Joemala: Episode 81

by | Aug 24, 2022 | Joemala | 223 comments

 

Joe roared, grabbed a ficus, and began to hump it vigorously, laughing and crying by turns as the helicopter landed on the lawn outside.

“Thank fucking Christ,” Finnegan sighed as she saw the blades winding down. She was using a small broom to hit Joe on the back. “Leave the houseplant alone, Grandpa!”

“It’s vegetal aroma has seized my sex parts!” Joe said.

“What does that even mean?” Finnegan asked.

“This plant is a Russian asset!” he screamed. “Microphones everywhere!”

Dr. Jill rushed into the day room with Tony’s isolation palanquin put-put-puttering in behind her, his wizened face behind the fogged viewport showing concern.

“You have to help him, Doctor!” Finnegan cried. “He’s had an erection since midnight!”

“How many vaccinations has he had today?”

“Three since dawn,” Finnegan said. Joe dropped the abused ficus and began to frottage the edge of the couch.

“He hasn’t been this horny since Columbine,” Dr. Jill fretted.

“Forgive all student debt!” Joe cried as he ejaculated in his pants from the erotic friction of the couch arm. “Corduroy! Bring me corduroy!”

“We have the student debt relief announcement today,” Finnegan said. “We can’t have him like this.”

“I will see what I can do,” Tony said, his manipulatory arms unfolding from his isolation pod like a black chrome butterfly shitting itself from a pupa.

“Joe!” Tony’s voice boomed from the speaker on the pod. “Can you tell me what happened last night, Joe?”

“If we forgive their debt they will vote for us,” Joe said hoarsely. “They will love me and I will get to smell them. I will smell them all!”

“Joe, you must look at me,” Tony said.

“What do you smell like?” Joe asked, before lumbering over to the pod and lunging at it.

“Joe, please get off the pod!” Tony said as the President began to inhale deeply. Tony’s face was lit with deep reds and blues as status lights blinked helplessly.

“You smell like pumpkins,” Joe growled.

An audio alarm began to cycle. FOREIGN INSERTION DETECTED the suit said crisply.

“Joe, you are blocking the exhaust port!” Tony said. “Gott im Himmel!”

“YOO-HOO!” Hunter called, stepping into the room from the patio.

“Oh, God,” Finnegan said.

“Mama Jill!” Hunter said and hugged her before she could back away. He lingered, his hands slithering down to cup her buttocks until she could finally push him away.

“What did you do?” Finnegan demanded.

“Whatever do you mean, dear daughter?” Hunter asked innocently.

“Grandpa! What did you give him?” Finnegan asked. “He’s trying to fuck Tony’s isolation pod!”

“Oh, just a little coke,” Hunter said lightly.

“You gave him cocaine?!?” Dr. Jill screeched.

“And a little molly,” Hunter said with a crooked smile.

“MDMA?” Tony’s speaker boomed.

“Just a little bit!” Hunter said as Joe and Tony toppled to the floor.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

223 Comments

  1. ron73440

    frottage

    Word of the day.

    Funny as hell and disturbing, just how I like it.

    • Drake

      Definition of frottage
      1: the technique of creating a design by rubbing (as with a pencil) over an object placed underneath the paper
      also : a composition so made
      2: the act of obtaining sexual stimulation by rubbing against a person or object

    • EvilSheldon

      I had always thought that the verb form of ‘frottage’ was ‘to frot.’ Now I know better.

  2. Swiss Servator

    I…uh, got nothing.

    *slumps down in chair*

    • ron73440

      A little coke and molly will liven you up!

      • Swiss Servator

        Disco biscuits for everyone!

  3. DEG

    “Mama Jill!” Hunter said and hugged her before she could back away. He lingered, his hands slithering down to cup her buttocks until she could finally push him away.

    I can see him wanting to fuck his stepmother.

    This is a good story to read before I head into the office.

    • ron73440

      An audio alarm began to cycle. FOREIGN INSERTION DETECTED the suit said crisply.

      “Joe, you are blocking the exhaust port!” Tony said. “Gott im Himmel!”

      That’s the one that got me.

    • Seguin

      I can see him wanting to fuck his stepmother anything.

      How much you wanna bet he eiffels the pod with Dad?

      • Seguin

        Eh, meant for a strikethough on stepmother.

        *EDIT FAIRY BLESSES YOU*

      • Seguin

        That’s a good ‘un, thanks!

  4. The Late P Brooks

    Better governance through chemistry.

