The Return of Dick Slashballs

by | May 16, 2023 | Canada, Entertainment, Fitness, Jews | 209 comments

 

“The test of a man isn’t what you think he’ll do. It’s what he actually does.”

― Robert A. Heinlein, The Eye in The Sky

Sometime in the near future

A light snow fell softly on the quiet mountain town of Breckinridge, Utah, it was early afternoon and the streets were empty. Sheriff’s officer Bobby “Bob-O” Boberson coasted his patrol car down Main Street, cruising by the pizza joints, restaurants, bars, massage parlors, and souvenir shops. He turned left up Ski Hill Road passing The Mangy Moose, the town’s oldest watering hole. The absentee owners of the bar had long given up on keeping up with the Joneses, ‘Mangy’ was now an accurate descriptor of the building itself as well as its equine namesake. Inside was dark wood paneling and torn, stained Naugahyde booths, if not for the televisions one could be convinced it was still the 1980s. Most of the giant flat screens were tuned to sporting events or the local weather forecast, one was set to the country western music channel, and unfortunately, this was the one with the sound on.

As Willie Nelson sang about Ira Hayes, Dick Slashballs sat at the bar and stared languidly at a bowl of beer nuts and the swizzle sticks in the black plastic napkin caddy in front of him. Other than a surly barman, he had the place to himself. It was late February and the ski town was deserted. The Ski bums, bunnies, and tourists wouldn’t be back until next season, but Dick didn’t miss them. After all, wallowing in self-pity is best done in solitude. Dick ordered another Old Fashioned and watched as the bartender filled a Boston shaker with booze, bitters, and ice. As the Barman gave his drink a good shake Dick’s thoughts once more turned to the cause of his misery.

How in the hell did it happen? Dick thought for the thousandth time. Oh, he knew the narrative – The Republicans and the Democrats, following their extreme bases farther to the right and the left, kept nominating crazier and crazier candidates until the people finally had enough and elected a Libertarian. BullllShiiiit, Dick had been involved in enough coups to know that’s not the way things work, especially considering how fast it all happened. The people really liked President Cohen and in the midterms more Libertarians were elected at all levels of government than what had seemed statistically possible. When he won his re-election President Cohen had the backing of both sides of Congress. Then in a whirlwind of retirements, scandals, and deaths, he had the support of The Supreme Court. When his Vice President won the next presidential election in the biggest landslide in American history the libertarian takeover of the country was complete.

That’s when the shit really hit the fan, for Slashballs and his ilk anyway. The Libertarians gutted the federal government. There was no longer an FBI, DOJ, CIA, NSA, DOD, Homeland Security – all the agencies and institutions that kept America safe, or at least kept Dick employed, were gone. He hadn’t worked in years and the money he’d stashed away over his career was almost depleted. It wouldn’t be so bad, but his last operation had gone pear-shaped and he had been forced to use a big chunk of his reserves just to stay alive. If things don’t turn around soon he’ll have to sell his beloved 1974 Firebird esprit, finished in ‘copper mist’ just like the one Steve McQueen drove in The French Connection. He might find some work for a foreign government or two but that was a young man’s game, and Dick was old and tired and rusty. He hadn’t been to a gun range in months and he was letting his field craft slip. He didn’t even notice when a tall, barrel-chested, middle age man entered through the bar’s side door and sat on a barstool two seats to Dick’s left.

Instead, Dick was studying a flyer taped up behind the bar

RODEO!

FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS

MESA COUNTY FAIRGROUNDS

5:OO PM

Adults 25$ children under 6 free

Dick was wondering if they might be hiring when the bartender placed a fresh drink in front of him, with a wink and a cute little smile on her face.

“I didn’t order that.” Dick said

“It’s on me Slashballs” Came a familiar voice

Dick spun around, his hand reaching into his jacket where his Glock 19 would have been if he’d bothered to holster the revolver when he had left his room that morning, You really have lost it, he thought.

“Relax, If I wanted you dead I wouldn’t do it here. I would have done it last night when you were passed out in your easy chair, or the night before when you were staggering home from the strip club, or the night before that when you were relieving yourself against the dumpster behind the Besta Fasta Pizzeria, or the night before that when….” Said the man to his right.

