“Of all the bad ideas you’ve had, this has to be the worst,” Finnegan said, holding the chicken as Hunter slit the bird’s throat.
“Look!” Hunter said.
Finnegan opened her eyes a crack to see sparking wires hanging from the neck of the chicken as it writhed in her hands.
“I told you birds aren’t real,” Hunter said. “Maybe you should listen to your old Dad once and a while.”
“You offered me a hit of crack when I was nine,” Finnegan said drily, dropping the simulacrum onto the floor and inspecting her hands disgustedly.
“Bring me a real chicken,” Hunter ordered.
“What’s a real chicken?” she asked.
“A cis chicken, you know, the eating kind of chicken,” he said.
Finnegan walked over the wall of cages. The clucking was deafening.
“Which ones are the cis chickens?” she yelled.
“The ones that were born chickens,” he yelled back.
Finnegan opened the cage of the most docile looking of the bunch and pulled out a gently cooing hen.
“I’m not going to help you kill this chicken,” she said, walking back to the pentacle he had carved into a table from the basement.
“You have to,” Hunter said. “We must have the male and the female energies. The union of opposites into the alchemical rebis.”
“This is dumb,” Finnegan said.
“I will bring forth Dark Brandon!” Hunter said, groping under the hen she held. “OK, that’s a real chicken, I don’t feel an off switch.”
“Did you just stick your finger in this chicken’s asshole?”
“Chickens don’t have assholes,” Hunter said pedantically. “They have a single orifice for defecation, urination, sexual intercourse and egg-laying called a cloaca.”
“Did you just stick your finger in this chicken’s cloaca?”
“That’s where the power switch is on fake birds.”
She looked down at the hen in her arms. “And this chicken is a real chicken?”
“Cis chickens are chickens, Finny. Don’t be a bigot.”
Hunter suddenly swiped across the chicken’s neck with the boxcutter and this time blood came out instead of wires and clear jelly. Hunter took the flopping, bleeding animal from her arms and used its pumping blood to fill the carved channels of the pentacle.
“See?” Hunter asked. “Real chicken. Unlike Ohio, which is not real at all.”
“I can taste the salmonella in the air.”
“Hush,” Hunter said, riffling through the printed out pages next to the makeshift altar. “Now it says we have to “immanentize the eschaton.”
“No, you skipped like three pages,” Finnegan said, looking over his shoulder. “The chant is next.”
“You are such a smart girl,” Hunter said. He fumbled with a brûlée torch and hit a crack rock as big as his thumb. “I’ve always said so,” he squeaked around a lungful of smoke.
“Can’t you just smoke weed like everyone else’s dad?” Finnegan asked wearily.
Hunter coughed out an acrid cloud, acetone and burning rubber, and said “I’m too cool to be like other dads.”
“Are you also too cool to wear pants?”
“Yes.”
Hunter pick up his notecards, smearing them with chicken blood, and began to recite:
“Rise, Dark Brandon, the Earth is yours for the taking. Rise, O Lord of P’wnage. Rise, O Lord of Dem rage.”
“You know this is just some dumb coping meme, right?” Finnegan muttered.
“Dark Brandon! Enter this vessel of mortal flesh and banish His frailty! Give Him strength! Restore His cunning! Enrobe His flesh like living chocolate!”
Hunter reached over the pentacle and tapped out the ashes of his Biden Administration-issued crack pipe into the center.
“Is that it?” Finnegan finally asked, breaking the silence.
“There’s a bunch of other stuff, but I figured I would skip it. What the fuck is cinnabar? Am I just supposed to know what that is?”
“You can’t skip parts of an incantation of binding. That’s like Incantations 101.”
“RISE, DARK BRANDON!”
“And yelling is not going to help.” Finnegan began to snuff out the ring of black candles.
Hunter adjusted his jock strap and foreskin scarf, took another hit of crack and pouted.
“Maybe it wasn’t enough blood,” he said, his pupils so large they crowded out his irises.
“Maybe don’t download dark rituals off an angelfire.com website.”
“I should have used a goat. Let’s go get some goats”
“Are goats real?” Finnegan asked snidely.
“All too real, sweetie,” Hunter said sadly. “You’ll see.”
Torn between…
“He fumbled with a brûlée torch and hit a crack rock as big as his thumb.”
and
“Maybe don’t download dark rituals off an angelfire.com website.”
as favorites.
“Cis chickens are chickens, Finny. Don’t be a bigot.”
I don’t know. The idea of Hunter Biden musing “I should have used a goat” is pretty great/horrifying all on its own.
“All too real, sweetie”.
This one was hit after hit after hit. I’m not even gonna try to pick a favorite.
The last hit he took is always Hunter’s favorite.