  5. Tundra

    I’m not worthy.

    That was amazing. Especially:

    “He hasn’t been this horny since Columbine,” Dr. Jill fretted.

      • Gender Traitor

        Not “Mamma Mia”? 😕

      • Fourscore

        Tony is more than bi-lingual, in fact

      • MikeS

        Ja!

    • Old Man With Candy

      “He hasn’t been this horny since Columbine,” Dr. Jill frotted.

      Fixed it.

      • Tundra

        Nice.

      • Tonio

        Aye, there’s the rub.

  6. Old Man With Candy

    It was a sobering moment when I realized it had been nearly twenty years since last I did coke. Nowadays, it would likely kill me.

    • CPRM

      Hell, the amount of caffeine in Excedrin makes me feel like I’m having a heart attack.

    • Fatty Bolger

      It’s a young man’s drug.

      • Tundra

        “Wrong!”

        /Keith Richards

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        A young neighbor of mine died of it. (Whether in addition to anything else, I don’t know.) Felt bad for his roommate.

    • rhywun

      I worked myself up to enough to kill a horse until I dopped it six or seven years ago. *shudder*

    • Sean

      Nowadays, it would likely kill me.

      Balderdash. A hot piece of man meat like you?

      Snort away!

  7. Sean

    Uhm…I…uh…

    *shakes head*

  8. CPRM

    I imagine it ending on a freeze frame with a laugh track.

  9. ron73440

    I think SF has broken my brain.

    Unless it is explicitly stated what Hunter is wearing, I always see him in the jock strap with the red scarf and sunglasses.

    • Tundra

      Don’t forget the running shoes.

      • ron73440

        That’s what completes the ensemble.

      • Fatty Bolger

        untz untz untz

    • SugarFree

      Canonically, that is what he is always wearing.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      I was going to make the same comment. We’ve been conditioned like Pavlov’s dogs.

  10. The Other Kevin

    We’ve gone from “this is oddly tame” back to horrifying. Well done.

    • ron73440

      back to horrifying

      Yet still plausible.

    • Tonio

      He just lulls us into a false sense of security, then, “pow,” right in the nuts (or ovaries, as the case may be).

      • The Other Kevin

        He is an artist in that regard. Much like Alfred Hitchcock.

      • MikeS

        Sugcock

      • Seguin

        That sounds like a male escort.

  11. The Late P Brooks

    Word of the day.

    So much classier than “dry humping”.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Especially if you say it with a French accent. It sounds like cheese.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Bane of female Metro commuters around the world.

  12. kinnath

    Daily Quordle 212
    4️⃣5️⃣
    6️⃣7️⃣

    Late to the game as usual

    • Lackadaisical

      Makes sense, increase blood flow to your organs.

  13. WTF

    Perfect, just….perfect!

  14. Not Adahn

    Not only is Fauci incompetent, he can’t even hire competent isolation palanquin designers.

    Do you think FJB could disable this with his shrivelled bits? Any idiot engineer knows you incorporate a grinder pump into your exhaust system.

    • Fourscore

      Biden may have saved me so money. Grand daughters love paying with someone else’s money. Have to wait and see.

      • LCDR_Fish

        So…..why are folks who got Pell Grants getting [more] money back? Those were grants, not loans….

      • Ownbestenemy

        Cause why not! The only logical answer is it is an open handed bribe.

    • CPRM

      Borrowers who earn less than $125,000 a year, or families earning less than $250,000, would be eligible for the $10,000 loan forgiveness, Biden announced in a tweet. For recipients of Pell Grants, which are reserved for undergraduates with the most significant financial need, the federal government would cancel up to an additional $10,000 in federal loan debt.

      Idiots don’t let me down. The one stupid thing they could do that could actually be to my advantage. Just look at it this way, all of the US taxpayers will be subsidizing The Hat and The Hair Super Funtime Cartoon Show.

      • LCDR_Fish

        Charlie Cooke’s been on the rampage for the last few days. Great pieces (also his Editors podcast last night):

        https://www.nationalreview.com/2022/08/bidens-student-debt-bonfire-is-a-classist-message-to-the-uncredentialed-screw-em/

        A few moments before I sat down to write this piece, I opened the door to six guys in blue shirts who had come to my house to replace our air-conditioning units. The Florida weather being what it is, I’ve seen some of these guys work on our air conditioners before, and they’re as skilled and knowledgeable and conscientious and hard-working as you might expect. The company they work for, which is local to North Florida, was started by a guy who chose to forego college in favor of taking out a small-business loan to strike out on his own. Most of the technicians who work for him didn’t go to college, either. They took a different path. And, well . . . what absolute chumps the president has just made of them for that!

