Monday Afternoon Florida Man Links

by | May 1, 2023 | Daily Links | 159 comments

Not much to report on this Florida Monday. It was too cold to swim this weekend after a cold front passed through. 75 and less than 50% humidity? Fucking Californians are ruining our… checks notes… climate? But seriously, April should be warm enough for non-Canadians to swim here.

It looks like the football is down, who wants to bet on whether Charlie Brown finally connects on limiting the power of federal agencies? I wonder if having crazed people coming to your house to assassinate you based on rhetoric of other Federal branches of government changes the USSC’s mind on this.

I told my wife, if I go missing on the Appalachian Trail, its on purpose. Don’t send help. I’m going to live or die on my own.

I’m sorry, [Elon], I can’t do that.

I’ll bet she was popular on deployments.

 

Today’s song namechecks a bunch of my favorite places in North Florida, and leaves me feeling old when I can chuckle and sympathize about the refrain “I keep losing my glasses”.

About The Author

Brett L

Brett L

Brett set out to find America, the real America, the America of strip malls and serial killers, of butthole waxing and kelp smoothies, of cocaine and maggots. He sought it in the most American part of America—Florida: swamp gas and fever dreams, where love arrives on a rickety boat and leaves when it doesn't have the money for its fourth abortion. Oh, where has Brett gone? He’s drinking at the neck of America’s wang, chewing its foreskin and working its shaft. Brett is becoming legend. Brett can never die. Brett can never die. Brett is America, facedown in his own patriotic puke: the red his blood, the white his stomach lining, and the cold, cold blue his gas station slushie, spiked with coconut rum and tetracycline.

159 Comments

  1. Rebel Scum

    I’m sorry, [Elon], I can’t do that.

    I, too, go off after 40 seconds.

    • Tundra

      Braggart.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Think about changing a tire.

      • Tonio

        Think about Robbie Soave.

      • Lackadaisical

        Just making some gel for the hair.

      • Red Pill Matt

        Think about Brochettaward firsting.

      • Tonio

        [golf clap]

      • Brochettaward

        Firster than light.

  2. Swiss Servator

    Chevron deference was an abomination and I can only hope it goes away. No branch should get any deference or benefit of the doubt.

    • UnCivilServant

      Agreed.

      Deferrence should always be adjudicated in favor of the citizen when it’s citizen versus government.

  3. Shpip

    USF student goes from Navy officer to beauty pageant contestant

    20-year old college students are Navy officers?

    Oh… reporter doesn’t know the difference between ROTC and having a commission.

    • Rat on a train

      Officially Midshipmen are uncommissioned (different from non-commissioned) officers. They rank between enlisted and warrants. We had Army ROTC equivalents do a two week AT with us. They were given the courtesies of an officer but no authority.

      • Bobarian LMD

        What do Plebes rank? —— The Superintendent’s dog, the Commandant’s cat, the waiters in the Mess Hall, the Hell Cats, the Generals in the Air Force, and all the Admirals in the whole damned Navy.

      • Rat on a train

        Getting shuffled around government hand-me-down office space I ended up in an office with old desks. I found a stack of pre-signed Army commissioning certificates in the my desk. I took a couple home and commissioned my cats in the Army.

      • Animal

        A cat as a 2LT? Well, as long as you didn’t give them a map and a compass, things probably worked out OK.

      • Rat on a train

        Cats don’t get lost as easily as a 2LT.

    • Gustave Lytton

      We had a 20 year old 2LT in my guard unit who was a college student. He came out of NMI (2yr associates) and was commissioned based on that. Was in the guard until he finished his 4yr degree and could go active.

  4. Rebel Scum

    I’ll bet she was popular on deployments.

    Filthy buggers go from port to port.

    • Bob Boberson

      Popularity on deployments is probably at least as proportional to how willing she is to put out (to LOTS of dudes) as it is to how attractive she is.

      Long live the desert queen.

      • Lackadaisical

        Mostly this, I’m guessing?

        She isn’t much of a looker, at least based on the photo included in the article.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Dark Brandon is a senile douchebag.

  5. Tundra

    “I’ve been wearing heals around my room, walking around, because I’m not very good walking in heels,” said Aponte.

    Fucking editors, how do they work?

    • Plinker762

      Correcting errors is white supremacy.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Pointing out errors is straight up rayciss, yo!

    • Tonio

      Fucking editors, how do they work?

      Generally wearing sweats, and at least halfway baked.