The second-to-last hit is always the best, because you know that you have one more…
“There are final hits, and then there are final hits. Which one would this be? “
I love the way this is mocking the failed attempt at memeing Dark Brandon into existence.
Praise Kek!
/disappears in a puff of crack smoke
Wait, Mr Ilium was a hallucination?
I’m not sure if I’m a hallucination, a robot, a fever dream, or something worse.
You are a tulpa, just like the rest of us, only your back story is that you’re from a made up place instead of a real place.
You are a tulpa, just like the rest of us
I’m not tulpa.
I’m Poppy.
A Tulpa Poppy would destroy the known glibverse
You’re a Rooster Illusion…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4cRzClzw-U
Either Hunter didn’t read the ritual properly, or he fell pry to the standard technique of putting bogus information out to foil the uninitiated. This would never work. Pentacles are seals, they’re not for summoning. For a summoning you need the space demarcated by the outer circle of a pentagram.
You expect him to think clearly?
Being stoned to the bejeebus is not a negative when it comes to magik.
/Oracle of Apollo
/Shaman
/Alister Crowley
/Dr. Vinkman
I read the Crowley opus “Magick in Theory and Practice” during my college year
s. All the horror of Sugar free without the entertainment value.The Hunter character means you can do anything.
Wait! Almost all my life has been a simulation?? Where am I really?
On second thought, I’m not sure I want to know.
South Erie.
In PA? Or in the lake?
The lake, like Michigan, Ontario, or Dakota
So what you’re saying is I’m a mermaid! 😃🧜♀️
::eagerly searches for Lake Dakota on MapQuest::
Lake Agassiz.
::eagerly searches for pictures of Daryl Hannah::
::how GT now identifies:: —> https://allhdwallpapers.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/little-mermaid-9.jpg
But… what are your cats going to do?
Learn to
dogcat paddle?😿🌊💧💦
Unlike Ohio, which is not real at all.
Back in the alt.conspiracy days, it was North Dakota that wasn’t real.
“Maybe don’t download dark rituals off an angelfire.com website.”
HAH!
“I should have used a goat. Let’s go get some goats”
A goat.
That’s absurd!
*looks around nervously*
When I was in North Dakota last year after Freedom Fest, I went to Theodore Roosevelt National Park. I had lunch at the Boots Bar in Medora, ND. One of the waitresses there grew up not far from where I live in NH.
TBH nowhere is far in NH
Hunter coughed out an acrid cloud, acetone and burning rubber, and said “I’m too cool to be like other dads.”
Week after week. It’s really quite impressive.
It is, I don’t know how he does it.
Rise? Like bread?
Ash doesn’t say every single syllable of a ritual incantation.
Don’t be like Ash
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KB1CGuwVHjY
But basically he said the words! Basically…
A ritual is a contract, and contract verbiage requires precision and accuracy.
You would argue with the one who took out the Deadites, Jason, and Krueger? Not to mention that time some schmuck had to take down Guan Di?
Did you see how it turned out for him when he didn’t pay attention to the verbiage? I doubt he’d argue that point.
Hey. He took out Bubba Ho Tep too. Man’s a legend.
That was Elvis.
https://birdsarentreal.com/
Oh goodie. Bedtime reading.
Nice. Hunter is starting to grow on me. Can’t wait to find out how he dies.
Friendly fire in the Ukraine while trying to collect 10 percent for the big guy?
The Super Uber Kherson offensive took our first son!
Ha! He is the new Keith Richards.
Rolling Stoned?
Immortally drugged up?
I assume that at some point, like the poet Rimbaud, Hunter will abscond to Africa to reinvent himself as a gun smuggler.
Old crackheads never die, they just disappear in a cloud of smoke.
Like Keith Richards, Hunter can never die.
This is the stuff that adult swim used to pick up…so good…so dark…and so gonna find out goats are real
Three thumbs up!
BOOOOSH!! and/or kakow.
Let’s ask Japan.
What a retarded world we live in.
I remember when deforestation was bad.
Don’t forget that one of Germany’s green energy solutions was compressed wood pellets – from the US!
Houses that need to be rebuilt every twenty five years or abandoned?
Not just houses, but multi-use/multi-story buildings!
Don’t worry, the plan is for anyone who’d want to use those buildings to have died off already.
It’s perfect. Just add one flaming cow.
I’m scared
Or scarred
SF’s stuff is beginning to make sense. Is it just me or are we all in this together?
Yes.
He is risen.
https://twitter.com/WelshMemelord/status/1564796843032281089/photo/1
On topic links:
https://scarletwoman-oto.org/ for all your Crowleyite needs in the Austin area!
https://slatestarcodex.com/2020/05/26/my-immortal-as-alchemical-allegory/ to better understand Sug’s line about “the union of opposites into the alchemical rebis.”
Well, if you’re in the Midwest, you could visit the Buckland Museum of Witchcraft & Magick. The extra K means they know what they’re talking about.
