The 2022 Rock Cobbler in Bakersfield made headlines because one of the riders thought he could take on a bull. Most normal people looked at that and said, “Stupid cyclist.” I looked at it and said, “That looks like fun. I have to try it, even though it’s in Bakersfield.” So I signed up for the 2023 edition.
The event started the evening prior to the race with packet pickup and dinner. Though the event is described as a ride, not a race, there was the usual dick measuring between riders. The competition was stiff, so while others were comparing their junk, I was looking at gears. The ride is known for extremely steep climbs, and the rider guide said “Gearing of STUPID LOW or some really low gearing is recommended.” My rear cogs were looking kind of small in comparison to what I saw on other bikes. I was feeling inadequate. Would I measure up? Would I have the endurance? Could I last more than 4 hours without calling a doctor? Nothing I could do now. No more contemplating mechanical dysfunction. I was committed. Thankfully I was doing the short course AKA The Pebbler, only 52 miles and 5300 feet of climbing compared to 78 miles and 8000 feet of climbing for the full Cobbler.
Though beer was free (if Coors can be considered beer), I figured it was best not to drink before the big day. There will be time for that after the ride. I grabbed my dinner and headed over to watch the bike barrel racing. A handful of locals and a guy in a bull costume gave it a go before the big guns came out, one a pro rider and the other the current mountain bike world champion. The pro won the $100 prize, but spoiler alert, the mountain biker would get his revenge the next day.
Saturday morning. At last the big day was here. I got to the venue early, assembled my bike, filled my pockets with what I would need through the day, and headed to the staging area. It was cold so I hung out by the fire. There was a moment of silence for last year’s female winner, who made headlines not for tangling with a bull and its horns, but for tangling with a woman scorned and armed. We were ready to roll. We started in waves, the first for the heavy hitters on the long course. Those of us on the short course would have to wait for the last wave.
Finally at 8:30 we were off. The first 5 miles were on a bike path next to the Kern River. It was fast as people were trying to stay in the bunch to take advantage of the draft. Then a sharp right turn onto the first climb, which spread out the group. The next several miles were uneventful mostly on dirt through the rolling hills east of Bakersfield. A few steep pitches where those with even the biggest cogs had to get off and walk putting my mind at ease about my gearing. I probably could have ridden these pitches, but why burn the matches? At mile 12 the group came to a halt. A 10 year old kid was handing out shots of booze to the riders, which was unexpected, but what came next was even stranger. The course turned left into someone’s backyard, past the pool, through the living room and out the front door. Who the hell lets 1000 cyclists ride through their living room? That’s kind of gross. Bakersfield, man. Or maybe Bakersfield Man. Actually, it was Tacoman.
About mile 25 we started the longest climb of the day, about 3.5 miles and 1000+ feet vertical. This would be a good time to grab a gel for some calories at the start of the climb. I feel my pockets, and realize I forgot to bring them. Dumbass. Most of the climb was pretty gradual, but the higher we got, the muddier it became. They say a rolling stone gathers no moss, but a rolling bike tire gathers plenty of mass in the form of mud and cow pies making the uphill more difficult. About 100 yards from the apparent end of the climb, the mud got ankle deep, the pitch hit about 20%, and so much mud accumulated that the wheels stopped rotating. Time for some hike-a-bike. We reached a plateau and it was time to pull out the tongue depressors they gave us to scrape off the mud to get the wheels rotating freely. Aw crap, I forgot those too. Idiot. I had to use my fingers and not think about what was mixed in with mud. Alas, it was a case of premature immaculation, because there was about 100 more yards of trudging through sticky mud before we hit the crest of the hill.
I get to the top, clean the tires and frame again and start downhill. The road is still muddy, and I’m sliding every which way. I try the grass off to the side, because grass is grip. But that’s muddy too thanks to the hundreds of riders that came before and climate change. When loosened by cattle and bikes, the grass becomes the matrix in the epoxy of mud. My people call it adobe. I start slipping and sliding sideways and down the hill as it gets ever steeper. I manage to stop and walk down to where it’s not so steep. Finally I get to a different geological layer that’s more sand than mud and remount for the descent. Never thought I’d be glad to see sand.
