“Titties,” Joe said as they led him away, guiding him like gentle border collies.
“What the fuck was that, Karine?” Finnegan asked angrily.
“Pride, bitch,” Karine said, burping loudly.
“Titties,” Joe said again and tried to turn around.
“No, Grandpa, you can’t go back out there,” Finnegan told him. “There’s, uh, it’s too dangerous.”
“Titties,” he said sadly, shuffling down the White House hallway.
“Best Pride ever!” Hunter said, appearing from behind a column.
“You!” Finnegan said, stabbing a finger at her father. “You are never to bring your friends to The White House ever again!”
“What?” Hunter said. “They are all lovely people!”
“They stripped off their clothes, Dad.” She spat the last word like a curse. “Scars and fake boobs everywhere!”
“That’s Pride, sweetheart,” Hunter said, taking Joe’s arm.
“It’s turning into an orgy!” Finnegan screamed.
Karine giggled and opened another can of Bud Light.
“Titties,” Joe said again, reaching for Karine. He grunted as she danced away.
“An orgy? I’m missing an orgy?” Hunter asked in dismay.
“Is not an orgy,” Karine slurred. “It’s just a fingerbang rodeo.” She waggled two fingers in the air.
“And we left Grandma Jill out there!” Finnegan said.
“She’ll be fine,” Hunter said. “Jill was my babysitter, babe. I know all the dirty little things that get her off.”
Finnegan stopped in the hallway and watched her father, her grandfather, and his press secretary move slowly away from her. She could hear the cheers and screams outside, even over the throbbing warble of Lizzo singing, three thousand pounds of backup dancers stumbling heavily on the temporary stage making it boom and creak.
“I’m going to put on a disguise and go out there,” she heard Hunter say. “Sexy Secret Service agent. I’m going to get me a slice of that bespoke pussy. I just gotta stock up at the lube barrel in my office.”
“Pass,” Karine said flatly.
“Don’t you have any Pride, Karine?” Hunter asked maliciously. “Don’t you want to engage with your T and Q and + brothers and sisters?”
“I ain’t sucking no lady dick,” Karine said.
“Titties,” Joe said.
Finnegan ducked into an empty office to rage masturbate and cry.
“They feel all right to me. I like them hard.”
Titties.
Today’s post brought to you by the letter “Q”.
Poor Finnegan. The only sympathetic character in this nightmare.
She could hear the cheers and screams outside, even over the throbbing warble of Lizzo singing, three thousand pounds of backup dancers stumbling heavily on the temporary stage making it boom and creak.
Perfection.
What would that be, six backup dancers? Maybe eight?
Five.
Hilarious, yet strangely wholesome.
“It’s just a fingerbang rodeo.”
From the new Garth Brooks (as Christine Gaines) Album.
Tranny Fluid
Sponsored by Bud Light.
Speaking of Garth Brooks…
*shudders*
Udders?
*covers ears, closes eyes, rocks back and forth*
Fingerbang Rodeo would be a good name for a race horse.
Or a band.
Hank III album.
Haha. Good call. Might fit his boy even better. IV and the Strange Band
Narrator: He’s not actually Hank IV. He’s Coleman Williams, Hank IV’s brother.
Amazing how SF churns these out so quickly and yet so well done. The problem isn’t not enough inspiration, it’s that so much is happening so fast, it’s got to be hard to keep up.
It is indeed a thing of wonder.
I don’t think SF sleeps at night. And often we don’t either after we read his work.
https://duckduckgo.com/?t=ffab&q=tossing+and+turning+song+youtube&atb=v198-1&iax=videos&ia=videos&iai=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DghFBvBmXv4E
So, for anyone that knows, is there a depth issue? Obviously it’s going to lack the musculature and elastic skin of the real thing, so unless they sew the donor skin onto a lycra backing or something, I’d think there would be a kind of severe limit.
Adds to the “things I really don’t want to know the answer to” files.
Don’t blame me, Hunter brought it up.
I don’t know know, but I think that the main issue with a vagoplasty is the lack of natural lubrication. They generally don’t use donor skin these days, so elasticity isn’t an issue.
Depends on the type.
Nope. Not clicking.
#metoo
It’s actually rather interesting…
Dentistry?
No. Still not clicking. I have to work. I can’t have that in my head.
