Monday Links of Nothing Special

by | Apr 10, 2023 | Daily Links | 191 comments

I don’t want to do a damn thing today. I guess the kids would say “I don’t want to adult today”. But my four sons don’t give a fuck about my feelings. Nor should they. You feed the tiny people, you change the dirty diapers, you pretend you understand whatever it is they are repeating over and over again, and you try not to scream when the one year old is crawling all over you and decides to take a random nip at your belly button (Him: “oooh-ahhh”, translation: “surprise, motherfucker”). He also then rolled off me and stood on his own. I’m gonna be chasing him down the street in a week or two. I think I’m mostly down because there were no Cadbury eggs on sale at 3 different places I tried. I don’t give a fuck about the cancer, give me the eggggggsss, man. Oh wait, I found the damn cause.

Workplace violence or something more manifesto-y?

Shopping cart of mass destruction, or just a couple years late on a Lakers’ victory parade?

I have no idea what this article is actually about, but I hope she has an Only Fans.

Big hitter, the Lama. I guess this is one of those secret teachings.

 

I guess we’ll just stay on topic for the song today.

About The Author

Brett L

Brett L

Brett set out to find America, the real America, the America of strip malls and serial killers, of butthole waxing and kelp smoothies, of cocaine and maggots. He sought it in the most American part of America—Florida: swamp gas and fever dreams, where love arrives on a rickety boat and leaves when it doesn't have the money for its fourth abortion. Oh, where has Brett gone? He’s drinking at the neck of America’s wang, chewing its foreskin and working its shaft. Brett is becoming legend. Brett can never die. Brett can never die. Brett is America, facedown in his own patriotic puke: the red his blood, the white his stomach lining, and the cold, cold blue his gas station slushie, spiked with coconut rum and tetracycline.

191 Comments

  1. Count Potato

    Does anyone really care what shooter manifesto’s say? It’s all just crazy shit.

    • UnCivilServant

      The answer to that question is “does it validate my political positions?”

      • Count Potato

        Does that matter if a crazy person agrees with you?

      • Bobarian LMD

        If they do, then are they really crazy?

      • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

        I think it is more along the lines of “does it make my opponents look like jackholes?”

    • Count Potato

      um, manifestoes

      • SDF-7

        How else are we going to improve customer service at the Las Vegas casinos, Count?

      • Rat on a train

        manifesti

      • R.J.

        How many manifestos do you have on your manifeet?

      • SDF-7

        He collects them. It is his destiny.

    • Brett L

      Uncle Ted, while not technically a shooter, had some interesting takes.

      • Count Potato

        Well, yes, he did, but he wrote a whole book. I read it. He was also doing the bombing thing for a very long time before he got caught.

      • SDF-7

        I heard he really wanted to make a dramatic play out of his writings — but everyone just told him it would bomb.

      • The Other Kevin

        He tried to fuse politics and entertainment, which is always tough.

      • Bobarian LMD

        He really wanted to spark a conversation.

      • Tundra

        I thought his premise was dynamite.

      • Compelled Speechless

        The Feds were worried that he’d ignite a revolution.

      • Michael Malaise

        Stephen Colbert seems to nail it so deftly on a near-nightly basis.

      • Chafed

        I’ll admit it. I thought you meant Nugent.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not a good nickname to be using for him. That’s just giving red meat to the FBI agent assigned to this site.

      • Fourscore

        Which one?

    • cavalier973

      That isn’t the real Tiffany Dover.

      Notice how she is now a dirty blonde instead of a brunette?

      Also, the several pictures of her are strange; hiding her in shadows or behind stalks of grass…Thai article is only going to excite conspiracy theory speculation.

      Check to see if her ears are the same.

  2. UnCivilServant

    Donchaknow Brett, the US Cadbury Eggs are not the same as the UK Cadbury Eggs. Or so people keep insisting.

    • Rat on a train

      Hershey agrees. Stay off their turf. Don’t dare import eggs made by Cadbury.

      • Michael Malaise

        Hershey chocolate is garbage.

