.

    • juris imprudent

      Funny how those who are so religiously intolerant are so rabid in condemning non-conformists.

  19. Sensei

    WFH – as usual toughest on women.

    The work-from-home backlash grows
    https://www.poynter.org/reporting-editing/2022/the-work-from-home-backlash-grows/

    “Moreover, women were more negatively affected by WFH than men, but this gender difference was not due to the presence of children in the home. We conjecture that it might be due to other demands placed on women in the domestic setting while working from home.”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Ham sammiches don’t make themselves.

    • kinnath

      other demands placed on women in the domestic setting

      Wanna Fud?

    • Kwihn T. Senshel

      So is WFH good or bad?

      I just want to know what to think!

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Both

        “There are no solutions, only trade offs.”
        Tom Sowell

    • banginglc1

      My wife isn’t working right now. So she’s not getting her needed dose of gossip and chit chat. Now she keeps trying to get me to do more. Fuck . . . I don’t like people.

      For instance, tonight she wants to go to a drag show. That sound like hell to me.

      • Timeloose

        I’ve been there. Buy a mixed drink and hope they have typical gay bar drink potency. If there is no alcohol then I got nothing.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        To me too! Can we just stay home and watch The Birdcage?

      • The Last American Hero

        So? Have her dress up as a coworker, chat her up, and go fuck in the linen coat closet.

  20. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Bizspeak 101

    Dear Valued Business Partner,

    We continue to face additional macro and micro-economic headwinds which have increased our costs in all aspects of our business (material, freight, and labor).

    Shit got expensive, yo.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      This letter is to provide you with a 30-day notice of our intent to implement a strategic price change across targeted segments of our Paladin product portfolio. A subset of items in this portfolio will see varying increases depending on the degree of inflationary pressures. These actions will help us continue providing the same high-quality product you expect.

      Oh, just give me the new price list FFS. Everybody not living in a cave or named Joe Biden knows what’s going on.

      • UnCivilServant

        But you know there are people who will raise a fuss over this, regardless. Or try to agressively negotiate discounts, even if none are to be had.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Ha!

        In this environment, you feel lucky if you’re able to get your hands on anything, no matter the cost.

      • Tundra

        This.

        If I don’t buy, my vendor has others begging for materials.

        This is getting fucking old

      • Tres Cool

        “If your dont make your client happy, someone else will”.

        Works with hookers, too.

    • Sensei

      Look at least they gave you a kiss first!

  21. Kwihn T. Senshel

    Speaking of the “What is a Woman” film, has anyone here watched it? If so, thoughts?

    I have not yet, and am thinking it may not be a healthy thing for me to do, as I’ll likely spend too much time furiously confirming my biases.

    But, curious to know others’ thoughts. Forgive me if I missed an earlier discussion.

    • UnCivilServant

      I only heard of it today. So no opinion.

  22. kinnath

    Not a domestic terrorist

    A criminal complaint obtained by Fox News shows that Roske is being charged with attempting to murder a United States Supreme Court Justice. He is scheduled to have a first appearance in federal court in Maryland Wednesday afternoon.

    He told officers that he wanted “to give his life purpose” and purchased the gun and other items for the purpose of breaking into Kavanaugh’s home and killing the justice and then himself. Roske admitted in a second interview with the FBI of his intent to kill Kavanaugh and himself, according to the affidavit.

    Another mostly peaceful protester.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      It’s not like he criticized the intelligence of Sotomayor or anything serious like that.

    • rhywun

      Won’t somebody please think of the coathangers?!

  23. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Just bought 1,000 gallons of gas and 400 gallons of diesel.

    That hurt.

    • Kwihn T. Senshel

      Hoarder!

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        If only I could. We burn through it.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      At least you’ll be ready for our Mad Max future.

    • Zwak, who counted all his blessings, and counted only one.

      Don’t tell Lord Humongous.

    • MikeS

      Sounds like a fun weekend.

    • Animal

      Pre-written letters? They’ll be roundly ignored.

      • Tundra

        So will this gun control shit.

        Half the states are now permit-less. No reason to think they will knuckle under, regardless of the DC grandstanding.

      • Sean

        I’ve been told that staffers count the yeas and nays of correspondence.

  24. Scruffy Nerfherder

    JFC, from the NYT

    While those results seem encouraging on their face, many experts worry that the virus is evolving so fast that it is outpacing the ability to modify vaccines — at least as long as the nation relies on human clinical trials for results.

    • Sensei

      They want to turn it into an annual “flu shot”. The same way that each year’s flu vaccines aren’t clinically trialed.

    • juris imprudent
    • rhywun

      I thought we were already getting our test subjects from Monkey Island.

  25. Rebel Scum

    Seems counterproductive as a protest.

    CORRECTION: Pro-choice protesters briefly interrupted a WNBA game at the Barclays Center in New York City. We are deleting a previous tweet that incorrectly referred to the protesters as ‘pro-abortion’

    Tomayto, tomahto…

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      When was the last time a WNBA player got pregnant?

