Cracky: Episode 2

by | Oct 11, 2023 | Cracky! | 129 comments

 

“Send me over there,” Hunter said lazily. “I’ll sort out the whole Israel stuff in like, I dunno, maybe three weeks.”

“You sure could, buddy,” Cracky said, slurring his words. Most of his mouth had been broken-off and smoked.

“занадто м’який,” the bottle-blonde muttered. She was his royalty check from Burisma for the last quarter of the year.

“Keep working, honey,” Hunter said, pushing her head back down, using the international language of whores. He smeared his spit-flecked half-hard penis across her face until she opened her mouth.

“Seriously,” Hunter said to Cracky. “I’d kick some fucking raghead ass.”

“You sure would, buddy! Like Rambo cleaning up New Jack City. Rata-tat-tat! Rata-tat!”

“I love you, Cracky. You always know what I need to hear.”

The prostitute spat out his flaccid penis and muttered, “Він божевільний.”

“You keep going until the mayo comes out,” Hunter said, smacking the side of her head.

“I love the way you keep whores in line, Hunter,” Cracky said.

“Lazy bitches,” Hunter yawned. “You don’t keep a firm hand and they get to thinking they are human beings.”

Cracky and Hunter laughed and laughed.

“But she’s right,” Hunter admitted. “The White House is really cramping my Hunter vibe. I can barely get it up, even for the supple pleasures of a professional’s windpipe.”

Cracky smiled and more of his mouth fell off.

“You’ve got quite a chunk taken out of you there,” Hunter said dreamily.

“Hunter?” Cracky asked shakily.

He pushed the prostitute off his penis and grabbed Cracky, running his finger thoughtfully along the broken mouthparts.

“I’m sorry, Cracky,” Hunter said.

“What do you mean, buddy?”

Hunter began to rub Cracky on his limp, spit-sticky penis. Cracky started crying quietly as Hunter penis skin drank vital cocaine nutrients directly from Cracky’s craggy surface.

“Hunter,” Cracky sobbed. “I never thought it would be like this.”

The bruise-eyed giftwhore watched hungrily.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

129 Comments

  1. kinnath

    It can always get worse

    • mikey

      Yes, yes it can.
      I’m not assure how, but it will.

  2. Sean

    giftwhore

    Huh.

    I don’t know if this episode is going to help sell merch or not…

    • juris imprudent

      the international language of whores

      Lighting the Winston’s Mom signal!

  3. Certified Public Asshat

    I’ll never forgive SF for what he has done to Cracky.

    • Fourscore

      Isn’t that what Cracky is for, to be used appropriately. I’m surprised Cracky is still around, must be helluva hunk.

      Always good on Wednesday pre-nooners, SF.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Isn’t that what Cracky is for, to be used appropriately.

        Hunter began to rub Cracky on his limp, spit-sticky penis.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Cracky is like a golem, adding and subtracting substance as needed.

        The difference is, instead of the hebrew word for “truth” to activate him, it mostly translates to the hebrew word for “hedonism”.

        The mouth is special because that’s where you keep the activation scroll.

  4. Spudalicious

    Alrighty then.

  5. The Late P Brooks

    “Hunter,” Cracky sobbed. “I never thought it would be like this.”

    They never do.

    They never do.

  6. The Bearded Hobbit

    Cracky and Hunter laughed and laughed.

    As did I!

  7. Tres Cool

    “…even for the supple pleasures of a professional’s windpipe.”

    My God.

    Author! Author!

  8. R.J.

    Fantastic! I love the new opening graphic too!

  9. MikeS

    😐

  10. juris imprudent

    So does he actually get Ukrainian pussy, or Russian. I wasn’t about to attempt a translation.

    • Sean

      Ukrainian pussy

      Per my search

      • kinnath

        I am unwilling to search for those phrases from my work computer.

      • Sean

        too soft

        He’s crazy

      • kinnath

        Thanks

      • PutridMeat

        And “I’m just trying to pay for law school” on the front page.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I know that about SugarFree, but what do the translations say… Dude!

      • juris imprudent

        search … from my work computer

        No doubt, I wasn’t even doing so from my home one.

      • Ownbestenemy

        No worries, the NSA will do that for you.

      • R.J.

        Dear Sean: I answered you on the dead thread, like a useless tit.

        Yes, tuners have improved. Might look for comments on that before buying a particular set just to be safe. I use a Roku TV (whole TV, not just a box) with an antenna I mentioned here when I wrote up about getting away from cable. Lots of useful info, even prior to purchase:

        https://www.glibertarians.com/2023/03/television-in-2023-part-one-over-the-air-channels/

      • Sean

        Thank you

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        If you use the sleep timer, Samsung remotes have a dedicated button in those I’ve seen. (I realize this was not your Q.)

