Joemala: Episode 107

by | May 10, 2023 | Joemala | 110 comments

 

“The asshole is a universal vagina through which femaleness can always be accessed,” Hunter purred into Karine’s ear.

“Stop quoting poetry, Hunter,” Karine said, shrugging off his lingering touch. “I’m married to a woman. I’m a gold star and you don’t interest me at all.”

“I want to jizz all over your hair,” Hunter replied languidly.

“Out, Dad!” Finnegan yelled. “Out, out, out, out!”

“Calm down,” Hunter said.

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” Finnegan screamed back at him.

“Did I have breakfast this morning?” Joe asked.

“You had cream of wheat, Grandpa,” Finnegan said.

“I don’t remember having cream of wheat. Are you sure I had breakfast?”

“You did have breakfast this morning, Dad,” Hunter told him.

“Is it time to go to bed?” Joe asked.

“It’s 10:30 in the morning, sir,” Karine said.

The Oval Office was hot and muggy, kept like a swamp to make Joe’s dried meat moist and flexible. Mold grew in the corners and cracks and under the layers of rotting wallpaper. Corruption from the heat. Sunlight rarely penetrated the thick bulletproof window to sterilize.

Hunter and Karine and Finnegan warily circled each other in a tense silence while Joe dozed off, his mouth making chewing motions, eating again his forgotten breakfast. Hunter adjusted and readjusted his genitals in his jockstrap. Karine watched despite herself, fascinated by the workings of the twig and berries she had no experience with.

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan, Finnegan thought in her father’s wake. It was her main intrusive thought, sometimes having it running in her mind all day like some demonically literate jingle. She watched Karine watch her father play with himself and thought again about her life, if the promises of the family could possibly be worth this. Not for the first time or the hundredth she thought about the money, the power and if all this could possibly be worth it. Grandpa had been goaded into running for President again. He was the only man who could save the country, they told him. It was imperative he go through another grueling national campaign. It was brave for him to seek to drool in this office for another four years. And important to risk the humiliation of defeat at the orange hands of Donald Trump.

“But I did have breakfast this morning,” Joe mumbled in his sleep.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

110 Comments

  1. Brochettaward

    I am here today to fight back against the notion that there are homoerotic undertones to Firsting. There is nothing even remotely homosexual about Firsting.

    • juris imprudent

      It’s only homosexual because of your narcissism.

      • Shirley Knott

        The only thing that keeps him from being a solipsist is his desperate, pathetic, need for attention.

  2. The Late P Brooks

    Flickers of revelation and understanding. Good.

  3. Yusef drives a Kia

    The images!
    Ghaaa!!!

  4. The Late P Brooks

    Who is Buck Mulligan? Some Faulkner mope?

    • juris imprudent

      I’m not googling that, not even ddg. Being a SF reference, it means some kind of doom.

      • Not Adahn

        He loved Big Brother.

    • Tonio

      Buck Mulligan is a James Joyce character.

      • Not Adahn

        Yeah, but in Ulysses, not Finnegan’s Wake.

      • DEG

        Close enough for government work.

        I mean, this is a story about people in the government.

      • Hank

        Ulysses used to be banned as obscene, but the judge showed copies to three of his friends, who weren’t turned on by it, so the judge legalized it.

  5. DEG

    I’m a gold star and you don’t interest me at all.

    I’ve seen this trope before.

  6. DEG

    Karine watched despite herself, fascinated by the workings of the twig and berries she had no experience with.

    Hunter will be her first guy.

  7. Count Potato

    ““The asshole is a universal vagina through which femaleness can always be accessed,” Hunter purred into Karine’s ear.”

    That Pulitzer should have gone to SF.

      • ron73440

        I was happier thinking that was fiction.

      • DEG

        Barf.

      • juris imprudent

        Fuck, I could’ve gone the rest of my life in happy ignorance of that shitbird.

      • R C Dean

        OK, I’ll ask:

        WTF is “trans-identifying”?

      • Penguin

        Someone who wants social credit among leftist douchebags, but doesn’t want to have their genitals actually mutilated.

