The original title to this novella was I, Rambo. I wrote to David Morrell, creator of Rambo for permission to use his character and he was kind enough to respond. He said fanfiction is OK, but because Rambo is copyrighted, I can’t publish a story for profit with that name. No problem, I re-wrote the story. Enjoy.
Foreword
While I was in the Army, I did not experience any combat, though I have been in a number of dangerous situations in the US and overseas. I drew on those experiences in part to write this book.
All the violent and criminal acts described herein are 100% fictitious and strictly for entertainment purposes only. Don’t try this stuff at home.
Coming in hot; locked, cocked, and ready to rock!
***
I was born in 1945 and grew up in Jefferson County, West Virginia. Fun fact: it’s the only county in that state which doesn’t have any coal. But I digress. Often. The most famous town there is called Harpers Ferry. John Brown’s failed abolitionist raid took place there. He was hanged a few months later in Charles Town, about five miles away from the house I grew up in. The history of The Civil War and war in general saturated my childhood. I remember once climbing up Maryland Heights, where you can get a great view of Harpers Ferry. Confederate artillery was once positioned there during a battle and it’s easy to see why. From there, you can see a Catholic church that was used as a hospital for the wounded of both sides. To avoid being attacked, the priest flew the British flag as a sign of neutrality. The ruse worked. That flag is still displayed in the church. It was in September of 1862 when that happened. 26,000 Confederates surrounded 14,000 Union troops defending Harpers Ferry. In the end, The Confederates won, and 12,000 Union soldiers surrendered. It was the largest surrender of the US Army until the fall of Bataan in 1942.
My dad was a tail gunner on a B-17 during WW2. Of course, I was amazed when I found out and all the more so since he was so humble about it. I asked the question everybody who’s never been to war asks: did you kill anybody? His answer was: “I kind of hope not, but it was my job. They were shooting at me, so I shot back. I was lucky to make it home in one piece.” The stories he told me got me interested in WW2 and all things military. I read Audie Murphy’s autobiography, To Hell and Back, when I was 12. It’s the amazing true story of a boy who grew up poor and had to hunt rabbits to keep his siblings fed. Later, he lied about his age to join the Army when he was 16 after being rejected by the Marines and paratroopers. He won every medal for bravery the Army gives. His greatest feat was fighting off a charge of six German tanks reinforced with 150 infantry. He called in artillery after ordering his own men to fall back, and then he jumped on a burning tank and used its machine gun to repulse the surviving enemy. Stories like these were my inspiration for joining the Army.
Another important part of my education was reading the Bible. You’d be surprised how much there is in there about strategy and unconventional warfare. My favorite story in that regard concerns the origin of the term shibboleth, which today is a synonym for password. There was a battle between the Israelites and another tribe, and in the aftermath, a soldier came up out of a river and begged for help. The Israelite guard asked him to say “shibboleth” and when the soldier said “sibboleth”, the guard killed him because he knew from his pronunciation he was not an Israelite. In the story of Jericho, Joshua sends two scouts into the city to recon the defenses. They are pulled up into a window by a woman named Rahab who asks that they spare her and her family in exchange for helping the Israelites. And lastly, there is the story of Gideon, who despite a cowardly reputation led an army of 350 against 100,000 Assyrians and won. His secret was having his troops light the enemy tents on fire while smashing clay jars and blowing trumpets. I knew there was an element of truth to this story because later I read about how the great commander Hannibal won a naval battle by using catapults to launch clay jars full of snakes onto enemy ships. When the jars hit the decks, they broke open, released the snakes, and panicked the crews, thus disabling the ships.
As a kid and teen, I spent a lot of time alone in the woods. I wanted to toughen myself so I could be a great soldier and figured that was the best way to do it. When I wasn’t outside, I was reading. Most people can read about 250 words per minute, which is the same as 15,000 words per hour. If you read an hour per day every day for 10 years, that’s almost 55 million words. For comparison, the current edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica is 44 million words in all. In fact, reading just an hour per day every day for ten years gives you enough time to read the Bible, War and Peace, and the complete works of Shakespeare with another 52 million words to spare.
