“HAPPY 2023!” Hunter yelled as he jumped from behind the Oval Office couch. Joe staggered backwards, clutching his chest. Finnegan caught him and lowered him to the floor.
“Jesus Fucking Christ!” Finnegan yelped as Joe fell back on her, gurgling and shaking.
“It’s a new year, Daddy!” Hunter continued, stepping over his father and daughter and settling himself behind the Resolute desk.
“Hit the medical alert!” Finnegan said as she struggled to free herself from Joe’s limp body.
“He’s fine,” Hunter said. “He has these episodes once or twice a week.”
“He is not fine! Call the medical team!”
“You’re so dramatic,” Hunter said. He pulled a vape pen out of his jock strap and took a deep pull off of it.
“You cannot vape nicotine in here,” Finnegan said, finally rolling Joe off her legs.
“Nurp,” Hunter squeaked as he held his breath.
“WEED?!? You’re vaping weed in the Oval Office?”
“Nurp,” he squeaked again. And finally coughing, he exhaled a sweet plastic cloud of crack cocaine.
Finnegan slapped one of the dozens of medical alert buttons in the Oval Office and screeched, “CRACK?” and then, “CRACK?” again.
Hunter blinked slowly and fell over sideways out of Joe’s heavily-Scotchgarded office chair.
Finnegan pulled out of a chunk of her own hair in frustration and stomped over to where he lay.
“Why can’t you just be a normal dad?” she asked him.
“Normal is boring,” he said, his eyes still closed. “Do you want to hit this motherfucker?” he asked, holding the vape up to her.
“A crack vape? Really?”
His eyes opened, red and glazed. “I invented it myself, with all the money from the art I sold to Ukraine.”
“Fuck,” Finnegan said.
“Those pants give you cameltoe,” Hunter said, closing his eyes. “I really wouldn’t wear them to work anymore.”
“Would you, just, gah!”
The White House medical team burst into The Oval Office and went to work on Joe, hollering “STAT!” and “CLEAR!” at each other.
“Cameltoe just happens,” Hunter said. He pulled the front of his jock strap toward his chest and his testicles bulged out of each side, like meaty eyes scanning for danger.
“MOOSEKNUCKLE!” one of the EMTs screamed and she fainted dead away.
Poor little Finnegan.
I kinda almost end up sympathetic for Joe – poor old bastard.
No.
Never ever.
*pulls out water bottle, sprays JI in the face*
I just can’t help but think of this anytime I see the name Finnegan.
Finnegan will be coming over to our side. I can feel it.
“heavily-Scotchgarded office chair…”
Nice product placement!
It has a certain poetry to it.
And I can skip lunch!
Glibfit!
Oh go ahead, order the oysters!
Rocky Mountain Style!
“Cameltoe just happens,” Hunter said. He pulled the front of his jock strap toward his chest and his testicles bulged out of each side, like meaty eyes scanning for danger.
“MOOSEKNUCKLE!” one of the EMTs screamed and she fainted dead away.
Excellent.
That ending there had me laughing like a fucking retard. Awesome stuff.
MOAR!
I want moar!
scanning for danger
Danger. Carlos Danger.
Hunter’s new sidekick?
“On a very special episode of H&H…”
Lucky for Joe the Diet Coke button was replaced with a medic button.
I kinda almost end up sympathetic for Joe – poor old bastard.
Well, don’t.
If you start feeling sympathetic, just watch that speech he did with the Third Reich background and you’ll get over it.
There was a Star Trek episode where a tired old man act like hitler. A deep fake with Biden is due.
Just treat him like Captain Pike.
“You want a snack?”
“Beep”
The press secretary runs the remote to make the beep happen at the right time.
The White House medical team burst into The Oval Office and went to work on Joe, hollering “STAT!” and “CLEAR!” at each other.
Genuine LOL. Nice work, SF!
If Joe would have used a proper form tackle, he’d have never went down.
I’m thinking the paddles need to go one on each testicle.
Hunter pays extra for that kind of action.
Followed up by taint compressions?
Unce-unce-unce…
UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ CLEAR!!!
They will be like mortar boards on graduation day.
Is there any particular reason that you couldn’t vape crack? Inquiring minds, etc…
Off hand, I’d say that vapes are meant to handle fluids (like THC oil). This is so you can just have one puff at at time. You’d have to somehow get crack into a solution.
This is why Hunter needed the big bucks.
I wonder if a dry weed vaporizer would work?
I had assumed that it’s just a matter of getting the rock hot enough.
Isn’t that how crack actually works?
Apparently they have those.
Yeah, and hybrids for dry weed, wax and concentrates.
Market opportunity?
More like a free-base.
A Seven Percent Solution?
Like he has the gray matter of anyone at 221 B Baker St.