“Okay, okay, I get it. What do you want, and why are you tailing me, Mercer?” Dick Said, “How’d you even find me?”

Mercer laughed and said. “Tailing? That implies some stealth was involved. I could have been wearing a flashing neon sign and you wouldn’t have noticed me. As for finding you, let’s just say you’ve been using the grumpy old Mr. Weston cover a bit too long, You’ve let yourself go. It’s sad, pathetic actually”

“Meh, What’s the point? it’s all over for guys like us now anyway. Fucking Libertarians.” Dick said “And you still haven’t said what it is you want.”

“I have a job for you if you’re interested,” Mercer said

“Why me, if I’m so pathetic?” Dick Said

“Trust me I damn near walked away after seeing the sorry state you’re in, but it’s an easy job and to be perfectly honest you’re one of the last of us still hanging around. Bill ‘The Foot’ is down in Belize, Wilson went back to BF, The Fritzes are in Mongolia, and Freddie’s dead.” Mercer said

“What about Dingo, isn’t he still in Texas?” Dick said

“Yeah, but believe it or not he’s in worse shape than you. Hell, he got himself a job as a rodeo clown for Christ’s sake” Mercer Said “Anyway it’s your job if you want it.”

Dick listened as Mercer outlined the operation. “I have a client that isn’t happy with the current authorities he’s living under, and the powers that be are so ensconced that he can’t make inroads in any strictly legal ways, so he wants us to help get him and a few puppets that he can control into the seats of power…”

“Wait, wait. That doesn’t sound so easy, and I’m too old to go running around some shithole country anyhow” Dick said

“There’s no need for that. The job’s right here in the good old US of A” Mercer Said

“But the Libertarians have…” Dick Said

“Tut, tut. Slashballs, sure they’ve done their best to strip all power from the states and federal government but one thing that libertarians respect is the freedom of association.” Mercer said

Dick, starting to get a little suspicious, asked “What exactly does your client want to do?”

“He wants to grow vegetables in his front yard.” Mercer Said

“You mean…” Dick questioned

“Yup, We’re going to destabilize an HOA” Mercer proclaimed.

About The Author

The Hyperbole

The Hyperbole

The Hyperbole can beat any of you chumps at Earthshaker! the greatest pinball machine of all time.

209 Comments

  1. db

    LOL

  2. db

    Hype captured my feelings about HOAs perfectly.

    • UnCivilServant

      If they are to be suffered to exist, they cannot be an encumbrance upon the property, and homeowners should be permitted to withdraw at any time without needing to give up their home to do so.

      • robc

        Florida used to have something like this, but the building lobby got the law changed, but I think something like a 25 year limit on deed restrictions is reasonable. After 25 years, the property is unencumbered.

        So you couldn’t just choose to leave the HOA today, but if you neighborhood is old enough, you could.

        We could argue about the exact length of time, but something that is reasonably not a perpetuity. A generation is long enough, and 25 years is a good estimate. If you have a strong argument for 20 instead, I would disagree.

      • robc

        wouldnt disagree.

  3. db

    Take this, Brochettaward!

    • Brochettaward

      I was washing my hair.

      • Brochettaward

        Also, it’s a Hype post. Firsting on that is like jacking off in a porta potty.

      • mock-star

        “Firsting on that is like jacking off in a porta potty.”

        So, like every Tuesday for me, then?

        Besides, Thirding is the new hotness. Its 2023, Firsting is for sheeple and syncophants. Behold, I shall usher in the Thirdening.

  4. db

    And That!

  5. db

    It’s a comment wasteland!

  6. Sean

    *fap fap fap*

    Dick spun around, his hand reaching into his jacket where his Glock 19 would have been if he’d bothered to holster the revolver when he had left his room that morning,

    Wut?

    • UnCivilServant

      He’s got the wrong gun on him?

    • Drake

      If he had remembered to holster his revolver, it would reminded him to also bring the Glock?

    • Not Adahn

      It’s set in an alternate universe. Glock makes revolvers. Korth makes cheap disposable blowback semiautos.

      • UnCivilServant

        Is Hi-Point still Hi-Point?

      • Not Adahn

        Hi-Point is a zinc mining company.

      • UnCivilServant

        Cheapest, lowest-quality Zinc on the market?

      • juris imprudent

        So yes.

      • Zwak , who will swing for the crime, in double time!