      • Sean

        I generally do not use a sleep timer.

      • Nephilium

        I’ve had good luck with the Leaf antenna.

      • Drake

        I have an HD antenna on a TV. On the local stations, the picture is excellent.

  11. The Late P Brooks

    Celebrity deathmatch

    “I’m going to take my man RFK Jr., independent, and he can have, you know, Tony Fauci or some other pharmacrat and we can have a conversation about this,” Rodgers said, mentioning independent presidential candidate and anti-vaccine activist Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

    ——-

    Both Covid and flu shots are overwhelmingly safe and effective.

    Will NBC offer live coverage?

    • Rebel Scum

      Both Covid and flu shots are overwhelmingly safe and effective.

      Effective at causing covid infection, heart problems and death.

      • Fourscore

        Yeah, but besides that, will it shorten the length of the covid, death not withstanding.

    • Suthenboy

      I am not sure where to start with that. Ignore it? That seems to be the safest approach.

    • Gender Traitor

      Will NBC offer live coverage?

      Opening with Carrie Underwood singing, “I’ve been waitin’ all day for a retard fight.”

    • Homple

      I don’t know how they defines”safe” but it takes an imbecile to think that the shots are “effective”.

  12. EvilSheldon

    Speaking of giftwhores, did you ever hear the one about the guy who went to the doctor with a terrible tongue infection? The doctor asked him if he’d eaten anything different, changed brand of toothpaste, anything like that.

    The guy explained, “There is one thing. My birthday was last week, and my buddies took me out to a strip club and paid for one of the girls to show me a *really* good time, if you know what I mean…”

    The doctor replied, “Well, that’s the cause right there. Didn’t anyone ever tell you to never lick a gift whore in the mouse?”

    • thrakkorzog

      What you did there, it has been seen.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    She attended his Chiefs games on Sept. 24 and Oct. 1 , drawing many Swifites to football for the first time.

    And in the process the pair has increasingly become the target of conservative vitriol. For years, Swift has urged her young fans to register to vote.

    Hundreds of thousands of young Taylor Swift fans had never even heard of football, much less seen it played prior to her historic and groundbreaking visit to an NFL stadium. And they vote.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      “And in the process the pair has increasingly become the target of conservative vitriol.” Other than the Mr. Pfizer nickname, what vitriol? And is that even vitriolic?

      • thrakkorzog

        I mean I think he’s an idiot for dating a chick who’s brand is writing songs about her ex’s suck

        In six months there will be a #1 song about what an asshole he is and he will be stuck looking shocked .

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Considering he’s doing ads for Pfizer’s Covid shot, no.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    I am unwilling to search for those phrases from my work computer.

    “Please sir, I am lost. Would you escort me back to my hotel? I would be very grateful.”

  15. Tundra

    The bruise-eyed giftwhore watched hungrily.

    Wow.

    • PutridMeat

      Funny, sad, poignant… That’s some emotionally demanding writing right there.

  16. Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

    Gift Whore, or Bang Maid?

    • PutridMeat

      Is that you Ah-nold?

  17. Stinky Wizzleteats

    Cracky’s a cute little rascal. You really ought to be selling him on some merch.

    • R.J.

      I think there is some.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Gag Trump

    “If Donald Trump has shown anything to be true: It is he is willing to endanger witnesses, jurors, prosecutors, judges, their respective family members,” he added. “And he’s willing to urge his supporters to do all sorts of, let’s call them inappropriate things, to help him avoid and evade his responsibility for his crimes.”

    Muzzle him, for the sake of a fair and unbiased trial. We all know he’s guilty.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      You have the right to remain silent and be railroaded while prosecutors can say all kinds of crazy unethical horseshit that’s aimed at influencing public opinion.

    • The Other Kevin

      Reality just hit us in the face. And I’d venture a lot of people are now thinking how they’d rather have Trump in charge right now.

    • Fatty Bolger

      It is he is willing to endanger witnesses, jurors, prosecutors, judges, their respective family members,

      Sure, sure, he’s practically the Sicilian mafia in the 80’s, what with all the bloodshed.

    • Sean

      That’s awesome.

    • Suthenboy

      It’s common for third worlders to think of capacity in terms of space instead of weight.

      • UnCivilServant

        The boat wasn’t sinking, so it would have been possible to find a more stable position to float that thing.

      • Necron 99

        It was working quite well, until it wasn’t.

      • R C Dean

        – 1 design margin.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        It just need a deeper keel and/or more ballast.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Maybe a little more stable, but either way it was going to be way too top heavy.