That said, he could be a coke addict.
Elementary.
Re: chairs,
I’m not a fan of the Aeron because it has a solid bar in front that gives me sciatica. As far as Herman Miller chairs go, I own a Setu:
https://www.hermanmiller.com/products/seating/side-chairs/setu-chair/
I did not think the mesh would hold up well, but they are the mid-tier conference room chairs here and get a lot of butt-time and are still here. My own at home is showing wear mostly on the arms.
Should be soluble in propylene glycol.
Pellets.
A whole gallon? I uh, I didn’t even knew it came
in liquid form!
Science!
What’s the appeal of crack for those who can afford cocaine?
Less sinus infections?
More high for the dollar and fewer nosebleeds.
Can’t say I’ve ever done it but I’ve seen people smoke it and they seemed to be having a hell of a time. Hits harder from what I understand.
This … shorter, more intense high, supposedly.
The keyboardist from my old band was a crack addict. He comes from a real high class family. And after he got sober, he worked his way into a mid 6 figure job in a few short years. Smart as could be, personable, classy until he starts telling stories of his past. Seriously looks like Mr. Rodgers, sweater and all.
Anyways, he has means via himself and his parents. He said if he ever relapsed, he’d do crack over coke any day. I don’t remember why he said that, I just remember that he did.
A dap pen would get hot enough to vaporize crack, combine that with a rock holder/storage and you’d have a crack vape.
I’m thinking the paddles need to go one on each testicle.
Paging Winston’s mom…
and don’t let him pay you in “artworks”.
Make sure and post it as a “consulting fee”.
Yay! I just had lunch!
Diving in…
The testicle line was choice.
Enjoyable! 10:10! Would read again!
Wacky screwball comedy!
Given the testicle line I think you might be nuts.
OT:
This is pretty funny.
We’ve been doing that for at least 20 years.
At this point, with no shred of fiscal restraint in Congress, the rest of the world has a duty to de-dollarize and set up an alternative reserve currency. This will, of course, be catastrophic for the US, but the failure of the dollar is now writ in stone.
I want to see SF as a Congresscritter and read all his works as filibuster material to every bill proposed.
Judge Nap talks Rep Biggs about the Speaker votes
https://youtu.be/3d3j3w_ggsQ
Is it worth watching? Or just another person whining about how the repubs need to stick together?
Do we have to click on it to find out? Will we be informed?
I think the record for a parliament not seating a government is 652 days set by Belgium. I’m not saying we can be that record but we can give it the old college try.
https://www.reuters.com/article/us-eu-summit-belgium/finally-a-government-after-652-days-new-belgian-pm-debuts-at-eu-summit-idUSKBN26M75Y
Who gives a shit? Seriously. With a razor thin majority, they aren’t going to do much but piss and moan for 2 years. They aren’t going to impeach anyone, they aren’t going after the Bidens, and they already gave away one of the 2 budget cycles they get to vote on. I don’t care if Massey was voted Speaker, it would make zero difference.
Two more years to stockpile necessities?
Malice agrees.
Trump is a douche.
He sure is. Being less of a douche in comparison to the competition doesn’t make someone appealing.
Oh, and I was right. Trump is already threatening to go third party.
I look forward to him running as a Democrat and watching the haters backtrack.
Yes! And that is certainly a possibility.
Reagan DemocratsTrump RepublicansIt’s a distinct possibility. It’ll be 1992 all over again.
Yeah, I just read that Scalise, in the #2 leadership slot might not be ‘acceptable’ either. I’m going to reiterate the petulant children remark. They aren’t going to get their cake. And Trump has really fucked up by proclaiming support for McCarthy – either these people cave or Trump ends up looking even more ineffective as a leader.
Just another petulant child
He didn’t change anything. Most likely he suffered horrible consequences. But whatever.
The biggest demand this clique appears to have is to have the single member challenge to the Speakership reinstated. Presumably so they can tie Congress up in knots with repeated challenges?
Is there something more substantive that I’m not hearing about?
No idea. I’ve been ignoring that circus. Not my monkeys.
Yeah, there doesn’t seem to be some great principle that they are standing upon, quite unlike all of those who protested in Tienanmen Square.
I’ve read some rumors about 1/6 being a sticking point. If so, I would call that substantive.
Speaking of circus
https://babylonbee.com/news/clowns-debate-who-will-be-elected-next-king-of-the-clowns
I really enjoy all the dunking on that shithead.
The want – changes in procedures to challenge earmarks, floor vote on the Texas border security bill, term limits, etc.
It was interesting to hear a sitting member of Congress call Republican leadership the “uniparty”.
“Why can’t all the Repubs just get their grifts in order and fall in line behind the guy who will make them all rich(er)?”
