Joemala: Episode 207

by | Jan 3, 2024 | Joemala | 144 comments

 

“Joe, I want to tell you something,” Kamala said, climbing onto his desk to sit with a settling whomp.

“You can talk to me about anything, Karine,” Joe said. He leaned back in his chair with casual confidence and almost fell backwards, barely catching himself.

“I’m Kamala Harris, Joe… your Vice President?”

His botoxed brow tried to wrinkle; his face creaked like an ancient saddle.

“Oh, yes, of course,” Joe said, “You’ve been a wonderful Press Secretary.”

“Joe…”

“You were great with that whole, you know, whatever.”

“Joe, I’m the Vice President, and I’ve drafted my resignation letter.”

“You’re leaving me? Strawberry left,” Joe said petulantly.

“Claudine Gay has been forced out of the Presidency at Harvard by evil Republicans and I have to be ready for when they call,” Kamala said. “They’ll want another Black woman and I’m a Black woman so I’m perfect for the job.”

Joe nodded, pretending to understand.

“Are you my Vice President?” Joe asked.

“Yes, Joe.”

“And you’re leaving?”

“Maybe. I just want to be ready. I have the main things they will be hiring for, no penis and a Black father.”

“You’re Black?” Joe asked, his hand going subconsciously to check to see if he still had his wallet. But Jill hadn’t let him carry cash since he demanded a bank give him 49,900 one dollar bills for one of Hunter’s “rent” checks. (The rest was a 100 he could wrap around his wad of cash to look like a high roller.) Kamala glared until Joe reset.

“But if you leave for Harvard, what’ll happen to me? Where am I going to find a new Vice President?” Joe trembled on the edge of dementia tears.

“There are other Black women out there,” Kamala said, patting his hand, inadvertently wiping away the foundation covering a cluster of liver spots and carcinomas. “Most of them have the same qualifications I did for the job.”

“Will she be pretty?”

“She will be a strong female character, Joe.”

“But you said she won’t have a penis!”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

144 Comments

  1. Sean

    “Most of them have the same qualifications I did for the job.”

    Oral skills?

  2. Spudalicious

    Whew! When she plopped down on the desk, I saw sexual horror about to occur.

    • juris imprudent

      Only if Hunter made one of his magical appearances.

    • bacon-magic

      *cackles louder than Hillary

  3. The Late P Brooks

    “You’re Black?” Joe asked, his hand going subconsciously to check to see if he still had his wallet.

    It’s the little things.

    • rhywun

      Yeah, OMG

  4. juris imprudent

    And honest to God, if she’d go, I’d contribute to Harvard for hiring her.

  5. The Late P Brooks

    Whew! When she plopped down on the desk, I saw sexual horror about to occur.

    “She placed her feet over his shoulders and drew him near.”

  6. kinnath

    This is not the real SugarFree. This is the work of an imposter. Just like with Fetterlump.

    • Lackadaisical

      Beat me to it. How do we know this is the real SF? where did he go and why did they replace him?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Well I did learn a new word. carcinomas. That’s a point in favor of it being the real SF.

      • Lackadaisical

        Here I thought you were an MD.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Only on Glibs. IRL I’m really not that smart or accomplished.

      • Grummun

        General rule, if it ends in ‘oma’ it’s not good. Carcinoma, sarcoma, blastoma, Oklahoma, etc.

      • Not Adahn

        >.<

      • Bobarian LMD

        Carrrrr -ci- noma, where the wind goes rolling cross the plain ♬

      • slumbrew

        He’s got an EdD, just like Frau Doktorin Jill.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I don’t think the ‘d’ belongs in that statement.

      • pistoffnick

        Frau Doktorin Jill.

        *horses panic and shriek*

      • mexican sharpshooter

        There is no replacing Sugarfree. Although we did manage to feed enough into an AI generator to give you something that vaguely resembles Sugarfree.

  7. DrOtto

    So much goodness. The “rent” check being my favorite.

    • Not Adahn

      Same.