      • Pope Jimbo

        I wouldn’t think a Fucking editor would be wearing any sort of pants or undergarments.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Three words: “Embarrassing butt acne.”

      • Animal

        Only halfway?

      • Spudalicious

        Gotta be able to focus.

  6. Drake

    I hiked a decent stretch of the Appalachian Trail along the NC / TN border a long time ago. I remember thinking that if I put on my camo and wandered off the trail, nobody would ever find me unless I wanted them to. I think that abortion clinic bomber guy was hiding out in the area around that time.

    • EvilSheldon

      My thoughts exactly. Great Smoky Mountains NP is not a place to fuck around if you don’t know what you’re doing.

      Incidentally, if I don’t get into USPSA Nationals I’m probably gonna spend my booked vacation backpacking down that way…

    • slumbrew

      Dude was solo hiking at 69 years old. That’s pretty hardcore.

      • Tonio

        It is. Particularly if it’s his first time trying to through-hike. But as noted by others, it’s a good place to disappear if you want to.

    • DEG

      I think that abortion clinic bomber guy was hiding out in the area around that time.

      Yep

      And remember when the FBI framed Richard Jewell for Eric Rudolph’s bombing?

      • DrOtto

        That article only touches on it and makes it sound more like bad reporting than actual persecution. The Clint Eastwood movie about the Richard Jewell incident was both good and infuriating.

  7. Rebel Scum

    Triggered.

    A TikToker’s video of a restaurant playing the national anthem is sparking debate on the popular social media platform.

    Paulina (@paulinappa_0) took the video at Rainbow Oaks Country Market in Fallbrook, California, which shows several diners standing up out of respect for the song. She found the situation to be “dangerous” and several other TikTok users also shared similar experiences they had at other restaurants, which they too found to be unnerving.

    The clip starts off with Paulina recording her pancakes and then the interior of a restaurant. She stays seated in front of her meal as other patrons stand up and salute the flag as “The Star-Spangled Banner” plays on the establishment’s loudspeaker. Her camera pans to TV sets hanging on the walls that display animated graphics of American flags waving in the wind.

    A caption for the post reads: “By far the most dangerous situation I’ve ever been in,” followed by the “#getout #illegal #whitepeoplethings” hashtags.

    It’s a den of MAGAt terrorists, I tell you.

    • Pine_Tree

      “By far the most dangerous situation I’ve ever been in” – I would actually believe this part, but not in the way she thinks.

    • EvilSheldon

      So you’re saying that you’ve never been in a remotely dangerous situation before? And also that you’re a massively self-absorbed drama queen?

      Gen Z, ladies and gentlemen.

      • The Other Kevin

        This is probably the most Gen Z thing I’ve ever seen.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      I’d prefer to eat without it being played in the restaurant. I’m not even a big fan of playing it before sporting events. I think the ubiquity cheapens it even though I go along with it. But how in the world is it dangerous?

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Actually, playing it before sporting events where teams are representing their countries is pretty cool. But for regular sporting events it seems kind of weird.

      • rhywun

        Because propaganda works. See: MAGA.

      • The Other Kevin

        No less than the US Government itself has declared people who are “patriotic” and like “liberty” are violent white supremacists.

      • Pope Jimbo

        One of the Altar Boys and I were watching the Twinkies play yesterday and they played “God Bless America” during the 7th inning stretch. They also asked everyone to stand for the song over the loud speakers.

        The Altar Boy had to listen to me rant on and on about that. Luckily I wasn’t at the game because being a True Libertarian, I would have had to have sat through the stupid song just to show them that they aren’t the boss of me.

        Seemed like a really weird song to use.

      • Fourscore

        Kate Smith turns over in her grave.

        I do recall though, during WW2, we got to hear Katey at the movie theater. I believe it was at the end of the movie, we all were standing and shuffling out anyway.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        GBA has been a stretch fixture since 9/11.

        It became tradition almost overnight.

        It needs to die.

    • rhywun

      That is a weird practice that I’ve never heard of, but… I hardly think it calls for performative racist freakout.

      • Tonio

        How dare you deny her her fifteen minutes of martyrdom and victimhood? She’s been waiting her entire, short life for this moment.

      • EvilSheldon

        Easily. That’s how.

    • Timeloose

      The person being “triggered” is certainly over reacting. I do find it strange to play the national anthem at noon every day at a place of business. Possibly a national holiday or in remembrance of something on one specific day, but every day is weird to me.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Don’t visit a military post during reville or retreat,,., or a movie at the post theater.,,

      • Rat on a train

        Especially an Air Force base. SPs have nothing better to do.