Down safely, the course veered off onto some single track. According to my GPS, there’s one more climb before we hit The Cow Trail of Death. I reach the top of the hill and head on in. Yay, though I ride the Cow Trail of Death, I shall not fall. Unless I’m thrown off by deep hoof prints or by the grooves left by hundreds of cyclists. There’s a sharp switchback where two hills come together like a buttcrack. Slow down, bump, wobble, swerve, panic, unclip, unclench, whew, came out alive. Much like an evening with Winston’s Mom.
From there it was a bumpy descent toward the Kern River, around some orange groves, some asphalt and flat dirt, until we made a sharp left to The Runup, a section so steep even the best riders have to walk. The organizer touts a 30% runup on the website. This was more like 50%. There was no running, just up. Using the steps created by previous riders I crabwalk up the hill. It was a slow grind up the slope, but in a way it was nice to be using different muscles. The last hard climb of the day out of the way, it was time to descend to Toads.
Toads is a deep gully that veers left and right with steep banks on either side with a bottom of sand and baby heads. The key is to keep your speed and use the banks like race car drivers do. This is not my forte. I manage to navigate some of the initial turns but get sloppier with each subsequent bend. Brush the edge with my shoulder, recover, make a couple more turns, then my front wheel slides out and I’m down. No scrapes, no bruises, just a little dirty, and my confidence shaken. I remount and start riding more cautiously. About 100 yards down the trail a rider has fallen and can’t get up. He is screaming in pain, but he’s getting first aid from a couple others. I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know if he broke his leg or sprained his ankle, but it was swollen pretty seriously and appeared to be twisted in a way it shouldn’t be. Help was on its way, and there was not much the growing crowd of riders could do. With the aid of one of the people staying behind, we climbed around the injured rider, careful so as not to slide down onto him. At the exit of Toads a race photographer was snapping shots, but riding tentatively, I deprived him of a heroic action shot as I nursed my bike out of the gully.
From Toads we make our way onto the asphalt for the last small climb of the day, then back on to some dirt and through a water obstacle in front of a roadhouse where the patrons cheered us on. Should I stop for a beer? It’s tempting, but I’ve got four beer tickets in my pocket (I remembered those), and I was only a few miles from the finish.
Onto a bike path for the run to the finish. I missed a turn that took the course to the dirt path on the far side of a canal, but I decided not to retrace my steps. The true course didn’t add any distance or elevation, just a little more hard packed dirt. I won’t tell, if you don’t. Finally into the venue with a last bit over some grass, through a volleyball pit and on to the finish, where we collected our prize, a shovel suitable for slinging bullshit with fellow riders after the race or for digging a shallow grave. BBQ and beer was waiting. A good time was had by most.
Would I do it again? Hell yeah. I might even try the longer course if I get easier gearing. Should you do it? If you like riding, are looking for some tomfoolery, and need a reason to go to Bakersfield, absolutely. Or you can amuse yourself watching the video of the cyclist getting taken down by the bull. Stupid cyclist.
I do not care for a ride, but I do care for a First. Of course.
My rear cogs were looking kind of small in comparison to what I saw on other bikes.
These euphemisms.
I’m amazed you remembered to bring your bike…
Fun is subjective.
“Lovely weather, I think I’ll take my bike for a walk.”
“only”
What did you put in your pockets?
Obviously not things you needed.
Forgot to add, this is a great write up.
The toads look sketchy as hell.
Ahem.
Beer tickets?
You’re right, he did remember the important things.
Much like an evening with Winston’s Mom.
HIYOOO!
Nice article Mr. Roberto. I’m not a rider, but I can see the appeal of these adventure rides!
He didn’t need a course of antibiotics after this ride.
Good thing the ride through the house came before the ride through the adobe*.
* and unsure if cow pattie was part of the original recipe.
*It is an important ingredient
Well, it does have grass in it.
Great write-up.
Perfect mix of narrative and goofy, reminds me of Dave Barry.
“A few steep pitches where those with even the biggest cogs had to get off and walk”
Sounds like cheating, you should have to ride the whole way.
“Toads is a deep gully that veers left and right with steep banks on either side with a bottom of sand and baby heads”
I about lost it here. You would have owed me a new laptop.
“The pro won the $100 prize, but spoiler alert, the mountain biker would get his revenge the next day.”
I don’t feel like I ever got resolution on this tidbit.