        Squirm if you like, but that’s the truth of the matter: As of today, the six air-conditioning technicians in my house are on the hook for college loans that were signed for, spent, and enjoyed by other people. Confirming the measure today, President Biden announced that any American who has both college debt they vowed to repay and an individual yearly income under $125,000 (or a family yearly income under $250,000) will be given up to $20,000 by the Treasury — which means by you, and by me, and by everyone else who pays taxes in America.

        Why? Well, that’s the question.

        The answer can’t be, “because that’s what the relevant law anticipates or requires.” As of yet, Congress has provided no authorization for the executive branch to arbitrarily write off some of the money that borrowers owe to taxpayers. As of yet, Congress has passed no rules that allow down-on-their-luck presidents to throw money at people for political gain. As of yet, Congress has given no instruction that if the president’s friends might like a little more cash, he can raid the Treasury to give it to them. Certainly, Congress has set up a loan program. But the deal there is rather simple, all told: First you borrow, and then you pay back what you borrowed. There is no mention of “forgiveness” days or of “help” or of rolling Chekhovian jubilees, and by pretending otherwise, President Biden is making a mockery of his oath to uphold the Constitution.

        Another answer that won’t fly is, “To lower the cost of education.” As President Biden made clear today, this is a one-time deal, a lottery, a lightning strike. People who paid off their loans last week aren’t covered. People who will take out new loans after the policy has run its course aren’t covered. The problems in the system aren’t addressed. The colleges, and their endowments, are left unmolested. American culture’s increasingly credentialist presumptions aren’t altered. Within four years, overall debt will return to its present level. With the stroke of a pen, the already-fake deficit savings within the Inflation Reduction Act will be wiped out. This isn’t a reform. It’s not even pretending to be reform. It’s a contemptuous, abusive, unbelievably expensive shot in the dark — the net effect of which will be that fewer people correctly calibrate whether college is worth it, fewer colleges change their offerings to meet market demand, and, because this sort of executive giveaway will now loom large as a possibility, fewer people feel the need to save for college.

        It seems so arbitrary. Why does Biden not want to do the same thing for loans on trucks owned by plumbers? Why not for mortgages — which, given how heavily it subsidizes them, the federal government clearly thinks are worthwhile? Why not for credit cards or auto payments or mom-and-pop credit lines? The answer, I’m afraid to say, is disgustingly classist: Because Joe Biden and his party believe that college students are better than everyone else. Because Joe Biden and his party believe that college students are of a finer cut. Because Joe Biden and his party prefer college students to you, and they think that those students ought to be rewarded for that by being handed enormous gobs of your money.

        Electricians, store managers, deli workers, landscapers, waitresses, mechanics, entrepreneurs? Screw ’em. Sure, college graduates make more money than non-graduates, and their unemployment rate is lower, too. But non-graduates don’t have access to the president, so they don’t matter. They’re tradesmen, the riff-raff, the great unwashed. They’re background noise, dirty-handed types, second-classers. They don’t deserve $10,000 in debt reduction. What would they even do with it? Go hunting? Give it to their church? Their role is to subsidize the superior people, and the superior people go to college.

        Why did Joe Biden do all this? That’s why. Why was this what Joe Biden chose to break his oath to achieve? That’s why. When it came down to it, good ol’ Scranton Joe sent cash from the sort of people he cynically pretends to care about to the sort of people he actually cares about: the privileged, accredited, self-dealing clerisy that his ever-dwindling political party now calls its base.

        See also: https://www.nationalreview.com/corner/joe-biden-illegally-canceling-student-loans-would-be-a-middle-finger-to-america/

      • Lackadaisical

        That was a serious question I had… What is the legal authority of this’forgiveness’?

      • Fatty Bolger

        Yeah, I just don’t see how it’s legal. Any chance the courts will squash it?

      • LCDR_Fish

        Still don’t think it’s gonna help that much when it comes to actual elections. Buying the votes that were already guaranteed (college educated white women) isn’t going to gain you – and it’ll hurt that much more in nearly every demographic.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        The economy is doing great, but also we’re in an economic emergency.

