Joemala: Episode 103

by | Mar 22, 2023 | Joemala | 215 comments

 

“Do I look like me?” Joe asked suddenly. Finnegan thought he had fallen asleep in a sunbeam.

“Do you look like you?” Finnegan asked, confused. “Of course you do. Who else would you look like?”

“T-t-t-t-t-t-wit-” Joe stuttered and compensated by feebly whistling a notification sound. “Some, they, people saying I’m Joe but not Biden.”

“Twitter is a sewer, Grandpa,” Finnegan said. “You can’t believe anything on there. It’s misinformation.”

Joe groaned and stood, shuffling to a mirror on the wall. “I don’t think I look like me.”

He pawed at his reflection in the glass. He raised his eyebrows. They went far too high on his forehead. He stuck out his tongue, pasty and white, rimmed with sores from where his white white white giant teeth kept biting it when he chewed. He kept touching the glass so he could remember it was all real.

“Do I look like me?” he whispered.

“Am I someone else?” he asked his cold reflection.

He lashed out with arthritic knuckles.

“Grandpa?” Finnegan asked. “What are you doing?”

“That’s NOT ME!” Joe wailed, pointing at himself in the mirror.

“It’s you, Grandpa!” Finnegan said.

Joe tore the horror from the wall and smashed it against the Resolute Desk, finger-long shards flying, Finnegan yelping in shock.

A Secret Service agent burst into the room.

“We’re OK, we’re OK!” Finnegan told him as he took in the shattered mirror and twisted brass frame.

“I’ll send up housekeeping, ma’am,” he told Finnegan and was gone, the curved door closing behind him like a sigh.

“Why aren’t I me?” Joe asked in anguish.

“You are you, you are you,” Finnegan said tugging on Joe’s arm to get him away from the broken glass.

“I don’t want to see him again,” Joe said quietly. “That’s not me, all-all-all old.”

“Did you cut yourself, are you bleeding?”

“Bleeding?”

“Did you cut yourself on the glass?”

“Glass?”

“I’m going to get you something to help calm you down.”

Joe nodded and smiled up at her from the couch she had steered him to. The thin tight skin stretched over the bones of his face pushed up and then fell down, spotted, grotesque. He wanted for one wild second to tear it off, just to see who would be in the mirror afterward.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

215 Comments

  1. DEG

    “I don’t want to see him again,” Joe said quietly. “That’s not me, all-all-all old.”

    Tough. It is you.

  2. pistoffnick

    Poor Finn.

  3. Warty

    Has anyone thought to administer the Voight-Kampff Test on him?

    • WTF

      He’s definitely nearing the end of his replicant life span, the way his functions are all going haywire.

    • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

      “Tell me about… Your daughter.”

  4. Michael Malaise

    Today, on a very special Joemala …

    • WTF

      No kidding. While not vomit-inducing, it’s definitely…creepy.

      • R.J.

        I had sympathy. Growing old and looking in the mirror sucks sometimes.

      • WTF

        Yeah, I often wonder who that old fuck in the mirror is, and how things got this way.

      • Fourscore

        There’s a stranger in my house as well, some old sumbitch. I bet it’s the same guy that gets first taste of the food so all I ever have is leftovers.

        If I ever catch him outside there’s gonna be some hell to pay.

      • R C Dean

        Same here. I can very easily see someone who is well on their way into senile dementia doing exactly this. It’s pitiable.

        That said, FJB.

  5. Yusef drives a Kia

    Dorian Biden?

    • WTF

      Shot through a “They Live” filter no doubt.

      • Sean

        He looked so freaky then, which is why I took the pic.

      • Fourscore

        Still the same guy, a little less cognizant but he never was Mr Sharpie.

  6. juris imprudent

    Tear the skin off? And reveal the lizard underneath?

  7. The Late P Brooks

    He wanted for one wild second to tear it off, just to see who would be in the mirror afterward.

    Nobody. Nobody at all.

    • juris imprudent

      The abyss stares back.

      • UnCivilServant

        The Abyss is good people, I don’t get why so many malign him.

  8. The Other Kevin

    There you go, toying with our emotions again. I almost feel sorry for the guy, then I think of that speech he made with the stormtroopers, and I get over it.

  9. hayeksplosives

    Man.

    This one is profoundly sad.

  10. Scruffyy Nerfherder

    I kept waiting for Hunter to appear.

    Where’s my Hunter?

