“The Russians were supposed to shoot the drone down, Z,” Hunter purred into his satellite phone. “I had the drone in place, and Pootie wouldn’t take the shot.”
“I know you’ve paid me a lot of money,” he continued. “I’m doing what I can.” Hunter ended the call and fed the phone into a shredder.
“Short, tedious man,” Hunter sighed. He smoked a rock of crack, masterbated, showered, masterbated again, got dressed, and drove to his office in his electric rickshaw.
“Palms to grease,” he said, letting himself into his strip mall office front, windows papered over, and CLOSED FOR COVID written on the plate glass in soap. Dark and musty, he picked his way through art projects and duffle bags full of cash to his computer which hummed and thrummed in the dark like a sleeping beast.
Hunter masterbated again, the rush of pornographic images of himself flashing across the computer screen. He wiped himself off with a handful of yuan and took a nap, smoked another rock of crack when he awoke, chipped off a couple of days worth from a crack boulder that took up most of the bathroom and jetted off with a backpack stuffed with cash.
He paid off X and then paid off Y and then paid off Z and then met their daughters in a hotel room, ejaculated once, twice, and thrice more, his aching penis weeping blood.
“I am Hunter Biden!” he announced in a 7/11 and bought all the Takis. He threw them over the fence of a grade school until he heard sirens approaching and zoomed away.
“Daddy!” he cried as he climbed out of the hatch set in the floor of the Presidential Shitter.
“Those tunnels were filled in with concrete!” his daughter Finnegan cried. “I am concrete!” Hunter replied.
“My son, my beautiful son,” Joe said, weeping, gummy yellow tears plopping to his cheeks.
“CASH PARTY!” Hunter screamed and the lights in the Oval Office began to flash and a throbbing beat began. Hunter made it rain in the Oval Office until his backpack was empty. He squeezed Finnegan’s ass when he swooped in to kiss her goodbye and he vanished, a sparkling fart smell lingering.
Pissing against a wall in Anacostia, Hunter said to himself, “Life is good.”
As dawn broke over DC, he laughed and masterbated again.
“I am Hunter Biden!” he announced in a 7/11 and bought all the Taki’s. He threw them over the fence of a grade school until he heard sirens approaching and zoomed away.
OMG. I had no idea what Takis were. Now I’m dead.
Bravo, SF!
Taki’s are a scourge upon the snack scene. Sorta like wasabi almonds.
YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
One of my kids absolutely loves Takis. It’s a thing with that generation.
I like the fuego ones.
Tried the blue heat, but they weren’t all that spicy and the flavor wasn’t as good.
Ron gets it.
The guacamole Takis are where it’s at but they are hard to find.
The guac one’s aren’t spicy enough, but if you mix them with the fuego, they go well with beer.
I see them in a lot of convenience stores – just assumed some kind of cheap Latino corn chip knock-off.
“Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R–Ga.) questioned why “we’re fighting a war in Ukraine, and we’re not bombing the Mexican cartels.” Rep. James Comer (R–Ky.) said it was “a mistake” that former President Donald Trump didn’t bomb “a couple of fentanyl labs, crystal meth labs” in Mexico, referring to Trump’s alleged interest in launching missiles into Mexico to wipe out the cartels.”
I don’t think that the dumbasses in Government realize that y’know, if you bomb another country, regardless of why, they probably won’t like it.
Thing is as well is that, you do this, someone else rises, it’s the same thing with taking out the ‘head’ of ISIS, or countless top men in ISIS, people WILL take their place
And this isn’t Ghost Recon.
https://reason.com/2023/03/14/no-the-u-s-shouldnt-wage-war-against-mexican-cartels/
I’m not sure there are many “fentanyl labs” in Mexico, they probably get most of it from China.
It’s probably mainly coca and crack and weed in Mexico/All of Latin and South American cartels
My understanding is that the chemicals come from China, but the manufacturing is in Mexico.
Same.
American bombs solve all world problems! It is known.
We should just bomb Russia!!! make our money useful. lol
Do it ourselves.
Sounds like the perfect day.
Definitely can masterbate to
Anyone else see the dumb videos on Tik Tok of like Trump, Obama, Biden, Kamala, ETC Playing games together? JoeMala reminds me of that.
There are some fantastic ones of those, especially the DnD ones.
I mainly see Minecraft and Overwatch. I can’t go more than like 3 videos without seeing one.