      • LCDR_Fish

        BTW…this loan forgiveness is also not taxable….because of course.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Yeah it appears I do not read very well. I see now where the American Rescue Plan set this forgiveness up to be tax free.

      • rhywun

        JFC. It is going to be CoViD eMeRgEnCy until the end of time, then. Printers go brrrr

      • Lackadaisical

        Jesus.

        The president has too much power if he can unilaterally spend a trillion dollars in a single day.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        There was no legal authority for DACA either, but by the time the courts take a case, the horse is out of the barn. That’s what “Our Democracy” looks like.

      • Rat on a train

        Don’t forget to use proper procedures when cancelling an illegal program.

      • MikeS

        According to this WSJ article, they have a couple ways they think they can do it

        The administration is basing its legal authority for cancellation in part on the Covid-19 national emergency, citing financial harms suffered by borrowers. It also rescinded a Trump administration memo that concluded that legal authority doesn’t exist for mass cancellation.

        Mr. Biden’s plan will test the legal limits of the federal government’s authority to cancel student debt. Its success could depend on how courts would interpret the Education secretary’s powers under the 1965 Higher Education Act, which allows the secretary to “consent to modification” of loans, and “compromise, waive, or release” unspecified amounts of student debt.

        Advocates for broad cancellation say the lack of explicit constraints in the law is deliberate, giving the executive branch flexibility with its “compromise authority” to manage its relationship with borrowers. They note that presidents of both parties have used the law to forgive debt on a more-limited scale.

        Somewhat buried by the “forgiveness” news is the fact that he also extended the suspension of loan payments through he end of the year.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        CWCC the Oxonian? Just kidding, I like him. In fact, too many Editors, not enough Charlie.

        The AC guys are probably more contented than the Biden mendicants.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        *er, CCWC

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      As predicted, I got fucked by this one by doing the right thing and paying off my loans aggressively. I’m tempted to sign up for a class at community college today, take out $10k in loans, drop the class and make a profit. I doubt they’ll engineer the rules well enough to prevent that.

      • EvilSheldon

        That is an excellent idea. I have been thinking about going back to school lately…

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Apparently it does say loans must have originated before July 1, 2022.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        I wonder if my old loan account is still active at all…

        There has to be a way to qualify.

      • R.J.

        You make too much money. This is a freebie for the underwater basket weaving crowd. Anyone half-way competent who is making money will not qualify.

      • CPRM

        That’s why my strategy has been to be 49% competent and not make money until this very day.

      • Lackadaisical

        Shit, I guess I suck at life, we don’t make a quarter mil a year.

      • R.J.

        That is not all his deal. Anyone making money will end up disqualified, not just richey riches. Wait for more catches soon.

      • Lackadaisical

        I already have no student loans, so it’s kind of moot. I just took some umbrage to being somewhat dismissed for not earning what is a fairly substantial sum…

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Long term, probably true. Short term, I’m sure there’s an angle. Until the details are published, I won’t know exactly what the angle is.

      • MikeS

        The income limit is $125k and $250k for a married couple. That’s a pretty sizeable share of the population.

      • Ownbestenemy

        That won’t stick and the horse is outta the gate. There will be rounds of these from now til the end of the country.

      • Rat on a train

        This can become a regular thing every four years.

  15. Animal

    I’m speechless.

    • Sean

      #metoo

  16. Sean

    PSA: The PA elk cam is up again.

    https://hdontap.com/index.php/video/stream/pa-game-commission-elk-cam

    What’s the best time to view elk?
    Elk are crepuscular, moving more during dawn and dusk. So whether you’re trying to view or hunt elk, you’ll have more success early in the morning or late afternoon/evening. The most popular time of year to observe elk is during the rut because they are very active.

  17. Tundra
    • ron73440

      That woman is a goblin.

      *Change my mind*

    • Fatty Bolger

      Another study revealed how mean IQ scores of young children born during the pandemic have tumbled by as much as 22 points while verbal, motor and cognitive performance have all suffered as a result of lockdown.

      Whoa. That’s incredible, if true. And hopefully reversible.

      • Tundra

        It’s my understanding that there are certain developmental milestones that are a one-off. This is pretty goaddamn sick, regardless.

    • MikeS

      Two stunning quotes from this monster:

      “With this new, indefinite time frame, the benefit-risk calculus of mitigation measures shifted dramatically. I was willing to limit my children’s activities for a year or two but not for their entire childhood,” she continues.

      Oh, you were willing to do far more than that. You were willing to force others to do the same to their children.