I mostly studied military history, but I read just about everything I could get my hands on. West Virginia is a good place to learn how to shoot so I did a lot of that too. It took a lot of practice to get good at it. The mistake most beginners make is anticipating the recoil which makes them flinch. Until you can suppress that reflex, it doesn’t matter how much you practice aiming. I was never a great marksman much in the way that the Red Baron by his own admission wasn’t much of a pilot. His strategy was to fly out of the sun or a cloud and attack at close range. He was sort of the human form of an ambush predator, like a trapdoor spider or a crocodile. Every living thing has tactics and a strategy for survival and reproduction.
Nature is itself a kind of intense, never-ending war. The subtitle for The Origin of Species is “The Preservation of Favored Races in the Struggle for Life”. At the end of the book, Darwin writes that from the war of nature, famine, and death, higher and more complex animals are evolved. In my opinion, anyone who neglects the study of natural history is not truly educated. My love and study of nature would have many practical applications later when I was trying to stay alive in the jungles of Vietnam.
“In fact, reading just an hour per day every day for ten years gives you enough time to read the Bible, War and Peace, and the complete works of Shakespeare with another 52 million words to spare.”
Then I must have AHAD or something.
Face it. You prefer movies.
Except tomorrow night, the Giants are playing. Although I think Thursday night football is bullshit.
WTF was I thinking. Today is Monday.
Happens to me too.
Isn’t there a story in the BIble where some Israelis women are in a town being besieged, and the women go out and fuck the opposing soldiers while using it as a chance to poison the leading general?
***
The Bible story of the tent peg through the head is found in Judges 4 and 51. It tells how Jael, the wife of Heber, killed Sisera, the commander of the Canaanite army, who had oppressed the Israelites for twenty years. Sisera fled to Jael’s tent after losing a battle against the Israelite leader Barak. Jael gave him shelter and milk, but when he fell asleep, she drove a tent peg through his temple and down into the ground, and he died.
***
And when you train your sons to seek a Godly woman, being able to drive a tentpeg through a tyrant’s head when appropriate is one of the by-the-book characteristics.
I need to teach my girls how to do that.
I’m to the point where I hope to see the Steelers humiliated just so they fire Mike Tomlin.
I don’t know what that makes me. But being trapped in mediocrity is the worst place to be as a sports fan. They will never win anything of value again with him at the helm. Most overrated coach in professional sports.
He was pretty good on House.
It could be worse than being a Steelers fan, obviously. You could be a fan of the team that invested $250 million guaranteed in Deshaun Watson…
“I read about how the great commander Hannibal won a naval battle by using catapults to launch clay jars full of snakes onto enemy ships. When the jars hit the decks, they broke open, released the snakes, and panicked the crews, thus disabling the ships.”
I love it when a plan comes together.
Get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking ship!
Hanno means friend in Phoenician, the language of the Carthaginians. Hannibal is short for Hanno Baal, meaning friend of the lord. In Hebrew, Beel, means lord, as in Beelzebub, lord of the flies.
A pope had a pet elephant named Hanno which got constipated. The pope fed the elephant gold in an attempt to cure the affliction.
One defense used by small oceangoing craft if they’re in jurisdictions (think some of the Caribbean) where they can’t really have firearms onboard is to have a bunch of glass mayonnaise jars full of gasoline.
If somebody’s pulling up and fixing to pirate you, the plan is to chuck a few out to burst on your attacker’s vessel and threaten to fire your flare gun.
While I was in the Army, I did not experience any combat, though I have been in a number of dangerous situations in the US and overseas. I drew on those experiences in part to write this book.
You got caught between Gen. Halftrack and his buxom secretary?
Fun fact: General Schwarzkopf of Desert Storm is the son of a general, and that guy looks like General Halftrack:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norman_Schwarzkopf_Sr.#/media/File:Herbert_Norman_Schwarzkopf.jpg
That’s a face that needs a pipe.