  8. Aloysious

    I had to reread the first line, because initially I thought it said, …”I’d like to smell you something…”. Made my eye twitch.

    I do like the idea that maybe Blackberry will move into the VP slot. Nah, that’d be too porny.

    Welcome back. SF. Hope STEVE SMITH was… gentle… when he found you.

    • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

      Wait, if she left, wouldn’t the Speaker of the House become VP?

      The LULZ would be most number one!

      • Not Adahn

        I’m sure the resignation date hasn’t been filled in yet. It’ll be added on the day she gets the Harvard offer.

      • Aloysious

        Following the rules is supreme-whiteness and therefore toxically racist.

      • Ted S.

        No. How did Gerald Ford and Nelson Rockefeller become VP?

      • Ownbestenemy

        *squints* Cause the 25th Amendment didn’t exist…not sure if serious.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Wait..erase! erase! EDIT!!!

      • Ownbestenemy

        Meant to say cause the 25th Amendment existed, that is why. It still would fall onto the president and you sir are correct, Good Ol’ Joe can nominate Blackberry for confirmation.

      • creech

        What’s AOC, chopped liver?

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        Don’t yuck my yum!

  9. The Late P Brooks

    “Will she be pretty?”

    Thin ice, Joe. There is a lot of cultural baggage to unpack before you can call a black woman pretty.

  10. Evan from Evansville

    At ER. Baby seizure kinda. Normally don’t remember trips here. This one was totally avoidable, but def warning signs.

    One Code Blue here so far. Two corpses. No place for sick people, hospitals. Especially when I’m the most well person around.

    Sigh. Onward and upward. Should be able to leave soon. Friend is picking me up. Phew.

    • Urthona

      Fuck

    • Evan from Evansville

      The stress of being around people who ARE dying is powerful.

      I want to get the fuck out of here. Patience, patient. Soon.

    • hayeksplosives

      Was is a complex partial seizure or a simple partial seizure?

      In October I warned my boss that I was feeling preictal and that he needed to let off the gas and let us rest. He didn’t. 4 days later I had my total blackout car accident.

      That’s why the company has been paying my Uber tab ever since.

      Anyway, take care of yourself Evan—eat well and rest up!!

  11. kinnath

    Follow up to this mornings conversation:

    https://www.glibertarians.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/Lead-in-Medieval-Times.jpg

    It’s good to have friends and acquaintances with hobbies:

    I’m relatively confident it’s one of the big, built-in open kettles that were pretty common in kitchens and other facilities at the time. They would have a fire-box under them for boiling, which makes sense in context.

    Later in the text he says this: “As for the generall obseruations to be respected in the Brew-house or Bake-house, they be these: first, that your Brew house be seated in so conuenient a part of the house, that the smoke may not annoy your other more priuate roomes; then that you furnace be made close and hollow for sauing fewell, and with a vent for the pass•ge of smoake least it taint your l•quor; then that you preferre a copper before a lead, next that your M•sh-fat bee euer neerest to your leade, your cooler neerest your Mash-fat, and your Gul fat vnder your cooler, and adioyning to them all seuerall cleane •ubs to receiue your worts and liquors:”

    He uses “lead” and “leade” interchangeably in the section you quoted, so we can guess that he did the same here.

    So, he does appear to distinguish between a “copper” and “lead” kettle. But I still think it is unlikely that it is actually made of lead.

  12. mikey

    SF is back with one of his set ups. Great imagery and good lines -“you’re Black (capitalized even)?” -but nothing to lose one’s lunch of -the sound of Velcro. I’m Worried what happens next.

  13. hayeksplosives

    “Kamala glared until Joe reset.”

    Reset. Perfect.

    • Aloysious

      This is a good example of restraint on the part of the author, avoiding unnecessary bloat.

      ‘Brevity is the soul of wit’, and all that.

      As a mental exercise, I pictured the scene in my head, then typed out, “Kamala glared, flaring her cavernous nostrils until Joe visibly reset.” -1 not succinct. I just can’t imagine Kamala as anything but a hideous Cave Troll.

