The Hat and The Hair: Episode 191

by | Nov 29, 2023 | Hat and Hair | 135 comments

 

“Penny for your thoughts,” the hair said dreamily as it massaged Donald’s head with his feathery tendrils.

“I was thinking about Ancient Rome,” Donald said. “I think about it all the time. It was a tremendous time. Just great, really great.”

“Your Inaugural can be a Triumph,” the hat said. “Ride through the streets of DC on a chariot with DeSantis lashed to the front.”

“Memento mori, I will whisper,” the hair said, rubbing furiously as Donald’s scalp raced toward orgasm.

Donald’s intercom crackled to life. “Laura is here to see you,” his twink secretary said.

 

 

“Oh, God,” the hair moaned. “She’s back.”

“Yeah, ‘she’s’ back,” the hat said and made a fart sound with the febrile lips of his brim. “Grab her by the pussy, Donald. If you can find one.”

“Clam up, you two,” Donald said. “Laura is very important and a sexy lady and a great supporter and she tweets, like, all the time. All. The. Ty-ime.”

“We can find someone else to tweet,” the hat grumbled.

The hair settled onto Donald’s scalp and composed himself. Donald hit the intercom and said for her to be sent in.

“Mr. President!” she said, sweeping into the office, the large bones of her face weirdly mobile. She dove in for a kiss before Donald could recoil, her usual perfume of ammonia and Klonopin enveloping him.

“You’re doing good work on the Twitter for me, there, Laura,” Donald said, moving back, putting his desk between the two of them. The hat laughed quietly.

“She’s wearing a mask, Donald,” the hair said. “Humans don’t look like that.”

“Lizard person,” the hat said before Donald slapped him lightly.

“Mr. President,” Laura said, sitting primly on the couch. “I wanted to discuss our strategy for DeSanctimonious.”

“Who?” Donald asked.

“Ron DeSantis, Mr. President,” she said. The hat sniggered and snorted.

“It’s a mask,” the hair chanted. “A mask, a mask, a mask.”

“If the temperature gets any colder, she’ll freeze and fall out of a tree,” the hair said. “Lizzzzzard.”

When Laura’s red, red lips, wet with CVS lipstick, parted as she started to speak and Donald saw her forked tongue flick out.

“Lizard!” he accused. “Lizard!”

“Mr. President?” she asked.

Donald moved lightning-fast for his age and bulk, crossing the room to grab the sides of Laura’s face.

“Mask!” he said, clawing at her jowls. “Take off your mask!”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

135 Comments

  1. Suthenboy

    Re: Pie from last thread

    Various ways to calm your angry wife
    “Are you on your period?”
    “You sound just like your mother”
    “Dont you worry your pretty little head about that sweetheart”

    • Swiss Servator

      You couldn’t wait for just a few minutes before this? A little respect for our author, please.

      • Suthenboy

        Tried to post in the last thread. Someone needs to round up some squirrels.

      • R.J.

        I got one. And a large rabbit. I’m distracted them with some shelled pecans so you could post.

    • PieInTheSky

      my ex was more reasonable

      • PieInTheSky

        this was late so it does not count as early OT

  2. Suthenboy

    “her usual perfume of ammonia and Klonopin enveloping him.”

    How does a description of a smell conjure up visuals in the mind? This is true talent.

  3. Swiss Servator

    “her usual perfume of ammonia and Klonopin enveloping him.”

    Oh man.

    • PieInTheSky

      i miss much of these when reading no idea what v as or how it smells.

  4. Sean

    🙂

  5. The Late P Brooks

    “If the temperature gets any colder, she’ll freeze and fall out of a tree,” the hair said. “Lizzzzzard.”

    Well done, Sir.

    • juris imprudent

      Lizard person, born in Tucson AZ – checks out.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    I have absolutely no idea who or what “Laura” is.

      • The Other Kevin

        “Laura Elizabeth Loomer (born May 21, 1993)[1] is an American far-right[a] and anti-Muslim[b] political activist, white nationalist,[c] conspiracy theorist[d] and internet personality.[2][3] ”

        Not familiar with her, but I highly doubt any of that is true. Ok maybe “internet personality”.

      • Suthenboy

        It’s Wikipedia town Kevin, just go with it.

      • Not Adahn

        Of course there are. There are white natonalists of every race and creed. White nationalists are the most diverse hate group to have ever existed.

      • Nephilium

        /the black face of white supremacy

    • The Other Kevin

      Whew, I thought it was just me.

  7. The Other Kevin

    THEY’RE BACK!

    “…wet with CVS lipstick…”
    For some reason this was my favorite.

