Previously on “The Secret History of Vermont”
Introduction
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Chapter 9: The Origin of Native Vermonters
Radiocarbon dating is a way cool technique for figuring out how old stuff is. It works by measuring the amount of radioactive carbon-14 in a sample of something that was once alive. All living things have a small but constant amount of carbon-14 in them. When they die the carbon-14 slowly decays. By measuring the amount of carbon-14 left in a sample you can tell when it died.
Archaeologists invented radiocarbon dating and now there are labs that’ll do it for a fee. You send them a sample of something you’ve dug up and they’ll tell you how old it is. Unless you’re from Vermont. Radiocarbon dating labs don’t accept samples from Vermont any more.
The problem is homework. Every year freshman archaeological students are given the following summer project: Find the oldest sample you can and send it in to a radiocarbon dating lab to be dated. So every summer hundreds of students visit their grandmothers, duck down into the deepest darkest corner of the basement, and scrape into a sample bag the oldest driest sliver of wood they can find.
Hundreds of sample bags are mailed to various labs (probably all owned by the Archaeology Professors) and shortly after the results are mailed back: 15 years, 67 years, 3 months (nice rec room), 110 years, 29 years, 30,000 years, etc. It’s results like that last one that caused the problem for invariably the student would raise a stink and demand his or her money back. It didn’t take long for the radiocarbon dating labs to figure out that all such anomalous results came from Vermont and to blacklist the entire State.
It’s not that Vermont isn’t full of jokers. (Drive a car with out-of-state plates and ask directions from someone in Vermont sometime. Please!) It’s just that the conclusion that every single Vermont archaeology student independently decides to pull exactly the same prank is one that only an Archaeology Professor or Radiocarbon Lab Owner would come to.
The other conclusion, that the canning jar racks in grandma’s basement are 30,000 years old, is one of those things that’s so completely and totally obvious that the maintainers of the Secret History don’t have the slightest worry of it ever being discovered.
Not all Vermont archaeology students send out 30,000 year old samples to be dated, just those who attend out-of-state schools and who are therefore disqualified from being taught the Secret History. Anyone in the know, of course, wouldn’t be so stupid.
30,000 years ago a race of mysterious people now known as the Picts occupied most of the island now known as England. The Picts had an extremely high level of civilization and were practically worshiped as gods by the other races who were in awe of the Picts’ knowledge of farming, technology, medicine, and commerce. Only the Picts knew the secret of distilling sugar from trees. The Picts built mostly with wood which is why there’s hardly any trace of them left, but occasionally they built with stone and the remains of some of those structures survive to this day. The Picts’ unit of government was the homestead and anyone who felt the need could go out to the frontier, clear some land, and build a homestead of his or her own. The Picts abruptly disappeared from England leaving little evidence of their existence.
As always happens to civilizations that last any length of time, the climate changed. The poles got colder, water started freezing into ice, and the sea level dropped to the point where a land bridge between England and Europe reappeared. The Picts remembered this bridge as the one upon which they traveled to England thousands of years prior. This time is was barbarians from Europe who crossed the bridge and the Picts could see the handwriting on the wall. Pretty soon there would be a Legislature, Zoning, Taxes, debates about Universal Coverage, and why hang around for that? Particularly since the frontier hereabouts is getting a little sparse anyway and we all know that there’s an entirely empty continent just a few thousand miles west.
So the Picts built a huge fleet of ships, loaded everything that could be moved onto them, and sailed to the new world. They landed off of what is now known as the coast of Maine but decided to venture further west until they were completely satisfied. A few hundred miles later they came across the perfect combination of mountains, rivers, and valleys, and made it their new home which they named “Vermont.”
The word “Vermont” derives from Olde Neanderthale but modern day scholars are divided as to its precise meaning. Some say that it comes from “ver mont” which in Olde Neanderthale means “Heaven on Earth” but others insist that it really comes from “verm ont” which means “Any place that if you stay there during the winter you must have rocks in your head.” Olde Neanderthale is a very pithy language.
The emigration of the Picts to North America completely devastated the English economy of the time and created the English legend of a rich, all-knowing, and all-powerful race of magical elves who live on an unobtainable island somewhere “in the west.”
It was a few thousand years later that the same shift in climate that re-revealed the Europe-to-England land bridge revealed the Siberia-to-Alaska land bridge and people from Asia crossed to Northern North America and slowly began to expand south. When the Native Vermonters finally encountered the newcomers they were welcomed and the two races exchanged what bits of culture and technology they could, which wasn’t much since both were already completely independent and self-sufficient.