I suppose since this has Hunter and “good moral character” this counts as on topic! It’s not like Hunter has ever been cavalier about firearms.
Thousands rush to apply for gun permits in New York days before “good moral character” requirement takes effect
I’m waiting for the injunctions.
I think there’s already been one, within the last few days…
Got a link?
I’m afraid not. It came up in my YouTube feed a few evenings ago. If I see it again I’ll post it somewhere.
Okay.
I’ve seen nothing on my usual sources for these cases, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t miss it.
I have no social history. I do not use such things. I only exist here in this small virtual world. Luckily I would never be living in New York.
Right. I have a Linkedin account and that’s it. Have at it.
That said NJ and NY are going to drag this SC decision out for years because FYTW.
They may just end up causing the next major case to be “shall issue, no conditions other than current/prior criminality, current insanity. Oh, and must be within 30 days. No fees allowed either. Have a nice day.”
One can hope.
I’m assuming this is the university that makes the picante sauce?
NEW YORK CITY!
I’m guessing he’s not an English professor.
“qualitative” (?!) == “right-thinking”
We are all on the same page in the Progressive utopia.
Life happens fast.
“We’ve kept the peasants from being able to travel. Success!”
The unicorns aren’t working hard to enough to shit out new charging stations.
*cracks whip*
Midday tune.
I love the driving bass that was so prevalent back then.
How do they hold onto the wheel with those little pectoral fins?
They bit the top of the wheel.
Holding the “wheel”
Nice! Haven’t heard that one in decades.
I let Spotify roll and there it was!
This one is on now.
Also nice! But I never forgot them – I have that album. Or at least the album that track is supposed to be on but for some reason isn’t in my iTunes library.
OK, one more.
So, Hunter is Cooldad.
No surprise there.
(PS, much better than the literary horror novel I tried reading. You don’t need a proof editor!)
OK, I need to know.
Burn Palace, by Stephen Dobyns.
His other literary thrillers were pretty good, Church of Dead Girls and Boy In The Water.
I enjoyed “Is Fat Bob Dead Yet?” I read “Burn Palace” but it didn’t leave much of an impression on me, I only vaguely recall the plot.
Hunter is my spirit animal?
“The Mythical Kandahar Giant, The Biblical Cryptid Allegedly Killed By U.S. Special Forces In Afghanistan”
https://allthatsinteresting.com/kandahar-giant
Wasn’t our own Steve Smith in Astan around that time? Cryptids must be attracted to poppy fields or something.
He was also Al Qaeda’s #2.
STEVE SMITH ALL AMERICAN CRYPTID. EAGLES WEEPING MAKE STEVE SMITH MAD. HAPPY TO GIVE IT TO AL QUEDA IN THE NUMBER TWO.
STEVE SMITH NO GO THERE. NO HIKER, CAMPER. SNACKS BAD.
You may have heard my insane comments regarding Trump, but let me clarify that I am even more insane than you thought…
Trump planned 9/11 to get the building contracts! It all makes sense now!
Is there a relationship between Trump and Larry Silverstein?
Two Major NYC Real Estate Developers? Probably.
No, no, you don’t get it. Bin Laden destroyed the buildings and kill all those people, but Trump MADE A PROFIT from construction which is WAY worse.
Trump also boasted about selling weapons to the Saudis.
That’s not that impressive. Now if he were selling them sand…
I’m saying Trump and the Saudis did 9/11, so that 15 years later he could become president and sell them weapons…while also eliminating a lot of office space in Manhattan.
Osama? FRAMED.
Got a newsletter?
One could actually entertain that idea and make a cogent argument for it; one might be wrong, but the argument *can* be made. The problem is that Harris is not making the argument that US foreign policy has resulted in more death and destruction than anything bin Laden did, he’s making the argument that Trump, who among our last… 3-4 presidents may be the *least* guilty, is uniquely dangerous. Relative to Hillary Clinton. Relative to Obama. Relative to Bush/Cheney. He’s just advertising that he’s a ‘deep state’ hack, not the rational intelligent person he wants to portray.
Sam Harris is a supergenius like Wile E. Coyote was a supergenius but there’s no ACME products to extract him from his current predicament. If you’ve dug yourself a hole the first step is to stop digging.
I still say Wile E Coyote was a product tster for ACME, which is why he got such fast delivery and such a high failure rate.
He was the one that proved heaven doesn’t exist because the Hubble never saw it.
Show some respect.
LOL!
Bridget doesn’t disappoint.
What is it for him, women mostly in their early 20s? Mildly skeevy maybe but there are much bigger moral fish to fry in Hollywood.
Apparently he likes blondes.
LOL I knew who that was concerning before I clicked.
“You know this is just some dumb coping meme, right?”
QFT