Funner fact: NJSP’s nazi uniform was the work of Schwarzkopf Sr.
I saw a message, I think from Tonio, requesting more content, so that’s why I submitted this post. It’s my first foray into long fiction, and the whole thing is about 40,000 words long. Based on the installments Animal posts, I decided to divide into sections of about 1,000 words each.
Also, a satire idea:
Trump Dresses as Ham Sandwich for Halloween
“I’d indict that for a dollar!”
If you have to spend 15 minutes reviewing the spot of a ball like this, it’s a play that shouldn’t be overturned.
Amen.
Interesting Derpy, looking forward to more
You can find more here: https://platedlizard.blogspot.com/
I wrote a western today. It’s a mash-up of Blood Meridian and a famous book with talking animals.
So, Judge Holden the Pig
“what could be more noble than pigs in shit
young pigs love it and old pigs love it in them.”
Gunner Olszewski. I joked he was a Patriot plant when he first joined the team and cost them the game against the Pats last year. The guy has been a complete embarrassment since signing.
Mike Tomlin said he was glad to have him with Diontae Johnson getting injured. Because Mike fucking Tomlin.
I would like to leverage your high football IQ again:
Does Edelman make the Hall?
Midrange regular season numbers, second only to Rice for postseason receptions and yards, Super Bowl MVP.
Short answer: yes. Longer answer: yes, because he invited Meyers Leonard over for Shabbat dinner.
I don’t think Edelman gets in. There is an extreme backlog at WR and I don’t think you could even argue that Edelman was ever even a top 10 WR in his prime.
His playoff resume is more volume and there aren’t really any dominant wow moments that a guy like Lynn Swann had. His MVP came in a game that he got it by default. If he gets in, it’s going to be a wait like Art Monk had. And Edelman is going to face the issue that he wasn’t even the best guy to play with Brady in that role. The playoff resume is nice, but Welker was considered the better player doing pretty much the same things.
I’m also just going to say that Edelman is a small white guy playing WR with Tom Brady. People are going to discount what he did as much as they can.
Hines Ward was considered a better player than Edelman, has a Super Bowl MVP, had better playoff numbers than contemporary dominant flashy guys like Owens and Moss. He won’t get in, either.
Thanks much – I love Jules but I’m biased; I still figured it’d be via the veteran’s committee (?) if at all.
The Welker thing is interesting; I think of Wes starting a trend – the slot receiver who just kills you 6 yards at a time – but Edelman took it to the next level. Welker lost the job to Edelman while Wes still had gas in the tank but, of course, there’s salary cap considerations at play there too.
Thanks again.
Welker’s years in NE were defined by relative failure so I’d imagine most NE fans remember Edelman more fondly.
The general public considered Welker an All-Pro type talent. Edelman never even made a Pro Bowl.
If I were personally building a team, I’ll take the guy who always seemed to show up in big moments. I compared Edelman to Hines Ward which is a high compliment from me. Both were clutch motherfuckers who were undervalued because they weren’t physical specimens. Edelman had a mental toughness I don’t think Welker possessed. The defining moment of his career is dropping that pass against the Giants. That’s a catch Edelman makes.
Lots of guys get in decades after the fact. I barely count that.
Belichick watching a rookie Edelman run back a kickoff and asking an injured Welcker on the sideline “do you know who Wally Pipp was?” is just brutal.
The defining moment of his career is dropping that pass against the Giants. That’s a catch Edelman makes.
Nobody makes that catch because it was a poorly thrown ball. Welker was wide open on the play, so no reason not to hit him in the numbers. And Welker turned inside, clearly expecting the ball there, while Brady threw to his outside shoulder. Welker had to turn 270 degrees just to put his fingers on the ball. The fault there was Brady’s.
https://youtu.be/oz–6tGukuw?si=q9UnnN9MUriV1hwY
Sad.
Nice first episode!
Nature is itself a kind of intense, never-ending war.
Truth.
My latest rejection letter. They keep getting nicer.
