Tis the Season, Redux

by | Oct 27, 2022 | Fiction | 184 comments

Part 1.  {It was two years ago, you might want to review it.}

The shadows were getting longer as the sun began to set.  Sam tightened the drawstrings on his hoody leaving only a little bit of his face showing.  It felt like everyone was staring at him all the time, and he didn’t want to be recognized.

His feet took him aimlessly through the city center which had lots of small shops that closed up by supper time.  He couldn’t go back to the park, and being around houses after dark would just attract attention.  Some of the larger shops had nice landscaping between the parking lot and the building, and he could crawl behind the bushes to get out of the wind.  The rain last night had caught him off guard.  It had stayed cloudy until the very end of the day, so his clothes were still damp.  Sam knew he needed to find a dry place tonight.

The hunger pangs started up again.   He still had some cash left, but Sam couldn’t go into a store or fast-food joint after he saw his face on the TV news at the coffee shop two days ago.  Posters were starting to show up on the doors of some of the shops – “Have you seen this boy?”.  They were using his high school year book photo from last year, so it didn’t look all that much like him now.

* * * * *

Sam turned the corner into an alley and almost ran into a scrawny homeless guy in a tattered jacket with stringy black hair sticking out from under a stocking cap.

“Hey kid.  Hey kid.  You got some money?  Gimme a buck.  Yeah, gimme a buck.”

Sam tried to step around the guy: “No, I don’t have any money.  Leave me alone.”

The homeless guy moved directly in front of Sam: “Hey kid.  I know you got a buck.  Gimme a buck.”

Sam’s hand went instinctively into the pocket of the hoody, and he gripped the revolver.  He started backing up: “I don’t have any money.  Leave me alone”.

The homeless guy stood up straight and eyed Sam.  “You know they’re going to catch you sooner or later if you don’t learn how to become invisible.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I know you’re the kid.  Your face is all over the place.”

The blood drained from Sam’s face.

“It’s OK man.  I ain’t gonna turn you in.  I bet all those people had it coming.  They all do.”

Sam’s mouth moved, but nothing came out.

“Listen, my name’s Vinnie.   Vinnie is here to help.  Vinnie helps all the kids that show up on the street.”

Sam stood frozen in place.

“Hey kid, I can help you.  You just gotta let me.  I know all about being invisible.  I been following you for a day and a half, and you never noticed me.  I can help you.”

Sam said nothing.

“First of all, you got to lose the hoody.  Everybody lookin’ for a kid in a black hoody.  Might as well paint a bullseye on your back.”

“I . . . I can’t get rid of it.” Sam’s hands fidgeted in the hoody pockets.

“You ain’t still carrying that gun are you.  Cause, that’s just stupid.  You need to ditch the gun.   If they catch you with the gun, it’s a slam dunk.  Fast train to a needle.  First thing, you gotta get rid of the gun.  Then, you can say the old man beat you up and you ran away from home.  No gun, no proof you did it.  Gimme the gun.  I’ll take care of it.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Well, now you gotta decide.  You can turn around and walk out of this alley and try to hide somewhere.   Or you can decide to trust me.  No skin off my teeth. But you gotta choose.”

Vinnie stared at Sam for what seemed like minutes, then Sam slowly pulled the revolver out of the hoody pocket and held it out.  Vinnie stepped forward and carefully lifted the gun from Sam’s hand; then he put the gun in the front pocket of the baggy pants he was wearing.

“You got anything else in the pockets of that hoody?”

Sam pulled a clear bag from the other hoody pocket with a few rounds of 38 Special.  He offered them up to Vinnie.  They also disappeared into Vinnies pants.

“Alright then, take off the hoody and give it to me.”  Vinnie started taking of his jacket.  “We gonna switch.”

Sam handed off his hoody and took the jacket in return. “This stinks.  It’s terrible.”

“Of course, it stinks.  It’s part of being invisible.  People smell ya before they see ya.  They turn away and avoid eye contact.”  Vinnie pulled off his stocking cap. “Put this on and pull it down low.”

Vinnie turned the hoody inside out and pulled it on.

