While I’m resting at the second aid stop of the Mammoth Tuff bike race, my wife calls me. “We have a 5:30 reservation for dinner at Austria Hof. That’s all they had available. You going to make it?”
“It’s 3 o’clock now? It’s only 10 more miles. I’ll be back in time.” In reality I wasn’t so sure. I had 65 miles in my legs already. The altitude, between 6,000 and 8,000 feet, was grinding me down. There was still 1,000 feet of climbing to go. And there was a 25 mph headwind gusting up to 35 mph.
I was beat. I should have listened to the organizers’ words. “Tough” is right there in the name. “It will be hard” were the first words on the website. One of the organizers warned “You will go to dark places mentally.” I had dismissed that as macho marketing. Like “You’ll grow a third testicle. Or a replacement if you’re Lance Armstrong.” But they weren’t kidding.
Going into the ride, the distance didn’t concern me. I’ve ridden much more than 75 miles. The elevation gain, about 5,000 feet, didn’t bother me either. I’ve done nearly double that. The gravel didn’t concern me either. Sure, it’s harder than riding on asphalt, but I’ve done long gravel rides before. How I’d react to the altitude was a bit of an unknown. At that altitude there’s only about 75% of the oxygen at sea level, but I figured I could just ride a little slower than usual. The wind was something I didn’t anticipate.
The day started bright and early with the prerequisite pre-race strutting and dick measuring contest. It was cold, so I pulled up my lycra shorts and made my way to the back of the pack. I wasn’t riding to win. I just wanted to finish, so I wanted to stay out of the way of those who were racing.
The first couple miles were downhill on pavement before turning onto gravel roads into the forest and onto the first small climb to spread out the group. The road was sandier than I expected, and I could feel the elevation, but I paced myself. So far so good.
We crossed under Highway 395 and started up Lookout Mountain. Damn, this road is really sandy. Prior to the race one of the organizers had said something like “Go practice riding through a volleyball pit.” I thought that meant there would be a few spots of sand, not miles of it. Made it to the top of the climb, time to relax on the downhill. Nope. The road was broken asphalt with drops into the sand. Had to concentrate to find a good line and continue pedaling through the sand. Nevertheless, I persisted and made it out to Owens River Road. Gotta pee. I make my way behind a tree for another dick measuring contest. At least it was warming up.
Nice asphalt downhill on Owens River Road into the valley and back onto the gravel. This should be the easy part of the ride. The road is slightly downhill. No wind. The scenery is beautiful. But it’s still hard to pedal. The road isn’t exactly sandy, but it’s still kind of soft and washboarded making the pedaling more difficult than it should be.
Approaching Hot Creek I have to pee again. No cover here, so I walk a few yards off the road, make sure nobody is approaching, and relieve myself on some sagebrush. Walking back to the road, I spot the race photographer with his telephoto lens. I hope he got a good shot.
Back onto the asphalt of Benton Crossing Road for the next climb. Out in the middle of nowhere I pass a jogger who is just flying. She must be Kenyan. Apparently lots of runners use Mammoth Lakes for altitude training.
Made it to the top of the climb without incident and onto the turnoff for more gravel on Casa Diablo Cutoff. The next bit is downhill, so hopefully I can rest a bit. Nope. Still sandy and I still have to pedal downhill.
Got to the junction with Casa Diablo Road for the next climb. But first I’ve got to pee again. What is it about elevation that makes me have to pee so much? The climb isn’t so bad. Slower than I think it should be, but pacing myself I make it back to Benton Crossing Road for a nice downhill to the first aid stop 45 miles in. Gotta pee again.
After the aid stop it’s straight onto Deer Spring Road for the biggest climb of the day. On paper it doesn’t look bad, about 1000 feet over five miles, but the loose road surface and altitude make it impossible to sustain any power. I have to get off and walk a steep section. Then at the top it gets sandy like the volleyball pit I should have trained in, and I have to walk some more. I start going to the dark place. Why am I doing this? This is stupid. I’m stupid for thinking I should do this. Shut up! This is what you signed up for. You wanted the challenge? This is the challenge. Deal with it.