It is an issue, especially around puberty-blockers, because the penis isn’t large enough to make a “functioning” neovagina due to penile growth inhibition. So to make a large enough vagina canal, they resort to tilapia skin, sections of colon lining, or Alloderm, harvested donor skin. But none of them can produce their own lubrication or expand and lengthen to accomodate a penis.
But, since it is a wound the body seeks to heal, most have to use dilators (dildos) in graduated sizes to keep the opening intact. They often are used to preserve the length of the tunnel they have surgically created.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbHxwsE2ZAI
Uughahja.
#metoo
Excavate the gay away.
Sounds like a job for Elon’s Boring Company.
That all sounds perfectly natural, as they claim.
This comment just might be the most horrific non-fiction you have ever written.
And I consider all your work to be non-fiction.
It’s easy to see why you would want that over a functional penis.
Now this is the place for some sex ed!
Do they deliberately make the mastectomy scars more prominent when transing someone? Those are a lot worse than the ones I saw on a friend who got a double mastectomy for cancer reasons.
Considering how much of the Trans movement comes off as an expression of virulent self-hatred? It wouldn’t surprise me.
Maybe a badge of honor for the FtM who want to be celebrated?
Just like mensur!
Words that had never been uttered 2 or 3 years ago.
Definitely one of the top episodes.
“the throbbing warble of Lizzo singing”
Much like something out of Lovecraft in so many ways.
Does she call her backup dancers the Mountains of Madness?
“It’s turning into an orgy!” Finnegan screamed.
And it’s not my type of orgy.
Karine giggled and opened another can of Bud Light.
Make sure you don’t drive afterwards.
“Titties,” Joe said again, reaching for Karine. He grunted as she danced away.
Poor Joe. He doesn’t realize Hunter will be her first man.
“She’ll be fine,” Hunter said. “Jill was my babysitter, babe. I know all the dirty little things that get her off.”
I’m not surprised.
Finnegan ducked into an empty office to rage masturbate and cry.
Huh. I wasn’t expecting this ending.
#metoo
I need a more private office I can guffaw in properly. Had me cracking up the entire episode.
Me neither – but it is apropos.
Maybe not the ending we want, but it’s the ending we need!
Does that make you happy?
I didn’t know SF was a journalist.
This is certainly closer to a straight news story than any of the debt ceiling stories. For a certain meaning of the word “straight” anyways.
What a dishonest cunte.
Reporter: “What would the administration say to parents who are worried that their daughter may have to compete against a male and worried about their daughter’s safety?”
Jean-Pierre: “What you’re alluding to is that transgender kids are dangerous… That is a dangerous thing to say.
And I’m surprised questions like this are actually being asked.
Jean-Pierre: “What you’re alluding to is that transgender kids are dangerous
No bitch, what I’m flat-out saying is that dudes pretending to be chicks are dangerous to actual chicks.
She’s flat-out saying that’s a dangerous thing for you to say. Danger to your career, family, maybe even your freedom.
So, business as usual then?
*waves to Fed*
“That is a dangerous thing to say.”
Your words are violence. Shackle this man and take him away.
Transing is starting to be a losing issue. Countries are starting to outlaw it, parents are pushing back, Budlight boycott is a rallying point, etc.
I think we’re seeing the turning point. The poll numbers about “how many genders are there” and such are going the opposite way of the narrative.
That’s encouraging, because it shows there is a limit to what propaganda can do.
There is a real silent majority on this issue and the media painting it as some far right anti-LGBTQ attack is actual legit gaslighting.
Even grade school kids know the difference between boys and girls and are reacting.
That just means they have to kick it up a notch.
What do you think Current Day Pride Month is?
Farcical?
Preposterous?
It’s kind of silly to frame it as a question of safety. Runners or swimmers are not in danger, though I guess wrestlers could be. It’s more a question of fairness, and lefties claim to be concerned with fairness.
You must have missed the various locker room attacks. Though the schools did try to cover them up.
And bathroom rapes.
Fair point, but I was thinking about the actual competition, not the locker room before or after.
Runners and swimmers are about it. I saw a chick get destroyed on the volleyball court, the hockey rink, the basketball court and the rugby pitch.
Not to mention the MMA chick who got her skull caved in.