      • Zwak, who counted all his blessings, and counted only one.

        So, they all get tiny American flags then?

    • rhywun

      OFFS

  26. ron73440

    “Sometimes women are so oppressed being married to abusive men, shitting on furniture is the only avenue of protest left to them,” Seresto smugged.

    I didn’t know smug was a verb, but it is for these people.

    • Sensei

      It’s like Japanese. Just take the English word turn it into katakana and add “suru” or “to do”.

  27. Sensei

    Why Team Red is just as awful as Team Blue

    “Any person who is engaged in a business where electric vehicle charging stations are provided for use by the public at no charge shall ensure that each customer of the business, without regard to whether the customer uses the charging stations, is informed of, on the receipt for purchases, the percentage of the amount of the customer’s total purchase price that is a result of the business providing electric vehicle charging stations at no charge.”

    There is a link to the bill as well. I’m perfectly fine with stopping the subsidies to both private business and local governments.
    https://cleantechnica.com/2022/05/31/a-north-carolina-legislator-thinks-free-ev-charging-should-be-discouraged-banned/

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Just leave us alone motherfucker.

    • Nephilium

      Ohio has a bill at the legislative level to remove all include a bunch of new subsidies, including allowing the power companies to add a “rider” (aka surcharge) to all bills to be used to pay for the construction of new charging stations.

      • Sensei

        Depending on the state folks providing charging can’t charge per kWh because they become a “utility” so you have to pay for time instead.

        Since cars charge at different rates and chargers charge at different rates it’s ridiculous.

      • Nephilium

        I liked the lamentation that the recharge stations were focused more on concentrated areas. That’s kind of the nature of the beast. Do they really think there’s going to be a huge demand to sit at a charging station in the middle of rural Ohio?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        You mean that electric Wagoneer ad with the charging station in the middle of Bumfuck, Utah was just bullshit?

      • Sensei

        Chargers are a pain in urban areas too.

        They work well in suburban places for lower power chargers. For high power DC charging you wind up in strip malls and chain store parking lots.

        A restaurant offering free convivence charging is just trying to attract business. So if it was free I’d plug in, but if it was paid 9 out of 10 times I’m not going to bother. That’s what I do at home for the best cost.

        The non- EV crowd and most politicians don’t understand the difference between the two kinds of charging. DC fast charging is what you need when you go long distances. You plug in and go to whatever awful variation of a national change restaurant is available. You eat go to the bathroom and under an hour later are back on the road.

      • R.J.

        How very socialist of them.

    • rhywun

      I don’t care if businesses throw their money out the window at it.

      I just know I don’t want to pay for it myself. I was asking yesterday who pays for all that electricity; I’m still not clear. (Partly because nobody answered 🙂 )

      • Sensei

        Depends on the type, the business, and the service.

        On a big charger the subsidies are usually on construction not the electricity. However, the electricity is priced at industrial and/or wholesale rates.

        So to the degree that the state subsidizes or taxes wholesale rates will also be paid or subsidized by taxpayers.

      • rhywun

        BTW when I say “I don’t want to pay for it” I mean for other people. I’m not using them.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Classy

    • juris imprudent

      $100 says Liz doesn’t move back to WY after she loses the election.

      • slumbrew

        You’ll get no takers.

      • rhywun

        The commute to her new CNN or MSNBC desk would be a bitch.

    • Sean

      “West coast kids smell like the ocean and I like ice cream.”

    • Ownbestenemy

      The FAA is imposing a whole 5 days of of no maintenance while that twat is in town.

      • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

        They’re not leaving much of a gap in traffic for its arrival

      • slumbrew

        I’m surprised that United flight is allowed that close.

      • Tres Cool

        I’m admittedly ignorant- why? To intentionally keep aircraft grounded?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Security around Air Farce One

      • Ownbestenemy

        Typically they do around arrival and departure but have seen with this admin they will impose the moratorium around the whole trip.

        Bush was terrible, Obama was a train wreck, Trump was by far the least impact and Biden is back to Obama levels.

      • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

        There were a couple episodes of Airport: Miami with AF1 (Obama era)…whole thing seemed like a cluster

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Egos

        As much as people like to talk about Trump’s inflated ego, the egos of Obama, Biden, and particularly the administration stooges are far bigger.

      • Ownbestenemy

        It is….I take back Bush a bit…he utilized AF bases where he could.

        Obama administration would use the crash gates to get better access to LV Blvd rather than the main gate.

      • Ownbestenemy

        That isn’t the real AF1. 🙂

      • slumbrew

        Ah, I was wondering that – I assume they can change their transponder code at will.

      • Ownbestenemy

        It’s an AF1.5 and most like in trail or ahead is the one carrying the president.

        Here I’ll break a few rules

        https://ibb.co/ScBNpH3

        That was 5 minutes ago

      • slumbrew

        Grazie.

      • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

        It’s going to land at the exact same time, though, it looks like

      • Ownbestenemy

        Maybe they have since said f’it and no longer spoof it