    • Suthenboy

      Again, a physical description conjuring up a set of smells, some not even ini the description. The slight, ephemeral smell of warm wax , cheap perfume, hairspray solvents and a nearly not noticeable smell of musty laundry left in the washer too long before drying.

      Sugarfree stories are not just to be read, they are to be experienced.

      • juris imprudent

        I was afraid for a second you were going to say savored.

      • Fatty Bolger

        I’ll say savored.

    • Riven

      Same. It’s a very distinct look, and it’s clear many women subscribe to this standard of, um, beauty.

  8. Aloysious

    P*ssy L*quor came on my pandora station when I started reading about the Hat and the Hair.

    Coincidence? I think not.

    • SugarFree

      There is no such thing as coincidence, Reality is lashed together with invisible strands of fate and will.

      • Aloysious

        It did set the appropriate mood, I must say. If it had come on when you were writing about Hillary, I might just have retired from the internets.

      • PieInTheSky

        oh how do you know do you have post doctoral studies in coincidence?

    • slumbrew

      She’s all yours.

  9. slumbrew

    This didn’t even make me a little nauseated.

    *next week is gonna be a doozy*

    • The Other Kevin

      It’s all part of a magical journey.

  10. Lackadaisical

    That’s a rough 30.

    • Suthenboy

      If there is no gravelly voice from too much alcohol and too many cigarettes there will be soon.

      There was a heart throb actress back in the ’60s that every man lusted after, me being no exception.
      Sometime in the ’90s I saw an interview with her and she had that voice. I mentioned this to a friend of mine and he said
      “Her? You are kidding, right? Everyone knew about her. I was at a party with her once in her heyday and she got raucously loud and very drunk. She was bragging about her blowjob skills.
      She made a bet with some guy he couldn’t last one minute. He whipped it out and she blew him in front of god and everybody. More bets…pretty soon she blew every guy at the party.
      A rough voice is the least non-attractive thing about her.

      • Mojeaux

        When I was a teenager, I wished I had Kathleen Turner’s voice. I don’t anymore.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        She did kind of have one of those sultry voices back in the ‘80s didn’t she?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Was Elizabeth Montgomery a heartthrob? Barbara Eden maybe…

      • SugarFree

        Pretty yummy for a blow-job queen. Samantha, I wonder if she wiggled her nose when she went balls deep.

      • Lackadaisical

        Go on…

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        GG, TCM’s star of the month! QED last night.

  11. Not Adahn

    I didn’t even know Klonopin had a smell.

    • Suthenboy

      I am guessing it is similar to the smell of piss after someone has been taking antibiotics.

    • R.J.

      When I read that I thought of the Chanel and vinegar smell of old ladies.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    Would it pass the old Olympic XX/XY Russian “female” shotputter test?

  13. R.J.

    Fantastic. Thank you for brightening a sufficiently shitty day.

    • Aloysious

      I’m sitting waiting for a tire to be repaired. Two and a half hour wait time.

      Sixth time in just under two years that I’ve picked up a pointy stabby tire hating foreign object.

      I’m a terrible driver.

      • B.P.

        I think my wife does donuts at construction sites. I’m constantly pulling metal out of her vehicle tires. One time she picked up a chunk of lawnmower blade and still managed to get to the tire shop.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Fools and their money

    The GMC Hummer EV is a monster machine, bearing 1,000 horsepower from its triple-motor drivetrain that serves all four wheels. For a certain type of buyer, it was the vehicle to have to project an image of rugged imperviousness to the world. The only problem was, you couldn’t get one! Numbers were limited, GMC’s production ramp-up was slow. If you wanted a Hummer EV, you had to buy one used, and with such constrained supply, prices went to the moon. Now, it appears that prices for the Hummer EV are finally crashing back to Earth.

    At launch, the base price for the Hummer EV was just $81,590, but between options and high demand, few to no owners actually paid such a low figure. The fancier Edition 1 model started at $110,295, by comparison, and when pre-orders opened, it sold out in just ten minutes. The punters were positively humming for Hummers. General Motors pleaded with dealers not to attach huge markups to their allocations, but that didn’t reign in the chaos. Tacking on $50,000 to the sticker price wasn’t unheard of at the time.

    Even still, if you were lucky enough to be in the right spot on the waiting list, you could have purchased your Hummer EV at a hugely elevated price and still come out ahead by reselling it on the used market. Barely-used examples were selling well in excess of $200,000, and some even north of $250,000. The Hummer EV was a scalper’s dream, but now, that’s all started to change. Let’s dive in to the figures, starting with Cars & Bids.