Finally got to the top. Time for a downhill recovery. Wrong. The first couple hundred yards were a 20% descent with thick sand covering an uneven surface below. Fearing that I would hit an unseen bump and fly over my handlebars, I decide to walk that section. But when I get back on, I still have to pedal on a 10% descent. Crazy. The Strava segment is called The Sandiest Descent Ever. No rest for the stupid.
Made it to the bottom of the hill and right onto Benton Crossing Road to head for home. The worst is over. Hey, where did this headwind come from? I’m going downhill on asphalt and I still have to pedal. Back to the dark place. OK, break the remaining ride into smaller pieces and knock those off one by one. First to the Owens River. Done. Get to the second aid stop at Hot Creek. Done.
At the second aid stop riders are looking rough. “I’m totally destroyed,” said one. Another can’t go on, feeling the effects of the altitude, and the staff try to find a ride to the finish for him. I have to pee again and reapply some Chamois Butt’r.
Knowing I have to make it back for dinner and that if I linger longer I might never leave, I grab some caffeinated gels and head out. Knowing my judgment is declining, I separate the gels from the extra packets of Chamois Butt’r so I don’t confuse the two.
Break up the ride into ever smaller segments. Get to 395. Get off 395 and onto the side road. Cross under 395 and to the last gravel section. Finish the gravel section. Climb to the finish. The headwind pushes me further into the dark place. I have to get off and walk a few sections of the uphill. It wasn’t steep at all and normally wouldn’t be a problem, but my legs were shot. I’m getting passed by riders who did the 105 mile course looking fresh. Assholes.
Finally made it to the finish. The organizers were there to cheer on the stragglers. I mumble, “You weren’t kidding that it would be hard.”
Now the last challenge, carrying my bike to our room on the third floor. Cramps. Finally I make it to the door. My wife opens the door looking like she’s ready to chew me out for being late, but instead she says, “You look dead.”
“It was hard,” I croak pitifully. Dinner at Austria Hof was excellent.
So would I do it again? Maybe, but I’d probably do the 45 mile route or spend some time at altitude to get acclimated. Should you do it? If that’s your bag, sure. It’s a well run event and the scenery is beautiful. But be warned, it will be hard, and you will go to dark places. Like STEVE SMITH.
Excessively manly! The most elevation I get nowadays is lifting a martini glass two feet to my mouth.
You either must be very tall or have Japanese furniture.
Long torso.
Johnny Longtorso
MST3K for the win!
Curious what kind of tires you use for sand and gravel? Do you need stronger wheels than for road racing?
I have 42mm tires on my bike now. The race organizers recommended going as wide as you can, which is usually limited by your frame. Wider tires allow you to lower the pressure which makes the ride a little smoother. The first gravel ride I did was on 36mm tires and I felt they sank too much in the gravel. It’s a subject of great debate amongst the riders. As for the wheels, I use what came with my bike. They are beefier than what you find on a road bike. If you really want to spend money you can get carbon wheels.
Also most people go tubeless and have a sealant in their tires. I haven’t done that yet, but eventually will. You eliminate some rolling mass, and it reduces the risk of a pinch flat when you run lower pressure.
OK, thanks.
Are they still running the Morgul-Bismarck? How about the Death Ride?
The Death Ride is still a thing. That’s more than I’m willing to do. There are some really steep pitches at really high elevation.
I like the pictures.
That’s what she said…
Nice writeup, Jaime. It is something I would have done when younger.
When I saw the name Mammoth Tuff, I thought the article would cover more geology and less bicycle riding.
Still, it was a very gneiss story, and I’m sure JR felt sedimental putting words to screen.
This is Glibs and you can’t take any article for granite.
After that, you shale not pass go.
Well, talc is cheap around these parts.
Niiiiiice.
I skied Mammoth once, when I was 14. I think we ate at the Austria Hof. Or, something like that.
I have a palm-sized piece of obsidian I found while fishing in Mammoth.
Obsidian was another thing we had to look out for. It can really do a number on your tires.