“Now we gotta do something about your jeans and shoes.  They just too nice.  See that puddle over there?  You go jump up and down in it.  Big splashes.  Get shit all over you.”

“But I’ll get all wet.”

“Yeah, you get wet.  Then you get dry.  Funny how that works.  Just do it.”

The puddle turned to mud as Sam jumped up and down.  His shoes and pants were completely covered, and the smell of the mud filled Sam’s nose.

“Well, you ain’t completely invisible yet, but it’s a good start.   I bet you must be pretty hungry by now.  If we get going now, we can get to the bakery a couple of blocks over before they dump the stuff they can’t sell into the dumpster.  Good eatin I tell ya.”

Vinnie turned and started down the alley quickly.   Sam stood still, uncertain what to do.  Vinnie yelled over this shoulder.  “Come on boy.  You already in deep.  Might as well keep going.”

Sam stepped out of the puddle, then hustled to catch up to Vinnie.

 

Welcome to my nightmare

I think you’re gonna like it

I think you’re gonna feel you belong

A nocturnal vacation

Unnecessary sedation

You want to feel at home cause you belong

 

Welcome to my nightmare, whoa-whoa-oh

 

After a few minutes, Vinnie turned down a new alley.  Sam could see a bunch of kids milling around half way down the alley talking amongst themselves.  One of the kids noticed Vinnie and Sam.  He said something to the other kids, and they all stopped talking.

The back door of the bakery opened just as Vinnie and Sam arrived.   An arm reached out and put a black drum liner full of stuff down on the back stoop.  The arm withdrew, and the door closed.  Vinnie nodded at one of the kids who rushed up to the stoop and grabbed the bag.  The kid trotted over and handed the bag over the Vinnie and then took several steps back.

The kids sort of lined up, and Vinnie handed out small loaves of bread to each of them.  They all fell back quietly and started eating.  Vinnie took out two larger loaves, then handed to the bag to one of the bigger kids.

“Make sure all the smalls get something to eat before anyone gets seconds.”  The kid nodded in return.

Vinnie walked over to Sam and handed him one of the loaves.

“You follow us.  We got a place to crash at night.  We stay dry and warm.  You’ll be OK with us.”  Then Vinnie turned and headed down the valley.  All the other kids fell in behind him.

Sam followed behind, far enough back to not feel like he was “in the group”, but not so far as to feel disconnected from them either.

The kid that had fetched the bag from the stoop stopped and waited for Sam to catch up.

“I’m Jacko.  I’m supposed to make sure you don’t get lost on the way.   Vinnie says you my job now.”

Sam said “You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be fine”.

Jacko, shook his head.  “Vinnie said it, I do it.   Come on.  You gotta move faster.”

Sam picked up his pace, and Jacko stepped in beside him.

* * * * *

They both ate in silence as they walked behind the main group.  “This bread is fresh.” Sam mentioned.

“Oh yeah, they give us the good stuff.” Jacko replied.

“But Vinnie told me the shops put out the stuff they can’t sell anymore because it’s too old”.

Jacko shrugged his shoulders.  “Maybe a long time ago.  But now that Vinnie is here, the shops do better for us.  Cause if they don’t, . . .”, Jacko shrugged again.

“What do you mean?”

Jacko continued, “Well the shops don’t like it when a bunch of bums shit on the sidewalk every morning before they open up.   So, Vinnie makes sure it don’t happen.  And if the shops forget after a while, well then Vinnie makes sure it happens again.   At least till we get better stuff from the shop.”

Sam stopped in his tracks.  “That’s disgusting.”

“Don’t care.  We eat every day.  Come on keep up.”

 

Welcome to my breakdown

I hope I didn’t scare you

That’s just the way we are when we come down

We sweat and laugh and scream here

Cause life is just a dream here

You know inside you feel right at home here

 

Welcome to my breakdown, whoa-whoa-oh

 

You’re welcome to my nightmare, yeah-yeah-ah

 

Vinnie led the kids on a zigzag path through parking lots and alleyways until they reached an abandoned industrial building.  Most of the windows were broken out, and the double doors facing the alley were hanging cockeyed on broken hinges.

