Previously on “The Secret History of Vermont”
Introduction
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Chapter 4: The Lake Champlain Monster
For many years there have been rumors and occasional dubious sightings of a possible dinosaur-like monster living in Lake Champlain, much like the monster rumored to live in Loch Ness, Scotland. The Lake Champlain Monster has been affectionately baptized as “Champ” by the Vermont Department of Tourist Management and has occasionally been used as an excuse to visit Vermont by Flatlanders who, upon arrival, stare intently at the lake for about 30 seconds and then express an interest in the possible remnants of the historical Institutes of Adult Entertainment in Richford.
The facts of the matter are that these rumors are incorrect. There isn’t a monster in Lake Champlain. There’s a whole family of them. None of them are named “Champ”. And there are no more Institutes of Adult Entertainment in Richford.
Monsters are not native to New England waterways. Back in the time of the great Republic of Vermont, when Vermont was an Independent Country and besieged by imperious New Yorkers, it was Ethan Allen, a man of many fine accomplishments despite his eventual support for joining the Union, who formed a Secret Society charged with the clandestine importation, with total disregard to EPA regulations, of a breeding pair of monsters from Scotland. The purpose and training of which was to harass the New York Navy on Lake Champlain should it ever prove necessary.
The monsters, a common variety of Plesiosaur, were secured and trained to surface only at night and in response to their proper names, which are Gaelic, not renderable in the English alphabet, and secret from even Native Vermonters. It is not known for certain, outside of the Secret Society, whether the underwater monsters were ever activated. Perhaps one day a Secret History of New York will be published with tales of terrifying attacks on arms bearing freighters and vessels of war on Lake Champlain by Beasts as if from the Apocalypse. Then the Secret History of Vermont will have to be updated to respond with, “What rubbish.”
Plesiosaurs are psychologically much like well-kept dogs: happy, trainable, and eager to please. Training is accomplished by being firm when they do it wrong and affectionate and rewarding, with fish, when they do it right. The first thing one trains a plesiosaur to do is, “Stay Down!” Having 20 tons of cold-blooded reptile playfully crash down on your boat is enough to ruin your whole day. Training for military action is the opposite of what one might think. Instead of associating ships, cannons, and a particular flag design as bad things that must be treated aggressively, the monsters are trained to see them as “things to play with that it’s OK to jump on”. I doubt that the chronicles of the survivors of such an “attack” would mention just how happy and excited the monsters appeared as they inadvertently crushed their new playmate into splinters.
Over the years the monsters were trained to recognize the naval flags of whatever entity seemed to be a threat at the time. After New York was subdued, England, Canada, France, the Confederacy, Germany, Japan, Italy, Korea, the Soviet Union, Cuba, Vietnam, Iran, Iraq, and Quebec all took turns being on the monsters’ play list. At one point a pair of adolescent monsters were moved from Lake Champlain to Lake Memphremagog to guard the border in north central Vermont, much to relief of their parents. Rumors that the dome of the Vermont capitol building in Montpelier is plated with gold found in a Nazi submarine captured in Lake Champlain by the monsters during the latter part of World War II remain unsubstantiated at this time.
The Secret Society still keeps the existence of the monsters a secret lest they be discovered by the Montpelier Legislature and taxed to create a Department of Monster Management. Occasionally a young monster surfaces during the day, on a dare from other young monsters, and gets its picture taken. The Secret Society then goes into emergency mode and floods the media with stories about how logs, waves, boats, seagulls, schools of fish, single fish, shadows, clouds, and mirages can all be made to resemble a hypothetical monster if you squint your eyes hard enough. For those who refuse to take the hint and keep on harping about what they saw the Secret Society demonstrates these nifty pen-like things they have that flash red and … what was I writing about?
Oh, they were activated, but proved ineffective because all they did was look to cuddle and frolic.
Pléiseasár?
Oh, pleis…..
