Joemala: Episode 83

by | Sep 7, 2022 | Joemala | 119 comments

 

“And the war is going well?” Joe asked.

“Very well, sir,” Karine said. “Gas prices in Europe should have the entire continent shivering all winter.”

“Well, that’s what Europe gets for invading Afghanistan,” Joe said, turning to look out the fake window in the Oval Office set.

“And your approval ratings are way up after your speech,” Karine said.

“What are they now?”

“73% You’re the most popular President ever!”

“More popular than Barry?”

“Way more popular, sir. Beloved. I’d say you are beloved.”

“But not too popular, right? I don’t want Hillary to kill me.”

“I’ll double the Secret Service shifts, sir.”

“Good. I don’t want anyone getting into the White House.”

“Daddy!” Hunter squealed from the shadows.

“My son! My beautiful son!” Joe cried, holding out his shaking hands.

Hunter pranced into the light, his jockstrap gleaming, his Adidas shoes whiter than his father’s porcelin teeth. He stopped to strike a pose.

“I need more Ukraine money,” Hunter said, pouting. He walked up to the replica Resolute desk and lay across it. “A few billion, maybe? Ten, at most.”

“I shouldn’t be hearing this,” Karine said, her eyes wide.

“Executive privilege, honey,” Hunter said blithely. “It’s just us girls here, after all.”

“No, I have to go,” she said and trotted off stage left. But she stopped, gasped, and screamed. “What is that?” she asked, pointing.

With a few adorable grunts, a huge rodent walked into the studio.

“That’s Finnegan, my capybara,” Hunter said.

“Finnegan?” Joe asked. “Bring her over here. I want to kiss my granddaughter.”

“This is a pet?” Karine asked again, moving away from it.

“Yes, they are all the rage right now,” Hunter said. “The Insta-Animal of the moment.”

“Does it bite?” she asked.

“Only lesbians,” Hunter said and laughed.

“Lesbians?” Joe asked excitedly.

“It’s just a joke, Daddy,” Hunter said. “Finnegan doesn’t bite anyone. She’s a very good girl.”

“And you named it after your daughter?” Karine asked.

“Why not? It’s a perfectly good name,” Hunter replied.

“That’s a funny-looking dog,” Joe said, peering over the edge of the desk.

Finnegan threw back her head and yawned, showing her huge buckteeth.

“Are you Daddy’s girl?” Hunter asked. “Are you Daddy’s good girl?”

“Bring it up here,” Joe said. “I want to kiss it.”

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

119 Comments

  1. DEG

    trotted off stage left

    Subtle. But I caught it.

    • Tonio

      Well, it is the Oval Office set, after all.

  2. WTF

    “But not too popular, right? I don’t want Hillary to kill me.”

    Perfect.

  3. WTF

    Hunter pranced into the light, his jockstrap gleaming, his Adidas shoes whiter than his father’s porcelin teeth.

    UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ

    • Shiny Nerfherder

      That’s perfection. I can see it in my mind’s eye, which is now mostly blinded.

    • Aloysious

      Hunter twerked into the light, sweat soaked perenium thrusting to the beat only Hunter could hear…

      Instead of variations on classical music, we should do variations on Sugar free. What could possibly go wrong?

      • Aloysious

        Stupid HTML fail. Bah.

        *EDIT FERRY HELPS*

      • Aloysious

        Edit faery is the best faery.

  4. The Late P Brooks

    “The Insta-Animal of the moment.”

    Necessary for the ostentatious display of contrived human emotion.

    • WTF

      Thankfully, it wasn’t an Ultra-MAGA capybara.

  5. Tundra

    Hunter pranced into the light, his jockstrap gleaming, his Adidas shoes whiter than his father’s porcelin teeth. He stopped to strike a pose.

    Lots of mileage from that pic!

    Also, people do actually keep those as pets!

    Wednesday SF, come for the horror, stay for the ROUSs!

    • Fourscore

      People keep Hunters for pets? Say it isn’t so, Joe

    • pistoffnick

      ROUSs!

      I don’t believe they exist.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    I’d say you are beloved.

    Repository of America’s hopes and dreams.

    • WTF

      Most popular president EVAR!!! 81 MILLION votes!
      All totally legit, I’m sure.

  7. Tonio

    Poor human Finnegan. Is there nothing that poor woman hasn’t endured?

    • Tundra

      Hopefully showers with Grandpa.

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        ew

      • Bobarian LMD

        At this point, it’s probably more of a sponge bath, using one of those crane devices.

