Joemala: Episode 89: The State of Play

by | Nov 9, 2022 | Joemala | 274 comments

 

“Midterms are coming up,” Joe said as he played in the bath.

“Midterms were last night, Grandpa,” Finnegan said as she peeled a layer of shed skin from his back.

Joe’s shaky, soapy hand lifted out of the bath water and caressed her breasts through the plastic gown she wore.

“I love bath time with you, Ashley,” he said. His breath stank of Ensure and Chewable Centrum Complete.

—–

“We won, Yonny, we won!” Gisele cried as she ran to him backstage.

John grimaced and shuffled toward her, his enormous Crocs squeaking on the floor.

Gisele hugged him, nestling herself between his moobs, his numb left arm coming up to crush her against himself.

“I am so proud of you, Yonny,” she said. “Senator Fetterman sounds nice.”

“Fetterman,” John said. “Senate.” Another grimace, like an infant shitting itself.

Gisele struggled out of the hug and smiled up at him.

“Do you remember you promise, Yonny?” she asked coyly, running a finger down his 6X hoodie.

“Remember,” John said. “Promise remember yourself let me you.”

Gisele clambered on his back like a macaque and pulled his hood down. She began to lick Lump all over; them’s greasy skin tasted like flavor-blasted Doritos.

“Oh, my Cool Ranch amante,” she said breathily. She paused to nibble at they’s apex and the whole flesh potato shivered.

“I want another baby, Yonny,” she said. “I want a Lump-baby.”

Brown and black chunky pus sprayed into her mouth as she bit down.

—–

“I want a press release to go out about my victory last night,” Kamala told Astrid.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“The election was clearly an endorsement of my leadership and popularity.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I may just announce my 2024 campaign.”

Behind her notepad, Astrid rolled her eyes so hard they made audible clicking noises, like the solenoid in a car with a dead battery.

—–

The first Clinton/Cheney 2024 bumpersticker vomited from the printer and curled up on the floor.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

274 Comments

  1. Count Potato

    “Clinton/Cheney 2024”

    GAAAAAAAHHH!!!!

    • Count Potato

      At least he wrote “bumbersticker” not sex tape.

      • Bobarian LMD

        That’s coming, don’t you worry none.

    • The Other Kevin

      Only the worst kind of misogynist sexist wouldn’t vote for an all-woman ticket.

      • EvilSheldon

        So, me then?

  2. waffles

    I fear we have only seen a tiny glimpse of Gisele’s power.

    • Shiny Nerfherder

      Just wait till she’s Senator Gisele.

      I give it six months.

  3. Shiny Nerfherder

    That just about sums it up.

  4. slumbrew

    Ugh. I’m skipping lunch now.

    • juris imprudent

      Kee-riiist, I’m not sure I’ll be able to eat dinner.

  5. Shiny Nerfherder

    My feelings about the election are captured by my feelings about my lunch.

    Burger and fries that cost $20 and they were out of lettuce and tomato.

    • Sean

      o.O

    • Fourscore

      Not out of lettuce/tomato but out of reach to be tossing them willy-nilly on any old burger. You want lettuce/tomato, add $5 more and a beef substitute

      • rhywun

        I’m definitely dialing down my consumption of eggs. The sticker shock at the grocery store is something else.

      • Lackadaisical

        ‘hurled with eggs’?

        How far did the king and queen(?) go? How did they hurl them?

      • DrOtto

        Scrambled?

      • Penguin

        queen(?)

        King’s consort, I believe.

      • Not Adahn

        Queen Consort, or “Queen” for short.

    • Lackadaisical

      Wat.

      They could at least reduce the price for you. If walk out. shit.

    • Rebel Scum

      Burger, fries, and a drink are about that (maybe more) at Five Guys.

    • Not Adahn

      There’s a dog-friendly restaurant near the Prospect trailhead in Lake Luzerne.

      Two entrees and one beer was $50.

  6. The Other Kevin

    I remember after one election long ago, maybe the Republicans won, where people asked what Rush Limbaugh would have to talk about. Turned out that wasn’t a problem. And so it is with our SugarFree, reality continues to give him a deep well of horrifying subjects.

  7. The Late P Brooks

    The first Clinton/Cheney 2024 bumbersticker vomited from the printer and curled up on the floor.

    Chelsea! Groomed, rested, and ready.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Groomed at a very early age.

  8. DEG

    The first Clinton/Cheney 2024 bumbersticker vomited from the printer and curled up on the floor.

    I like the typo.

    Clinton/Cheney – I can see that happening.

  9. Tonio

    “The horror, the horror…”

    • juris imprudent

      Like just one noodly appendage dangled before our eyes.

  10. The Late P Brooks

    You know what we need? Remakes are all the rage. We need a remake of this.

  11. Bobarian LMD

    Brown and black chunky pus sprayed into her mouth as she bit down.

    I actually gagged just a little.

    Impressive.

    • Lackadaisical

      Same. It’s so immersive and then he gets you with the really disgusting stuff.

    • R.J.

      The licking and Doritos taste got me first. Superb, Sugar Free! Bravo!

    • rhywun

      Why wouldn’t they? Clearly, America has decided that they want more of the same.

      I guess all those polls saying the opposite were wrong.