        Hi-Point is the Zenith of firearms.

    • Tonio

      I was wondering how long it would take for people to start noticing the continuity errors. Hyperbole did a masterful job of trolling here.

      • juris imprudent

        He also caught me with the surly bartender who turned into a cute chick.

      • Sean

        Gender fluid.

      • Fourscore

        I caught both on first read and I ain’t no expert of either

      • Drake

        Ski season over in Feb made me suspicious. Strip clubs and message parlors in UT heightened it.

      • ron73440

        My eye twitched at the Willie Nelson/Ira Hayes, but as it went on, I figured it had to have been on purpose.

      • EvilSheldon

        I was trying to ignore it. Until now, I suppose.

      • The Hyperbole

        Depending on how one counts the errors (is the Firebird/Steve McQueen/French Connection thing one error or three?) there are as many as 16 intentional errors. Any more than that are honest mistakes.

      • slumbrew

        “Equine” instantly bumped me. Then shaking the Old Fashioned, but I caught on quickly at that point.

        (TBF, they probably will shake your Old Fashioned at a shitty bar)

    • Gustave Lytton

      What’s the opposite of fan service?

  7. Timeloose

    Nicely done Hyperbole.

  8. Not Adahn

    I lol’d.

    • WTF

      I also LOL’d at the payoff. Well done TH.

    • juris imprudent

      Yeah, fiction is one thing, fantasy another.

  9. Tundra

    Hah!

    Very nice, Hyp! I love all the Easter Eggs of misinformation, but this is my favorite:

    If things don’t turn around soon he’ll have to sell his beloved 1974 Firebird esprit, finished in ‘copper mist’ just like the one Steve McQueen drove in The French Connection.

    Well done!

    • db

      I agree on this one. When I read the draft this made me LOL

      • Tonio

        Thanks for being so gracious and letting Hyperbole use your character.

      • The Hyperbole

        Yes, and I should make clear this is an alternate universe Dick Slashballs story and in no way canonical.

      • Swiss Servator

        But it was damned, good…canon or not!

      • db

        de nada. It’s a great adaptation!

    • The Hyperbole

      Thanks, that’s probably my favorite as well.

    • The Hyperbole

      You know it. Best soundtrack ever.

  10. pistoffnick

    I loled, but I think the fella Dick Slashballs is based on prefers tequila (mixed with Diet Mountain Dew?) over Old Fashioneds.

  11. robodruid

    Love the ending, Did not expect that at all.

  12. Michael Malaise

    The Ira Hayes line passed me by like George C. Scott’s performance in Sorcerer.

    • Fourscore

      A version I’d never heard… Willie or JC?

      Contract and HOA, what’s not to like?

  13. The Late P Brooks

    homo econmicus

    Young people are also more likely to be disadvantaged in this area, Lusardi and Mitchell found, as are people of color. “The young display very low financial literacy, with only one-third being able to answer all three questions correctly. Half of Whites could correctly answer all three questions, versus only 26% of Blacks and 22% of Hispanics.”

    This is a problem, Lusardi says, not just because it means that many people are ill equipped to handle an increasingly complicated and complex financial landscape that can impact their earnings and long-term wealth. There are obvious social implications to the fact that white males appear to have a significant edge on the rest of the population in this area. And if that isn’t enough, Lusardi says, it’s also a problem for the economy.

    This looks like a job for the Handicapper General.

    • juris imprudent

      The obvious solution is more public school instruction in these matters – that will flatten out those high achievers!

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      Let me guess, they’re ignorant because of white supremacy.

    • UnCivilServant

      This failure of journalism skipped the important part – if there are only three simple questions, what are they? If I have to dig through academic papers for them, why should I read your article?

      • Timeloose

        I looked up the paper. the questions remined me of the IQ test in Idiocracy. I kept thinking they were trick questions.

        Example: You have $100 in the bank that earns 2% yearly. After 5 years you would have:

        A) less than $102
        B More than $102
        C) $100
        D) don’t know / Wont answer

      • UnCivilServant

        Compounded annully, or monthly? Monthly results in almost ten cents more after five years.

      • robc

        Yeah, I was trying to figure out a tricky answer based on compounding before I looked at the answers.

      • UnCivilServant

        I would have massively overthought all three.

