Crosstown Traffic

by | Aug 29, 2023 | Cops | 137 comments

tiny filler rant for some slot when there’s nothing to post and we just want to immediately go OT and argue about pizza toppings, so, by all means, immediately go OT and argue about pizza toppings…and bike lanes

reading music definitely not recorded at Ardent

In the Street, definitely recorded at Ardent

generic crime music performed by a commie

Now it all started two Fridays ago, was on – two weeks ago on Friday, when NewWife and I went up to listen to Fleetwood Mac tunes at Lafayette’s, but Fleetwood et al doesn’t perform at the restaurant, so we had to listen to a cover band but at least there was jambalaya and their alto was incredibly young and skinny and comely.  Two sets would run four hours, so the plan was to share a table with friends and bail after four Guinness.

We jumped into the ever-so-easy-to-park 4Runner and rolled eastward, eventually down a formerly useful avenue:  Madison.  Memphis streets are numbered up until our founders (Andrew Jackson et al) ran out of fingers (seven?).  Memphis avenues, except for Poplar (the state tree) and Auction North Parkway, are named for presidents slave holders so that as one rolls south you come forward through the administrations (including innocent Adams the Elder, Esq.) until Monroe, then Union, Beale, and then a listing of states.  Madison was once four lanes all the way and carried considerable weight to and fro, but apparatchiki have reduced it for most of its run to two lanes, a turn lane, and, of course, bike lanes, but it was early evening, and we were in no hurry, so the tortuous path did not much offend.

On the right we passed Huey’s, home of the best burger in the former Confederacy.  The ‘free spankings” sign still hangs behind the bar, there’s a lithograph of Bear Bryant here, some Christian Brothers jersey there, and it’s all very much unchanged since 1986 except that Thomas is dead.  Mr Boggs bought the place shortly after it’s inception and his retirement from percussion.  Everyone in Memphis was in some band once-upon-a-time, and Boggs rode kit for the Box Tops (motto:  did you know Alex Chilton was in our band once?):  his capable but uninspiring thrashings can be heard on a minor hit if you’re really bored.  However, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t in the band for the money.  Anyway, he made a good burger and died and the burger’s still pretty good 15 years on.

Almost to Overton Square (motto:  the second Friday’s restaurant was here!), Ardent Studios came up on the left; too much greatness to list was recorded in there.  Traffic was slowing suitably for the various comings and stumblings of eaters, drinkers, and listeners drifting from bar to bar.  The new parking deck (motto:  you were taxed to build it but it’s not free to use it) is a block south, so I looked to turn right out of the mosh and ease my way over there

when the constabulary pulls in and throws on the bubblegum machines.  Where’d he come from and, goshwillikers, I had better get out of the way of Official Police Business, but then he pulled in behind me.  NewWife was trying not to tense up as I pulled out my license because she knew I was going to get incredibly insolent with Roscoe; she shared a few de-escalating thoughts that banged around in my head for a second or two before bouncing out the other ear.

Illegal turn back there; didn’t use the turning lane.  Wut?  Really?  The street’s so janked up how would you even know there’s a turning lane!?  There’s fucking pots in the road where cars should be and I don’t know how any reasonable person could traverse that bull mess other than to hack one’s way through like you were blazing the trail where the Panama Canal might someday go.  It’s more Target parking lot than street; the job is simply not get hit by a wayward shopping cart or run over a bum while you creep around at 17MPH.  In that gentle milieu, somehow, I had committed the crime of the century.

 

Do THIS, not THAT, because lives are at stake! [note to Glibs who can’t differentiate colors well:  click here to hear a retelling of this entire affair.)

I was arrogant and indifferent, which $28.47/hour officer T Holmes 14177 didn’t know how to interpret.  He muttered something about my eyes being glazed over, I retaliated by characterizing his assessment as standard lame cop crap, and he decided to just go back to his cruiser and write me up instead of subjecting me to The Process for the weekend.

The entire episode set me back a full $57.75.  I have learned my lesson, repent of my transgression, and feel real bad about the entire thing and will be more careful from now on.  I don’t want to be no hard case, boss.

 

 

 

About The Author

Don escaped Memphis

Don escaped Memphis

all my exes live in Texas

137 Comments

  1. R.J.

    Bike lanes are a social construct. Discuss.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      Bike lanes are a function of one demographic group (childless, without property, but cash rich) replacing the previous dominant demographic group in cities (families, home owners, but cash poor). Same reason why the local greasy spoon is being replaced with weird Thai-infuses bbq (or some other cuisine that lacks all elements of regionalism, and yet is found in every major American metro).

