Joemala: Episode 73

by | Jun 15, 2022 | Joemala | 126 comments

 

“I always wanted to be a wartime president,” Joe said, standing at the fake window in the tv studio Oval Office set, looking out wistfully.

He turned, a little shuffling circle and said, “Hello America. I’m your Joe Biden.”

“I know how concerned you are about Putin’s inflation and the Republican recession and the horrible price of gas. Gas. Gas. It’s a weird word when you think about it, isn’t it? Anyway, I just want you to know that my Administration had nothing to do with any of this. I got the jab, you should get the jab too.”

“Who are you talking to, Grandpa?” Finnegan asked as she walked onto the set.

“Can you hear the audience clapping?” Joe asked her. “They love you.”

“There is no audience, Grandpa.”

“They just love you. How many more years until you can run for President?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be President,” Finnegan said. She tore open a little white square and smoothed a fresh nicotine patch over Joe’s carotid artery.

“Did you just put a condom on my neck?” he asked.

“It’s to help you out, give you energy,” she said.

“You-you-you could be the first woman President,” Joe said.

“I’d hope there would be a woman President before then,” Finnegan said.

“First white woman President?” Joe asked, shuffling around to the window again.

“You have a spinal fluid replacement this afternoon and an axion bombardment in the morning,” Finnegan said.

“I don’t know why I bother,” Joe said, fingering the patch on his neck.

“It’s to keep you healthy,” Finnegan said. “Your country needs you.”

“Does it? I just get so angry sometimes. Putin! That damn Putin!”

“You need to calm down,” Finnegan said.

“I get blamed for everything!” Joe shouted.

Finnegan tried to peel off the nicotine patch but Joe pulled away.

“And-and-and the press! They’re just so mean to me!”

“Grandpa, just let me take the patch off,” Finnegan said.

“Get away from me!” Joe screamed.

Finnegan tapped her watch. “Grey Lady Down, Grey Lady Down.”

She danced away from Joe until she heard the medical team approach.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

126 Comments

  1. Ownbestenemy

    I know how concerned you are about Putin’s inflation and the Republican recession and the horrible price of gas. Gas. Gas. It’s a weird word when you think about it, isn’t it? Anyway, I just want you to know that my Administration had nothing to do with any of this. I got the jab, you should get the jab too.”

    I swear that is just a straight quote. A mild entry today but still quality. Thanks SF

    • Rebel Scum

      I just get so angry sometimes. Putin! That damn Putin!”

      Indeed. Slowmo Joe spends a lot of time yelling these days when giving addresses.

      • Sean

        He should send another couple billion $ to Ukraine. Maybe that would calm him down.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Won’t be long before we’re running out of french fries and burrito coverings.

  2. Swiss Servator

    “You have a spinal fluid replacement this afternoon and an axion bombardment in the morning”

    All too real.

  3. Gender Traitor

    “Grey Lady Down, Grey Lady Down.”

    What does the NYT have to do with anything?

    I don’t mean in the story – just in general.

    • Bobarian LMD

      His SS codename is cobra…

      Supposedly because of a penchant to reveal his member at inappropriate times.

      “Cobra is out!”

      • Lackadaisical

        ROFL

      • db

        Should have used “Asp.”

  4. Tundra

    Finnegan tapped her watch. “Grey Lady Down, Grey Lady Down.”

    That’s perfect!

  5. ron73440

    Joe said, standing at the fake window in the tv studio Oval Office set, looking out wistfully.

    Something about him doing that seems realistic and disturbing.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Joe said, standing at the fake window in the tv studio Oval Office set, looking out wistfully.

      “Helluva place for a urinal.”

    • db

      “Bread goes in, and toast comes out, but…where does the bread go?

    • Ownbestenemy

      That article needs to be posted on an erotica site.

      • Grumbletarian

        Or a psychiatric site.

      • Ownbestenemy

        crazies need to get off too

      • Zwak, who counted all his blessings, and counted only one.

        Twinkie Defence.

    • Rebel Scum

      The Joe Biden who ran in 2020 appeared wiser, sadder, somewhat deflated, and seemed to be taking on the presidency as a public service and a burden. Time and tragedy had tempered Biden, and I liked him even more than I did in his flashier, Jason Sudeikis–like youth. These days, I think he’s done a pretty good job, especially given the fact that he’s dealing with a pandemic, revelations about an attempted American coup d’état, and an economic slowdown over which he had no control.

      That’s some mighty fine, sanctimonious hackery there.

      • Gustave Lytton

        revelations about an attempted American coup d’état

        But enough about the Clinton campaign and four years of the deep state undermining the sitting president.