      • WTF

        Yup, and we’re all gonna get it, good and hard.
        But at least you’ll be able to kill your babies.

      • Urthona

        I do think abortion played a much bigger role than Republicans expected with almost 30% saying they were motivated to vote by it.

        And I think Republicans have the more moderate national position on abortion.

        So Republicans are getting clobbered on that messaging.

      • WTF

        Republicans are always going to get clobbered on messaging because 90+% of the media are Democrat propagandists.

      • Sensei

        You and I may be better able to absorb this given that we live in northern NJ…

      • Bobarian LMD

        The KY amendment was basically “Nothing should be construed from the Ky Constitution that guarantees a right to an abortion or for the State to pay for it.”

        The only messaging I heard on it for the last month was that it absolutely meant women couldn’t get an abortion for any reason.

      • rhywun

        Yeah, it doesn’t help that the MSM flat-out lie about actual GOP positions.

    • The Other Kevin

      He’s right. If crippling inflation and the possibility of war with Russia doesn’t do it, nothing will. He’s got free reign to do whatever the hell he pleases.

      • Rebel Scum

        +1 pen and phone.

    • Rebel Scum

      The outcome seemed to validate Biden framing the election as a battle for democracy and restoring abortion rights – a decision that was second-guessed even by fellow Democrats before Tuesday.

      It’s only democracy if Democrats win. It’s in the name.

  12. WTF

    I still can’t believe Pennsylvanians thought it was a good idea to send the Fetterlump thing to the senate. I mean, literally millions of people endorsed a drooling brain-damaged lump who never held a productive job in his life as their one of their sate’s two senate representatives. There truly is no hope for the country.

    • rhywun

      At least we’ll get six years of entertainment out of it.

      • Lackadaisical

        Emphasis on ‘at least’.

      • juris imprudent

        And a very low form of entertainment.

      • rhywun

        The best form.

      • Lackadaisical

        I prefer Q’s t&a links if I’m going to have to make a choice between the two…

      • DrOtto

        I can find Q’s stuff anywhere online. The above prose, that’s gold that can only be mined here.

    • Urthona

      And I still contend he is the perfect senator.

      • WTF

        Well, yeah, he’ll just be a semi-sentient rubber stamp for whatever the party wants.

      • Urthona

        Yup.

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        Biscuits n mustard for Lump?

      • Lackadaisical

        Yup, also I don’t think he’s as disabled as some here contend. As long as he can mumble ‘aye ‘ for whatever the party puts in front of him, he’s as qualified as any other swamp creature.

      • Zwak. who's suit is as ragged as his nerves.

        He’s very presidential.

      • The Other Kevin

        He is. At this point you can count on everyone except for Manchin and Sinema to go along with the party. So the choice was basically Oz vs. the Democratic Party.

    • robodruid

      May be more a reflection of Oz.

      • Lackadaisical

        Yup, Oz and Trump are icky. They had no choice but to vote for the lump. At least that’s the narrative in the heads of many voters.

      • juris imprudent

        I didn’t vote for Oz, not even to vote against Fetterman. I did not vote for anyone, even the LP candidate sucked balls (oh hell, sucking balls would’ve been an improvement, even if just his own).

      • Lackadaisical

        You’re a mad man. Supreme court justice Kamala incoming. Lol.

      • juris imprudent

        Yeah, I’d rather value my vote as something to be earned and not thrown at someone worthless. Crazy shit, huh?

      • Lackadaisical

        When the other side is a mad dog gunning to get you, vote for any dog catcher, even a shitty one over nothing.

        What was so bad about the LP candidate?

      • juris imprudent

        Other side?

        I’m not on either side, which implies one party or the other. I’d put the same bullet through the skull of a mad dog as I would a leftist shoving their shit in my face or a right-winger doing the same. No one’s on my side, so I’m not on theirs. And this is the sad, dead, end of individualism – that mobs of raging morons from any faction have the numerical advantage and ultimately they win whether by civil means or through coercion.

        As to what was wrong with the LP candidate – well the party for a start. He was quick to shout the most stupid libertarian platitudes at a time a more nuanced message might have gained some traction. This should’ve been a year where an attractive candidate got a serious chunk of the vote. But the LP isn’t serious about ever winning and governing, it’s all about preaching.

      • Lackadaisical

        ‘I’m not on either side,’

        My wording could have been better but I’m not on a side besides the side of liberty.

        ‘I’d put the same bullet through the skull of a mad dog as I would a leftist shoving their shit in my face or a right-winger doing the same.’

        Sure, but hopefully you can savor having to get to that point by, I dunno, voting for not the raging assholes trying to oppress everyone?

        ‘He was quick to shout the most stupid libertarian platitudes at a time a more nuanced message might have gained some traction.’

        That’s a hell of a standard.

        You won’t vote for someone who more or less agrees with you because they said platitudes and didn’t run a good campaign? I can get being disappointed, but what’s the point of not voting? The LP isn’t going to get any better by you withholding your vote until they get a perfect candidate.

      • juris imprudent

        for not the raging assholes trying to oppress everyone

        Oh you mean the party that wants to get to hell in the slow lane versus the one flying down the fast lane?

