Biden Takes Credit for Grand Canyon

by | Oct 2, 2023 | Satire | 123 comments

At a speech in Flagstaff, Arizona, President Biden claimed he dug the Grand Canyon with a spoon. “There I was folks, with Paul Bunyan. Not a joke! And I beat that lying dog-faced pony soldier in an arm-wrestling match. And Paul Bunyan told me, ‘OK Joe, you beat me fair and square. Now take this spoon and go dig the Grand Canyon.’ Think about it. One guy digging that big canyon with just a spoon. But I did it. I might be Irish, but I’m not stupid, and you can ask anyone in Scranton. My friendship with Paul Bunyan began in Delaware. Babe the Big Blue Ox was the new student at my school, which was in the only Black-Irish-Jewish-Italian-Puerto Rican- Martian-Chinese-Bovine neighborhood.  Babe had trouble fitting in, but I was sure to pick him first at recess for our kickball team. And I remember the big smile on Babe’s face that day when I picked him first. We won the game and Babe came up to me after and said, ‘Hey Joe, I want you to meet my friend Paul Bunyan who’s been planting apple trees out west with Pecos Bill.’

Well, before I could do that, I had to fight off John Henry who was a friend of Corn Pop. Now John Henry was a steel-driving man, and I’m just middle-class Joe, so what chance do I have? But then Pecos Bill shows up and hands me his magic lasso. And I lassoed that rascal John Henry and chucked him right over the Pacific, and when landed he crushed some damn Chinaman’s head, and that stopped the Germans from bombing Pearl Harbor. And that’s my word as a Biden.”

When asked about his knowledge of his son’s overseas business dealings, President Biden pulled out a harmonica and began to play the St James Infirmary Blues, which he later claimed to have written with his good friend Mr. T.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

123 Comments

  1. Sean

    Lol

  2. cyto

    “Who puts gum on a roof!?! Oh, sticky menace!!”

    – Warburton iteration

    • cyto

      “Hmmmm… You are here.

      Well old chum… being here is a lot like being lost.”

      – cartoon iteration

      • Derpetologist

        So many classic lines from that series. I liked the COPS parody a lot.

        ***
        Well, folks, there you have it. A day in the life of a superhero and his sidekick. It’s a very long day, the tights are uncomfortable; I think we covered that before. Map light, convenient and essential. A lot of working of villain motifs. Crime has a Bossa Nova beat. Leap before you look. Remember denouement. Other French words: inconvenient, nonessential… oh… I could go on and on… But time’s a-wasting and evil’s out there making hand-crafted mischief for the swap meet of villainy. And you can’t strike a good deal with evil. No matter how much you haggle. We don’t need to look for a bargain; goodness is cheap because it’s free, and free is as cheap as it gets. Cut. What was that pig about?
        ***

        Many thanks to whomever picked the post illustration, and not just for the spoon reference. Biden sort of is like a corrupt, impotent version of The Tick.

      • cyto

        I like Arthur’s battle cry. I identify strongly with the sentiment.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Not in the Face!

        Best Spin-off? Man Eating Cow.

    • Suthenboy

      “”This decision is the culmination of a careful review of various factors….”
      No, it isn’t.

    • rhywun

      No.

    • creech

      But he doesn’t post mean tweets.

      • juris imprudent

        Give the man a break – he lost his thumbs in trench warfare in WWI.

      • Derpetologist

        ‘Member all those relieved comments after the 2020 election that finally, the adults would be in charge again? I ‘member…

        Take it away, CNN:

        ***
        President Joe Biden had one single and simple goal at his press conference in the wake of his summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Geneva: Project absolute and utter normality.

        Did Biden engage in any threats? No, he said.

        Was there hyperbole on either side? No, he said.

        Did Biden revisit his past comment that Putin was a “killer?” No comment, Biden said.

        “I did what I came to do,” Biden offered at one point, a succinct, if vague, assertion of success.

        While Biden didn’t seek to fully explain what it was he came to do, the evidence was everywhere in his answers: Make clear that the traveling circus of the Trump presidency was over – and that the adults were back in charge.

