I, Soldier part 6

by | Jan 8, 2024 | Fiction | 65 comments

The radio class was a little harder. I knew that encryption was best, but since the men were unlikely to do it properly, I told them to only speak in Montagnard on the radio and taught them how to use a radio in single-channel plaintext mode. Interestingly, this is what of a lot of US troops did as well during Vietnam, because they were too lazy to set up the encryption and figured the VC and NVA had few English speakers. Turns out they had many who while not fluent, could understand enough English to get an advantage big enough to tip the scales in a close fight. The enemy is always smarter than you think. Never underestimate them. This principle can also work in reverse through what the Chinese call the empty fort strategy. A commander ordered his men to hide and open the fort gates when the enemy army approached. The enemy general, sensing a trap, immediately marched his soldiers back the way they came.

During the war, the National Security Agency provided American troops with an encrypted radio system called NESTOR. Unfortunately, it required two men to carry, and the two devices had to stay connected with a wire, which made it very hard to move through thick vegetation without getting tangled up. I never got to use a NESTOR, but I figure it was decent system for an office in a rear area or any other fixed position. It’s the unlikely the engineers who designed had much experience going out on patrols, else they would have realized their idea was not practical. This sort of problem happens in all kinds of fields. There’s even an ancient Greek story about it. A bunch of mice had meeting to figure out how to deal with a cat that had recently arrived. One suggested tying a bell around the cat’s neck so it couldn’t sneak around. Another mouse asked, “then who will tie the bell on the cat?” The lesson is that it’s easy to propose impractical solutions.

Communication is important and takes many forms. The day after I graduated high school, the homecoming queen mailed me her underwear. I still don’t know if that was meant as a compliment, an insult, or a marriage proposal. It’s the thought that counts, I guess. Later in college, I became friends with an outspoken feminist. She invited me to this weird bar that was full of women in flannel with bad haircuts. That was the night I learned two things: what a lesbian is and that she was not one. The great philosopher WC Fields said: “Women are like elephants, to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to live with one.” I believe he also said, “don’t try to understand women; women understand women and they hate each other.” That might have been some other wise man though.

But I digress. Often.

Life in the village near the outpost was pleasant. I was never much of a cook and appreciated being invited to many meals. I never ate better in my life than my time in Vietnam. There was a young woman named Sao Mai who cooked for me often and brought me food out to wherever I happened to be at the time. Her name means Morning Star. Later, Binh explained to me that she was smitten with me and that is how Montagnard women propose marriage. She was so beautiful, but I came to Vietnam to fight, not make love. I asked her to come with me on a moonlight stroll whereupon I explained my feelings. I told her that if survived the war, I’d marry her and take her back to the US with me, but that might be years away and she’d probably be happier with a local husband. I still remember seeing a single tear roll down her face as she whispered, “I understand”. It saddened me to break her heart like that, but I needed to be realistic. In time, she recovered and continued to cook for me. Every relationship is a just a set of mutual interests and goals. The key is keeping your expectations in line with the degree to which those interests and goals overlap.

There’s no sugarcoating it; I’m not the romantic type. I doubt that raises many eyebrows. Death smiles at everyone, soldiers smile back. At least that’s how I handle it. There is a long tradition of stoicism among warriors around the world and throughout history. Zen is very nearly the Japanese equivalent of stoicism. It’s a school of Buddhism that teaches being focused on the present and being emotionally unattached to the outcome of whatever it is you’re doing. Interestingly enough, when you don’t care about the outcome, you are more likely to succeed because you are more relaxed during the task. In a similar way, Norse mythology taught that it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, only if you were brave or not. Norse mythology changed my life. My favorite story was about what Thor did during Ragnarok, the Norse version of Armageddon. Though he had been told by the Odin, god of magic, wisdom, and prophecy, that he would die along with all the other gods, Thor still waded into the sea to meet his fate in battle with a giant serpent named Jormungandr. The serpent arose from the sea and was spraying venom into the air that was killing all living things. Thor waded into the sea and was bitten fatally on the shoulder. Right after that, he struck its head with his hammer called Mjolnir. The serpent bled as it sank. Thor took nine steps on the shore and fell down dead.

