(originally broadcast on 6/11/2015)
CUE THEME MUSIC
It ain’t me, it ain’t me
I ain’t no senator’s son, no
It ain’t me, it ain’t me
I ain’t no fortunate one, no
It ain’t me, it ain’t me
I ain’t no millionaire’s son, no, no
It ain’t me, it ain’t me
I ain’t no fortunate one, no
CUE TITLE CARD
AMERICA’S FAVORITE SON
CUE CAST CARDS
V.O. ANNOUNCER
Starring
Hunter Biden as Hunter
Hallie Biden as Hallie
Elizabeth Secundy as Liz
And
Abe Vigoda as The Big Guy
V.O. ANNOUNCER
America’s Favorite Son is recorded before a live studio audience
DELAWARE HOUSE GARAGE. EXT. DAYTIME.
HALLIE
Should we be out here?
HUNTER
He would have locked the garage if he was that concerned.
HALLIE
What are we even looking for?
HUNTER
The boxes I put in here. I need them for my business trip.
HALLIE
I want to go. I’ve never been to The Ukraine.
HUNTER
The Big Guy says no cooze on Air Force 2. I’d smuggle you in with the cargo
but my second suitcase is full of medicine.
HALLIE
But Kiev! That’s where the chicken comes from.
HUNTER
Keev. They pronounce it “KEEV.”
HALLIE
You’re so smart.
HALLIE begins to rub HUNTER’S crotch
HUNTER
Not now, I’m working.
HALLIE
But I need it, baby.
HUNTER
I’ll fuck you in the asshole later.
HALLIE
Oh… Beau hadn’t done that in years. You know, because of the cancer.
HUNTER turns and slaps HALLIE forcefully
HALLIE
Ow!
HUNTER
I told you not to ever mention his name to me.
HALLIE
You make me call you that in bed.
HUNTER
Are we in bed? Am I currently fucking you? Am I fucking you right now?
Is my penis currently inside your blown-out vagina?
HALLIE
No.
HUNTER
You know how I get when you ask me questions.
HALLIE
I know. I’m sorry.
HUNTER
Take off your panties.
HALLIE
Here?
HUNTER
No, I want you to take them off in Miami. Christ, you are stupid.
HALLIE
Don’t say that.
HUNTER
TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING PANTIES!
HALLIE reaches under her skirt and removes her underwear.
HUNTER watches as he takes a long draw off of a crack pipe.
HUNTER
Get on the Corvette.
HALLIE
What? That’s The Big Guy’s car!
A leering BIG GUY appears, projected on the garage wall behind them. HUNTER pushes HALLIE facedown on the trunk of the Corvette. He spits into her crotch and takes out his erect penis. As HUNTER enters HALLIE, HUNTER burns her lower back with the crack pipe and laughs.
CLOSE UP on HALLIE’S skin sizzling
COMMERCIAL BREAK
V.O. ANNOUNCER
America’s Favorite Son will be back after these messages.
ACT 2
FADE IN
HUNTER pulling up his pants and breathing heavily
HUNTER
There you go, bitch. I filled you up. My dick must have shat a pint in you.
HALLIE is crying, trying to push her dress down.
HUNTER
Wait, wait… it’s almost here!
HALLIE wipes off her face with the skirt of her dress
HALLIE
What? What’s almost here?
HUNTER
POST-NUT CLARITY!
A spotlight shines on HUNTER from above
HUNTER
THE BOX IS THERE!
Spotlight moves to illuminate a white records storage carton
HALLIE clutches her midsection
HALLIE
Something is wrong, Hunter.
HUNTER
This is it! This is everything I need to be an energy tycoon in Ukraine!
HALLIE groans loudly
HUNTER
I told you I was going to wreck your pussy.
HUNTER opens the truck of the Corvette and places the box inside.
HALLIE
Is that… is that…
HUNTER slams the trunk closed.
HALLIE
Is that my sister in the trunk? Why is she tied up?
HUNTER
She said it got her off.
HUNTER opens the garage door and gets in the Corvette
THE BIG GUY appears once more, the projection frowning
HUNTER
Are you coming?
HALLIE limps to the passenger door and gets inside
HALLIE
It really hurts.
HUNTER
I know it does.
HALLIE
Should we be taking The Big Guy’s car?
HUNTER
Fuck it. I’m making him enough money that he can buy another one.