    Worth every penny, I’m sure.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      An immensely complicated GM engineered overpriced and overhyped POS. If you know someone that drives one maybe try selling them some magic beans, they just might bite.

    • Sensei

      It’s a really interesting toy for somebody and nothing more. It was a way for GM to make something low volume with it’s new battery vehicle architecture.

      It created the buzz GM wanted and I’m betting at roughly the NPV they expected.

      I’d love to know the demographics of the buyers. I’m sure most of them are mall crawlers. Here on the east coast it’s too big even if I had unlimited funds.

      • R.J.

        I remember a discussion on Autopian about $3,000 rear brake lights (each). They were all new and not shared with any other vehicle. Heaven help you of you broke one.

    • The Gunslinger

      Nothing says “I’m saving the planet” like driving a 10,000 pound, 1,000 horsepower, 3 motor General Motors behemoth.

      • Lackadaisical

        Right? It’s just comical. Your 5 tons of material generated more ghg emissions than my little ice car ever will.

    • R C Dean

      “the base price for the Hummer EV was just $81,590”

      Just?

      • juris imprudent

        In fairness, my RAM 2500 diesel in ’17 was three-quarters of that. New now?

    • UnCivilServant

      I thought they had abandoned cheese for yellow pigment powder years ago.

    • B.P.

      Most purchases will be accidental.

      • Sensei

        My first thought!

      • Fatty Bolger

        Yep.

        Shouldn’t they have to rename it? Since there’s no cheese in it?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      “ fava bean protein and coconut oil powder”
      Sounds yummy

      • Not Adahn

        Aas a side dish for liver and a nice chianti?

      • The Other Kevin

        As if it wasn’t processed enough, they found a way to add more processing.

    • SugarFree

      barf

    • Nephilium

      Because vegans need crap food too!

    • Aloysious

      I wonder if that stuff will block you up as bad as government ‘cheese’ does.

      • R.J.

        Fake meat/cheese products seem to produce weaponized poos. I would expect that would as well.

    • Gustave Lytton

      in response the growing hunger for “better-for-you” products from American consumers

      Bullshit.

    • Lackadaisical

      Make it with gluten free pasta and you’ll hit the trifecta.

    • rhywun

      And it’s only 3x the price of the BAD mac ‘n’ cheese!

      • Lackadaisical

        That’s how you know it’s good for you.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    I thought they had abandoned cheese for yellow pigment powder years ago.

    Recycled yellow plastic raincoats.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    I’d love to know the demographics of the buyers.

    Lefty parents buying them for their daughters to take to college.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    Joe Biden isn’t really your most important “stakeholder”?

    General Motors Co. offered a response to critics of its unsteady push into electric vehicles and self-driving: to shower shareholders with cash.

    The automaker on Wednesday announced its biggest-ever stock buyback plan — $10 billion in total — as Chief Executive Officer Mary Barra promised better days are ahead. GM also boosted its dividend 33% and reinstated earnings guidance after accounting for costs of its new labor contract.

    The Detroit-based manufacturer is returning billions to investors despite high interest rates that are threatening car sales and capital burdens from its EV effort, which has yet to show significant results. GM is trying to prove it can generate huge amounts of cash while still investing in technology, hoping to lift a stock that trades lower today than when Barra took over in early 2014.

    You’ve been telling your shareholders to go fuck themselves for years.

      • Nephilium

        I’ve got this shirt in a drawer.

      • R C Dean

        I used to have one, too. I wore it out.

      • Lackadaisical

        ‘disposable engines’

        How many people really want to save their Accent after 15 years of driving? Better off getting a new one then.

      • Sensei

        Sure. But I’d weight it a higher priority than other issues that CR may feel are just as important.

      • R.J.

        Good Lord. Mini is #3? Who got fellated for that to happen? What an ass-backwards survey.

      • Lackadaisical

        Yeah, seems a little sketch. I think Kia/Hyundai usually rate much higher than that in reliability based on actual numbers.

      • Nephilium

        My Mini has been pretty reliable. The issue is that even minor repairs get expensive quick.

    • R C Dean

      “GM is trying to prove it can generate huge amounts of cash”

      Err, borrowing money isn’t the same thing as “generating cash”, you know.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Nice link. At least it works. Ohhh, Edit Faerie…..

    • Lackadaisical

      ‘minor inconveniences’ more like

  19. The Late P Brooks

    Thanks, Edit Faerie!

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Hyundai / KIA rates highly, but I’d consider disposable engines a negative that outweighs other strong points.

