Joemala: Episode 196

by | Aug 9, 2023 | Joemala | 191 comments

 

Asleep on the Oval Office couch, Karine farted and startled herself awake.

Across the vast coffee table, Hunter said from the settee, “Ah, you’re awake.”

“Shit, what time is it, did I miss the press briefing?” she asked, rubbing the heels of her hands into her eyes.

“You got about two hours,” Hunter said.

“How long have you been there?” she asked.

“About an hour.”

“So you have just been sitting there?”

“Yes.”

“Watching me sleep?”

“You are just so entertaining,” he said, moving suddenly from the settee to squat like a gargoyle on the coffee table. “You twitch like a cat having a dream, your little hands clenching like you’ve caught a baby bunny.”

“You are so creepy,” Karine said, struggling to sit up.

“My brother’s widow tasted like honey when I had her. Her sister was more… piquant? Like aged cheese, with maybe a little bit of red meat? Definitely an umami flavor profile.”

“Jesus.”

“I just want to know what you taste like, baby. I mean, does a tongue really have a gender?”

“What are you doing on the coffee table?” Finnegan asked as she swept into the room. “Do I have to go get the spray bottle?”

“I am not a cat!” Hunter said, squatting even lower to rest his testicles on the hideous antique table. “And if I were a cat, I’d be the really expensive kind!”

“OK, if that’s how you want to play this,” Finnegan said and turned to leave the room.

“Fine,” Hunter said and hopped back onto the settee. “You know I’ve been depressed since the plea deal was turned down. Squatting on stuff cheers me up.”

He leered at bleary-eyed Karine. “Being squatted on as well.” She snorted in disgust.

“And you know I’ve been fragile since I smoked the last of Cracky,” he pouted.

“Thank fuck that damn thing is finally gone,” Karine said.

“Cracky will live again!” Hunter declared. “I just have to sneak out one night, buy all the crack in DC, and crush it together in a big ball.”

Finnegan audibly rolled her eyes. “With what money?”

“I’ll sell another painting,” Hunter said sadly. “I don’t want to, it’s like losing a child when I do. I’m just devastated.”

“Like losing a child?” Finnegan asked. “Selling one of your shitty paintings made with ink and spit is just like if I died? Just when I think I’ve seen the bottom, you kick open a door to yet another basement.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it,” Karine said, twisting around to look at her.

“Stay out of this, drunky,” Finnegan snapped. “This is Biden business.”

The Presidential Shitter flushed with a mighty roar. And flushed again.

“I think I need some help in here,” Joe said faintly. Finnegan took a couple of steps toward the bathroom and Karine scurried out.

“Christ, what now?” Finnegan asked.

“What has he done?” Hunter asked. “That thing could flush a Thanksgiving turkey.”

“There’s something in-in-in here,” Joe said. “I think it’s a leg. A-a-a human leg.”

“Oh. Don’t worry, it’s just a prosthetic,” Hunter told his daughter. “I had some people over last night.”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

191 Comments

  1. kinnath

    “Oh. Don’t worry, it’s just a prosthetic,”

    Saving the best for last.

  2. The Late P Brooks

    That intro sounds… ominous.

  3. Fourscore

    Fun and funny this time. Entirely believable with no exaggeration. I’ll still be able to enjoy lunch. Thanks SF.

    • rhywun

      Entirely believable with no exaggeration.

      This.

      Every time Suge paints a picture of that family’s trashiness, real life comes along and says, “Hold my beer.” Can you imagine all the lurid details we’re not hearing about?

      • WTF

        Yup. It seems like SugarFree is basically the Biden family biographer at this point.

  4. Aloysious

    Cracky makes a comeback. Hopefully.

  5. ron73440

    Asleep on the Oval Office couch, Karine farted and startled herself awake.

    Excellent start.

    Reminded me of my rottweiler that would fart in his sleep and the smell would wake him up.

    He would always look so confused.

    When he woke suddenly and moved to the other side of the room, we all knew to brace because it was heading our way.

    It would make eyes water sometimes.

    • R.J.

      A dog after my own heart.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    Just another day in the life of America’s finest family.