      • Lackadaisical

        No control over the recession that’s coming, despite constantly taking credit when things were still doing good.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Ah Tom Nichols, although he’s no Robert Reich or even Paul Krugman he never fails to be hacktastic.

      • Compelled Speechless

        You’re right about that. From what I hear, Nichols’s shaft work is pretty good, but his ball handling just isn’t there. Reich and Krugman really understand that you have to handle the total package to be the total package.

      • Festus

        That poor man needs a 40 gallon drum of Chap-Stick, stat!

    • The Other Kevin

      He says he’s not a partisan Democrat the proceeds to write the most partisan Democrat thing ever.

      • Ownbestenemy

        You can’t predicate an article that is stated to ‘examine’ when you have already concluded everyone is a poopy head towards your daddy.

    • Sensei

      Where have I read that?

  6. Urthona

    Testing

    • The Other Kevin

      123

      • Ownbestenemy

        I was expecting that one

      • Nephilium

        FOUR!!!!!

        Man… what a day for this site to be having issues. My work has broken my access to our ticketing system, I’ve had to fight to get access fixed to the client environment, and it looks like I’m going to be on the hook for day two of attempting after hours changes (since my access wasn’t working last night). After the last call I was on, there may be another day or two of after hours work added.

      • slumbrew

        Cool link, bro.

  7. CPRM

    Malarkey! Its…its…its the THING man!

    • Swiss Servator

      CPRM – The Eagle Flies to The Eyrie on July 2nd…approximately 11AM. Check your email…if any of the ones you have given us are real!

    • MikeS

      The Green Revolution strikes again!

      Question for anyone who knows; can modern diesels run without DEF? I don’t know how that system works. Can you just run with an empty DEF tank? If not, can you just “flip a switch” on the ECM to allow it?

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        The answer appears to be “yes, if you hack the system,” but then you would run afoul of various EPA regs, IIUC. Otherwise, your truck tops out at a maximum of 8km/h (5 mph), and you have to park it.

      • MikeS

        Yeah…I should have read the damn article. OK, so then my question is, can they run with out physically harming the engine if you override the “empty DEF tank” lock? If so, all the FEDGOV would have to do (if the DEF shortage actually happens) is temporarily waive the DEF requirement.

      • Nephilium

        Ha! Temporarily waive requirements?

        Why do you hate Gaia?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Yes

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        BTW, just returned from a two-week driving trip into the interior of B.C., and fuel prices everywhere were bonkers. However, I did see pallets of DEF being sold at most places we stopped for fuel.

      • MikeS

        Yeah, I live in farm country and have friends who farm and truck and this is the first I’ve heard of a possible DEF shortage. Urea being a key ingredient doesn’t bode well, that’s for sure.

      • kinnath

        Buy beer, piss in the DEF tank?

      • MikeS

        I see a good business opportunity…

      • Ted S.

        There was a DEF shortage in South Korea last autumn, with the blame put on a spat between Australia and Red China.

        Reading BEAM’s article, I see it goes into unhinged conspiracy theories about Vanguard and Black Rock. [rolls eyes]

      • Sean

        *peaks outside – looking for black helicopters*

      • Lackadaisical

        UP asked a lot of people to reduce shipments, 50% seems like a big drop. Cynically, less trucking means more rail.

      • Bobarian LMD

        DEF is injected into the exhaust stream where it acts as a catalyst to reduce NOx (ozone), which is a byproduct of lean burn conditions. It is totally unnecessary for the combustion process, and only affects the truck because of the software.

        DEF is 2/3rd water and 1/3 urea.

        I have no idea what replacing with distilled water would do to the computer settings.

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      It’s always hard to tell which factors are gonna balloon up and which factors are going to ease back down, but there are a lot of indicators that seem to point to this being significantly worse than a garden variety recession. I hope I’m wrong.

      • kinnath

        Another snipped line in the spider web. At some point, catastrophic failure occurs.

      • slumbrew

        Trshy, left you a forum message re: Eyepiece

      • slumbrew

        Bueno – updated.

        I think I have wifi on the flight so I may attempt a PR with a pre-check to the REST API to decide if there are new comments & use that as a guard function before the main fetch.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        If you figure it out, feel free to commit to the gitlab repo. I may not get to it until this weekend.

      • slumbrew

        Still at 45 seconds, btw – I think the timer on line 871 was missed.

      • slumbrew

        FWIW, you _are_ calling .load() 3 times – lines 789, 794 & 804.

        load() behavior changed at some point:

        Note: Prior to jQuery 3.0, the event handling suite also had a method named .load(). Older versions of jQuery determined which method to fire based on the set of arguments passed to it.

        https://api.jquery.com/load/

        But this is allegedly using jQuery 1.x, so I dunno.