        Look I voted for Mastriano – not the candidate I would’ve preferred. But I did give him my vote for a reason – because of the Dem meddling in the primary. I would’ve loved to see that come back to rip a huge chunk out of their asses (speaking of mad dogs). I voted for the other Republicans in the down offices, only one of that I like at all. But they’re all essentially establishment GOP. Oz isn’t even that. They don’t represent my beliefs, views or hopes.

      • Sensei

        I’m with you juris – you shouldn’t have to settle. I’m very happy I didn’t have to make the same choice.

        I expected Oz to be another Snowe or Romney.

      • Lackadaisical

        ‘Oh you mean the party that wants to get to hell in the slow lane versus the one flying down the fast lane?’

        Personally I wouldn’t have described the LP that way, whatever other criticisms you may have.

      • Lackadaisical

        Personally, yes I would have voted for slow lane in your place, but I can understand not doing so. I just don’t see the rationale of not voting for slow lane, OR correct direction when given the chance.

      • juris imprudent

        Ah, LP as correct direction – that would be true if they really wanted to govern. They don’t. So if they don’t take themselves seriously, I have no reason to. I mean they don’t really intend to go anywhere, fast or slow.

      • Fatty Bolger

        They’re just biding their time until the libertarian moment comes. Any day now…

      • juris imprudent

        *slow claps for Fatty*

      • Sensei

        I’m glad I’m not a PA resident. I don’t think I could have voted for Oz.

      • Rat on a train

        Meh. Virginia elected a candidate that was in jail for sex with a minor.

      • Old Man With Candy

        To quote Joe E. Brown, “Nobody’s perfect.”

      • juris imprudent

        That’s a nice switch from just getting the votes of the dead.

    • Pope Jimbo

      A good reason to repeal the 17th Amendment.

      Let the backroom deal makers at the legislature get back to choosing who represents the state in the Senate.

      • Rebel Scum

        ^

      • Gustave Lytton

        Repeal it and nothing would change. The 17A was a trailing indicator not a leading one.

      • juris imprudent

        Yep. The pattern has been fixed. You’d never get people to agree to go back to the original concept. You’d have more luck adding more senators based on population.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Even then it was trailing. States were already moving to advisory or mandatory popular elections of senators.

        Same with voting for women. States were already extending the franchise to them.

  13. Not Adahn

    Would Astrid.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Would Astrid.

    Astrid unbound!

    • Lackadaisical

      Creosote Achilles hardest hit.

  15. Lackadaisical

    “them’s greasy skin tasted like flavor-blasted Doritos.”

    Actual lol.

    Nice work, SF.

  16. rhywun

    LOL the local propositions to establish racism as an official goal of government policy passed with titanic majorities. I can’t wait to see what they do with it!

    • Shiny Nerfherder

      Oh yay….

    • Lackadaisical

      That sucks. Past time to get out man.

      • Not Adahn

        Fortunately he can claim to be genderqueer to put himself out of the immediate line of fire.

      • rhywun

        It would be more convincing if lobot was still here so we could be genderqueer together.

      • Not Adahn

        Isn’t he WebDoms? Or do they have an open relationship?

      • rhywun

        Hasn’t been mentioned so I’m not making any speculations there.

        But that would throw a monkey wrench into the plan.

      • Not Adahn

        I’m sure WD would understand if he had some needs she just couldn’t satisfy…

  17. The Late P Brooks

    Heresy

    Speaking to CNBC’s Charlotte Reed on Tuesday, Renault Chief Financial Officer Thierry Pieton sought to explain some of the reasoning behind the planned partnership with Geely.

    “In our view, and according to all the studies that we’ve got, there is no scenario where ICE and hybrid engines represent less than 40% of the market with a horizon of 2040,” he said. “So it’s actually … a market that’s going to continue to grow.”

    ——-

    In comments sent to CNBC via email, David Leggett, an analyst at GlobalData, noted that automotive manufacturers could still enjoy profits from the sale of vehicles that used internal combustion engines.

    “Margins are generally higher than on electric vehicles, which are relatively costly to manufacture,” he said.

    “The gap will eventually narrow as EV volumes rise sharply and unit costs on major EV components fall significantly, but there is still much profitable business to be done on ICEs and hybrids and will be for some time to come,” he added.

    “Manufacturers need to be flexible in their powertrain offerings according to market needs — which differ across the world.”

    Profits are bad, children.

    *I have been served up ifopromos about next-gen “green(er)” liquid fuel research in both MotoGP and the World Rally Championship, recently. Not a lot of detail; the programs may or may not be interconnected.

    The idea that liquid fueled internal combustion engines are going to magically be disappeared is absurd. Toyota has also declined to jump on the idiot bandwagon.

  18. tarran

    Michael Malice was promoting Fetterman over Oz and I think his reasons were very good ones.

    Fetterman is a very vulnerable candidate. It’s likely he won’t last in the position. There will be an excellent chance for Republicans to run a good candidate against him.

    Oz, on the other hand, had all the markings of being a terrible Republican. He had promoted the Jussie Smollet hoax, for example. And, once in the senate, the Republicans would be stuck with Oz no matter how backstabby Oz got.

    Malice characterized this as being willing to absorb a tactical loss in order to acquire a better strategic position.

    Just food for thought from someone who had no dog in the fight.