    *laugh track*

  7. Not Adahn

    Apparently Hunter has trained as a sumo wrestler.

  8. Rebel Scum

    Her sister was more… piquant? Like aged cheese, with maybe a little bit of red meat? Definitely an umami flavor profile.

    That’s…different.

  9. DEG

    “What are you doing on the coffee table?” Finnegan asked as she swept into the room. “Do I have to go get the spray bottle?”

    HAH!

    “Oh. Don’t worry, it’s just a prosthetic,” Hunter told his daughter. “I had some people over last night.”

    Huh.

  10. The Other Kevin

    SF somehow makes the most horrible people on the planet even more horrible. Bravo.

    • Sean

      Dude.

      • Drake

        Video on his laptop nobody talks about…

      • Old Man With Candy

        I object to the blue squares over the tits. Americans deserve the whole truth.

      • kinnath

        If she is a minor in that photo, then even with the blue squares, it is treading close to child porn. So, another felony he has not been charged with.

      • Drake

        Statutory rape and maybe incest depending on which state.

    • DEG

      Sexually assaulting her? What if she likes being choked?

  11. The Gunslinger

    OT: I’ve decided to follow the EPL this season. I even picked a team to root for: Brighton and Hove. Selected for no other reason than they are the Seagulls and there are lots of seagulls where I live.
    Is my new adopted team any good?
    I see they have a game (match?) this Saturday.

    • rhywun

      Middling, IIRC. They will never win the league but they seem to be sticking around for awhile.

      • The Gunslinger

        Thanks. Do you have a team to root for?

      • rhywun

        Historically (like, 10 years), Liverpool. I chose them because the city reminded me of Buffalo – former industrial town gone to seed.

        I also support Nottingham Forest who surprised me by joining the EPL a couple years back.

        I have paid almost zero attention since most of the matches went pay stream. Nothing has changed in that area so I don’t know how much attention they will get from me this year.

      • rhywun

        10 15 years

        JFC where is the time going

      • Sean

        You’re getting old.

      • Shirley Knott

        Pssst. We all are. Sigh

      • The Gunslinger

        Yeah, I’ll try and follow the team but I’m not paying for any services.

      • juris imprudent

        They over-performed last season, but they are losing players on transfer as the bigger clubs wave around large fees and player wages. It will be interesting to see how they do this year – if they’ve got enough talent still and good management.

    • Certified Public Asshat

      They are a fun team, finished 6th last year so they are in Europa. They score a decent amount and have one of the top striker prospects in Evan Ferguson. Did lose their best player to Liverpool (boo) and will likely lose second best player to Chelsea (boo x2, fuck Chelsea).

      Brighton I think is the gay area of England. NTTAWWT, but fun fact?

      • The Gunslinger

        Hmmm. Interesting since I live about 6 miles from Saugatuck Michigan which is known as the gay area of West Michigan.

      • rhywun

        It doesn’t get any gayer than six miles from the gay area of West Michigan. 🤨

      • The Gunslinger

        I hesitate to even admit this because of the times we live in but back when I was younger and dumber, Saugatuck used to be referred to as Sausagetuck. Uffda.

      • rhywun

        LOL that is funny

  12. The Late P Brooks

    Miracle cure

    GM on Wednesday revealed the 2025 Cadillac Escalade IQ, an all-electric vehicle with more power than the current supercharged V-8 SUV, an estimated range of 450 miles – more than any GM EV to date – and a 55-inch LED screen across its dashboard.

    “The importance of Cadillac to our global portfolio can’t be overstated,” GM President Mark Reuss said during the vehicle’s reveal in New York City. “You are witnessing the rise of Cadillac.”

    The vehicle is expected to arrive in dealer showrooms late next summer, starting at around $130,000. That’s a premium compared with its traditional counterparts that have on average been selling for about $115,500 this year (but still lower than a limited-edition performance model of the vehicle that went on sale last year that started around $150,000).

    Stay clear of your local Cadillac dealer. You’re liable to be trampled by all the people rushing in to place their orders.

    • The Other Kevin

      I’ve already ordered one in each color.

