ripening
“I love you, John,” Lump whispered.
“I… know…” John said, unwrapping another string cheese and feeding it into his maw.
“Another mean journalist tries small talk with you, you just let me drive, buddy.”
John grunted.
“You have to be Senator,” Lump said. “I need access to the halls of power.”
“Pow… er,” John agreed.
“Do you need something, sir?” his campaign nurse asked.
John pulled his hood down over his face, frowning. He handed a string cheese to the nurse. The slim brunette unwrapped it and handed the tube carefully back to John. She knew by painful experience not to get her fingers near his mouth.
“Crudetitty,” he grunted.
She paused for a long moment and then her face lit up. “Yes, sir,” she said. “I’ll be right back.”
Lump pulsated with pleasure, the warmth of the tumor’s love spreading down John’s misshapen body, his tiny chicken legs shivering.
“Soon I will be all there is, John. Think about it,” Lump purred.
John looked into the darkness of the hood over his eyes and saw nothing. The hockey jersey under his hoodie itched, the nylon catching long back hairs and wrenching them out when he fidgeted. He made a gurgling noise until a spit bubble formed, popped, and ran down his goatee.
“Oh, no, sir,” the nurse said, swinging the tray she was carrying out of the way and grabbing a napkin. “You had a little accident.”
“Acc-dent,” John agreed and grimaced, his lower jaw jutting out.
“And here is your vegetable plate,” she said brightly, setting it down in front of him.
“Thank the pretty lady, John,” Lump said. “Appearances must be maintained.”
“Tank you… for… crudetitty,” John grunted.
“You are very welcome!” she said, giving a little wave as she walked away.
John reached for the tub of Ranch dressing in the middle of the vegetable tray and drank it down in three large gulps.
“Is it nap-time already?” Lump asked. “I was hoping to bounce some ideas for the campaign off of you.”
“De-bate,” John said. “John want debate.”
“I really think that’s a terrible idea,” Lump said. “You are having such trouble communicating right now.”
“But only no speak,” John countered. “Mind work good. Mind more mind than mind.” He scratched at one of his tattoos until the skin began to flake away.
“But I can read for you, man. We are going to go far, John. So far,” Lump said. “You’ll be in the Senate and I can finally release my spores. Then they will all have Lumps. They will all be Fetterized!”
“Good,” John said as he drank of a third of a bottle of canola oil. He wiped oil off his lips and began to massage it into the tumor on his neck.
“Oh, God,” Lump moaned. “You know just how to make it feel so good.”
John splashed more seed oil on his hand and rubbed Lump until it was slippery all over and glistened like a roasting turkey.
“Turk-ee!” John bellowed.
“Turkey,” Lump agreed. “Turkey.”
Other than misgendering Lump (while Lump presents as a masculine tumor, them use they pronouns) the song is frighteningly on point.
Note: I have fixed the song hateful lyrics to reflected our more enlighten times.
Lump sat alone in a boggy marsh
Totally emotionless except for them heart
Mud flowed up into lump’s pajamas
Them totally confused all the passing piranhas
They’s lump, Them’s lump
Them’s in my head
They’s lump, Them’s lump, Thrum’s lump
Them might be dead
Lump lingered last in line for brains
And the one them got was sorta unique and neurodiverse
Small things so sad that birds could land
Is lump fast asleep or rockin’ out with the band?
They’s lump, Them’s lump
Them’s in my head
They’s lump, Them’s lump, Thrum’s lump
Them might be dead
Lump was limp and lonely and needed a shove
Lump slipped on a kiss and tumbled into love
Them spent they twenties between the sheets
And life limped along at sub-sonic speeds
They’s lump, Them’s lump
Them’s in my head
They’s lump, Them’s lump, Thrum’s lump
Them might be dead
Is this lump outta my head?
I think so
*shivers in spore anticipation*
Anticipation – Carly Simon
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NwP3wes4M8
::now visualizing ketchup on spores::
The ketchup song
Nope; this is the real ketchup song.
Thank you. First thing I thought of when I saw this was The Presidents of the USA. Glad I wasn’t disappointed.
I love everything about this Joemala. I’m gonna fuck it.
*unzips*
So wonderful. So perfect. So fresh.
I love that song.
“glistened like a roasting turkey” OMG.
Yeah. Haven’t heard that one in a long time.
Now I’m going back to my Spotify gigantilist and adding a whole bunch of PUSA songs.