Good visuals too.
The guy who is the current world champion in cross country mountain biking won by 4 seconds over a former pro who raced at the Tour de France level and by about 12 minutes over a current pro who won the barrel race. Though technically it’s not a race. The website says “ROCK COBBLER AIN’T A RACE, BUT SOMEHOW, SOMEONE’S ALWAYS THE FASTEST?!!”
You don’t know me,
but you don’t like me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mB7oUI32E1Y
I’d think twice about walking the Cow Path of Death. Jeebus.
Sounds like . . . fun? It actually does look like something Mrs. Dean would have done in her mountain biking days.
Fun read JR. Sounds like a fun adventured. As in my favorite Chesterton quot.
“An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered. An adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.”
Related GlibFit truth.
One of my college professors had a poster on his door — Every morning, eat a live frog for breakfast. Then nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
“Toads”
So, I guess sort of on topic.
But where do you secure a steady supply of frenchmen?
If you’re careful, you can eat off a live Frenchman for days.
I heard a podcast with Todd McFarlane recently. His advice was to wake up every day and tell yourself something like “Not everything is going to go perfectly today.” I’ve been doing that, it really does help.
Sometimes running in the morning is the best part of the day.
Sure, as long as you are faster than whoever is chasing you.
STEVE AM FASTER. DON’T BE IN LAST PLACE.
Also, Tundra, I bought some Topo running shoes.
Those things are the most comfortable running shoes I’ve had.
Excellent! Road or trail?
I just got a pair of their trail shoes and so far I really like them, too.
Trail, I run on a dirt path.
Since I retired from the Marines and don’t have to run on concrete anymore, my knees have been much better.
That looks like a good time, albeit a painful one.
Continuing the PL discussion, Leeds admits to wild desperation.
Which brings up the question – who really is the worst owner in the PL? Seems like Leeds is making a strong run at both Chelsea and Tottenham. Even the Glazers don’t like so bad now.
How are you defining worst?
Most meddlesome or results not meeting expectations?
Hmm, guess I was thinking of how those two go together. But you could tackle them independently.
My son doesn’t hate Todd Boehly that much. He has spent a ton of money but ended up with lousy results for Chelsea.
How is your son feeling right now?
The Glazers are still bad. At least ENIC built a brand new stadium in London.
Bottom line: After licking the Toad, everything got brighter.
Obligatory: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQEhBai711o
Great article and illos. Thanks.
Wow… OT – I didn’t realize this was a bench trial. I’m guessing they figured they had zero chance with a jury.
Ex-officer Thao convicted of aiding George Floyd’s killing
https://apnews.com/article/george-floyd-minneapolis-officer-tou-thao-841814b3f2d4258b79f3ae408ba11fac
I’m just here to say George Floyd was a real piece of shit.
Far from the ideal case for police accountability.
He dies from an overdose and the cops are being held to a higher standard than normal because it looked bad.
Throw a flashbang in a baby’s crib, no big deal.
Yup.
Yep. And we put lots of people in jail for killing other pieces of shit, all the time.
I remain unconvinced that the cops actually killed him. It’s certainly a possibility, but he was complaining about shortness of breath (typical of a fentanyl overdose) before they put him on the ground. His piece of shitness is irrevelant, except insofar as it required him to be arrested and restrained. Vaguer recollection: While the ambulance got there late, I don’t recall that much a delay in calling for one.
They were delayed because of the fucking mob. Procedure is to wait for police to secure the area before EMTs go in.
Floyd’s death could absolutely be attributed to the shitheads in the crowd.
This is one of the things I thought about when I saw it on the news.
‘How (extra) long is this going to take because of all these dipshits hanging around?
This. I did not go in until the scene was confirmed secure.
I just googled it and under 100 enrties “debunking” the claim, I found this:
https://www.kare11.com/article/news/local/george-floyd/new-court-docs-say-george-floyd-had-fatal-level-of-fentanyl-in-his-system/89-ed69d09d-a9ec-481c-90fe-7acd4ead3d04
So I don’t know.
I don’t want to defend sitting with a knee on the neck, but I’m not sure that alone would kill him.
SLD: I still hate cops.
“I’m not sure that alone would kill him”
So you would vote to acquit?