Andy Harris, one of the hold-outs is a complete asshole. That’s not a sterling recommendation for the company he is keeping.
Can you post more National Review links please? Thanks!
NR might actually not have issues with Harris.
Huh, most of the 415 non holdouts are complete assholes also.
Well it is Congress after all.
*Insert “Surrounded by Assholes” GIF here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=surb8FzjWfg
And yet you’re happy to hang out here with us and we’re pricks. Birds of a feather and all that but most congresscritters are twats, it’s almost a prerequisite.
Andy stands out as an asshole, on that side of the aisle. He’s the Republican version of Schiff.
I applaud the Discontents. Some of us have longed for a “None of the Above” on the ballot or at least said we did. Now we have it. They are representing their constituents while many or most want more of the same out of government. It matters not one whit whether it’s a D or R.
Some governments have a lot of different parties represented, they keep mushing along, for better or worse, they continue to screw the people the same as 2 parties. Nothing will change unless there is something to lose. McCarthy et al should realize that. What wrong with Donalds? I don’t know but I can rest assured taxes will go up and freedom will go down, regardless of who is the speaker.
Majority rule says “Screw the Losers”. That’s why we’re where we’re at.
Guess which option has more than 95% of the vote.
canes
They got rid of the metal detectors, so it’s doesn’t have to stop at canes.
I’m just not all that happy that as the Republicans self destruct the prime beneficiaries are the Democrats.
Those Demo voters will suffer along with the rest of us.
I absolutely see your point. And I say this: They already self-destructed once Bush 1 was in the White House. It’s been a slow fall until Obama came in, then it became very noticeable. “One World Order,” remember? Even if McCarthy got in, nothing would change. Democrats will dominate. Republicans in congress haven’t even tried to do anything about border security, pipeline closures, etc… So why think that would change? It won’t. I am open to any positive thoughts on the matter.
I’m just not grokking how legitimate (again, giving them the benefit of the doubt, not my monkeys as Kinnath says) argument about the direction and values of the leadership is the ‘Republicans self destruct[ing]’. Shut-up sit in the corner and behave, here’s a dose of swamp, or else those dastardly democrats win – personally, I’d look for a few more balls outside the jock strap from my politicians.
Of course my compulsive oppositional personality disorder might be getting in the way of recognizing legitimate, sober, and refined political craftsmanship. Members of the congressional leadership are, after all, the best and the brightest.
You see, none of us seem to really know what serious issue, and not just personality/ego/grandstanding is at stake here. I assume (perhaps wrongly) that it is almost all the latter. Because that’s pretty standard human behavior and as such, I’m very put off.
I certainly don’t know what the serious issue is and maybe I should try to find out positions that are staked out – but I have icepicks to shove up my rectum and crack to smoke and frankly that strikes me as more fun. Perhaps I mistake your ‘vitriol’ to be directed mainly at the ‘dissenters’ and maybe that’s a wrong impression. However, if that impression is correct, then why is their personality/ego/grandstanding more worthy of disdain and derision (“petulant children”) than the establishment leadership?
Perhaps because the establishment leadership has the support of the vast majority of the Reps on that side of the aisle. To me, this looks as stupid as the ’18 attempt against Pelosi – from a bunch of fringers that don’t represent the majority of the party let alone the majority of the country (despite the insipid insistence that they do).
Or maybe I’m just more surly than usual.
One could argue that their job is not to represent the Republican party, nor the country, but rather their constituency, the people who voted for them. If a representative’s job is to represent the majority of the country, just do away with the House in it’s entirety and poll California and New York.
Now personally, I would go further; my position, were I ever to run for office, would be I’m not here to represent you in the sense of you tell me how to vote, or take a poll and figure out what 51 of 100 of my district wants. I’m going to vote for what I think is right. If the voters in my district don’t like it, don’t vote for me or remove me from office.
And given Drake’s outline of the dissident position above, if accurate, I’m more inclined to favor them.
Goldwater famously told his constituents that he was voting for liberty because he just assumed that’s why they elected him.
I think if the Repubs had gotten their ‘red wave’ then this would all be fine. They would have the numbers to air out these differences in public knowing that votes would still have a nice buffer to pass legislation.
Get rid of the country club club types and see what springs up in their stead. It won’t be easy but it was always going to be messy. The problem is the alternative, at least in this case, probably won’t be much better if any.
Let’s get rid of lots of wrong-thinkers – hell, we can accomplish our own version of the WEF program! Bye-bye country club Congressmen, and those who vote for them; helicopter rides for the Dems and their voters. By god it will be a glorious and empty country for us!
I guess I just don’t see this a self-destruction and more hard nosed negotiations. Yes the Democrats and their minions in the media will try to spin it as Republican self-destruction. And evidence the party is falling into the hands of fascist extremists who have ideas that no self respecting intelligent person should have. But to be fair, they were going to do that anyway.