  3. SDF-7

    Sorry, but barf… Always found Cadbury eggs just disgusting.

    And the 1 year old is definitely shaping up to be a solid Florida Man… trying to eat people already! 😉

    Re: banker — while if the reddit posts and whatnot being dredged up does imply leftist idiot, I’m going to go with “workplace violence”. Strong runner up: “Post COVID / insanity / economy tanking is fueling depression and suicidal thoughts in Gen Z especially (yay social media and the vitriol combined with unreal expectations) and this asshole just decided to suicide by cop while taking coworkers with him as a bonus”.

    “And I said — what about, vaxes at Tiffany’s? And she said she thinks she remembers the lockdowns. And I recall I think we both kind of liked it — and I said well that’s one thing we’ve got.”

    Guess the kid called the Lama with his llama call.

    • Brett L

      Always found Cadbury eggs just disgusting
      More for me. Well, in standard cases

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Cadbury Eggs are good. Peeps…the worst.

      • Gender Traitor

        Reese’s Eggs>>>Cadbury Creme Eggs.

      • pistoffnick

        *high fives GT*

      • Tundra

        Black jelly beans and hollow chocolate bunnies.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Smarties and Circus Peanuts for Tundra.

      • Tundra

        Smarties are great!

        Also Necco wafers.

      • Chafed

        I was with up until now.

      • mikey

        Two right in a row.

      • robc

        But not canadian smarties.

      • Gender Traitor

        Fun fact: Black jelly beans are actually Easter Bunny droppings.

      • UnCivilServant

        That’s not Anise thing to say

      • Fatty Bolger

        Reese’s Eggs are divinely inspired.

      • R C Dean

        I prefer their caramel eggs to the crème eggs, which were cool looking, but too sweet for me.

      • dbleagle

        I second this remark.

    • The Gunslinger

      There’s Something Deep about your version of the Tiffany’s song. It makes me feel a little Blue.

  4. DEG

    A 30-year-old woman was arrested for arson Friday after allegedly pushing a flaming shopping cart into the lobby of the Los Angeles Police Department’s Southwest station.

    California just needs commonsense flaming shopping cart control.

    • SDF-7

      She just got confused because a homeless guy pooped in the cart first.

    • Rat on a train

      Police stations need those shopping cart bollards like some stores.

    • R C Dean

      I like how they pegged her with $250K bail. I guess that whole catch-and-release thing doesn’t apply when you attack agents of the state.

      • Rat on a train

        An attack on the king’s men is an attack on the king.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Unless you were hired by agents of the state to do it for the cameras. Reichstag fires everywhere!!!

  5. The Other Kevin

    I’m going to break ranks with some people and say we should not release shooters’ manifestos. As long as the same standard is applied to all shooters. And we limit coverage in the press.

    Why are you all laughing?

    • SDF-7

      And not give these suicidal or psychopathic individuals the attention they crave, maybe someday getting us back to pre-Columbine rarity?!? What kind of a monster are you, TOK!

      • The Other Kevin

        Worse yet, what else would all those reporters have to get breathless about?

    • EvilSheldon

      I 100% agree.

      There has never been a single mass killer’s ‘manifesto’ that has been even the slightest bit useful in preventing or mitigating mass killings.

      • The Other Kevin

        Mrs. TOK, in her wisdom, puts it this way. Every one of those shooters is insane. Sane people do not go into buildings and shoot up a bunch of kids. So what does it matter who they voted for last election?

      • Bobarian LMD

        But how I can confirm my per-conceived bias that anyone who voted for X fully supports shooting people for political reasons?

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        And yet, there has never been a mass killing which instigated a larger conversation about the state of psychology, pill-pushing, and generally horrible mental health industry that serves political agendas in this country.

      • Drake

        Does Ted Kaczynski qualify? He sure had a Nostradamus quality to his predictions.

      • Compelled Speechless

        I think the amount of LSD they gave him during MK Ultra gave him ESP.

      • Fourscore

        No manifestos coming out of Chicago but holding a Glock sideways is mandatory.