        (Biden’s cool demeanor broke only once – under questioning from CNN’s Kaitlan Collins about whether the President truly expected Putin to change his behavior. “I’m not confident he’ll change his behavior,” Biden replied testily. “Where the hell – what do you do all the time. When did I say I was confident?” He later apologized to Collins, saying he “shouldn’t have been such a wise guy.”)
        ***

        Hear that? The traveling circus is over! Calloo Callay! We have normality! Anything you still can’t deal with is therefore your own problem!

    • Fourscore

      Joe had help with the Grand Canyon, me and some of the boys from the union hall helped ’cause we were on strike from our regular low paying jobs

    • MikeS

      You nailed it.

      Favorite line:

      …and when [he] landed he crushed some damn Chinaman’s head…

      I could totally hear Joe saying that. In China.

      • Derpetologist

        Biden Calls China’s Economy a ‘Ticking Time Bomb’

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogt-WgEndsc

        ***
        President Joe Biden blasted China’s economic problems as a “ticking time bomb” and referred to Communist Party leaders as “bad folks.” This as the White House says it’s trying to improve ties with Beijing. Biden also made several comments about China that were not true. Bloomberg’s Kailey Leinz reports.
        ***

        Good god, the reality is even worse. By all means, Middle Class Joe. Antagonize our main geopolitical rival while we are mired in a proxy war and can’t get enough military recruits or uniforms.

        ***
        Marine Corps service members are facing a shortage of camouflage uniforms, leading to the authorization of wearing alternate uniforms. The shortage, caused by ongoing manufacturing issues exacerbated by the COVID-19 pandemic, is expected to persist until the fall of 2024.
        ***

  3. Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

    Someone brought up Alphaville’s Big In Japan, and it jogged a memory; my college era boss at the pizza joint played in a metal band that was… you guessed! Big in Japan. And, I wondered, is anything by them on UTube? Why, yes, there is! So, for you fans of old school metal, I present Intrinsic!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EB6ZtFYD74g

    • rhywun

      Literally everything is on Youtube now.

      There was obscure stuff I sought for years – eventually, yup, it made it on to Youtube.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        I know! I have found concerts that I was at in the late ninties, my old boss’s album (see above) and all sorts of other crap. Now I am gonna go down a rabbit hole and see if my first room mates band is on there.

  4. Brochettaward

    No one who has tasted a First has ever gotten sober again.

    • juris imprudent

      Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son.

      • cyto

        The population of my local Walmart would beg to differ…

  5. Common Tater

    So how many penalties so far? I’ve lost count.

    • juris imprudent

      Did the Browns let down OMWC? Or is he still incommunicado?

      • Mojeaux

        No, but they let down Nephilium. OMWC was likely cawing.

      • MikeS

        Have we heard from Neph? Did they kill each other?

      • Chafed

        My money is on Neph.

  6. cyto

    Trying to watch Ashoka on D+.

    Having a hard time. Boring!

    Which is a callback to yesterday’s discussion about storytellers. Even an interesting subject matter can make for a dull story if badly told.

    • Brochettaward

      By week 2 Ashoka was being beaten out in the ratings by Amazon’s The Wheel Of Time.

      Star Wars is dead. But Ashoka did win some propaganda award for its female-centric storytelling.

    • Brochettaward

      Also, when you look at the writing credits of the people being put in charge of these major projects, it’s a joke. Same thing with the directors. They are (not my original thought here) being cast rather than hired for any vision or talent they may have.

      I think Hollywood me-too’ed the few people remaining with actual talent and brains.

      • cyto

        Case in point: She Hulk. They visit the writer’s room in the show and had to hire a couple of male actors to play writers so it wouldn’t look so bad.

      • Mojeaux

        Someone (a Glib) said something about the writers being young and not having enough life experience, especially outside their little bubble, to write anything remotely mature and/or not short-sighted and narrow in scope.

      • cyto

        Being directly out of college would also explain the obsession with insertion of woke iconography. My neice is brilliant and was otherwise fairly based before hitting the elite liberal college and grad school. She’s still fairly well infested… the reinforcement of the language and ideas changes both what they think about and how they think. It changes what makes “funny” and what “heroic” looks like.

        She went to college a Dr. Who fan… and because she was in the middle of the indoctrination factory, she doesn’t understand that there was anything wrong with the last couple of seasons. She surely would have written something similar.

        “Oooh, I know! We remake Bonanza! Only all of the Cartwrights are lesbians! Except the dad is Trans!!” – today’s writer’s room.