      • Bobarian LMD

        “Kamala glared until she could reach out and hit the reset button on Joe’s defibrillator?”

        And then you have to go into the whole diaper changing scenario and it kinda derails the whole narrative.

        But it does add some color; mostly some browns and a little blood red.

      • Aloysious

        I know, right?

        If you don’t keep it short and sweet it becomes a whole descriptive narrative, full of slimy fangs and intense putrefaction.

  14. kinnath

    At least 103 killed in blasts near Iranian military commander Qasem Soleimani’s grave

    At least 103 people were killed Wednesday and 141 injured in the Iranian city of Kerman after twin blasts near the burial site of slain military commander Qasem Soleimani, in what officials called a terror attack.

    IRINN, another state television channel, reported that the first explosion near the grave of Soleimani was caused by a bomb placed in a suitcase inside a Peugeot 405 car, and appeared to be detonated remotely.

    Iran’s Interior Minister Ahmad Vahidi said the first explosion happened at 3:00 p.m. local time (6 a.m. ET) during an interview with Iran’s state news channel IRIB. Vahidi said the second, more deadly blast took place 20 minutes later, when other pilgrims came to help the injured.

    No group has yet claimed responsibility for the blasts.

    Terrorists vs terrorists. Mad Magazine updated for the new millennium.

    • Not Adahn

      NPR’s reporting on the Beirut drone strike started off by saying “Israel has not claimed responsibility” and then reported the rest of the story as if Israel did it.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        “…Not claimed responsibility.” What? That is an… odd… turn of phrase. It’s what you say after the IRA did a bombing, or is suspected of such.

  15. Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

    A roll of ones with a single one hundred dollar bill on the outside is called a Chicago Roll.

    And if Harvard hired Kamalamadingdong (working the pole is as legitimate as chocking on someone else’s junk science), I would laugh from here to the election.

    • R C Dean

      The problem is, nobody can offer her anything that is better than what she’s in line for.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        And that, for you folks playing along at home, is the crux of the D’s problem.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Just have to convince her that what she has isn’t going to last.

    • The Other Kevin

      I would love for it to be a trans woman.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        RuPaul?

    • Not Adahn

      I thought a Chicago Roll was cream cheese, carp and asphalt?

    • Bobarian LMD

      In my younger days it was known as a Puerto-Rican Roll.

      Probably not politically correct.

    • R C Dean

      “No weapon was seized by investigators.”

      You don’t say.

    • ron73440

      That title confused me.

      I was thinking that if it needs a battery, it’s a vibrator and not a dildo?

      • The Other Kevin

        That is where my sordid mind went as well.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Not all dildos vibrate, some have other actuating functions that would not be considered vibration?

      • Ownbestenemy

        SF days make some weird conversations

      • Bobarian LMD

        Combines two infamous football events, involving the Bills and the Eagles.

      • Nephilium

        Where do the bottles fit in?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Sorry to let you down, but that is the Browns.

      • DrOtto

        Sounds like someone failed Biology 101

    • Nephilium

      /starts watching Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels again

    • Lackadaisical

      “The woman also told police that Nurdin punched her in the left eye”

      Someone’s been listening to NWA. https://youtu.be/w–iwi7Y5sk (NSFW)

      Also, retrieving your marital aid and turning it into a martial aid is hardly disproving her point.

      “Additionally, if he secures his release on bond, Nurdin will be fitted with a continuous alcohol monitoring device.”

      That seems unnecessarily intrusive.

    • Tres Cool

      ” The woman also told police that Nurdin punched her in the left eye “while she tried to push him off.”

      If I wrote that I totally would have said “beat him off”.

  16. ron73440

    His botoxed brow tried to wrinkle; his face creaked like an ancient saddle.

    Quite the way with words.

    “They’ll want another Black woman and I’m a Black woman so I’m perfect for the job.”

    This sounds plausible.

  17. ron73440

    TPTB: I wrote a simple article on cocktails that is ready for publication.

    • Lackadaisical

      Cool, I’ve been getting into very basic ones lately.

    • Drake

      Didn’t he just have skin cancer?

