“MCCARTNEY!” Fetterlump cried as he burst into The Oval Office. He stood, hunched, underbite jutting, his misshapen potato face contorted with grief.
From his life support office chair, Joe snored.
“What?” Finnegan asked Hunter in a loud stage whisper.
“I dunno. McCarthy, I guess?” Hunter whispered back. “I have no idea why that’s got him so upset.”
Fetterlump groaned and held the sides of his head. He made a few gurgling noises that were a distant kin to speech, his face purple and red from the strain.
“He’s going to blow!” Hunter said, pulling his daughter back from the beast.
“Urk, urk,” croaked the creature, his throat bulging grotesquely.
“We can’t let him die in here!” Finnegan said.
Fetterlump clawed at his throat, digging deep furrows that welled with dark blood. Joe snored.
“Grandpa really should be wearing his CPAP,” Finnegan said marmishly.
“One thing at a time, man,” Hunter said.
Fetterlump, doubled over, hitched twice and vomited, a pale lump of bloody flesh plopping on the floor.
“Jesus Fucknuts Christ!” Hunter yelled, pointing at the pulsating mass on the floor.
“No!’” the Lump screamed in a tiny voice. “Pick me up, you idiot! Pick me up!”
Finnegan moaned in incomprehensible terror as the blind Lump extended a pseudopod toward her.
Fetterman reached for the Lump as it continued to berate him. “No! Over here! To the left! No, your left!”, it said, guiding him by sensing his body heat.
“MOTHERFUCKER!” the Secret Service agent on the door yelled, staggering into The Oval Office, holding his bloody hand out before him. Commander hip-checked his knee as he ran into the room.
“Commander!” Finnegan screamed. “SIT!”
Commander ignored her to growl at the Lump, his hackles at full mast. He barked twice and ran to the other side of Fetterman to bark again.
“Hurry up!” the Lump squealed. “I’m getting covered in carpet fuzz! I can feel myself getting dumber!”
Commander dashed between the bloodied nails of Fetterman’s hands and bit into Lump. Its high-pitched scream of rabbit terror liquified Finnegan’s guts.
“Muhine!” Fetterman grunted, fending off the German Shepherd with one hand and trying to pull the Lump away from him at the same time. Commander growled, a deep bass note. He let the Lump go, and then lunged to chomp into it again.
“Commander! Leave it!” Hunter ordered.
Commander began to shake his head, worrying out a gobbet of Lumpflesh.
“Commander! Leave it!’ Hunter said. He pulled Cracky out of his jockstrap and threw it at the dog. Commander yelped as the hunk of crack smashed in his nose and let go of Lump, confused.
“Hurry, you moron!” Lump yelled as Fetterman stuffed it into his mouth.
Commander whined and backed into the Secret Service agent who he had bitten. The man was able to grab his leash and begin pulling him out of The Oval Office.
“No chewing!” Lump screeched from inside Fetterman’s mouth.
w t f
The nom on the front page was ominous.
My thought exactly.
Jesus. That was…….something…..
*blinks*
Inconceivable.
And yet…
Best. One. Yet.
A masterful blend of horror and hilarity.
I wonder what Tomb Raider will think of this one?
“Commander! Leave it!’ Hunter said. He pulled Cracky out of his jockstrap and threw it at the dog. Commander yelped as the hunk of crack smashed in his nose and let go of Lump, confused.
That left me cackling like Kamala. Brilliant paragraph!
I can’t even
FR
Top rope, SF. Right from the beginning.
I’m skipping lunch.
/Lurches to the bathroom
Can we turn this into a patented weight loss technique?
System and Method for Appetite Suppression
Meanwhile, in California…
The appointment of Sen. Laphonza Butler (D-Calif.) to fill the vacancy left by the late Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) is throwing a wrench into the high-stakes California Senate battle amid questions over whether Butler will add herself to the crowded field in the coming months.
Is “monkey wrench” on the official list of verboten racist terms now?
Can’t say monkey wench. Double plus no good
Yes, because someone could heard as monkey wench which is a pejorative against Black women and thereby trigger a listener.
*could hear it as*
The “monkey” part is also something that black individuals might take umbrage about. Not quite as loaded as “ape” or “gorilla”, but you won’t catch me using those words around Mrs. Prole unless referring to an actual ape.
Humans are Apes. It’s the category of primate we fall under.
Though I understand the misuse as a pejorative and the sensitivity around the word, I don’t think it should be maligned for those previous misusages.
Howard Cosell concurs
He never said that about Tom Matte…
You can take Monkey VS Robot from my cold dead hands you damned dirty ape!
https://youtu.be/J-SUoHmpRdM?si=OKFE1iZgailaYZ3h
“The term Monkey Wrench comes from the fact that mechanics, called Grease Monkeys, used the tool. Grease Monkey is a pejorative deriving from Black Face used in Minstrel Shows, created by Thomas Jefferson in 1619 when he created slavery for the first time in human history.”- New York Times, probably.