  7. Brochettaward

    They are updating Bambi for modern audiences It will be “live-action” or rather shitty CGI. The writer whose biggest past projects were the godawful Pet Sematary remake is already being quoted in the media saying dumb shit about updating it for kids these days. First thing to go? Removing the death of Bambi’s mother.

    Maybe they’ll finally make something for the furies. Furies are some of the most ardent leftists you’ll ever come across, but are basically abandoned by the left to be called freaks. Pedophiles (I’m aware membership in these groups isn’t mutually exclusive) get more love from progressives than the guy who considers himself a transqueer lycan. They both push the button for the Dem just the same!

    • Derpetologist

      I dare say there’s something healthy about the nerfed way Disney introduced the concept of death (parental death even) to so many children. Few other cartoons portray or even imply death.

      • Mojeaux

        I saw Bambi at a drive-in theater when I was maybe … 5? I think? Not sure. ANYWAY, the fire and the death of Bambi’s mother didn’t do anything to me at all. Either I already understood that’s the way stories go, I’d been to one too many funerals by that time, or I’m just a cold, heartless bitch and it manifested early.

      • R.J.

        “Mom! That’s a T31.6, at least!”

      • Mojeaux

        I’mma forget I ever took that course.

      • Chafed

        Lol

    • MikeS

      IIRC, Bambi is overflowing with toxic masculinity. I’m surprised they didn’t neuter it sooner.

      • Derpetologist

        A Fawn Named Bambi…that could be the next A Boy Named Sue.

      • MikeS

        “Cuz I’m the dirty buck that named you Sue”

      • Mojeaux

        The book is, yes.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        “Maaaarv!”

  8. MikeS

    The Wall Street Journal put on their webpage one of those little mini-section areas entitled: TAYLOR SWIFT AND THE NFL. There’s only two stories under it, but good grief.

    • rhywun

      Why are the circuses so freaking stupid?

      • MikeS

        WE STRONGLY RECOMMEND THAT ALL OUR SPECTATOR WEAR A MASK TO THE SHOW.

        Lower down the page…

        No costumes or mask allowed!

      • MikeS

        Missing context; the first comment is in their covid policy statement.

      • rhywun

        Strongly recommend this *insert middle finger emoji*.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        How do you like the bread?

      • rhywun

        There is a local-ish bread here that is super yummy.

  9. Brochettaward

    The sports media are asshole example infinity:

    Bill Belichick suffered his worst loss ever on Sunday. It couldn’t have happened in a worse possible year.

    Patriots owner Robert Kraft, in significant comments that went largely overlooked in March, created the distinct impression that Belichick’s ability to chase and catch Don Shula’s all-time win record hinged on winning enough games to make the team competitive in the short term.

    “You guys have posted a losing record two of the last three seasons . . . if that happens again, could Bill [Belichick’s] job be in jeopardy, or is he here to break Don Shula’s all-time wins record and beyond?” Kraft was asked at the league meetings.

    “Look, I’d like him to break Don Shula’s record,” Kraft replied, “but I’m not looking for any our players to get great stats. We’re about winning, and doing whatever we can to win. And that’s what our focus is now. And I — it’s very important to me that we make the playoffs, and that’s what I hope happens next year.”

    The answer was not, “Bill Belichick has won six Super Bowls. He will coach this team as long as he wishes.” No, on the subject of the specific stat of wins, Kraft made it clear that the team needs plenty of those wins now. As in enough wins to get to the playoffs. Now.

    Sunday’s loss dropped the Patriots to 1-3. They’ve been 1-3 for three straight years. They were blown off the field by the Cowboys. Also, there’s a very real rivalry between Cowboys owner Jerry Jones (who has a Hall of Fame jacket and bust) and Kraft (who has neither). Jones now holds bragging rights for at least two years, likely four.

    Currently, the Krafts are not keeping up with the Joneses. The gap between the quality of the teams is enormous, and everyone saw it last night, as the appetizer to the Taylor Swift game.

    In late June, Kraft made it clear that he would get satisfaction from only one thing: “Number 7.” At this rate, they won’t even get seven wins. At this rate, a “mutual parting” between the Patriots and Belichick feels like it is in the offing.

    Really, what else can Kraft do but to start over? Belichick has had four seasons post-Brady. Belichick has been to the playoffs once without Tom Brady. Last year was a disaster. This year is shaping up to be another one.

