“I am a worm. I am a scab. I am scum,” Adam said, pressing down on his tiny erection with the heel of his hand.
“Did I say you could speak?” Liz asked, the ice in her voice cracking. She kicked him over on his stomach and ground her heel into the back of his outstretched hand.
“Lick it,” she ordered. Adam’s vile tongue came sticky moist from his mouth slit and worked its way between the sole of her boot and his psoriatic hand.
“I walked here through the dog park,” she whispered and he shuddered.
“Show me,” Liz said. “Show me.” She ground her boot on his tongue.
Reaching back, his sweat skinny arms shaking, and pulled down his filthy underwear to reveal a bejeweled stem of a butt plug. She stepped away from his tongue and kicked it until the cut gem disappeared.
“Step on my balls!” Adam gasped.
“No,” she said
“Please!”
“Never say that word to me,” Liz growled. She closed one nostril and blew a snot rocket onto his back.
“Dog,” Adam gasped. “Dog.”
“I don’t think you’ve earned that.” Liz said, touching her stiff dome of hair. “Roll over.”
On his back, his stubby penis poked into the cold air of his favorite cell. Liz stepped on it and twisted, grinding it like a cigarette butt.
“Red rocket,” he moaned.
“I should piss in your eyes,” Liz growled. Adam bit the wound she had made in his hand to keep from begging.
Liz ripped away the vinyl panel in her black outfit that restrained her gunt and it burst forth like biscuit dough.
Adam groaned. Liz paused from fluffing out her tangled thatch of pubic hair and kicked him in his central venous catheter.
“Make a mouth noise again and I’ll piss in that,” she said. His wild eyes darted back and forth. He farted around the butt plug, high and fluting.
“Now I’m not going to piss on you at all,” she said to his pleading face. “And I had asparagus for lunch.” Adam began to weep, his hideous smooth face scrunching.
“You sicken me,” Liz said. “But you were useful on the Committee.”
She whistled and the mutt trotted over. His fur was covered in mange and his ribs could be counted one two three.
“Sit!” she ordered. She parted her pendulous labia, splaying them like a meat butterfly and sprayed a hissing stream of dark urine on the dog as it settled on Adam’s face. The dog whined as Adam began to lap hungrily at his chapped asshole.
You have outdone yourself sir. Standing applause!
w00t!
Fuck, I can’t stop laughing!
They was definitely my favorite part.
I don’t approve of cruelty to dogs.
Someone said, “SugarFree, your stuff is too tame.” And he took it to heart.
Family friendly rating eh? For the Aristrocrats?
“Someone” meaning “you?”
This. I think he was just fucking with us leading up to this.
Yeah, he has surpassed himself.
I take back everything nice I’ve ever said about him.
I really don’t plan that far in advance. Or plan at all.
How bad can it be?
*hits play*
On the main page i thought it would be Kinzinger only to see bug eyes above
Hell no
burst forth like biscuit dough.
GAHHHHH
The “ripped” makes me think “velcro sound effect,” but the Pilsbury can imagery makes me think “pop!”
Yeasty yes, but not fresh.
AAIIEEEEE!
Hot, but also moist, although hopefully not flaky.
I so ain’t fucking clicking on that, just to be safe.
It would be rude not to eat her pie.
I know what it is without clicking. It’s safe. The soothing baritone of H. Jon Benjamin.
With the same slimy surface as the dough.
Ew.
I especially like how this was written to avoid setting off Google Alerts and the resulting Cease and Desist letters.
Those faces are 1.1x as disturbing as the text.
high and fluting
Magical, just magical.
That description made me laugh out loud (then look around at work hoping nobody would ask what’s funny).
“Oh, nothing. Just Adam Kinzinger flute-farting around a buttplug.”
Oops. Make that Schiff, I guess. Works either way, tho.
What more is there to say?
oh, *very* good.
The Liz Cheney photo with the cheek plumping or whatever that is actually looks a little better than real life. Schiff too, the eyes don’t look as crazy.
Yes, needz MOAR bug eyes.
I think he photo-shopped the two people into each other – which is almost as horrifying a visage as an Eldritch terror.
Poor doggie.
“I walked here through the dog park,” she whispered
!
Good.
God.
Just the thing to get me motivated for my promotion interview today.
Knock ’em dead.
You can do this.
Best of luck!
Kick ass brother!
Best wishes!
“And I had asparagus for lunch”
This line killed me.
Heh.
+1 Stinky Asparagus Piss
That and “I walked here through the dog park”.
I suspected SF had been building up to something like this. Merry Christmas to us!
I just had an idea – how about A Christmas Carol, with Biden as Scrooge. But the ghosts get frustrated and quit because he keeps forgetting things and then making shit up.
“Scrooge, remember when you rejected your fist love?”
“Come on man, I married the hottest girl in school! Twice!”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Spirit, I should take you out back and beat you like Corn Pop.”
“That didn’t happen either.”
“It was back when I graduated from an all-black college. First white kid to do that, I was the valedictorian. Then I interned with Martin Luther King.”
“Sigh.”
Nice. Write it up!