My friend and coworker, Guy, used to throw wild parties. He was a bachelor and had one corner of his living room setup as an “Adult Learning Center.
Historical Richford Institute of Adult Entertainment:
https://newenglandhistoricalsociety.com/queen-lill-made-vermont-famous-booze-broads/
True story:[1]
I once posted some information about Queen Lill on an old Richford web site. It stated the Queen Lill’s husband was a farmer. An old lady in town, I think some kind of distant relation of Lill’s, objected saying that the husband was a medical doctor. We ended up at the Town Hall where the Town Clerk went into the vault and got out Queen Lill’s marriage certificate. It identified the husband as a farmer.
Footnotes:
[1] But of course all my stories are true.
Those are not mutually exclusive professions at one point in time.
Hell, at one point in time doctors and barbers were the same guy.
Nah, that was Surgeons.
Surgeons were not doctors until the 20th century. Surgeons were apprentice-educated, Doctors were university-educated. Doctors looked down on Surgeons.
Now it’s all just a giant freak show.
https://www.dailywire.com/news/medical-students-condemn-gender-binary-colonialism-praise-indian-medicine-in-bizarre-oath
Don’t get sick.
The left keeps finding new and insidious ways to decrease the population.
‘we commit to healing our planet’
Physician, heal thyself.
Is their favorite band Monster magnet?
Rumors that the dome of the Vermont capitol building in Montpelier is plated with gold found in a Nazi submarine captured in Lake Champlain by the monsters during the latter part of World War II remain unsubstantiated at this time.
Imagine that. Thanks, Richard! Another terrific history lesson!
How did the Nazi sub get to Lake Champlain from Pearl Harbor?
It was actually a Swiss sub, which is why Vermont has trouble accessing international Banking to this day.
I think we are starting to jump the proverbial ichthyosaur
Amazing. The things I learn here!
So many things concealed from us during our so-called “education”.
Does one use imaginary bait when fishing for imaginary monsters?
i linked this in the links but will again as it is more fitting
https://twitter.com/eigenrobot/status/1630051678840913922
I’m sorry to say that the modern Montpelier Legislature has significantly diverged from the old Republic’s ideals. The gun laws are still pretty good.
That was a good read.
Okay, this is funny (to me). Down in Pie’s twatter link, there is a plaintive cry from the New Yorker about a precipitous decline in the study of English and History at the collegiate level.
The primary thrust of modern higher education, championed by people like the loyal readers of the New Yorker, has been the destruction of honest and effective communication and the erasure of Western Culture.
You’ve got to be a special kind of stupid to not see the inevitable consequences of their preferred policies.
Just about every college English program out there is infested with progs if not explicitly communist and postmodern.
I knew it!
The Montpelier Legislature once proposed a tax on taxes the proceeds of which were to fund a Department of Tax Management. Unfortunately when an actuary was tasked with estimating how much money would result, he and the proposal document entered a positive feedback loop, shrunk down to a nano black hole, and disappeared with s Poof! It was too bad, He was a good actuary.
Another fine lesson. I feel smarter already.
I can’t wait to impress my Vermont cousins with my impressive new knowledge of Vermont history!
Speaking of ancient history… Pandora just served up this historical artifact.
Those were the days.
An ode to an ancient harlot.
And there are no more Institutes of Adult Entertainment in Richford.
Sad.
Vermont was an Independent Country and besieged by imperious New Yorkers
Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Lower Canada don’t rate?
Training for military action is the opposite of what one might think. Instead of associating ships, cannons, and a particular flag design as bad things that must be treated aggressively, the monsters are trained to see them as “things to play with that it’s OK to jump on”.
🙂
I’m having bad flashbacks of when I was poor trying to wedge this tax bill into my budget.
At least March is a three payday month, so my monthly bills can be shifted to that third paycheck. That leaves me a margin of… $1.44
Crap.
How many packets of instant ramen will that buy these days?
