DEAD SNOW

by | Apr 27, 2023 | Film, Fun, GlibFit | 169 comments

Dead Snow

R.J.!

YOU NOT HIDE FROM STEVE SMITH! R.J. GET LESS THAN 100 COMMENTS LAST POST!  HIM GET SPECIAL TREATMENT! BY SPECIAL TREATMENT MEAN RAPE!

R.J. IN STEVE SMITH’S JURISDICTION

HIM BURN UP FROM CRYPTID FRICTION!

R.J., NOWHERE TO RUN!

YOU WRITE BETTER WHEN STEVE SMITH DONE!

HAHAHAHAHA!

R.J. HIDE IN TORNADO SHELTER FOR NOW. STEVE SMITH WAIT. NO RUSH. R.J. HAS LOTS OF FOOD.

STEVE SMITH SHOW R.J. HOW IT’S DONE! HIM SHOW DEAD SNOW! NOT CRAPPY ARTY FARTY MOVIE MAKE STEVE SMITH VOMIT!

YOU NEED DIRECTIONS FOR TUBI? MAYBE YOU NEED VISIT FROM STEVE SMITH INSTEAD!

 

About The Author

R.J.

R.J.

Hello. My name is R.J. I am a Tulpa with extra cheese and sour cream.

169 Comments

  1. Brochettaward

    My Firsts have made you laugh. You’ve cried. They’ve sent quivers to your crotch. Next week, I will be making a very special announcement that will bring a new frontier to the art of Firsting.

    • Brochettaward

      You will feel things that you never knew you could feel.

    • limey

      I wonder if R.J. left himself logged in to anything else in his haste to escape.

      • R.J.

        I did, he ordered a bunch of crap off of Etsy. You would be amazed how much big foot merchandise is out there. Floaty pens, T shirts, chainsaw carved statues…

  2. DEG

    R.J. GET LESS THAN 100 COMMENTS LAST POST!

    I got 100 comments on my last article. Just barely made the cut-off.

    I wasn’t paying attention to the time. I’ll queue this up for viewing over the weekend.

  3. Sean

    I hope RJ bolstered his vodka supplies.

  4. Tundra

    I hope you’re OK, RJ!

    And all of our TX and FL Glibs. Some nasty weather out there.

    This movie looks familiar.

    • R.J.

      Just got out. It was a narrow escape. I have one smashed package of ramen left in the pantry, and a huge, sasquatch-sized pile of defecation in my living room. I have enough vodka for one martini tonight.

      • DEG

        That’s a hell of a tornado.

        Glad to hear you got out OK.

      • R.J.

        From STEVE SMITH. No tornado damage, but sasquatch damage does resemble it.

    • Brochettaward

      I will celebrate the destruction of the world of seconders, and know that The Great Firster will bless me.

      • Brochettaward

        I could stick my hand in fire, and Great Firster willing, not be burned.

  5. rhywun

    /clicks over to a new Law & Order episode for the first time in around 20 years, and not 30 seconds in…

    “Yes, Taylor is trans.”

    /clicks back to Lennie Brisco on Sundance

    • Chafed

      Maybe you want to watch the lovely movie R.J. selected?

      • R.J.

        I was going to select it. I was so hyped that finally we had the original Dead Snow. It’s an amazing movie.

      • R.J.

        Tommy Wirkola wrote and directed this film. It was a labor of love. Once again you can see how an individual can knock it out of the park vs. a giant studio. Tommy is a young man too, so I expect we will see a lot more of him besides the sequel to Dead Snow.

      • R.J.

        As this film plays, each character foreshadows their own death scene. Pay close attention and see if you can figure it out!

      • R.J.

        I see my hairy assailant does not know how to put a main post photo in place. Next time he shows up to trash my house I will have to teach him.

      • rhywun

        Watching the Rangers stink on ice.

      • rhywun

        Jesus. They should just walk away at this point.

      • R.J.

        Dead Snow beckons. You know they are going to lose.

      • rhywun

        Quiet, you.

      • Ted S.

        But at least you’ve got the announcers so tediously biased in their favor.

      • rhywun

        The broadcast I am watching is on regional cable so of course they are. They are the regular Rangers announcers.

        You can tune to the other MSG channel if you want the Devils announcers calling it.

        The national broadcasts on the weekends are different.

      • Ted S.

        I’ve got Youtube TV, so I’m limited to the national feed (ESPN in this case). Still obnoxiously pro-Rangers.

      • rhywun

        Who are the announcers? My ESPN is not showing this game.

