“Speaker, attend me and learn truth,” the scarred cleric said to Nancy, his voice like brittle aluminum.
“Yesh,” Nancy slurred and stepped in close.
“Lay your hand in mine, Speaker,” the cleric said. “Those bound by touch can never lie. This is the bond of my truth.”
Nancy held out her hand and he grasped it quickly, like a snake strike. Nancy could see his swollen joints, the labial gnarls of bone-deep burns, and long fingernails the color of Cherry Flavor Aid.
“Know this, Speaker. I cannot rid the homosexual desire from your husband. I cannot restore him as your consort.”
“I don’t want you to make him straight,” Nancy squawked, almost pulling away in shock. “I don’t care if he’s gay. This is San Francisco, this place might as well be called Buckfuckinton. Hell, I fundraise on having a gay husband in certain bars.”
“Then what is it you ask of our order?” the cleric rasped.
“My house is clearly infested with a Rough Trade Demon and I want it out,” Nancy said.
“A Rough Trade Demon?” the cleric asked. “But they usually plague the young, or recently divorced…”
“Listen here, buddy,” Nancy said. “I didn’t suck Jim Jones’ crooked cock to get jerked around.”
“But have you seen the signs? To attempt the purging of a Rough Trade Demon on a different entity might have disastrous results.”
“He comes home smelling like the docks, the constant black eyes, the perfusion of handkerchiefs in multiple colors…”
“Oh, my,” the hooded cleric gasped.
“Blood in his underwear,” Nancy finished. “And it’s not tomato sauce.” She struggled to waggle her eyebrows on the sausage-tight skin of her face.
“I will do this for you, Speaker,” he said and snatched his hands away.
The cleric walked toward the front door of the house, hands held out before him, muttering Enochian obscenities. He mounted the porch and screamed.
“I told you it was bad!” Nancy called.
“No,” he said, looking back. “A priest has been here.”
“I contacted the Archdiocese first,” Nancy said. “They were the cheapest option.”
“The Catholic Church knows nothing of exorcism. They can’t even clean their own house!”
“The last one Paul brought home nearly killed him with a hammer!” Nancy said. “I need my husband alive to launder my money, dammit!”
The cleric grimaced and approached the front door. He bit his left hand and painted a sigil of banishment with it in his own pale red blood.
He cried out in guttural Enochian, his larynx twisted by the brute language of the angels. Nancy had just enough to translate in her head.
I call and command you, spirit of the black eye and bleeding anus, depart this home!
The house seemed to shiver and a sourceless voice answered, “WHO DISTURBS MY GLORYHOLE?”
“The Beloved of Jones the Uncarnated, may His Glasses reflect forever.”
“GO HOME, LITTLE KOOL-AID MAN!”
“FLAVOR-AID!” the cleric shouted and splattered more of his blood on the door.
“YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE.”
“Oh, yeah?” the cleric asked as he burst through the living room wall.
Oh Yeah!
Seriously.
I wonder how Swiss will react to a pun ultimate line?
No! That was GLORIOUS. I stood and applauded.
No narrowed gaze. This is like deja vu in the Matrix isn’t it? It happening.
We are, uh, through the, uh, looking glass…
The house seemed to shiver and a sourceless voice answered, “WHO DISTURBS MY GLORYHOLE?”
LOL!
But that slanderous innuendo has been comprehensively debunked!
I read it in the papers.
a Rough Trade Demon and I want it out
Oh thank the gawds that I was alone when I read this. The dogs were nonplussed by my convulsive laughter.
Cherry Flavor Aid.
Jim Jones approved.
“… may His Glasses reflect forever.”
I got that far and wasn’t sure I wanted to go any further, Yet, yet, my eyes kept going down the page, as if they had their own compulsion.
Glad I had lunch before I read this. Who know what evil lurks in the hearts of man…
The Shadow knows!
Love that last line, totally did not expect that. Thanks for another good LOL.
“I need my husband alive to launder my money, dammit!”
That left a sizzle and faint hint of burning flesh.