HUNTER and HALLIE drive out of the garage
FADE OUT under screeching alarms
V.O. STATION ANNOUNCER
WE INTERRUPT THIS REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM FOR
A CHANNEL 6 SEVERE WEATHER REPORT.
WEATHER MAN
Tornados! Tornados! Tornados!
Just a bottomless well of nightmares.
Thats it. Its done. The internet is complete.
“It is finished.”
Can we expect the Four Horsemen today?
I am looking out at the horizon as we speak.
It’s been fun. Hopefully see you on the other side!
We ARE getting an asteroid drive by tomorrow:
5 meters? Would we even care?
Giving 31 M1 tanks and spare parts to Ukraine…8-ball says…
We are arming them and I still contend it isn’t purely defensive in nature. Eventually Ol’ Zel will look out and see he has a well stocked fighting force.
Lacking in manpower.
I have a lack of faith that we or the EU won’t also start throwing bodies at it.
Number of Ukrainians skilled in operating an M1 (don’t know which version) tank probably number significantly below 124.
31 X 4 man crew.
Which is what, one, maybe two company’s worth of tanks? How exactly does anyone believe that is decisive against brigade or more?
Enough for a decent parade.
Who needs more?
Two Companies with 3 for spares/Bn Leadership.
44 in a US BN.
But, a doctrinal Soviet BN was 31tanks.
Post peace dividend, I had a great nco who would get livid that Soviet doctrine was still being taught and wargamed against. Now, given the amount of material and trainers they bequeathed plus the legacy into Russia and to a lesser extent the rest of the former WP, maybe it wasn’t a bad idea after all.
Eli eli! Lama sabachtani and all that.
I would think more of a mene mene tekel upharsin situation.
“But Kiev! That’s where the chicken comes from.”
What time’s lunch?
( ˘︹˘ )
The Widow’s Sister has crazy eyes.
Yup.
You would too if you were tied up in the trunk of a senator’s car.
2015 == VP’s car.
I…think my brain leaped out of head and ran down the hall to escape, after reading that.
I’m trying to get mine to do that, but it’s just sitting there numbly.
Dear God.
Dark.
Yet strangely arousing, like my women.
Liz looks… scary. Hide the sharp objects, and stay away from open windows.
What the….wait…uhhhh…………..
*thousand yard stare*
How am I in a timeline where every part of this story is believable? Beyond that – much of it is likely.
HUNTER opens the truck of the Corvette and places the box inside.
Axially, Corvette no have trunk.
Unless it’s some sort of Oakland Fucking Roadster Show abomination, reimagined by Icon.
Via Hagerty:
Ackshually, it has convertible top storage. It opens backwards and there is a big storage space there. If the top is in that space there’s still a little room available.
Here’s a pic.
We are beyond redemption, aren’t we?
I knew from some experience with it. Not Biden’s, but another one. Even when the top is down there’s some space between the taillights and the top big enough to squeeze a backpack in. Now you would need a hook or something to get it back out – but it is doable.
Clearly Sugar Free knew this and used his superior knowledge in his writeup.
TOS explanation would be:
“To be fair, it cannot be called a trunk. But it stores objects in the back of a car, so what else will we call it? Should the government spend ten million dollars to study the proper name for this?”
Tune in next week!
*deletes internet*
How appropriate for a SF lunch time…
And here I thought I was just eating some chips with a sandwich.
These days it’s never just chips. Just like it’s never just M&M’s.
Acceptable rat turds as parts per million?
I was kinda going more the liver disease angle on the packaging of something you are eating…
😶
The genius of these is that they’re not the same every week. We get lulled by a few innocuous ones, and then we get one… like this.
I’m undecided. Disgusting or repulsive?
Good, though
Pretty far from the hardest to masturbate to.
Yeah, Hillary wasn’t in this one.
I like how you managed to keep it to a TV-14 rating.
I don’t know what TV-14 shows you are watching, but the ones I have seen don’t have erect penises.
Just in time. Wonder if he will bumble our way into that mess further.
Well, not really, cause he is always late.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ks6Ifhg6_w
Sorta on-topic even!
Oh..he did speak…and called the Secretary of Defense the “Secretary of the Military” and it went down hill from there.
Not sure whatever he says is gonna matter.
https://twitter.com/JackPosobiec/status/1618260754867843073
These people are unhinged.
https://twitter.com/smod4real/status/1618299739199635456?s=20&t=9Mfrv89asQFqm428uWzxsg
LOL
Well the last time they started fighting a war WITH Russia it didn’t go well either.