No dudes in chick sports.
When my daughter was in school and played basketball and volleyball, I might have ended up in jail if some dude playing dress up injured her.
The progressives only want “fairness” in outcomes, not in the actual activities.
Lefties redefined fairness to include intersectionality points. Women aren’t at the top of the totem pole anymore.
I can’t wait until xe fights Elie Mystal for the title of Prime supergenius law-commenter pundit:
https://www.dailywire.com/news/schizophrenic-transgender-student-terrorized-top-law-school-ranted-about-gavel-dildos-sex-with-trumpies-in-his-own-law-journal
I can’t believe any of that is real. Is it?!
The part about there being a schizo transgendered student who caused constant problems at a law school is probably all true. In terms of anything that they claim happened, they are an unreliable narrator.
Titties.
A North Carolina waitress has sued Hooters, her employer, over unlawful employment discrimination, alleging she was the victim of retaliation from the company after she denounced being sexually harassed by a coworker.
The lawsuit was filed in the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of North Carolina, southern division, by lawyer Sharika Robinson for Margaret Ward on Monday, June 12. It states that Ward, who lives in Mecklenburg County, North Carolina, and worked at a Hooters restaurant in Wilmington, was intentionally discriminated against by the company after she accused Terill Waddell, another Hooters employee, of harassing her and other female members of staff.
Newsweek has contacted Hooters’ media team for comment via email but has not received a response at the time of publication.
Lighten up, sugartits.
Mighty fine jounalisiming there.
A different spin, maybe?
I am going to restart Bully Hunters, but instead of it being for women who are being bullied in video games, it will be for Firsters who are being ganged up on by seconding trash. A top tier Firster will be summoned upon request, arrive on scene, and issue a Firstdown of epic proportions to the culpable bullies.
Did they ever win? I remember the actual group lasted a shorter time than their promo video.
The Firsters will win.
There is only one true first. No way that lonely boy will win.
“And we left Grandma Jill out there!” Finnegan said.
Shouldn’t that be Doctor Grandma Jill, Ed.D. or somesuch?
Not from Finnegan, only the omniscient narrator.
Shouldn’t it be Grossfrau Herr Doktor Jill?
Testing
Testes.
1….2….3????
Testaclese and the Sack of Rome
One, two…and three.
You know who had a lot of balls?
No… the word of the day is Titties. Please try to keep up.
When I first saw those photos, I had no idea that was a man. Apparently there was some work done, and it was done well. I would even say that’s a cute girl. But then I saw other pictures of them, and ew.
Tell the truth. You were mesmerized by the titties and didn’t notice the adam’s apple
I think so. Those are pretty nice. I am a part time artist, and I do appreciate good craftsmanship. Though maybe I didn’t notice because I hear he has some sort of larynx surgery.
Which brings up another issue, there seem to be TikTok influencers who can afford multiple cosmetic surgeries, and middle school kids who get parts hacked off and are sent on their way.
I apologize in advance – the more I have to hear about Pride month at work and on the news, the sillier the thoughts on my head get. September should be Pride month because it comes, you know, right before the Fall.
I can’t wait for some of the other deadly sin months like greed, sloth, and gluttony. Those are in my wheelhouse.
I’d work on getting sloth a month of it’s own, but…I don’t really feel like it right now.
#metoo
It’s August when all of Europe takes a month off from work, right?
My Swedish colleagues are basically unreachable for the final quarter of the year.
November would be Gluttony month in the U.S. although it’s also Envy month on election years.
December is obviously Greed month.
These jokes….summer good and summer bad.
Apparently for Finnegan it was Lust month.
We had the lusty month of May.
I thought it was June as that is the traditional month of weddings.
I was expecting this one (lyrics NSFW).
Having an entire month is turning out to be a disaster. There is a backlash happening, and people are tired of having this constantly in their face. But now we have a month where it’s even MORE in their face.
They didn’t pivot to all Juneteenth coverage fast enough.
*on a call*
Malta guy: if that happens, we’ll be in dire straits
Dresden guy: could you explain please? What is idiom “dire straits?”
Malta guy: It means we’d be in deep trouble.
Dresden guy: Thank you. Do you know how this relates to Mark Knopfler?