        I liked getting honor guard for red cycle. Especially if I got to fire the howitzer. I can still hear the alarms of cars parked across the parade field.

    • rhywun

      Jesus. Shouldn’t he be shuffling down Kensington Avenue in Philadelphia or something?

    • Sean

      He ain’t making anybody’s food.

  8. DEG

    “Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I have to get up at 4 a.m. just to get ready and come to campus and work out at 5:30 every morning, and then we are taking on almost double the course load other students do just with Navy classes,” said Aponte.

    I tapped out. I don’t care that you have extra work to do.

      • Rat on a train

        Meh. When I was in Alaska PT was 0600.

      • Gustave Lytton

        In fairness, it has to warm up to freeze your balls off.

      • Bobarian LMD

        if you have any yarbles to freeze, you enuch jelly, thou’!

      • Tonio

        +1 mechanical semi-tropical orchard fruit

      • Rat on a train

        PT moved indoors at -35.

    • Bobarian LMD

      we are taking on almost double the course load other students do just with Navy classes

      If your ROTC classes equal half your course load, that means you’re pulling down 6-8 credit hours a semester?

      GTFO of here with that whining bullshit.

  9. Rebel Scum

    I just thought it was easier to jerk off.

    Nine out of every ten humans are right-handed, an imbalance that researchers for decades have attempted to explain, without definitive success.

    One of the ideas considered is the fighting hypothesis, which suggests that left-handedness provides an advantage in combat, albeit with an overall hit to physical health that keeps lefties rare in the population. Indeed, males — who historically have competed most strongly for resources and mates — are left-handed at slightly higher rates than females. Moreover, studies suggest that lefties tend to outperform right-handed people in fighting sports as well as in sports that require hand-eye coordination like tennis, baseball, and volleyball. This is likely because players are unaccustomed to competing against lefties as they are rarer.

    However, a big problem with the fighting hypothesis is that its predicted health disadvantage hasn’t materialized in large studies. On the whole, left-handed people don’t seem to suffer from more health problems than right-handed people, nor do they live shorter lives.

    • The Other Kevin

      Getting burned at the stake because you’re possessed by the devil will lead to a shorter life.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      It makes it easier to coordinate a circle jerk.

      • Bobarian LMD

        “Don’t make me sit next to Bob again, he jerks it like he’s got palsy!”

      • Pope Jimbo

        Uffda. I hate having to jerk off next to a lefty at the local circle jerk. Keep bumping elbows.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Moreover, studies suggest that lefties tend to outperform right-handed people in fighting sports as well as in sports that require hand-eye coordination like tennis, baseball, and volleyball.

      I think that the advantage is that you don’t have to play that many lefties, so it ends up being an advantage. I remember being down in a tennis match in high school and I couldn’t figure out how because the guy wasn’t that good. Then I realized he was left handed and I was hitting it to his forehand all the time. As soon as I started hitting it to his backhand, I killed him.

      • R C Dean

        I think the other advantage is that lefties are more likely to be (more) ambidextrous, living as they do in a right-handed world.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        Lefties definitely have an advantage as pitchers, especially younger. Mostly because the average young player might only face a couple lefties a year.

        This manifests in having their standards being lower to compete at higher levels. A 17 year old lefty looking to play in college will have much lower physical standards to live up to because lefties are much more rare. He can get away with an 84hp fastball and have colleges begging, whereas a righty has to be 88+ to even think about being even looked at by many programs.

      • rhywun

        I have noticed that the prevalence of lefties in tennis seems way higher than average.

    • Not Adahn

      If I ever find a gun with a 180-degree ejection port that I shoot as well as my S2, I’m switching just becasue f the whole “unload and show clear” ritual.

      (I cann’t afford a 92X Performance or the LTT equivalent).

  10. kinnath

    My nephew walked the full length of the Appalachian trail one time. I think he has ambitions of doing it again some day.

    • Tonio

      That is awesome and impressive. It is not uncommon for successful through-hikers to repeat the journey.

      • kinnath

        It helps to be young and have no responsibilities.

      • Tonio

        And family support.

      • Pine_Tree

        “Well, yeah. I left my car at the other end.”

      • Pope Jimbo

        They probably walk it a second time because they can’t believe the banjo playing hillbillies didn’t pick them up for some sow piggie time. Rejection like that can really motivate a guy.