Obsidian Dome is nearby, which is a massive pile of glass.
https://archive.ph/Q2wxt/c1887a8cfedc68e68937b519664a39380127c1ab.jpg
NSFW.
https://archive.ph/tuv9v/b724806fa1f55fd1ff27643559c92fd51f73fbd6.jpg
NSFW.
https://archive.ph/jNPYU/315f09bb69f1878961793b5117e80a3d6f6e4456.jpg
NSFW.
https://archive.ph/de8Qo/9a4c6b5823cf44041e5b5f5db0add10aeb561528.jpg
NSFW.
https://archive.ph/GKoea/cdd24fd50a1a72b22f889c8a2f97f3def2a7a61b.jpg
NSFW.
Man I miss the 80s.
Well, Jaime, I’m convinced. I’m not going to try that and not walking any farther than the bathroom. My son is a bike rider and recently had some melanoma spots taken off his face. Said it was long rides in the sun going from Austin to Shiner. Now I think he picks up a six pack of Shiner at the liquor store and no need to ride in the sun.
I just learned what tuff was today, reading about Easter Island. Never heard the word before in that connection.
I’d never been up there until four years ago we wanted to take the kid skiing, and it’s such a beautiful area. Though it’s hard to appreciate probably when you have to keep your head down and constantly look for your path through what amounts to a trail. Not even a good trail!
The “I will beat my prostate into submission” approach to middle age?
I have the prostate of a teenager. I keep it in a jar in the garage.
Waiting for the right wine pairing?
Chianti?
Mad Dog?
Great write-up!
It’s been a long winter of slacking, I need to up my effort.
Good article. Those types of events make great memories in your later years.
One year my ex did the Imogene Pass Run from Ouray to Telluride on dirt over a 13K pass. But unlike your ride is only around 17 miles long. I hope your organizers gave you a free pass to a local hot spring to soak in like the Imogene organizers do.
For any here who might be interested here is the link to the registration site.
https://runsignup.com/Race/CO/Telluride/45thAnnualImogenePassRun
Honestly not meant as a tie-in but…
Lazy biking kills two more locals.
These things are a fucking menace and I’m not looking forward to the inevitable Regulation that will likely make it worse.
It was believed the family was using a charger that was not compatible with the battery.
oops
Yall yall yall. I’m recording with Tom Woods tomorrow afternoon. Pray for me.
🙏🏻
You have been taught the Way Of The First. There is nothing to pray for.
Will do. I know you will do great!
You will be great.
Yes you will.
What they said!! 😁
Break a leg.
GOOOOOOOO!
I will admit to never having listened to him (that I recall). That’s about to change!
😀
Excellent. Let us know when the show runs.
Needs a Mammoth Tuffer with the race being held now.
Finally in my hotel room. Dinner is cooking and drink is poured.
Random thoughts
-why don’t people turn their fucking lights on when it’s raining? It’s not so you can see, but that you can be seen
-likewise jackass biker speeding with hazards on, wearing dark non reflective clothing on a dark bike.
-another jackass parked his truck and camper trailer across 5 parking spaces next to the entrance. If it wasn’t for security cameras…
-perked coffee is delicious, the not good to the last drop is that it does get much more grounds in the coffee cup. I like it. Enter than drip or as the kids call it “pour over”
-this Tiger rice cooker is outstanding. Actually browns meat on the slow cooker setting.
-I’m surprised the Seeds of Death hasn’t been memory holed. Clearly a work of the global cooling scare period.
Automatic headlights. I can never tell if mine are on when it’s raining. If I remember I turn them on manually to make sure. But no one thinks about their lights anymore.
why don’t people turn their fucking lights on when it’s raining?
For the same reason they can’t be bothered to use turn signals.
This is why I now climb mountains on a snowmobile equipped with a 185HP turbo two stroke. All though It does give my arms and shoulders a healthy workout.
Jesus Christ that is manly. I salute you.
My Firsting is so manly that it causes spontaneous orgasms in all females who witness it.
Pffffft. I saw Steel Panther on Saturday night. They were getting chicks pregnant from the stage just by looking at them.
For Sensei and other anime fans – I gotta recommend Ya Boy Kongming (Parepi Kongming). I’d seen it listed as one of the funniest shows from last year but I didn’t see it listed on Hi Dive till a few weeks ago. Just finished the last few eps last night. Extremely funny with some good songs.