So as you can see, there’s a lot more to being a good soldier than running around shirtless and decked out in ammo belts like Pancho Villa. On a side note, I will add that it’s best not to wear ammo belts like a beauty queen sash because it makes it harder to crawl and the ammo will get dirty and dented, thus making it more likely to jam your machine gun. Not that I’d know from experience, of course. I read that in a book by a guy who fought in Korea. Books are condensed experience and they’re way faster, safer, and cheaper than learning things the hard way. So good on you for reading this book. I hope you read many more like I did.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

65 Comments

  1. Rat on a train

    I’m glad they had VINSONs by the time I was in. Still a separate device but small enough to carry with a PRC-77. Eventually SINCGARS replaced them all.

  2. Derpetologist

    Oh yeah, I went on a date with a Vietnamese gal in real life. Her name was Sao Mai, which means Morning Star if I remember right. We went to the Lincoln Park Zoo. She liked the pygmy hippo.

    Pistoff Nick has a pygmy hippo as his avatar, I think.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcga0u5Nm80

    • prolefeed

      I dated a Vietnamese woman who was about a dozen years younger than me. The sex was hot, loud, and enthusiastic, but she was astonishingly deep into the danger zone on the Hot/Crazy matrix. She taught me the value of prioritizing a great personality over sexual aptitude in one’s partner.

      • slumbrew

        I can’t speak to the sex but a buddy dated a Vietnamese girl whose parents ended up in Mississippi after fleeing Vietnam.

        The unexpected southern accent was incredibly sexy.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        A good buddy of mine was married to a Japanese woman, and her sister had been a foriegn exchange student in Arkansas. I was talking to her once, at the wedding, and asked her what she liked about it, and she said that she loved going out with the other kids and hanging out at the Piggry Wiggry.

        DED

      • Tres Cool

        I could be willing to make concessions- which part of the personality was lacking?

    • Aloysious

      Allow me to quote from the epic Full Metal Jacket.

      *ahem*

      “Boom boom long time”

      I’m a little jealous. The only Vietnamese girl I knew in the old days wouldn’t go out with me because I was white. Her great grandma wanted to tear off a piece. It was a strange situation.

      • The Hyperbole

        Well don’t leave us hanging, did you knock it down or what?

      • Brochettaward

        Does a Cleveland Brown choke?

  3. Tres Cool

    NESTOR was the predecessor to VINSON, which is what I worked with.
    But our HF setup (the RATT rig) still used the KY-8.

    But now everything is digital, frequency-hopping. Its like Fletch telling them “Ball bearings. Guy- nowdays its all ball bearings!”

    • Derpetologist

      I was shocked and dismayed that none of the soldiers in my battalion, a military intelligence one, knew how to enable encryption on the SINCGARS radios we used sometimes for training events. If anybody did know, they never spoke up at the right time. Just about all of us were linguists and analysts though.

      From what I can tell, in practice, crypto is not used. If one person is broadcasting in the clear, everyone might as well be.

      • Rat on a train

        We used crypto for our networks. Green comms was a sign of a high value target.

  4. Tres Cool

    And WC Fields was a (l)ibertarian- “I never vote for anybody. I always vote against.”

    • creech

      Voting Libertarian is equivalent to voting Neither of the Above.

      • Don escaped Texas

        << —–Throwing My Vote Away Again 2024

      • Derpetologist

        From an online cartoon:

        Stop, the internet is full of libertarians. Please wait until one becomes a Republican.

        ***

        I reluctantly registered for Team Red a few months ago. My reasoning was I ought to given my stated alignment in my dark horse presidential campaign. I’m not on any of the ballots, but most states allow write-in candidates.

      • Don escaped Texas

        no objections

        follow your conscience

  5. R.J.

    Word, Derpy.