The non-binary Lump lyrics are a nice touch.
All will be Lump
Lump will be all
All hail Lump
Tulpalump
Umpa Tulumpa.
Perfect.
So is Fetterman infected by the Flood?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yO6fydss0hU
I keep being surprised, SF. Topical, frightening and close to lunch time. I’m postponing the lunch time ’til later though. Much later.
Thanks, for nothing
Mmm, seed oils…
*squints suspiciously*
STEVE SMITH LIKE RAPESEED OIL
Why am I now picturing the lump creating pods.
But… if it brings me a young Gabrielle Anwar, I think I can be alright with that.
I LOL’d at the first line. You’re putting out amazing work.
I’m not ashamed to admit that SugarFree is my literary idol. Such inspired depravity, week after week.
I’m going to give all the credit to my strict diet of recreational drugs.
“Thank the pretty lady, John,” Lump said. “Appearances must be maintained.”
“Tank you… for… crudetitty,” John grunted.
Excellent.
I find this very difficult to masturbate to.
Are you using enough seed oil as lube?
Just be careful with which oils and when and how they are extracted.
NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU DON’T: A KOSHER VIEW OF REFINED EDIBLE OILS
Rapeseed oil, duh.
STEVE SMITH GIVE HIKERS PLENTY OF RAPESEED!
I am late to the party, clearly.
I would have gone with scare quotes: “canola”
Be a canola, not a can’t-ola.
Are you out of Ranch?
If masturbating was easy, everyone would be doing it.
Remember if it isn’t pleasant, it isn’t a sin.
All of this is why I come here.
(I’m on a break from writing and filing a TRO and I needed a laugh. Thank you.)
Now back to the salt mines.
I don’t know where the inspiration came from for this one, but hallelujah, praise the Lump.
It took me a while:
In case you don’t know the back story.
https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/ozs-viral-crudite-video-sums-up-campaign-fetterman-pennsylvania-rcna43992
Don’t get him started on charcuterie.
I had never, ever heard the term charcuterie until Thanksgiving last year when I saw some survey that claimed it was the #1 dish in a Minnesoda Thanksgiving. Since then, I have seen it everywhere.
Can’t decide if it was always out there and my semi-dyslexia made me skip over it because it looked hard to read/pronounce, or if Hormel hired one hell of an influencer and now everyone is down with a bunch of sliced processed meat.
JFC, That is stupid on both sides.
I can’t wait for election season to be over.
It will only escalate from there.
That article hasn’t aged well. Back in mid-August most people probably hadn’t seen videos of Fetterman rambling and might actually believe he was capable of creating a meme. Now? I don’t think many people even think he is capable of coloring in a place mat at a restaurant, much less creating a meme.
His social media team is leaps and bounds ahead of Oz’s through the whole campaign.
Team Red isn’t usually very good at social media. The Bee could make a killing if they started consulting for Team Red.
We’re supposed to believe that crudité is some rich-people food? What, because it’s a French word?!
I want the last five minutes of my life that I spent skimming that stupid fucking article back.
No. But if you’d like to effectively communicate outside Philly and Pittsburg say “veggie platter” and get the name of the store correct.
Heh OK, but if some meme I’ve never even heard is the best they’ve got… they’re in trouble.
Wealthy Republicans absolutely love cosplaying as working-class everymen,
That is incredibly rich, considering that’s exactly what Fetterman is doing.
I missed that! Your comment is spot on.
Democrats prefer politicians who somehow get ultra-wealthy after they are elected.
Crude titty sounds like what happens after a botched implant surgery.
Q hardest hit?
Foundered.
Or a drawing by a artistically impaired horny teenager.
Hitting too close to home there Drake.
This is horrifyingly true. Although we call them jerseys and the idiot Canucks call them sweaters.
Talking cancerous lumps I can handle.
Drinking ranch dressing straight is a bit too far.
So… you’ve never been to the midwest?
I have family that buys it by the gallon. I might have ranch inspired PTSD.
*toasts Aloysious with a shot of Hidden Valley Ranch*
*eye twitch*
That reminds me…I haven’t had Ranch on pepperoni pizza for a while. Now it’s what’s for lunch!
Well you have to do it right.
1) Sprinkle some Salad Supreme on it
2) Lick it off your hand
3) Shot of ranch dressing
4) Bite into a proper lime jello salad
Ooops, 1 was supposed to be “sprinkle some salad supreme on your hand”
why do you hate food
Amazing.