“Since when did porch monkey become a racial slur?”
He pulled Cracky out of his jockstrap and threw it at the dog. Commander yelped as the hunk of crack smashed in his nose and let go of Lump, confused.
Cracky saves the day.
He’s not the hero we deserve, but he is the hero who we are smoking right now.
“We can’t let him die in here!” Finnegan said.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs…
The “in here” was a nice touch.
Glad I am sitting at Twin Peaks to bring me back to reality.
Are you having the Garmonbozia?
Twin Peaks has good scenery.
What the what?
Is the dog of the Lump now? Did he swallow?
Spit or Swallow (lyrics NSFW).
Were-lump?
I read this, and suddenly I saw a bright light and dead relatives beckoning me toward them.
*shiver*
DON’T GO INTO THE LIGHT!
Lo, there do I see my father. Lo, there do I see my mother, and my sisters, and my brothers. Lo, there do I see the line of my people, Back to the beginning! Lo, they do call to me. They bid me take my place among them, In the halls of Valhalla! Where the brave live forever!”.
“life support office chair”. Holy crap, that is genius.
Think it has adjustable lumbar support?
In SF‘s universe it’s the vibrators you have to wonder about.
Internal or external?
Exactly
Once you sit down, you don’t have to wonder anymore.
It has adjustable lump support.
The level of complexity in today’s episode is top notch.
The level of complexity in today’s episode is top notch.
Exploring the gamut of emotion, from disgust to revulsion.
Disturbingly, this all seemed plausible and reasonable to me. Pretty sure that’s a bad sign.
That was terrifying. I was literally shaking like Finnegan.
Now I understand why Commander bites indiscriminately. He’s schizo, from being near those people.
I BELIEVE
Believe
Dude…
Everybody knows you’re not allowed to watch that video unless you’re wearing jorts, a white t-shirt and boots.
Believe
Though I understand the misuse as a pejorative and the sensitivity around the word, I don’t think it should be maligned for those previous misusages.
Once upon a time, “You big ape” was in common usage, and not as a racial slur.
I’m an ape…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=473gx0-cchk
Apeman – The Kinks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRHqs8SffDo
I’ve Got An Ape Drape
Come on you apes! You want to live forever?
Ape call
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueMoGDqHchU
I think we found Fourscore’s secret history…
https://twitter.com/mgmstudios/status/1709599263058235482
That is the perfect B film.
My only issue is it appears the call center is on shore. (I’m watching with subs at work.)
You weren’t supposed to tell.
As plausible as anything else these days.
Good trailer. I feel like I just watched the entire movie.
I’ll probably still see it.
Sold.
Love it. Today’s daily scam is “Final Expense Insurance”.
Indian-accented voice: “Hello, this is Zach. I am calling to save you money on final expenses”
Me: “HI, Zach. Great game the other night, too bad about that fumble”
Zach: “What are you talking about?”
Me: “You’re Zach Wilson, right? NYJ QB?”
Zach: “No, I am Zach Adams. Please tell me your age so I can tell you the rate for your insurance”
Me: “Do 70 year olds get a better rate than 90 year olds? What’s the price schedule?”
Zach: “You will pay less than $1.00 a day”
Me: “Hmm, $350 a year so my wife and kids don’t get bankrupted when I croak. Sounds pretty good. Tell me more.”
(Incoming call clicks in)
Robovoice: “Hi, this is Susan, calling to offer a great rate on Final Expense Insurance”
Dueling scammers, I did not expect that. Burn them all down.
Conference the calls together, then drop the line.
Get them to bid against each other.
I still haven’t figured out how to conference on this device, never needed to. Until now. You and Brooks seem to be on the same wavelength.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
George Calls Beijing For Baldness Remedy
https://youtu.be/YrR6CywxmRg?si=4RTEt4fr0aT7S6sG
LOL. “Any side effects?”
Damn it, Swissie
October starts with a bang. Well done.
Dude… you okay?
I’m not anymore.
If the Gov’t Could Read My Mind
For some reason I saw this link and immediately thought of Gordon Lightfoot.
Seconded.
Good thing I ate before reading this. Otherwise I’d have nothing to vomit.
“Oh no, he’s reading HTML! Abort! Abort!”
Apparently there’s going to be a nationwide phone push notice of the emergency alert system today.
Or it’s incoming nukes, 50-50.
I’m headed out for a walk shortly. If the bombs drop it’s been a pleasure knowing y’all.
See you on the other side.
I turned off notifications. Let’s see if that works.