    • Name's BEAM. James BEAM

      I want to walk the pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela (Camino de Santiago).

      Hopefully next year sometime.

    • Lackadaisical

      that is great.

  11. Tonio

    Glibs has content through next week. We have a couple of pending pieces (thanks, DblEagle and FourScore) which are not yet scheduled.

    However, I’m reaching out to our irregular contributors for content to get us through the rest of May. Give us your travelogues, photo essays, rants, essays, polemics, short fiction, sex toy reviews, etc.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      I submitted something last week. Not sure if it’s in the queue.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Or maybe it was a few weeks ago. I don’t remember.

      • Tonio

        I see two things by you scheduled this week. Thanks.

    • Tonio

      Also, comics. How could I forget our cartoonists? [does imitation of flightless waterfowl]

      • Penguin

        Urrr. ah, sorry, Tonio, read below.

      • Tonio

        Oh, sorry. Ugh.

    • UnCivilServant

      Some of those are not my genre…

      But I am writing fiction specifically for Glib distribution. Is there an official process to request a time slot?

      • Tonio

        Thanks.

        You email me. My handle (at) this domain. We try to accommodate author time slot requests whenever possible.

    • Not Adahn

      OK, so I’ll have a product review ready probably tomorrow. However, while it’s long enough now, it would be more complete if it had another month or two of actual usage to include in the eval.

    • The Hyperbole

      Shitty short,short fiction inbound, it’s likely going to need a lot of editing as this is my first attempt at fiction and I regularly had to resort to plagiarism or paying my smarter friends to do my work for me to pass high school English.

  12. Pope Jimbo

    THAT MAN HATES CANS!!!

    A man suspected of setting fires at two south Minneapolis mosques last week is also accused of vandalizing U.S. Rep. Ilhan Omar’s office, a Somali police officer’s squad car and the shopping center known as the Somali Mall, according to federal authorities.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      I was expecting it to be a Somali dude, but it turns out to be Matt Walsh.

    • Tonio

      According to a federal criminal complaint filed Sunday, Little sent harassing emails to a U.S. representative from Minnesota before he spray painted “500” on the front door of the Representative’s office in early January.

      Okay, does anyone know what “500” is all about?

      • Fourscore

        Some sort of race at the end of May? Some people watch it but since that week end kicks off Garage Sale Season many ladies will be out “shopping”.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        He drives a Fiat?

    • Ted S.

      Taking an axe to Sen. Hoeven’s office, however, is AOK.

  13. Shpip

    Government — standing up for the little guy.

    Plenty of people aren’t Happy about this. In fact, they’re downright Grumpy, and they’re not Bashful about letting you know.

    • Sensei

      Low bar to clear.

    • The Other Kevin

      I think it’s just Dopey.

    • Pope Jimbo

      I don’t think that the people pushing this are being purely altruistic. It doesn’t seem like their intentions are as snow white as they would have you believe.

      • The Other Kevin

        Yeah, seems like a bit of a poison apple.

      • DrOtto

        Don’t be bashful, tell us what you really think.

      • DrOtto

        Dammit, he already did bashful.

    • Drake

      Too many of them had to see the Doc?

    • Spudalicious

      It started out popular, but had stunted growth.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Nine out of every ten humans are right-handed, an imbalance that researchers for decades have attempted to explain, without definitive success.

    Right hand threads, duh.

    [Edit Faerie blesses you and fixes your html tag]

    • Pope Jimbo

      I guess we shouldn’t be surprised you screwed up a comment on threads.

      • Tonio

        You were just dieing to tap that comment out, weren’t you.

  15. tarran

    Interesting article in the Brownstone Institute: Where Have the Adults Gone?

    It argues that the current insanity dominating the west is being fueled by a social phenomenon driven by the increasing speed with which information is disseminated. Essentially, this has empowered people who are experts in communication and are clueless about everything else to be able to overwhelm all the other factions in society in social debates. Consequently generalists who are better able to do cost-benefit analyses whose domain is across the whole of society and weigh factors from multiple disciplines are being overrun and trounced in these discussions.

    I found it thought provoking and worth the read despite it being a bit long and perhaps a bit too repetitive.

    • Gustave Lytton

      +1 fast talkers with big tits

    • mindyourbusiness

      Foxes and hedgehogs – and the hedgehogs are winning.