    • Lackadaisical

      6 years is a long time.

      • Lackadaisical

        And as much as I like malice, he believes in accelerationism,iirc.

        Fetterlump won’t be voted out anyway, and if he has health issues, his wife will just take over, see also Mark Kelly.

    • Pope Jimbo

      That also assumes they won’t declare him incompetent and replace him with a candidate who can win in six years.

    • Urthona

      His strategy seems completely dumb.

      • Sean

        Agreed.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Malice likes the smell of his own farts.

    • Certified Public Asshat

      When Oz announced his candidacy, I thought “Oz is a Republican?”

      The man wins if he runs as a D.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    And a very low form of entertainment.

    Not everybody can appreciate the highbrow subtlety of monkey knife fights.

    • The Other Kevin

      “A Nigerian social media influencer”

      Damn I guess that email scam works after all.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Supreme court justice Kamala incoming. Lol.

    Haha, whatever it takes to dislodge her from the 2024 ticket, I guess.

    • kinnath

      Kamala can’t vote to break a tie to put herself into SCOTUS or to replace herself as VP.

      Assuming the Reps get 50 seats in the Senate, she is stuck as VP.

      • Lackadaisical

        Apparently they can.

        See the nominations of Jonathan kobes and the attorney general (?) If Massachusetts. Where we’re going we don’t need no Constitution.

      • kinnath

        SCOTUS means they have to go nuclear on the filibuster. Which requires Manchin and Sinema.

    • Rebel Scum

      That might be the deal.

      • juris imprudent

        That’s assuming she’d even want it. With K-B she’s not even the first woman of color on the SC. There’s no first for her there!

  21. Rebel Scum

    The first Clinton/Cheney 2024 bumpersticker vomited from the printer and curled up on the floor.

    No!

  22. Tundra

    Behind her notepad, Astrid rolled her eyes so hard they made audible clicking noises, like the solenoid in a car with a dead battery.

    Beautiful.

  23. kinnath

    Facebook parent company Meta will lay off 11,000 employees

    Facebook parent company Meta on Wednesday said it is laying off 11,000 employees, marking the most significant job cuts in the tech giant’s history.

    The job cuts come as Meta confronts a range of challenges to its core business and makes an uncertain and costly bet on pivoting to the metaverse. It also comes amid a spate of layoffs at other tech firms in recent months as the high-flying sector reacts to high inflation, rising interest rates and fears of a looming recession.

    • UnCivilServant

      Why do they even have that many? Their service offerings don’t require that many.

      • Nephilium

        Keep in mind that they’ve acquired quite a bit, including Oculus.

      • UnCivilServant

        Silly me I figured they’d already laid off the Oculus folks

      • Not Adahn

        Is there anyone at Facebook who has the technical background to operate a screwdriver?

      • UnCivilServant

        Counting the (presumably) outsourced janitorial staff?

      • slumbrew

        Like most big tech companies, there are a bunch of smart people on the technical side. Things like React, osquery & GraphQL came out of Facebook.

      • Not Adahn

        I’m not questioning how smart or good at their jobs they are, just pointing out that a software company probably doesn’t have a whole lot of overlap with a hardware one.

        This is one of the reasons I abhor whoever decided that “tech” was a synonym for software.

        Remember when apps were called applications? And before that when applications were called programs?

        *shakes 16k RAM cane with RS232 interface*

      • Gustave Lytton

        They operate their own data centers, so yes, there are people at Meta who can operate screwdrivers.

      • Bobarian LMD

        But probably none of the 11K targeted for release.

    • Mustang

      *Nelson Muntz laugh*

    • kinnath

      Last month, the company posted its second quarterly revenue decline and said that its profit was cut in half from the prior year. Once valued at more than $1 trillion last year, Meta’s market value has since plunged to around $250 billion.

      Bubble bursting perhaps.

      • Raven Nation

        Perhaps. Anecdotally, I know conservatives who dumped FB after the last few years. Might have an effect on advertising revenue?

    • slumbrew

      Good thing I was never seriously tempted by those FB recruiters.

      Money would have been good but I’m sure I’d be LIFO.

  24. Hyperion

    Well, Glibertopians, it appears we have decided to be moar poor for at least 2 more years and that we loves us some woke bullshit over prosperity. The Turtlehead regime has failed, again.

    Also, and I still like Trump, he still has some usage. But he needs to STFU about DeSantis, this ain’t your granpa’s 2016 election.

    The one good observation that someone made is that he deep blue shitholes are forever doomed to stay that way because all of the sane people fled to red states. I guess at least we can enjoy watching them wallow in their own misery. But until NY and CA have the pops of Wyoming, they will contribute to punish us all in national elections.

  25. Hyperion

    WTF is up with PA? They just elected a senator who cannot even hope to come up with something as articulate as Guam tipping over.

    • UnCivilServant

      They also elected a dead guy to the House of Representatives.

      • juris imprudent

        State, not federal.

      • UnCivilServant

        Are their state representatives not a house? I don’t know PA government.

      • juris imprudent

        Yes, but I was just clarifying that it was the State not a Federal Representative.

  26. Pope Jimbo

    Say what you want about PA voters, but they are consistent.

    A Pennsylvania state representative who died last month was reelected during the midterm elections, reports say.