    • kinnath

      and a 55-inch LED screen across its dashboard.

      Give me dials, or give me death

    • Rebel Scum

      estimated range of 450 miles

      Sure.

      • The Other Kevin

        Well, not in a row.

      • Sensei

        estimated range of 450 miles*

        * EPA Test Cycle – Real mile may vary. Guess which way it will vary…

    • Sean

      an available 40-speaker KG audio system.

      o.O

    • R.J.

      Or burned up in a battery fire.

  13. John Nerfherder

    “Cracky will live again!

    I believe

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Powering the vehicle is a 24-module battery that includes more than 200 kilowatt-hours of available energy. GM says the battery is capable of charging up to 100 miles of range in 10 minutes when using an 800-volt DC fast charger – the quickest form of charging currently available.

    How hot does that get?

    • MikeS

      Hot enough to start a battery fire, I bet.

    • John Nerfherder

      Voltage doesn’t really generate the heat. It’s the current that gets ya’

      Higher voltage does however increase the risk of a short due to voltage breakdown.

      • Sensei

        Frequently you actually heat the pack before DC fast charging. Tesla is 32C to 42C.

    • Not Adahn

      Someone check my math, but if that’s one-quarter of the battery capacity, 375A?

      Not sure what the resistance is on a piece of copper rated for 375A to do the final I^2R calculation.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Hot enough to start a battery fire, I bet.

    I was thinking more along the lines of can you even touch the connector to unplug it without getting burned? But I’m sure the battery pack gets plenty warm.

    • Sean

      Remind me again how this helps “save” the planet.

      • The Other Kevin

        Look around. Gas cars produce all that dirty smoke. You don’t see any of that coming out of an electric car, do you? /How they really think

      • R.J.

        This lithium battery pack is making a lot of smoke. Should the bus driver get a ticket for hurting Gaia?

        https://www.bitchute.com/video/Uvohud34SMhp/

        I didn’t feel this way until Biden started demanding everyone buy electric cars. by 2030 or else. Economy and technology is not ready yet for that massive of a roll out. Fuck him for pushing this.

      • WTF

        Well, at least he’s pushing to massively increase reliable grid capacity to handle all the extra load, right? Right?

      • R.J.

        Sure.

        *Eats entire bottle of black pills

      • rhywun

        If by “push”, you mean “waving his invisible magic wand”, sure.

        (And by “he”, you mean every Democrat governor in addition to Joe.)

      • rhywun

        LOL that’s insane. Is there any verification of that? It’s kind of light on detail.

      • R.J.

        Hey. Next video is about the illuminati. It must be a real fire.

    • R.J.

      Government wages are up. Not mine. Or anyone else I know who works private sector. I cant afford to eat out anymore either. Just about anything, including fast food is $50-$100 a meal. That’s serious cash.

      • Nephilium

        The girlfriend and I were just discussing that when we went out for tacos the other day. Two of us, one mocktail, one beer, one queso sampler (it comes with three half orders), one bowl, and two tacos came to damn near $60 after tip.

    • Sensei

      Sure, wages are up. Have those wages increased at the same rate as CPI?

      I’ll wait for a yes or no answer…

    • MikeS

      But the Bidenflation is lower than it was 12 months ago! Yay Brandon!

  16. The Late P Brooks

    Remind me again how this helps “save” the planet.

    Tinkerbell will die if you don’t clap. Why do you want to kill Tinkerbell?

    • Timeloose

      Is that like making the hooker clap when you are in the bathroom, so you know that she’s not stealing from you?

      • WTF

        *snort* “hooker clap”

      • ron73440

        I learn all knid of tips and tricks from here.

      • Timeloose

        I have to give Artie Lang credit for that one.

      • DrOtto

        First thing I thought of when I read it was Artie. That’s just good life advice there.

  17. Mojeaux

    @cyto re dedthred computers: That was 20 years ago, which I look back on rather fondly because he was just trying to help and yes, SHINY NEW TOY!!!11! I have to learn to qualify my requests for help with, “I have already done X, Y, and Z” so he can take it from there.