That was great.
Even funnier when you remember he’s in his jockstrap and scarf ensemble.
Which reminds of the South Park rendition of Mel Gibson when he goes nuts. I believe in a scarf and tighty whiteys if I remember.
With him shouting “My nipples they hurt when I twist them”
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QCCW7dtXDo0
Qapla’
“He’s cuckoo dude!”
That actually caused me a small spit-take
Reading that made me feel like I was flashing back to an acid trip. A very bad trip.
UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ!
Don’t forget the theme song: Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss (NSFW).
Glad I’m not the only one who remebers that one.
Boots and pants and boots and pants!
The rest of the world can only wonder what it’s *really* like for those that would rule us.
We know – we have SugaeFree to show us.
“He wiped himself off with a handful of yuan.”
jetted off
like… literally?
More like “Jet”
Jet?
Groovy!
Jet!
JET!
That vest…
Yeah, I want one too.
Different kind of “jetting off”.
Keeping your crack boulder in the bathroom is just unsanitary.
Hey – he does all of his pissing outdoors.
Bravo!
And simply brilliant allusion to the XYZ Affair.
“letting himself into his strip mall office front, windows papered over, and CLOSED FOR COVID written on the plate glass in soap”
Whenever I see a plain-looking semi with no logos on the highway, I wonder if they are transporting something secret and nefarious for the government. Now I’m going to do the same when I see a “closed” business in a strip mall.
Definitely got a “Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul” vibe from that.
The grossest thing in this story are the fucking gummy tears.
Not grabbing his niece’s ass?
Or is she his daughter? That’s even worse!
Did you miss last week’s episode with the hint of eventual incest?
Probably my brain trying to protect me.
Gross.
niece’sdaughter’sFIFY (*shudder*)
That’s SOP for those fucks.
Panic buying?
An unexpected spending spree by U.S. shoppers seems to have calmed.
Retail spending declined 0.4% in February compared to January, the Commerce Department said on Wednesday. That’s after a surprise start-of-the-year shopping spree that contradicted the Federal Reserve’s goal of cooling down the economy to fight high prices.
People spent about 2% less on cars and parts, and 2.2% less at restaurants and bars, the latest report on retail sales showed. People bought less furniture, fewer clothes as well as home-improvement and gardening supplies. Spending at department stores dipped 4%.
Inflation has been moderating since peaking last summer, but consumer prices in February were still 6% higher than a year ago, data showed this week. People have been shifting more of their budgets toward activities and outings, where prices continue to rise.
Have people given up on trying to get ahead of inflation, or have they just run out of money?
need more helicopter money
We need a bailout!
In response to RJ in the ded thread re: being a stay at home husband/dad….
I wouldn’t be too quick to that choice. I’m a SAHD for 16 years now. It definitely takes a toll in very bad ways. It’s a lot easier to say “Fuck my cultural upbringing and societal expectations”, but not nearly easy enough to actually do it.
I sacrificed everything I might have wanted to be for my family. I don’t necessarily regret that choice, but it’s a choice that has left me hollow in lots of meaningful ways. As you watch your wife go off on fancy business trips and doing Important Things™️, along with the recognition that comes along with doing a good job (she is very good at what she does), while you know your only job of any consequence is to be a taxi driver for your kids, bad things can happen on the inside. It’s a very lonely existence much of the time.
I understand. I would add I am a very old parent, 56 with an 11 year old. I have done plenty in my life. It might still sting, but far less than it would at age 30.
Bless you. I will be 61 next month, and I can’t imagine trying to teach a kid to drive right now. Or raise a teenager in general. I was much younger when we did all that.
Rearing children (younger and younger) in the age of social media is a nightmare. This is especially true when schools teach half their curriculum online and teachers expect to be able to text their students.
Fair. You’ve been able to go out and Accomplish Things™️. It’s probably a great choice at your stage in life. I made that choice when I was 31 and fresh out of grad school, without ever having a career.
My wife and I always knew that one of us would stay home. We didn’t want daycares or nannies to raise our kids. When we both started applying for jobs her prospects were MUCH better than mine. She speaks 5 languages, and had a long employment history with Disney (there was a time when Disney corporate culture was seen as a model to emulate, and so ex-Disney employees were highly sought after). We’d have sacrificed 5 digits of income if I were the one to take a job, which was a non-starter. So into the corporate world she went while I stayed home with the kids.