    Democrat Anthony “Tony” DeLuca died Oct. 9 “after a brief battle with lymphoma, a disease he twice previously beat. He was 85,” the Pennsylvania House Democratic Caucus wrote.

    DeLuca was Pennsylvania’s longest-serving state rep, according to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

    “While we’re incredibly saddened by the loss of Representative Tony DeLuca, we are proud to see the voters to continue to show their confidence in him and his commitment to Democratic values by re-electing him posthumously. A special election will follow soon,” Pennsylvania House Democrats said in a tweet.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Nice link.

      Kinda meta, though.

    • kinnath

      Big city corruption has now taken control of the country. There is no happy ending here.

      • robodruid

        Very decent thinking here.

    • Hyperion

      One of the best election comments I have seen in a long time, came after the Brazil presidential election, from Twitter, was ‘How did they count all of those votes in a national election and declare a winner in like an hour?’. Well, you see, when Democrats do not need enough time to come up with all sorts of cheating tactics, that is what can happen. Now we have to apparently put up with taking days or weeks to count votes until democrats manage to just barely win.

  27. kinnath

    So, Nevada and Alaska go red, giving the Pubs 50 seats in the Senate. Arizona goes blue, giving the Dems 47 +2 “independents”. Georgia goes to a run of election. Just awesome.

    • hayeksplosives

      Georgia has a long history of high integrity election processes.

    • Nephilium

      Yeah. I would not want to be living in Georgia right now. The amount of screaming about MOST IMPORTANTIST ELECTIONS EVAR! will be insane.

    • Hyperion

      So we know where ground zero is for the democrat cheat team for the next while. Good thing Abram’s fat ass has plenty of free time.

  28. Hyperion

    Good gawd, that Fettersquatch and Brazil favela girl scene, LOL.

    What happens when we find out that Fettersquatch is really one of Steve’s cousins?

    • juris imprudent

      First he fucked Braddock, then entire state of PA…

      • WTF

        FETTERSQUATCH MAYOR OF POUND-TOWN!!!

  29. The Late P Brooks

    Facebook parent company Meta on Wednesday said it is laying off 11,000 employees, marking the most significant job cuts in the tech giant’s history.

    Sadly, this is rational and responsible business leadership. Not vindictive pointless cruelty like that rat Musk firing the noble civic watchdogs of Twatter.

    • juris imprudent

      I expect customer satisfaction will suffer greatly.

    • kinnath

      Better this old man that a younger Democrat in his seat.

      • Spartacus

        If he would retire gracefully the Rs could put up their own younger candidate.

      • Sensei

        Politicians refusing to gracefully retire is one thing that is truly bipartisan.

      • Drake

        Last night the news called the race for some chair-warming dinosaur (Grassley maybe). My wife laughed when I said “holy crap, he’s still alive?”

      • kinnath

        I think this is his last term. I expect there to be a new candidate running during the 2028 presidential election.

        Better hope that it is a good Republican candidate with long coat tails. Otherwise, Iowa will put in a Tom Harkin clone for 40 years.

  30. Hyperion

    From this point on as soon as I see headlines from FauxNoos like ‘Philly changes voting rules at last minute’ and ‘Maricopa County voting machines not working’, I’m just calling it a night.

    • Drake

      Why wait? Any one of us could have predicted that a week ago. There are thousands of counties in the U.S. and we knew exactly which ones would pull shenanigans on election night then kept counting until the right people won.

  31. Hyperion

    The democrats are going to be working overtime before the next election. They still have not got it down to a fine art enough to make Beto or Stacey Abrams win an election. Once they get that done, it’s all over for good.

    • Tundra

      Go look at Florida. The Rs flipped Miami/Dade.

      It’s not over, but it does take time and state/local pushback. I notice that almost no one is exploring local races. What happened with school boards and city councils?

      I get the doom, but so what? Not everyone can or will move to Florida. Better figure out a way to carve out our own spaces.

      • Sean

        What happened with school boards and city councils?

        My ballot had none of that.

      • Hyperion

        Maybe the other states need to import more Cubans.

      • Lackadaisical

        The Cubans are ours, you can’t have them.

      • Nephilium

        Can I at least have their sandwiches?

      • Sensei

        That’s a pickle of a problem.

      • Sensei

        Also, I believe, a Cuban American invention in FL.

      • juris imprudent

        You wouldn’t get that generous serving of pork in Cuba unless you were a high level govt functionary.

      • Michael Malaise

        Look at you, hamming it up.

      • Hyperion

        I think their tobacco growing skills are better suited for WV than FL. And the chics, well, I can make up some stuff.

      • rhywun

        This. The Dems have lost Staten Island but the GOP is not flipping the other four boroughs of NYC with the population we currently have.

      • Michael Malaise

        Florida cleaned up their voting systems as well. No Maricopa County bullshit two elections running.

  32. Gustave Lytton

    Come January, at least stroke victims in the Senate. The real crime is Lump’s forearm tatts. WTF is wrong with voters? Those alone should disqualify him from anything other than shoveling shit off of sidewalks.

    Visible tatts = mental illness

    • juris imprudent

      No one questions his bullshit about Braddock either. The guy is every bit the phoney that Oz is.