Sam watched everyone go inside and then stepped through the doors himself.  The light was dim, but he saw broken furniture, wooden crates, and carboard boxes spread out over a concrete floor.  Vinnie’s crew had dragged in several steel drums.  They had started fires in two of the drums on opposite sides of the building.   Scrap wood was piled up in different places to keep the fires going.  Most of the kids stood around one of the two barrels to keep warm.

Vinnie waved to Sam, so Sam walked over to meet him.

“This is home now.”, Vinnie said.  “You’re safe here.  Everybody takes care of everybody.  You get a dry place to sleep and something to eat each day.  We’ll give you a couple of days to fit in, then we’ll get you working with the others.”

Vinnie called to one of the girls next to one of the fires.  “Tina, come here.”

She walked over.  “What do you need Vinnie?”

“This is Georgie.  He’s going to be staying with us.”

Sam started to talk “No, that’s not my name . . .”  But Vinnie cut him off.

“Yes, it is.  That other guy is gone now.  No one here cares about that other guy.  You Georgie now.  Everything is new from here on out.”

“Tina, take Georgie and find a place for him to crash tonight.  We’ll figure out the rest tomorrow.”

“Sure Vinnie.  I got it.”

Tina walked up to Sam and got very close.

“Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry.”

“Are you going to make me cry Georgie?”

“No.  Never.” Sam stumbled over his words.

“Good.”  She stood up on her toes and kissed Sam on the cheek.  Then she turned and took his hand.  “We’ll find some place for you to stay warm tonight.”

 

Welcome to my nightmare

I think you’re gonna like it

I think you’re gonna feel you belong

We sweat and laugh and scream here

Cause life is just a dream here

You know inside you feel right at home here

 

After they left, Vinnie sat on a nearby crate.   He then took the revolver from his pocket and held it in his lap.  He pressed the cylinder release and let the cylinder fall open.  He pushed the ejector rod and watched six cartridges spill out onto his lap.  The kid had kept it loaded and ready to go.  Vinnie put the cartridges back in to the chambers, spun the cylinder, then snapped it shut.

He smiled.  Possibilities.  So many possibilities.

 

Welcome to my nightmare, ooh-ooh-ooh

 

Welcome to my breakdown

 

Yeah

 

 

Welcome to My Nightmare  — Alice Cooper (1975)

About The Author

kinnath

kinnath

I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: the glibs, and... uh... my booze.

184 Comments

  1. kinnath

    I love the cover photo. Thanks TPTB.

  2. UnCivilServant

    {It was two years ago, you might want to review it.}

    I was wondering why I had trouble remembering when Part 1 dropped.

    • kinnath

      I am not quite as prolific as Animal.

      • UnCivilServant

        Neither am I, I wouldn’t hold anyone to that standard (even if I subconsciously chastize myself for not getting content written as fast)

      • DEG

        From the deadthread about Oracle: Yeah, it does sound like we’re arguing even though we have the same position.

  3. DEG

    Welcome to My Nightmare — Alice Cooper (1975)

    Good song.

    And a good story too.

    • Sean

      +1 on both counts.

      • kinnath

        Thanks to both of you

  4. Mojeaux

    Okay, wow. You set that up kinda Hitchcock style (not showing the crime), and you set up his motive well in just a few sentences. Well done.

    Also, thanks for the Russ Ballard. I had forgotten that song, and that I loved it back then.

    • kinnath

      Thanks

    • Fatty Bolger

      Agreed. I went back and read the first part, and I don’t think it’s even necessary. I like this in medias res beginning better.

      • kinnath

        I promised Fourscore a follow up. It only took two years, but I fulfilled that promise.

      • Fatty Bolger

        So do we have to wait another two years to find out what Vinnie has planned for his youts? 🙂

      • kinnath

        Depends on whether or not another song engages me as being relevant to this story line.

      • Fourscore

        You did good, Kinnath, both at keeping your promise and a great story

  5. Fourscore

    I’m glad you sent me back, I’d forgotten the story. Now we’re getting into the deep part and I’ll wait another week.

    A sigh of relief after SugarFree. Thanks, Kinnath, I can handle murders, I watch the news…

    • kinnath

      You are welcome

  6. Tundra

    WOW!