        Either it’s always called it 3 times or it’s picking up the newer load() behavior (assuming you were using it as an event handler before?)

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Ah, I think I changed to 3 loads as a crutch to deal with some DOM parsing difficulties and didn’t merge it back into a single load once I resolved them.

        Probably explains some of the performance issues I’ve seen.

      • rhywun

        I don’t use the auto-refresh feature – is that what you’re talking about? I assume it’s disable when I turn that option off?

      • MikeS

        I usually have it on, but I turned it off for now. I felt like I must DO SOMETHING™ to help.

    • Aloysious

      I wonder if this falls under Joe Bidens definition of “…improving peoples lives.”?

      Let’s go, Brandon.

    • Don escaped Texas

      None of that makes any sense; I say that as a guy who worked on engines before and after SCR and who also worked for a major DEF supplier to Flying J, so I didn’t truly RTFA because why would I.

      First, I don’t know what the rail connection has to do with anything. DEF is super easy to make; urea is easy to make: the primary method (from NG which is pretty much the answer for all HC synthesis) is not difficult, rare, tricky, or expensive….any fucking clown can do it. So I’m unaware of any way to landlock the market.

      This stuff is regional in any regard. DEF, like your soda, water, twinkies, whathaveyou, is made regionally. There are very few products that are so special and exclusive that one plant in Hershey, PA makes it all and trucks it all; even precious Coors has been brewed locally without their holy fucking mountain spring water. DEF is sold in 5 gallon jugs at truck stops who get it by the pallet….by truck! Urea is sold by the rail car, but you could get it by the tank wagon for a few cents more per gallon (this applies pretty much to all liquids from acetone to milk to xylene).

      DEF is easy to fill: it’s water soluable, and it would require hardly any water or air permits to start up. I know at least three environmental firms who could get me temporary permits immediately in MS or AR or some other giveashit state that just wants the taxes and we could be running in a few weeks.

      Maybe I’ll RTFA later, but I just don’t believe that the perfect storm exists to much more than partly and temporarily dent the DEF supply market.

  8. pistoffnick

    Meanwhile in a New Zealand atoll…

    https://www.lifesitenews.com/blogs/new-zealand-indigenous-family-under-house-arrest-for-11-months-for-not-taking-covid-jab/

    A letter late last year from the Office of Council of Nukunonu to the unvaccinated family revealed that extreme pressure was put on them to comply. It set deadlines and saying they are “sad” the family has not complied. It said: “You will remain on house arrest with your wife … and your son … for a further six months until you reconsider your decision. Your daughter … will also be on house arrest starting tonight at 10 pm.”

    The family has now been under house arrest for 11 months. Non-complying residents on another atoll, Atafu, were allowed out several weeks ago, but they are not permitted to attend gatherings or meetings. There are no instances of Covid-19 on either atoll.

    • Sean

      That’s effed up.

    • Lackadaisical

      It wasn’t that long ago that new Zealand was at the top of a lot of libertarian’s freedom lists.

      What happened? Did people just under estimate the potential for medical tyranny, new laws? Or just ignorance?

      • kbolino

        Any part of the world strongly connected to the US economically and culturally, especially but not exclusively the Anglosphere, seems to have experienced a rapid progressive transformation and homogenization from the 1990s to the 2010s. The key aspects seem to be:

        – Do what American leftists want before they’re able to do it here (e.g.: gun control)
        – Redefine patriotism around those leftist things your country “accomplished” but American leftists still whine about (e.g.: NHS)
        – Elevate the Civil Rights movement and its tenets above local history and ideas, working a twisted version of the latter in only as local flavor after the fact (e.g.: Maori = black)
        – Consume American media, buy its favored brands over local ones, and import the same things it imports (many examples)
        – Outsource competence to “international” and “multilateral” organizations all run by American-educated leftists (e.g.: WHO)

        Calling this all “American” is actually a bit of a misnomer, but it mostly works as it relates to other countries. A similar effect occurred in many U.S. states, whereby e.g. Washington with its once very permissive gun laws suddenly enacted one of the more stringent gun control regimes.

        Basically, foreign countries that fall under America’s spell are not really sovereign anymore, they’re just colonies/provinces with more pretense, and like many immigrants living here, they rush to adopt what America’s elites consider to be the most prestigious policies and cultural positions. In denial of this utter colonization, they consider themselves doing what the American Academy tells them to, but which it can’t fully convince the American population of, to be a sign of independence and unique local identity, even as they all rush to imitate one another.

      • kbolino

        Of course, the above is a gross overgeneralization in many ways, as there are in these foreign places many people who, like the Americans who impede “progress” here, don’t like what’s happening. However, for various reasons, they get trampled more easily than the knuckle-draggers back here in the core province (i.e., the 50 states we normally think of as the U.S.).