      • robc

        After the first one, I looked at choices before I did any work.

      • db

        Those are so obvious, I’d be looking for where the trick was too.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        To be fair, until recently interest rates have been basically zero, so they haven’t been something to think about.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        E) Not Sure

        😉

      • ron73440

        I found them and I must be privileged, because I don’t see how you can’t get them right.

        1. Suppose you had $100 in a savings account and the interest rate was 2% per year. After 5 years, how much do you think you would have in the account if you left the money to grow?

        More than $102
        Exactly $102
        Less than $102
        Do not know/Refuse to answer

        2. Imagine that the interest rate on your savings account was 1% per year and inflation was 2% per year. After 1 year, how much would you be able to buy with the money in this account?

        More than today
        Exactly the same
        Less than today
        Do not know/Refuse to answer

        3. Please tell me whether this statement is true or false. “Buying a single company’s stock usually provides a safer return than a stock mutual fund.”

        True
        False
        Do not know/Refuse to answer
        NOTE: Correct answers are (1) “More than $102,” (2) “Less than today,” and (3) False.
        SOURCE: Annamaria Lusardi and Olivia S. Mitchell

      • robc

        I agree. They are brutally simple. The most interesting bit was on #3, where a large percent answered Do Not Know. Which actually makes sense, if you don’t know what a mutual fund is, for example.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Good point, I could see a lot of young people not knowing what a mutual fund is. Even my kids and their friends who buy stocks on Webull and Robinhood think in terms of ETF’s, not mutual funds.

      • ron73440

        The third one is understandable not to know, but the other 2 are just math problems.

        Public schools continue to fail.

      • Gender Traitor

        “A mutual fund? That’s what they have on GoFundMe, right?”

      • robc

        I enacted your labor for you (but agree, it should have been there), these arent word for word, but as I remember them:

        1. You have $100 in the bank earning 2% interest. You leave it there for 5 years. At then end you will have:
        A: More than $102
        B: Exactly $102
        C: Less than $102
        D: Dont know

        2. You have money in the bank earning 1% interest. The inflation rate is 2%. When you take it out, your money will:
        A. Buy more than it would have before
        B. Buy the same as before
        C. Buy less than before
        D. Dont know

        3. True of False – in general, buying a single stock is more risky than buying a mutual fund.
        A. True
        B. False
        C. Dont know

      • robc

        And Ron did even better by actually copying the questions.

  14. Tundra

    Next up in Retards in Marketing:

    H&K!

    Is the lesson here to stop hiring women?

    • slumbrew

      The lesson is to stop turning over your social media accounts to 19 year old interns from Smith.

      • slumbrew

        Digging through to the original tweet, it’s all so unnecessary:

        https://twitter.com/HecklerAndKoch/status/1658211115833106462

        (tweet re: Miller Lite dropping some woke ad – didn’t actually click through)

        The H&K account replies:

        Heckler & Koch
        @HecklerAndKoch
        Gun bunnies 🚫
        Beer bunnies 🚫
        Supporting women 💯✔️

        i.e., this had fuck-all to do with H&K, but the dumbass intern running the account needs to stick her tit in that hornet’s nest and signal her virtue.

        Even if H&K management is fully on-board, the answer is… stop making ads with hot chicks. Loudly announcing that you’re not doing ads like that anymore is unnecessary and counter-productive. Lecturing some twitter rando over a comment on an ad from a completely different industry is just so, so stupid.

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        👆👆👆

        It does reveal the predilections of the modern corporation though. They want to “educate” the consumer. They don’t give a flying fuck about satisfying the consumer.

      • slumbrew

        But does it? It reveals the predilections of the kid running H&K’s twitter account. Maybe even that of the whole Marketing dept. But I have to wonder if the higher-ups are gonna be pleased about this needless kerfuffle.

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        H&K? I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s pervasive.

      • Gustave Lytton

        They need a fucking beat down.

        This is what happens when bullying is removed entirely from childhood.

      • Gustave Lytton

        My company is similarly ran by HR idiots. Their latest is to form an employee group for religion. Totally unprofessional and nothing good could every come out of it.

      • R C Dean

        “But I have to wonder if the higher-ups are gonna be pleased about this needless kerfuffle.”

        ESG says they are all in.