***
Dear Thomas,
Thank you so much for writing me regarding MATH STEP BY STEP. I like your book idea and I think it has potential. I wish I could pursue representation, but unfortunately the large publishers with whom I work require a more fully-developed platform.
I encourage you to continue building. It isn’t about promoting yourself, but about serving others and meeting real needs, about connecting with your target reader. I would advise taking another year or so to share your message and serve others while building your social media numbers, at which time you could have a shot at a major publisher.
You could also choose to go with a smaller publisher that requires neither an agent nor large platform numbers. A great place to search is QueryTracker or Manuscript Wishlist.
I wish you the best in your writing journey.
Blessings,
Rachelle
Rachelle Gardner, Literary Agent & Founder
Gardner Literary Agency
gardner-literary.com
***
Yeah, I found her through QueryTracker and MSWL. It’s all good. I only decided 2 months ago to be a full-time writer.
That seems like more than a form letter. Maybe it’s good advice?
I think it is. Regardless, I will continue to write at least 1,000 words of fiction per day. My next story is called Malice Through the Cooking Class.
Greetings from a hotel! Just in time to 2nd half oval ball.
How did your travel day go?
So beat. I’m too old for this shit.
Did you… how do I ask this?… drive a car?
Fuck no.
You spent the day on a bus? Jesus, no wonder you’re wiped out.
Ha no. Most of the day finishing up packing and helping the movers and/or getting out of their way. Four hours on the bus.
Also, insert Danny Glover gif here
Check out Snake Plissken over here!
Congrats on the escape.
😎
Sadly I have to return in a few weeks to wrap it up.
Man, I’d love one of those.
My wife would eventually shank me, but totally worth it.
God being a Browns fan…
My Scoutmaster was a B17 ball turret gunner and most of the active dads were Korea or Vietnam vets. Plus, we had three Scouts in my Troop whose fathers were PW’s in Hanoi. The Troop was not “woke” in any way or form. Monthly camping trips and night games of capture the flag sans flashlights.
One month I was feeling lazy so I went and purchased C-Rations for my Patrol for dinner. Scoutmaster was not amused since we were supposed to learn camp cooking, One of the dads said, “Just make them eat the C’s. It won’t happen again.” He was right, I didn’t do that again. He was wrong because goddamn I like the scrambled eggs with ham C-Ration. I would later grab them when I was in the Army.
I got so used to eating DFAC scrambled eggs that the freshly made kind tasted weird for a while. DLI had good food and it was even better at Goodfellow AFB.
I don’t know how a player could actually respect Mike Tomlin. They sit there and all talk about how honest he is. No bullshit with him.
This is a guy who has trotted out bums like Najee Harris and Devin Bush because draft status while both sucked it up. Devin Bush was an embarrassment who literally avoided contact as a Steelers ILB. And it wasn’t like he covered or ran well post-injury. But Mike Tomlin knew his godfather and Dad…And Najee Harris could be his son, in shades of Obama. Who cares that he’s slower than molasses and still likes to run sideways and act like he’s a scatback still running the football at Alabama against college players.
Both guys were outplayed and out hustled by UDFA’s, and both guys will be given the full length of their rookie contracts to start and suck.
Is it me, or is this Steelers game taking forever?
The first half took 2 hours. 3.75 hours of pure Tomlin slop served up to the entire nation.
Ugh 3.5 hours seems par for the course these days.
Whatever the question is, the current Steelers QB is not the answer.
Double handful of jersey on that non-call.
I was remiss in writing: I liked this Derpy!
One nit:
“ …the term shibboleth, which today is a synonym for password…”
I’ve not heard “shibboleth” used as such – insider phrase, maybe. Like Palin dropping “… a servant’s heart…” during her VP nomination speech.
IFF? Safeword?