      “Masking has harmed our son’s language development, and limiting both kids’ extracurriculars and social interactions would negatively affect their childhood and hinder my and my husband’s ability to work.”

      There it is. Not having that government provided daycare is the big thing she regrets.

      CWAC

      • rhywun

        I can’t get past “The science has changed.”

        Go fuck yourself, you lying liar.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        But he’s poetry in motion.

      • rhywun

        She blinded me with stupidity.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Too bad nobody saw that coming.

      • grrizzly

        Masking has harmed our son’s language development

        They are both evil and stupid. Also, did she, her husband and their son wear masks at home at all times? Or did the son spend the last 2 years in daycare muzzled?

      • R C Dean

        The latter, I would bet. Although I’m not sure why she is whining about the impact on her and her husband’s work. It does seem like it would be one or the other.

    • Sean

      How reliable/useful are IQ tests for children under 3?

      • EvilSheldon

        About as useful and reliable as they are for everybody else.

      • Lackadaisical

        Anecdotally, they’re accurate. How predictive and stable are they? Well, say least half your IQ is inherited. The rest is changeable, so I doubt 100% of the effect will be present in the future, but I also doubt there will be no effect. 22 points is an astronomical amount, you’re talking going from average to borderline retardation.

      • Tundra

        Bullshit (respectfully). There were plenty of real, no-shit experts who recognized this as an aerosolized virus by April 2020. The fuckhead slavers even started out by saying masks were useless.

        Nope. People like Wen need to pay. Being wrong is normal. Admitting mistakes is noble.

        Ending and wrecking lives is a crime against humanity.

      • Sensei

        That’s why I’m torn on this.

      • Lackadaisical

        As someone affected by her fuckery the only person (okay, not the only) I want to see torn is her, preferably apart.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The fuckhead slavers even started out by saying masks were useless.

        Only when there was a shortage of masks. Since 2007, the CDC recommended use of masks and the FDA had actually approved N95 masks for such a pandemic. All swept under the rug.

      • R C Dean

        There is a huge tell in the article:

        She didn’t change her mind based on data, studies, reports from the field or anything else. She changed her mind based solely on “me, me, me” – the impact on her kids and her work life.

        That’s a clue as to what she based her support for masking and lockdowns on – it wasn’t data, studies, etc.

        And that’s why I have zero sympathy for her. She was never engaged in rational analysis of facts, alternatives, risk/benefit, etc. It was always about her – promoting herself as a spokesman for the fashionable thing, rather than setting policy based on her professional judgment of the available data.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        👆👆👆

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        But women are intuitive!!

        I am intuitive in the inductive reasoning sense. “Uh oh, familiar pattern, act quickly!”, not rationalizing my neuroses or preferences, or consulting the crystals, or whatever my flaky sisters get up to.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Doesn’t even need to be a pattern. Cat not eating? Vet NOW.

      • Sensei

        Excellent observation.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        ISWYDT?

        About the only bit in Four Weddings I found funny was the girl new to sign language telling her deaf crush “I’m probably making tols of nistakes.”

  18. Fatty Bolger

    Dr. Jill rushed into the day room with Tony’s isolation palanquin put-put-puttering in behind her, his wizened face behind the fogged viewport showing concern.

    Very Dune-esque.

    • Seguin

      Fauci, a Guild Navigator. Only instead of swimming in melange, it’s a potent mix of mRNA and Paxlovid. Pfizerspice, they call it – with it, he can successfully navigate extremely deferential settings with ease.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Pfizerspice

        Nice.

    • Not Adahn

      *ahem*

  19. Rat on a train

    Black Alerts

    Following a spike in hate crimes and other incidents targeting minorities and their places of worship, a new alert system led by civil rights leaders in Maryland has gone live.

    These alerts, similar to the Amber Alert system, will focus on hate crimes.

    “Every member of the Maryland Legislative Black Caucus… will be advised whenever there’s a hate crime anywhere in the state of Maryland,” Snowden said.

    “We’re just beginning. We’re going to see how the system works,” Snowden said. “I suspect what you’ll find is this is going to be replicated nationally very, very quickly.

    I think they should send out an alert every time a black is shot in the state.

    • ron73440

      Remember, black men are the most common victims of gun violence.

    • Seguin

      “Shit, an Asian got shot again, start the aler….wait, nevermind.”

    • R.J.

      Stunning. will the asian/elder crimes be reported as black alerts? Those do seem to be the majority of hate crimes.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Grifters Assemble!!!!