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        👆👆👆 Bonus CEI points from HRC to get a higher ESG rating for that sweet, sweet Blackrock 401k money.

      • slumbrew

        Please, as if Blackrock would invest in an icky arms manufacturer. H&K is doubly-stupid for going down the ESG route, since their products will never be acceptable.

      • ron73440

        The first comment gave me an anyuerism.

        TaM
        @FleetwoodMagnus
        ·
        17h
        Holy based heckler and Koch!! Always knew you were a good gun company. Going against the prevailing narrative in america of restricting women’s rights and making things more equal! Against the conservative mob that wants to take away real American values!

        Everything is stupid.

      • R.J.

        That almost reads as sarcasm. It is so hard to tell nowadays.

      • ron73440

        Maybe, I can’t tell sometimes.

      • Bobarian LMD

        It’s Twitter. Everything is either trolling, sarcasm, or idiocy.

        Often times, it is trolling, sarcasm, AND idiocy.

      • B.P.

        Beer companies making silly ads with women in bikinis (decades ago) is “restricting women’s rights.” Got it.

        Also, you are all on notice that the 1980s and 90s are now cancelled for being a dystopia of bigotry.

      • EvilSheldon

        It didn’t get better from there.

        The weird thing is, using cheesecake models to advertise guns went out of fashion around 2006. Yes, there are still some holdouts (looking at you, Tanfoglio) but for the most part firearms advertising is about as racy as a back issue of Popular Mechanics…

      • Tundra

        Same in the tool business, unfortunately. The Snap-On calendars were always a treat.

        1984

      • slumbrew

        Uh, Rigid

        Not yet, working on it.

      • The Other Kevin

        Grown adults are no longer allowed to view sexualized versions of people. That’s only for kids.

      • ron73440

        That’s funny ’cause it’s true.

      • Gustave Lytton

        *remembers getting Dillion’s reloading catalog*

      • Not Adahn

        Really? I saw some booth bunnies in videos from IWA.

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      Ooooo…. public condescension from a German corporation towards peons. How very German.

      • R C Dean

        If there’s one thing the krauts should steer clear of, it’s jabbering about historical injustice to disfavored groups.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    if there are only three simple questions, what are they?

    That would be telling.

  16. Fatty Bolger

    Very funny. I’m surprised one of the TV’s wasn’t playing a Gunsmoke rerun.

    • The Hyperbole

      Glad you enjoyed it and dammit I should have thought of that.

    • Tonio

      [golf clap]

    • Gender Traitor

      …a Gunsmoke rerun.

      … starring Lorne Greene.

      • Bobarian LMD

        He really nailed that Bert Maverick role.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    Acanning through tht twatter thread about H&K, there is a thing about H&K supporting some UN “set of goals”. I don’t know nothing ’bout bikini models, but H&K might not want to align themselves too closely with an organization which explicitly wants to disarm the global civilian population. It seems… counterproductive.

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      H&K likes selling pistols to cops and militaries.

    • db

      Yeah, H&K doesn’t GAF about the civilian market. Their guns are intended for keeping the proles in line.

      • EvilSheldon

        Ehh. That was a funny meme for a while, but it’s not really true.

      • UnCivilServant

        Funny how? Funny Ha-Ha or Funny Uh-Oh?

  18. Tonio

    Okay, we normally don’t do this, but because I was sloppy we didn’t include Hyperbole’s fine artwork as an interior illo. I remedied that.

    • Tundra

      Nice.

      Grazie!

  19. The Late P Brooks

    H&K likes selling pistols to cops and militaries.

    There’s nothing in their catalog I want.

    • R C Dean

      I’d like one of their USC carbines, but I’d want to do a fair amount of custom work to it.

      • Bobarian LMD

        If they was to bring back the P7M13, I’d be obliged to buy one.

        Squeeze cock… er for the win.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    To be fair, until recently interest rates have been basically zero, so they haven’t been something to think about.

    Interest? What’s that?

    • Sean

      I’m getting 3.75% at Capitol one.

      Not great, but it’s something.

      • Drake

        4.5% at CIT Bank.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Is that on checking, savings or CD?

    • Nephilium

      It’s when you swipe in one direction or the other in the dating app.