      • The Other Kevin

        If they’re trying to get rid of him, they need to do something that works faster.

      • Bobarian LMD

        At this point, a bad sunburn would probably do the trick.

      • Lackadaisical

        They’re gonna get him reelected first.

      • Urthona

        Not melanoma though. The really harmless kind that everyone survives.

        Still an ancient dude should probably not be sitting in the sun without sunscreen.

      • R.J.

        You have stumbled onto the Dem’s insidious plan to get rid of Joe via skin cancer…

      • Aloysious

        They tried to turn him orange, to lure away some of Trump’s supporters.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        Uhm, could backfire, cause Dems to panic.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Surprise

    These five states had the smallest influx of one-way U-Haul rentals, according to the company’s list:

    California
    Massachusetts
    Illinois
    New Jersey
    Michigan

    You don’t say.

    • Ownbestenemy

      They got a court to make a finding of fact, regardless if it fact or not. They will run with it and why someone said this morning SCOTUS should be in session right now to squash this.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Also Congress should be convening and put in legislation that clarifies this and make Biden veto it.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The Dems still control the Senate.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Just as good (if the Repubs want to win).

  19. Grummun

    I’m looking for a water cooling block for my GPU. A quick search suggests there’s only two makers (at least for my GPU, Radeon RX 6950 XT): EKWB and Alphacool. Anyone 1) know of any others, and 2) have any experience with either of those manufacturers?

    • Bobarian LMD

      I used this site for something on my old box a while back.

      Mostly Alphacool, but some “Watercool” (might be same brand?) and a couple others.

      • Grummun

        Thanks for that, that’s very useful. Particularly pricing in dollars, Alphacool’s website is priced in Euros. I (hopefully) just need the block and fittings for 1/2″ OD flexible tubing. I’ve got an ancient Zalman Reserator pump/reservior/radiator I’m going to try re-use.

    • Sensei

      Wow – those are pricey!

      I knew there was as reason I stick to air. However, I may finally relent and use an AIO on my next CPU.

  20. grrizzly

    And you thought covid was over.

    Los Angeles County over the weekend confirmed that has reinstated a mask-wearing mandate for staff, patients, and visitors at licensed health care facilities, citing a recent increase in COVID-19 cases.

    According to health officials, the county entered the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) “medium level” for hospital admissions on Dec. 29, triggering the masking mandate.

    “Over the past week in Los Angeles County, there have been notable, yet not unexpected, increases in COVID-19 reported cases, hospitalizations, and deaths,” the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health said in a statement about the change.

    “While recent increases are significant, they remain considerably below last winter’s peak and common-sense protections are strongly recommended to help curb transmission and severe illness as the new year begins.”

    The mandate stipulates that the requirement will be rescinded once Los Angeles County, which has the highest population of any county in the United States, re-enters the CDC’s threshold for “low level” COVID-19 transmission and hospitalizations.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Just in time to see the large influx of illegals entering hospitals without masks and not being turned away I hope.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    Sinking

    …Musk ended 2023 with a flurry of new headlines about how his erratic management style was damaging not only Twitter, now “X,” but his other businesses as well. According to Fidelity, one investor in Musk’s social media gambit, the company is now worth just a fraction of its purchase price (and that’s assuming Musk could find a buyer for his tattered, unreliably functional mess).

    One thing can be said for Elon Musk: the guy works fast. He’s managed to lose 71 percent of X’s value in just over a year, while alienating major brands and mainstreaming a 105 percent surge in neo-Nazi and antisemitic hate speech — an explosion of unmoderated hatred without precedent on any other major social network.

    Now it looks like Musk’s financial hangover has finally arrived.

    It’s no secret that X is in financial disarray. Musk himself has often alluded to the real possibility of declaring bankruptcy unless the platform can replace its evaporating advertising revenue. Most of that money is likely gone forever, after Musk’s targeted bullying of advertisers, with Musk at one point urging the companies who keep his lights on to “go f*ck yourself.” Despite goofy schemes including wanting to turn X into a bank and charging users for verified checkmarks, Musk hasn’t come close to replacing that lost revenue.