    • CPRM

      They send Amber alerts to my phone, usually making it sound off while I’m passed out sleeping. Are they going to do that every time someone smears a poop swastika?

      • Rat on a train

        For now, it’s invite-only, but Snowden said he expects the system will be expanded in the future.

        I believe it is a private email/message list. It better stay that way.

      • Lackadaisical

        I think you can shut that of somewhere buried in your settings.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Re-enabled on my phone after an OS update. 🙄

      • Lackadaisical

        Thanks for reminding me *declines update*

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Amber was found safe and healthy anyway (not joking).

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        er: “and healthy, anyway”.

        Where IS Grandma? I’m hungry. 😉

      • R.J.

        Ooo! I hope so! With pictures!

    • rhywun

      OFFS. 🙄

      Virtue-signal level: Through the roof

      • Lackadaisical

        Don’t worry, they’ll have rainbow alerts too.

    • R C Dean

      “Every member of the Maryland Legislative Black Caucus… will be advised whenever there’s a hate crime anywhere in the state of Maryland,”

      Why only them?

      Do we really expect them to do anything about synagogues being vandalized or Asians being punched out on the street?

      • SugarFree

        They can rush Ben Crump to the scene.

  20. Rebel Scum

    Hawt.

  21. Grosspatzer

    Simultaneously hysterically funny and nauseating. A tour de farce, this was. Not quite as stunning, however, as my just-completed corporate meeting, in which someone suggested during the Q&A that we have an internal drag show because diversity or something.

    • Tundra

      “You’re fired.”

      • Grosspatzer

        Hey! You’re not my supervisor!

      • Tundra

        Lol!

        Are you sure about that?

        *dramatic music*

    • SugarFree

      Do you sell pancake makeup, false eyelashes or giant shoes? If not, then why?

      Oh, yeah, to stick it to Libs of TikTok.

    • Sean

      They gave her the Pax, of course she was gonna get it again.

      • Drake

        That shit doesn’t seem to work at all. A really expensive ineffective alternative to the horse medicine.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        It pisses me off that Paxlovid seems to be A-OK even though it’s being used off-label. Now I don’t mind medicines being used off-label, but somehow that was a big no-no for HCQ and Ivermectin, and you were an idiot for even considering them. I don’t know if HCQ or Ivermectin do any good for Covid, but it was worth a serious look instead of dismissiveness, and the reaction had everything to do with Pfizer marketing, not science.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They can’t absolve the sin of ivermectin and HCQ now. That would be an admission of fault.

        Also, they’re skirting around the edges of the EUA for the vaccines. I’ll let somebody opine on how they can prescribe a therapeutic like Paxlovid and maintain the EUA for Pfizer et al.

      • SugarFree

        __ even though it’s being used off-label__

        Can’t object to that; all use of hormones by the trans community is off label.

      • Drake

        I don’t know if HCQ or Ivermectin do any good for Covid

        I know. My wife and I had covid (she had it in Dec. I got it in May). We both did the telemed that was prescribing that stuff – and both were getting better within a day. We both were recovered in a week with no recurrence.

      • MikeS

        Politicians use the same justification to declare that the vaccines work.

  22. CPRM

    Fuck, I left the sink filling up with water to do the dishes and left the room. Promptly forgetting about it.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Uh oh, man the pumps! How bad is it?

      • CPRM

        Used every dry towel I have. It filled the drawers to the left of the sink with water, got them outside drying out.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Eek.

      • CPRM

        Now I have to wait for the towels to go through the wash cycle so I can do the dishes.

      • Lackadaisical

        Drip drying is where it’s at.

      • CPRM

        I need a towel to dry them on. My sink don’t got that fancy drying section.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Will pray to St. Florian for you.

    • Grosspatzer

      Can’t leave you home alone, can we?

  23. Rebel Scum

    Looks like we are getting another deferment.

    In keeping with my campaign promise, my Administration is announcing a plan to give working and middle class families breathing room as they prepare to resume federal student loan payments in January 2023.

    I’ll have more details this afternoon.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    “The science has changed.”

    No, it hasn’t. You were always wrong.

    • Rebel Scum

      Anthony “The Science” Fauci is retiring. So the science did change.

    • Fatty Bolger

      That’s the maddening part about all this. The science hasn’t changed. Only the pronouncements from the scienticians have changed.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    As recently as two months prior to that, Wen was advocating for the Biden administration to “further restrict the activities of the unvaccinated.”