    • Fatty Bolger

      I don’t think that could legally be enforced. Media outlets could do it voluntarily (and some have), but that’s about it.

    • Not Adahn

      Oh, you’ll get near-universal agreement on a manifesto ban.

      After all, if you can’t read it, you’ll just ave to take the media’s word about what was in them.

      Did you know the Christchurch Shooter was an ultra-MAGA incel racist who was inspired by Trump’s nazi dogwhistles on 4Chan? It’s true! It was in his maifesto! Why would you want to read it you disgusting perv?

  6. Rebel Scum

    Workplace violence or something more manifesto-y?

    Cis, white, male domestic terrorist with an assault weapon.

    • Shpip

      I’m going with schizophrenia until shown otherwise. He’s the right age for it.

    • Michael Malaise

      Someone had to take the heat off the trans shooters.

  7. Fatty Bolger

    I forget, do you work your way up to Dalai Lama (like the Pope), or is it that thing where they pick a kid based on signs or something?

    • SDF-7

      I believe the latter — some kid is chosen as the reincarnation of the Lama soul or something. Don’t know how they decide it, not my religion.

      • The Other Kevin

        Not clear on the details, but if for some reason they think a kid might be the next reincarnation, they bring personal possessions from the last DL and see how the kid reacts.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Could it be any random kid in a village, or are they marked out ahead of time somehow?

      • Bobarian LMD

        You have to tongue kiss the previous DL.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        That’s when the goa’uld transfers from one host to the next.

      • Rat on a train

        It is reincarnation so the next must be born after the death of the current.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Maybe that’s how they’ll find the next one. Look for the kid who tries to tongue kiss all the other boys.

      • Fourscore

        A lot of wannabees in some metros, waiting for the call.

      • Shirley Knott

        And another.

  8. The Other Kevin

    I feel your meh, Brett. While dinner was good yesterday, one of my older kids (the two that moved out) decided to have a 3 hour “discussion” (fight) with Mrs. TOK right after dinner. Then we had our last practice before our tournament last night, so I’m going on truncated sleep. Then I woke up with a swollen knee. Most of the time I feel great, but occasionally I feel every bit of 51. Today sounds like an anti inflammatory and 8:30 bedtime kind of night.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Ugh. I hope the fight wasn’t over politics or any stupid shit like that.

      • The Other Kevin

        No politics. The kid is a mess, has a lot of anger issues and refuses to be on meds. She’s dating a loser boyfriend who mentally abuses her. And recently she lost her job, and can’t find another due to being fired a few times and not being able to pass a drug test. But all of that misfortune stems from how mean her mom was to her growing up, apparently.

      • Tundra

        These poor girls just break my heart. I would be willing to bet a large amount of money that her hormones are all fucked up and that BC is making it worse. I think I finally got mine talked into doing a full screen and consult with an expert.

    • Tundra

      Epsom salt soak can work wonders.

      And i sympathize with you having to suffer through those discussions. Mothers and daughters are impressive fighters.

      • The Other Kevin

        Forgot about Epson salt. Time for a long soak after work.

    • Count Potato

      Hope you are feeling better. Ice might help.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Ohhh to feel like 51!

      I have a rather large and stubborn stump in the front corner of my lawn that have been at war with for about six months. Yesterday my 58 yo ass thought it was in it’s 40’s and went at it with power tools, digging equipment, and kerosene.

      The stump is still there and my ass feels like 15 lbs of chewed bubble gum.

      • The Last American Hero

        Reciprocating saw on the roots. You will break or wreck a few cheap blades.

      • Bobarian LMD

        That is exactly where I’m at. Went thru a whole pack. The wood on that stump is like concrete.

        i’ve drilled holes and used the stump remover; it laughs at me.

        haven’t been able to locate a rentable stump grinder, only tree services that get more willing to pay every day.

      • Michael Malaise

        Can you rent a stump grinder?

    • Grosspatzer

      Yuck. Every now and then when my boys decide to be a pain in the ass, Mrs. Patzer says “aat least we don’t have girls.” I do hope your daughter finds a way out of that mess.

    • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

      Yeah, I hear you on the early 50s. The wife is always asking “where did that bruise come from?” and all I can say is “I don’t really know…”

  9. Tundra

    I enjoy your stories of son-raising. I’m glad mine is 23 and on his own, but some of those memories are still gold.

    I’m not sure I gaf about manifestos or not. Plenty of people have legit gripes, but still manage to not go on a murder spree. I think news blackout in that regard is totally fine.

    I wonder if the kid asked “Hey lama, how’s about something, y’know, for the effort?

    Still gross.

  10. Scruffyy Nerfherder

    “That would’ve been a perfect moment for us to speak out,” she says. “Yes, I did pass out. This could be a side effect. You can pass out from receiving a vaccine, but that’s OK because it can also save your life. So it’s worth it.”

    “The silence is what flamed this.”

    No shit. Now do the silence out of the CDC/FDA/NIH when asked hard questions about safety and trial results.

    vaxDo gots electrolytes! It’s what immune systems crave!

    • Compelled Speechless

      May 2020 called and said it wants it’s headline back.

      Are we back to not distinguishing between dying OF and WITH when it comes to COVID deaths?

      • R C Dean

        Apparently. Because there is no way somebody with terminal COVID can rehearse for a show a few hours before they die.

    • Bobarian LMD

      That he managed to make it past 50.

    • Shirley Knott

      I’m suspecting diabetes. Especially after rehearsing a show a few hours before.

    • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

      Eh, my neurologist said “when you are over 80, both feet are in the grave.” Sure, he probably did die of COVID, but, frankly, so what? No different than my grandfather dying of pneumonia, really.

    • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

      As a male ginger, I approve this message.

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      Actually they make cables that hack your phone too.

      • Count Potato

        Well, don’t buy one of those.

      • Bobarian LMD

        But they are so much cheaper!

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Also FBI, We know because we’ve done it ourselves plenty of times.

    • Tundra

      I’m about ready to go back to a flip phone.

      • UnCivilServant

        Rotary dial landlines.

        If only the telephone network supported it 🙁

      • UnCivilServant

        I don’t really talk to Kruschev much

      • Michael Malaise

        Do you talk to Commissioner Gordon?

      • EvilSheldon

        That Nokia candy bar reissue was tempting. If it could handle Signal and a basic MP3 player, I’d be all over that mother.

      • UnCivilServant

        Are they still on the market?

      • Tundra

        It makes me laugh when I remember how the best phones then were the tiniest. I had a couple of nokias that were about the size of a Zippo!

      • UnCivilServant

        Just two weeks? I’ve squeezed more from my Galaxy A21

      • B.P.

        My Samsung flip phone died last year after over 20 years of service.

      • kinnath

        I miss my Nokias

      • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

        Going from Razor to Blackberry was not a step up in my life.

    • Grummun

      Don’t they make cables that prevent that?

      Yes, they plug into 120V AC outlets and and have 5V DC transformers on the end.

    • Bobarian LMD

      If you’re talking about them getting caught, then let’s hope so… But if you’re talking about Badge Bunnies being a thing, that is as constant as the speed of light.

      • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

        I used to know a guy going to the police academy, and he always said “policemen get some tail, but firefighters? Threesomes, every night.”

        I called him Deputy Donut.

    • EvilSheldon

      That is a collection of ugly motherfuckers, right there…

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Krystle. Rhymes with gristle.

  11. Shpip

    At my old golf club, the ownership contracted with a company to retrieve golf balls that were lost to the water hazards — which were tens of thousands of balls per year.

    Somehow though, I don’t think the club would get many takers for that contract here.

    • Tundra

      They need frickin’ laser beams.

  12. Grosspatzer

    There’s something fishy about the Louisville shooting.

    “Connor Sturgeon opened fire inside the Old National Bank in the city’s downtown area, near Slugger Field, around 8:30 a.m., the Louisville Metro Police Department said.”

    Ah, that’s it.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      If he was taken alive, the killer will end up on death roe.

      • WTF

        But now he’ll never face the scales of justice.