      • Fourscore

        Bike lanes-Welcome to the Twin Cities

      • Fatty Bolger

        I wouldn’t say cash rich, I would say cash flow rich. Lots of money flowing through, but very little sticking around.

      • Gender Traitor

        ::looks at TGA’s avatar:: Is that what GKC looks like now that he’s been dead all these years?

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        He finally lost that weight

      • PieInTheSky

        Plenty of people with 3 kids on bikes in Netherlands

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        This isn’t the Netherlands and their demographic profile begs to differ

  2. R.J.

    “I’m sorry ocifer, I emit a high-pitched shriek whenever anyone says the word ‘ticket.’ This jar of bees is my emotional support hive. I have to release them after I shriek. It clams my nerves.”

    • Animal

      It clams my nerves.

      If I thought this was deliberate I’d shellabrate it; but as is, not even Elon Mollusk would want any part of it.

  3. WTF

    And had you moved over to the right to turn, he would have cited you for driving in the bike lane.

  4. Sean

    Don’t spend money in places where you’re not welcome.

    • R.J.

      Boy, I would never spend a dime.

    • R C Dean

      That would certainly be my takeaway.

      I was pulled over on the interstate because I was going past a construction zone, to my right, so I stayed in the left lane. I told the officer that I was doing so intentionally, and staying under the lower speed limit (right, officer?) because it was safer. He still gave me a warning, probably because I was wearing a jacket and tie and had my hospital badge on, seeing as I was going to one of our other hospitals at the time.

      • hayeksplosives

        My department of homeland security badge on my lanyard got me out of a ticket or two back in Nevada.

      • Tundra

        Or at least what it was wedged between! 😉

  5. John Nerfherder

    You should have challenged the officer to an egg eatin’ contest.

  6. Brochettaward

    I will be in the woods for the next 24 hours conducting one of the most sacred of Firsting rituals while the world of the seconders suffers yet another calamity. Firsters shall rise. FIRST POWER. FIRST POWER. FIRST POWER.

    • R.J.

      You in the wood, in a hood. Excellent.
      How goes the Twitter trolling? Anything happening there?

      • Brochettaward

        Twatter makes me feel old.

      • Mojeaux

        Well, I mean…

      • MikeS

        Right?

    • Not Adahn

      Don’t know if you saw this:

      -I spent a lot of time listening to AJ when I lived in Austin, moved in the same circles. I guy I hung out with at the A-Valve studios went to work for him. The dude is a charlatan. He’s (usually) cagey enough to avoid making predictions with details that can’t be disproven but he did slip up and predict the date of the second 9/11 because he had “inside sources” (It was tied to the appearance of a particular Imam in Iran that was going to be the patsy. Plus he’s a MIHOPer with particular scorn for LIHOPers.

      So in summary, fuck that dude.

      • Suthenboy

        MIHOP? LIHOP?

        We use too many acronyms around here. I cant keep up.

      • Suthenboy

        Looked ’em up. Got it.

      • Brochettaward

        I saw it. I had no particular objections to your take, though I don’t think he’s a grifter. I mean, if he is, he built his own market for whatever it is he’s selling, I’d argue. So that’s somewhat admirable.

        I object to the notion that it’s “unspeakable” to quote the guy, and most of what he’s selling in the present would put him pretty much at home among Glibs.

        9/11 conspiracies become easier to believe by the day. Not because of any great groundswell of new evidence, but just because of how fucked up our government behaves right out in the open.

      • MikeS

        And I’ll say to you I never said he was a grifter, not did I say anything about believing the mainstream narrative about him. When I said I’ve heard very little of him it’s because I don’t do podcast or AM radio or whatever he is on. That simple.

      • MikeS

        addendum: and the showmanship turns me off. I was a relatively early fan of Rush, but I got tired of his schtick pretty quick, too.

      • MikeS

        There might be some irony in there.

      • PutridMeat

        relatively early fan of Rush

        There’s hope for you yet! You can recover!

        Wait, what Rush are we talking about here?

      • MikeS

        I knew you’d get confused.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I don’t have a dog in this fight (I don’t even know who you guys are talking about), but to reiterate the point that conspiracy theories have become far more believable, I strongly agree.