And I’m not sure your average American really cares about this. I know I sure don’t.
Here’s an example of the best/brightest
https://www.marketwatch.com/story/why-new-congressman-maxwell-frost-has-to-couch-surf-even-with-a-174-000-salary-11672851210?mod=mw_latestnews
I don’t have the vapors over this happening in public vs. in a
smokeyback room.I don’t see public in-fighting as necessarily being self-destructive. I assume that these hold-0outs represent districts that want them to be uncooperative with the main stream. If so, cheers for representing the people that elected them.
Yes. The new members SHOULD be pains in the ass to promote change. Use the same strategies as The Squad did on the Democrats. That was quite effective, no matter what you think of the ideology.
The Squad were all idiots. But I respected them challenging their party’s leadership and trying to move things in the directions that they promised to their respective voters.
Yes! Power does not equate intelligence. But how they moved the needle was impressive. Not sure what the Republicans would have. The Freedom Caucus? They get ignored more than a fat nerd at prom.
If so, cheers for representing the people that elected them.
Or, they got elected for the exact same reason AOC did – she had the proper initial after their name on the ballot.
Perry used to be my representative prior to redistricting, and no the Republican voters around me aren’t at all like me.
Heh.
So then I says “The combustion engine was actually a miracle of engineering that people take for granted today…”
Progressive Pastor Introduces One-Year ‘Don’t Read Your Bible’ Plan
As usual, the close is fucking perfect.
After reading the above, all I can say is . . .
SF for Speaker of the House !
I nominate Andrew Heaton.
Gary Busey.
He can head the Public Masturbation Caucus.
Paul Reubens hardest hit
All of the above, on a rotating basis daily or oftener
Uh…Hey, baby.
Congresswoman @laurenboebert nominates Byron Donalds for Speaker of the House of Representatives
She’s pretty.
Jesse is taking credit for adding to the stable.
I think she’s excited to be there.
Must be a little chilly in there.
We wonder why the few ladies we have scurry away
‘Tis a mystery.
Whadda ya mean, “we,” kemosabe?
mythical black republican
WHO???
Bait for the black caucus of the democratic party.
No one ever falls for that.
It’s like that English book reviewer that pissed on Sowell’s writing as that of a privileged white man.
Correct.
But it creates fodder for the social media campaign for the next election cycle.
Oh really?
https://twitter.com/CoriBush/status/1610726873792929792
FWIW, @ByronDonalds is not a historic candidate for Speaker. He is a prop. Despite being Black, he supports a policy agenda intent on upholding and perpetuating white supremacy.
His name being in the mix is not progress—it’s pathetic.
He’s the newest black face of white-supremacy…GET BACK ON THE PLANTATION!
Like I said: “bait”.
Happy belated perihelion to all.
What the fuck did you call me?
*eyes ROAT*
pedophobe?
“meaty eyes scanning for danger”
https://dailycaller.com/2023/01/04/himars-ukraine-russia-attack-donetsk-phone-use/
Lack of discipline?
Someone needs to check their definition of “defensive.” I’d say once territory is held by an opponent, you’re no longer defending it, you’re attacking it to regain it.
I think it’s safe to say, McCarthy screwed the pooch on this. Yeah, you can say what you want about the “Never McCarthy” guys. But, the truth is McCarthy is the guy who is supposed to be responsible for holding his caucus together. And he should have known, going in, that he had a lot of work to do. In a race where Republicans should have made significant gains, they only won a few seats. Sure, maybe that had something to do with voter fraud. But, let’s be honest, McCarthy ran a crap campaign. He didn’t give voters a reason to vote Republican other than their status as non-Democrats. After that, you’d think he could have at least formulated some sort of agenda that the GOP in the House could have gotten around. Instead, really, it wasn’t really all that clear why he expected the holdouts to vote for him other than he was the only choice.
I get it. As much as it would be awesome, you’re not going to get a Speaker Massie. But, the GOP leadership needs to wrap its head around the fact that “or the Democrats win” has played itself out as a rallying cry.
Voters have the same reason to vote Republican as they do for voting Democrat – it signals their tribal affiliation. They really don’t need any other reason.
Except that’s not universally the case. Otherwise, as fun as it is to assume you’re a superior cynic, we wouldn’t see the current quandary. The tribe would vote with the tribe and that would be that. At least within the tribe (and the unaffiliated) people have demands they want to see met.
The voters in my district will vote for the Republican – doesn’t matter the subgenre. And the party here doesn’t allow primarying of established candidates. It’s a closed fucking shop.
James shoots that 10mm Hi-point.
That was pretty good! Looks goofy but he sure didn’t hate it.
“more abuse than Kanye West’s reputation”
Impressive!