By that time the Native Vermonters had an old, established, and stable system of homesteads, roads, and Towns. There was plenty of extra space on which the newcomers, the menfolk of whom were admired by the Native Vermont men because they didn’t have to shave, occupied seasonally as was their custom.
This situation lasted for another few thousand of years until Columbus discovered America and all hell broke loose. The barbarians from England and Europe emigrated seemingly all at once. The Native Vermonters were racially close enough to the barbarians to be mistaken for “settlers who got there first” but the “Indians” were massacred nearly to the point of extinction.
The barbarians brought their system of government with them and, to prevent the new government from gaining the power of tens of thousands of years of civilization, the true History of Vermont was made Secret as previously described.
The relationship between the Native Vermonters and the “Indians” suffered grievously. The “Indians” blamed the Native Vermonters for not assisting them while they were being attacked, but the Native Vermonters didn’t want to get involved in the barbarians’ politics (English vs. French) while the “Indians” seemed to have all allied with one side or another. As a result the “Indians” lumped all “non-Indians”, Native Vermonters and barbarians, into a single category: oppressors.
But note that the State of Vermont still does not recognize any “Indian” tribe of being native to Vermont.
Postscript:
This chapter was written in 2004. In 2011 and 2012 the Montpelier Legislature granted recognition to four Abenaki Native American tribes. In 2022 a recognized Abenaki tribe in Quebec questioned the legitimacy of Vermont’s tribes. A formal declaration of war has yet to be announced.
More snow in Minnesoda today.
/wondering if I have rocks in my head.
Vermont has had another mild Winter and the local Greenies are smugly talking about Global Climate Change.
I am aghast at what happened, and is still happening, in the upper Midwest this Winter.
The Sierra have an absolute record amount of snow. I would venture the summits may even carry over into next year.
Nonsense. The headline of this 2021 article is “A ‘no snow’ California could come sooner than you think”:
https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2021-12-03/a-no-snow-california-could-come-sooner-than-you-think
Thank you for that labor enacted, I have many CA FB friends to share that with.
Ask them to explain Buffalo. I realize it’s all the way across the country but… oh wait… um.
Local news had several stories about the “unprecedented” mild winter, which they then showed how it was such an outlier over the past 10 years. Also not mentioned were the bitterly cold winters in the mid 90’s, and the blizzards of the 70’s.
Minnesnowda, amirite?
I was just chatting with my brother. He’s getting serious about bailing out and heading south.
Weather and the fact that all his guns are about to become illegal has him a little black-pilled.
Snow in Colorado today. Should be back to 70s for the weekend.
My solar panel array broke last Sunday. I bought the eight panels in 1990. They were previously used in a solar power generating plant in California and are this model:
https://www.greenbuildingadvisor.com/article/testing-a-thirty-year-old-photovoltaic-module
I’m not the author of that article.
The panels were well sealed but water started seeping into the edges of two of them and the metal foil used to connect the silicon cells started oxidizing in spots. I was expecting a failure for years and it finally happened. Because I connected the panels in serial for high voltage and low current they’re like old-fashioned Christmas lights. If one goes out they all go out.
I order three of these to make a new array:
https://www.amazon.com/Newpowa-Monocrystalline-Designed-Charge-System/dp/B07H4HS7QM
Which will be physically smaller and more powerful than the old one. The ETA is next week. In the meantime I’m going to identify the broken panel and remove it from the array. This will reduce my power by one-eighth but I doubt I’ll notice a difference.
Cool stuff. I was too scerd to do my own panels.
I’ve been greatly entertained by this series, 🙂
Thanks!
Seconded.
#metoo
Thanks for submitting them, I think the one on winter golf was the funniest, followed closely by the cows going into the lake.
Same here. Really good stuff, Richard.
This is the last chapter of “The Secret History of Vermont”. The series caused a minor sensation in my small town because people recognized the institutions and events I was making fun of. I was urged to write more but I was running out of material and if I continued people would have started recognizing themselves which would have caused a different kind of minor sensation.
a different kind of minor sensation
Phantom limb syndrome?
That pict bit reminds me of some classic Robert E Howard. I think at least one of his stories involved Picts in the New World.
Appropos
Sorry if this causes an acid flashback for anyone.
“a minor sensation”
OK, groomer.
Picts, thousands of years, hmm. Yes, that would explain the inbreeding there.
“But note that the State of Vermont still does not recognize any “Indian” tribe of being native to Vermont.”
Based.