      • Hyperion

        Difference being, the difference that matters, is that Oz wouldn’t vote with Biden 100% of the time.

      • R.J.

        Heh. Lump won’t either. He will keep hitting the wrong button.

      • Hyperion

        It will be like a real life SF skit, they’ll have a trained team of zombies to push the button for Yonny.

      • R.J.

        BUTTON SLIPPY! PEE PEE MISS!

      • Hyperion

        Miss? Only non-binary zombies!

      • juris imprudent

        Oz would only vote with Biden 20 or 30% of the time?

      • Bobarian LMD

        But only on the very worst proposals.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        A town of 1,700.

      • Michael Malaise

        He’s almost as qualified at Buttigieg!

      • Michael Malaise

        Braddock is a total shithole but to be fair it was an almost total shithole before Fetterman was mayor.

    • Gustave Lytton

      *At least two stroke victims.

      • juris imprudent

        Now if they can double that we can get some real efficiency.

  33. Drake

    Did everyone think we were really voting our way out of this? Some gridlock will buy time, that’s as good as it gets.

    • R.J.

      Agreed with you. To gridlock!
      *raises glass

      • Hyperion

        Worst fucking thing of all is watching Fox News goons sit around acting like this is all normal in a good way. I hate myself for letting myself watch 2 minutes of that shit, will never happen again.

    • LJW

      I think a narrow takeover will give a good chance to extend the gridlock another few years in 2024. Assuming the upcoming recession can be blamed on the Dems mostly.

      • juris imprudent

        As I was saying about the myth of the rightful ruler.

  34. Rat on a train

    Skittles are safe for human consumption again.

    Thames, of San Leandro, California, said he had bought Skittles in April at a local QuikStop, and would not have done so had he known their contents.

    It’s included in the ingredients.

    • Ted S.

      Fentanyl?

      Taste the rainbow.

      • Mojeaux

        No, fentanyl looks like Lucky Charms marshmallows. 10/10 would eat without checking

      • Not Adahn

        I saw a video on youtube that claimed that Lucky Charms was invented by a guy who used to chop up circus peanuts and put them on his Cheerios.

  35. Grummun

    like the solenoid in a car with a dead battery.

    Legit LOL

  36. hayeksplosives

    “ the whole flesh potato shivered“

    Lovely even out of context.

  37. Grummun

    Because I’m too lazy to do the work myself: can anyone point me to a summary of how “Trump candidates” (particularly those that were supported by Ds in the primary as defeatable in the general) did last night?

    • Lackadaisical

      I think they all lost, at least many notable ones did… /Low effort attempt

    • Hyperion

      Wasn’t Vance endorsed by Trump?

      • Nephilium

        He was.

      • Hyperion

        Look of the new congress: One lumpy Sasquatch and a fake Hillbilly.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Obama rode his book of fairy tales all the way to the presidency, can Vance do the same some day?

      • rhywun

        Not without the same massive assist from every captured institution in America that The One got.

    • Urthona

      They won 9 and lost 8.

      The ones that won were nothing special.

      • Urthona

        There might’ve been more since that was reported this morning,

        All the big races though that Republicans needed to change things were lost.

    • juris imprudent

      I don’t have the specifics but I would say mixed to poor.

      Donnie’s gonna have that stink on him for a while.

      • Drake

        Not close to the level of stench stuck to him by the J6 protestors sent to the gulag. He didn’t lift a finger for them during or after his Presidency. Asshole.

      • Drake

        Donnie – not you!

      • WTF

        Now Donnie’s going to attack Desantis and really fuck the GOP in the ass.

      • Drake

        I hope DeSantis rubs Trump’s face in all the messes he made.

      • juris imprudent

        Trump may actually end up making the establishment GOP look good.

  38. Fatty Bolger

    The first Clinton/Cheney 2024 bumpersticker vomited from the printer and curled up on the floor.

    Back to writing horror, I see.

    • Hyperion

      When we think we avoided our worst possible nightmare, it gets worse. Case in point: No Hillary, instead we get Biden. So instead of Clinton/Cheney, we get Graham/Harris. *shudder*

      • Urthona

        Red wave in 2024?

  39. The Late P Brooks

    Nothing to see here

    With inflation cutting into the budgets of Americans, a growing percentage of people with auto loans are struggling to make their monthly payments.

    TransUnion, which tracks more than 81 million auto loans in the U.S., said Tuesday the percentage of loans that are at least 60 days delinquent hit 1.65% in the third quarter, the highest rate for 60-day delinquencies in more than a decade

    ——-

    In September, the average transaction price for a new vehicle was $47,138, up almost $2,600 compared with the year-earlier period, according to the auto research firm Edmunds. The average price paid for a used vehicle was $30,566, a jump of almost $2,500 from September 2021.

    The rise in delinquencies also follows the end of loan-accommodation programs set up during the pandemic. Those programs were designed to help consumers who may have lost their job to avoid having a car repossessed because they couldn’t make the monthly payment.

    “There has been this effect where the delinquency that may have occurred over the last few years is really just pushed out or delayed because that consumer didn’t have to make payments or their status was on an accommodation. So now some of those are hitting,” Merchant said.

    Needz moar jubilee!

    • Urthona

      Things haven’t really started to fully and completely collapse yet.