    They sure are pissed off about twatter.

    A couple of years ago, he walked on water.

    • Fatty Bolger

      105 percent surge in neo-Nazi and antisemitic hate speech

      See? The left didn’t leave the platform after all.

      • The Other Kevin

        As far as numbers pulled out of your ass go, 105 is a pretty good one. Over 100%, but just a little.

    • Ownbestenemy

      tattered, unreliably functional mess

      Translation: We lost our sound board and we want it back!

    • Sensei

      And just how was the current valuation determined?

      It’s unclear how Fidelity arrived at its new, lower valuation or whether it receives any non-public information from the company. Fidelity declined to provide a statement, saying it doesn’t comment on individual investments. X didn’t respond to a request for comment.

      Well they just aren’t going to say. MSM – OK let’s just run with it!

      https://finance.yahoo.com/news/musk-x-value-cut-another-023750235.html#:~:text=Fidelity%20said%20in%20a%20recent,has%20also%20fallen%20by%2072%25.

    • Necron 99

      So, out of the 6000 employees Musk let go from Twitter, none can build a social network site for the echo chamber?

      Seems somehow relevant.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Musk appears completely focused on completing X’s transition from a normal social network into an intercontinental ballistic version of right-wing hate sites Gab and Parler. Judging by how openly Musk is now monetizing white nationalism, he’s making that transition at warp speed.

      This piece is amazing.

      • rhywun

        monetizing white nationalism

        OFFS!

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        Well, after Kendi showed the blueprint, we all knew it was coming.

    • R.J.

      I looked at Twatter stock performance over 5 years. It’s higher than it was in 2019, before all this began. You have to rule out the bubble which happened during COVID/Elon buying it. That was all speculative buying. Overall performance is level if you exclude that crazy spike. Through no action of Elon’s, advertisers pulled a ton of ad revenue. If he had not cut staff back significantly, that would have tanked it right there. That will recover given time. It will include a broader set of advertisers instead of depending on just a few large advertisers who could bully Twatter around.

      Enough on that, I am glad Sugar Free is back and relatively unharmed.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        He’s unharmed, or we’re unharmed?

    • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

      This is, like, the fifth time this week I have heard how Twitter is damaged goods.

      Funny that.

      • juris imprudent

        Someone must have a lot of shorts to cover.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    [Tesla] also landed itself in hot water with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission for creating a culture of what the EEOC alleges to be “widespread and ongoing racial harassment of its Black employees” and punishing employees who speak up. The EEOC sued Tesla in September, adding yet another case to Musk’s mounting courtroom dance card.

    According to the EEOC’s filing, it was commonplace for Black employees at Teslas to face slurs including “monkey,” “boy,” and several too offensive to print. They encountered swastika graffiti in public spaces, reported nooses placed on the desks of Black employees, and found Tesla management unresponsive and even dismissive of their concerns. Unsurprisingly, the office culture at Tesla looks a lot like the social culture on X: unapologetically and even defiantly toxic.

    Controversy even risks engulfing SpaceX, long the standout endeavor in Musk’s portfolio. Back in August, the Justice Department sued SpaceX for alleged anti-immigrant discrimination, another trend on ready display over on X. If it’s true that executives take their lead from the person at the top, Musk has done a fantastic job introducing X’s poisonous and anti-social culture to previously functional businesses.

    Hearsay, insinuation and innuendo; that’s some high grade journalisming.

    • Sensei

      For the umpteenth time – FedGov frequently requires it’s defense contractors to not allow foreign nationals access to anything many things defense related. It doesn’t matter if they can legally work in the US or not.

      This means that the immigrant can’t sweep the floors where SpaceX is putting DoD’s latest space toy in orbit.

      But, surprise, the MSM doesn’t want to actually do it jobs and report that.

    • rhywun

      it was commonplace for Black employees at Teslas to face slurs including “monkey,” “boy,” and several too offensive to print.

      LOL what bullshit.

      • Lackadaisical

        They even put them back in chains.