    • PutridMeat

      You know, I’ve always sort of objected to labeling people or groups ‘terrorist’. It’s a shorthand way of dismissing their grievance without having to justify your actions or reasons for opposing them – ‘They’re terrorists! Of course we have to fight them’. To me, it would be better to actually justify why you are opposing them, why they must be defeated, why their goals are wrong and immoral, and why our blood and treasure should be spent on that effort. “Terrorist” just short circuits all that and, in the worst case, justifies your actions that may, in reality, be no different than theirs – you just have a uniform and backing of a State.

      • Raven Nation

        I remember some right-wing website back in the oughts, criticizing the naming of the War on Terror because “how can you make war on a noun.”

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, we’d been at war with Drugs for decades by that point, so we might have some clue (Narrator: we don’t)

      • Nephilium

        The War on Drugs and the War on Poverty (and now the War on Climate Change) are right there with them.

      • Fourscore

        But we won the War of Education

      • Fourscore

        Insert ON in there somewhere

      • Tundra

        Easy.

        War on drugs
        War on poverty
        War on cancer

        WAR!

      • Gender Traitor

        Someone was obviously going after another bowl of Cap’n Crunch during that episode of Schoolhouse Rock. 🙄

      • juris imprudent

        you just have a uniform and backing of a State

        You left out badges.

      • kinnath

        Terrorist is a valid term for for group of people trying to change the political system by attacking the civilian population and causing widespread “terror”. Terrorists are distinct from armies and armed militias that target military and government assets to try to defeat that government.

        People off all political strips have devalued that term by calling anyone that has a different political viewpoint a “terrorist”.

        Any euphemism use to replace “terrorist” is counterproductive because it always winds up legitimizing the terrorists.

        The correct answer is to torment anyone that uses “terrorist” in the wrong way.

        As someone that grew up with terrorism in the 60s, 70s, and 80s, I will not give up that word.

      • PutridMeat

        I get the distinction and maybe People off all political strips have devalued that term by calling anyone that has a different political viewpoint a “terrorist”. is why I bristle against it.

        However, there’s also something I can’t really articulate that balks at that. Firebombing German cities and Tokyo – military target? Military goal? Sure to some degree. But also a bit of make war totally unpalatable for the other country and you win. There doesn’t seem to be a clear distinct line between terror induced by military operations that will manifestly have severe civilian impact vs actions targeted a civilians that will likely also have a military impact. Combined with the fact that the rules of war we will tolerate, just by happenstance, give us with our organized, state backed military a nearly insurmountable advantage against any opposition you might mount. But you must fight by these rules too or you’re a terrorist.

      • kinnath

        There is a difference between a war crime and a terrorist attack.

        actions targeted a civilians that will likely also have a military impact.

        When the IRA bombed department stores in England, there was no military value.

        When Arabs murdered the Israeli Olympic team in Munich, there was no military value.

        When Hama sends rockets indiscriminately into populated areas killing both Israeli and Palestinian civilians, there is no military value.

        It’s not that hard to identify terrorism when it happens.

        You’re making this far more complicated that it needs to be.

      • PutridMeat

        You’re making this far more complicated that it needs to be.

        Probably.

        There is a difference between a war crime and a terrorist attack.

        Why? My Lai was, presumably, a war crime. What makes it fundamentally different from a terrorist attack? Armies in WWII on the Soviet and German side raped women and slaughtered civilians, partly as a means of terror to control the population and partly because war can encourage and reward evil people. Is a ‘war crime’ because it’s committed by someone with a uniform and the backing of a recognized state?

        When the IRA bombed department stores in England, there was no military value.

        Was there not? We can’t fight you and beat you on the terms you define because you have the army – we can’t field that and build up the necessary equipment to do it. That says nothing about whether our cause is just or not, it says we can’t compete on the terms you are setting. But if we bomb some departments stores, maybe your will fails and you’ll decide it’s not worth continuing your actions and you’ll withdraw. Hence a military victory for us when we couldn’t compete on the military terms you set.

        Please note that I’m playing a bit of devil’s advocate here. But I do have an underlying discomfort with what, often times, seems to be an arbitrary separation of exactly how and by whom the civilian population is targeted.

      • kinnath

        You seem intent on trying to show that terrorism is a legitimate form of warfare. I will note this puts you on the side of terrorists who believe they are engaged in lawful warfare.

        I can’t accept that in any terms.

        So, I am done with the discussion.

      • EvilSheldon

        Terrorism is an effective form of warfare*. That’s all the legitimacy it needs.

        * – Depending on the belligerents – really hardcore autocracies rarely have long-term terror problems.