People are cruel. The amount of shit I still get, even from friends who mean well, is unbelievable. It’s rarely ever direct, most often coming in snide comments or supposed jokes, but it’s ever-going, and comes from everywhere. That feeling inside when one of my wife’s colleagues asks me “What do you do?” is a mix of shame and embarrassment, followed by a deep desire to matter to more people than the (often ungrateful) ones who live at home, even when I know I’ve made a rational choice to do what’s best for our family.
Knowing that the biggest contribution to society I’ll ever make is whatever my children might accomplish is incredibly debilitating emotionally.
It was pointed out to me that we Americans define ourselves by what we do for a living. I can’t even bring myself to say I’m an author because I make almost no money from my books.
My guess is because we (the USA) were built on working hard. Nothing short of the back breaking work (emotional and physical) put in by previous Americans could have created what we have (and are currently losing) in America.
Man was that ever thrown into my face when I got close to a lot of Irish ex-pats (living here).
No Irish ever start out with that, and they are damn slow to get around to it – or as they might put it “who the fuck cares what work you do”?
I worked with an Aussie ex-pat who was quite admiring of how hard Americans work. He got so used to it that when he visited the Aussie or European offices of our company, the lackadaisical and many-breaks-taking office culture annoyed him because they weren’t actually getting anything done.
Honestly, I don’t know how anybody gets anything done with breaks and lunches and meetings and not being allowed to just zone out with the project.
Do you write? Then you are a writer.
Why don’t you just tell them you’re a marine biologist?
But you know I always wanted to pretend to be an architect!
You are giving your kids a hell of an advantage. As an old guy who was fortunate to be very involved with my kids I can tell you that having dad around is so damn important.
No one really gives a fuck what you do for a living. I ask the question because it’s reflexive small talk. And as far as shame and embarrassment, I’d be a lot more ashamed of being gone all the time and raising some shitheads.
Nah, be proud of what you are, not what you do for a living.
Well, they do and they don’t. In the moment, in cocktail conversation, they judge. They may even remember and pity (that’s the fear). But no, they don’t CARE.
But they also don’t find SAH anything to be worth anything. You do lose yourself if you don’t fight every single fucking day not to. A parent lost to the kids, without their own identity or interests, isn’t healthy for them or the parent. Are there things I’d do differently? Absolutely. Would it make a lick of difference in the outcome if I had? I’m not sure.
I actually enjoy talking to people about their jobs (assuming it’s not something I’ve got a good understanding of already), but I am not a normal individual.
Me too, but I like to pick people’s brains.
“Oh, you’re a stay-at-home dad? What do you like about it?”
Wait, that’s not normal?
53 with a young teenager, and I’ll be making the same jump this summer. I guess I’ll find out soon enough if the lack of a day job causes me to despair.
This is why I didn’t give myself over completely to the SAHM thing and went with WAHM. Plus, we needed the money. Anyway, I was an older mom (34 with first kid) and didn’t want to lose my identity to become “my kids’ mom.” No, Dr. Laura, I am NOT my kids’ mom. I am their steward, not their master nor their servant/slave. I still have myself, which is more important than keeping house because I’m never going to go, “I wish I’d done that extra load of laundry that day.” Now, this was all hindered because we made a bad choice in housing that left us broke most of the time so I had to work a lot. But I ALSO needed a creative outlet, so I spent late nights working and writing. My husband and I always had staggered shifts, so the kids and school meetings and doctors’ appointments were always covered by one or the other of us. But as a result, my kids got a lot of freedom their peers did not. One kid did well with it. The other…not so much.
Definitely in the market for a WAH job. But 16 years out of the workforce, nearing 50, still having plenty of dad responsibilities, having to start at the bottom with 23 year olds, and without the time to really build a career really gives me pause.
Screw careers – just do a job, get paid. Career – god I hate that word.
You may hate that word, but it really is an income enhancer.
Since it is commonly used with political – I will never accept it as anything but unclean.
Allow me to say, watching a migration where you’re one of the people getting migrated crash and burn is frustrating as hell at first. But much more entertaining when you realize that you’ve already given notice, so you can take this time to fill out the paperwork for the new position.
We are currently up to 6 hours without working e-mail.
Good overview of Credit Suisse
I really like this guy.
I’m going to assume ‘masterbate’ is being spelled that way to reflect Hunter’s phenomenal proficiency in the act of self gratification.