I turned them off last week when they kept pushing STORM SURGE notices every thirty minutes.
Because one foot of storm surge is an emergency.
And turning them off does not stop that particular type.
Great…
Can confirm. Text in English and Spanish, no love for Asians and Africans?
Yep, my phone usually stays in its Faraday bag; but I’m taking it out today to check if blocking works. For Great Science!
Well, that didn’t work. Time to get out the big hammer:
1|lake:/ $ pm uninstall -k –user 0 com.android.cellbroadcastreceiver
Success
We’ll see if that works. Now I just need another test…
T-20-ish minutes.
It was nice knowing
allmostmanysomea number of you.So once again Russia did it first and better?
https://news.yahoo.com/russia-conduct-emergency-public-warning-025354385.html
It begins.
Goddam feds scarred the shit outta me. Two cell phones start screaming at once.
Just got me. With all my alerts turned off. Iphone.
Yup. Me, too.
I don’t mind being unblocked to test whether I can receive the SMOD alert when it comes.
You people and your distrust of government I can’t even.
Got it.
Didn’t sound any “different” from any other alert.
Two minutes early here.
I need alerts from someone other than the government. Getting alerts from them is like the mugger yelling “Hello!” right before he cracks your skull.
I need alerts from someone other than the government. Getting alerts from them is like the mugger yelling “Hello!” right before he cracks your skull.
That’s it! I’m going on a squirrel hunt.
Squirrels provide the best alerts.
Wait, is it over? I didn’t get an alert. YES!!!
Probably means the FBI has you surrounded and about to arrest you.
Who is your carrier?
Verizon. I know I previously turned off alerts, I don’t get Amber alerts or things like that.
Only if you are in Hawai’i.
omgLOL 🤦♂️
I just laughed because I know that at my kid’s private school all the phones are dropped off at the entrance and stored in their own private cubbies.
Imagine all of those phones going off at once and the secretary freaking out.
I was laughing at Biden attempting to read a URL.
Just got it, evn though I turned alerts off. Fuck that shit.
It went from one end of my open office to the other.
My Pixel phone is locked down to vibrate only and it only buzzed.
OTH, two of my colleagues with Samsung phones had it ring the phone despite being set on vibrate.
Calamity
The writing has been on the wall for months, so some may find the urge to gloat over Rep. Kevin McCarthy’s ill-fated House Speakership to be irresistible.
The simple fact, however, is his ouster could cost everyone as a dysfunctional legislature, stewards of the nation’s purse strings, may drive already high borrowing costs even further into painful territory for the average American.
Last month Moody’s flagged that it might follow rivals like S&P Global Ratings in withdrawing its gold standard AAA rating for U.S. federal debt if the government shuts down. And the latest Beltway drama also highlights a stern August warning by Fitch over the political class’s inability to act in the collective interest of the country.
——-
“Investors are sick and tired of being jerked around with out-of-control spending, the inability to govern, and the constant dragging of markets to the edge of economic calamity with shutdowns and debt ceiling nonsense,” Harris Financial Group managing partner Jamie Cox told MarketWatch.
If the Congress can’t agree to infinite borrow-and-spend government programs, the house of cards will collapse.
Sure – we are all worried about a Moody’s downgrade of the sovereign. That’s what’s going to drive borrowing costs.
Pay no attention to printing money.
stewards of the nation’s purse strings
The USG’s purse has no strings.
Or no bottom. It’s like Santa’s bag.
I understand why the Dems are looking away and not seeing that POTUS is senile. Why are the Reps allowing this to continue? I don’t get it.
Because they’re Dems
Right, right
Tastes great. Less filling.
The fixed-income market is already reeling from a six-month-old debt ceiling crisis that depleted the U.S. Treasury’s reserves. Replenishing its coffer has meant flooding the system with new paper to raise fresh capital for running the government.
FUCK YOU CUT SPENDING.
CUT THEM OFF
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOyqrNPzsY
Oh, my aching head. I’ll be back as soon as the Grand Mal seizure runs its course.
Dueling scammers, I did not expect that. Burn them all down.
Put them on conference call and hold an auction.
My President needs me. Democracy is under siege.
WhItE-sUpReMe MAGA iNsUrReCtIoN
Ooh, I just got my alert.
I’m disappointed that my two phones were not synchronized.
It sorta rolled back and forth through the office.
It’s annoying, the system needs to be disabled and whoever approved it shot.
And not in that order.
Same here. As soon as phones were silenced, other phones went off.
Me too. The ‘special’ sound was not special, just the normal emergency tone.
But at least it was not the brown note.
Blocking didn’t work. Got two alerts, one English and one Spanish
Well, aren’t you fancy?
I only got mine in American.
You were supposed to turn your phone off. Your vaccine nano bots are now activated. Good luck.