They went 1-1 last century. It is time for a tie breaker.
Giving much of your armor to the Ukraine is a curious opening move.
Yeah the Ukraine starting position never really worked out in all my games played.
The Germans are sending 2, yes 2 whole tanks.
This gives cover to the Poles who last I read were sending 30+.
My bad 14!
I guess the good news is three different platforms (now that the Brits will be sending), three different supply chains, means not very effective fighting force.
Risk-y.
More like 0-1-1
I know it’s her second language, and I know what she meant, BUT, she actually said, “I’ve said in the LAST days.”
BREAKING: German Foreign Minister speaking about NATO says: “We are fighting a war against Russia”
Why? And when was this declared?
and it went down hill from there.
I just got to “*mumbles about various weapons* all to counter Ukraine’s brutal aggression that’s happening because of Russia…”
Lol…
And I am so glad that the territorial integrity of a former province of the Russian Empire and Soviet Union is existentially important but the border of the US is nonexistent. These lizard-person pedophile cuntes clearly have their priorities in order.
“We are fully, thoroughly, totally united.”
It’s official, we’re breaking up.
Yeah, the optimist in me sees that as a tell.
The other 99% of me is beating my head against the desk.
“Trust me, trust the government,” he said. “By acting in an internationally coordinated manner, we will ensure that this support is possible without the risks to our country growing in the wrong direction.”
Chancellor Olaf Scholz
That is not as reassuring as he thinks it is.
I, for one, am glad president Brandon has committed the US to the defense of a country that is not an ally at the cost of hundreds of billions of dollars for no discernable point or purpose that benefits the average American citizen while depleting our military stores and actively undermining the country domestically.
But Democracy is at war with Russia!
Democracy that overthrew an elected govt – the best kind of democracy!
fuck Russia
fuck Ukraine
fuck the corrupt Biden clan
So nobody is the good guy? I can agree with that.
You can add Putin and Zelenskyyy to that list, too
Oh, missed this little slip of the tongue. Good Job Mr. President
“…to help counter Ukraine’s brutal aggression,”
I would have figured Hunter for a t top IROCZ.
Mullet, 305 and slush box.
Mmm… didn’t they make a V6 Camaro back then?
Yup. But from memory not available with the racy IROC package,
Friend’s dad had a base Berlinetta with the V6 and 5sp. With the 5sp it wasn’t awful.
Yeah, but at heart, it is a GM product, thus not worth the time to pay attention to it.
The Corvette is Joe’s ride, the “locked” garage where he kept the classified document that turned up in the 2nd round of disclosures.
You’re supposed to pretend that these are fever dream fantasies, and not transcripts of your surveillance videos.
Nice to see that we are back in Family Friendly form.
Objection! Abe Vigoda is far too young, lively and vital to be convincing as The Big Guy.
Come on. He could use the work.
Abe Vigoda died in 2016 at the age of 94. Ah, never mind, you’re still right.
I would have figured Hunter for a t top IROCZ.
With a V6.
Similar thoughts above, but I believe you couldn’t get the IROC trim with the V6. Crappiest motor was the 305.
If you really wanted to suck, you could get a 1983 Camaro with the 4 cylinder Iron Duke. I assume that option was bought because the buyer intended an engine swap.
Hairdresser model.
I remember that. Iron Duke + slush box would have to be peak 80s GM.
I can almost hear it leaving a light now:
whhhuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHH!
I had a ’81 Pontiac Hoenix (the P was broken off) with that same engine.
The iron duke was as unkillable as the 225 Slant Six, and just as shitty.
Yes. Horrible forever. Like owning an uncomfortable pair of shoes that never wears out.
Every bag gives back to charity.
Why do I read that as “tea bag”?
I like how you managed to keep it to a TV-14 rating.
*close up shot of Hallie, grimacing, as her chin bumps rhythmically on rear deck*
Good thing I checked before I mentioned that Corvettes of that vintage didn’t have trunks. I need to get up earlier.
Probably also need to take all the CLASSIFIED stickers off my tool box in the garage (souvenirs of my time with Lloyd’s favorite defense contractor – pretty sure none of the tools are classified.)
Whoah there, you don’t have the power to declassify anything.
Reported.
Unless he was the original classifying authority and at the time was a registered democrat with sizeable contributions to the Clinton Foundation.
AXshully Hillary, as Sec State was an Original Classification Authority. She didn’t even know it.