  23. creech

    Follow up to this morning’s J6 conversation: George Washington Joe Biden will be speaking at Valley Forge on Jan.6 regarding how important it will be in November to elect someone who respects our democracy and the Founders’ ideals. I wonder how far Sean and I and a few others would get if we blocked the PA turnpike that day? “Let’s Go, Brandon.”

    • Sean

      I ain’t playing in traffic. PA drivers are nutz. I know, cuz I are one.

      • Sensei

        The left lane is the only lane!

      • Nephilium

        Those are the drivers from Ohio, and they’re going 55.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        That is why you pass on the right!

      • Lackadaisical

        Everyone knows the right lane is the fastest.

      • Not Adahn

        Oh, I’m going to be working the Area 8 match in Bulger PA 6/7.

        You and/or the GF can come shoot it, though it’s pricey (any time the match fee > ammo costs is pricey in my book).

      • Sean

        Never even heard of Bulger.

        *Googles*

        Still wrong side of the state. >.>

        One of these days you might get me out somewhere. 🙂

  24. The Late P Brooks

    Los Angeles County over the weekend confirmed that has reinstated a mask-wearing mandate for staff, patients, and visitors at licensed health care facilities, citing a recent increase in COVID-19 cases.

    Fucking cargo cultists.

    • Sean

      MANDATE!

      • Ownbestenemy

        Without the power of the State or FedGov emergency powers, I would hope people would just ignore. But, we have evidence to the contrary.

      • Sensei

        OT – Looks like the Japanese Coast Guard failed to hold short.

    • R.J.

      Look, everybody already has it this year. Just go drink out of somebody else’s tea glass and get it over with. It’s not so bad.

  25. DEG

    It was too tame until here:

    “But you said she won’t have a penis!”

    and then… the implications.

    • Bobarian LMD

      He was having Michelle flashbacks.

  26. The Late P Brooks

    For the umpteenth time – FedGov frequently requires it’s defense contractors to not allow foreign nationals access to anything many things defense related. It doesn’t matter if they can legally work in the US or not.

    A while back, somebody linked a job listing from the (I think) Interior Department. Some sort of Montana/Idaho grizzly bear research project. Featured prominently in the job description: MUST BE AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.

    • Sensei

      FedGov gets to play by rules that the private sector can’t!

    • grrizzly

      This one:

      Conditions of Employment
      Must be a U.S. Citizen or National.

      • R.J.

        Even better. Look at this:

        Individuals assigned male at birth after 12-31-59 must be registered for Selective Service.

        How DARE they use someone’s sex at birth!

      • Lackadaisical

        I identify as being assigned female at birth.

  27. The Late P Brooks

    Speaking of that twatter “valuation” story-

    Didn’t Musk end up paying a huge premium (like more than 50%)? That is going to skew the number significantly. But why would business journalists feel any need to add context?

    • R.J.

      Yes, that accounts for the giant peak in stock value on their 5-year chart. Anyone who bought then would definitely lose a lot of value. That person would also be a moron/ democrat who doesn’t understand buying in the valleys.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        Not to mention that, due to the sheer amount of bots, false advertising/slush funding, and general weirdness of Twitter pre-Elon, no true value can be ascertained.

  28. Sensei

    Awkward…

    MSNBC anchor Alicia Menendez found herself in an awkward position on Tuesday — breaking the news of her embattled father’s latest legal troubles.

    Indicted US Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ) was hit with fresh allegations that a wealthy businessman pal showered the lawmaker with fancy gifts — including Formula One race tickets and a Patek Philippe watch — in exchange for an investment deal with a Qatari real estate firm.

    Alicia Menendez was filling in for Nicolle Wallace as host of “Deadline: White House” when the Department of Justice slapped the senator with the superseding indictment.

    https://nypost.com/2024/01/03/media/msnbc-reports-on-new-bob-menendez-indictment-during-daughters-guest-host-gig/

  29. kinnath

    Oh my god. The three o’clock post is late. See I said it was an SF Imposter!

  30. Tres Cool

    FIRST!