      • rhywun

        Anyway, they must be showing the Rangers feed cuz this isn’t a nationally broadcast game.

    • Sean

      Homophobe.

    • Ted S.

      You should see Frank Sinatra in The Detective. He utters the immortal line, “Penis cut off”, which is obvious evidence that the murder victim was a homosexual and the killer likely was too.

      Despite Sinatra’s miscasting, it’s actually a surprisingly good movie.

      • R.J.

        I have seen it! And I enjoyed it. I think I read about it years ago in the Psychotronic Film Guide and I sought it out.

      • Ted S.

        My mom hoarded hand-me-down editions of Readers’ Digest and I read about the line in an article calling for a new movie rating system, this being just after the breakdown of the production code and around the time the G/M/R/X system came about. Reading that Sinatra had that line made it a movie I always wanted to see.

    • CPRM

      /clicks over to a new Law & Order episode

      Not so Subliminal messaging from last night?

  6. Chafed

    *fluffs pillow and gets chair ready for Count Potato*

    • R.J.

      Where is that potato? I hope everything is OK.

      • Count Potato

        Sorry, I’ve been having a bad day. I got Dead Snow, then forgot tonight was Thursday. Been angry about a bunch of things. A bunch of containers fell in the pantry, and I got so mad I threw and elbow into the door. Tomorrow I’m going to see if I can fix the door.

      • R.J.

        Sorry brotato. Stay stoic when you can.

      • Fourscore

        You need a visit from Ron and get back on the path for being a stoic. I have a big hole in my garage roof, every day I go out and vacuum the water off the floor. There is a big pile of debris mixed with snow and it’ll be a while before anyone can get on the roof. Since there is nothing that I can do I’ll just vacuum up the water as necessary.

        Insurance adjuster was here over a week ago and I’m waiting for my windfall. Now that a lot of snow is gone I see more damage. I am glad that it wasn’t a tornado.

      • Tundra

        Sorry, brother.

      • DEG

        Sorry.

    • Count Potato

      Thanks 🙂

      • Chafed

        No problem. You had a rough day.

    • Tundra

      You!

      Motherfucker, that Buckcherry song has been going through my head since the second I woke up today.

      Remind me to punch you in the balls next time I’m in Cali!

      • kinnath

        Which buckcherry song? I must have missed it.

      • R.J.

        I can help!

        I’m on a plane with cocaine
        And yes, I’m all lit up again
        Cough up love, and touch up
        Your mama said packing lines is sin
        [Chorus]
        And yes I’m all lit up again
        On the couch, in my bed
        And yes I’m all lit up again, flying
        I love the cocaine, I love the cocaine
        Mama can you wait, mama can you wait yeah

      • Tundra

        That’s pretty awesome!

      • Chafed

        Lol. Just dance to it and call it GlibFit.

      • Tundra

        It’s so retarded. But so catchy!

      • Chafed

        Exactly. Now if only MikeS would breeze by. Where’s he been?

      • Tundra

        Busy as hell. He’s building a biz and kicking ass.

        He drops in once in awhile.

      • Brochettaward

        He’s seconding. We all know he’s seconding.

      • Chafed

        🤘⚡🤘

      • Chafed

        Best comment: Hunter Biden’s song of choice.

  7. Chafed

    I don’t see what could go wrong letting the complete stranger who shows up at your cabin in the middle of nowhere at night.

    • R.J.

      Millennials, right?

  8. Aloysious

    Queued up for after work.

    I’m rooting for the ZOMBIES!!

    Which begs the question… is there a Zombie Smith? Do I want to know?

    • R.J.

      I am fairly certain the line was drawn on SMITHS after SPACE SMITH.

      • Aloysious

        Cryptids are sneaky. You never know that they’re there until it’s too late.

      • R.J.

        THEN YOU CANNOT WALK STRAIGHT!

        HAHAHA!

      • Brochettaward

        In the darkness of space, no one can here you not consent.

  9. The Other Kevin

    I definitely don’t want STEVE SMITH to show me anything about his Tubi.

    • Tundra

      I heard it was more of a piccolo.

      • R.J.

        I didn’t see it. But when he pinched a loaf in the living room, it sounded like a trash bag full of jello and smelled like a thousand dirty ball sacks. Just wretched.

  10. Brochettaward

    Surprise surprise – the media dogpile is set to begin on Crowder.

    Ring video footage (seriously, don’t put that shit in your house – especially if you are a minor celebrity) is released of him fighting with his wife. Crowder plays heavily into the old school Christian shit about his wife needing to be obedient. He reportedly follows her back into the house and says he will fuck her up after she disobeys, though this is not recorded.