      • Ownbestenemy

        That is shit you say on coco-puffs

    • Lackadaisical

      Lol, I didn’t get the Pulitzer reference at all. That’s great. Reality is truly beyond parody.

  8. DEG

    Not for the first time or the hundredth she thought about the money, the power and if all this could possibly be worth it.

    Stop wondering about it and do something about it.

  9. The Late P Brooks

    Stop wondering about it and do something about it.

    Finnegan, in a trench coat, in the parking garage, with the goods.

  10. ron73440

    The Oval Office was hot and muggy, kept like a swamp to make Joe’s dried meat moist and flexible.

    It was all pretty disturbing, but keeping Joe’s meat moist and flexible was really not an image I needed.

  11. rhywun

    kept like a swamp to make Joe’s dried meat moist and flexible

    Oh dear God.

  12. Not Adahn

    Finnegan thought in her father’s wake.

    It was seen, and temporarily confused.

    • SugarFree

      I am just toying with you now.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    The Oval Office was hot and muggy, kept like a swamp to make Joe’s dried meat moist and flexible. Mold grew in the corners and cracks and under the layers of rotting wallpaper. Corruption from the heat. Sunlight rarely penetrated the thick bulletproof window to sterilize.

    Like General Sternwood’s orchid sanctuary.

    • Compelled Speechless

      I was picturing the dilapidated hotel that houses the devil in Barton Fink.

      • juris imprudent

        Oh yes, the profuse perspiration in place of inspiration.

  14. db

    “The asshole is a universal vagina through which femaleness can always be accessed,” Hunter purred into Karine’s ear.

    Strong start from the Saccharine Salamander …

    The Oval Office was hot and muggy, kept like a swamp to make Joe’s dried meat moist and flexible. Mold grew in the corners and cracks and under the layers of rotting wallpaper.

    The Triple Lulz!

    “But I did have breakfast this morning,” Joe mumbled in his sleep.

    And he sticks the landing!

    • Tonio

      And speaking of apt metaphors…

  15. Tonio

    Mold grew in the corners and cracks and under the layers of rotting wallpaper. Corruption from the heat. Sunlight rarely penetrated the thick bulletproof window to sterilize.

    So. Beautiful. Such an apt metaphor.

    It was brave for him to seek to drool in this office for another four years.

    In his somber chamber in DC, senile Biden sleeps drooling.

    • Drake

      Supposedly (but probably not) Nero played a fiddle while Rome burned. Joe drooling while the U.S. collapses is the perfect image for this age.

    • WTF

      Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Biden R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn

    • Penguin

      “In his somber chamber in DC, senile Biden sleeps drooling.”

      Are you implying when Joe speaks apparent gibberish, he’s actually trying to summon the Great Old Ones?

      • Penguin

        refresh before replying…refresh before reply…

  16. The Late P Brooks


    Buck Mulligan is a James Joyce character.

    Huh. I read it, but it didn’t take.

    • Hank

      Two Irish stoners travel across the country in search of the Blarney Stone.

  17. Tundra

    I want Finnegan to run far, far away.

    • Sean

      She’s corrupted. There’s no redemption for her.

      • Tundra

        Depends on repentance. I think she’s getting there.

      • Fourscore

        The Finn want’s some of the easy Biden money and doesn’t understand why she didn’t get a cut

  18. The Late P Brooks

    New normal

    That’s because we’re poised to endure at least two major social transformations this century that will reshape the economy — and heighten inflation risks.

    The first is the compounding effects of climate change, which will require massive investments in everything from sea walls to electric transmission lines to clean power generation. We’ll also need to find replacements for traditional plastic and discover greener ways to produce cement, steel, and meat economically. It’s a transition that, all together, will require trillions of dollars in new investment. And we will have to do all of this as worsening fires, droughts, and floods — along with climate-related migration flows — threaten to destabilize many societies and destroy productive capacity.

    This “green transition” is set to coincide with another unprecedented threat to social and economic stability: an aging and eventually shrinking population. By the end of the century, high-income countries and China, which together have consistently produced about 80 percent of the world’s economic output since at least 1960, are projected to lose more than 40 percent of their working-age populations — even as their elderly populations are poised to rise by roughly 60 percent. This “gray transition” will be extremely costly, requiring fewer people to work harder and longer to support a growing number of non-working retirees.