  11. Penguin

    Good one, SF

  12. Tundra

    He really does look worse every day.

    He wanted for one wild second to tear it off, just to see who would be in the mirror afterward.

    Nothing. A vantablack void.

    • kinnath

      My mind went there too . . . . .

  13. Rebel Scum

    Ironic thing is that they are both white.

    When Robin DiAngelo says it, it’s inspirational and she gets paid $20k. When Scott Adams says it, it’s racist and he loses his job

    • kinnath

      White people should avoid black people is racist

      Black people should avoid white people is woke

    • The Other Kevin

      I can’t stand her. She’s made millions exploiting black people and the left just loves her.

      • juris imprudent

        Correction, she does not exploit black people. She gets all her lucre from stupid, stupid people; exploiting the stupid is a time honored American tradition.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Exactly. You only need to find people slightly more stupid than yourself. The part that really concerns me is how many people there are that are somehow dumber than Robin DiAngelo.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      I’ve also heard that a lot of black people don’t like going out to the sticks for fear of what some idiot might do to them. Much like many of us might avoid the inner city. It seems to me that by avoiding the sticks, blacks are already following Adams’ advice but in reverse. He just committed the sin of saying it out loud, and in the wrong direction.

      • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

        The emperor has no clothes.

      • R C Dean

        “I’ve also heard that a lot of black people don’t like going out to the sticks for fear of what some idiot might do to them.”

        50 years ago? Not irrational.

        Today? Somebody has been filling their heads with garbage.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Maybe, but apparently it’s a thing. My brother took a black friend of his fishing in the Sierra foothills. He was bad dude, like Cornpop. He grew up in E. St. Louis and had done time in prison for manslaughter. Apparently the guy was nervous and jumpy and my brother asked him about it. He said black people feel about the sticks the same way whites feel about the inner city. He knows the ghetto is dangerous. He knew that if he had stayed in E. St. Louis he’d probably be dead or back in prison. That’s why he moved to CA. But it’s a danger he knows.

    • rhywun

      No matter how many books you read, how many times you “repent,” you’re never considered any “holier” or more anti-racist. Tell me, what’s the point of “doing the work”

      That’s a very good question.

  14. Fourscore

    Thanks, SF, at least today lunch can be eaten at the regular time.

    While I laugh at Joe as does everyone else I do feel sorry for him and all the political strap hangers that just won’t go home and bake cookies (if it’s not dangerous to themselves or others) for their grandchildren. The mistake some of us make is believing everything will fold if we leave. It won’t, if you have done a good job in preparation.

    • Certified Public Asshat

      I do feel sorry for him

      Don’t do it. Although this particular installment had me feeling sorry before I buried those awful feelings.

      • R C Dean

        Concur. I would feel sorry for them if they weren’t hanging onto power with a death grip in order to line their pockets. It’s not they have to remain in office and are making sacrifices for the greater good.

        Power-mad sociopaths deserve no sympathy.

  15. Certified Public Asshat

    The President is 80, and in the middle of his term.

    We do not spend enough time thinking about how fucked this is.

    • juris imprudent

      Obama was younger – was that any better?

      • Sean

        He did manage to sell a shit ton of guns…

      • Certified Public Asshat

        In the sense that at least it pretends the job is important, yes.

      • Drake

        A bit better. His warmongering had limits.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Disagree. His warmongering was far more successful at getting off the ground. There was no meaningful resistance to Syria or Libya anywhere.

      • Drake

        There is the story of Putin taking Obama aside at a conference without any neo-con handlers present, and quickly hammering out an agreement that avoided a wider war there.

    • R C Dean

      And in the middle of his first term. If the Dems are trying to knock him off the ticket, they are going to have to up their game. Their biggest problem is, if not Joe, who? Kamala would be like Hillary – one of the few Dems who could lose to Trump. Newsom? I just don’t see that greasy hairball getting much traction outside of the Deep Blue. Buttigieg? After his catastrophic and very public failures as SecTrans, I don’t even think his My Gay Dad mojo would get it done.

    • invisible finger

      I don’t mind that he’s 80. I do mind that his behavior is exactly the same as it was 45 years ago.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    The President is 80, and in the middle of his term.

    We do not spend enough time thinking about how fucked this is.

    Joe Biden is the only person in this country qualified for the job. That’s why he is President.

    • juris imprudent

      No sane person would want to be President.