“In 2011 and 2012 the Montpelier Legislature granted recognition to four Abenaki Native American tribes. ”
Nevermind
In the meantime I’m going to identify the broken panel and remove it from the array.
Presumably you can just test across each cell. Do you have to climb up on the roof?
I can’t test across each cell but I can disconnect the array wiring and test across each panel. The array is mounted on a stand reachable with a broom so I can sweep snow off in the Winter. I had a neighbor who wanted to put solar panels on the roof of his barn and didn’t seem to understand the concept of sunlight not penetrating snow.
Must be a transplant from NY.
So the Picts built a huge fleet of ships, loaded everything that could be moved onto them, and sailed to the new world.
That seems rather mundane. From the illustrations, I expected some sort of transporter using Stonehenge as its portal.
That would be fiction, sir. I do not write fiction.
Vermont has had another mild Winter and the local Greenies are smugly talking about Global Climate Change.
Scrap all the snowplows and expand golfing season.
It was not a good Winter for my small town’s multitudinous driveway plowing services or the Town Road Crew’s overtime expectations.
A formal declaration of war has yet to be announced.
It’s early yet.
Thanks, Richard. I really enjoyed this series and the emigration of the Picts is the perfect close!
You’re welcome! It was fun to see the series come to life again.
From dedthred:
I agree, but I did explore one conceptual flaw flaw in this, which is that other people impose their will on you and you are pretty much powerless.
So…like the government
Our formal government has evolved into fascism, just without the high fashion sense, and did so without any formal change. How precisely do you stop evolution?
Well you don’t, which was kind of my point.
“…when the people shall become so corrupted as to need despotic government, being incapable of any other.” – B. Franklin
I’d kinda feel like a despot if I came to blows with my neighbor over his hoarding.
When I lived in on-base housing, we started getting cockroaches, which is weird in the desert of 29 Palms.
Turns out, my neighbor in an attached house gave me cockroaches when they moved out.
The exterminator told me they were so bad that they started climbing up the cleaning lady’s leg.
Also, they just threw garbage on the floor and had paths through the trash to go from room to room.
If they had still lived next to me, that might have come to blows eventually and I don’t think I would have felt like a despot.
I like not having any close neighbors.
Nice, isn’t it.
You could try befriending your neighbor, instead. I don’t know your neighbor, though; some people would not respond to friendliness.
Some people should be shunned at all costs.
Another option is to offer to buy his garbage, or offer him money to clean his property. If you aren’t the only neighbor bothered by his hoarding, you could pool your money.
Today what you’re saying makes sense, 20 years ago as my wife and I had to bag our house so they could fumigate it, I was not in a talking mood.
I had talked to him a couple times and he was odd.
Yep.
Sometimes good ideas produce poor consequences.
There is no way to have a civil society if people won’t agree to the rules. Government is the east way to enforce the rules. The problem is the proliferation of rules, as everybody has a different idea of which rules should exist.
I still think alternatives should be considered and discussed.
I also think that businesses—including banks—should be allowed to fail for making poor business decisions.
All actions have consequences. It’s exactly like your point about 5 bad decisions.
Our biggest problem these days is there are no consequences being visited upon bad actions/actors. Because our govt (being one of the worst offenders itself) does not want the victims of bad decisions to suffer those consequences.
Exactly.
Periodic revolution is the traditional method.
Getting people to behave the way one wants without resorting to an enforcer is a conundrum. I certainly don’t have the personality to confront someone face-to-face myself; I am basically 1985 George McFly prior to Marty going back in time.
It might be nice if humans did continuously recycle history.
erh – did NOT
I can’t test across each cell but I can disconnect the array wiring and test across each panel.
Oops. I meant panel. It’s good that they are accessible.
OT: I don’t understand people.
I was at an Eluveitie concert on Saturday (they are a Swedish folk metal band) and was right in front of the stage behind one girl.
She was there with 2 guys, they were in the front next to her, and she was very excited because it was her first metal show.
The show was great, my voice is still a little funny.
Right before the last song, she looked a little woozy and said something to her friend.
He talked to her, and they didn’t leave, so I thought I misinterpreted what I saw.
As soon as the last song started she passed out. I caught her, she was a tall girl, and both of her friends were small guys, so I yelled that I would get her out of the crowd.
I got her to the edge with my arms hooked under her armpits going backwards.
One of her friends followed me and as soon as I got her seated on the ground and someone else gave her some water, he went right back to the front.
I had a stranger ask me, “Is your girlfriend OK?”, when I told him I didn’t know the girl, he said “Good job dude!”