    Handled badly, either of these transitions alone would be enough to generate years of unwelcome price increases as businesses and consumers struggle to adapt to massive changes in the mix of goods and services we need, changes to the ways we produce, and impairments in our overall ability to produce anything. Together, they’re a recipe for prolonged and painful inflation.

    The most important thing we can do to mitigate the damage is to start preparing for these transitions now. Waiting until we have no choice risks more upheaval — and more inflation.

    Fortunately, we have an elite genius class to guide us through the troubled times ahead.

    • kinnath

      I have accepted the fact that I will be working into my 80s.

    • EvilSheldon

      Is ‘compounding effects’ the latest catastrophic bullshit?

      • db

        All the “direct effects” have been shown to be fantasy so…

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        Easier to obfuscate with other bullshit, so yes.

    • The Other Kevin

      Reducing our standard of living was always the point.

      • juris imprudent

        Just ours, not theirs.

    • Tundra

      This “gray transition” will be extremely costly, requiring fewer people to work harder and longer to support a growing number of non-working retirees.

      Lemme guess: you have a solution. Let’s call it “final.”

      • Gustave Lytton

        Maybe if all of the workers were concentrated, they would be able to focus their efforts more efficiently.

      • Tundra

        We still have a fossil fuels issue. Any thoughts on ways to keep warm? Some kind of alternative fuel source?

      • Compelled Speechless

        Logan’s Run: The Game Show!!!

      • R C Dean

        “requiring fewer people to work harder and longer”

        How many articles has Vox run claiming that automation will mean nobody will be able to get a job?

      • Shirley Knott

        Since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution, or more recently?

      • invisible finger

        I just assume Vox articles are written by bots as no real intelligence goes into them.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Start preparing now for our imaginary scenarios, or suffer the consequences!

  19. The Late P Brooks

    Past experience tells us we can prevent, or at least mitigate, many of the costs associated with the green and gray transitions. To understand how, it helps to take a step back and think about what inflation really is.

    The price of any individual good or service is a function of how much people are willing to spend on it and how much is actually available. Prices of specific items can go up and down for all sorts of reasons, like changes in fashions or efficiency improvements. This is business as usual.

    But large, economy-wide price shifts, in the form of either rapid inflation or rapid deflation, come as a result of economic mismanagement, social instability, or both.

    At any given point in time, businesses as a whole are capable of producing a wide range of goods and services. They are constantly competing with each other to deliver more of what consumers and other businesses want, while shedding excess capacity.

    The job of economic policymakers is to make sure that businesses can produce everything consumers want and make sure that consumers have just enough money and credit to afford everything that businesses are capable of producing.

    The Ministry of Plenty will provide, if only the greedy self-interested capitalists can be removed from the playing field.

    • juris imprudent

      This is business as usual.

      This is drivel, as usual. The parasitic class sustained by our prosperity is in for a rude awakening.

    • rhywun

      It’s cute when they try to voxsplain capitalism to us.

      make sure that consumers have just enough money and credit to afford everything that businesses are capable of producing

      And no more.

      • R C Dean

        Of course, we also have to make sure that businesses don’t produce more than we allow people to buy. Truly, the burdens of our rulers are immense.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Lack of sufficiently far reaching fascist industrial policy causes inflation.

    I never knew that.

  21. DEG

    Let’s see if this gets through or Internal Server errors come back….

    “But I did have breakfast this morning,” Joe mumbled in his sleep.

    Excellent.

  22. Rebel Scum

    “Muh narrative control!”

    NBC is triggered by Tucker news:

    “Will anybody be able to police what Carlson says or is this the point? It’s just a free for all?”

    You people really are un-American, tyrannical cuntes.

    • Nephilium

      Free speech is the enemy.

      • The Other Kevin

        Once a long time ago someone said something about yelling fire in a crowded theater, and that means we can’t have free speech.

      • Old Man With Candy

        I love asking people who say that about Schenck. 99.99% of the time, they have no clue. And usually won’t believe me until they look it up.