      • CPRM

        It’s called a Hoyer lift.

  8. The Late P Brooks

    Most popular president EVAR!!! 81 MILLION votes!
    All totally legit, I’m sure.

    It would have been a million trillion votes, if not for the racist MAGA-ites burning truckloads of stolen ballots.

  9. Old Man With Candy

    Who would ever name an animal after a close family member?

    • Shiny Nerfherder

      My father

    • MikeS

      Since you asked, I suspect possibly you?

      • The Other Kevin

        He named his nerf “Scruffy”.

      • Tundra

        “Wonder Dog” is an odd name for a child, but who am I to judge?

      • MikeS

        Mother in law?

      • Old Man With Candy

        Ding ding ding. As SugarFree knows. WonderDog was named after my sister.

      • Not Adahn

        Your sister was named WonderDog? Your parents were fucked up.

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, they named him ‘Old Man’, so…

      • Lackadaisical

        Wonder dog with candy? That is weird.

    • Fourscore

      Well, if that family member is an animal, yeah. We’ve all seen kids that were in a state of nature, though most of them had names that were unpronounceable

  10. MikeS

    Do Capybara turn into Chupacabra if you feed them after midnight?

    • Aloysious

      Chupa-thingies are almost as frightening as STEVE SMITH.

      • R C Dean

        True story: We live on the edge of Tucson, lots of raw desert around us. Shortly after we moved here, on my drive to work I saw, two or three times, a critter crossing the road that looked very much like the YouTube footage people have posted of chupacabras. Same gait, same general sort of hunched-up look, and same bluish/gray color.

        One day, I saw it again, and as I got to where it had crossed the road it was still off to the side. It was a coyote with the worst case of mange I had ever seen, up to and including raw sores running down its spine. If I had had a gun, I would have put it out of its misery on the spot.

    • MikeS

      So this Dark Brandon thing is an actual Pro-Biden meme? These people are retarded.

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        They’re very excited about cracking down on wrongthinkers. They’ve got the taste of blood and they want more.

      • SugarFree

        The Eternal January 6th, a bloody shirt to wave forever.

      • MikeS

        They want the wrongthinkers to start shooting so they can unleash the military on them. That must be their wet-dream endgame. Stupid fucks.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        Saw the meme further down: Our New Power Source: MAGA Tears and Fear.

        The tears are whatever. Lots of jokes around here about collecting prog tear during various events.

        Fear is new one though. Especially with the embrace of the blood red background. This country is going to be in an abrupt awakening if things continue going down this path. There is a reason Antifa and BLM confine their rioting to liberal strongholds.

      • Gustave Lytton

        If the puppet masters using antifa think they control enough support elements (media, DA’s office), they’ll be happy to use their proxies elsewhere. Look at who has been prosecuted from antifa/proud boys clashes.

      • EvilSheldon

        Look at Columbia in the ’80s. In any kind of general breakdown of law and order, prosecutors and judges are among the first to be targeted. Reporters and other media types usually ain’t far behind.

      • Gustave Lytton

        And both were targeted in the Ireland, too. Participants and supporters (or even just those who are thought to be so), and then spills over to everyone left.

      • Drake

        The IRA went straight for the secret police on Bloody Sunday.

      • Mojeaux

        Antifa and BLM

        Red shirts.

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        The lust for fear isn’t new.

        I had a falling out with some college friends because they were rejoicing at a video of some redneck who supposedly got put on the no-fly list for 1/6. It wasn’t true, but they were taking great delight in it.

        When I stated that the no-fly list shouldn’t exist in the first place, their immediate response was to accuse me of being for it as long as it targeted Muslims. They don’t give a shit about rights, they want to get even with those who they perceive as stymieing their agenda for utopia.

      • Bobarian LMD

        they want to get even with those who they perceive as stymieing their agenda for utopia pulled their underwear up over their head in junior high..

      • DEG

        Yes.

      • Zwak. who's suit is as ragged as his nerves.

        It’s stupid, it just as quickly becomes Dork Brandon.

        Seriously, the left can not meme.

    • rhywun

      Insulting potential voters is considered “slaying it”.

      Wow.

  11. Nephilium

    SPEAK! (SFW: it’s a video of the best capybara evar).

      • rhywun

        He meant “Also 2022 in one picture”.

      • Bobarian LMD
    • Sensei

      Ignoring the inefficiencies it will take hours (or days) to charge the car in any way meaningful.