      Red wave in 2024!!

    • The Other Kevin

      Fortunately we had a lot of Dems win, and they can fix all the problems caused by whoever was in charge before.

      • Urthona

        One thing America really needs going forward is some sort of analysis of January 6th 2021.

        Let’s get on that.

  40. PutridMeat

    I usually look forward to Wednesdays and the tales of Joemala and the associated universe. A bit of humor, a bit of horror. Today… I don’t know, it’s more somber and black pilled. Maybe a concrete reminder that this is closer to reality than I’d like to admit and unfortunately, a large segment of the population actually WANTS that reality. I did like the brown pus though. Not a euphemism.

    • Urthona

      Liberty is extremely somewhat averagely popular.

      • Rat on a train

        Freedom from consequence is popular.

      • Urthona

        Fuck yeah it is.

        *chugs beer*

    • juris imprudent

      So Paul whipped a black man?

      • Tundra

        He’s his father’s son.

      • R.J.

        Someone will throw a Zima at him soon.

  41. DrOtto

    As I leave the burger place I was lucky enough to find the time to read this, I hear a young man order “no mustard, mayo instead”. We truly are fucked as a society.

  42. The Late P Brooks

    I did like the brown pus though. Not a euphemism.

    Name checks out.

  43. hayeksplosives

    They still haven’t called the Nevada US Senate race. I voted for Laxalt, who’s the son of another politician (I Hate dynasties).

    The guy I voted for in the primary is Captain Sam Brown. If he’d managed to win the GOP primary, he’d have easily won the state. I hope he doesn’t give up politics.

    I re-read his story again this morning.
    https://captainsambrowngratitude.com/

    • juris imprudent

      Our mission was rooted in nation-building.

      I hope he learned what Crenshaw hasn’t.

      • hayeksplosives

        Yeah, that line in particular hurt, because so many of our countrymen sacrificed so much for such a mealy-mouthed, undefined, unachievable goal that it’s almost overwhelming to contemplate.

    • hayeksplosives

      OMG those are awesome.

    • juris imprudent

      I remember my dad being fond of the description of the Republican party’s ability to swipe defeat from the jaws of victory.

    • WTF

      That’s not even parody. It’s just the sad truth.

    • PutridMeat

      I’m a bit perturbed at seeing this repeated “republicans ran bad candidates” (not that that’s what the Bee is doing, but a general complaint I’ve seen here). Sounds like post loss rationalization. Oz, sure bad from all perspectives if, damning with faint praise, better than chunky black pus squirting on you. But I don’t think you’re going to get much better from the R’s from a libertarian perspective than e.g. Masters in AZ – at least based on the Dave Smith interview and what other stuff I’ve seen of him. Or Kari Lake for that matter – a bit of hyperventilating on the border and cartels etc, but overall a good candidate. They didn’t lose because the were bad candidates except in the sense they are bad candidates from the perspective of an electorate that, frankly, off the rails after decades of indoctrination – a ‘good’ candidate in that environment is not a “Good” candidate. As I said earlier, we ain’t voting our way out of this – best we can hope for is a marginally peaceful collapse of empire. A lot of authoritarian and totalitarian governments came to power with the consent of the governed. They didn’t lead their people astray, they linked arms, supported each other and walked merrily astray together.

      • juris imprudent

        Oh what I consider a “good” candidate would not appeal to 90% of Americans. How Massie got elected is a mystery even if his re-elections aren’t.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        It’s a good point. There is no candidate I would support that the MSM would consider “reasonable” or “moderate”. I get how nominating such candidates benefits the eGOP, but how would libertarians benefit from reasonable candidates in the mold of Romney, McCain, Cheney, etc?

      • juris imprudent

        LP recycling of Republican rejects comes to mind – they were all reasonable!

      • hayeksplosives

        Semi Spartan!!

        Thanks so much for the tip on the $250 griddle sale. My husband had just been thinking he wanted one about a week earlier. I forwarded you the link and he went right down to Tractor Supply.

        An employee told him that the sale for $275 had expired 3 months ago, but my husband asked the guy to scan it anyway. Sure enough, $250, as you’d shared. He bought the griddle/flattop.

      • wdalasio

        National politics is only going to get worse. We have an electorate that wants the results of good policies while virtue-signaling their support of lousy policies. They’re able to convince themselves and their friends that they’re enlightened and sophisticated by parroting all of the idiocies of the Cathedral and believe that they can be insulated from all of the consequences of the Cathedral’s godawful policies. And, truth be told, they mostly can. For a time. But, time is running out.

        I’m out in the country (although I do have to go into Charlotte every week for work for a few days). So, hopefully, I can buy myself a little more time than the rest of the electorate. But, I think we’re not that far off from the point where people start really feeling the pain of their virtue signaling.

  44. Sensei

    This is the automotive and quality assurance that you get with paying independent journalists for Jalopnik.

    What Happened When I Mistakenly Filled a Diesel Cadillac Escalade With Gasoline

    At our first pitstop near Hagerstown, Maryland, I jumped out of the 2023 Cadillac Escalade I was reviewing, dipped my credit card in the pump, and filled the tank — two-thirds depleted after about 350 miles of highway driving — with premium unleaded.