    • cyto

      Your life will be so much easier if you just remember – even if he is a brain surgeon or rocket scientist – he is an idiot compared to you.

      Us dudes just don’t think about things the way women do.

      YouTube put a short in front of me yesterday with some commetator talking about a survey of “what men and women are thinking about”. So at quite moments when left to their own devices, Men were thinking about “sex or sports”. Women were overwhelmingly “reviewing conversations”.

      You know what no guy has done, ever? Reviewed a conversation.

      Not.

      That.

      Bright.

      If you evaluate your dude’s behavior based on that assumption, you will have much less stress in your life.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Just like the good old days

    United Auto Workers (UAW) union President Shawn Fain angrily tossed contract proposals from Stellantis (STLAM.MI) in a trash can on Tuesday, citing numerous concessions that the Chrysler parent is seeking in labor talks.

    “Stellantis proposals are a slap in the face,” Fain said during an online chat, disclosing the company is proposing cuts to health-care coverage, fewer vacation days for new hires, employer cuts to 401(k) contributions, and lifting a cap on the number of temporary employees. “Management has chosen to spit in our faces.”

    During the chat Fain tossed a copy of the Stellantis proposal in a waste basket. “That’s where it belongs – in the trash – because that’s what it is,” he said.

    The July 27 company document seen by Reuters makes many proposals aimed at reducing absenteeism, which the automaker said cost it more than 16,000 vehicles of lost production, or $217 million in lost revenue.

    Stellantis also seeks to cut pension, health-care and other costs, saying that amid government electric vehicle rules, it “is imperative we find ways to reduce the overall fixed cost structure of our business.”

    I’m rooting for a long bitter strike which destroys the union and the manufacturers.

    • Sensei

      So we can bail the pension plan out again?

      • WTF

        Yeah, with Joe in the White House, they will definitely be bailed out and many favors will be granted to the union in the process.

      • R.J.

        Sigh. Mopar had one great boss, Sergio Marchionne. And he had to go die. He was right about electric cars too. They are a profit sucking waste of time.

  19. Rebel Scum

    Milquetoast Mike strikes again.

    Pence just accidentally admitted he could have turned the 2020 election over to the House of Representatives but he didn’t because he was worried about ‘chaos’

    That means he admits he knew that he had the legal ability to do that

    Trump thrives on chaos. Petty, petulant Pence is weak.

    • Sean

      Pence is a big fucking bonus hole.

    • robc

      Still not as bad as bluemountain.com. Purchased for $780 million, sold 2 years later for $35 million.

      • cyto

        Oof. And somebody probably got an $8 million bonus for putting that deal together.

      • robc

        It also led to Jared Polis’s political career.

        His parents were the founders of Blue Mountain Arts, and he helped start the website.

      • rhywun

        up to $1 billion to acquire Bluemountain.com, a privately held electronic greeting card company with little revenue but millions of loyal users

        LOL!!

        It really was a crazy time.

      • Sensei

        Here, Verizon is going to claim that it gained all kinds of valuable intellectual property.

        We all know that is bogus, but that is going to be the claim.

      • rhywun

        bluemountain.com

        Wow, I had to look that up, in addition to “BlueJean”.

        Not everyone wins the “tech” lottery, I guess.

    • Drake

      They just write it off!

    • John Nerfherder

      Just like radio, but on the internet.

      *insert three commas here*

  20. The Late P Brooks

    I cant afford to eat out anymore either. Just about anything, including fast food is $50-$100 a meal. That’s serious cash.

    I tried a new restaurant (I’d classify it as a “diner”) yesterday. Huevos rancheros for lunch. It was good. ‘d go back. But it cost me 18 bucks. Breakfast used to be relatively cheap.

  21. robc

    I deadthreaded this comment, so repeating here:

    Chess World Cup Rnd 4 update. Rnd 4 continues tomorrow with possible tiebreakers on Friday.