BRAINS! BRAAAAINS! GRAH!
Samsung?
Two coworkers with the same issue.
OnePlus. Just got another Spanish one.
I got it in English and Spanish too. Not sure why I got the Spanish, but maybe it’s based on demographics of my location.
I got one English one, that is enough for me.
Same here, same possible cause, I think I also did not let certain apps know my language.
Even though I had emergency alerts and test alerts turned off on my Apple phone, I just got the National Alert test.
At least it confirms my suspicions that the user control of settings on your devices is eyewash for the rubes. Sure, your microphone is turned off. Sure, geo-tracking isn’t shared.
What a fucking farce.
Turn the power off and Put the phone in a faraday cage.
Put in fridge; heard no alert but a text remained.
Likewise, across the board. I’m pissed.
Add me to the list on a stock Pixel 7.
Pixel 5A. Looks like you would have to root the device.
https://source.android.com/docs/core/ota/modular-system/cellbroadcast
I can’t block or stop this process.
I opened a bug report, for my own amusement. Not because I think it’ll change.
And got the Spanish alert ~30 minutes after the English one.
I think that counts as racism of some kind.
The only way around it is to get a fully secure phone, or get rid of your phone period.
But that’s too much of a pain in the ass while I’m still running my business. So eyeballs and ears in my pocket it is.
Samsung Galaxy 22. Already had allmy alerts turned off except the presidential one, which you can’t turn off.
So, am I pissed? No. Just resigned and weary.
Doesn’t work (user controlled settings) on rooted android either. Since I rooted my phone to install non-google stock android, I just removed the nominally guilty package. All the alert options have disappeared; I believe that includes the ‘presidential level alerts’ as well, but I’ll have to wait for the next test – or nuclear war – to test.
I always figured a nuclear war wouldn’t be something I would need an alert to notify me of.
I probably will never know. Most projections have Denver disappearing pretty quickly.
I’m way down on the target list, but I’m pretty sure I could figure it out without a lot of effort.
I often forget to bring my phone when going to the range or buying ammo…
Most likely but then again, mine was only in Spanish.
Got two alerts, one English and one Spanish
No Ukrainian? What a gyp.
No, not in Romani either.
For every one of us pissed/annoyed/blackpilled by the alert, there’s a few million people out there who were very comforted by it. They’re safe. Daddy loves them and has his eye on them.
Well, except the Amish.
Good point.
More likely there’s a million calls to customer service asking “Whycome my phone go Beep?”
I am neither. Where do I turn in my Glibs card? I just don’t care either way.
The Apathy Center is down the hallway and to your left.
“We control the vertical. We control the horizontal.”
Sounds like I’m the only Glib who did not get the alert. Maybe the alert was about me. ::glances sideways::
I didn’t read it, so 🤷♂️
Does your phone have 5G?
It’s an iPhone SE, so it’s capable but I’m not sure if it’s using 5G.
It is not.
Mine is 4G. Still got it.
Figures. I’m sure it’s a function of the OS and not the connection type.
I did not get the alert on my iPhone. I’m not even sure what model iPhone I have. It has constantly pestered me to finish setting up my device for two years.
So are the folks who didn’t get the alert the ones who are going to be raptured or the ones who are NOT going to be raptured?
(I got the alert.)
How was the mead?
Haven’t opened it yet. Waiting until we can have some friends over to share it with.
ok
I’m not real disappointed that I’m not on FedGov’s speed dial.
Mine said 4 notices but I hit clear so I don’t know. Maybe I won the lottery or have an arrest warrant for unpaid taxes.
Maybe Lump tastes like McRib, and ze uses flavor to control the Modern Day Prometheus?
Samsung S20. of course I got the alert. I have been feeling funny ever since it went off. I think I’m gonna send some money to Ukraine.
Don’t worry, the .gov will send your money over.
Congrats, a $100 billion contribution has been made in your name!
Good deeds must always be filtered through the treasury.
I actually laughed. Thanks! Need more rain to make a good day out of this.
Bravo!
Oh my!
I’ve been wondering all week how DF was going to put everything together. Brilliant.
DF is like dead man.
Judas titty fucking Priest
Amazed at all the anti-Goetz stuff out there. This is what any conservative should remember:
“When Democrats are in the majority, they get their way. And when Republicans are in the majority, the Democrats also get their way. Most recently, after the stopgap spending bill was passed, Rep Jamie Raskin took to MSNBC to boast that the Democrats “got the vast majority of what we wanted” from it. And for some Republicans that was the last straw.”
Fuck you, cut spending. It’s simple.
He stands in the way of the money laundering and portfolio padding. It truly is that simple.
Of course people hated Bernie Goetz. Except for maybe Billy Joel.