    Crowder comes off as a controlling douche in this, and at the risk of coming off as a fanboy I’ll defend him for a moment.
    1. This video was leaked, obviously by people close to the wife. Crowder doesn’t care that he’s being recorded, but I always strongly suspect in these situations when one party comes off as blameless in the whole affair that they are aware there is a recording and how they may be perceived.
    2. The shit getting said is the *same* shit women say about *every* man when a relationship ends. He was controlling, manipulative, and verbally abusive.
    3. The clip starts in the middle of an argument. We have no idea what preceded it or how it fits into their general relationship issues. People in relationships can get petty on seemingly stupid shit when it’s just the tip of the iceberg for them or their breaking point.

    I suspected that Crowder announcing his divorce on Tuesday was to distract from his former cohost trashing him, but now I guess he had an inkling this story was coming.

    I am not Christian and I do not believe women have some obligation to be obedient in a marriage, but even that…Crowder has never hidden where he stands on that issue so his language isn’t that shocking. He comes off as a lazy self-centered asshole. Which wouldn’t be that surprising. Still strongly suspect there was some premeditation on her part here with the recording, but who knows.

    • R.J.

      Ooof. Yes, do not have the recording doorbells. Nothing is private with those. The footage was released to try to crush his popularity no doubt.

      • Brochettaward

        It’s fun when you go on Reddit. It’s like when the subject of drunk driving comes up. Everyone and anyone is in perfectly healthy relationships where they”ve never raised their voice or said things they regret later in anger.

        Anything a man says in an argument is abusive, manipulative gaslighting. 3 minutes proves that a guy is an “abuser.”

        He seems insecure, implies she may be cheating on him. Or kind of comes off like a lazy asshole.

      • Mojeaux

        Oh, I read r/AmITheAsshole, so everybody there is dysfunctional. Assholes in relationships, male v female are about 50/50.

    • Brochettaward

      And my general reaction when this sort of shit gets leaked – no one wants their worst personal moments recorded and posted online. Just about any married couple I know, you take their worst arguments and play them back and they both come off like complete unhinged assholes. Which is one reason I’m always suspicious when we get recordings where one side looks as pure as the fresh fallen snow.

      • Chafed

        You’re right. He’s still an idiot to have that Ring doorbell in his backyard and argue with his very pregnant wife.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Weird, I thought Crowder recorded everything.

  11. Tundra

    Norwegians are retarded.

    • Tundra

      But attractive.

      • rhywun

        Yes, they are.

      • Chafed

        I’m a little disappointed Q did tee off on that softball.

  12. Tundra

    I just realized I have four screens going.

    Tampa/Leafs
    Dead Snow
    You People
    Other People

    I might need an intervention.

    • rhywun

      I only have three. I must be doing something wrong.

  13. Mojeaux

    Hooo boy. I just ran into #AdultHumanFemale on Twitter.

    Went here: https://youtu.be/94HFMSm-JBo

    I haven’t watched it yet, but apparently it’s making waves.

    • Chafed

      You’re obviously a TERF so I can’t talk to you.

      • Mojeaux

        Someone once accused me of being a transphobe for religious reasons. Pffft. I said, “No, I’m a TERF! Trans-exclusionary radical feminist.” I went all Greta. “How DARE you intrude on women’s spaces! HOW DARE YOU!!!” They didn’t quite know what to say to that. Also, I was highly pissed off and was probably quite scary in a This Woman’s Off Her Tot way.

      • Brochettaward

        They don’t know how to respond because they can’t respond with anything besides calling you a bigot. They employ the sorts of arguments that appeal to children. It’s platitudes and just believing that if you say something enough it must be true.

        A woman can have a penis! A woman can have a penis!

      • Mojeaux

        “No, you CAN’T be anything you want to be.”

        “No, you DIDN’T earn that trophy.”

        “No, you AREN’T very good at that thing you think you’re good at.”

      • Chafed

        This⬆️⬆️⬆️

      • Zwak , who will swing for the crime, in double time!

        In the end, more and more people will respond with some version of “OK, I’m a bigot. Now what? You think I give a shit what you think?”

        And when that number is enough, there is going to be hell to pay.

  14. Tundra

    My daughter’s band is playing their first big show tonight. All girl band. Real venue in Boulder. Three on the bill.

    We’re staying away, but how about some Glib positive vibes for the gals?

    • Mojeaux

      All my vibes for her.

      Oh, wait…

    • R.J.

      I wish them success!

    • Chafed

      Rock it like The Runaways, ladies!