  21. Scruffyy Nerfherder

    In news that should surprise nobody.

    https://markcrispinmiller.substack.com/p/nih-director-nominated-by-joe-biden

    NIH director nominated by “Joe Biden” has 116 grants from Pfizer totaling over $290 million

    So she’s the perfect choice to manage NIH—a WOMAN, comfortably in Pfizer’s pocket, and, as head of the National Cancer Institute, all for cancer patients getting jabbed-and-boosted.

    Burn it down.

    • WTF

      I just tried to post that to Derpbook, and they blocked it because it “goes against community standards”.

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        Miller is probably permabanned.

    • The Other Kevin

      Revolving doors are gonna revolve.

    • ron73440

      I really don’t see how this gets fixed without a collapse of the government.

      Maybe our economy is strong enough to continue, but our “leaders”, they got to go.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    So what you’re saying is arms manufacturers should stick to (smoking hot) female members of the Israeli IDF (yes, that’s redundantly repetitive) if they’re looking for female spokesmodels?

    *in my case, Finns or Swedes, plz

  23. Tundra

    Since y’all found my California trucking article depressing this morning:

    Electric Vehicle Illusions

    Good article and highlights what we’ve talked about a lot. When discussing emissions, the fuckery of ignoring parts of the lifecycle is dishonest and retarded.

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      The point is to break the system, therefore it’s not retarded. It’s evil genius.

      Unless of course, the proles get really pissed off and start gutting the elites.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Oy, aren’t those peasants revolting.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        You said it. They stink on ice.

      • slumbrew

        You said it, they stink on ice!

      • slumbrew

        Damn your nimble fingers / me not refreshing!

    • juris imprudent

      is dishonest and retarded.

      Proggie ears perk up and heads twist, looking for the source of the whistle.

    • Fourscore

      There was no discussion to the environmental changes made of removing a large chunk of overburden that formerly supported vegetation and at completion of the mining operations leave a big hole in the earth. The local abandoned iron mines have filled with clear water and support trout, a non-native specie in this area. The overburden dumps have regrown with trees and brush and are the mountains of Minnesota. At least every other car is not orange from the iron dust now.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    Making it up as we go along

    One thing is particularly worrisome, Coates said. And that’s the fact that the Environmental Protection Agency, the part of the federal government currently tasked with analyzing applications to store carbon dioxide underground, is looking to pass that job to the Louisiana Department of Natural Resources. The department has said it has so few employees with expertise in the matter that it will have to outsource positions.

    “The oversight and making sure things aren’t going to go really bad is a huge concern,” Coates said. “I don’t think they will be equipped.”

    The people of Tangipahoa Parish are hardly alone, as chemical companies rush to claim $12 billion authorized in the Inflation Reduction Act to create massive underground storage structures for potentially deadly carbon. Already, hundreds of applications are flowing into state and federal authorities for what some industry analysts estimate could become a $4 trillion industry by 2050. But a three-month POLITICO investigation shows that both the federal government and the states are far short of the resources necessary to properly investigate and ensure the safety of a dangerous emerging technology.

    Just keep throwing money at it.

    • B.P.

      Make a note: CO2 in the atmosphere just went from pollutant to deadly.

    • kinnath

      Is this going to bring the price of CO2 for my kegerator back to normal?

      • ron73440

        Maybe you have to pay an extra tax to offset the danger you are putting us in.

        On second thought, because it’s so dangerous, you are no longer allowed to purchase this gas, peasant.

        It’s for you own good.

    • Rebel Scum

      potentially deadly carbon

      It’s only deadly if it is the only thing in the air.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    When discussing emissions, the fuckery of ignoring parts of the lifecycle is dishonest and retarded.

    “Nuthin up muh sleeve!”

    *Bullwinkle stuffs arm deep into magic hat*

  26. The Late P Brooks

    Same in the tool business, unfortunately. The Snap-On calendars were always a treat.

    See, also: Wurth, Pirelli

  27. Brochettaward

    I am looking forward to our glorious future where it officially considered sexist to find good looking women attractive. I feel like we are getting there slowly but surely.

    • UnCivilServant

      That was a couple years back. Where have you been?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Well I’ll be a rebel and gather up all of the smoking hot rejects then.

      • R.J.