    What a fantastic follow-up! And I actually knew the song from the beginning!.

    Definitely getting a Fagin vibe from Vinnie.

    Great story, kinnath. Thank you!

    • kinnath

      Thanks

  7. Drake

    Russian news agency so take it with a grain of salt, but amusing if true.
    Battle erupts between Polish mercenaries, Ukrainian nationalists near Liman — LPR official

    It sounds like the Poles weren’t enthusiastic enough about dying for the Ukraine so they sent over a political officer and some thugs to convince them, but didn’t send enough. Playing NKVD / Gestapo in a war zone with armed troops is a dangerous game.

    • Rebel Scum

      This slav on slav violence must end.

      • Drake

        Mercs are all about risks and rewards. Change the ratio and you have problems. Been that way since the Bronze Age.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      My wife has been claiming that there are 5000 Polish troops already in Ukraine, because her family sent her some news about it on Telegram. I think the Russians would be blasting that news all over if it were true. But it wouldn’t surprise me if there are some Polish (and American, German, fill in the blank) mercenaries there given all the money that’s floating around.

  8. The Hyperbole

    I bet all those people had it coming

    Ambiguous, I like it. Keep us guessing.

    • Q Continuum

      “open your mouth and close your eyes and you’ll get a big surprise…”

  9. kinnath

    Is everyone watching TV because the worlds is on fire?

    • Mojeaux

      The fiction pieces are getting fewer and fewer comments. I guess we are fiction-heavy around here.

    • Tundra

      What happened?

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m not watching TV. I’m at work. Is this question a commentary on TV or is there something actually happening?

    • Nephilium

      I just got off a 5 hour bridge for an issue that was on the OS side, not the application side.

      Guess which side I support?

      • Nephilium

        Well, I do unfortunately have to deal with HR, but they’re not even the worst group I deal with.

        Ponder that on the logic tree of woe.

      • UnCivilServant

        I support HR software. the software they depend on to do their jobs.

        They do not answer my emails, whether technical or HR related.

        So I don’t deal with HR…

      • R C Dean

        Guess which side I support?

        The Russians?

      • Nephilium

        DA!

        I mean nyet!

        WAIT… I mean No. Definitely No. 100% Nyet.

      • Swiss Servator

        Were you gambling in Havana?

      • Ted S.

        Lovely. I saw a series of messages on one of the work chats I’m on that offshore wanted a call with me an another employee for 15 minutes to discuss the problems we’re having with software we’re testing. My supervisor told them that our shift ended in 25 minutes. I finally get dragged into a Teams call seven minutes before the end of my shift, and told them at the 40-minute mark that I was going to have to drop off.

        At least I get a whopping 45 minutes of overtime out of it.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        The Browns?

      • Nephilium

        I try… but they keep letting me down.

    • kinnath

      Sorry for the snark.

      Only 20 comments and hour and 15 minutes into a lunch time post (45 minutes after the off topic moratorium).

      Just wondered where all the commenters were.

      • UnCivilServant

        I am waiting for a meeting to start.

      • Tundra

        Shit. I had that Day 1 of the Iraq war feeling

      • Fatty Bolger

        Well, Putin has been making not so veiled threats and testing ballistic missiles, if it makes you feel any better.

      • PieInTheSky

        I thought I was the only one counting comments 🙂

        I will probably read this tomorrow at work

      • kinnath

        Not so much counting as noticing there weren’t any comments coming in at all for a while.

        I attribute this to fatigue and fear left over from yesterday’s midday post.

      • UnCivilServant

        I just figure they’re busy.

  10. The Late P Brooks

    The fiction pieces are getting fewer and fewer comments. I guess we are fiction-heavy around here.

    Speaking only for myself, I don’t like to muddy the comment waters with OTs.

  11. The Late P Brooks

    Shit. I had that Day 1 of the Iraq war feeling

    10,000 people hoofing it across the Brooklyn Bridge.

    • Tundra

      Yes, that too.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    Fagin lives.

    • UnCivilServant

      The netflix remake of the black republicans blocked from the black congressional caucus?