***
Identification, friend or foe (IFF) is an identification system designed for command and control. It uses a transponder that listens for an interrogation signal and then sends a response that identifies the broadcaster. IFF systems usually use radar frequencies, but other electromagnetic frequencies, radio or infrared, may be used.[1] It enables military and civilian air traffic control interrogation systems to identify aircraft, vehicles or forces as friendly, as opposed to neutral or hostile, and to determine their bearing and range from the interrogator. IFF is used by both military and civilian aircraft. IFF was first developed during World War II, with the arrival of radar, and several friendly fire incidents.
***
Derpy!
Thanks for this . I like your style.
You might want to consider participating in NaNoWriMo (pronounced nano rhy moh), the National Novel Writing Month.
It’s every November, free, no penalty for tapping out. Just tons of resources and an online community of aspiring writers. Goal is just to WRITE a lot. Fret and edit later.
https://nanowrimo.org/
Time to make the donuts. 😒🍩
Mornin’
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1Hl_NBTMELo
🎶🎶
You have to make donughts for your office?
Good morning, Sean, U, Beau, Derpy, and hayek (if the last two are still awake.)
Live and direct from Silver City, MI, on the Superior shore and alongside the Porcupine Mountains. Pro tip: Always spring for lake view.
How’s things?
Great, thanks! Enjoying beautiful scenery and wonderful (::knock wood::) weather. Also just realized this trip will make my boss happy, as it will probably postpone my retirement for several years.
How are you?
I suppose I’m all right.
Hope you make it all the way up to good.
I have to remember what I’m supposed to be doing at work, but can barely muster the motivation.
That sounds lovely, but you should get home soon. You wouldn’t want to get stuck in the Porcupine Mountains.
😆
Good morning, ‘patzie! Ackshually, could do worse than to get stuck in the Porkies. Visited Lake of the Clouds yesterday – gorgeous view, albeit rugged terrain to get there.
⛅️⛅️⛅️
I already made the donuts!
Good morning all!
Today, The Killers.
Human
Spaceman
Share and enjoy!
Turns out there was a Planet of the Apes musical, sort of.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5jQYOcpVks
Also, I should have gone to sleep hours ago.
https://youtu.be/JlmzUEQxOvA?si=_JmPuToj4YT-kLI3
Mornin’, reprobates!
Derpy – if you’re still awake, good one! Apropos of nothing, WV is on the short list of potential destinations if we ever get around to leaving the “Garden State”.
Watched the opening arguments for the M114 trial. Depressing. Every word out of the state’s attorney was a lie. Even more depressing was despite having armies of lawyers on payroll, the state hired an outside law firm to do their work. Further depressing was the attorney’s c.v. Another out of state import grad from Hahvahd Law and an east coast school.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
https://nypost.com/2023/09/18/how-to-avoid-the-coming-tripledemic-according-to-the-cdc/
“The prevailing notion had been that COVID, flu and RSV ruled our lives,” Dr. Nirav Shah, principal deputy director of the CDC, told CBS News.
You mean COVID provided cover for the CDC to rule our lives. Got it.
And this year’s flu vaccine appears to be highly effective at controlling this season’s influenza virus.
Evidence?
“Urging people to get boosters has really only worked for Democrats, college graduates and people making over $90,000 a year,” Dr. Gregg Gonsalves, an epidemiologist at Yale University, told PBS NewsHour.
Goddamn deplorables won’t do as they’re told.
“But I repeat myself…”
I’m a college graduate making over 90k/yr, but I’ve managed to defy the propaganda and avoid the clot shot.
Admittedly I am not and never have been a Democrat.
Show us your MAGA hat.
I don’t own one.
I wear a Gibsons hat these days.
In case you missed the story for it being too local, Here’s the Schadenfreude follow-up
Why the hell would anyone risk myocarditis, and who knows what possible long-term effects, to maybe lessen the effects of what is now just a cold?
It’s an article of faith that those claims are all made up by deplorable anti-science anti-vaxxers.
Except anyone can look up the actual data on VAERS to see the effects for themselves, and also look up the fact that the shots do not prevent infection, do not prevent illness, and do not prevent transmission.
It’s just willful ignorance in service of social signaling.
On average, Zero people know what VAERS is, and even less will do research for themselves.