  6. Derpetologist

    I applied to a few math teacher jobs last week. The odds are good if they still need math teachers this late in the school year. It’s odd what gets the focus and what doesn’t. Every year in every state, high school seniors get diplomas they don’t deserve on graduation day; these days it might be half of them, at least. What a shame it is to spend 12 years in school and get a 5th grade education. But instead of trying to fix that, there are endless debates about fluff.

    The job I liked the most and kept the longest was the Army, and after that it was being a math teacher in the Peace Corps.

    Peace Corps: Fighting Fire With Marshmallows Since 1961

    The 15-year reunion of my bunch will be in Maine this summer. It will be good to see the old gang again. They enjoy my crazy stories.

    Teaching math is easy for me, I like it, the pay is decent, and having summers off is a nice bonus. I also enjoy the idea of subverting the liberal, cultural Marxist agenda. I’ve been idle for too long, though I have written a lot in the past year.

    I meant to go to Wal-Mart today to see what jobs they had, but ended up lying in bed til sundown. Hopefully, I won’t waste tomorrow.

  7. creech

    Huskies, welcome to Big 10 football!

  8. kinnath

    Filing alleges ‘improper’ relationship between Fulton DA, top Trump prosecutor

    District Attorney Fani Willis improperly hired an alleged romantic partner to prosecute Donald Trump and financially benefited from their relationship, according to a court motion filed Monday which argued the criminal charges in the case were unconstitutional.

    The bombshell public filing alleged that special prosecutor Nathan Wade, a private attorney, paid for lavish vacations he took with Willis using the Fulton County funds his law firm received. County records show that Wade, who has played a prominent role in the election interference case, has been paid nearly $654,000 in legal fees since January 2022. The DA authorizes his compensation.

    Mind numbing.

    Always be blessed with incompetent enemies.

    • kinnath

      Maybe this will pop up in the morning links.

    • Brochettaward

      If a tree falls int he woods, does it matter?

      Media won’t report it widely, and the courts will probably shrug because FYTW.

    • Urthona

      Trump having sex with Epstein girls story drops on the exact same day.

  9. Brochettaward

    It’s the First knock life….for me.

  10. The Gunslinger

    Hail to the Victors!!

    • slumbrew

      Is Harbaugh on the spectrum? He seems odd in the few interviews I’ve seen.

      • whiz

        He is definitely a weird duck.

      • Brochettaward

        He’s never gotten over the 1994 AFCCG.

      • The Gunslinger

        Can’t say I’ve ever heard anything one way or the other about him being on the spectrum.

    • juris imprudent

      Was that an entire dump truck of salt pouring onto sloopy?

  11. Brochettaward

    In an example of the pot calling the kettle black.

    “And I know this because I hear from these people often. My wife hears from them. My kids hear from them. My poor mailman hears from these people. And now we’re hearing from lots more of them, thanks to Aaron Rodgers, who I guess believes one of two things. Either he actually believes my name was gonna be on Epstein’s list, which is insane. Or the more likely scenario is he doesn’t actually believe that, he just said it because he’s mad at me for making fun of his top knot and his lies about being vaccinated. He’s particularly upset I think because I made fun of the fact that he floated this wacko idea that the UFO sightings that were in the news in February were being reported to distract us from the Epstein list. That was Aaron’s theory that he said, and I mocked [him].”

    The Dunning-Kruger is a cognitive bias in which people with limited competence in a particular domain overestimate their abilities.

    https://www.nbcsports.com/nfl/profootballtalk/rumor-mill/news/jimmy-kimmel-aaron-rodgers-is-too-arrogant-to-know-how-ignorant-he-is

    I’m not going to post the hack’s entire rant, but it’s like he has zero fucking clue how hypocritical he comes off to those who view him as a biased, worthless hack in the first place. Aaron Rodgers likely has more perspective on how he’s viewed by his critics than this clown.

    Jimmy Kimmel is smarter than you because he believes the experts and doesn’t question them. Unless those experts express wrong think, in which case he’s free to ignore them because it’s wrong think.

    • Brochettaward

      I lied, I’ll post a bit more so you can laugh at this clown.