      • kinnath

        “Last time I checked, I’m Black, and Mayra is Latina. These Democrats care more about the ‘R’ than our race,” said Rep. Byron Donalds, a Florida Republican who was denied entry into the Congressional Black Caucus last year over party affiliation.

    • Grumbletarian

      They don’t call themselves the Congressional Latinx Caucus?! :faints:

    • kinnath

      Mutually

      Assured

      Destruction

      It worked for decades.

    • Tundra

      Evil.

      Dumb motherfuckers.

    • Rebel Scum

      But Putin is the crazy asshole.

      • Tundra

        The same Putin who ruled out first strike nukes over and over? That Putin?

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Did he?

      • Fatty Bolger

        He did not. He said there was no need for it in Ukraine, at this time.

    • Shiny Nerfherder

      We probably would have been better off if Stalin had tracked every last of the Trotskyites down and put ice axes in all their heads before they reproduced.

      • Drake

        Is it too late?

      • DEG

        I met a lass at a swing dance one night. Hourglass figure with breasts the size of her head. She knew German. I asked for her phone number, she told me how to look her up on DerpBook.

        I looked her up.

        She is a Trotskyite.

        Pass.

    • Drake

      Had to parse the language a bit. At first I thought they meant threats from “non-nuclear capable” countries. But it sounds like they’ll just start throwing nukes at Russia or China if our demonic idiot leaders start a war and it doesn’t go their way.

      Specifically, if they jump into the Ukraine, the Russians immediately sink a lot of U.S. and NATO ships in the Baltic and Mediterranean. So they go nuclear when a carrier is sent to the bottom with a conventional hypersonic missile?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Who knows what specific scenario would lead to it. The ambiguity is concerning and procedures and decision trees can’t account for everything which leaves too much room for a world ending dumbass snap decision or mistake.

    • Grumbletarian

      Remember when Trump refused to say he would never use nukes and the media said it meant he’d lead us into WW3?

  13. Sensei

    It’s totally different when we do it! TW- The (completely unself-aware) Atlantic.

    THE IMPEACHMENT OF JOE BIDEN

    Sometime next year, after an interval of performative investigations, Republicans in the House are going to impeach Joe Biden. This may not be their present plan, but they will work themselves up to it by degrees. The pressure from the MAGA base will build. A triggering event will burst all restraints. Eventually, Republicans will leave themselves little choice.

    This prediction rests, of course, on the assumption that Republicans will win control of the House next month, which appears likely: Democrats would need to win an improbable number of toss-up races to keep their majority. And an impeachment resolution requires just a simple majority to pass the House.

    Nothing in the public record offers the slightest reason to believe that the Senate, even if it is under Republican control, would convict and remove Biden from office. Still, House Republicans will come to see plenty of advantages in impeaching Biden—and, possibly, several other top administration officials.

    • Nephilium

      Fuck… I’d laugh my ass off if the first thing that happens after the new Congress is sworn in (assuming an R majority) is an immediate impeachment.

      • Sensei

        The good news is that it would keep them so busy so they can’t pass anything.

      • Urthona

        Needs to be at least two impeachments. So we are even.

        Until the Democrats impeach DeSantis three times.

    • Grumbletarian

      And an impeachment resolution requires just a simple majority to pass the House.

      How soon before leftists call for the equivalent of the filibuster in the House?

    • rhywun

      Biden has already done much worse than the specific things Trump was impeached for.

      The question is whether the Stupid Party can stop chasing its tail long enough to bother with one or two of their own.

    • Q Continuum

      Looks like Night City minus the neon.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Was gonna say, reminds me of a dystopian sci-fi game or movie.

    • DEG

      That’s not even the worst part of Philly.

    • Drake

      I’ve been to places in the “Third World” and most are much better than that.

    • kinnath

      At least they turn out to vote

    • R C Dean

      Its not called Filthydelphia for nothing, I guess.

      • rhywun

        Right? All the garbage everywhere. WTF.

        NYC has its problems but nothing that bad.

    • PieInTheSky

      Compared to south sudan not too bad. I blame rethuglican obstructionism

    • Timeloose

      As soon as I saw the train trestle I knew it was K&A. If anything there are less hustlers and more homeless junkies than before.