I stayed because it didn’t seem right to leave her by herself and once she was feeling a little better, I helped her into a chair. Once the show was over, her “friends” came back out.
They never said a word to me, and that just seemed odd.
I would have taken her out as soon as she said she wasn’t feeling right the first time and definitely would not have let some stranger take her out without going and staying with her.
Maybe I just don’t understand young people, they were all in their early 30’s.
Was she hot?
Not particularly, more average and skinny.
Good on you for following the proper rules of the pit. I’m slightly shocked they didn’t saw anything after the show, I was expecting them to start blaming you for something.
That was exceedingly kind of you. If I’d been that chick, those assholes would each have had a new asshole torn for them.
Exactly. Which kinda makes me wonder just how… close? attached? they actually were.
I’ve found this pairs nicer with lunch than tomorrow’s offering. I like them both, but one is definitely an after lunch affair.
This winter has been much snowier than last winter, here. I guess I’ll probably be travelling by dog sled and fending off woolly mammoths next winter.
What kind of gun would be good for taking down a woolly mammoth?
https://huntingheart.com/577-tyrannosaur/
There are lots to choose form — pick something ending in “Holland and Holland,” Nitro Express,” or “JDJ.”
Or A-Square.
Any of the turret mounted options on a HMMWV should be sufficient , although the M240 might require some sustained firing.
A wooly mammoth is just an elephant in a pimp suit, so any of the standard cartridges for that are good; .416 Rigby, .460 Weatherby, .458 Winchester, o”r if you roll old skool you can use what my father had, a .577/450 3-1/2″.
Nice Adam Carolla interview with Tucker Carlson posted last night: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-v3hTJs988A
Missed you on Saturday, but the pie place is a takeout only deal.
If you are ever up that way, they are phenomenal.
I had a lamb pasty and a steak and cheese pie and my wife had the pork chili verde pie and then we shared a slice of Dutch apple.
Yeah, a lot of issues on Saturday including getting dinged in the walmart parking lot. I’ll make it down to Norfolk a few more times this summer. Thanks for the recommendation though.
Did you at least get your tire sensors fixed?
Nope couldn’t get it scheduled till this next Saturday.
Drake – sorry if I missed your house hunting details posted before…but if you’re having difficulty in the area you’re looking at right now… you might want to consider Northern Neck VA – NOT the same as Northern VA. There are a lot of listings for houses, land, houses with land, etc in my neck of the woods. Granted a little flatter and more humid and not as many mountains – but still not a bad area – esp if you don’t mind being out in the middle of nowhere but still within reasonable driving distance for most things.
I could probably get you hooked up with a contractor job at Dahlgren too if you needed something.
Thanks! RIght now I work in an SC office so I’m not that mobile. My wife and I are back to considering building a house, which should effectively get rid of all our savings before the dollar tanks.
I will say that every time I have driven through the Shenandoah Valley, I’ve been tempted to stop and never leave.
Daily Quordle 435
3️⃣7️⃣
6️⃣4️⃣
Missed the 3, 4, 5, 6 on a bad coin toss.
BTW, John Wick 4 was pretty good – but was a little surprised I didn’t hear Critical Drinker or anyone else mention it – the Warriors DJ tribute was a nice concept and could have been a fun homage if they had used it once – but when they used it for an hour straight with songs that were just a bit too on point – it got old really fast.
I posted a link to Drinker’s mostly positive review the other day.
Yeah, I listened to it, but I don’t recall a Warriors reference.
Sorry, missed the point you were making.
Disparu and Nerdrotic liked it too:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acpLZYD7F3Y
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTrR9oYM4HY
This was a great series. Thank you for sharing. Sorry to hear about the solar panel issue.
I finally filed my taxes yesterday, and I didn’t have to pay in. Actually getting almost $200 back. Hopefully that doesn’t mean I fucked something up.
Good luck. Remember, if you put something in the wrong column, and are an enemy of the people, you’ve committed a fraud and belong in jail
The Trump arrest:
https://www.youtube.com/live/WAetEdBL0Dw?feature=share
Since nobody laughed this morning, I’m reposting this:
Early afternoon, April 4
Handcuffs click on the Big Orange Guy
Now at last
We took his right
To another White House Try
Wow. That stopped the conversation, quick.
Is it really that bad?
I’m so sorry. So, so, very sorry.
Since nobody laughed this morning
HA HA HA are we done now?
(kidding, it’s quite clever)
The protest signs read, “Trump Arrested” and “No One is Above the Law”.