My personal favorite language/idiom example was from an Indian guy I shared a workspace with. He had recently gotten to America, and understood that hamburgers were made of cow (for some reason), but turkey burgers were made of turkey, veggie burgers were made of veggies, black bean burgers were made of black beans, so obviously cheeseburgers would be made of cheese.
He was very disappointed when he learned the truth, but admitted that it was delicious.
I hope you explained that turkey burgers were named after the German town of Turkeyburg.
I thought that was Anatoliberg
ALOL
That is a very common mistake for Indians in the US.
My German relatives were disappointed to learn that root beer is a non-alcoholic drink.
I’m wondering if it would be possible to track trends in English neologisms. Exactly when did [modifier]-burger go from “beef patty with [modifier] addition” to “patty made of [modifier].” The latter usage seems much newer to me. I even hear some people refer to chicken sandwiches as “chicken burgers.”
That’s great. I have to remind my people to lay off vernacular and idioms when corresponding with with non-American people. Some are not capable of changing after 20-40 years of speaking one way.
https://youtu.be/sxAk3B_zS5k?t=210
Drop the vernacular.
So you’re saying we should be using our scholarly Latin?
Ya’ll better pull it up cause right now this project isn’t worth the spit shine on a tricycle.
I would recommend using an approved polishing compound for that tricycle. Spit isn’t on the list.
I want to believe.
https://qz.com/starbucks-was-ordered-to-pay-25-million-to-an-ex-manag-1850537751
Me too.
Hoisted on their own retard.
LOL that’s the one where Starbucks voluntarily turned over its property to any bum off the street for unlimited hanging out?
In a sane, not race-obsessed world, they could have solved this with a couple coupons for a free coffee.
Or a ban from the establishment for causing trouble.
The free coffee gets the same result with more cruelty.
Fuck ’em. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Seems real
Not far off: Biden Institutes Call To Gay Prayer 5 Times A Day Facing San Francisco
Don’t give them ideas: Biden Updates Iwo Jima Memorial With Pride Flag
No way am I kneeling on a prayer mat around those people.
This pleases me. Sugar Free once again matched reality, no need to embellish.
“Best Pride ever!” Hunter said, appearing from behind a column.”
I love them way he just materializes out of thin air.
My favorite line was Lizzo’s backup behemoths, though.
It made me think of the Pink Elephant March:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcZUPDMXzJ8
The chick on the left is a passable soyboy. Which says a lot about how emasculated a cohort of American males is.
The dude on the right, there’s just something that doesn’t quite gel in the faceular region. The tits are obvious bolt-ons, too.
Eh, the face is off on the left one too.
I’m all for whatever floats your adult boat, but… ugh. Don’t complain when it dawns on you that even the vast majority of gays are cissies.
Lick the man-pussy, transphobe!
I thought that was a typical gay thing.
North Dakota and Minnesota under an air quality alert until 6 a.m. on Friday due to Canadian wildfire smoke. I’m sure the national media will start their 24 hour coverage any minute now.
Canuck BBQ.
Ontario was in my front yard when I was awakened up. (I’m not woke).
This is fine.
Choices
1. Spend less
2. Inflate our way out of debt (what the reporter is suggesting)
3. Raise taxes
The difference between 2 and 3 is who it hits. 2 crushes the working slobs.
Heh.
Yow
https://twitter.com/TheBabylonBee/status/1668992278231220227
LOL
HA!
Zing!
“Karine giggled and opened another can of Bud Light.”
I see, she’s just trying to counteract the bud light boycott. It’s little details like this that make SF one of the greats.
I am a little surprised the Pentagon isn’t buying ALL the bud light and shipping it to bases overseas.
Don’t give them ideas.
I’m pretty sure that the Executive branch keeps the DoD from monitoring Glibs. Turf wars can be pretty intense.
Who believes, for one instant, Powell would not continue to unhesitatingly finance every penny of Treasury debt?
I remember when John Dean, Democrat candidate for President, mocked George W Bush for running the economy on the Argentine model. Those were the days.
I don’t. I think he’s been trying to avoid a full blown war between the Treasury and the Fed, but that about as far as it goes.
To clarify, there is a war between the Treasury and the Fed, but to date it hasn’t been public. His statement above would seem to indicate that may be over.
Best lawn ornament ever?
My God, it’s full of stars!