      • juris imprudent

        I’ve always loved pointing out to the person using that tripe that it came in support of imprisoning Democratic Socialists for opposing WWI.

    • R.J.

      The mask came off a few years ago. This is no surprise. My only surprise is how many ignorant mcnuggets are out there, listening, believing and defending legacy media.

  23. Old Man With Candy

    Finnegan begin again. This is how the handjob story starts.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    “Will anybody be able to police what Carlson says or is this the point? It’s just a free for all?”

    They have abandoned the slightest pretense of a belief in foundational American freedoms.

  25. Cowboy

    Time for Ukraine’s monthly payoff

    • rhywun

      the latest US assistance will not immediately arrive on the battlefield because it must still be procured from the defence industry or US partners

      IOW, it doesn’t exist.

      • Sean

        Don’t worry, they’re not planning on the war ending anytime soon.

      • rhywun

        *whew*

      • Fatty Bolger

        They need time to let everybody skim their portion off the top. I wonder how much actually makes it to the war effort?

  26. kinnath

    Daily Quordle 471
    3️⃣6️⃣
    7️⃣4️⃣

    • Cowboy

      Daily Quordle 471
      3️⃣5️⃣
      7️⃣4️⃣
      m-w.com/games/quordle

  27. Not Adahn

    Since this is the traditional horror story time, today the cafeteria decided to go with a Japanese theme. So the pizza guy decided to make unagi and avocado pizza.

    • The Other Kevin

      Unigi is delicious but I have serious doubts about it working with anything other than rice.

    • SugarFree

      You will live to eat man-made horrors beyond your comprehension.

      • juris imprudent

        David Cronenberg comes to Food Network?

    • Timeloose

      I ate some wacko pizza in a Japanese beer bar, with what I thought were sprouts. Turns out they were some kind of tiny fish 1/2 the size of rice grains. Tasted ok, kind of like a salty tuna fish.

      • Timeloose

        Looks like it was probably baby anchovies.

        I never knowingly ate this toping, but it even more Japanese:
        Shirako
        If baby anchovies seem too normal of a pizza topping and you’re looking for something even more bizarre, shirako may be the Japanese pizza topping for you. In English it’s known as “cod milt”, which is the polite term for cod fish sperm. Shirako is milky and white, with a lightly fishy flavor—even many Japanese people consider it an acquired taste.

        Looks like you think is would.

      • R C Dean

        So, how do they actually acquire the shirako?

      • juris imprudent

        That a Cuntes and Cods joke, right?

      • The Other Kevin

        You can find out on their OnlyFans site, which by the way makes a lot more money than the actual sale of shirako.

      • Timeloose

        I believe they use Winston’ s Mom.

      • Fatty Bolger

        *gags*

      • Cowboy

        Wow and I thought Brazil had a monopoly on pizza crimes.

      • Nephilium

        Timeloose:

        OT, but I saw this piece of art at Viva, and thought you would appreciate it.

      • Timeloose

        Nice one!!

        Sounds like you had a blast at Viva. I’m off to Cruel World next weekend.

      • Timeloose

        I kind of wished it was a Whippet Dog.

      • Nephilium

        There’s also a pin of the Devo Cat. The Whippet would be better, but he does take commissions. 🙂

        Viva was a good time, ran into people we’ve met from years past, met some new people, came in under budget. Looks like I’ll be missing the NOFX Punk in Drublic final tour down south, as the girlfriend will be working in her salon, and I’m not planning on going solo to it.

        Hope you enjoy Cruel World.

      • Shirley Knott

        “Cats on synths” is a huge multi-faceted meme in the synth community. Unbelievably widespread; probably greater market penetration than any single manufacturer, or maybe even form factor.

    • rhywun

      However, it was Alcaraz’s birthday on Friday

      *barf*

      I saw the orgasming in the stadium over his birthday there last year. I guess that is going to be a routine because that fucking punk wins everything he enters.

  28. The Last American Hero

    Play best of 5 instead of beat of 3and get the big cake.

  29. Lackadaisical

    “I want to jizz all over your hair,”

    Girls hate that… Not gonna get her that way Mr Biden.