    Are there still people who roll their cars over (as in- replace, not crash) every two or three years? Maybe they let that be somebody else’s problem.

    • Urthona

      For the minivan my family has leased I kinda do.

      Not for any other cars.

    • Rebel Scum

      If it’s a lease. I couldn’t see buying every three years. My car is a 2015, bought new. It has no issues and I see no reason to get rid of it.

    • prolefeed

      Link for the disposal engine thing? Hadn’t heard of that.

    • Name's BEAM. *James* BEAM.

      Our RAV4’s ten years old, and there have been no problems, only routine (and reasonably-priced) maintenance.

      We’re gonna drive that baby until it explodes or gently disintegrates. I’m not sure what I’ll do if I’m forced to buy a mostly-electronic vehicle that can spy on me or be hacked.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    I’m guessing the overwhelming majority of Consumer Reports car owners only care about whether the car starts every morning and if the climate control works.

    • Lackadaisical

      … That is the most important thing.

  22. Rebel Scum

    How soviet.

    In the pages that aren’t obscured, there are demands by Smith for information on virtually every conceivable aspect of the 77-year-old former president’s Twitter account, including “all advertising information … and ad topic preferences,” all IP addresses associated with the account, Trump’s privacy and account settings, records of the account’s communications with Twitter support and all direct messages sent and received by the account from October 2020 to January 2021.

    The government also sought information on users who interacted with Trump leading up to the riot.

    “All information from the ‘Connect’ or ‘Notifications’ tab for the account, including all lists of Twitter users who have favorited or retweeted tweets posted by the account, as well as all tweets that include the username associated with the account (i.e. “mentions” or “replies”),” the warrant states.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Both a fishing expedition and obviously aimed at intimidating Trump’s supporters. That motherfucker’s a Class A scumbag.

    • juris imprudent

      Oakland City Council: C’mon, you don’t expect us to do this boring municipal shit do you?

  23. The Late P Brooks

    Peasant revolt

    Nearly 4,000 new-car dealers from all over the United States have sent President Biden a letter to rebuke allegations that they’re to blame for low EV sales and to ask the White House to “tap the brakes on the unrealistic government electric vehicle mandate.” Published online, the letter argues that the real reason why sales of electric vehicles have stalled is that buyers don’t want them for a wide variety of reasons.

    It’s not just the usual suspects: Most of the 3,882 dealers who signed the letter distribute brands that have invested a substantial amount of money into developing electric cars. Ford, Kia, Hyundai, Mercedes-Benz, and even Volvo dealers appear on the list. And, these stores are located all across the nation, including in big EV markets like California (336 dealers), Washington (62 dealers), and New York (167 dealers).

    “No government agency, no think tank, and no polling firm knows more about the automobile customer than us. We talk to customers every day. As retail automotive dealerships, we are agnostic as to what we sell. Our business is to provide customers with vehicles that meet the needs of their budgets and lifestyles,” the letter states. What they’ve collectively found is that “the majority of customers” don’t want an EV.

    Joe don’t care. He’s saving the earth. Get with the program.

    • The Other Kevin

      The left is convinced they are on a moral crusade. They are morally right. Therefore it’s completely acceptable to lie, coerce, or force people to do what they want. They tried being nice. Just wait.

      • juris imprudent

        Oh I’m fine when they want to take the gloves off. The sooner that little band of loudmouths is bashed to pieces the better.

  24. prolefeed

    Carrying on a conversation from the dead thread – replying to Rhywun (sp?):

    Israel’s victory condition in every war they’ve fought is the same: when the shooting slows down to the normal relatively low background level (it never quite stops), they have survived. They have not been overrun and annihilated. They live to fight another day.

    If they can inflict enough of an ass whuppin’ that most everyone around them thinks twice about sticking their collective dicks in that hornets nest, so much the better.

    To understand this, think of what the Holocaust did – a sociopath mobilized his entire country, and systematically tried to hunt down and kill every last Jew in their country. And came damn close to succeeding. THAT is what losing looks like to most Israelis. That is Hamas’ stated goal. Any other outcome is a win.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    Last but definitely not least, the letter points out that “many people just want to make their own choice about what vehicle is right for them.”

    Fucking libertarian ultra MAGA scum.

    • Aloysious

      This is the land of the free. You’re only allowed to choose what you’re told to choose, comrade.

      • juris imprudent

        Do any of those people actually have degrees? Are they dedicated to making the world a better place? Then they should shut up and let their betters tell them what to do!

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Sounds like many people need fewer choices if they can’t pick right then. Maybe Joe can write an EO or use the Defense Production Act to that effect.

      • R.J.