      • Shpip

        Apparently he was fired by the bank and basically declared “I’ve haddock up to here with you people!”

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        In the old days they’d have his head on a pike.

      • Animal

        I bet that smelt.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        No doubt it was pretty crappie.

      • Animal

        So, he did it just for the halibut?

      • Tundra

        Pretty cutthroat if you ask me.

      • SDF-7

        Of course he was fired for being a dumb-bass. Tried to act like a loan shark, couldn’t pull it off and just floundered.

      • Animal

        That’s all right – he’s fin-ished.

      • Compelled Speechless

        He was taken alive? How’d they lure him out? What’s the manditory minnow-mum for this offense?

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Holy Mackerel. Look at all these puns. I’m surprised Swissy hasn’t taken the bait.

      • Shpip

        He’s probably not sure what to mako this.

      • Shpip

        Just don’t tease Swiss about his eastern European neighbors. He absolutely disdains pollack jokes.

      • Compelled Speechless

        You’d think after so many years of hearing those jokes, he’d be able tuna them out.

      • Animal

        He’s had enough, I bet. He’ll just skate away on this one.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        No ray.

    • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

      Nikkola’s cousin?

    • whiz

      First they called the car a Ford Taurus, and later they called it a truck. News people suck at their jobs these days. My wife, a former journalist, is always SHDH about shoddy grammar and fact-checking like that.

  13. Shpip

    In the “Holy Shit! I can’t believe this.” file: while we’ve all seen some True Believers who just can’t get past their new COVID routine and are still wearing their useless talismasks to work, the grocery store, etc.

    But I thought that the moo goo gai panic was pretty much banished from businesses — at least those who wanted to attract customers.

    Well, I was wrong.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      We returned from vacation last night. On the shuttle bus to pick up our car there was a family of maskers, including a kid who was about 6 years old. I turned to my wife and said, “You can tell we’re back in the Bay Area.”

      • Sean

        My thoughts exactly.

    • Ownbestenemy

      “This situation has been allowed to continue because many parents have absorbed the lesson that it isn’t worth it to challenge authority on behalf of their silenced children.”

      Well we know who will first accept being in the camps amd praise their masters

    • Sean

      I couldn’t finish that article.

    • B.P.

      “I could tolerate most of the stuff—the teachers in N95s and face shields while standing behind plexiglass barriers, the 12 feet of distance for band members, the ban on singing ‘Happy Birthday’ in class. But I just wanted them to end the outdoor masking,”

      Wow. In a several years I hope these kids are able to look back and comprehend just how insane this was.

      I was walking the dog on Saturday and a woman came out of an apartment, unlocked her car, and drove off. By herself. Double-masked the whole time.

      • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

        I caught an interview with one of the Jonestown kids, who were flown away a couple days before Flavor aid. Even as adults, they still feel the call, just a little bit.

    • rhywun

      As soon as I saw “Ithaca” I knew where that was going.

  14. Ownbestenemy

    I’ll be able to wrap up class here in OKC early by a couple days. That is nice. Now to find someone who wants perishable foods I will have left over

  15. whiz

    Calling all Glib car experts. Our 14-year-pold Toyota Camry hybrid (176,000 miles) has been diagnosed as burning oil (about 3/4 quart per 1000 miles). The options are 1) add oil between regular service, 2) rebuild engine, 3) replace with used engine. The latter two price out at around $6,000, while the first has, of course, minimal cost. I’m considering option 1, at least until it gets worse. We will probably be getting a new vehicle in a year or two, but aren’t ready to do it yet. Any thoughts?

    • Tundra

      Is it truly burning oil? Who diagnosed it? Are there other issues?

      I’d probably just add oil, personally.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        If you were going to keep the car for several more years then a replacement engine might be worth it. Sound like you just want to limp along until replacement so Tundra is right; oil is cheap.

        I just thought, though: do you have air inspection in your area? An oil-burner won’t pass.

        BTW, my experience with the used Japanese engines was not positive. The engine ultimately ran but many of the sensors and connections were different.

      • Ted S.