Not sure, I didn’t watch the trial that closely.
I remain unconvinced that the cops actually killed him.
Fentanyl Floyd killed Fentanyl Floyd…with fentanyl. The cops, particularly Chauvin, can be assholes and not guilty of murder* at the same time.
*Especially when Chauvin was convicted of three charges that all describe a different set of circumstances of one person killing another for one alleged instance.
When Chauvin started kneeling on the guy’s neck he was alive, when he stopped 9 1/2 minutes later, he was dead (no pulse). He kept kneeling on the man’s neck while he was dying. 4 minutes and 45 seconds as he cried out for help, 53 seconds as he went into seizures, and 3 minutes and 51 seconds after he went limp and was non-responsive. Chauvin did this knowing that the man was in an overdosed state, in need of medical care, and none of the other officers (including this particular guy, who was trained and authorized to do so) stopped it, or tried to provide medical treatment. In fact, they prevented other people from attempting to render aid, including an off work EMT.
The question is, is it beyond a reasonable doubt that Floyd would have lived but for Chauvin’s restraint? I have a hard time answering that “yes”. Even with those facts in hand. And assuming that there are no mitigating facts (such as the video showing Chauvin’s knee was not on his neck the entire time, but was positioned at least at some point(s) more on his shoulder/back).
It doesn’t matter if he would have died later anyway, only whether or not Chauvin contributed to his death through his actions, and if those actions were reasonable. If somebody is lying on their death bed with cancer, it’s still murder if you strangle them.
On the one hand, I believe that in a just society, a well-armed citizen should have shot Derek Chauvin in the face for apparently trying to murder George Floyd.
On the other hand, I would not have voted to convict Chauvin in his trial, because there was ample evidence to produce reasonable doubt that Chauvin caused Floyd’s death. And there was clear evidence that important people were trying to rile up the population and force the jury to vote to convict.
True, as far is it goes, Fatty. The question is, was Chauvin’s restraint the proximate cause of Floyd’s death? If you strangle somebody who is dying of cancer, your strangulation of them is the proximate cause of death. In Floyd’s case, he died of asphyxiation, which has two potential causes – Chauvin’s restraint, and the fentanyl overdose. I can’t say beyond a reasonable doubt that it Chauvin’s restraint contributed to his death, because I think there is a significant likelihood he would have died just from the overdose. If that’s where you land, I don’t even think you get to the reasonableness of Chauvin’s actions.
Fuck them. I’m no fan of MPD but this is just retarded.
There’s that curious capitalization again. DIAF, AP.
Fucking Bakersfield. It should be wiped from the face of the earth. But I’m glad you had fun.
That’s how I feel about the entire world. Just one big hive of secondry and villainy.
I never thought I’d say this, but Bakersfield in February was kind of nice. The hills were green, the air was clear, the mountains were visible, the temperature was comfortable.
OT: About this writer’s strike…perhaps now is the time to find a Hollywood Producer and send them the script Straff and I wrote about Harvey Weinstein.
What if this strike goes on a long time and we see some of SF’s work on the big screen?
The Mouth of Madness/Event Horizon were documentaries.
Is this what they teach in the NPR stylebook?
This interactive chatbot was trained by reading through a ton of previous conversations between reps and customers. It has recognized word patterns in these conversations, identifying key phrases and common problems facing customers and how to solve them. Because the company tracks which conversations leave its customers satisfied, the AI chatbot also knows formulas that often lead to success. Think, like, interactions that customers give a 5 star rating. “I’m so sorry you’re frustrated with error message 504. All you have to do is restart your computer and then press CTRL-ALT-SHIFT. Have a blessed day!”
Maybe you should swap some diversity hires for an editor.
Maybe they should have spent more on design and QA of the software – you know, make sure it is usable before deploying it?
The current version of the NPR style book is just a jacket that says “Stylebook” wrapped around a copy of the Communist Manifesto.
At the same time, Brynjolfsson says, there are no guarantees about how this pie will be distributed. Even when the pie gets bigger, there are people who could see their slice get smaller or even disappear. “It’s very clear that it’s not automatic that the bigger pie is evenly shared by everybody,” Brynjolfsson says. “We have to put in place policies, whether it’s in tax policy or the strategy of companies like this one, which make sure the gains are more widely shared.”