😉
I just assumed it was related to the “Master [or not] of His Domain” bit.
I was wondering the same thing.
He is superior to us. Masterbating > masturbating.
He does so with a frequency that even 16 year old Juris couldn’t keep pace.
https://www.freep.com/story/entertainment/nightlife/2023/03/15/oberon-day-2023-bells-events-michigan/70011999007/
Oberon Day is just around the corner.
🙂
That’s a good day, not quite as good since Larry had to sell.
However… here in Cleveland, a much more importanter day is coming on Friday, they’ve even created a guide for the noobs.
Today, on the other hand, is the Ides of March.
As long as nobody stops you on the street shouting for you to read their petition, you should be OK, though.
I declined a meeting with a bunch of senators, just to be safe.
Probably the prudent thing to do.
“CASH PARTY!” Hunter screamed and the lights in the Oval Office began to flash and a throbbing beat began. Hunter made it rain in the Oval Office until his backpack was empty. He squeezed Finnegan’s ass when he swooped in to kiss her goodbye and he vanished, a sparkling fart smell lingering.
🙂
From dedthread, @ron said,
I was (coincidentally enough) sewing late one night and binged Rupaul’s Drag Race. It was amusing at first. After a while I had to turn it off. The vague, insidious feeling of despair was getting to me.
Drag is fun for a crowd of sloppy drunk gay dudes.
There is no other appeal or purpose for it IMHO. I watched that show for a couple seasons but lost interest.
Adult drag shows are failing to shock the squares the way they used to.
So, drag features in a book I wrote and I think I did a good job of capturing the point of it, but this was before all these trans-kids and suchlike were gaining traction. I’m not sure I’d write it the same way again.
Well, my perception of it dates back to the last time I attended one which was in the early aughts. I would feel icky attending one today, knowing how its purpose has been perverted.
Yeah, the book is set in 1996, which is … historical? I’m not sure, but yikes.
A beta reader had a difficult time with the story because WhY dOnT yOu HaVe BuRnEr PhOnEs?!one
“Read the date stamp.”
“Oh.”
I was hit on by a drag queen. (S)he asked me and my wife “Do you do threesomes?”
I politely said no. I guess I took it as a complement.
I was into drag when I was a teenager, but I don’t remember it being drunk gay dudes in particular. I had a ’66 Ford with a 390GT that would run through a quarter-mile in the mid-fourteens, which is really hauling ass for a street car, but my buddy had a ’76 Pinto wagon with a 351 Cleveland that would run high elevens. That car was pretty badass.
Or were you talking about something else?
Entirely different kind of pumps.
Which activity was more likely to get a teenage boy laid?
In northeast Iowa in the Seventies? The one that involved cars.
Yeah, I assumed. Too bad I didn’t have a car.
California bill to ban sales of tobacco to people born after 2006
It only bans retail sales. It doesn’t prohibit possession or use. I see a black market opportunity.
So do they, and that’s almost certainly part of the point.
This episode was glorious. Hunter exploits are the best. They’re like eight-balls on a Wednesday afternoon, just what I need.
Wreckers! Parasites!
The shorts have cleaned up during the Silicon Valley Bank (SIVB) and Signature Bank (SBNY) mess.
Short sellers — who aim to profit from a decline in a stock price — of regional banks are up a cool $3.53 billion in March month to date in mark-to-market profits, according to new data from S3 Partners. Shorts are up $2.29 billion in mark-to-market profits in the last three trading days alone.
Silicon Valley Bank and Signature Bank had been in the top 20 most-shorted regional bank stocks, S3 Partners says.
Looks like somebody was paying attention.
Yep.
And we’ll be paying for those who didn’t.
Waaaaahhhhh….
It was those Gamestop folks on that reddit forum, wasn’t it?
Yikes!
This is getting wild, really.
The horses are out of the barn- let’s put padlocks on the outhouses
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) and Rep. Katie Porter (D-Calif.) have introduced a bill to repeal part of a Trump-era bank regulation rollback law in the wake of the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank.
The bill, called the Secure Viable Banking Act, would put banks with at least $50 billion in assets back under strict Federal Reserve oversight and Dodd-Frank Act stress tests. A bipartisan 2018 bill to loosen Dodd-Frank raised that threshold to $250 billion, which exempted Silicon Valley Bank and dozens of other banks from the strictest federal oversight.