    It’s unprecedented territory for any NFL owner. No coach has gone from being so great to so mediocre. But that’s where the Patriots are. And no one cares much about championships that are now at least a half of a decade into the rear-view mirror.

    As Jerry Glanville once said, the NFL means “not for long” — if you’re not succeeding. Belichick currently is not succeeding. His past success only makes his present struggles more glaring.

    This same asshole regularly talks up Tomlin and picked them for the postseason this year. He put Tomlin ahead of Belichick in his coaching rankings and at like #2 in the league. Florio routinely insults Steelers fans who dare to question the greatness of Tomlin because the guy can get your 6-11 squad to 8-9. Forget the fact that he’ll take your 11-6 team and make them 9-8.

    Belichick has won a Super Bowl more recently than Tomlin has a playoff game.

    Kraft may fire Belichick, but Florio’s chest beating that Belichick is looking bad is comical. And yes, the difference here is Belichick is a curmudgeonly old white guy whereas Mike Tomlin is a relatively younger black guy.

    • Mojeaux

      My husband and I were talking about this last week. She didn’t do anything on/around/with school property or students. Hell, she wasn’t even adulterating. I want to know who was looking at her OnlyFans and why.

      Also, this is an even more egregious overstep.

      Leave people alone to do and say their own shit in their own time. Nobody got hurt here.

      • cyto

        Amen, sister.

      • Chafed

        Amen to the amen.

      • Suthenboy

        “who was looking at her OnlyFans and why.”
        She shouldn’t have worn such a short skirt. Look what she made them do!

        This kind of puritanism is not restricted to other cultures. It is a repellant part of human nature and we haver plenty of our own.
        This isn’t about what she did, it is about how it made them feel and when they saw themselves in a mirror they didn’t like what they saw. Rather than face that they blame her. It is disgusting cowardice is what it is.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Minneapolis cop is making money on Only Fans

  10. rhywun

    Guys, Jimmy Kimmel is back!

    Our national nightmare is over.

    • MikeS

      Excellent! Now I can continue my consecutive-episodes-of-Jimmy-Kimmel-not-watched streak.

    • Mojeaux

      LOL I saw the commercial for it and saw the beard and thought, “What’s he on about?” I totally forgot about the writer’s strike.

      • Chafed

        #MeToo

  11. Mojeaux

    Derpy! I have totally missed your articles. I’m so happy you’re back.

    • MikeS

      #metoo

    • Derpetologist

      Pimpin’ ain’t easy. That was the working title of my autobiography which will be posted in full on this site.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1plPyJdXKIY

      I first heard the song linked above at pool hall in Wichita Falls, TX. I was playing pool by myself because I was tired of hanging out in my apartment.

      • Mojeaux

        That song brought Michael McDonald to a whole new generation.

      • slumbrew

        Ah, the “heavy sample” era of hip hop.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        That joint is sooooo L.A.

  12. rhywun

    LOL even Buck and that other guy are bored of this game. “Is it over yet?”

    • slumbrew

      Smaller spread, but this game was worse than the Pats / Cowboys.

      • cyto

        It did have a few moments. That 3rd down conversion that tiptoed 52 yards up the sideline and the pick six….

        But when one team didn’t come to fight….. no drama… so boring

    • dbleagle

      On the Manning version of the game, they are openly calling for run plays and staying away from the sidelines so “We can end this and get out of here.”

      • dbleagle

        Worse than even the 49ers/Cards game.

        Just wait until next week Packers at Raiders has every chance of being horrible MNF as well.

    • Chafed

      I think someone is going to get spanked off air by corporate. That was petty ballsy to say.

      • Brochettaward

        I guess I don’t find it that endearing when commentators who are making absurd amounts of money to add nothing to a broadcast talk about how bored they are.

      • Chafed

        I took it as them commiserating with the audience.

  13. Chafed

    Jeebus Derpe that could have been real. In a few months he may stumble off script and say it.

    • slumbrew

      That assumes a bankruptcy judge that isn’t wholly on their side, no?

      • Chafed

        I won’t say that can’t happen but, IMO, that’s unlikely.

  14. Brochettaward

    I’m personally very excited to see The Acolyte. Well, not to watch it, but for the fodder it will provide on Youtube. It seems like a real gem.