    This was picked up by other outlets and I really hesitated before clicking on it. It was every bit as asinine as I expected.

    • DEG

      Better or worse than Robby?

      • SugarFree

        It doesn’t say they filled the Cadillac with hair gel.

      • Nephilium

        Does it say if he could change a tire?

      • Sensei

        Probably worse. Dude has zero automotive experience.

        BRETT BERK is a freelance writer. His non-fiction has appeared in AFAR, Architectural Digest, The Arrow, Autoblog, Automobile, Autoweek, BBC.com, Billboard, Black Ink, Bloomberg Businessweek, Bloomberg Pursuits, Car and Driver, Celebrated Living, Centurion, CNN.com, Departures, DETAILS, The Drive, ELLE Decor, Entrepreneur, Esquire, Forbes, GQ, The Globe & Mail, Hagerty, The Hollywood Reporter, The Huffington Post, Jalopnik, Le Car, The Los Angeles Times, Master Class, Maxim, Men’s Fitness, Men’s Health, Men’s Journal, The New York Times, Outside, Popular Mechanics, Road & Track, ShowBoats International, Travel + Leisure, Vanity Fair, The Verge, Vogue, WIRED, and Yahoo! He is the co-author of the automotive books Never Stop Driving, and Corvette Stingray: The Mid-Engine Revolution.

      • juris imprudent

        As it turns out, the Escalade I was borrowing for a week-long vacation with my boyfriend’s family

        Thankfully he didn’t break a nail.

      • Tundra

        Way worse.

        What a dipshit.

    • R.J.

      All the good ones split and went to Autopian. I will never give Jalopnik another click.

      • Sensei

        I look at it as doing reconnaissance on what dopey stuff MSM is going to be sending our way.

      • Tundra

        I gave up on most of them. TTAC, too. I’ll still hit EP Autos on occasion.

      • R.J.

        I can’t even read Car and Driver or Road and Track without getting a facefull of “look at the great $90,000 electric car! The revolution os happening!! Gas is evil! No worries! Everything is awesome!”

      • Tundra

        Well, they’ve been at the mercy of the manufacturers forever.

        I still like TTAC for losing Subaru for describing the grill on one of the vehicles as a “floating vagina.”

    • Timeloose

      I think the author was a complete idiot, but so was whom ever lent the vehicle to him. If he was reviewing the vehicle and didn’t read up on it first he is 100% to blame. Either way he was a moron that should be reviewing ways to eliminate his genes form the gene pool.

      I drove cross country in a diesel Ford Tempo in the early 90’s. I was the co-driver of my classmate’s car. At every fill up someone would yell, “Hey dipshit that’s diesel!!!”

      At some point we began leaning into it and commenting with “I know, but we get better mileage this way, it does tend to smoke a lot however….”

      • juris imprudent

        If you catch the line I posted, I don’t think you have to worry about the gene pool.

      • Timeloose

        Looks like nature found a way for this shit bird.

        But. if they get a surrogate and egg donor I hope his boyfriend isn’t the pretty one.

    • Rat on a train

      Yukon stoves can run on a range of fuels but normally use mogas for ease of use and relative clean burning. The fuel was fed from outside the tent for safety reasons. The fuel cans require periodic changing. A soldier went out in the dark to change cans. A while later we noticed a change in sound and excessive soot in the stove. When selecting a can he used his flashlight with the red lens still on. Diesel cans have a yellow top while mogas have red. He didn’t bother to look for the D or M.

    • Michael Malaise

      I don’t know how someone ‘mistakenly’ uses diesel. It’s on the other side of the pump and a different color handle 95% of the time.

      • Sensei

        It’s the other way around. Drove the car needed “fuel” and didn’t realize it was diesel and filled it with gasoline.

        Given the nozzle sizes that IS possible to do.

      • Michael Malaise

        Oh wow, I am dumb. Thanks.

    • rhywun

      Gawker, dude. I would expect nothing less ridiculous.

  45. Michael Malaise

    I would probably vote for The Joker if he’s anywhere on the ballot in 2024. (Take your pick of Arthur Fleck, Jack Napier, or any of the other names he’s gone by)

    • juris imprudent

      Ledger really had the best lines.

      • Lackadaisical

        And he’s dead, so if he ran as a Democrat he would probably win.

    • Not Adahn

      The Jerome Valeska variant in Gotham was interesting.

    • Tundra

      The Arthur Fleck variant was shockingly good.

    • Rat on a train

      I believe Joker 2 is scheduled for October 2024.

  46. Michael Malaise

    The nationalization of local races is a stupid thing too. Why should I really give a shit who the governor of Arizona is if I don’t live there? I got nothing but Fetterthing posts in my Twitter feed and I don’t live in Pennsylvania.

    • kinnath

      I didn’t care about corruption in Chicago politics for most of my life.

      Then Obama took it national.

      Now it affects my life.

      • Michael Malaise

        See also, Kennedy/Nixon, 1960.

    • Rebel Scum

      I don’t think you should be able to donate to candidates in states or districts in which you do not reside.

      • Michael Malaise

        Good luck getting our parliament of whores to pass that.

    • rhywun

      Senators are different from governors when it comes to control of the senate. So yeah, there is a very good chance all of us need to be very concerned about Lump winning.