  16. Penguin

    Sorry, I know this has been discussed here multiple times, and I am at fault for not taking notes, but could someone go through the process of getting a Linux distro and implementing it on an existing machine? I had to buy a new computer recently, and stupidly just accepted the MS OS. To say I’m regretting that decision would understating it.

    • Rat on a train

      Sorry, I use Gentoo. I won’t put you through installing that.

    • SDF-7

      Start here if you need to (as I presume you will) resize your Windows installation to make room. Then install the distro of your choice — I favor Fedora, so: https://docs.fedoraproject.org/en-US/fedora/f36/install-guide/ (38 is actually the latest, but the docs aren’t nearly as detailed… so use that as a guide but download a 38 flavor of your choice — default is Gnome, but check the spins if you prefer KDE / Cinammon / XFCE / whatnot… Fedora’s pretty decent about working with those, which is part of why I use it).

      Caveat emptor — They switched audio underpinnings a couple of revs back and I’ve been having a problem getting (and keeping) audio working. But I’m hopeful that has more to do with the usb audio device on my motherboard. If nothing else, the installer tends to boot as a Live image, so you can check before committing.

    • Seguin

      https://linuxmint.com/

      Easy to use distro. Download the Linux mint iso and Balena Etcher. Then use the Etcher to put the image onto a USB stick. Then boot your comp from that usb, and there you go.

    • EvilSheldon

      I’ve been using https://pop.system76.com/ on a new build since the middle of last year. I like it a lot.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    Thanks, Edit Faerie!

  18. Name's BEAM. James BEAM

    31° C (88° F) on the back porch right now.

    I’ll take it.

    • Spudalicious

      What’s with the celsius crap, commie?

      • Rat on a train

        It’s May Day?

      • Spudalicious

        Fair point.

  19. Shpip

    There’s feeling a little hoarse, then there’s feeling a little horse.

    The article leaves out a lot of important details. Mainly… pitching or catching?

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Sorry, I know this has been discussed here multiple times, and I am at fault for not taking notes, but could someone go through the process of getting a Linux distro and implementing it on an existing machine?

    I have never done that. I have, however, gotten linux “sample” disks by buying computer hobbyist magazines at Barnes and Noble and installing from them. I have thought about doing a newer download but a) I don’t trust my internet to have enough bandwidth and remain connected and b) don’t trust my ability to not fuck it up.

    I wonder if a computer repair place would either stock distro boot disks or be willing make one for me.

    • Rat on a train

      Most major distros are:

      Download install image.
      Write to disk or usb.
      Boot from image.
      Menu driven installation.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    Something something “checksum” whatever the hell that is.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    I use Elementary linux, which I installed from one of those magazine disks. I am quite satisfied, except the browser options seem to be pretty limited. I haven’t looked at what’s available for quite a while.

    I used Firefox for a long time, until that time it updated and broke my computer.

  23. Gustave Lytton

    Wow. Flaggers sort of replaced by trailer mounted temporary traffic lights with swing arms. The flaggers sit in their car and operate it by remote. Decreases exposure to vehicular traffic but more capital expense to add to simple road work.

  24. Brochettaward

    Crowder was back today. Views, comments, and likes to dislikes all normal. Doesn’t seem like there was any serious damage done thus far.

    • SDF-7

      Tourists from Greek Isle of Lesbos completely uninterested…

    • R C Dean

      Oops. A300 platform.

    • Drake

      I haven’t seen any bad reviews. This guy beat some of the Turkish Benelli clones to pieces, but couldn’t get that thing to quit.
      https://youtu.be/hjkiSLF3Gi0

    • EvilSheldon

      My friend Matt had some input into the design of the A300 Patrol. It’s a solid performer, and much more amenable to quad- and violin-loading than the 1301.

      We’re in a good place for fighting shotguns right now. Get ’em while they’re hot!

    • Gustave Lytton

      Symptom me include hysteria and randomly capitalized words.

      • DrOtto

        So, pretty much like regular covid.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      COVID SMITH!

    • Michael Malaise

      I want women’s sports to be destroyed.

  25. R.J.

    In San Diego, CA for a few days’ business trip. I just heard AA pilots went on strike.

    • Count Potato

      Or just started drinking again?

    • Rat on a train

      I was forced to stay an extra day in San Diego when I was in the Army. I wouldn’t mind getting stuck there on a business trip again.

    • Shpip

      Did someone mention Great Tits?

    • juris imprudent

      Speaking of pissing on feminists. Now you don’t worry yourself a bit there little lady, your man will take care of you.