    Vincent Keymer (2690) upsets Magnus Carlsen (2835). Magnus will have to win tomorrow to force tiebreaker.
    *Hikaru Nakamura (2787) draws with Praggnanandhaa (2690)
    *Fabiano Caruana (2782) draws with *Ray Robson (2689)
    Ian Nepomniachtchi (2779) draws with Nihal Sarin (2688)
    Alexey Sarana (2685) defeats *Wesley So (2769)
    Leinier Dominguez Perez (2739) draws with Radoslaw Wojtaszek (2676)

    Winners advance to rnd of 16. * means American.

    Keymer is a young German, one of the best junior players. He is 19. He was pressuring Magnus the whole game and then Magnus blundered, and it gave Keymer the edge to force a victory.

  22. juris imprudent

    I give credit, he’s preaching heresy in his church, particularly his point #1 on what to change.

    Embrace more non-political aspects to life. People mostly get along just fine outside of the world of partisan politics and the media scaffoldings that support it—think about the workplace, neighborhood or school gatherings, sports teams, book clubs, the military, or various interfaith groups. These non-political organizations work well precisely because they encourage cooperation between people with multiple backgrounds and perspectives. In general, everyone agrees to do things together—or work towards a common goal—rather than always pressing their own interests and personal identities.

    The more people engage in these pluralistic organizations, and the less they engage in combative partisan politics, the better.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    The more people engage in these pluralistic organizations, and the less they engage in combative partisan politics, the better.

    This is why every single aspect of life must be politicized.

    • Not Adahn

      “Bring your whole self to work! No, not you!”

    • juris imprudent

      That’s the crowd he is talking to – and against that. Commendable even if Sisyphean.

    • Nephilium

      There were a couple of comments about that from Browns players about Schwarz (our new DC). I’m also laughing at the Ravens continuing to go after Browns cast offs.

    • Gender Traitor

      Yikes! Anyone know on which island dbleagle lives?

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Oahu?

  24. The Late P Brooks

    So the former Chiefs offensive coordinator Eric Bienemy, who has had trouble getting a head coaching job in the past, was hired to be the OC for the Redskins. Apparently, the players are bitching and moaning because it’s too hard. Let me call a wah-mbulance.

    In other, completely unrelated, news, Washington has been picked by nobody anywhere to win a division championship.

    • Mojeaux

      Husband tells me Chiefs training camp is the toughest in the league. I don’t know if that’s really true or just some rah-rah-sis-boom-ba.

  25. Shirley Knott

    @Mojeaux — where’s a good place to pick up 1/8 to 1/4″ thick felt discs of 3 1/4″ diameter? As the resident crafting goddess, I figured you were the right person to ask. 😉
    These are to re-felt coasters; I’d need a dozen at most. Mail order is fine, maybe even preferred 😉
    Thanks!

    • Mojeaux

      Go to Michaels, buy a couple of felt squares (8.5 x 11) and cut out circles and glue them on.

      • Shirley Knott

        Ah, would that I could. Unfortunately, I have tremors in my hands that render such a project impractical if not impossible. Has anyone pointed out that getting old sucks? Cause it does.
        I went to An
        Amazon, and lo and behold, they had adhesive backed cork discs in exactly the right size. Cork will do me fine.
        But thanks! Knew you’d have a good source.

      • R.J.

        Yes. Those can also be had in big square 6″ x 6″ sheets so you can cut out the shape you want. I have used those before.

      • Mojeaux

        Shirley Knott said he can’t cut them himself.

      • Shirley Knott

        Dang. Can’t type and can’t proofread either. Sigh. Cataract surgery this Fall, in all likelihood.

  26. The Late P Brooks

    Two people briefed on the matter told Reuters that automakers have estimated the UAW’s contract demands could raise the current mid-$60-per-hour labor rate to more than $150 per hour.

    The UAW is also seeking to make all temporary workers at U.S. automakers permanent, add a substantial increase in paid time off, and restore retiree health-care benefits and cost-of-living adjustments. The union also wants new limits on temporary workers.

    And when the cheapest new car on the market costs $50k “business reporters” will write thumbsuckers about the baffling demise of the “affordable car”.

    • creech

      And blame the greedy capitalist management.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Sorry, not meant as a reply.