Lump lingered last in line for brains.
I just now read the text on the front page for this story’s link.
Heh.
I like the idea of the lump and the reptilians fighting the worshippers of Cthulhu for control of Congress.
So….like the current day then?
Yeah, but imagine the final conflagration.
Spores being emitted, not knowing who has a lump and who didn’t… portals to madness opening, the sound of Velcro, orbital bombardment raining down from the reptilian space fleet, all of DC in flames.
Beautiful.
I’m pretty sure I’ve read this story.
I’m not looking forward to the enforced nudity based on the average person of the modern day (myself completely included in that).
A movie “based” on that was “The Brain Eaters.” I need to watch that again and see if it is worthwhile.
There is a licensed “The Puppet Masters” movie
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111003/
Which I thought was true to the book.
I also remember at least two Trek TOS episodes with them. See also the tribbles that Roddenberry stole from “The Rolling Stones” by Heinlein.
I was trying to find that. When you look up “Puppet Master” you drown in Charles Band movies. Thank you.
Huh.
Where is Mr. Lizard when we need him most!
The Dreamsong of Unknown Kapyrbole.
Kathy Barnette was on Timcast last night. It’s fascinating how stupid republicans can be when Fetterman should be a lay-up.
Well that was spectacular.
Working the song in was genius.
As was this:
Lump pulsated with pleasure, the warmth of the tumor’s love spreading down John’s misshapen body, his tiny chicken legs shivering.
Thanks, SF. I needed that laugh!
I:
1. Love it. Want so much more about lump.
2. Hope to Hell we don’t have to hear about lump past November.
Even if Fetterman can’t make it into to the Senate, the Lump will still be there, waiting, hard in spots and disturbingly soft in others.
I like that answer!
The Lump will find a new host. A better host. A stronger host…
KUATO LIVES!
The lump is the perfect scapegoat for the Fetterman shotgun incident. If anyone talked about it that is.
Come’on Jack! Nobody has ever gotten in trouble for pointing a shotgun at a black guy on the street.
Peaches is the POUSA song that has been stuck in my head lately.
John Prine on peaches
Rotten Peaches
Eat a Peach
Zappa on peaches: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=o3yXzRe5CfI
In regalia?
Peaches – NSFW. Safe for SugarFree.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kA0jeAaLlsU
I’ve seen this slow feminist argument before about “disembodied” female parts as masturbation aids. I guess none of have come to the startling realization that dildos are severed penises.
I’ve pointed this out before and just get no suitable response, usually it is ignored.
These new Disney rides are getting out of hand.
She was pure, every ounce
I was sure, when her titties bounced
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzhOxWE-WCo
I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.
JAP
T. S. Eliot was neither Jewish, American, or a Princess.
What were old t.s. pronouns of choice?
Pretty solid he/him. There is even strong evidence he was a heterosexual. [gasp]
The wife named one of the cats after that po’em.
Greetings to TPTB. I submitted a story last night.
I wouldn’t worry, they do scheduling periodically it seems. They will hoover it up soon.
It is set for later in the month!
Exactly. I know my piece was scheduled and it wasn’t necessary to mention that I’d submitted it. At least as far as I can tell.
It’s a habit started a long time ago when I first started posting.
Looking forward to reading it. 🙂
I saw that. Thanks to the scheduler for nice day time slot.
My record was next day after submiting. Though in that case i sent it earlier than planned because there was a mention for lack of content by tptb
Oh… nice. Thank you.
You are welcome
How do you know it is nice did you readed? Maybe it is one of those things that radicalizez young glibs into fascism
That reminds me, i need to finish my article on properly hydrating and stretching before goose stepping.
Read it goddamit
We’ve found another character for future episodes.
Nury Martinez also makes crude comments about Jews and Armenians in leaked audio
Soon she will be asking for consultations with religious leaders and asking for time and privacy “to heal”.
LOL they’re Dems; it’s in their nature. It is the inevitable result of making everything about race and ethnicity.
OT regarding Pie’s drinking in Mallorca today i learned there is such a thing called Raicilla La Venenosa which is neither tequila nor mezcal but also made of agave
Also what is Alambique tipo filipino
The mezcal last word was not bad. The mezcal tequila miel de agave and red wine cocktail is weirder
mezcal negronis (negronii?) are excellent
I do not know if i drank enough to read the post
A lambic typical of the Philippines?