I agree with Tundra. This needs to be written. I’m cracking up right now imagining it in my head.
Or Maybe CPRM could do it as a kind of Hat n Hear Christmas Special – with the Hat somehow managing to get himself shipped to Delaware as a present from Trump to spy on Joe… a kind of MAGA Trojan Hat?
WE NEED THIS
I still have a hockey article hanging out there unfinished, so there’s no way I’d have this done in time. But feel free to run with it, if the mood so strikes any of you.
“Scrooge, remember when you rejected your fist love?”
Typo or not a typo?
I leave that to the reader to decide.
You see, a fist’s love is very different from that of a square.
“They are Man’s,” said the Spirit, looking down upon them. “And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased
Listen Fat. I love children. I care about those who are in want and ignorance. I wouldn’t have made so many of them in the past if I didn’t . Now, let me sniff their greasy matted hair.
I thought “interned with Martin Luther.” would have been funnier.
Poor Lizzy, why cum nobody luvs her?
This sounds like something Schiff would have done at Ed Buck’s house.
LOL, the real SF has finally emerged! I was getting worried that he was taking the family friendly thing seriously, but he is back in glorious lunch ruining fashion!
“…And it’s called… the Aristocrats!”
Wow, SF. I don’t think I could bring myself to put those same words anywhere near each other on a page, much less in their current proximity and arrangement.
Egads, man. I can only stare in disbelief, horror… and eventually, amazement.
…And yet, I still can’t stop laughing.
OH MY FUCKING GOD
I kept wavering between horror, revulsion, and uncontrolled laughter.
Leave it to SugarFree to uncork this gem for Christmas.
BRA-VO!
Whoa.
There were no horses involved in the production of this piece.
Wait ’till part two.
A veritable avalanche of visceral horror. Would pukelaugh again.
The more feint of heart Glibs have run from the room in horror and are downing an entire bottle of blain bleach to help pretend they never even saw this.
So you’re the one who ordered the palette. Don’t leave it in the hallway, get it stowed before you start using.
I read that as Pate. Was I wrong?
Should I not have done that?
Pate of Brain Bleach?
Liz Cheney as a dominatrix? I don’t know.
Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it?
This is by design.
They’re extorting the American people with a $1.7 trillion spending bill, giving their representatives no time to read, debate, or amend the bill. This is wrong.
Someone is reading it, I see Hunter’s crack dealer is already in DC looking for his cut.
I assume it fully funds the FBI.
Only haters hate funding our absolute necessities
These haters hate us all. If this doesn’t pass, we will all die!
Does it fund their new HQ?
Can we contract with Draeger to install their ventilation system?
Reason weighs in.
I do like ReaCNN, though.
GTFO.
Better meaning moving more pork efficiently. Though team red can’t keep its snout from the trough either.
Kerri Lake trial today.
https://youtu.be/PqgZN9_thhQ
Live feed
https://www.superiorcourt.maricopa.gov/calendar/today/
Election Denier!
She’ll get nothing. The charges which moved forward require proof of malicious intent. Which could be impossible to prove.
The law says nothing about intent. The Judge might decide to rule that way out of cowardice.
Viva & Barnes Live Commentary
What a show of stupidity.
WTF was I thinking, reading this during lunch?
“I’m not that bothered by SF these days”; sheer hubris.
Should send this to Senator Mike Lee
But, what if he likes it?
Would we be pornographers then?
Only if he faps to it.
Until blood comes out.
More fun with numbers
Medium- and heavy-duty trucks represent only about 4% of vehicles in the U.S., but due to their larger size and greater travel distances, the vehicles consume more than 25% of total highway fuel and comprise nearly 30% of highway carbon emissions, according to the Department of Energy.
The new rules from the Environmental Protection Agency are the first update to clean air standards for heavy-duty vehicles in more than 20 years. The standards by 2045 will result in a 48% reduction in nitrogen oxide, a 28% reduction in benzene, a 23% reduction in volatile organic compounds and an 18% reduction in carbon monoxide. All of these emissions can cause health problems for people.
The new rules will also help fight climate change, even though they aren’t likely to have any effect on carbon dioxide emissions. Nitrogen oxide is roughly 300 times as potent as carbon dioxide at warming the atmosphere and accounts for about 7% of all U.S. greenhouse gas emissions from human activity, according to the EPA.
The agency estimates the standards will result in up to 2,900 fewer premature deaths, 6,700 fewer hospital admissions and emergency department visits, 18,000 fewer cases of childhood asthma and $29 billion in annual net benefits by 2045.
Nothing but upside. What are we waiting for?
These people don’t really know where their food comes from, do they?
She closed one nostril and blew a snot rocket onto his back.
Well done.
We call that the “farmer’s handkerchief” in my holler.
+1 “farmer’s blow”
Britt Carmon, the federal clean vehicles advocate at the Natural Resources Defense Council, said the new EPA standards fall short and the agency missed a critical opportunity to accelerate the shift to the cleanest vehicles.