      • creech

        They need proof Joe got some of it and didn’t pay taxes on it. Even then, most Dems will be willing to wave it away.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      I vaguely remember her and it was vulgar stuff, a poor kid victimized by her fame whore parents looks like. RIP.

  27. Swiss Servator

    “And you know I’ve been fragile since I smoked the last of Cracky,” he pouted.

    NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

  28. Rebel Scum

    Material for next week’s episode.

    Mrs. Biden ventured to the LGBT mecca for an event at Manny’s, a community gathering “space” that boasted on Instagram in a post about her visit as being “unapologetically queer and unapologetically political.”

    The Manny’s Instagram post shows Jill Biden posing with what appears to be five drag queens, men dressing up as pretend women. Such “queens” usually come off as crude caricatures mocking the fairer sex. The post’s caption reads: “This photo says it all – San Francisco queens meeting the First Lady of the United States of America in a civic meeting space in the Mission District of my fair city of San Francisco.”

  29. juris imprudent

    Taibbi with a sledgehammer from the top rope…

    The only reason polls are at 43-43 (or perhaps slightly in Biden’s disfavor) is because the other actor is Donald Trump. If Democrats should be panicking because they’re not trouncing an opponent whose biggest campaign events have been arraignments, it’s just as bad for Trump that he polls even with a man who’s a threat to walk into a propeller or carry a child into a forest every time he walks outside.

    • R.J.

      Drives me crazy. The Repubs can promote any number of good candidates, but it’s Trump again. Why? Because of internal Republican voter polls? If voter really want this match up on both sides, we are lost.

      • John Nerfherder

        Don’t worry. After the convention, Joe will have an accident and you’ll get Newsom vs Trump.

        Happier?

      • John Nerfherder

        And by “accident” I mean “offed by a a single right-wing MAGA Nazi with five assault weapons simultaneously fired from multiple angles”

      • juris imprudent

        Oh, you mean like The Patriot. That must be the big fear about ghost guns!

      • Drake

        RFK’s “accident” may need to happen earlier.

      • one true athena

        Nah Democrats can rig the convention w superdelegates easily. They might want to shut him up f8ir other reasons, but he’s never winning the primary.

      • Drake

        Can they really promote good alternative candidates? They certainly haven’t yet, and I can’t think of a national Repub politician who is particularly “good” other than Rand Paul.

      • kinnath

        I would vote for Zombie Dick Nixon at this point.

      • juris imprudent

        If we have to have political dynastic families, why no more Tafts?

      • robc

        Does Coolidge have any great-grandkids?

      • juris imprudent

        Because most of the rest of the Republicans are still in on the status quo.

        I have to laugh that people are terrified of Trump – he’s a fucking toothless tyrant. We keep fooling around with populist demagogues and we’re going to get the real deal eventually.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Who’s our Pinochet then?

      • John Nerfherder

        I look snazzy in a uniform.

        Just sayin’

      • Drake

        Can you fly a helicopter?

      • juris imprudent

        We won’t know that until he seizes power, which of course is too late.

      • Drake

        Already too late.

    • UnCivilServant

      Those are different budget line items and there is a freeze on capital investment while the overtime has a blanket authorization.

      /Bureaucrat Guess.

      • R.J.

        Damn good guess.

    • Fourscore

      UPS Driver was all smiles this morning but said the contract hadn’t been signed yet.

    • rhywun

      This is the same organization that routinely retires trackwalkers with half-million-dollar pensions who got there by logging more hours in their final year than it is physically possible to work.

  30. The Late P Brooks

    Mrs. Biden ventured to the LGBT mecca for an event at Manny’s, a community gathering “space” that boasted on Instagram in a post about her visit as being “unapologetically queer and unapologetically political.”

    Unapologetically obsequious personality cultists.

  31. The Late P Brooks

    That’s the crowd he is talking to – and against that. Commendable even if Sisyphean.

    Yes. Our modern day puritans, whose chief worry is that somebody, somewhere, is having fun not thinking about how to advance the interests of the Party.

    • juris imprudent

      Again, I give credit for him delivering the message. He knows his audience and their flaw(s). Will they be receptive? Sure, and oh by the way, would you be interested in a bridge I have for sale?