      It hasn’t changed much in 25, 15, or 5 years.

    • Pine_Tree

      Yay. Taking Mrs. Tree to Philly for a getaway weekend in a week.

      Sticking to the old city, Society Hill, and Rittenhouse Square areas.

      Maybe we’ll miss most of the fecal matter and crazies.

      • Sean

        Nothing is guaranteed. I don’t go there.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Those Angel of Death nurses are just the worst.

    • PieInTheSky

      Something about quarters?

      • Drake

        Each corner of England gets one.

    • Tundra

      They would have to beat me to it.

      Awful. story.

    • DrOtto

      NHS nurse of the year

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Mutually

    Assured

    Destruction

    It worked for decades.

    Like most things, it will work until it doesn’t.

  15. Aloysious

    Thanks Kinnath. I like new fiction. Nice change of pace.

    • kinnath

      you are welcome

  16. The Late P Brooks

    Tundra link:

    I really want one of those FJ55s.

    But not 25 grand’s worth of want.

    • Tundra

      Don’t you think they will start to come back to earth? It’s only us old fuckers who care anymore.

      Even muscle cars seem to be softening.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Most of the ‘90s Japanese cars I wanted in my earlier years got crushed with the Cash for Clunkers deal so I luckily don’t find these too tempting.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    This 1969 Toyota Land Cruiser FJ55 is finished in green and white over two-tone cloth and powered by a replacement 4.2-liter inline-six mated to a three-speed manual transmission

    Speaking of engine/gearbox swap candidates…

    • Tundra

      Yup. See Q’s link for the Scout.

    • Timeloose

      Muscle car prices have come down quite a bit in the past 5-10 years. They will really tank once the old man dies and the kids want some quick cash. 25-30 year old’s don’t have any nostalgia for the 60’s cars. They never had to deal with 70’s and 80’s ugly cars with no performance.

      To a kid in the 80’s and early 90’s, the late 60’s -early 70’s were like the height a great empire that crumbled within their life time. Shadows of the great empire were still around, but only the wealthy could afford them. The examples of past greatness were kept them hidden in garages and museums and everything else was a pale version of what was.

      • Sensei

        Plus the best ones are equipped with millennial anti-theft devices.

        So they won’t be driving dad’s toy.

      • UnCivilServant

        “What’s a clutch?”

      • DrOtto

        Both my girls, born after 2000 can drive a manual. The youngest actually prefers it.

      • Timeloose

        Good dad.

      • DEG

        Seconded.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Anti-texting AND -theft device!

      • DrOtto

        A Buick GNX just sold for $200k on BAT in the last day or 2. One of the few cars to come out of that era that was a performer. I originally was looking to buy a Buick Grand National in the spring, but the ridiculous prices led me to my avatar car instead. I’m hoping I bought before the appreciation curve on that but really don’t care too much. I bought it to drive.

      • Timeloose

        I’ve been looking at 70-80’s G bodies for a resto mod in the future. Such cool coupes, but they had a heavy wheezing V6 or V8 that couldn’t top 180 hp. I would love to have a Monte Carlo or even a GP with a modest LS and T-56.

      • Sensei

        They make a whole new front suspension for them.

        I’d probably keep it automatic with some variation of an LS. Essentially the car that should have been built.

        Hmm… Hurst Olds for a wacky auto?

      • DrOtto

        Yeah, back in the day my sister scored a ’78 Monte w/305 for her first ride. Low miles, great condition. 3 months later, not so much. It was a travesty.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Agree 100%. My wife’s grandfather was a hobbyist car restorer and collector, and he told me it’s mostly nostalgia that drives prices up, mostly from men hitting middle age buying the cars they wanted when they were kids. Then the next generation has little value for them, and the prices go down again, except for the very rare cars. But like you say, nobody ever had nostalgia for those garbage 80’s cars. Most of my friends in the 80’s wanted 60’s/early 70’s muscle cars that were big, fast, made a lot of noise, and smelled like oil and gasoline.

      • Sensei

        I liken it to my desire for a Packard V12.

        Way cool, but I’d rather sell it and put the money toward something I really want.