    Wen also previously entrenched a segregated society when she blamed people who hadn’t taken the jab for a COVID-19 “surge” while asserting “we can’t trust the unvaccinated.”

    Wen also called for making it “hard for people to remain unvaccinated” by restricting their social freedoms.

    She asserted that, “It needs to be hard for people to remain unvaccinated,” claiming that it wasn’t currently difficult (despite the group being demonized and discriminated against on a daily basis).

    Leanna Wen should be flayed alive and then burned at the stake.

  26. Rebel Scum

    Unity/healing/etc.

    Charlie Crist won Florida’s Democrat gubernatorial primary Tuesday evening and he’s already attacking DeSantis supporters.

    Crist labeled DeSantis supporters “haters” in his first press conference since winning the primary.

    “Those who support [Ron DeSantis] should stay with him and vote for him,” Crist said shaking his fist.

    “And I don’t want your vote. If you have that hate in your heart, keep it there!” Crist said.

    He continued, “I want the vote of the people of Florida who care about our state.”

    “Those who are haters, you’re gonna go off in your own world,” he added.

    Crist, what an asshole.

    • EvilSheldon

      Usually they wait a few weeks after the primary to commit political suicide…

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        He knows he’s going to lose so he’s already taking the shitheel position.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Winning hearts and minds.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Charlie’s just speaking how the leftists actually think.

      • Bones

        “Think”…

    • Grosspatzer

      “Those who are haters, you’re gonna go off in your own world,” he added.

      As long as you stay in yours

    • Lackadaisical

      *continues to fully endorse desantis*

  27. The Late P Brooks

    “And I don’t want your vote. If you have that hate in your heart, keep it there!” Crist said.

    Reverse psychology. They’ll all vote for him now.

    “I’m voting for the negger.”

    • The Other Kevin

      When did candidates go from talking shit about their opponents, to talking shit about voters? Seems counterproductive to me. Unless you have the means to fortify an election, I guess. Just seems like if you win, you want the people you represent to want to work with you.

      • Ownbestenemy

        When it has been your party’s stated goal of destroying, and imprisoning political opponents and their supporters.

      • Drake

        Still mad at voters for reelecting Trump in a landslide so big it took days to fix and the rigging couldn’t be hidden.

  28. Scruffy Nerfherder

    I’m trying not to bust out laughing in the middle of a videoconference.

  29. Aloysious

    When Tony said, “Gott in Himmel!”, I flashed on Dr. Strangelove shouting out, “Mein Fuhrer!”

    I laughed. In spite of Tony being too stupid and ugly to be Dr. Strangelove.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Ve must hav a zuitable ratio of showgirls to politicians in order to repopulate the country….

      • Rat on a train

        I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious…service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.

  30. The Late P Brooks

    So- in furtherance of my little youtube-related outburst the other day (Stop saying the same goddam thing over and over and just get to the fucking point” it was)…

    I clicked on some thing yesterday which I thought might be mildly interesting and/or informative, and whaddaya know? He says [X], and edits himself to a different location where he says… [X]. Bye.

    If you were doing one long continuous take, and happened to repeat yourself, that’s no big deal. But to sit down and intentionally edit a video to consist of a bunch of repetitive blurbs? Fuck off. Do you have a destination, or don’t you? It doesn’t matter what the topic is.

    Some day, we’ll do logical ordering of thought.

    • CPRM

      Media, like sports talk and talk radio have been this way for a long time. They take up the whole time talking about how they are going to be talking about something and then they barely talk about that thing. It is a trick that gets used a lot by the media. They talk a whole bunch about what they are going to talk about and never get to the point. If they ever got to the point then would be talking about the thing that say they are going to talk about. And that wouldn’t fill up the air time they need to fill to keep the audience engaged. So instead of talking about what they are talking about they talk about what they are going to talk about. It’s a tactic that is used a lot to keep stringing the people along. So instead of talking about they say they are going to talk about they instead endlessly restate the same thing in different ways.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The world just ended! We’ll have details after the break…

      • The Other Kevin

        +1 “Coming up in the news, a story you won’t want to miss.”

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        You could be in danger from a common household item. Coming up next after the break.

      • Ownbestenemy

        The danger lurking in your pantry, are your kids at risk?

      • Fatty Bolger

        It’s always the last story… and it’s always something stupid.