Bizarre premise that works far better than it should – Kong Ming is one of the master strategists/tacticians from “Romance of the Three Kingdoms” reincarnated in 2022 Shibuya – who decides to use his wartime strategy to help a struggling singer make it big. Highly Recommended.
Note to ESPN: nobody cares about the WNBA draft. You know it’s true. “Stop trying to make
fetchWNBA happen.Lol. I had no idea they are covering it. Someone better tell them every time someone cuts the cord, their revenue drops.
You can edit down to: “Note to ESPN: nobody cares about the WNBA.” To use extra words and redundancy is schisty.
True, true.
Bill Burr has a few words on the WNBA.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I745Ajeq_B8
Much truth.
Dude, that’s Streets Ahead!
“WNBA? What does the ‘W’ stand for? Worse NBA?”
Yes?
Awesome adventure, man! Be proud. I hope you ate schweinshaxe at the Bavarian/Austrian place!
Rip
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al_Jaffee
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Lerner_(actor)
Nice run, there, Jaffee!
Thanks for sharing, Gustave. Brings back some fond memories of reading my big bro’s Mad magazines as a kid.
Me too. Not my brothers, just reading Mad. Our middle school library had a subscription, we’d go there on break or lunch to read the current issue or the stack of past issues. Fun times.
And all of the back covers were creased with the fold in.
Mahalo Gustave. I always enjoyed Jaffe’s stuff. Is Mad still published? Checking around I see nothing more current than 2020.
They did publish this gem of a Norman Rockwell in 2015.
https://www.madmagazine.com/blog/2020/06/01/norman-rockwellian-dept
Reese’s eggs are inferior to regular Reese’s cups.
To be sure.
But they both kick the ass of peeps. Bleah.
But you can joust with Peeps. Can you use a Reese’s so boldly?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUYiIMEP9MA
Both are inferior to Reese’s Pieces.
ET, phone home.
“I make my way behind a tree for another dick measuring contest. At least it was warming up.”
No excuses then.
Brrr!! Just slipped into bed after falling asleep in my hideous but awesome massage chair (with heat!). Now I’m freezing my tits off.
S’okay though. Usually get way warm in a couple of hours.
“Did you check the thermostat?” Yeah, yeah—I know how it goes.
Night, all!
Morning Glibs.
*raises cup of coffee*
Everything is stupid, adjust as necessary.
coffee cup of everything is stupid.
Morning 🙂
*courtesy flush*
Good morning, Sean, U, and limey!
Is it still morning where you are, limey? And how the heck have you been?
https://billypenn.com/2023/04/05/portland-loo-philadelphia-public-restroom-pilot-update/
Predictions on how this will go wrong?
In Philadelphia?
🔥🔥🔥
lol of course
How about factors such as, oh I dunno, foot traffic?
. “We will do outreach to key stakeholders….”
I read that as key holders… WTF?
“rounded anti-graffiti wall panels, open grating, easy-to-clean coating”
How’s it hold up to crack dealers and housing the homeless? Bulletproof would also be a nice feature.
https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2023/04/tucker-carlson-louisville-shooter-supported-blm-did-not-support-trump-suffered-concussions-and-live-streamed-his-killing-spree/
My shocked face: 😐
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/pac-supporting-jeff-brown-s-run-for-mayor-ordered-to-cease-spending-because-of-campaign-finance-violations/ar-AA19Gsz2
It’s Philadelphia. Show me anything political not cheating and or illegal.
Good Morning:
+1 baby sheep (count is +4) Total flock size is 26,
must sell.
Buggers made another hold in field fencing, ran another string of barbed wire and patched with cattle panel.
fun times.
Your sinful sheep are proliferating.
I swear its the ram. He is a but-head. Likes scritches. have to hit him on the head with my crook.
I expect to have 40 sheep by the end of the month.
My poor wallet.
Good morning, ‘bodru! Not to bring up unpleasant subjects, but how long until shearing time? 🐑🐑✂️
We have an appointment for a guy within about 6 weeks i think. Good kid.
brings his own sheering kit, can do them in 3 min.