“EPA now needs to move quickly to put in place the next round of standards that will accelerate the transition to zero-emitting trucks so that we can all be free from the tailpipe pollution that is harming our health and accelerating climate change,” Carmon said in a statement.
Bring back oxcarts.
Tailpipe emissions means something drastically different with oxen.
Animal methane is a dangerous greenhouse gas. Hand carts are the future.
You do need hand carts to bring out your dead.
What was the methane level in 1750, when sixty million bison roamed the Great Plains?
That’s different
Beefy?
That’s different. The peaceful, in touch with nature Native Americans purified the methane from the buffalo with their sacred ways.
Sacred bag had sacred buffalo chips to smoke in the sacred pipe.
And just in time for Christmas
I’m probably going to Hell now.
No worries. I’ll save you a seat at the bar.
I’m not even sure what that means.
A long-term IV into a large vein, in the arm or chest for high-volume of drugs, such as chemotherapy.
Ah, not a euphemism.
I was confused. I still am a little bit, but it’s a shocked and horrified kind of confused.
The battle for the Firstline still rages. There have been many casualties, but the mutilated anti-Bro fights on seemingly gaining in strength. I have hesitated up till this moment to do it, but it may be time to throw the child Bro’s into the fight. I did not want to be associated with using child soldiers, even if they are just versions of myself.
They will rest in Firsthalla for a worthy cause.
Meanwhile, at TOS:
https://twitter.com/reason/status/1605319147390636033
That’s just fucking sad.
Yes. Remote work. On another job. Because they’ve disbanded.
Then again, if they set the bar low they won’t be as disappointed when they don’t get that either.
That’s a good option. I was thinking remote, like at the bottom of the Mariana Trench.
Thank you for going there, so I don’t have to. Bu bye, TOS!
At least the comments dragged them over the coals.
They were able to take time out from bashing DeSantis 24/7? Amazing.
Remember folks..
In no way shape or form is or has the Biden Administration or any of the executive offices ever collude or pressure social media to act on its behalf.
https://www.zerohedge.com/political/vp-harris-demands-social-media-companies-cooperate-and-work-us-protecting-our-democracy
What a maroon.
I don’t think these maroons know what the term democracy means, unless it’s whatever you want it to mean at any given moment.
Look, private companies working with the government is how they fight fascism!
*slow claps*
Too bad SF couldn’t work some current events into the story. Schiff seems the type.
“Worst case of shell shock I’ve ever encountered.” — some French doc, probably.
/Glances at mourning lynx
Shit… I guess shells aren’t the only thing emerging from asses these days
Hey! A giant fish tank exploded!
The Germans probably banned whatever thing it is that holds fish tanks together.
If only I could link back to where three of us posted the same link in a thirty minute time span… It was epic lack of attention span.
SF, well done!!! No computer wrote that; you need a vestigial lizard brain, a chimpanzee libido, and the instincts of a wolf.
WTF? I’ve mostly been too busy to keep up for a few weeks. Why, oh why, did I get a respite today? *retches uncontrollably*
https://gizmodo.com/fossil-mammal-eaten-by-dinosaur-1849918741
That was right before the mammals called down the meteor known as Chicxulub.
I thought your mask and the shots that clot were supposed to protect you?
Don’t send Grandma to the ICU this Christmas
TW – where else but CNN
LOL. There’s gonna trot this out every winter until the end of time, aren’t they.
It started with one person releasing a long, productive unmasked cough into the stale, recycled air on the rush hour train.
It was a dark and stormy night.
Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
J. Alfred Prufrock. A fitting reference.
I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
One of the advantages to a basically now nonexistent classic RC high school education. Very much a mixed experience.
It started with one person flute farting around a buttplug…
The great Franco Harris just passed away. Probably out of fear that his immaculate reception was going to be overshadowed by this clusterfuck.
Wut, I should not have done that?
Why must you torture me so? I am attempting to forget that happened.
Mac Jones getting pushed to the ground like a little kid by his big brother is the best part of that. So funny.
Why, oh why, wasn’t there a camera on Belichick’s reaction?
Back in my youth, I remember asking my father why Frank O’Harris was a black man.
Innocent times.
There have been people who have claimed that Sione Takitaki is black Irish.
From video and the tats:
1. Marine
2, Yakuza
US Servicemember Allegedly Steals, Crashes New Honda Civic Type R in Japan
Listen Japan, you gotta learn that “free” defense isn’t completely free. At least this was property crime and not violent crime.
Just realized that my former business partner/controller/sister hadn’t reconciled the payroll account in the accounting system going back all the way to #*&^^%&^!! 2017.
Unreal.
Sorry, Scruff.
😳
Oof.
I no longer care about who’s winning the war in Ukraine.
Because it’s clear who is losing.
JDAMs? Can we just come out and say it’s a proxy war?
The idiots are gonna have their war one way or another. And since they have no fucking clue where all the shit is going, there’s a good chance our dudes will be killed by our own weapons.
It’s us, right?
*clicks*
Yup.
https://twitter.com/LeftismForU/status/1605433032701345792?cxt=HHwWgIC8jcu10scsAAAA
o.O
What a creep.
No gunz for you!
This is fine.