      And as far as the ‘well, you say things about people all the time’ argument goes, yes, I do. It’s not the same. It’s not even close to the same. We don’t make up lies.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        It was a throwaway quip kinda joke that Rodgers made. Seems like Kimmel would understand that being an alleged comedian and all. There’s also an indirect link, Epstein’s personal chef and Kimmel are friends, so he wasn’t just pulling that sardonic speculation out of his ass. If someone can be sued for a joke that might not quite line up with reality then that unfunny English cigarette better lawyer up.

    • slumbrew

      I still have a tiny bit of residual goodwill from his Man Show days but he’s really become a smug fart-sniffer.

      You can add Bill Simmons to that list.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean (and hayek, if you’re still awake!) Raining here, and fixin’ to rain all day, then maybe change to a little snow overnight. 😒

    • slumbrew

      👍

      That’s great, love her voice.

      Always a reminder that I should see more live music – they started around here and I could have seen them in one of the local clubs back in the day.

    • Gender Traitor

      But the NPS retracted those plans Monday, saying the proposal had been “released prematurely and had not been subject to a complete internal agency review.” It also closed the public comment period it had opened.

      “We thought we could get away with it, but the wrong people noticed.”

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Yep, they were gauging the public reaction and it wasn’t good-a standard dishonest practice.

    • rhywun

      A proposed redesign for the historical site called for the monument to be taken down and greater emphasis placed on the city’s Native American history

      The city doesn’t have any “Native American history”.

    • The Hyperbole

      Welcome Park – named after the ship, Welcome, that brought Penn to Philadelphia from England – was completed in 1982

      Raze it to the ground and sell it to someone who’ll make good use of the property. They should do that with all government property, and this place is barely 40 years old, they can’t even use the ‘historically significant’ bullshit argument.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Looks like a good spot for a strip club. They could even leave the statue up if they wanted.

  12. Gender Traitor

    One of the hazards of weighing and pricing your own produce at the grocery: We now have three Roma tomatoes that identify as bananas. 🙄

    The upside: if you go through the self-checkout, you can get away with it. 😏

    • UnCivilServant

      “They’re just blushing out of embarassment for being smaller than other bananas.”

      • Gender Traitor

        Banana body-shaming

  13. Beau Knott

    Mornin’ all.

  14. Not Adahn

    Good morning

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, NA & Beau.

  15. Stinky Wizzleteats

    Yeesh, they closed down my office today and all we’ve gotten so far has been a light drizzle. I’ve got important work to do damnit but I guess I’ll have to settle for getting my laundry done.

    • UnCivilServant

      My laundry is more important than anything at the office.

    • Rat on a train

      It’s 39 and raining. Schools are closed today.

  16. Ghostpatzer

    Mornin’, reprobates.

    Had the orphans stack towels against the basement door, in case the brook decides to flood. That’s usually my gig, but doctor’s orders dontchaknow.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, ‘patzie! Thanks for the reminder – I’ll have to keep an eye on the trouble spot in our basement. Don’t know if we’ve really gotten cold enough for the ground to freeze, which is usually when we have trouble with water leaking in during heavy rain. Hope your home escapes unscathed (unsoaked?)

      • UnCivilServant

        If the river ends up in my basement it will have already washed much of Albany away.

        Small price to pay for such a cleansing flood.

      • Ghostpatzer

        Good luck to you as well, GT. We finally got the lical DPW to clear some debris out of the stream this summer, and that helped, although it really needs to be dredged. Tonight will be the real test; Hackensack River is likely to flood and my little stream empties into it about .5 miles downstream. Water needs someplace to go.

  17. Ghostpatzer

    Small price to pay for such a cleansing flood.

    Great story ark for your next book!

  18. Fourscore

    Morning All,

    It’s a dry cold here, more dry than cold. The week end is forecast to be chilly with a little wind. At least the snow is minimal.

    • Ghostpatzer

      Mornin’. Dry would be nice, all this rain is getting tiresome.

  19. Tres Cool

    suh’ fam
    whats goody