      • Gender Traitor

        One of many reasons I only watch local news when there’s a tornado warning close enough to worry about.

      • Fatty Bolger

        It’s like that clickbait that takes you to an endless series of pages, and what you clicked on isn’t even one of them.

    • Sensei

      YouTube scores things by length. So you need to either get your point in a “short” 60 seconds or take 20 minutes. Something in the middle scores lower showing up in people’s feeds.

    • Not Adahn

      ISTR that the Youtube algorithm/monetization scheme rewards a certain minimum length of video, which is why they’re all padded out over ten minutes.

      • Lackadaisical

        Incentives, how do they work?

  31. The Late P Brooks

    Different guy.

  32. The Late P Brooks

    Unlike that quack Foochy, Strangelove knew what he was doing.

    “We discarded the idea, for reasons which at the moment must be all too obvious.”

  33. Rebel Scum

    Slow-mo Joe just came in, removed his mask and promptly coughed in his hand…

  34. The Late P Brooks

    YouTube scores things by length. So you need to either get your point in a “short” 60 seconds or take 20 minutes. Something in the middle scores lower showing up in people’s feeds.

    This is not exactly surprising.

    Of course I generally don’t even click on any youtube longer than twelve or maybe fifteen minutes unless it’s content from a known source.

  35. Sensei

    Thanks CA.

    You are the gift that gives in so many ways to the rest of the US. From citizens fleeing the state and bringing their enlightened politics and spending to their new home to your one size fits all environmental and resource use laws.

    California to Ban the Sale of New Gasoline Cars
    The decision, to take effect by 2035, will very likely speed a wider transition to electric vehicles because many other states follow California’s standards.
    https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/24/climate/california-gas-cars-emissions.html?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=california-to-ban-the-sale-of-new-gasoline-cars-2

    The restrictions are important because not only is California the largest auto market in the United States, but more than a dozen other states typically follow California’s lead when setting their own auto emissions standards.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I can’t get out of Nevada quick enough cause we will follow California to hell as our current governor desperately wants to be Newsome.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      By 2035, all of this eco-bullshit will have blown up in everyone’s faces, making these decisions irrelevant.

      Hell, Germany may not make it through the winter.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      So you have to fly to another state to buy a gasoline car. And then drive that car to California. Sounds like a way to reduce carbon emissions to me.

      • Drake

        Or… Fly to another state, buy a gasoline powered car, and don’t drive back to CA.

      • R.J.

        Beat choice.

      • R.J.

        Dammit, I quit typing today.
        Best choice.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Beat Choice. — Was just about to start snapping fingers.

      • R.J.

        Still appropriate!

      • Nephilium

        Not .beat time?

      • Lackadaisical

        Beat time?

        Back in highschool that was just about any time.

  36. Sensei

    What would we do without experts and the AP?

    Experts: Force appears excessive in Arkansas beating video

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I figured they would be screaming about systemic racism by now… oh wait.

      • Lackadaisical

        Yeah, I didn’t hear anyone’s race mentioned, so I’m assuming….

  37. The Late P Brooks

    California to Ban the Sale of New Gasoline Cars
    The decision, to take effect by 2035, will very likely speed a wider transition to electric vehicles because many other states follow California’s standards.

    I look forward to the days when city streets are once more filled with horse drawn carriages.

    • Gender Traitor

      … and horse shit.

      • Animal

        And flies.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        And pattens?

    • Nephilium

      Which I believe are banned in parts of CLE, which is why some of the party wagons that are pedal powered cannot go there, they fell under the same restrictions. If I had to guess it’s something about four wheels and being muscle powered.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Reminds me of Serbia.

      It’s just missing a guy in a tracksuit on a cellphone

  38. Sensei

    Avoid anything PAX related seems to be the lesson recently. Sad given its Latin meaning.

    So, what’s an Odyssey owner to do when they need tires but don’t want the cost or headache associated with the Michelin PAX system? Change wheels, of course, and one manufacturer seems to have the goods to fix the Odyssey’s tire headache. Other Hondas on the Global Light Truck architecture don’t go wrong terribly often, so Pilot and Odyssey take-offs can be a touch scarce. You know what does go wrong catastrophically as soon as the typical fourth owner takes possession? Almost every BMW under the sun.

    Here’s Why So Many Honda Odyssey Owners Are Running BMW Wheels On Their Vans
    https://www.theautopian.com/heres-why-so-many-honda-odyssey-owners-are-running-bmw-wheels-on-their-vans/