    • Gender Traitor

      That’s great! I know you’ve said before, but I’ve forgotten – what does she play?

      • Tundra

        Bass, percussion and vocals.

        Triple threat.

      • Gender Traitor

        Woh! Bass AND percussion!! How she do that?? Just switches from one to the other depending on the song?

      • Tundra

        Lol.

        No, in this band she is a bassist and singer, In others she plays percussion.

        She amazes me.

      • Gender Traitor

        👍🏼👍🏼🎶🎙🥁

    • Zwak , who will swing for the crime, in double time!

      She will do great! I remember my sons first time on stage, he killed. She will be even better!

  15. Brochettaward

    Lamar Jackson signed his contract. $185 million guaranteed, 265 total value.

    The idiot lost tens of millions of dollars he will never make back by not having an agent to talk some sense into him.

    • Chafed

      I heard about his deal. What do you think he would have gotten with an agent? I thought he did alright. Net, without the agent’s fee, it looks even better.

      • Brochettaward

        It isn’t that the deal he got is bad. It’s that it came years late. He was drafted in the same class as Josh Allen. If he had engaged with the Ravens and not been a jackass about the guarantees – which he was never going to get – he’d have collected something like $60 million over the last two years. Josh Allen has pulled in $50 million more than him throughout his career and that money just isn’t coming back.

        He basically refused to negotiate with the Ravens seriously until late last off-season, then insisted on getting a deal he was in no position to demand, and then fucked his own value by how he handled himself at the end of last year. The Ravens were motivated to pay him. Any moron could have gotten him paid. There’s a reason QB’s sign extensions so early.

      • Chafed

        OK. Now I’m with you.

      • Brochettaward

        His fixation on guaranteed dollars leads me to strongly suspect he knows he’ll only ever get one big payday. Same suspicion I had about Leveon Bell when he sat out years back.

        It’s a guy who maybe isn’t as confident in himself as people think. Most franchise QB’s don’t draw the line on guaranteed contracts because they know they don’t need them.

    • Brochettaward

      I’m Firsting you to hundred, RJ. What are these other losers doing?

      • R.J.

        So true. Your efforts are celebrated and appreciated.

    • slumbrew

      Why is the Patriot wearing cowboy hat?

      • Chafed

        Because the tricornered isn’t threatening?

      • The Hyperbole

        They’re all uninspired. Muscled-up stylized versions of the animal/obvious(cowboys,Bucs) ones, And muscled-up stylized generic color coded one for the none animal/not so obvious (Browns,49ers) ones.

      • Mojeaux

        all uninspired

        But pretty, and I like pretty things. Also, it’s better than what I could do.

      • limey

        The Dolphins character doesn’t look very dolphinesque. It requires more dolphin.

        Go feeyush!

    • hayeksplosives

      Awwwwe. The Ram looks kinda cuddly.

    • Not Adahn

      Some of my posts don’t break TWENTY comments.

  16. Tundra

    Killing zombies with a snowmobile might be my favorite of the genre.

  17. Raven Nation

    Huh, Tom Woods reporting that Ted Galen Carpenter is no longer at CATO.

    Carpenter’s explanation:

    “After 37 years, my role as a scholar with the Cato Institute has come to an end. We did not part on pleasant terms. I discovered the hard way that criticizing Ukraine’s government or Washington’s support of that government can prove fatal to one’s career.”

    • Gender Traitor

      Next week’s GlibFlick: Invasion of the Body Think Tank Snatchers.

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      Cato is effectively Niskanen at this point.

      Yet another skin-suited organization that is dead to me.

      • The Last American Hero

        And they overhop their beer.

  18. Brochettaward

    Taika Waititi has a new soccer movie coming out that looks just absolutely painful. He is a guy who has gotten high smelling his own shit and whose career is about to collapse. But apparently Disney still thinks it’s a good idea to let him have a go at Star Wars because why the fuck not. He checks some sort of diversity box.

    • Brochettaward

      It’s just necrophilia at this point with regards to Star Wars, anyway.

      • Chafed

        I’d say that’s a common theme among YouTube critics.

    • limey

      Ok. There is a piece for Glibs I am going to write and this has reminded me of that. Pray that I am prodded with the sharp sticks of encouragement until it is done.

  19. Tundra

    Great ending.

    Thanks, RJ! That was a fun one!

  20. The Hyperbole

    I fucked up a saw about 20 seconds of that Crowder thing, My only questions is do they really only have one car? What kind of millionaire only has one car? sure you don’t need a garage full of benz’s or whatever the cool rich person car is these days, but fuck sake, buy your wife a Honda Odyssey at least.