      120VAC at 12A (80% of a 15A outlet per NEC) puts about 4 miles/hour into that particular Tesla.

      • Drake

        Yep – would be much better off putting the gas into a regular car instead of the generator.

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        I have this argument about heat every winter. Electric heat is the most inefficient and costly way to heat a building. People think they can buy a 120V space heater and heat their warehouse.

      • Zwak. who's suit is as ragged as his nerves.

        Funny story; during Jerry Browns first term in the seventies, he had all the gov. buildings turn down the heat to 68 the first winter. And on the first day of this, it hit every gov’t worker in Sac hard and it sucked, no one was dressed for it and so on. The very next day, almost all of them brought space heaters in, you know, the super inefficient ones they made back then. Well, when the those were all turned on around 8 am, so much power was needed that the mains for down town blew like a MFer. They worked all night to get the heat turned back up the next day.

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        I absolutely believe that.

        Even if they build the generation for electric cars (which they won’t), the grid can’t handle the load. It’s pure insanity.

      • Zwak. who's suit is as ragged as his nerves.

        The sad thing is that all the gov. buildings at that time were on steam heat from a central plant, down on like n and 12th or something. You can’t run steam heat with too low a pressure in the tunnels or it just peters out. The whole system is designed for a level of flow and reducing the temps in season just doesn’t work.

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        My experience in Finland during the summer confirms that.

        They were cooking me out of the hotel because they still operated the steam as part of the hot water system.

      • Bobarian LMD

        The barracks at trade school were all steam heated. They didn’t turn it on until October, so you’d freeze your ass off in late September, and then leave your windows standing open for most of the winter.

        Murder on the sinuses.

      • robc

        “The barracks at trade school were all steam heated. They didn’t turn it on until October, so you’d freeze your ass off in late September, and then leave your windows standing open for most of the winter.”

        Georgia Tech dorms worked this way. There was technically a 1-10 know to control the heat output, but it did nothing. And being Atlanta, you didn’t need much heat in the winter most of the time. So you ran the heat full bore and used the window to adjust.

        We didn’t freeze, the bigger issue was the AC and heat couldnt work at same time, so you hoped there wasn’t a November heat wave.

      • robc

        knob

      • UnCivilServant

        But 68 is still sweltering.

      • Drake

        Yep – my heat never gets close to that in the winter.

      • Timeloose

        60 during morning and evening and 58 at night and during the day. The dog stays warm enough during the day and the wife and I wear long sleeves and or a sweatshirt in the house with socks. It’s plenty comfy.

      • Mojeaux

        My family had a kerosene heater with a fan.

        My dad had the brilliant idea to put a camping heater in the passenger floorboard of our VW Bug that had no heat. Right. Under. The. Gas. Tank.

      • Timeloose

        The late 70’s and early 80’s every schmo bought a kerosene heater and put in a wood stove in the Northeast away from bigger cities. Most of the homes were oil or propane heated in the smaller towns and cities. Electric heat just started being somewhat widespread, but still costly.

        The coal stoves in the larger cities and towns worked great, but it required a tending during the morning, after work, then before bed.

        The kero heaters used to leave soot in the house if they were poorly maintained. The wood stoves required a lot of work and space compared to the coal.

        I’m happy with my Natgas, but i still need electricity to run the water pumps, so during a blackout I cant heat the whole house.

      • Mojeaux

        Our heat is natgas, but my stove/oven is electric, which I HATE, and I haven’t had a gas stove since I was a kid. My mom had her whole kitchen replumbed so she could have a gas stove and I’m envious.

      • Mojeaux

        People didn’t bother to put a sweater and extra socks on?

      • Zwak. who's suit is as ragged as his nerves.

        Not when they think their office is going to be 75* all day.

      • robc

        The office I worked at in the late 90s had an overpowered AC and a thermostat that was outside the office in the hallway.

        We froze in the summer. I wore sweaters and used a space heater all summer long. Winters were nice though.

        The other side of our office burned up from the morning sun heating the office.

      • Sensei

        I have 50A 240V outlet that charges at 40A continuous. It charges the car at about 28 miles/hour.

        Works absolutely fine for my and most uses cases. That will give you a full charge from over about 10 hours i.e. overnight.

        And I don’t go close 280 miles a day. Mind you cut that down 40% in January in the cold and snow…

      • MikeS

        Some Greenies in the replies rightly point out that a solar charger would be much smarter.

        And then the authoritarian Greenies say “just charge it over night, stupid!”