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      they are “sad” the family has not complied

      STOP MAKING ME BEAT YOU

  9. DEG

    Finnegan tried to peel off the nicotine patch but Joe pulled away.

    “And-and-and the press! They’re just so mean to me!”

    “Grandpa, just let me take the patch off,” Finnegan said.

    “Get away from me!” Joe screamed.

    So, is it really a nicotine patch?

    • R.J.

      The patch over his sex change operation. Hence “grey lady.”

      • R.J.

        Whoa… the avatars…

  10. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Once upon a time I had a coworker that was trying to quit who applied three nicotine patches simultaneously to curb the cravings.

    It was like trying to work with a meth tweaker.

  11. Sensei

    It’s official 75 bps!

  12. Rebel Scum

    We all know why the Dems genius policies are not going well with the voters.

    Fox Confirms 3 WH officials will be heading to the hill on Thursday to discuss “messaging on the economy” with the full House Dem Caucus. The meeting is focused on “message strategy on the economy, fighting inflation and reducing costs for the American people”, per
    @kellyfphares

    Those dang Rethuglicans and their total lock on media disinformation against Biden and co.

    • Drake

      I think reality is going to outrun any messaging.

    • ron73440

      Depending on who the judge is, that could be a winning strategy.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Apparently the judge said “yeah… No” and that by putting it in the affidavit, they opened themselves to discovery along that line of inquiry.

      • ron73440

        Good, I doubt much will come of it, too many important people involved, but a little sunshine would be nice.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Damn. She’s so fast that it looks like the video is being fast forwarded.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Pfffttttt… I can beat that.

      • slumbrew

        Going the other direction.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They invented reverse playback for a reason.

      • Swiss Servator

        Guys jumping backward up walls on Samurai Sunday Cinema?

    • Tundra

      Holy shit!

    • Timeloose

      I’d like to make some snarky Polak joke, but that’s impressive.

    • The Other Kevin

      Is that real? Looks like they’re pulling her up and she’s just touching rocks on the way.

      • Lackadaisical

        Right? But there is clearly some slack on the rope.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Thanks for the link to the Apollo transponder videos. I tortured my family with them last night while I oohed and aahed and paused while explaining how frequency mixing works.

      • Sensei

        Glad you enjoyed them!

        Marc does some amazing reverse engineering.

    • The Other Kevin

      He’s been lying like that his entire career and all the press ever does is say “Aw shucks it’s just good ol’ Joe bein’ Joe!”

      • Sensei

        Do you mean Biden or Neil Kinnock?

  13. Timeloose

    Poor Finnegan, she just wants to help her pop-pop. The only one who seems to have some sort of good intentions, aside from her re-animating a walking corpse.

    • Timeloose

      Wow looks like some of the avatar greatest hits are back.

    • ron73440

      I figure Dr. Jill forced her to.

      • Timeloose

        You can’t question her she’s a doctor.

  14. Mojeaux

    So I spent a whole lot of money on makeup to look nice for my zoom meeting and nobody had their cameras on. I coulda been a full schlub instead of a schlub from the chest down.

    But the interview went well. They seemed to like what I had to say. I wish I could be that confident when shilling my books.

    • Gender Traitor

      I’ll wear makeup on 7/30 if you will, too.

      But probably not foundation. Much too likely to be gawdawfully hot! ?

      • Mojeaux

        I may not be there. Depends on finances, since I’m taking an unexpected trip to South Dakota in 2 weeks.

      • Gender Traitor

        Oh, I do hope you can make it! I so wanna meet you IRL! ?

      • Mojeaux

        I’ll try!

      • Gender Traitor

        ??

  15. Sensei

    Karma!

    Dr. Anthony Fauci tests positive for Covid, is having mild symptoms

    • kinnath

      Yes! Double-masking, dumb fuck still gets the bug.

      • Tres Cool

        Im surprised they let the fact he caught it leak out.
        Unless its to say “see? He’s barely sick due to the effectiveness of the vax!”

    • Lackadaisical

      Mild symptoms proves that karma isn’t real.

      • MikeS

        My thoughts as well.

      • kinnath

        Doesn’t mean we can’t stick him on a ventilator anyway.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Remdesivir and a ventilator stat!

    • rhywun

      I-am-thankful-for-the-Jab-and-the-Booster-amen

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      I wish him well. Here’s hoping he has mild symptoms and then retires.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      If true, they are some seriously dumb motherfuckers. Anybody with two brain cells to rub together could have seen this coming.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        No shit

    • Fatty Bolger

      Oh, no, sanctions don’t work? WHEN DID THAT START HAPPENING??!!!!

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Sanctions hurt the little guys? Who ever heard of such a thing?