She and Feinstein really perfected that grift.
“They were the cheapest option.”
Absolutely killing it today.
I guffawed.
This was read in the proper voice of that asshat who does say it so well.
The Sulu guy?
Bra fucking vo SF.
Ditto!
“I didn’t suck Jim Jones’ crooked cock to get jerked around.”
DId the People’s Temple practice Enochian Magick? I thought they were a pseudo-Christian sect.
I just listened to Martyrmade’s podcast on the whole incident a couple of months ago. If you have 16 hours or so to put into it, I highly recommend. I was barely familiar with what happened until I listened to it. The Christian thing was mostly a front, he was a communist first and foremost. The podcast plays long unedited clips of the man himself explaining his philosophy and he repeatedly calls himself an atheist. At one point he says something along the lines of “our church has branches in Russia and China. The preacher over there goes by the name of Mao.” He also plays long clips of nightly struggle sessions that he would have at their church meetings where they would single out individuals for being bad communists and berate and humiliate them for hours on end.
The main pretext for going to Ghana (besides the fact that he was starting to be under investigation by numerous law enforcement agencies for things that even the most libertarian among us would agree should be criminal) was that so many other radical communist and civil rights groups were being taken out and they wanted to start a commune in a place where the government was basically letting any group setup whatever social experiment they fancied as long as they were paying bribes to the right people.
It was really interesting to hear all of the things that came straight out of his mouth and how it doesn’t jive at all with what the pop culture understanding is. Once again, the media seems to be covering up for the good name of socialists so the masses don’t stubbornly reject it when they try to force it on us again.
Guyana, not Ghana. Wrong continent.
Correct. That’s an embarrassing mistake.
And it’s surprising how many mainstream Democrats he had in the palm of his hand.
And by surprising, I mean not surprising at all.
Plus ça change…
WitchDemon hunt!Witch Hunt!
Witch Hunt
Geeze we must have the same record collections.
It certainly seems like it.
Here are MWP’s notes on the making of that album: https://martywillson-piper.com/priest-aura/
Witch Hunt
Lair of the Swamp Witch
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ip3qOk6hycQ
This could be my all-time favorite. Top-notch from beginning to end.
Bravo.
I keep saying that and he keeps outdoing himself.
A treasure.
And he’s so timely! Never out of date.
Where did that graphic of Nancy come from?
I would assume AI art.
The crown spikes do kinda resemble the People’s Temple logo.
It came directly from the SF surveillance video feed.
The black eyes, like a doll’s eyes, are the dead give-away to realism. No AI can cross that uncanny valley.
I just did a couple…couldn’t recreate the crown spikes. However, they are disturbing in themselves.
Yes, AI Art.
Sounds like something a hedonistic robot would say…
Oh-h-h Yeah-h-h-h-h!
https://youtu.be/6jJkdRaa04g?t=8
Ohhhh, yeahhh
Timely?
Let’s try this again: Timely?
I don’t know how, I don’t want to know how, you managed to get the AI to do the ventriloquist dummy mouth.
I actually just found it on a public domain AI ART site.
OK, now I fear AI.
Oh my.
…and long fingernails the color of Cherry Flavor Aid.
Subtle foreshadow. Just brilliant!
That… is quite the picture of the Lich-Speaker
I can just imagine her pathetic minions, like Schiff and Swalwel, and that stupid flaccid penis that cries all the time, genuflecting every time they see it.
Paul Ryan?
So wonderful. Thank you for making a shitty day better.
That was amazing.
Disturbing and weird, but amazing.
It bothers me sometimes that I’m not disturbed. But I figure it is training and spiritual armor for my battle with the Antichrist. Kind of like Rocky IV.
Why are you and SF gonna fight?
Good it’s not Rocky V. That movie gives you AIDS.
the perfusion of handkerchiefs in multiple colors
https://youtu.be/rczfwBt_Veo
If I found that thing in my backyard, I’d kill it with a shovel.