        I never cared about the JFK assassination, nor have I ever gone deep down the rabbit hole. My thoughts were always “there’s terrible things they do out in the open, why focus on things that can’t be proved”. But now I 100% believe that elements of the government spearheaded and likely directed JFK’s assassination and I think it’s insane not to believe that nowadays. What possible non-nefarious reason could the government have for refusing to release all the JFK files other than the fact that they look bad?

      • kinnath

        The counter argument has always been that the government isn’t smart enough to keep this hidden for 60 years.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        No but the mob is.

      • kinnath

        TGA said government, not mob.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I use to believe that, but then in the 90s we finally found out that the Gulf of Tonkin incident was made up

  7. MikeS

    Pineapple on pizza was devised by WEF in order to divide us. Say no to Klaus the “Pineapple Man”.

    • Sean

      Wait, I thought that was crickets on pizza?

      • Lackadaisical

        Porque no los dos?

    • Nephilium

      Can we all at least agree that this is wrong on fundamental levels?

    • Tundra

      I’m a globalist madman! To prove my Bond-villain bona fides, I’m gonna grill a prosciutto and pineapple pizza and livestream me eating the entire thing.

      • UnCivilServant

        If you stream something and nobody watches, what difference does it make?

    • Gender Traitor

      But I’m sure we can all agree that pizzas should be cut into little squares, right?

      • Nephilium

        /burns down the pub cut heretic

      • UnCivilServant

        Don’t be absurd. All cuts should be orthogonal to the edge they start at.

      • R C Dean

        Well, if you start with a square/rectangular pizza . . . .

      • kinnath

        No. Those get cut center to center and corner to corner making triangles like dog intended.

      • Not Adahn

        …how many centers does this pizza have?

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, there’s the epicenter, the barycenter, the center of mass, the convention center…

      • UnCivilServant

        Yes. A square or rectangular pizza may be cut into squares or rectangles.

        A round pizza should be wedges.

        If your pizza is lopsided, all bets are off.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Only if it’s thin crust.

  8. Lackadaisical

    “We had an imaginary ranking system for all the cooks– you start out as a Grill Knave, moved up to Grill Apprentice, Grill Soldier, Grill Master, Grill Wizard, Grill Lord. The highest level was Grill God. Only one man had ever achieved it and he’d ascended into the Golden Arches and become a hamburger himself. You now know him as Mayor McCheese. We had long running stories about defending our McDonald’s from the conspiracies of the Burger King, Big Dave Thomas, and Colonel Sanders.”

    This is a great short story: https://twitter.com/Delicious_Tacos/status/1695118075836895453

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      I read his short story “The Gift” and I was amused

    • UnCivilServant

      What a Kroc

      none of those are culinary masterpieces worthy of such a title.

  9. Tundra

    (motto: did you know Alex Chilton was in our band once?)

    Bravo.

    And fabulous filler post. The SNL clip was perfection.

  10. DEG

    reading music definitely not recorded at Ardent

    🙂

    On the right we passed Huey’s, home of the best burger in the former Confederacy.

    I second Don’s recommendation, though I ate a different Huey’s. It was still delicious.

    The entire episode set me back a full $57.75. I have learned my lesson, repent of my transgression, and feel real bad about the entire thing and will be more careful from now on. I don’t want to be no hard case, boss.

    Only $57.75 and your dog wasn’t shot? You should be thankful!

    • Fourscore

      Two warnings in the last 10 years. One for speeding at midnight, one for driving too slow at 4 AM when I thought the road was frosty

  11. UnCivilServant

    🙁

    I have actually given myself a blister prying off these supports. They adhere too strongly to the main object, and in many places are hard to tell apart from the detail I want to save. In one spot I’ve managed to rip a hole through the actual shell of the model to the interior thanks to not realizing that was no longer support.

    • MikeS

      Do I need to say it again?

      • UnCivilServant

        Will whatever I say stop you?

      • MikeS

        No. Start small and get things dialed in. That your very first print on a brand new machine was a 10 hour print and was successful, aside from some trouble removing supports, is a win.

      • UnCivilServant

        I did print out two test walls as well to see what resolution the house could use. Extra fine is indeed quite overkill (but I wanted to see what it looked like). Extra coarse is probably too crude. These match expected results, I’m going to run a draft or extra fast print to see how that looks.

      • MikeS

        👍🏻

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m wondering how much of this trouble is because I used translucent plastic. I can see through to the internal structure (the whole thing looks like it’s made from saran wrap around some sort of frame) This is bound to complicate matters.

      • MikeS

        I’ve not used translucent yet because I’ve read it’s harder to work with and I’m building up slow. Too slow, as I’ve not really used it since last winter.