      • Grosspatzer

        Catch-22 in reverse. In order to be President one must be sane. Running for President proves one is insane…

        No one can be President. Libertopia!

      • Gender Traitor

        I’d like to sign up for your newsletter, please.

      • Swiss Servator

        Are you kidding?! I’d love it. I’d screw up every executive agency I could, invade Andorra and then flee into exile with a helicopter full of money.

      • Penguin

        invade Andorra

        Oooooh… so many tempting targets – Lichtenstein, Luxembourg… Just think of the control you could have of giant multinational corporations incorporated in your territory…mmm, yes (untents fingers)

      • R C Dean

        Day Two of the Dean Administration would see a raft of executive orders suspending or repealing regulations, freezing hiring, and the termination of every political appointee, flag officer, and US Attorney (and AUSA) in the country.

        It would be Day Two, because I’d be too drunk on Day One to do anything put piss off the White House balcony.

      • Not Adahn

        What did the balcony ever do to you?

      • Animal

        I’d leave most of the heavy lifting raping to my VP, STEVE SMITH.

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        STEVE SMITH IN CHARGE OF APPROPRIATIONS NOW

      • juris imprudent

        STEVE SMITH GIVE INJECTION OF FEDERAL MONEY

      • juris imprudent

        every executive agency I could

        The bureaucrats would just sigh and patiently wait for your impeachment or end of term.

        invade Andorra

        Hahahaha, the EUCOM bureaucracy probably can’t even find Andorra.

        a helicopter full of money

        Worth less than the fuel it costs to run it.

        Besides, you do have to get elected first.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    She’s made millions exploiting black people and the left just loves her.

    “One f us. One of us. Gooble gobble, one of us.”

  18. Rebel Scum

    ReThUgLiCaN oBsTrUcTiOn

    Berman said, “That’s a pretty strong word. What exactly do you mean by obstruction?”

    Goldman said, “Well, when you look at the threats, when you look at the accusations and when you look at the inflammatory language in that letter in particular, it is very clear that they are trying to influence, put it that way, Alvin Bragg in some way. Influencing a prosecutorial decision or witness testimony or otherwise can be obstruction of justice. I’m not saying that they have committed a crime here, but I think what is very clear is that they are trying to interfere and influence this investigation without knowing the facts and without knowing the evidence. Essentially they’re trying to put Donald Trump above the law. That is antithetical to our fundamental rule of law, which is that our government is one of laws, not men.”

    They keep using this term. I do not think it means what they think it means.

    • WTF

      Progjection

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      What if the law is being stretched to the point of being meaningless by a corrupt prosecutor who would be fired and disbarred in a sane area? Go fuck yourself.

      • juris imprudent

        What if the law…

        Does it hurt my enemies? Then the law is good! If it hurts my friends, the law is being abused.

    • Compelled Speechless

      Rule of law = rule by lawyers and the elite institutions that educate them.

      • Lackadaisical

        Was it really ever any different?

  19. Drake

    Opinions on the health effect deleted of uranium weapons? Seems the Russians are really upset about the Brits sending DU warheads. Odd since they don’t seem to care about the tanks themselves. I know they work better than the alternatives but the dust appears to be poisonous (chemically and maybe radioactively).
    https://www.mapw.org.au/depleted-uranium-weapons/

    • Fatty Bolger

      I don’t know about DU, but it’s undeniable that war is bad for your health.

      • juris imprudent

        Democratic Underground is very, very bad for your mental health.

      • R.J.

        Yes, the dust is very poisonous. And it goes in a big cloud everywhere and on everything.

    • Lackadaisical

      Well, if they delete uranium they might be a pretty cool anti nuclear weapon. So, probably good for the environment.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Depleted uranium is both radioactive and chemically very toxic, not the kind of stuff I’d want around. If the Russian tanks are as shit as the West likes saying they are it seems like tungsten would suffice.

      • Not Adahn

        I don’t think tungsten has the pyrophoric effects of uranium though.

  20. Grosspatzer

    Even Orwell didn’t anticipate this.

    https://nypost.com/2023/03/22/german-brewery-creates-powdered-beer/

    “By simply adding a couple of spoons of powder into a glass, adding water and giving it a stir, beer enthusiasts can make their favorite drink without having to open the fridge.

    The biblical-like creation is intended to help reduce the heavy carbon footprint beer exports generate, with one 355ml bottle equivalent to .8 miles of driving.”

    Victory Beer, saving the planet one pint at a time.