… Two? I think. I have some on hand, and there’s food in the house.
Worst comes to worst, I can use some of my credit. But I want to get rid of my debt, not add to it.
Nuclear war incoming. Go nuts.
I love March. License plates on four vehicles, plus property tax (half year). Followed in April by Fed Gov income taxes and then the State.
I had a lousy year last year, but I still wrote some big checks. This sucks.
I haven’t started my taxes yet. I’ll wait until the end of March.
I do my paperwork as soon as possible – and decide when to file based upon what the math says about who pays who how much.
I did mine. Unfortunately, I’m getting a refund from the Feds. I’m not sure what I did wrong with my withholding when I went to the start-up-that-is-no-more.
Getting ready to send ours off to the CPA. She is yelling at me to get them to her. Meh
I held extra back out of my last couple of paychecks since I owed a (small-ish) penalty for underpayment the last few years – but apparently got it wrong so now I’m getting a big chunk back.
You’re welcome for the free loan, Feds.
*grumble*
I just hope my current withholding continues to produce the desired result – owing, but not enough to be extra painful in April and DEFINITELY not enough that they start demanding quarterly payments. I just don’t feel like messing with the new and “improved” W-4 form.
As long as you pay more then you owed the previous year you shouldn’t have penalties, right?
My stuff is certain to be way off this year. Moved, everyone changed jobs, my wife is self employed…. It’s a tax planning nightmare.
Claim more orphans.
Still working on mine. This could be ugly.
When I was going to high school in upstate New York (and listening to Simon and Garfunkel), Vermont was pretty much regarded as a mythical place.
My buddy is there as we speak. His description:
“dirty oversized sweats and dreadlocks.”
From most of upstate New York one must first traverse a mighty mountain range and then cross a monster-infested lake to reach Vermont. No wonder it’s a myth.
Or, I could just hop on Route 7 East. In forty minutes ot becomes 279 and I’ll know I’ve crossed the border.
VT visitors here have a particular twitchy guilty look to them. Like buskers.
Semi-related: https://peanuts.fandom.com/wiki/Little_Known_Facts?file=19550925.gif
Perfect!
Cool stories, and Queen Lill sounds like an amazing character.
Wretched excess lives
Things get even more outlandish underneath when you realize that this CR-V’s daddy is an IndyCar and its mother is an Acura NSX GT-3 Evo22. The 380mm front brakes and the front suspension are lifted directly out of Acura’s racer, while the rear suspension, radiator, and engine are from a Dallara IR-18, the spec chassis that every IndyCar team must run. Unsurprisingly, that engine is built by Honda, one of two powertrains allowed in the series. The 2.2-liter V6 may be relatively small, but it screams to more than 12,000 rpm and gets assistance from two turbochargers to produce up to 700 horsepower in top race trim and the buzz of ten thousand furious hornets. Oh, and it runs on sustainable fuel, which basically makes this an eco car. I think. Look, let’s not get bogged down in environmental details, what’s really important is that this is a race car disguised as a humdrum crossover, and that’s just flat-out cool.
I could do without the tween-girl squee “journalism” but I have to admit I like it. I’d like it even better if it just had a Honda V6 turbo Formula One motor from the early ’90s.
Pretty sweet. Terrible paint.
Don’t worry we can find a worse CR-V.
https://www.facebook.com/VRItashaStudio/posts/wip-honda-crv-with-himari-uehara-from-bangdream-itasha-design-by-vris-now-we-are/2363377243678390/
Congrats. You did it.
I wonder if Mario will be giving rides in it.
Pretty sweet. Terrible paint.
Flat black or GTFO.
I could live with Gulf livery as well.
primer flat
“This is why men have trust issues.”
https://twitter.com/ApeDurden/status/1630456680386531330
Wild.
In dedthred, a link to a pic with a woman with crazy eyes. Totally looked like a filter to me. Nobody’s eyes are that big unless you’re a Japanese cartoon character.