    • Chafed

      I was wondering the same thing. Maybe it’s a vacation home?

    • Gustave Lytton

      The sort of millionaire that has a postage stamp yard?

    • Certified Public Asshat

      You can’t be a controlling asshole if you just let your wife have her own vehicle.

      • The Last American Hero

        True dat. Read it in the bible.

  21. CPRM

    I watched this when it came out. *rides away on hipster unicycle*

    • limey

      I have never seen it, probably because when it appeared I had more or less recently watched quite a lot of zombie movies and revenge-against-nazis porn type movies (shout out to the original* Inglorious Bastards) and felt a bit burnt out, and then I guess I never went back. Also this preponderance of said movies in my viewing was partly academic in nature so I’d also been reading and writing a bunch that I’ve now forgotten and never made any practical use of anyway.

      • limey

        *okay so the Tarantino movie wasn’t a remake, but “the original” is the quickest and easiest way of referring to the Castellari movie in that context, when you know there is the possibility of people who will ignore the spelling.

    • Not Adahn

      Monocycle or GTFO.

  22. Gustave Lytton

    In N Out has awful burgers. I can’t believe there are brain dead idiots that actually like those smashed slabs of shit.

  23. Gustave Lytton

    Second drink. Doctor who instead of dead snow. It’s been a long week but back home.

  24. Gustave Lytton

    Twenty five over. So RJ only gets STEVE SMITHED if he wants it now, right?

    • UnCivilServant

      What about the rest of us?

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean, U, and limey (wherever you are!)

      Another virtual vacation day! 😁 My boss is off, and the CEO will be at a meeting in Columbus. I foresee some “sneak reading” on my Nook. Then I leave early to take Little Black Ninja Kitty in for his check-up and shots. 🐱‍👤

      • UnCivilServant

        Sometime in the overnight I sent a brainstorming email, the first message was sent from the wrong address because it was late and I wasn’t paying attention. The second one should have come from the correct one.

      • Gender Traitor

        Got ’em! Thanks! Those will be first on my reading list.

      • Grosspatzer

        Yay! Sounds like a purrfect day!

  25. Sean

    Joe “kiddee touching” Biden reelection commercials have begun.

    *barf*

    • limey

      No child left unsniffed?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        No brain synapse left unamyloided.

  26. Sean

    “The complaint stated they wandered into then-Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s office, and Mangia sat in Pelosi’s chair while Pastucci took a photo of her. Then, the two wandered into the Senate chamber, where they walked around before finding chairs assigned to former Sen. Pat Toomey of Pennsylvania and Sen. Kevin Cramer of North Dakota.”

    https://www.pennlive.com/news/2023/04/central-pa-woman-kicked-capitol-police-officer-in-the-groin-on-jan-6-fbi.html

    Alternate headline: “Woman defends herself from thugs. “

    • limey

      But did she say the magic words about her purse and her lack of familiarity with her assailant?

      • Gender Traitor

        The last time I checked (which wasn’t any time recently) any actual music could only be found on a separate channel called MTV Live (formerly known as Palladia.) I have no idea what they show on original MTV lately.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        “The Real World Transgender”
        Where 10 transgender teens in various stages of transition
        Stop being polite
        And start being real…

        Or something like that probably.

      • Gender Traitor

        ::continues scrolling right on past MTV in the channel guide – as quickly as possible::

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I’m mildly surprised they haven’t done it yet or aren’t in the process of doing it. Get on it MTV, you’re leaving that 0.01 percent of the market untapped.

      • rhywun

        “Jersey Shore: The Next Generation”

      • Gender Traitor

        One of the cast members identifies as an android?

      • limey

        No no, do NOT make it so!

  27. limey

    A good morning and peace to all Glibs of good will. I’m out.

  28. Grosspatzer

    Mornin’, reprobates!

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, ‘patzie! How are all and sundry at Patzerhaus?

      • Grosspatzer

        Whole Lotta waiting going on, May is going to be busy. Driving to FL for my uncle’s funeral, then to Scranton to see the youngest Patzer graduate summa cum laude, wrapped up by Memorial Day BBQ to celebrate my 70th b-day. And two major releases at the job.

      • Gender Traitor

        Wow! That IS a lot to have going on! Better eat your Wheaties!

  29. rhywun

    “Why should the guy who double-parked his 1988 Toyota pay the same as the guy with the 2024 Bentley?” Brannan told the Daily News.

    Fuck you, cut spending.

    • Rat on a train

      Income based utility bills are all you got, California?