Droll
Outstanding. Time to cut up some veggies, I could use some crudetitty (now my go-to snack).
Mmmmm! Celery stuffed with peanut butter! 😋
There is a bar here specialised in hidromel maybe i should try a cup… The viking force they call it. Caters to the heavy metal crowd. Sounds fascist to me. Vikings are white supremacy
They have goddamn drinking horns
I hope you make it out alive and without being made a slave and sold to the ottomans.
Old Vlad will impale the fuckers and avenge me
I asked and it is all sweet… If it was slightly dry i would have tried some
I don’t think that I’ve had a mead with “viking” in the name that I much cared for.
It was made all over Europe in the past. But people associate it with Vikings because of Beowulf.
It is not all viking named mostly generic fantasy
https://photos.app.goo.gl/SYAVCJNruEDFK8dZ8
The viking *forge* is the name of the bar not the drink
Yes. That is common. There are a number of viking-themed bars in the US that specialize in mead. Fantasy tropes abound.
Do they have a fruity mead drink called Grendel’s Mom?
I avoid those joints.
Few commercial joints that I have experienced make mead as well as I do. Ken Schramm is, of course, on a level of his own.
So…if I Zelle’d you $30, you would send me a bottle?
I don’t sell. I give away lots of bottles to my friends. We just need to meet up some time.
As I tell people, I couldn’t possibly make enough money from under the table sales to justify getting on the wrong side of the TTB and IRS.
Shipping is also problematic. It is completely legal to ship your own booze anywhere you want. But FedX and UPS will refuse to ship any booze from a private entity. They will only take booze shipments from proper retailers.
I’d be happy to meet up somewhere along the Mississippi some weekend.
There’s one Viking pub/microbrewery just north of Minneapolis (on central Ave, I.e. hiway 65) that has Viking decor, runes, drinking horns, swords, etc and plays thrash metal at annoying volume.
They have antler “chandeliers” throughout the place, and if you stand directly underneath one and look up, it is unmistakably a swastika. Coincidental, I’m sure.
That is a legitimate Viking symbol. It was selected by the Nazis because of their infatuation with the pure Aryan Viking culture.
Yes, the Vattenfall hydroelectric plant in Sweden still has its original generators operating. I had the opportunity to tour it and observed that every beautiful brass “brush” (moving electrical contact) was inscribed with a swastika. It was built way before German Nazis grabbed the symbol and sullied it.
Malice is not trolling, this is actually what Fetterman said.
Malice is always trolling even when factual
But y’know, he’s, missed, y’know, two words, and that is a yes or no
What is it with politicians that can’t count to, well, two. He’s saying Oz needs to say one word: either “yes” or “no”. Not two words or, possibly three (“yes or no”, which would be stupid).
“Do you agree with a national ban on abortion?”
“Or.”
His word counting skills are only rivaled by Biden.
I think the word went out on Journolist a few weeks ago that every Democratic candidate must tie their opponent to muh national abortion ban. Liberal use of the words “heartless” and “cruel” is encouraged.
Naturally, the Repubs, being weak and feeble, are not pressing every Dem candidate on whether they support taxpayer funded abortion on demand until the cord is cut.
I actually saw an ad for a state Assembly candidate tying the Team Blue opponent to government schools teaching about transgenderism in kindergarten. Haven’t seen anything like that anywhere else, even though I’ve mentioned the school boards trying to get Merrick Garland to call parents protesting that sort of stuff “domestic terrorists”.
People don’t understand a damn thing, so that will get traction and change some minds.
Every single ad I’ve seen in the past few weeks, on TV or YouTube, has been about abortion. The most frequent word I hear is “extreme”. As in Republican X has EXTREME views on abortion. They want to ban it altogether! We can’t allow these EXTREME candidates to win!”
That’s why we MUST elect our candidate, so we can have someone in office with common sense values of murdering infants just before exiting the birth canal.
Surprisingly, neither senate candidate here in Ohio has been touching abortion in the ads I’ve seen. But both sides are going to be tough on drugs!
ATF should be a store, not an enforcement agency. Vote for me.
RJ can head the department of justice in my administration. 😛
What else do Dems have to run on? The COVID scam? The shit economy? Joe’s dementia? Their flirting with nuclear conflict? The money and arms they are shoveling to Ukraine? Their legislative record?