*mails Peaches’ greatest hits to SF*
Jeezus, there’s a song about that? Of course there is.
Satan’s imps and minions
The White House on Tuesday expressed outrage on Tuesday at Exxon Mobil Corp’s record net profit in 2022 of $56 billion, a historical high not just for the company but for the entire Western oil industry.
Oil majors are expected to break their own annual records due to high prices and soaring demand, pushing their combined take to near $200 billion. The scale has brought renewed criticism of the oil industry and sparked calls for more countries to levy windfall profit taxes on the companies.
A White House statement said Exxon’s (XOM.N) profit margin was particularly galling as Americans paid record high prices at the pump. It criticized attempts by Republicans in the House of Representatives to push policies aimed at supporting the oil industry.
“The latest earnings reports make clear that oil companies have everything they need, including record profits and thousands of unused but approved permits, to increase production, but they’re instead choosing to plow those profits into padding the pockets of executives and shareholders while House Republicans manufacture excuse after excuse to shield them from any accountability,” the White House said.
The oil companies inexplicably raised their prices, just to make people hate Joe Biden.
They should have kept prices low until pumps ran dry as is proper.
Sitting on money (or returning it to shareowners) is a better use than developing more supply. Nothing to worry about.
No Joe, I despise you without any help from the oil companies.
“The latest earnings reports make clear that
oilpharma companies have everything they need, including record profits andthousands of unused but approved permits, to increase production,vaccine mandates but they’re instead choosing to plow those profits into padding the pockets of executives and shareholders whileHouse RepublicansDemocrats in government manufacture excuse after excuse to shield them from any accountability,” the White House said.I sold my XOM a long while back, but during a previous gas crises, I said I held it as a hedge. The dividend nicely offset my increased fuel bills.
I bought CVX near its nadir early in the pandemic. Sold off half, but still hold some. Same thing, nice hedge.
Texas,
https://twitter.com/DallasTexasTV/status/1620572997194231809
Sad.
are restricted. I ain’t signing into twitter.
Agreed. There is about a half-inch clear ice all over DFW right now though. Not even walk friendly.
Fuck ice. Studs and/or chains. If not, stay home. Nobody can drive on that shit.
Oh yes. And that kind of stuff isn’t even on the shelves around here. You would have to order it from somewhere. This stuff happens every year for a few days in February, then it all melts away. Just don’t go anywhere for 48 hours! The bridges are sky high and unheated and nobody will have proper equipment.
We have three 4WD or AWD vehicles with All Terrain tires. It snows here. We have to get around. But with ice, you park it and wait for the trucks to spread salt and sand.
Yeah. I don’t even think we have official sand trucks here. A year or so ago I saw then before the big icepocalypse.
Yeah, even Alaskans don’t drive in that shit.
Animal, I recall driving a HMMWV at Fort Rich in Winter. I was approaching a stop at the bottom of a hill. I looked in my rearview mirror to see a 5-ton sliding down the hill toward me. I ran the stop.
Rat, you did the right thing.
The Chinooks would blow in melting snow than die down for a hard freeze. Surfaces were like skating rinks. People had difficulty maintaining a formation. It once happened while we were in the field making the motor pool slick. Cold winds that weekend blew all the vehicles toward the corner.
That is what I learned when I lived in WI. They are good at driving on snow and realize that no one can drive on ice.
Same here in CO. Snow is no big deal, but ice shuts things down.
Some asshole at the Enterprise counter in Indy “upgraded” me to a Mustang when he saw my DL. What he didn’t tell me was that they had just had an ice storm.
Pretty exciting drive to the hotel.
Obligatory
Age restricted block.
Not a car with a bra on.
Texans. Up here you’d get the hell off the road before a wave of speeders play bumper cars.
They should have kept prices low until pumps ran dry as is proper.
Rationing and gas lines are the market solutions we need.
Oh Yeah I thought of this one first but then I found this one
It thought of this one: https://youtu.be/9_oW354cLtg?t=121
Tune in next week, SAME NANCY TIME, SAME NANCY CHANNEL