I’m not mad about the protestors. I’m not so much of a Trump fan, since the mRNA shots. Also, he’s rich enough to avoid much of this circus.
Also, I think the protestors are being paid to be there.
Remember, we have an astoundingly low labor force participation rate. Even paid protesting would count as employment.
Dan Bongino is saying that this arrest is a distraction from the imminent collapse of the U.S. dollar
I’m with Dan, although the dollar isn’t gonna collapse tomorrow.
This is a distraction from all kinds of fuckery, economic and geopolitical.
I am tiring of the drama, though. “They arrested Jesus right before Easter!” “This is the end of the Republic!”
Spare me.
I don’t understand the game theory that the left is pursuing with this prosecution. I don’t see how they “win” here. Then again, I don’t see how anyone wins here. It looks like lose-lose to me.
Then again, someone always profits from every disaster.
This is all part of Trump’s plan to drain the swamp, anon!
*irises turn into “Q’s”*
Dragging out speed trial to next year is how they win
The news channel at work said the prosecution wants a January 2024 trial date. Obviously trying to sabotage his campaign.
Thankfully, I don’t even think I’ve heard a conservative take on the topic. I tired of the “they’re destroying all the norms of society!!!” whinging years ago.
Yeah, they’re deconstructing western civilization. Bitching on Twitter does nothing to stop it.
And the Bidens’ corruption and inflation and…
https://twitter.com/SallyMayweather/status/1643257565923426304
I need to dig out the Uncle Joe image.
https://www.glibertarians.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/Uncle-Joe-Says.png
Very funny…
…you go to Gulag.
thanks
So do you for laughing.
Funny. But a better analogy are all the Latin American and African “democracies” who arrest people after a change in the group in power.
I’m thinking it’s a massive fuckup made out of desperation.
Ponder for a moment that the SDNY passed on prosecuting Trump.
If the NY banks are behind Trump, and I think they are, Bragg is in for a bad time. Wall Street still rules NYC. The politicians are just window dressing.
If that’s true, why wasn’t this killed in the cradle? Why didn’t Wall Street stop the grand jury from getting the case, from the indictment being made, etc.?
I mean, the judge on this case has a daughter who works for Biden’s campaign, for fucks sake. They’re not even pretending at this point.
And apparently Schiffs too
Rope a dope gambit.
I think there is a large portion of D’s who don’t like woke. And they are quite happy to see an a-hole prosecutor of the woke variety take on a stupid case against Trump, whom they also hate.
For people of that ilk, it is a win-win. Also, red meat for the base.
Some of my prog friends are very upset about this. They allow that no one is above the law and Trump should be prosecuted for this UNPRECEDENTED act to steal an election. BUT, they thought the NY AG should have waited for the Georgia election-tampering case because that is a much more UNPRECEDENTED attempt to overthrow a legitimate election.
🙄
Bad Orange Jumpsuit Man is bad.
I’m with Dan, although the dollar isn’t gonna collapse tomorrow.
This is a distraction from all kinds of fuckery, economic and geopolitical.
Rome wasn’t burned in a day.
Is Manhattan on fire yet? Anyone checked in on Rhywun?
No but we just rained 2 billion more in Ukraine
https://www.defense.gov/News/Releases/Release/Article/3350958/biden-administration-announces-additional-security-assistance-for-ukraine/
Cunts.
Also Finland just latched on the the NATO teat.
Calling Rhywun a Manhattanite is like calling Dr. Chet a psychologist.
Second time in a week we’ve gotten hail.
What the hail?
Is Manhattan on fire yet?
We can hope.
I don’t understand the game theory that the left is pursuing with this prosecution.
I’m not sure the thought process is any different than the one which leads somebody to think shooting up a school or a shopping mall will is a good idea.
34 felony counts
Very definition of throwing shit at the wall
Falsification of business records? Or did they get some diversity?
The same misdemeanor past the statute of limitation repeated 33 times.
Anyone catch Brandon Herrera’s sub2k review video?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vR_5Ht69xCo
Much lulz.
You can’t make this shit up.
Stormy has to pay up.
Again.
That’s a lot of bukkake money.
She’s really getting screwed.
Did they set President Cartoon Villain’s bail at fifty billion dollars and bolt a lo-jack on him?
They also said he could no longer use his levitation powers.
A ray of sunshine.
Reminds me of Deadliest Catch when the Time Bandit rescued the guy that went overboard from another ship.
Elon hits one out of the park
Perfection.
Trump should have driven to the courthouse in a white ’90s Bronco