Only for material originating in State, not for anything else.
Wait…where does SHE come into play? I know, I know…crazy/hot matrix is absolutely off the charts with it…
That family is a damn mess
Read that. She considered $85,000 as below minimum wage in California, never been paid that little in her life, wanted $180K. WTF?
It also reads as if they are almost lovers. I was close with my cousin but that talk is some borderline banging
I didn’t get the “almost” part.
Then again, would.
TBF what is the cost of living in CA?
It is extreme. But her demand is nuts.
I figure sex with cousins is too blasé for our First Family.
And Caroline hit The Wall at top speed.
https://nypost.com/2014/02/05/bidens-niece-enters-posh-rehab-for-anger-issues/
They do not treat anger unless it’s an underlying problem to drug addiction, according to a staff member who answered the phone.
Not sure why but that made me laugh out loud!
It looks like she has black eyes that are almost healed.
Yeah, that is her, just without all the makeup (I think)
You are from Kentucky or something right?
I have no cousins. 🙁
…Hunter Biden botched…
Hunh. What a surprising revelation. Has Junior ever botched before?
https://twitter.com/the_ironsheik/status/1618252682388721664
We love you too, Iron Sheik.
Jabronie!
You have to love DC.
The Unknown Hedge Fund That Got $400 Million From Sam Bankman-Fried
After the collapse of FTX, prosecutors and lawyers have scrutinized its discredited founder’s huge investment in Modulo Capital.
NYT Paywall
You have to love DC. – I mean Marvel aint that great lately what choice is there
Which DC movies have you been watching?
none. just like marvel.
Enemy of the State?
Eagle Eye
Going that route, I have a soft spot for Conspiracy Theory.
I enjoyed the ridiculous depiction of the NSA in the 90s as a super CIA with armed agents.
Decent DC movies:
Wonder Woman
Shazam!
Maybe the James Gunn Suicide Squad
My Martian Manhunter movie that I would love to write but no one is asking for.
4/11 ain’t bad.
Good enough for a HS diploma in Baltimore.
The first three on the list are decent. I’d sub out a Question movie that should have been done already, but only some people are asking for.
Crappiest motor was the 305.
They lengthened the stroke to give it more torque!
302 or GTFO.
‘Not as gloomy as you think’: In Maryland, English test scores rise, math scores dive
But what about the important stuff like knowing all the genders or how to tuck for the drag show?
Just over half of students are proficient in English now. Give those teachers a raise!
I seem to recall my teachers telling me that 53% was a failing grade.
New math. Get with the times.
Meanwhile, in Baltimore…
Ah, here’s the one I was originally looking for.
403 Forbidden
Funny, it wasn’t marked /NOFORN.
Nothing wrong with that. Teachers doing their jobs and helping students pass.
An oldie but goodie:
Baltimore’s failing schools are a tragedy of criminal proportions
This is planned. Dumbasses just vote to give themselves money. Therefore, let’s make more dumbasses and vote in social democrats (commies).
Go way, ‘baitin’
Maths is for nerds.
Math is racist.
harder to rewrite the math tests to pass them.
2+2=5 is coming though.
https://pjmedia.com/vodkapundit/2023/01/25/report-putin-wants-to-buy-u-s-weapons-biden-left-in-afghanistan-but-theres-even-more-n1664501
PJMedia and the Sun can be taken with a grain of salt but seems we will soon be arming both sides!
We make money coming and going
OK I have my new OnlyFans channel’s motto
Lots of German subscribers?
My only surprise is that this hadn’t happened earlier.
I would imagine China and Russia immediately grabbed a few of each so they could reverse engineer them.
Yep. No doubt that happened, along with an exchange of money.
I sure hope they are right about it only being the beginning of Cold War II.
That would make us neutral, like the Swiss.
And who would want to be like the Swiss?
/looks around nervously
Me.
All the Emmentaler is mine. Mine, I tell you!
BACK OFF!!!!
What makes a man turn neutral?
ED
But you’ll require a red pill, not a blue pill.
A bad throw-out bearing?
Wait, arming Cuba in exchange for them sending their old Russian stuff to Ukraine?
Investigators said that the data provided to them from the district shows that between 2016 and 2020, there were 12,543 grades that were changed from failing to passing.
Social justice promotion.
Oh. So you don’t intend for us to be able to travel.
Now we know why air travel has been an unmitigated disaster under disgraced Transportation Secretary Buttigieg.