      • kinnath

        Terrorism is an effective form of warfare*.

        Northern Ireland is still in Britain.

        Israel still exists.

        The Red Brigade didn’t change Germany.

        The Tamil Tigers have managed to hold on to a chunk of land, but a great cost.

        You’ll need to enlighten on terrorists that actually succeeded in anything substantial.

      • PutridMeat

        effective form of warfare

        Probably not but that probably confuses cause and effect. Often, the party that engages in terrorist behavior is the one at a significant disadvantage, especially in the arena of “lawful warfare” – that’s why they engage in it. So more often than not, they’re going to come out behind/defeated. So it’s less and ‘effective form’ than ‘the only means of opposition available to us’.

      • Lachowsky

        “lawful warfare”

        No such thing. Only way to ensure that that your style of warfare is “lawful” is to ensure you win.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        Terrorist/ism is a term of convenience, for what would have been quite normal methods of warfare pre-Napoleon. War is total, and people like Sherman understood that. Yes, innocents die, but that is the cost of war. Does it suck? Yes, war sucks, which was why there were attempts to codify it, make it more palatable. But, the Viet Mihn understood it at Dien Bien Phu, the Algerians understood it in Northern Africa, the Taliban understood it, in fact, every indigenous group that has gone to war with a super power has rather quickly figured it out.

        As many people on both sides of the issue have said quite recently, this is what decolonization looks like, but it goes back further than the present movement. It was the driving force of the Mau Mau, Malaysians, Congolese, and pretty much every one of the “wars” that have occurred in the wake of WWII, with the slight exception of Iraq, but only for the initial invasion.

      • kinnath

        Battle of Điện Biên Phủ

        The French began an operation to insert, and support, their soldiers at Điện Biên Phủ, deep in the autonomous Tai Federation up in the hills northwest of Tonkin. The operation’s purpose was to cut off Viet Minh supply lines into the neighboring Kingdom of Laos (a French ally), and draw the Viet Minh into a major confrontation in order to cripple them. The plan was to resupply the French position by air, a strategy adopted based on the belief that the Viet Minh had no anti-aircraft capability.

        The Viet Minh, however, under General Võ Nguyên Giáp, surrounded and besieged the French. They brought in vast amounts of heavy artillery (including anti-aircraft guns) and managed to move these bulky weapons through difficult terrain by individual men and women up the rear slopes of the mountains. They dug tunnels through the mountains and arranged the guns to target the French position.

        In March, the Viet Minh began a massive artillery bombardment of the French defenses. The strategic positioning of their artillery made it nearly impervious to French counter-battery fire. Tenacious fighting on the ground ensued, reminiscent of the trench warfare of World War I. At times, the French repulsed Viet Minh assaults on their positions while supplies and reinforcements were delivered by air.

        An armed force fighting another armed force.

        I’m too fucking tired to look them all up.

        So, yes, asymmetric warfare works. It’s been proven many times in my lifetime.

        But asymmetric warfare is not synonymous with terrorism.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        My point was the Viet Minh used what would be considered terrorism in all of Vietnam , but specifically used torture against soldiers captured at Dien Bien Phu, of which there are many first hand accounts of, but the one I am most familiar with is Hell In A Very Small Place (Bernard Fall, 1966). So, I was unclear there. But, they used torture, they bombed civilians, etc., in their fight against both France and the US.* And it worked as we see by the presence of a Republic of Vietnam. And it also worked in Algeria, whose anti-colonial forces bombed civilian targets (A Savage War For Peace Alister Horne, 1977), and is also now an Independent country.

        *And, yes, both France and the US committed atrocities in those conflicts also.

      • R C Dean

        Well, at some point you want to refer to them without several paragraphs of justification. Personally, I have a pretty good idea what the Pali’s grievances are, and how they have conducted themselves, and am comfortable dismissing them as terrorists. Everybody has a grievance, of course. If Hamas isn’t a terrorist organization, what is?

        The term “gunmen” allows the NYT to lump them in with deplorable 2A supporters. That’s why they use the term.

    • Ted S.

      The proper term is “austere scholars”.

      • R.J.

        When my wife “organizes” my stuff I call her a terrorist.

    • The Other Kevin

      That’s my question. I did like Jordan, don’t know much about Scalise.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Scalise is a milquetoast Republican and not much different than McCarthy so basically all of that drama for not a lot of gain.

      • juris imprudent

        What, you were expecting the whole conference to look around and decide to draft Massie?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Jordan at least who’s all bark and little bite but at least he makes the right noises.

      • R C Dean

        I consider firing McCarthy because he broke two deals with his own caucus to be a gain.