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m not even a beer drinker and I’m appalled.

      • The Hyperbole

        I understand not having any interest, but appalled seems like an over reaction.

      • UnCivilServant

        Some things just aren’t done.

      • The Hyperbole

        Meh, I like beer, I’d try a powdered beer, got no problem with it.

      • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

        I am with Hype on this. It would be great on a backpacking trip.

      • EvilSheldon

        I’d be willing to give it a try for this alone. It’d have to be some pretty good beer to replace the old standby of Everclear, stream water, and Gatorade mix…

      • KSuellington

        Absolutely with Zwak. I see the use for backpacking immediately. I can never justify more than 3-4 cans in my pack. This will enable me to get a beer buzz far from civilization. Awesome.

      • Penguin

        We’re all living someplace that has some kind of severe hazard potential. Having 48-96 of those packets could come in handy. Also, when you come to realize you don’t have enough beer for the evening, but you’ve already drank yourself into DUI territory or state law prevents you from buying.

        I’d think of it as emergency beer.

      • Sean

        Prepper supplies.

    • R.J.

      I expect to see this reviewed soon.

    • Drake

      Alcohol free? Or can alcohol be reduced to powder somehow?

      • R.J.

        Article indicated it is currently non-alcoholic, the team is working on alcoholic. I don’t see how that would work.

      • R.J.

        There is such a thing as dehydrated alcohol (annhydrous ethanol) but it isn’t a tasty treat. And it’s pretty volatile.

      • Lackadaisical

        Maybe it will come with a shot of vodka.

      • R.J.

        An eyedropper of Everclear would save another .04 of a mile.

      • The Hyperbole

        Article says it Alcohol free now but they have a leaded version in the works.

      • Penguin

        Oh. Then it is Satanic. Good catch.

    • Gender Traitor

      Soon to be trending on TikTok: teens snorting beer powder.

      • Compelled Speechless

        ***Groomer teachers, congressmen and catholic priests all lean in closer and grunt “go on” in unison***

    • Compelled Speechless

      “The heavy carbon footprint beer exports generate, with one 355ml bottle equivalent to .8 miles of driving.”

      I would love to see how they came up with that ludicrous statistic. Driving what? A semi-truck or an RC car? If you want people to take science seriously, maybe you should be careful about making unserious claims.

      • UnCivilServant

        How much energy does powderizing the beer take? I mean you first brew something, then you have to force the water out, it’s probably more energy intensive than just shipping the beer.

    • Lackadaisical

      ‘almost mimics the look of beer on tap,’

      Okay, how about taste and the other important factors?

      “Currently, the powder creates a non-alcoholic beverage; however, Mr. Fritsche said an alcoholic version will be available soon which he hopes he’ll be able to export globally”

      A huh.

      “The beer connoisseur claims his product tastes “just like normal regular beer” and its appearance also looks similar to a typical carbonated beer as it foams up once mixed. ”

      I’d be willing to give it a try, if it actually tastes like beer, and had some alcohol in it.

      • R.J.

        I think a review Zoom party would be in order. Just to see the faces.

    • Nephilium

      It’s not a new thing. Powdered beer has been attempted before (for backpacking and the like), it… did not do well.

      Cans are lighter than bottles, have less breakage, and can be recycled. Moving to cans would be the better option.

      • R.J.

        Agreed. A lot of places here use cans now. Also cans are pool-friendly which is a big deal down South. How about cardboard growlers? Like for wine? Might as well think crazy.

      • Nephilium

        Never seen a cardboard growler, there are crowlers (cans that are sealed at the brewery) available, and in the before times there was a company pitching mylar pouches as single use “growlers”. They could be filled, and then heat sealed as a way to sell to go beer/wine/cocktails in various sizes. The smaller sizes (16 ounces and below) even had a little weak point where you could insert a straw.

        In short, capri-sun pouches for adults.

      • R.J.

        Business Opportunity!

      • Penguin

        Powdered beer has been attempted before (for backpacking and the like)

        That seems pointless. You’d have to carry 12 ounces of water, why not carry cans?

      • Nephilium

        The concept was that you’d be purifying water anyway, so you could just mix up a beer with that purified water. I think the best review I saw of it was along the line of: it was better than carrying a can the whole way.

      • Sensei

        Just carry 100% grain and the drink powder of your choice. After a bit of backpacking you aren’t going to be picky.

      • EvilSheldon

        See above.