    People used to make jokes about art films made for obscure niches. Now major studios think it’s a great idea to take their million dollar/hundred million dollar projects and make them from the queer perspective. Why the fuck not, right?

      • Brochettaward

        I look forward to Screen Rant trying to sell the lesbian arthouse version of Star Wars to the max.

    • cyto

      I coincidentally made a joke about today’s Hollywood writing above. We have a lot of good writers here at Glibs. We should do a team-up to pitch a project to Hollywood. We’ll have to write under pseudonyms, but this new obsession might be an exploitable hack.

      Possible project ideas:

      Charlie’s Angels – The story of 3 beautiful Trans detectives on a team run by an ageing lesbian business mogul.

      M.A.S.H – The story of a heroic medic unit serving in Ukraine. The elite female and gay doctors are passionate about saving their soldier patients – and use the tragedy of their injuries to promote support of the war.

      The Brady Bunch – The wholesome story of two women who leave their husbands for each other. They work together to help their 6 children struggle with their sexuality, managing the transition of their three sons and the highjinks of their two genderqueer daughters.

      • Brochettaward

        I love the MASH reboot, but you need to make sure that when its pitched at least half the perspective cast are BIPOC’s.

  15. cyto

    Clearly. Unstated was the casting of only one singular straight white male – Major Charles Emerson Winchester, the pompous oaf and foil for the elite doctor protagonists will remain straight and white and rich… but will be a far-right nazi libertarian who argues for peace, free speech and cowardly pushes for an exit from Ukraine.

  16. Beau Knott

    Good morning all!
    Today we have a couple of selections from a band who shortened their name.

    First, Clan of Xymox: Backdoor.

    Then, Xymox: Imagination.

    Share and enjoy!

    • rhywun

      #1 is my favorite track of theirs, well done.

      They went back to CoX a couple albums later.

      • Beau Knott

        Love the first one, but the second is my favorite. In part from the sentiment I suppose ;-\

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Beau, rhy, Sean, and Roat!

      So excited! Only working a half day today, then going up to lovely & talented Bellefontaine, OH, to a stop on the 50th anniversary/farewell tour of The Manhattan Transfer!!! 😃🥰🎶/utter musical nerd

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, U! How are you today?

      • UnCivilServant

        I overslept, though it is thankfully a remote day so I’m not late for work.

        I want to do anything other than the day job today, but have no good reason not to just do my job.

      • Gender Traitor

        We do the day job so we can do all the rest of our life afterward.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        In my five o’clock world she waaaits for meeee 🎵

      • Gender Traitor

        😊

  17. Rat on a train

    UN Security Council approves sending foreign forces to Haiti
    The money quote:

    Russia’s UN envoy Vassily Nebenzia criticized the move in remarks to the council, saying “that sending the armed forces of another state to any country even upon its request is an extreme measure that must be thoroughly thought through,” but noted “some positive elements” to the approved resolution.

    • rhywun

      Is there even anything to plunder there? Sheesh.

  18. Ghostpatzer

    Mornin’, reprobates!

    Yesterday’s (second) attempt at kidney stone removal appears to have been successful. Crossing my fingers, having a bit of unexpected pain in the general vicinity… irritation from the stent, most likely.

    GT, I am jealous. Enjoy the show!

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, ‘patzie! So very glad the stonectomy (?) went well! Hope it did the trick! And thanks – I’m sure I will!

    • R.J.

      Glad it’s out. May you stay free of then forever.

      • Ghostpatzer

        Thanks, RJ. This is not the right way to get stoned.

  19. Gender Traitor

    What’s the deal with videos on YT now being labeled “Official Visualizer”? Is the word “video” now verboten? 😕

    • UnCivilServant

      Never seen that. What dark corner of that cess pit have you been wading in?

      • Gender Traitor

        The Manhattan Transfer’s official YT channel, playing through their latest album (which I’d link, but so far, frankly, it’s a bit too “smooth” even for my taste.)

    • Ghostpatzer

      Hmm. I will check with some co-workers, if it’s advertising related they will know.

    • UnCivilServant

      Also, Fire the diversity officers, stop providing general staff with personal chefs, and don’t fund elective medical procedures like castrations.

    • AlexinCT

      That’s what the CCP ordered Biden to do: deplete the US military’s weapon arsenal.

      Whatever move China’s military does then, there is far less to shoot at them…