There is a great episode of New Adventures of Old Christine called Beauty is only Spanx Deep. Ahead of its time I tell ya.
Men have trust issues because women are people, too.
Just finished formatting a choose-your-own adventure puzzle story. It takes some kind of crazy genius to write those fuckers AND create and illustrate the puzzles AND illustrate the rest of it, too.
So, is the book any fun?
I didn’t read it because I don’t like CYA books, but it looked well written and yes, like a fun story.
I used to love those when I was a kid. My mom would take us to a used book store and we’d by a dozen. Turn them in for credit, and get more. I hadn’t thought about that in years. That’s a great memory.
#metoo
I must have read a hundred of those between the ages of 8-14.
#methree
A bit of trivia: Tim Ferriss, the podcaster/author, had the original author of CYA as a neighbor. He’s mentioned it several times.
https://bringatrailer.com/listing/1985-saab-900-turbo-3/
Love this one.
Very nice.
No monster? I was visiting VT, working on Jim Hedbor’s LP campaign. His wife told me a friend of her’s worked as an inspector and repairer of pier pilings and swears he came face to face with Champ while doing some underwater work.
So, a friend, of a friend, of a friend, you say?
Well, Champ is shy so I didn’t have the chance to confirm the encounter with him directly.
Saabs? I had one, for a while. I liked it okay, but I wouldn’t buy another one.
Still have my 2005 9-3 at 200,000 miles.
Still runs good, but it needs a turbo, she is no fun to drive right now.
trying to find a junkyard one, but not having any luck.
That older one is cool.
We used to use truck places to have them rebuilt. Might check that route.
I rebuilt the one on my truck, but can’t find a rebuild kit for the Aero with the higher horsepower, only the lower version for some reason.
Saab enthusiast shop? Thought those were Garrett or Mitsubishi turbos.
I worked at a Volvo dealership when I was a kid and we used to get them all the time. I really liked driving them.
*checks tracking infor on overdue MFCs*
Ah, they’re in Geddes. WTF is Gedded?
*looks up Geddes*
So the legislature used to meet there?
Don’t think it was luxe enough for the Sons of St. Tammany.
And then there is this:
https://bringatrailer.com/listing/1985-nissan-300zx-27/
There’s one of those around here. It’s a true pimpmobile.
If you’re gonna buy that, you need Kramer’s pimp outfit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRIVzA27lA0
LOL. What a great show.
“AM/FM stereo with a Cassette player and a graphic equalizer”
Perfect.
Yup! Remember the “disco smile?”
Made up
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., said she was “attacked” in a restaurant on Monday night.
In a tweet, Greene said she was “attacked” by an “insane woman and screamed at by her adult son. They had no respect for the restaurant or the staff or the other people dining or people like me who simply have different political views.”
“They are self righteous, insane, and completely out of control,” she added.
Greene said she was sitting at her table and working with her staff, but didn’t notice “these people until they turned into demons.”
Greene did not provide the name of the restaurant or evidence to support her claim in her tweet or publicly provide further detail on the matter after her post. No photos or videos of the incident appear to have surfaced online.
——-
Greene, an ally of former President Donald Trump who supported the Jan. 6, 2021, Capitol attack, isn’t a stranger to confrontations with Democrats and others. For example, she heckled President Joe Biden during his State of the Union speech this month, has repeatedly gotten into confrontations with House Democrats and berated a Florida shooting survivor.
Only right wingers engage in terroristic partisan behavior.
And besides, she brought it on herself.
“Greene did not provide the name of the restaurant”
And did them a big favor by not naming them.
“No photos or videos of the incident appear to have surfaced online.”
Which I am sure is completely disqualifying to the Intensely Online journalismists who infest the media.
trying to find a junkyard one, but not having any luck.
Get a turbo off ebay. That’s hat all the cool kids are doing.
That’s an option, but that makes me nervous.