        Don’t worry. He will wreck all the refineries and put an end to gas powered cars.

    • Suthenboy

      Like the global warming scam this EV bullshit is a direct assault on individual autonomy and freedom of movement. The goal is to destroy the infrastructure that makes cheap energy available (empowers individuals) and eradicate personal automobiles.
      In their vision the citizenry will all be reliant on a shitty, unreliable filthy public transport system. They would love nothing more than to have a Chinese-like system where any trip out of the home requires permission and passports required to travel X distance from home.
      I think such a system is described in the novel Utopia (?) or some other dystopian novel. how ironic that I looked to see and my search returned numerous articles proclaiming that in utopia one would have complete freedom to gambol about the forests and plains at will. This and Cardona’s misquote of Reagan is why the ruling class is such a failure. They are evil intellectual midgets.

  26. The Late P Brooks

    The left is convinced they are on a moral crusade. They are morally right.

    Something something destroy the earth in order to save it.

    Batteries are clean energy!

    • Suthenboy

      ““Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.” – TS Elliot

      I think this lot today does so with the approval of their own conscience but the ‘for our own good’ does not enter into it. Oikophobia is the real pandemic that threatens us all.

      • juris imprudent

        That’s an amusing misattribution. CS Lewis maybe? TS Garp?

      • hayeksplosives

        CS Lewis

      • Suthenboy

        Ugh. I was thinking Lewis, even looked it up under his name and then neatly. typed in Elliot.
        Fucking old brain.

        Had to see a doc against my will recently after a fall. I smacked my head pretty hard. I grumbles about it and the doc said “Mr. Suthenboy, you may have a brain injury, this is very serious. Mrs. Suthenboy was right to drag you in here.”

        My reply? “Doc its just my brain. I wasn’t using it much anyway.”

        What is it with doctors? Do they practice surgery in medical school by removing each other’s sense of humor?

      • R.J.

        I read that at Oklaphobia: a fear of Oklahoma.

  27. The Late P Brooks

    Equal time

    Almost 4,000 car dealerships in the US banded together in a new lobbying effort to ask the government to slow down the adoption of electric vehicles.

    They even falsely claim to be “the voice of customers” in this Luddite effort.

    A coalition representing 3,882 dealerships in the US has signed a letter sent to President Biden to lobby for a slower electric vehicle mandate.

    ——-

    The truth is that the current interest rates have affected all automotive sales, EVs or otherwise.

    It’s true some of those people who placed reservations for EVs last year are reconsidering their purchases now, as highlighted by the group of dealers, but that’s not because they are not interested in EVs anymore. It’s because they can’t afford the several hundred dollars more for the monthly payments now thanks to high interest rates.

    It makes it so much more frustrating that these dealers are making this false argument while claiming that they are the “voice of customers”:

    ——-

    Anyone taking the current demand situation with EVs as an excuse to slow down the transition is being completely short-sighted.

    Norway is at almost 100% of new car sales being BEVs. Yet, these dealers believe we can’t catch up to even two-thirds of that by 2032? That’s basically admitting that the US is more than a decade behind the Scandinavian country. I thought the US was always number 1?

    Take that, luddites!

    • rhywun

      Holy multiple stolen bases, Batman!

      • Suthenboy

        No shit. I think that motherfucker went around the bases more than a couple of rounds.

    • R.J.

      1. We are not Norway. We are a massive, not well-connected country.
      2. Not discussed is the thriving black market in gas cars which I expect will be discovered next year in Norway.

      • R.J.

        Sorry, 3.8% increase since last year.

      • Ted S.

        I don’t want my car’s gas to drip.

      • R.J.

        “What do we want!”
        “The end of autocorrect!”
        “When do we want it?”
        “Cow!”

      • Suthenboy

        I like that EV’s make the country ‘ahead’. We are behind, a nation of backward ignoramuses.

        Y’all hold down the fort. I see mandatory nap time has come for me.

    • B.P.

      Nice twist at the end. Come on rednecks, are you going to let a bunch of frozen, lutefisk-eating, Nazi collaborators beat you in the race to the future?

      • Suthenboy

        That future? Why yes, yes I will.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      What’s Norway’s population? Land area? What’s the current EV infrastructure look like? Jesus freaking Christ that’s a disingenuous argument.

      • R.J.

        See my link above. Automobile petroleum use is up, not down. I would love to see total auto sales year over year in Norway. It’s easy to have 100% sales of electric cars if your market tanked 80%.

    • Aloysious

      There’s Norway that would work in the States.

    • Fatty Bolger

      How dare they! What do a bunch of car dealers know about selling cars?!