      • Mojeaux

        I loved my 86 Honda CRX hatchback. I would buy another one of those in a hot second. I liked the Honda Preludes. The CRX body has withstood the test of time. The Prelude doesn’t. I also liked the 80s Broncos.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Yeah, I’d say the CRX was an exception. My friend had the Si edition, and that was a great little car. There are a few other good ones from the era. But for the most part, new cars were boring and/or crap at the time.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Don’t you think they will start to come back to earth? It’s only us old fuckers who care anymore.

    I think a lot of them already are.

    I don’t know how many FJ55s they made, but I don’t think it was a lot, compared to the FJ60 wagon.

    • Tundra

      Yeah, now that you mention it I haven’t seen one in awhile.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    From ensei’s link:

    Sometime next year, after an interval of performative investigations, Republicans in the House are going to impeach Joe Biden.

    *guffaws, slaps knee*

  20. The Late P Brooks

    A triggering event will burst all restraints.

    Like a collapse of the bond market?

    • Nephilium

      I thought photos on resumes were verboten. Or has that changed in the past 20 years?

      • Mojeaux

        I don’t know. I’ve been self-employed for the last 20 years.

      • Sensei

        Most companies have policy of discarding any resume with a photo.

        Prevents claims of discrimination. Of course as a hiring person reviewing LinkedIn it completely OK.

        Welcome to the world that still hasn’t caught to people who have social media.

      • UnCivilServant

        You do not put photos on a Resume in the US.

      • hayeksplosives

        Neph, photos are common on “CVs” in Europe. Not common in the US because no prospective employer wants to get accused of discrimination.

    • Sensei

      I’d be very cautious with a staggered layout like that.

      Larger companies OCR / import resumes and I’m betting that doesn’t import cleanly.

    • Sean

      They all suck.

      Margins, people!

      I have one just like it on my desk. I don’t like it.

      And the Education header has 2 d’s. LOL.

    • Pine_Tree

      I do it all the time. Template 1 is the only one I’d take seriously.

      Mine’s for Engineering / Project Management / R&D types in a consumer-product manufacturing and engineeirng environment.

      1 page – focus – don’t get cute – no mysterious holes in your life – no buzzword bingo – needs to give a sense of what YOU have done, not what you’ve been around for

      • hayeksplosives

        I really like “MyPerfectResume” online. Allows you to enter all relevant information into your personal database, then choose from a wide variety of templates to try the look and feel, plus easy customization for different job openings. I slanted it one way for engineering manager type of jobs, and another way for engineering. Then save as Word or PDF.

        Even helped write and format cover letters.

        I recommend it. You have to pay for it but then cancel anytime.

      • Mojeaux

        I would pay someone to help me with my resume because it’s all over the place skills-wise. I have a shit-ton of skills that are translatable to most admin positions, but on paper they are not related in the least bit. This is going to bite me in the ass when I go looking for a medical coding position (which is why I’m asking).

      • hayeksplosives

        Then the next question is, how do you find a person qualified to help you? They’d need to interview you in depth (casual setting, not a job interview) and build the outline and structure.

        Maybe a local college outplacement could help for a small fee?

      • hayeksplosives

        The aforementioned MyPerfectResume helped me because I just put in everything Willy-nilly, and then patterns started emerging and I was able to tighten things up or expand when needed. The editor bots even helped.

    • UnCivilServant

      The ‘summary’ belongs in a cover letter if it’s included at all. there’s no reason for a sidebar. Put the contact information in the header, treat education like work experience. ‘Skills’ is so subjective that I’m inclined to just skip the section and look at the jobs listed.

      • Sean

        Sidebars suck.

      • UnCivilServant

        Indeed. I just want to go straight down the page so I can see what the person has done.

        I am also not put off by multiple pages, so long as the work history justifies it. I do not get the “one page or trash it” mentality.

    • Sensei

      So the conclusion is – not worth the $8!

      • Mojeaux

        Pfffft. I wouldn’t have spent $8. I’d have just recreated it. Document creation and maintenance IS part of what I do, after all.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    Most of the ‘90s Japanese cars I wanted in my earlier years got crushed with the Cash for Clunkers deal so I luckily don’t find these too tempting.