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        The stupidity of that statement aside, Greenies always take the position that life and the world in general should conform to their desires.

      • Urthona

        Actually just use regular electricity during the day. The grid seems to be strained more when solar goes offline.

    • UnCivilServant

      Strange… some time between this morning and now, Work blocked Twitter.

      • Zwak. who's suit is as ragged as his nerves.

        Did Elon finally buy it?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Your governor was getting a lot of extra shit today, so maybe she pulled the plug?

  12. The Late P Brooks

    There is a reason Antifa and BLM confine their rioting to liberal strongholds.

    Getting shot in the face for reaching through a car/truck window to assault the MAGA-ites inside is a little more truth-and-justice-y than your average antifa puke is willing to commit to.

    • Lackadaisical

      Am I crazy to think this is actually a great public service?

      Beauty plus wisdom. Hm.

      • Tundra

        You are correct.

  13. LCDR_Fish

    Behind on replying to earlier posts again.

    Carolla has a good rant in today’s podcast about why they spent 100 billion on a non-functioning high speed rail, but nothing on water, etc – because they let unelected boards cancel new projects like the Desal plant, etc.

    Separately…we could probably supply Europe with enough natural gas – if the gov’t stepped off the necks of the producers and shippers.

    • Urthona

      Did california actually have blackouts last night? were they bad?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Looks like they had a demand event (and forecasting one again tonight) but not sure if that translated into blackouts.

        http://www.caiso.com/TodaysOutlook/Pages/default.aspx#section-demand-trend

        The problem is that usage doesn’t line up with supply. The easy answer is CA needs to temporarily change their clocks forward another 3-4 hours and they’ll be fine. Call it Super Duper Special Daylight Savings Time.

      • Gustave Lytton

        My MSM loving coworker out of the blue made some sneering comments about TX’s energy grid last week. I was wondering at the time why he came up with that. Must have been presalting for this week’s CA fuckup.

      • Urthona

        Surprisingly, no power outages this summer for Texas amid record heat. Hopefully some steps have been taken.

      • R C Dean

        Unlike CA, TX generally has enough capacity. Last winter’s outage was a lot of that capacity taken offline by an ice storm. I would be very surprised if steps had not been taken to winterize the TX grid. But, again unlike CA, there is little reason to think TX will have problems during the summer. TX still overinvested in intermittent energy sources and underinvested in reliable energy sources, but they should still have the margin they need as long as everything is online.

      • Bobarian LMD

        TX also had a once-in-a-century cold wave, while California is experiencing a once-a-year weather event called September.

      • R.J.

        The winterizing is barely moving. Funds were dispersed, operators are not moving quickly to handle the issue. Root cause may be more an issue of getting winterizing supplies more than laziness. The governor is going to start fining those who do not pass a winterize inspection.

    • Shiny Nerfherder

      Drake’s link in the morning links provides some insight into the European gas situation. It appears that there’s an Enron type situation going on in addition to the eco-insanity.

      It would not be unheard of for investment firms lobbying to constrict supply for their own benefit.

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        Ruled by idiots and thieves

      • Bobarian LMD

        There is always the fallback of big ovens…

      • Drake

        “mandatory target” is their new nonsense term.

    • EvilSheldon

      Come on, guys! The swoop-and-chug is a longstanding tradition among skydivers.

      • Bobarian LMD

        It was Miller Light! They should deport him for the beer choice.

      • EvilSheldon

        Hey, some people like canoe sex. I don’t judge.

  14. Sean

    Daily Quordle 226
    7️⃣9️⃣
    4️⃣8️⃣
    quordle.com

    • Grosspatzer

      Daily Quordle 226
      8️⃣6️⃣
      5️⃣3️⃣
      quordle.com

  15. Sensei

    The companies in the EU are ready for any emerging energy issues.

    -Big banks in Europe are preparing for an energy crisis as Russia tightens the gas taps, per Reuters.
    – JPMorgan may use diesel generators, while Deutsche Bank turned off fountains and hot water.
    – The insurer Zurich said it could close its gym and some office floors if the situation worsens.

    https://www.businessinsider.com/jpmorgan-deutsche-bank-europe-russia-gas-hot-water-lights-generators-2022-9

    • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

      It really is painful watching them nibble around the edges whilst ignoring the problem(s) staring them in the face.

      • Zwak. who's suit is as ragged as his nerves.

        When your religion is based not on a afterlife but on present day utopia, faith will be tested.