I could buy a new factory one for around $1500.
Aren’t there a bunch of places that rebuild them?
Usually used by the racy and ricer folk, but they do stock rebuilds. Assuming the housing and impeller are ok you may get by with just bearings and miscellaneous.
I have generally had good luck with eBay. Pick a person who has a ton of positive reviews. I find it makes me feel more like a libertarian to take that tiny risk and engage a person directly over ebay than to buy from Amazon or a big box store. eBay usually offers returns too, pick someone who offers that as well.
Syracuse State Institution for Feeble-Minded Children
We’re gonna need a bigger nuthouse.
I love the euphemism treadmill.
Also how it shut down because the former patients were mainstreamed into “public schools.”
I could buy a new factory one for around $1500.
Eek.
“No photos or videos of the incident appear to have surfaced online.”
If you counted coup on the Wicked Witch of the South, you’d immediately go on the Twatters to do your victory dance.
Dunno what this place is doing to my online footprint, but I’m getting shopping suggestions for chastity cages and stills.
https://morewinemaking.com/products/professional-1200l-multi-column-spirits.html
https://www.amazon.com/Alembic-whiskey-moonshine-essential-Copperholic/dp/B0797TJ5MZ
I’m relatively surprised it’s not ads for Reynolds Wrap.
NO SUBSTITUTES
There’s been a large push of home distilling equipment into the home brewing market (and home wine making). Still technically illegal under federal law (from memory, New Zealand is the only country that has legalized home distillation). Several states have lifted their ban on home distilling over the past couple of years.
Tard Tuesday: Betrayed!
TLDR: Reddit is still stupid, uninformed, and belligerent.
“My umbrella doesn’t work unless you use yours” applied to vaccines.
“Other than job requirements, no one is is forced to get vaxed or wear a mask.”
Oh, well, that’s OK then. Just uproot your life because your employer is a virtue-signaling idiot. Don’t be such crybabies.
Why do I suspect this person has a much broader definition of “forcing” for things like, say, abortion policy.
Coercion is coercion is coercion.
Telling an employee “Do X or get fired” is generally considered harassment and a fast track to termination.
You get a choice. Suck my dick or take this experimental injection.
/please ignore when the federal government was mandating it for employees, contractors, and non-employees
Also ignore the “if someone works for a Federal contractor (even if they are adjacent to the primary contract) but doesn’t go to a federal facility they still must be vaccinated” portion either.
Well, apparently a damning report was just released on Biden’s Afghan adventure.
So now I’m suspecting the COVID lab leak story was released as a distraction from that.
Yes. I just assume that every story is placed for a reason.
It’s factions against factions against factions.
When the executive isn’t actually in charge in any meaningful way, it can be expected that the various interested groups will openly compete.
Good lord.
https://twitter.com/JesseKellyDC/status/1630667592934236189
Sunset is getting worse every day.
Shades of the late Soviet Union with even more delusions of grandeur and more weapons. Just fucking fantastic.
The desperation of a politician who likes to make up sympathetic stories but no longer has the facilities to do so credibly or appropriately. That’s just sad.
Biden’s been a grade-A bullshitter for his entire career. You’re exactly correct, he can’t do it anymore but he still tries.
He really plans to run for reelection? He’ll win of course, but damn, this isn’t fun any more.
This is a really good way to look at it. Way back when, Rush used to poke fun at Senator Biden for plagiarizing speeches.
+10 Binders full of women and grab em by the pussy
Telling an employee “Do X or get fired” is generally considered harassment and a fast track to termination.
Especially if “X” = “blow me”
How about X = “Do your effing job”?
When the executive isn’t actually in charge in any meaningful way, it can be expected that the various interested groups will openly compete.
What’s the Russian equivalent of “Kremlinology”?
https://twitter.com/FreeBeacon/status/1630662639733841929
Haven’t heard of this…interesting.
Just where did she learn these things?