      • Not Adahn

        two test walls

        You’re on your way to being an Elmo QA inspector.

    • Gender Traitor

      I have actually given myself a blister prying off these supports.

      Well, you know what you should have been wearing.

      Very sorry about the hole.

      • UnCivilServant

        I have miliput.

        When I’ve cleaned up the surface, I’ll fill it in.

    • UnCivilServant

      I printed a third test wall in draft resolution, and that seems to be good.

      • UnCivilServant

        Oh, and my design I spent all those hours fighting Fusion 360 is printing without the need for supports. 🙂

        Of course, it’s a rack for holding paint bottles, so it’s a really simple shape.

      • MikeS

        Huzzah!

        There’s also a lot of accessories for your printer out there to print that are functional and good candidates for tweaking settings.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’ve been browsing STLs since I decided to order the Resin printer, so I’ve seen all sorts of things.

        If only prints ran faster…

      • Gender Traitor

        I’ll be curious to know if it solves your drawer height vs. paint bottle height problem.

      • UnCivilServant

        As do I.

        When it finishes printing, we’ll find out.

      • UnCivilServant

        I primed the test walls, and will paint all three the same way.

        I do note that the surface detail popped only after the translucent plastic was covered in primer.

        MAybe I should have bought an opaque plastic instead of the buy one get one free stock…

      • Gender Traitor

        It’s hard to pass up a BOGOF offer.

  12. R C Dean

    For the Glibs who haven’t escaped Texas, this looks like fun:

    “The aerial gunnery course is designed to teach students how to operate in and around a helicopter along with shooting from a helicopter on ground targets.”

    https://tacticalfitnessaustin.com/course/oct-6-aerial-gunnery-course-austin-georgetown/

    This is the outfit we took a Tavor class from. The owner is an IDF special forces sniper.

    • kinnath

      The world is fucked if we get to the point where I need to be shooting people from a helicopter.

      • Sean

        Want and need are different things…

      • kinnath

        There are many things I want more than that.

      • Trigger Hippie

        What if you happen across an alien infested Husky in the antarctic? You could save a research facility a whole lot of trouble with a helicopter and better aim than the last guy in that scenario.

      • kinnath

        I have to admit, I don’t know that reference (or I have forgotten it).

      • kinnath

        google rides to the rescue

      • Nephilium

        /heats up a wire

        Can I have a blood sample please?

      • R.J.

        I was thinking more along the lines of hog abatement. That would be a useful skill.

      • Drake

        Not even close.

        That means there are still working helicopters, fuel to run them, and ammo to shoot out of them.

        Sounds pretty good.

    • Brochettaward

      I think the only thing I agree with Don on is that Texas is an overrated shithole.

      • DEG

        Try a Huey’s burger.

      • Suthenboy

        You should see Louisiana. Talk about a shithole full of ignorant people. Geez. I highly recommend that people do not move here. In fact, when traveling they should drive around the state.

      • Not Adahn

        Louisiana… when traveling they should drive around the state.

        That was standard advice when I lived in Houston. Apparently the state’s budget was based on ticketing out-of-staters on I-10.

      • Suthenboy

        I think you missed my point.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Hear you loud and clear…I’ll continue my streak of not visiting or living in Louisiana.

      • Not Adahn

        Nope, but since you have LA plates, you may have missed mine.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    “The aerial gunnery course is designed to teach students how to operate in and around a helicopter along with shooting from a helicopter on ground targets.”

    Hog hunting?

    • R C Dean

      Sure. Just keep believing that.

      • MikeS

        Long hog

    • EvilSheldon

      Precisely.

    • John Nerfherder

      So are we going with volcanic destruction?

      • Tundra

        I think that’s been right up there with nuclear armageddon and plague the whole time.

      • John Nerfherder

        On the bright side, timescales with these sorts of things are pretty long.

        Until they’re not.

      • John Nerfherder

        It’s kind of like being a goldbug. You’re never right, until you are. You just don’t know if you’re going to live that long.

        *looking at you, Schiff*

      • Ownbestenemy

        *eyes Yellowstone Caldera*

      • blighted_non_millenial

        If that goes it’s over for North America and most of the rest of the world will have an extremely tough go if they make it at all.

      • John Nerfherder

        It’s perfectly possible that heat transfer to the surface is simply increasing.

        The best chart is downthread. They’ve known for decades from ice cores that CO2 lags temperature increases, not leads.

        Twenty years ago, people were still asking the question of “If that’s the case, why are we blaming the temperature increase on CO2?”