Warren, one of the lead Democratic opponents of the 2018 bill, and many of her Democratic colleagues have blamed the Dodd-Frank rollback for Silicon Valley Bank’s collapse.
“In 2018, I rang the alarm bell about what would happen if Congress rolled back critical Dodd-Frank protections: banks would load up on risk to boost their profits and collapse, threatening our entire economy – and that is precisely what happened,” Warren said in a Tuesday statement.
“President Biden called on Congress to strengthen the rules for banks, and I’m proposing legislation to do just that by repealing the core of Trump’s bank law.”
Why do I assume this “fix” would have had no preventive effect whatsoever? But regulators gotta regulate.
Maybe she should introduce a bill making it illegal for the Fed to raise interest rates.
My god, I can’t believe we’re still cleaning up Trump’s disasters.
“a bill to repeal part of a Trump-era bank regulation rollback law in the wake of the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank”
Why do they need legislation for that? Can’t the agencies just reinstitute the old regs? Hell, they could even call it an emergency and do away with all that tedious public review and comment stuff.
One theory: The banks don’t want the old regs back, and this is just a way to squeeze them to prevent that from happening.
Actually, the whole SVB fiasco didn’t need any Dodd-Frank regulations. The Bank Holding Company, at least, and it looks like the state member bank would have been subject to Fed safety and soundness oversight. I know its popular to try to blame it on deregulation, but banks have had regulatory oversight for a very, very, long time.
I like the accusation that a bank which was completely dominated by Democrats, on the board, in the executive offices, among shareholders, among depositors, among loan clients somehow failed because Trump stopped the government from being their daddy.
Why do they need legislation? Good question. I posed that on twitter after the train derailment. If Trump could use an EO to remove regulations, why couldn’t Biden just add them back with another EO? It’s not like he’s got any qualms about using them. The response was “well it’s more complicated to add them back” or something, which is a tell that the whole idea was bullshit to begin with.
Neph, you Blood Hound Gang song link put me into a dammed youtube spiral.
Such a stupid fun band.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaGKxAgCguU
Yes, yes they are. There’s almost nothing redeeming about them, which makes it even better.
Another band to spiral with: Psychostick – Sober on St. Patrick’s Day
Democrats who supported the 2018 rollback law have argued that Silicon Valley Bank failed due to serious mismanagement and that stress tests would not have necessarily revealed the danger facing the bank.
The so called “stress tests” don’t consider interest rate changes? WTF?
Quantitative Easing was a temporary government program.
“Over a long enough timeline . . . .”
It should have been called “qualitative easing”.
Here’s an interesting article on people who do clinical trials. Seems to me that the fact that they are ump-tuple dipping might make any of those trial results suspect.
Either way it looks like Russian pilots doing Russian pilot things.
Yesterday, U.S. officials reported that a USAF MQ9 drone crashed after allegedly being disabled by one of two Russian Su-27 fighter jets. The Gateway Pundit reported that U.S. European Command claimed that the Russian fighters dumped fuel on the drone, flew in front of it and eventually collided with it, breaking it’s propeller and forcing U.S. controllers to crash the drone into the sea.
Now we have a conflicting claim from the Russian Defence Ministry.
ABC News is also reporting that the Russian Defence Ministry says the drone “sharply maneuvered, crashed after encounter with Russian jets near Russia’s border.”
Video footage has surfaced from Funker530 that allegedly shows one of the Russian fighters doing a “fly by” on the MQ9 drone. The validity of this footage has not been confirmed by any US officials, however, it is simply a “fly by” and does not show any of the controversial actions alleged to have occurred.
“Su me.”
One thing that I am struggling with:
Those drones have a small propellor in the back. Flying in front of it is going to do jack to the propellor. You’d have to come up from behind and stick the nose of your plane into the propellor. That just seems really, really unlikely to me. Caveat: but what do I know?
It seems like if you were tasked with bringing it down, but not shooting it down, you would try to flip it with the wing, like the RAF did with V-1 buzzbombs in WWII.
https://www.wearethemighty.com/mighty-history/v1-missiles-ww2-british-pilots/
Jet wash. Jk, Idk…
Talk to me, Reaper..
I doubt they collided on purpose.
A friend of mine pointed out that it would be hard to clip the propeller without also clipping the rear wings — just look at a picture of one.