Mornin’ all.
suh’ fam
whats goody
Mornin’ all.
Good morning, Shirley, homey, and DEG!
Look at me multitasking when I’ve barely had a sip of coffee!! 😃
Morning caffinator.
Good morning! Unfortunately, I’m not at all sure about this new coffee. It’s some exotic bean called “Monsooned Malabar.” It’s….pretty intense. 😕 It may take some more creamer to, shall we say, moderate it a bit.
Next week you’ll say “bean there, done that”
“Same old grind!” 😄
Uh-oh, another pun thread is brewing.
Just another one of the perks for coming here. 😁
Careful – these threads make Swiss bitter.
Mornin’, reprobates!
Good morning, ‘patzie! How did jung ‘patzer’s internship interview go?
Mornin’. He thinks it went well, we’ll see. Looks llike a good gig, he’d actually be writing code; a lot of summer interns wind up doing bullshit (I’ve seen this at multiple companies and once had my own intern to whom I assigned bullshit because she could not be trusted to write a bug-free Hello World script).
Good for your boy. I’ve been fortunate with the few interns I’ve had – they were all great and could meaningfully contribute from the get-go.
That’s a pretty good track record. My intern’s dysfunction was probably due to lousy supervision – I lack managerial skills.
It’s a small sample on my part; our internships are intended to be a path to full employment and I just haven’t had that many open positions over the years.
That said, HR is very good at screening and actively recruits at MIT, CMU, Cal Tech, etc. That includes my alma mater (Northeastern) & those kids easily hold their own with the kids from those tier-1 schools. Woo, go huskies!
Morning, Patzer!!
I had an unpaid internship back in 1993 (a recession year) when paid internships were thin on the ground. But it was in my parents’ town so I lived cheaply with then.
The company (an oil services company) figured out that they couldn’t have me work for *free* so they paid tuition to my university for summer course credit for the internship, which was cool. I just had to write up a summary report for the credit.
As a lowly EE intern I learned a shit ton. Most of my assigned work was laying out printed circuit boards, a relatively new thing to do by computer. They’d just laid off all but two of the commercial artists who used to do it by hand on giant drafting tables where the Gerber files were then made by literally photographing the drawings.
During the internship i noticed all kinds of gaps and inefficiencies and ended up writing short documents to help people find their way around Big Bertha, the IBM mainframe that required IV editor competency, catalog of PCB components, etc. Led to an annual summer technical writing gig with the oil company until i finished my masters degree. Good stuff. Also learned it’s perfectly fine to plunge a pcb into a sink of dish soap and scrub it down (oil industry) as long as it’s totally dry before powering it back up.
My final lap of the original internship, the scientists & engineers did a great job of making it into a tour and letting me see the scanning electron microscope, NMRI, and various other things.
Since then I’ve made it a point to endure my interns get at least one “tour week” so they can see if they latch on to some particular area of interest for their future.
goddammit Visio, I’m trying to replace the garbage angled connectors with proper right-angle connectors, why are you making them emulate the crap that I don’t want when normally you give me what I am trying to add?
I remember liking Visio before Microsoft bought them and started charging a ling’s ransom for it
I’ve been using D2 recently
https://d2lang.com/
It’s nice to be able to keep diagrams in version control.
That looks very cool, thanks!
The playground is cool:
https://play.d2lang.com
Nice. This looks a lot like “mermaid” that I have been playing with. I wonder how it compares.
(I don’t have Visio and I was desperate for something…)
Well, it’s just the software I have to use for this part of my job (application flow diagrams, logical network diagrams, etc) Works fine most of the time
Damn those lings….
Team Glib assemble! Form of… Morning links!
https://www.dannydutch.com/post/after-his-death-napoleon-s-penis-went-on-quite-an-exciting-journey-around-the-world
The family of Dwayne Haskins is grasping at every possible straw.
https://www.nfl.com/news/family-says-dwayne-haskins-was-drugged-before-he-was-fatally-struck
See Straws, grasping…
Be sure to sue Exxon for providing the gas to the pickup too…
Late to the party, but what a fantastic write-up! Congrats on finishing – it looks brutal!