Of course.
No we don’t
It will totally work this time, I’m sure.
The industrial revolution destroyed the careers of millions of skilled tradesman. That’s what technology does. Get over it.
Chatbot, how do you make socialism work?
Chatbot: kill all humans, so everyone is equal.
Q for the handy Glibs:
I’ve got an old parts suitcase that I want to convert into a gun case. Is there any tool that I can use to cleanly scoop out the (closed cell) foam? Hot knives will cut it cleanly, but digging out will be ragged.
Upholsters use electric kitchen knifes.
I’ve had reasonable success with hacksaw blades. The issue is the bit on the bottom.
It’s the adhesive. Probably need a solvent.
Yeah, I’m just looking to cut about 0.5″ deep into the foam. Unfortunately it’s not a 3-layer foam where you can just carve out the middle.
https://www.grommetsdepot.com/cutting-machines-and-supplies/
If you stop to watch one thing today, let this be it.
Ray of Sunshine.
Mmmmmm….. all that steak
Thanks for that
thanks
Aww, Cheryl Crow was a cute kid.
Relevant
Daily Ray of Deathgaze
https://www.inquirer.com/news/thomas-jefferson-university-president-twitter-apologizes-20230501.html
Mao would be proud.
I will celebrate, cheer, and clap when these midwit ghouls are hung from lampposts.
Reminds me of this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9JWRlLeV60
FGM proponents just didn’t communicate hard enough.
They were pictured with pitchforks and torches?
question the science of COVID-19 vaccines and call gender reassignment surgery “child mutilation.”
The
vaxgene therapy is poison and minor gender reassignment is child mutilation.This is not my clinical area of expertise.
“I’m not a biologist.”
Yeah, what would a molecular immunologist know about vaccines, anyway?
And it is, of course, self-evident that transgender surgery is genital mutilation. It removes or otherwise remakes genitals for non-medical purposes.
Do you accept that the laptop is not Russian disinformation?” Hall followed up.
Blinken deflected the question, saying he was “fully occupied” with other matters.
“From my perspective, I’m not not engaging in politics,” he said. “I’ve got a lot on my agenda, things that we’ve just talked about — trying to help the Ukrainians in the Russian aggression against them, engaging with allies and partners around the world in dealing with some of the challenges posed by China. We have a situation now in Sudan. This has fully occupied my time. So that’s where my focus is.”
https://nypost.com/2023/05/01/antony-blinken-spies-who-lie-letter-wasnt-my-idea-didnt-ask-for-it-still-refuses-to-call-hunter-laptop-real/
“I’m too busy destroying the Western world to deal with your trifling accusations.”
Wasn’t he working for Biden’s campaign at the time? So at the time of the letter, his job was 100% politics. But I guess like Fauci, hey that was the past, mistakes may or may not have been made, let’s forget about it and concentrate on important matters like paperwork Trump filled out a decade ago.
Kiev is trying really hard to get people to hate them.
https://www.rt.com/news/575622-ukraine-jameson-whiskey-boycott/
Aren’t they the ones with the commercial where the straight white dude goes to the lesbian bar?
Didn’t Brandon try to molest your daughter once?
“He was faster on his feet than most members of Congress…We should be focusing some on the wisdom and experience he brings to the job, in addition to the accomplishments,” Sen. Chris Coons tells @MarthaRaddatz amid concerns of Pres. Biden’s age.
Define “accomplishment.”
“He was faster on his feet than most members of Congress”
Weird. I thought he was known in DC as being one of the dimmer members of Congress.
He was known as a confabulating dumbfuck and that was before two aneurysms and age had their way with him.
You should see how fast he could plagiarise and make up stories right on the spot!
Gender
queer-KarenI don’t know why “fuck off, already” isn’t a perfectly good response to somebody sticking their dick into your business like that.
That’s gotta be a setup/parody.
I want to believe that you’re correct.
Oh, I am impressed. I’m sure I would’ve given her a boot to the face.
Sweet ride JR. Looks like some fun. That cyclist should’ve known better. Bulls are becoming more aggressive due to climate change.
Finally somebody on Team Red decided to do it.
https://www.foxnews.com/media/indiana-councilman-came-out-native-american-lesbian-pushes-back-critics
Hero
Nice write up! That looked like fun.