        Boy howdy it was. Now you get sued or fired from your job if you don’t tell hideous man-trolls they are attractive.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        If you do tell hideous man-trolls they are attractive, you’ll get sued or fired from your job. And they’ll get to tell all of their friends how hard it is to be an attractive woman in a misogynistic society. It’s a Kobayashi Maru scenario.

    • ron73440

      Bro, as a Steeler fan, have you listened to Big Ben’s podcast, Footbahlin’?

      James Harrison’s was hilarious, Coaches T and Cowher were excellent also.

      • Brochettaward

        I mostly just catch the highlights, but I wanted to watch the ones with Cowher and Tomlin. Might get some insights there. There was one comment I found funny where Cowher basically said the coach of those mid-2000’s teams basically just had to not fuck things up aka Tomlin won with his guys.

        I’d love to see an honest discussion between Roethlisberger and Harrison on that interview Harrison did where he blamed Ben for the loss to the Packers.

        My main issue with the ones I’ve seen is that he’s still too much of a team guy. I wish Ben were the asshole the media made him out to be and just aired all the dirty laundry and gave his honest opinions on everything. That would be far more interesting.

      • ron73440

        I only listened to the ones with good guests, those were my 3 favorites.

        Harrison had me laughing in the middle of my run when he was talking about how the defense would get fired up if Troy got pissed off.

      • Ted S.

        They were lucky to be in the game due to Woodson and Driver’s injuries.

      • Brochettaward

        This argument is stupid. Packers benefited from two turnovers caused by the Steelers banged up OL. If Pouncey plays, you may not have ended up with the pick-6 and you almost definitely don’t get the Mendenhall fumble when the Steelers were driving for a go-ahead score with the momentum at their back. The Steelers WR’s were decimated with injuries and they were stuck trotting out the corpse of Antwaan Randle El as their second option on their final drive.

        Packers issue wasn’t injuries. It was dropped passes that allowed the Steelers to hang around. But they benefited greatly from key Steelers injuries.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      And you will have to find women with penises attractive.

    • Rebel Scum

      I think we are already there.

  28. Rebel Scum

    The cultural revolution continues apace.

    Three possible new names have been selected for John B. Cary Elementary School, which will be renamed by the Richmond School Board later this year.

    John B. Cary is one of four Richmond schools that will get new names this year, alongside George Wythe High School, Ginter Park Elementary and Binford Middle School. This is part of Richmond Schools’ process of renaming schools in the district named after members of the Confederate Army and historical figures who enslaved people.

    The school is currently named after John B. Cary, a former superintendent of Richmond Public Schools who was also a staunch supporter of the Confederacy.

    And?

    His only “sin” appears to be that he was loyal to the Commonwealth of Virginia.

    Are we supposed to erase the 1861-1865 period of the history of VA?

    • ron73440

      George Wythe

      Are they going to rename Wytheville?

      I used to stay a night there when I would travel from NC to my mom’s house, lovely area out there.

    • Brochettaward

      I think it would be far, far more difficult to find men from the South in that time period who weren’t loyal to the confederacy aka their state. People who are historically illiterate and just kind of illiterate in general are looking back on this through modern eyes completely oblivious to the reality that people were in general loyal to their states first and foremost. That until that war, we were truly the United States of America.

      • slumbrew

        looking back on this through modern eyes

        i.e., presentism. It’s ubiquitous and ridiculous.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Yeah, used to be that was a cardinal sin in history studies and to be avoided at all costs.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Just have to erase everything in the memory hole.

    • Ted S.

      Schooly McSchoolface.

  29. R.J.

    Got a temporary crown to replace my crumbling tooth. Feels like a ball of cement.

    • slumbrew

      Shit, he’s flying commercial, like some peasant.

      Master of the universe status revoked.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      I’d be mad too if I paid for first class and only vegetarian meal options were available. Service has gone to crap these days.

      • Gustave Lytton

        They only load so many of each type. Thanks the whiny ass voluntary food restrictors for making one of those options meatless.

      • B.P.

        My workplace often has free breakfast on offer for the masses. At some point there’s always a pile of, say, vegetarian breakfast burritos only, and a bunch of disappointed people.

  30. Rebel Scum

    Nothing to see here.

    Security video from a contact in Eagle Pass, TX shows a large group of migrants crossing illegally onto private property this morning. Crossings have been down big in Texas last few days, but are expected to rise again as cartels/smugglers figure out the post T42 border.