        Also, Everclear runs pretty well in my cat can stove.

        Plus, when you mix Everclear 50/50 with water, you don’t need to worry about filtering the water first.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      I’d rather drink cheap gin with a splash of cloves and saccharine, thank you very much.

      • Sean

        Cheap gin?

        This place has gotten creepy!

      • juris imprudent

        [monocle falls from eye, dangles by cord]

    • Rebel Scum

      help reduce the heavy carbon footprint beer exports generate

      Fuck. Off.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        I don’t know about the carbon footprint, but some beers give me a hell of a methane footprint.

  21. Rebel Scum

    That didn’t take long.

    “It’s time to put down your weapons, weapons that should never have been wielded,” Lula said after winning last year’s presidential election in contentious circumstances. “Guns kill and we choose life.”

    Lula has now given owners an ultimatum of March 31 to bring their guns to their nearest police station for inspection and registration in a national government database.

    In April, Lula will order a presidential decree forcing owners to turn over any firearms in excess of the new three-per-person rule, or face arrest and prosecution, Brazil’s justice minister, Flávio Dino, told the Journal.

    “Any gun that is not declared will be considered an illegal weapon…they’ll be committing a crime,” said Dino, adding that a failure to comply could result in two to four years in prison plus an unlimited fine.

    The history of socialism betrays this assertion.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Never fails. What are the odds that those guns eventually end up in the hands of his hard core supporters? They have a democracy to protect, after all.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      We choose life. Now turn over your guns or we’ll kill ya.

      • Fatty Bolger

        That’s what I was expecting.

      • Not Adahn

        I was hoping for the scene from Trainspotting.

      • Nephilium

        That was the other thing I was thinking about linking.

      • Ted S.

        I had the same thing in mind.

    • Grumbletarian

      Gonna be an epidemic of boating accidents soon.

  22. Aloysious

    I have a theory. Wild and crazy, but yet…

    What if SF is going to do a reveal, where we find out Joe and Hunter have switched minds. It would explain the disconnect from reality on Joe’s part and the irrational hedonistic crazed hookers and blow lifestyle of Hunter. Gropey Joe is living his second youth in the body of Hunter, just like Bill Clinton is living a second youth through Chelsea. The process is the result of alchemical experimentation from ancient secret Lemurian tablets discovered by Al Gore at the top of a lonely mountain whilst trekking across the world filming his movie Inconvenient Truth and inventing the Internet.

    Why didn’t Al Gore do the mind swap? He did. He is now known as Greta Thunberg.

    I can’t wait for the next to see what happens next week.

    • R.J.

      I’d love to see the scowl comparison. In my mind, All Gore and Thunberg have very similar scowls. Question to OMWC – if Thunberg is really Al Gore, does your offer still stand?

  23. hayeksplosives

    I hope it’s ok to go OT now!

    Nerd humor incoming.

    Nerds

    Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.

    The cop asks Heisenberg “Fo you have any idea how fast you were going?”

    Heisenberg replies “No, but we know exactly where we are!”

    The officer looks at him confused and says “You were going 108 miles per hour!”

    Heisenberg throws up his hands and says “Great! Now we’re lost!”

    Cop looks over at Schrödinger and asks if the two men have anything in the trunk.

    “Yeah, a cat,” replies Schrödinger.

    The cop opens the trunk and exclaims “Hey, this cat is dead!”

    “Well he is NOW!” Schrödinger angrily replies.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Heh

    • PieInTheSky

      I knew it as

      “Do you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?

      Now we do…”

      without the angry part and I prefer it that way

      yes yes I am spoiling the joke but it is an old joke

    • UnCivilServant

      Rule of three, needs another named character.

    • The Hyperbole

      That can’t be a nerd joke, I found it funny and I’m not a nerd.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Heisenberg squints at the cop, looking carefully. He says, “Hey… you look familiar to me.”

      The cop says “I’m Albert Einstein.”

      Heisenberg says “Herr Einstein! Surely you will let us fellow physicists off without a ticket?”

      Einstein, shaking his head, says, “Ach, no! You quantum physicists! You can never understand the gravity of the situation!”

    • Sean

      I didn’t know they still made them.

      • R.J.

        Yes. The convertible is a pretty good rental. Very cramped otherwise.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Bezos gave him a hundred million bucks and now he isn’t as reliant on telling lies for a living as he once was.