“Every transportation decision . . . is a climate decision.”
All your quality of life are belong to us.
Self driving cars are coming any minute!
Waymo driverless car brings San Francisco traffic to a halt during rush hour
Editor’s note: This story was updated at 4:45 p.m., Jan. 24, to clarify that traffic was not at a complete standstill.
Oh, that’s ok then.
Well the issue is that all the other cars had stupid humans in them. Duh
When we force everyone to live and work in walkable neighborhoods, cars will be unnecessary.
I gotta wonder how fast traffic was actually moving through that “very complex and busy intersection” before a car stopped in it.
It got super confused cause of “road closures”. That is comforting.
Humans make mistakes all the time. Sometimes those mistakes are fatal.
Humans are quite good, however, at seeing anomalous conditions and making sound decisions on what to do next. Computers fail miserably at this task. Sometimes these failures are fatal.
I wouldn’t expect anything different: Biden-Harris Administration’s new gaslighting video is over-the-top. Ignores historic failures.
I can’t take 1:58 of those two. I’ll take your word for it.
It’s more vomit inducing than anything SF has ever written. The only thing saving it was the unauthorized editorial content.
I’m surprised you could see both of their hands for all the mutual masturbating going on. Maybe they had interns under the table.
The use of “we” is not how I remember the definition.
Kamala had to agree to that. Interesting given she may be Prez soon.
“I was there, when the cameras weren’t, and I watched, Joe, be presidential.”
Now we know why air travel has been an unmitigated disaster under disgraced Transportation Secretary Buttigieg.
“Every transportation decision . . . is a climate decision.”
What a nullity. Empty suit gives him more credit than he deserves.
My gay brother with the MFA is more qualified that Buttigieg to run the nations transportation systems.
My cat of indeterminate sexuality is more qualified than Petey.
Pardon me for asking – I’ve been busy lately and may have missed some scandalous news. Is Buttigieg any more disgraced than any other member of the current administration?
I’d just say notably ineffective. These offices are given as plums to grandstand. In his Mayor Pete’s case all we know is he took paternity leave during COVID and checked out.
When he checked back in nothing has changed transportation problems abound and the best he can do is pick on Tesla while air travel continues to disintegrate. So nothing to build up his resume for his political aspirations.
This gets more and more ridiculous. Note that the securely stored firearm was transported to school as follows:
Virginia superintendent faces termination for trio of school shootings over 18 months
“You suck at your job and we don’t want you here anymore. Here’s a bunch of money.” Hate this shit.
You can make decent money by being good at your job.
But the real money is in getting fired repeatedly from high-level government jobs.
“I want that VP nod!”
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., is angling to be Donald Trump’s running mate in 2024, according to two people who have spoken to the firebrand second-term congresswoman about her ambitions.
“This is no shrinking violet, she’s ambitious — she’s not shy about that, nor should she be,” said Steve Bannon, the former top Trump aide who hosts the War Room podcast, where Greene has been a guest.
“She sees herself on the short list for Trump’s VP. Paraphrasing Cokie Roberts, when MTG looks in the mirror she sees a potential president smiling back,” he added, referencing Roberts, the late political reporter who worked for NPR, ABC News and other outlets.
Honestly I’d rather see a Desantis/Lake or Paul/Lake. Basically I want Lake on the ticket.
At this rate, we’ll be lucky if there’s an election in 24. A military dictatorship ruling over the smoking ruins seems more likely by the day.
“according to two people”
Journalisming.
Gotta admit it, a Lake/Harris debate would be teh Awesomes.
Wouldn’t you rather want two winners on the ticket? Hell, Noem if you want a woman governor, Ernst if you want a midwestern woman from the Senate. At least if DeSantis is the nominee, the useless fuck Rubio will be out.
Sees, like over her shoulder?
He’s sniffing her hair.
So we send a bunch of tanks to Ukraine. Is this like giving people a free shaving razor and then selling them blades to go in it?
I think I need a cigarette after that one.
Totally NJ…
You can’t carry in the car unless you are going to and from shooting
Technically you can take hollow points to the range, but you are best off never having them anyplace but home after you confirm they function in your weapon.
Thank you NJ for your recent 10 round magazine restriction!
‘This was not a mistake, this was a choice’: Son gives testimony in fatal Morristown crash
Recently divorced broke Porsche driver living with mom goes to Jets game gets blotto drives home and kills two people with the above in the trunk. But he’s a good guy!