        Now they’ve just stopped mentioning it at all, but the facts haven’t changed.

      • Suthenboy

        The poles are moving at break-neck speed. To me that indicates the core is moving and will probably drag all of the hotspots into different locations after the core settles in place. Of course, the problem is that we really know very little about the mechanics of a system with so many variables because we have a very limited way of measuring any of those variables. Most of the conclusions drawn in earth science look like wild-ass guesses to me.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Impossible! The world shall never change! If it does, it must mean something right? Give me money and I will tell you why.

      • Suthenboy

        I doubt it will be apocalyptic. We have been through it before, we will this time and next time…
        I am sure it moves all of the time just faster sometimes than others.

        Someone told me once “But all of the evidence shows micro crystals of iron all pointing the same direction so it surely came to rest.”

        Me – Well it is a good thing the continents dont move around so that we have a flawless record…

    • kinnath

      summary for those of us that don’t twit?

      • John Nerfherder

        Hypothesis: Greatly increased mantle activity is driving ocean heating and the rate of temperature change has spiked in recent months

        Forecast: Boom?

      • John Nerfherder

        Let me rephrase:

        Observation: The rate of sea surface temperature change has spiked in the last few months

        Hypothesis: It’s a result of thermal drive from the mantle

        Prediction: Boom?

      • Tundra

        The best part is that we literally can do nothing about it!

      • John Nerfherder

        CHOOSE THE FORM OF YOUR DESTRUCTOR

        What did you do, Ray?

      • kinnath

        thanks

      • UnCivilServant

        If only we’d cut carbon faster!

  14. The Late P Brooks

    It’s kind of like being a goldbug. You’re never right, until you are. You just don’t know if you’re going to live that long.

    I have been saying for more than a decade that shorting Treasuries was going to pay off in a big way. If I had taken my own advice I’d be penniless.

    Now…

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Surprise

    Recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reveals a surprising statistic: nearly 99% of reported “Covid deaths” each week are not primarily caused by the virus.

    This finding, based on the CDC’s Covid dashboard, indicates that only 1.7% of the 324 Covid deaths registered in the week ending August 19 had the coronavirus as the primary cause of death.

    This means that only a handful of American lives are being lost directly to the virus each week, a stark contrast to the pandemic’s peak in 2021 when the virus accounted for one in three “Covid deaths.”

    ——-

    Although the CDC has not reported the primary cause of death in cases where Covid was a secondary factor, separate data from the agency shows that, thus far in August, the largest cause of death in the US has been cancer, followed by heart diseases.

    Who didn’t already know this? The only surprise is that they weren’t able to bury it.

    *I suspect that 2021 “1 in 3” number is complete bullshit

    • Suthenboy

      TPTB here in the US is populated almost entirely of grifters. They know jack-shit about earth science and dont care. They know jack-shit about microbiology and dont care. They only care that they can use those as premises for confidence games that result in their gaining more money and more power. That is all they care about. I dont believe a goddamned word they say. I find that taking that approach you will be right 99x out of 100.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    Other states, like Washington, Tennessee, North Carolina, and New York, hover around 2%, while more than two dozen states experienced just one to nine deaths due to Covid in the week ending on August 19. The death rate is slightly higher among women than men, and highest in people 75 years and older.

    Crank up the panic machine. Mask ’em up, lock ’em down.

    • Sean

      *Sprays Lysol on Brook’s comment*

    • Suthenboy

      If you scare people they will do anything you tell them to do. – Adolf Eichmann

  17. kinnath

    For some reason, FB is feeding me advertisements for Survivalist gear. It must know something that I don’t.

    • John Nerfherder

      It knows you’re scared.

      • Suthenboy

        *rolls chair to window and using one finger to part a slat in Venetian blind. Gives the world a narrow gaze. drops the slat and puts pistol back on computer table.*

    • R.J.

      I suggest you lookup fun tings like “hobo guitar made from a cigar box” to make your results more entertaining.

      • The Other Kevin

        It might be a good joke to wait until someone leaves the room without their phone, then have a loud discussion about unusual sex toys in front of it.

  18. Don escaped Texas

    fabulous filler post

    Glad it helps; There was a lot of garbage in there and a dozen shots at humor, but hopefully something for everyone. This C+ effort was limited by the misfortune of being 98% true.

    NewWife still thinks my calling her NewWife here is hysterical.

    Only $57.75 and your dog wasn’t shot? You should be thankful!
    pretty much!