    • Raven Nation

      I heard one of the CATO guys being interviewed right in the middle of their extreme TDS arguing that he would have wanted to know about the Stormy Daniels payout before the election. I thought this odd since, in earlier interviews, he’d always indicated that he would vote for a dead tree before he’d vote for Trump so not sure how it would have changed his vote.

      • UnCivilServant

        “I was all against him until I found out he paid off porn stars. Now I can wait to vote for him.”

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        Would he have wanted to hear about a confirmed Biden laptop before the election?

      • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

        Libertarian moment?

    • R.J.

      I read down in the comments, because I hate myself, and I saw this: “Van Jones is the Alan Dershowitz of Jonathan Turleys.” What does that even mean?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        It means “I’m a retard.”

      • R.J.

        That makes sense.

      • Rebel Scum

        He is not toeing the party line just like the old school Dems Dersh and Turley.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Ah, the old “What happened to (fill in the name of the lefty who isn’t towing the lion)?” template.

      • juris imprudent

        Flip side of that coin, some lefty says something you agree with – “yeah but he’s still _____”.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Yep. Don’t even have to scroll down more than maybe 20 tweets to find someone posting the Samuel Jackson “Uncle Tom” from Django. For what? Asking what the motives of the DA (an elected politician) are for bringing these charges at this time? I’m going to go out on a limb and say that not one person in these comments can name a single other Van Jones hot take or has any idea what he thinks despite having about as much time on this sort of cable news farce as anyone alive. For a bunch of anti-racists, they sure are racist.

    • Michael Malaise

      Jones has at times strayed from the narrative.

    • Lackadaisical

      I thought Asians were supposed to be smart.

      • Drake

        They had smarter Asians working at Ho Chi Minh City airport.

    • juris imprudent

      It was the 3 foot long tube that gave them away?

      • Sensei

        Too beaucoup, too beaucoup!

      • rhywun

        STEVE SMITH HAVE 3-FOOT-LONG TUBE, JUST SAYIN’

  24. Mojeaux

    TFW you give your 19yo daughter instructions on what to do if something happens to you and your spouse.

    “Make diamonds out of our ashes.”

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      Mine are more like:

      “Under no circumstances are you to trust your aunt with any money.”

    • The Other Kevin

      “Clear the browser history on all the computers, and don’t open that box in the night stand.”

    • slumbrew

      “Avenge us!”

  25. The Late P Brooks

    “The heavy carbon footprint beer exports generate, with one 355ml bottle equivalent to .8 miles of driving.”

    That drives me nuts. Driving -what- .8 miles? A Fiat 500? A tractor trailer? A 500 cubic inch Cadillac Eldorado?

    • Nephilium

      Driving an ebike.

    • rhywun

      These people are mentally ill. Do us all a favor and seal yourselves inside so nobody has to deal with your “carbon footprint”.

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      A long long time ago

      • Certified Public Asshat

        But we got him this time?

    • Compelled Speechless

      I’ll bet there’s a really good supercut of corporate news hacks saying “the walls are closing in” out there. I’ll bet it’s like 10 hours long.

      • The Other Kevin

        Seems to be the phrase of the week.

      • rhywun

        Phrase of the last six years and change.

    • Grumbletarian

      “The walls are closing in” people are now suffering from a seven year long case of blueballs.

    • Drake

      So if the NYPD starts roughing up Trump, does the Secret Service jump in and we get to watch a cop fight? If he goes to jail, does his security detail go with him?

      Clown World viewers want to know.

      • The Other Kevin

        I’m sure you’ll find plenty of “what to expect” articles on CNN and MSNBC. I haven’t looked, and I’m happy for you that you haven’t either.

      • Drake

        No spoilers!

      • Ownbestenemy

        “Perp walk”..

      • rhywun

        Can CNN viewers hold it in long enough…?

    • Not Adahn

      Less than two hours until they have to pay the arresting officers overtime.

    • R C Dean

      Well, they cancelled today’s grand jury session, and it likely won’t meet again until next week, so something went off the rails.

      Probably the polls showing that indicting Trump would make him a more popular candidate.

  26. The Late P Brooks

    @JoeNBC on Trump likely being indicted today: “The walls are closing in”

    It’s always good to know what Morning Joke thinks.

  27. Sensei

    Sometimes you have to be stern with your children.

    Sofia Coppola’s daughter says she was grounded for trying to charter a helicopter

    In a since-deleted TikTok video making the rounds on social media, the younger Mars tells her followers to “Make a vodka sauce pasta with me because I’m grounded.”