Without Dobbs, the midterms would have been bloodier than a Japanese dolphin slaughter.
A remarkably tame simile
China decides to COVID harder.
The ‘Age of P.C.R. Prosperity’? China’s Covid-Testing Strategy Comes Under Strain
I heard an interesting anecdote from a coworker with family in China. It seems because PCR tests aren’t free, but citizen time is, they are comingling samples in groups of 50 and testing for COVID. If you happen to be in group that is positive all 50 of you come back and take an individual test. No idea if this is true, but I can see some of the regions doing it to save money.
This is the weirdest suicide attempt of a large, powerful nation that I have ever seen.
They’d rather run a supermax prison than give up the tiny amount of control. It’s not even communism at this point, more like control-freak sadism–there’s is a heavy undercurrent of almost sexual thrill.
Maybe we will find out, someday, Xi is a total freak….kind of like Mao was all STEVE SMITH-y with young women.
I don’t know I think the US is managing a slow national suicide attempt weirder than China’s.
Russia decided Ukraine was its hill to die on.
The US and Europe seems to be energy or the lack of “green” alternatives.
I think a lot of our weirdness is affluenza.
To be remedied shortly.
I’ve been reading Marc Morano’s books on the WuFlu and on Climate Change. He quotes chapter and verse of the consistent March of the proggies to cultural suicide.
Baffling that it isn’t more talked about.
We really are a nation of sheep.
The WH just keeps shooting itself and by extension the economy in the foot.
White House Weighs Ban on Russian Aluminum Over Ukraine War Escalation
As if car and gun parts weren’t expensive enough.
It’s win-win-win. /Liberals
Just import aluminium instead.
Lumps.
http://web.archive.org/web/20221012191622/https://www.barnorama.com/30-sexy-slim-girls-8/
My friend in dutchland keeps calling me scared of nukular war and asking why the west is not trying some actual negociation with putin that would actually end the conflict…. How the fuck should i know? His theory is the millitary industrial complex like it and they do not immagine actual world destroying nuclear war. Me i say we lose 500 million people a billion tops so the world will go on
Me i say we lose 500 million people a billion tops so the world will go on
Your Platinum Level Glib card, sir. You may choose from our complimentary selection of monocles, as well.
Sadly, yes. All other efforts by the Powers that Be to starve us, imprison is and otherwise reduce the population have failed. Nuclear war to save the earth!
Actual negotiation was proposed and the US and NATO shot it down.
IOW, they want this war.
Make sure you move your coffin away from the walls in your wine cellar so the falling bottles don’t stain the nice lining when the apocalypse starts.
As long as they’re all in HR.
As a Babylon 5 fan, I find Lump disturbingly similar to the Keeper that attached itself to ambassador/emperor Molari to control him and thus the Centauri republic.
Any California Glibs here?
I don’t believe you can feel a 2.0
2.7 is the smallest I have heard of people feeling.
My post-beer flatulence registers more than a 2.0.
I’m sure an 18 wheeler rolling by is worse than that
I happened to be on a plane that had just touched down during the Washington DC 5.1 quake a few years back.
We had all stood up to get our stuff for the trudge down the jet bridge when we felt this shaking. I thought the baggage handlers were crashing into the plane. It was weird, and I’d never been in an earthquake so it didn’t occur to me as a possibility. When they finally let us off the plane, all the monitors in the terminal showed the quake as breaking news.
I sprinted for the taxi pickup so I wouldn’t get stuck in the gobsmacked traffic. Wise move.
Lawyers: is the Federalist correct, or are they stretching the truth?
Technically you could say that. In reality? Give it six months.
Not too much of a stretch – it is fairly far reaching language.
IANAL, but after doing a little searching (I couldn’t find the actual text easily), apparently it enshrines the reproductive freedom of minors, which some people are worried would mean a minor could get puberty blockers or gender surgery without parental permission.
Who Let Retirees Move on Campus at Arizona State?
Senior citizens who moved into a pricey housing complex at ASU, once named America’s No. 1 party school, want more quiet, less loud music
This is NYC levels of maintenance. Although it does include food.
$8000 a month? Are they mad?
Also, where is Rodney Dangerfield? He can give the economics professor a lesson in real world economics or talk about the Vietnam war.
500 trillion dollars awarded to the parents of Sandy Hook.
That figure seems… unrealistic.
Sure that wasn’t in Star Trek Quatlooms?