    I asked the Texas National Guard if this is one of their soldiers who opens the gate for the group of migrants. They tell me she is NOT a TX soldier & is not TX ARNG. I’m told she is a Title 10 soldier from the Missouri ARNG under orders from the federal gov & working w/ BP.

    • B.P.

      “…under orders from the federal gov & working w/ BP.”

      Wasn’t me. I’ve never even been to that part of Texas.

    • ron73440

      But in the gym yesterday CNN had a headline that border crossings were less than expected.

      Also, gas is cheaper than one year ago.

      • Sean

        Also, gas is cheaper than one year ago.

        How about 4 years ago?

      • ron73440

        Don’t worry about that, apparently only one year counts.

      • The Other Kevin

        Who expected that number of border crossings? The economists who predict unemployment?

      • Drake

        “Crossings?” They document “encounters”.

      • Rebel Scum

        And the feds traffic them from the border to the interior…facilitating an invasion of mostly military aged males.

        Somethin something treason against the united States something something levying war against them…

    • Gustave Lytton

      Opened the gate to waiting BP agents and bus. Oh noez! Treason!

      • Gustave Lytton

        What are the other options that point? Push them back into the river and Mexico? Machine gun them?

      • Sean

        I’m listening.

      • Rebel Scum

        Gotta create a deterrence somehow. Then a no-man’s land on the border where it is made clear that you are not allowed to cross. You get one warning shot. And if you persist…

  31. R C Dean

    “Destabilize an HOA.”

    Oh, well played. Did not see it coming.

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      Wait, so the Feds are going to enact E-Verify to prevent illegals from working (purportedly, but not the real purpose), but the states are going to provide unemployment for illegals while they refuse to enforce the border?

      How fucked up could they possibly make the system?

      • Drake

        Gavin Newsom says “hold my chardonnay”.

      • Gustave Lytton

        No to mention legal immigrants are cut off from such benefits and being a public burden is still grounds for denying approvals.

    • Rebel Scum

      Might as well.

  32. DEG

    bartender placed a fresh drink in front of him, with a wink and a cute little smile on her face.

    I thought it was a surly Barman? He transitioned that quickly?

    Glock 19 would have been if he’d bothered to holster the revolver

    Nice.

    “Yup, We’re going to destabilize an HOA” Mercer proclaimed.

    Game on!

    • Drake

      Color revolution them!

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Yeah, no hot men with messy pasts in Colombia.

    • B.P.

      TLC… “The Learning Channel”

  33. Mojeaux

    I made the mistake of looking at the ClownWorld Twitter feed, and now I’m depressed. OTOH, I was already trying to get out of the quagmire that is Tuesday.

    Ugh. I need a nap.

  34. Rebel Scum

    What we really need is media monopolized state media.

    Obama said, “The thing that I’m most worried about is the degree to which we’ve now had a divided conversation, in part because we have a divided media.”

    He continued, “When I was coming up, you had three TV stations. And people were getting a similar sense of what is true and what isn’t, what was real and what was not. Today, what I’m most concerned about is the fact that because of the splintering of the media, we almost occupy different realities.”

    He added, “In the past everybody could say all right, we may disagree on how to solve it, but at least we all agree that that’s an issue. Now, people will say, well that didn’t happen or I don’t believe that. And one of the goals of the Obama Foundation and one of the goals of my post-presidency is, how do we return to that common conversation? How can we have a common set of facts. We may disagree on gun violence in terms of what the best prescriptions are, but we can’t deny the data that says the United States has levels of gun violence that are five, ten, fifteen times more than other countries.”

    Fuck. Off.

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      Totalitarian piece of shit

    • Ted S.

      And on the various “public” broadcasters, “fake news” and “disinformation” invariably mean anything that goes against their narrative.

  35. The Late P Brooks

    And one of the goals of the Obama Foundation and one of the goals of my post-presidency is, how do we return to that common conversation? How can we have a common set of facts. We may disagree on gun violence in terms of what the best prescriptions are, but we can’t deny the data that says the United States has levels of gun violence that are five, ten, fifteen times more than other countries.”

    How do we silence the heretics and unbelievers?

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      How long before people start using flamethrowers on homeless encampments?

    • Sean

      JFC