    Seriously. I’d seriously consider buying an early Acura Integra if I could find one, but they are scarce.

    • DrOtto

      Lack of timing belt maintenance saw to that.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    I am also not put off by multiple pages, so long as the work history justifies it. I do not get the “one page or trash it” mentality.

    I am pleased to report I know fuck all about this topic, but it seems dependent on age. Twenty-something? A single page should be more than sufficient. Mid-fifties? Unless you’ve had the same job for twenty five years, you’re probably going to need a bit more paper.

    • Shiny Nerfherder

      I need more space to elaborate on my political positions.

      • Sensei

        And employment demands.

    • kinnath

      Two employers since college.

      If I need to create a resume to find a new job, it would probably start and end dates for both jobs, my current title, and a list of my patents.

    • Tres Cool

      At least they (likely) have jobs.
      Here they just get elected.

      • DrOtto

        And re-elected…

  23. whiz

    Very nice story Kinnath. Somehow I missed the first one, but read it before today’s installment. (There will be more, right? After the first, you indicated it might have been a one-off.)

    • kinnath

      Don’t know if I am going to follow this one up. It has potential.

      • Fourscore

        What? We need to know what is happening. Lots of good trails to follow, even to include “Vinnie the Kid” in a parallel.

        C’mon Man, you sorta promised…

    • kinnath

      The first four were a response of sorts to Subaru Horror Theater.

      I was driving back from my first Honey Harvest, and I was listening to a mix CD that I had made. I thought, I could do a story on that one, and that one, and that one.

      After the first four, it kind of dried up. But I owed Fourscore a follow up on this one.

  24. hayeksplosives

    Nice, Kinnath! We know Vinnie is up to something, but we don’t know if it’s good or bad, or what the limit will be whether in one direction or another.

    • kinnath

      thanks

  25. The Late P Brooks

    I need more space to elaborate on my political positions.

    And pronouns.

  26. Sensei

    Completely foreseeable.

    Radio Flyer recalls and kills Tesla Cyberquad for Kids due to federal safety standard violations

    According to the CPSC, there has been one reported incident which appears to have triggered the recall. In that case a 36-year old female was riding the Cyberquad for Kids, which was being driven by an 8-year old, despite it being designed for a single child rider. As a result the Cyberquad tipped over and the 36-year old female suffered bruising to her left shoulder.

    • hayeksplosives

      So if I sit on the hood of a car while it’s being driven, and I fall off, it’s the car’s fault?

      Isn’t there some sort of expectation that a product be used properly?

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        *Tawny Kitaen perks up*

      • Sensei

        Thanks to the plaintiff bar not so much.

        However, reading the article that claim made the CPSC investigate. Their investigation determined the thing was non-compliant and hence the recall.

        There is no word if they viewed that particular claim as valid or a reason to recall.

    • Tres Cool

      “…suffered bruising to her left shoulder.”

      That poor woman. Ill pray for her.

    • Fatty Bolger

      This is why we can’t have fun things.

  27. slumbrew

    Excellent, kinnath!

    Although this is just going to solidify our membership on various lists.

    • kinnath

      Thanks

  28. The Late P Brooks

    Isn’t there some sort of expectation that a product be used properly?

    Haha, you slay me.

    • hayeksplosives

      “Do not drive with sun shield in place” might be my all-time favorite product warning, for those big Mylar shields that keep your car cool.

      • Nephilium

        “For External Use Only”

      • Fourscore

        Erectile Dysfunction Pills

        “Not Safe For Children”

  29. The Late P Brooks

    As a result the Cyberquad tipped over and the 36-year old female suffered bruising to her left shoulder.

    And the next thing you know, ol’ Jed’s a millionaire.

    • Sensei

      CDC Adds Declining Math, English Scores To List Of COVID Symptoms

  30. The Late P Brooks

    Meanwhile, back at BaT

    Current bid: $26k. You’d have a hard time building one like it for that.

    Power is delivered to the rear wheels through a five-speed manual transmission said to have been sourced from an E21 BMW.

    One of the best things I ever did to my 2002 was putting an overdrive 5 speed from a 318i in it.