        Different like trying to read English assembly instructions written by the Japanese?

      • whiz

        They diagnosed it, but it also lost more than 2 quarts in 4000 miles before that — it had never lost that much between oil changes (every 5000 miles) before. A low-oil warning light is what cued me in on the problem. No other apparent issues.

        Definitely thinking of just adding oil until we splurge for a new car. I don’t think it’s worth more than $3000, although as usual a car is worth more to its owner than its market value.

      • Zwak tastes the soup, but never counts the beans.

        Check the oil at fill-ups, and add as needed. 2 quarts in 4K is nothing for an old engine, and 176k is getting up there. Not drastic, but nothing to sneeze at.

    • Drake

      I was just at the auto parts store picking up ac charge. Are all those oil leak sealant additives crap? Might destroy your engine for all I know, but I’d be tempted to try one.

      • creech

        Half a cup of oatmeal should work.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        I have never cured an engine mechanical problem with something from a bottle. In fact, I learned that the powdered stuff you put in a radiator to stop a leak will destroy your water pump.

      • Sean

        Do you believe in fuel injector cleaner?

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        At best I don’t think they work. At worst, they cause other problems.

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        Yeah, don’t do that.

        One plugged oil port and you’re done.

    • Count Potato

      Is it blowing smoke? Check the exhaust pipe for residue. Run a compression test (it’s not difficult, and you can buy a gauge for under $50).

      • Count Potato

        Also, check the engine for leaks, and look for oil in the radiator fluid.

      • whiz

        Not blowing smoke, but just a slow decrease over time. No leaks, they checked for that, and no oil on the garage floor.

    • limey

      Trade it in for a 10yo BMW that is fresh out of its warranty period/mileage.

      • whiz

        LOL

    • mikey

      3/4 qt per 1k miles? I don’t see the problem. You probably won’t need oil changes.
      /Brit car owner.

    • DrOtto

      First off, check the PCV system for restrictions and if it has a PCV valve change it. A car that has not previously burned oil, but suddenly starts burning oil, is usually due to a PCV issue. Second, if you are not currently using full synthetic oil, now is a good time to start. Synthetics have a higher flash point and are less prone to burning off. Third, 3/4 of a qt per 1,000 is within manufacturer tolerances (Audi allows 1 qt per 1,000km before they will consider motor replacement for warranty purposes – that’s only 620 miles) and wouldn’t qualify for a new motor in a new car under warranty, meaning you could do a new motor and it could burn more and still be “within spec”. Stick with what you’ve got and check the oil more frequently. Also, do not use “Golden State” oil. Read the disclaimers on the back the bottle and you’ll see what I mean.

  16. Count Potato

    “The Transgender Bill of Rights: Gay Erasure and the End of Childhood Innocence

    With one stroke of a pen, the Biden Administration has the power to roll back everything that Gays Against Groomers has accomplished so far and make gay erasure the law of the land. Democrats introduced “The Transgender Bill of Rights,” which claims to give civil rights to transgender and nonbinary people (TQI+). That sounds rather innocuous. However, one must pause and ask themselves…what rights do transgender people not have? The Biden Administration is doubling down on its Title IX interpretation of “gender identity” and so much worse….”

    https://www.gaysagainstgroomers.com/post/trans-bill-of-rights

    Long, but worth reading.

    • rhywun

      I see we’re dialing up the crazy another notch. Bring it on, Dems. Let’s get this shit over with so some semblance of sanity can return during my lifetime.

    • Tundra

      Knew it. And yes.

    • Q Continuum

      Sorry to be the one to tell you Rhy, but you’re actually a self-hating transwoman.

      On the plus side, Uncle Joe’ll lop it off for ya for free.

  17. Count Potato

    “Lindz Amer is a YouTuber, author, and GROOMER.

    She says ALL CHILDREN are “queer.” She writes books that groom parents into raising their kids “queer.”

    These people have gone full mask off and ADMIT to targeting kids.”

    https://twitter.com/againstgrmrs/status/1645530675251150848

    I forgot about that asshole.