  32. John Nerfherder

    Now this is getting interesting.

    https://covidreason.substack.com/p/breaking-nih-secret-third-party-royalty

    OpenTheBooks.com has the skinny and download on one of the best kept secrets of the pandemic – royalties for NIH scientists. We still have a LOT to uncover but here is the lowdown on one Fauci, Anthony from the database. 37 licenses assigned to him for royalties.

    Unfortunately it just ties the holders to the license numbers, but it’s getting closer to the truth.

    • The Other Kevin

      That’s one of those things Rand Paul was trying to get out of Fauci. I’d like to see more of this.

    • juris imprudent

      We aren’t sending our best.

      • Sean

        So, not Entenmann’s?

    • John Nerfherder

      See, that was her big mistake. She should have brought Colt 45s.

      • Rebel Scum

        Do Ukrainians drink malt liquor?

      • John Nerfherder

        For Niger, dummy.

        Ukrainians get Smirnoff’s

      • DrOtto

        Malta liquor or guns?

      • DrOtto

        Malta, dammit

      • DrOtto

        Malt, dammit, dammit.

      • Trigger Hippie

        If you would have typed that one more time you would invoked the spirit of Saint John.

    • kinnath

      The DOJ is picking now fights with two billionaires neither of which have any fucks to give.

    • The Other Kevin

      Due process is only for those the state deems innocent.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      What kind of crazy shit is that?

    • MikeS

      I’m not saying it isn’t bullshit, but AKSHULLY, the DOJ didn’t fine Elon Musk. A DC District court found X in contempt and fined the company $350,000.

      • MikeS

        *A DC District Appeals court upheld a lower court’s contempt order.

  33. John Nerfherder

    If the entire world is just a figment of my overactive imagination, then I’m taking some crazy pills. This one sets a new standard for batshit.

    https://twitter.com/JohnMappin/status/1689061513955315712

    A mother is contemplating the idea of pressing charges against a vet because he would not treat he son who identifies as a cat.

    • Sean

      Someone should notify child services.

      • John Nerfherder

        Not animal control?

      • Sean

        Only if the kid has rabies.

    • Rebel Scum

      Not sure if serious or troll…

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Wanna be brave you weirdo? Try that in Korea.

      • R.J.

        But does he pick up his own poop in the little plastic bags?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Sorry, your kid has distemper and will have to be put down immediately.

    • Gender Traitor

      My cat identifies as my son, so I’m claiming him as a dependent on my health insurance and my taxes.

      • Sean

        *golf clap*

  34. The Late P Brooks

    Who’s our Pinochet then?

    Whoever he is, he’s well organized. Unlike Trumpitler.

  35. The Late P Brooks

    BREAKING NEWS: The Biden DOJ JUST FINED Elon Musk $350,000 For REFUSING To Hand Over Access to Donald Trump’s Twitter Account

    Access? Couldn’t they just read them?

    • John Nerfherder

      They can’t/won’t claim to have them if they aren’t freely granted access.

      Even though they do have them.

    • R.J.

      I have no words. Absolutely ridiculous. If true.

    • rhywun

      They probably want to fake-post from it.

  36. The Late P Brooks

    I would vote for Zombie Dick Nixon at this point.

    Zombie JFK would be better.

    Bring back Andrew Jackson.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Zombie Barry Goldwater

    • Rebel Scum

      Bring back Andrew Jackson.

      Now you’re talking.

      • Lackadaisical

        At least he’d end the Fed.

    • Lackadaisical

      “I HEAR BIDEN IS COMING TO UTAH. DIGGING OUT MY OLD GHILLE SUIT AND CLEANING THE DUST OFF THE M24 SNIPER RIFLE,” Robertson allegedly wrote. “WELCOM, BUFFOON-IN-CHIEF!”

      Technically not a threat, but okay. Also they responded fast as hell. Guessing we’ll never see the body camera footage from this.

      • juris imprudent

        Robertson allegedly wrote

        And yet that trans-male shooter manifesto is still under wraps.