      • Sean

        Agreed.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Oh it’s good that he was shitcanned, it would just have been nice to see a little bit more change in the new guy.

      • Lachowsky

        If we keep to that standard, i expect Scalise to fired shortly. I don’t expect much out of him.

    • Bobarian LMD

      According to the definitions I’m following, they’re ALL RINOs. The proper term should be CINO.

    • UnCivilServant

      He’s not speaker yet. He’s the Pub nominee for speaker, a full house vote needs to be held.

    • Rebel Scum

      They could do worse. He is the guy that was shot by that Bernie Bro. Idk what all he stands for.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        The R’s should all wear purity rings.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Massie is holding out hope that McCarthy will run after all and he can once more vote for him?

      • juris imprudent

        He stands for what most Republicans stand for – I’m not a Democrat.

      • Drake

        Nope. “I’m a Democrat from 25 years ago.”

  19. The Late P Brooks

    The New York Times published a story referring to Hamas as “terrorists” and then changed it to “gunmen.”

    I thought they were “militants”.

    • UnCivilServant

      Those are too sanitized and gentile terms for them.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Austere religious scholars.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Steve Scalise is the new House Speaker.

    Thank god. Now they can turn the money spigot back on.

  21. Rebel Scum

    Another terrorist air force strikes.

    Reports indicate armed members of Hezbollah have invaded Israel onboard gliders.

    Multiple alerts in the north.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    Don’t worry, it’s only the stuff you pay for every day

    U.S. producer prices increased more than expected in September amid higher costs for energy products and food, but underlying inflation pressures at the factory gate continued to abate.

    The mixed report from the Labor Department on Wednesday was published ahead of the release on Thursday of September’s consumer price index data, which is expected to show inflation moderated last month. The report is being closely watched for clues on whether the Federal Reserve will raise interest rates against the backdrop of higher U.S. Treasury yields and conflict in the Middle East.

    “The Fed has not finished the job and stamped inflation out completely yet, and if anything, policymakers have their work cut out for them as much of the inflation we see in producer prices is coming from food and energy prices that monetary policy has less effect on,” said Christopher Rupkey, chief economist at FWDBONDS in New York.

    The producer price index for final demand rose 0.5% last month after accelerating by an unrevised 0.7% in August.

    Pay no attention the helicopter cash dump behind the curtain.

  23. Rebel Scum

    Ukraine Season Israel Season Riot Season

    If any indictment ever demanded dismissal, this one does.

    The case against Marine Corps veteran Daniel Penny, facing charges of manslaughter and criminally negligent homicide in New York City, came under new light in a defense motion brief reported by Fox News on Tuesday.

    And the details should have the case thrown out of the courtroom.

    • EvilSheldon

      Interesting. I’d really like to see the medical examiners report. I know a little bit about choking people out, but I don’t know too many ways that could result in the victim croaking an hour later at the hospital?

  24. DEG

    “Send me over there,” Hunter said lazily. “I’ll sort out the whole Israel stuff in like, I dunno, maybe three weeks.”

    “You sure could, buddy,” Cracky said, slurring his words. Most of his mouth had been broken-off and smoked.

    Fuck all the women that quickly? I guess.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      The guy watches one Mia Khalifa video and he thinks he’s an expert.

  25. DEG

    Hunter began to rub Cracky on his limp, spit-sticky penis. Cracky started crying quietly as Hunter penis skin drank vital cocaine nutrients directly from Cracky’s craggy surface.

    “Hunter,” Cracky sobbed. “I never thought it would be like this.”

    The bruise-eyed giftwhore watched hungrily.

    A happy ending

  26. hayeksplosives

    …and I will never be able to recommend this website to anyone.

    SMDH.

    • Sean

      Sorry to hear about your accident.

      How are you doing?

    • R.J.

      Yeah. He really got left out to dry.

      • R.J.

        He will not have a soft landing

  27. The Late P Brooks

    Hunter penis skin drank vital cocaine nutrients directly from Cracky’s craggy surface.

    “Strictly for medicinal purposes, Your Honor.”

  28. grrizzly

    A for using Ukrainian.
    A+ would have been for using Russian because this is the language Ukrainians (outside of Lvov) actually speak when not on TV.

    • SugarFree

      I figured someone would complain either way.

  29. Sean

    Fine Amazon. You got me twice the past two days with your deals.
    I hope you’re happy. >.>

    • R.J.

      The wife has been hammering the Amazon buy button like she’s doing morse code as we prepare for the early Halloween party Saturday.

  30. Rufus the Monocled

    I think it’s time I start paying closer attention around here again.