    “Because I tried to charter a helicopter from New York to Maryland on my dad’s credit card because I wanted to have dinner with my camp friend,” she says.

    • Lackadaisical

      Tough life.

    • R C Dean

      How much would a chartered helicopter from NY to MD cost?

      Just to have dinner. What a stupid hint.

  28. Scruffyy Nerfherder

    YOU WILL SAY GAY

    https://www.miamiherald.com/news/politics-government/article273376315.html

    The Walt Disney Company will host a major conference promoting lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights in the workplace in Central Florida this September, gathering executives and professionals from the world’s largest companies in a defiant display of the limits of Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis’ campaign against diversity training. Disney’s decision to host the conference this fall comes amid a yearlong dispute between the company and the Republican governor, who signed a law that ended decades of autonomy at the Disney resort. It was seen as punishment over the company’s opposition to Florida’s Parental Rights in Education legislation, known widely as the state’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill, which prohibits any discussion of sexual orientation or gender identity in classrooms before fourth grade.

    Dozens of iconic American companies — including Apple, McDonald’s, Uber, Walmart, Hilton, Amazon, Boeing, Cracker Barrel and John Deere — are sponsoring the Out & Equal Workplace summit, which over 5,000 people are expected to attend. Several agencies, including the State Department and the CIA, are listed as government partners and will have booths at the conference.

    Go ahead, die on the hill of sexualizing children.

    • The Other Kevin

      It would be nicer if they held a major conference on how to look presentable and treat customers professionally.

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        They’re too busy grooming kids to worry about that.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I never thought introducing under tens to the joys of discussing anal sex and self-mutilation would be a political football that major companies tacitly support but here we are.

      • Drake

        Maybe make the parks enjoyable?

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        I’m going to laugh heartily if the activists get control of the conference and start saying perverted shit that scares the corporate attendees.

    • rhywun

      The State Department and the CIA are out to prove that they can pointlessly virtue signal with the best of them.

    • Michael Malaise

      The T’s are really fucking it up for the Ls, Gs, and Bs.

    • Rebel Scum

      promoting lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights

      They have the same rights as everyone else. And you will not compel my speech.

      Apple, McDonald’s, Uber, Walmart, Hilton, Amazon, Boeing, Cracker Barrel and John Deere

      The last two are surprising to me.

      • Compelled Speechless

        They shouldn’t surprise you. There are only 5 major corporations that control literally every major company in America. I believe those are both subsidiaries of Sheinhardt Wig Corporation who as you know, also owns GE, MSNBC and the company that produces the androids that serve on GE’s board and pretend to be the journalist on MSNBC.

  29. The Late P Brooks

    “Because I tried to charter a helicopter from New York to Maryland on my dad’s credit card because I wanted to have dinner with my camp friend,” she says.

    Who among us hasn’t wanted to call in the extraction chopper, at some point?

    • Sean

      I’d rather be able to call in air strikes.

    • Sensei

      Do remember that grandpa gave us “Apocalypse Now” and “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”.

  30. Sensei

    Stock Market the past hour

    Yeah – only 25bp! Happy days!

    Sigh… he’s guiding continued higher on labor and prices. Sell, sell!

  31. Ownbestenemy

    Lol so no Trump indictment today? Heads will explode and police OT budgets will akyrocket

    • R.J.

      What’s the over/under on a punt? Grand jury meets again and decides against charges.

      • Compelled Speechless

        “Not enough protestors showed up to produce good Reichstag fire footage. Call the whole thing off. Reset the walls to pre-pending closing in.”

    • Sean

      But…but…they set up all those bike racks!!!

    • R C Dean

      The Repubs/ MAGAs should just start bussing all the homeless crazies they can find to wherever the announcement/arrest will be made. Just for the pointless spectacle and vein-bulging spittle-flecked denunciations.

  32. The Late P Brooks

    Do remember that grandpa gave us “Apocalypse Now” and “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”.

    Maybe she was doing her own version of the “Shit. I’m still in Saigon.” scene.

  33. Ownbestenemy

    Three days on a row working on these radars was not the best time to break in new boots. My dogs are barking

  34. The Late P Brooks

    only 25bp! Happy days!

    Now all he has to do is buy up a few trillion dollars’ worth of bank assets at face value. Problem solved.

    • creech

      Just great. There goes another four figures off my regional bank stock.